Top Ten Rejected Horoscope Predictions
10. In early January, Pisces, a Cancer will swim into your life and give you crabs.
9. Around December 13th or 14th Capricorns should give up all hope for living and put themselves out of everyone else's misery.
8. A large sum of money will come to balanced Libras, but only because someone they love has been terribly hurt.
7. Bullish Taurus will see two out of three stocks plummet into oblivion. One out of three stocks will skyrocket. The stars don't say which stocks, though.
6. The next week will introduce love to Aquarians, possibly with a Virgo or Scorpio. The relationship will end badly, scarring both partners for life.
5. Gemini: look for long lost relatives and old flames, while serving your time in prison.
4. The military draft hasn't been used in this country for almost 30 years. With Mars in your house of love, that's about to change for Sagittarians.
3. Self important Leo will soon see a pride of well deserved promotions and peer recognition, in Fallujah.
2. Run, Aries, run!
And the number one rejected horoscope prediction...
1. If you were born on this day, and you still believe in astrology, you are a pitiful idiot who needs professional help overcoming your deep seated and very-real-to-you delusions.
Sunday, October 29, 2006
Top Ten Rejected Horoscope Predictions
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Note: Today's list was stolen wholesale from the last page of this month's Esquire magazine without permission of any kind whatsoever. It will stay up until the cease and desist letter arrives...
The Esquire Guide to Greener Living
10. Try heating your house using the palpable sexual tension between Matt Lauer and Meredith Vieira
9. When hosing down a pile of naked Iraqi prisoners, use a low-flow hose head
8. Lower your carbon-dioxide emissions by exhaling only once per minute
7. When you are reading at home, try replacing your lamp with a strobe light, which uses half as much energy
6. When shredding papers that implicate your company in a stock scandal, do it by hand
5. If you are the god of a monotheistic religion, try writing commandments on BOTH sides of the tablet
4. Remove Steel Magnolias and The Notebook from yourNetflix queue. Tears are a drain on our hydrologic cycle. Try Van Wilder or a Steve Martin/Queen Latifah comedy
3. If you are a prop comedian, make sure you smash organic, shade-grown watermelons
2. If you are in Lebanon, remember to turn off your engine rather than let it idle when firing Katyusha rockets
And the number one way to live greener...
1. Put down that pencil! Solve sudoku puzzles in your mind so others can use them after you
And the alternates...
Ladies: stop wasting fresh water in your liquid-filled breast implants. Eco-friendly alternatives include excess water from your sink sponge
If you plan to commit suicide with a hose hooked up to the tailpipe of your car, make sure there are no leaks. Duct tape works well.
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 9:34 AM
Monday, October 23, 2006
Note: Today's guest blogger is my cousin Darcy who writes...
Top Ten Signs You Are Senator Mark Foley
10. Your pages are bent over
9. Your best pages are laminated
8. You like some pages in slip covers
7. You like to 3-hole punch your pages
6. You shred the bad pages
5. You like to staple the pages together
4. You like to get stapled between two pages
3. You share your pages
2. You scribble all over your pages
And the number one sign you are Senator Mark Foley...
1. Sometimes you have to do the pages twice to understand them
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 9:33 PM
Saturday, October 14, 2006
Top Ten Products in Development at Hershey
10. Aerosol nougat
9. Hershey Highway: a candy bar that passes faster than the Rocky Road.
8. A divorce cake
7. Hershey Squirt: chocolate flavored grapefruit soda
6. .38 Special Dark
5. Mrs. Goodbar: a candy bar that celebrates 30-year-old virgins
4. Carob flavored chocolate
3. A Cadbury Egg that dissolves your tongue
2. The Breakfast Bar: rich chocolate, creamy nougat, golden caramel, fried ham, and scrambled eggs
And the number one product in development at Hershey...
1. Krackle 100's: light up the chocolate taste of flavor country
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 11:27 AM
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
The "200 things" list... (bold are things I've done)
1. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
2. Swam with wild dolphins (I've swam with porpoises)
3. Climbed a mountain
4. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive (A Viper)
5. Been inside the Great Pyramid
6. Held a tarantula
7. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
8. Said "I love you" and meant it
9. Hugged a tree
10. Done a striptease
11. Bungee jumped (From a hot air balloon!)
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm
14. Stayed up all night long, and watch the sun rise
15. Seen the Northern Lights
16. Gone to a huge sports game (The World Cup Soccer game at Soldier Field in Chicago)
17. Walked the stairs to the top of the Leaning Tower of Pisa (I've been to the Tower of Pisa. They don't let you climb it)
18. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
19. Touched an iceberg (I'm counting a glacier)
20. Slept under the stars
21. Changed a baby's diaper
22. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
23. Watched a meteor shower
24. Gotten drunk on champagne
25. Given more than you can afford to charity
26. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
27. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
28. Had a food fight
29. Bet on a winning horse
30. Taken a sick day when you're not ill
31. Asked out a stranger
32. Had a snowball fight
33. Photocopied your bottom on the office photocopier (and was subsequently fired for it...)
34. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
35. Held a lamb
36. Enacted a favorite fantasy
37. Taken a midnight skinny dip
38. Taken an ice cold bath
39. Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar
40. Seen a total eclipse
41. Ridden a roller coaster
42. Hit a home run
43. Fit three weeks miraculously into three days
44. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking (Daily...)
45. Adopted an accent for an entire day
46. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
47. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
48. Had two hard drives for your computer.
49. Visited all 50 states
50. Loved your job for all accounts
51. Taken care of someone who was shit faced
52. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
53. Had amazing friends
54. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country (Does Yreka count?)
55. Watched wild whales
56. Stolen a sign
57. Backpacked in Europe
58. Taken a road-trip
59. Rock climbing
60. Lied to foreign government's official in that country to avoid notice
61. Midnight walk on the beach
62. Sky diving
63. Visited Ireland
64. Been heartbroken longer then you were actually in love
65. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
66. Visited Japan
67. Benchpressed your own weight
68. Milked a cow (and a goat)
69. Alphabetized your records
70. Pretended to be a superhero (What do you mean pretended?)
71. Sung karaoke
72. Lounged around in bed all day
73. Posed nude in front of strangers
74. Scuba diving
75. Got it on to "Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye (Last night...this morning...)
76. Kissed in the rain
77. Played in the mud
78. Played in the rain
79. Gone to a drive-in theater
80. Done something you should regret, but don't regret it
81. Visited the Great Wall of China
82. Discovered that someone who's not supposed to have known about your blog has discovered your blog
83. Dropped Windows in favor of something better
84. Started a business
85. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
86. Toured ancient sites
87. Taken a martial arts class
88. Swordfought for the honor of a woman
89. Played D&D for more than six hours straight
90. Gotten married
91. Been in a movie
92. Crashed a party
93. Loved someone you shouldn't have
94. Kissed someone so passionately it made them dizzy
95. Gotten divorced
96. Had sex at the office
97. Gone without food for 5 days
98. Made cookies from scratch
99. Won first prize in a costume contest
100. Ridden a gondola in Venice
101. Gotten a tattoo
102. Found that the texture of some materials can turn you on
103. Rafted the Snake River
104. Been on television news programs as an "expert"
105. Got flowers for no reason
106. Masturbated in a public place
107. Got so drunk you don't remember anything
108. Been addicted to some form of illegal drug
109. Performed on stage
110. Been to Las Vegas
111. Recorded music
112. Eaten shark
113. Had a one-night stand
114. Gone to Thailand
115. Seen Guns N' Roses live
116. Bought a house
117. Been in a combat zone
118. Buried one/both of your parents
119. Shaved or waxed your pubic hair off
120. Been on a cruise ship
121. Spoken more than one language fluently
122. Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone
123. Bounced a check
124. Performed in Rocky Horror
125. Read - and understood - your credit report
126. Raised children
127. Recently bought and played with a favorite childhood toy
128. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
129. Created and named your own constellation of stars
130. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
131. Found out something significant that your ancestors did
132. Called or written your Congress person
133. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
134. ...more than once? - More than thrice?
135. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
136. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking
137. Had an abortion or your female partner did
138. Had plastic surgery
139. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived.
140. Wrote articles for a large publication
141. Lost over 100 pounds
142. Held someone while they were having a flashback
143. Piloted an airplane
144. Petted a stingray
145. Broken someone's heart
146. Helped an animal give birth
147. Been fired or laid off from a job
148. Won money on a T.V. game show
149. Broken a bone
150. Killed a human being
151. Gone on an African photo safari
152. Ridden a motorcycle
153. Driven any land vehicle at a speed of greater than 100 mph
154. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced
155. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
156. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
157. Ridden a horse
158. Had major surgery
159. Had sex on a moving train
160. Had a snake as a pet
161. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
162. Slept through an entire flight: takeoff, flight, and landing
163. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
164. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
165. Visited all seven continents
166. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than two days
167. Eaten kangaroo meat
168. Fallen in love at an ancient Mayan burial ground
169. Been a sperm or egg donor
170. Eaten sushi
171. Had your picture in the newspaper
172. Had two (or more) healthy romantic relationships for over a year in your lifetime
173. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
174. Gotten someone fired for their actions
175. Gone back to school
177. Changed your name
178. Petted a cockroach
179. Eaten fried green tomatoes
180. Read The Iliad
181. Selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read
182. Dined in a restaurant and stolen silverware, plates, cups because your apartment needed them
183. ...and gotten 86'ed from the restaurant because you did it so many times, they figured out it was you
184. Taught yourself an art from scratch
185. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
186. Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt
187. Skipped all your school reunions.
188. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
189. Been elected to public office
190. Written your own computer language
191. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream
192. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
193. Built your own PC from parts
194. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you (Do movies count?)
195. Had a booth at a street fair
196: Dyed your hair
197: Been a DJ
198. Found out someone was going to dump you via LiveJournal
199: Written your own role playing game
200: Been arrested
I've done a lot of stuff...
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 8:47 PM
Sunday, October 08, 2006
Top Ten Signs You Work for Osama bin Laden
10. You arrive for work in a jet. You go home from work in an urn.
9. Unused vacation time paid out in Hell.
8. Your Employee Handbook, the Koran, explains the "lose a hand for each transgression" progressive discipline policy.
7. Your fax machine spits out 3000 hot lead messages a minute.
6. You've never actually met the boss but you know how he smells.
5. You get maternity leave for up to three wives.
4. Your briefcase glows.
3. Your company's long range plans include digging new cubicles after the rainy season and spinning off an exploding goat division.
2. Your legal department consists of a blind cleric who burned a book once.
And the number one sign you work for Osama bin Laden...
1. You expense all mortar rounds but have to pay your own mileage on the company camel.
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 1:24 PM