Friday, December 28, 2007


Top Ten Rejected Tyler Perry Movies

10. Tyler Perry and the Temple of Doom

9. Pyler Terry's Diary of a Bad Mack Woman

8. Beverly Hills Cop IV

7. Cliché Premise of Payne

6. Tyler Perry's Tyler Perry starring Tyler Perry

5. Beat the Mounds

4. Tyler Perry Meets the Klumps

3. Why Did I Get Married at Big Mamma's House Party 2?

2. Trading Places II: Trading Placier

And number one rejected Tyler Perry movie...

1. Madea Goes to Camp, Jail, College, Hawaii, the Army, Rides Again, and Saves Christmas

-Jason Rohrblogger

Tuesday, December 25, 2007


Top Ten Season's Greetings

10. Happy Hanukkah

9. Killer Kwanzaa

8. Rockin' Ramadan

7. Super Solstice

6. Very Vishnu Purnima

5. Feliz Navidad

4. Beautiful Boxing Day

3. Fine Festivus

2. Happy New Year

And the number one season's greeting…

1. Merry Christmas

And to all a good night!

-Jason Rohrblogger

Monday, December 24, 2007


I received "COYOTES A Journey Through the Secret World of America's Illegal Aliens" by Ted Conover in the mail today. It was ordered, apparently, through my wish list posted on Amazon. There was no packing slip in the package so I have no idea who sent it, and therefore, no idea who to thank.

If you want to make yourself known, you can drop me an e-mail. If not: thank you Secret Santa! You rock!

-Jason Rohrblogger

Saturday, December 22, 2007


Today's list was stolen from Have Fun with English and I added a few more of my own...

Top Ten Christmas Carols for the Disturbed

10. Schizophrenia - Do You Hear What I Hear?

9. Multiple Personality Disorder - We Three Kings Disoriented Are

8. Dementia - I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

7. Narcissistic - Hark! The Herald Angels Sing About Me!

6. Manic - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants...

5. Paranoid - Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

4. Borderline Personality Disorder - Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

3. Personality Disorder - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

2. Attention Deficit Disorder - Silent Night, Holy oooh look at the froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

1. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells , Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells...

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternates...

Amnesia - I Don't Know if I'll be Home for Christmas

Agoraphobia - I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day but Wouldn't
leave My House

Senile Dementia - Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles from My
House in My Slippers and Robe

Oppositional Defiant Disorder - I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
so I Burned Down the House

Psychotic disorder - Joy to the World, I Hate You All

Eating disorder - Oh Come Get a Face Full

Thursday, December 20, 2007


This was sent to me by Jenn over at Let the Wild Rumpus Start.

Funniest headline ever (thanks to Huffington Post!):

"Britney Spears' Sister, 16, Pregnant...Christian Parenting Book Delayed"

Bwah ha ha! That is PURE HILARITY! Like a pregnant 16-year-old can't be a Christian! She's gonna need all the Christ she can get...

My two fave quotes from the article:

1) "Jamie Lynn plans to raise the baby in her home state of Louisiana 'so it can have a normal family life.'"

My family is from Louisiana. Ain't nothing normal going on there.

2) "It is rumored she and Aldridge met in church and Lynn Spears says they've been dating for years."

It's the church girls you gotta watch out for. I didn't join my church's youth choir in high school for the MUSIC...

-Jason Rohrblogger

Tuesday, December 18, 2007


I saw this display at Target today. Elvis left the building 30 years ago. How "fresh" can this Christmas music actually be?

-Jason Rohrblogger

Sunday, December 16, 2007



Yet another Internet time waster from Rohrblogger...

Two names you go by:
1. Superfly
2. Prisoner 18B299

Two things you are wearing right now:
1. Leash
2. Condom

Two of your favorite things to do:
1. Lawn chess
2. Tattoo my goldfish

Two things you want very badly at the moment:
1. An arraignment
2. More goldfish ink

Two favorite pets you have or have had:
1. Aloysius, a marsupial llama
2. Ruby the Wonder Salamander

Two things you did last night:
1. Sold off my collection of rare milk
2. Wrote the preamble to my manifesto

Two things you ate today:
1. Yak butter
2. Buffalo ostrich wings

Two people you last talked to:
1. The District Attorney
2. Jesus

Two things you are doing tomorrow:
1. Colonoscopy
2. Pearl diving

Two longest car rides:
1. Stretch limousine
2. Cargo Van

Two favorite holidays:
1. Ramadan
2. Vishnu Purnima

Two favorite beverages:
1. Firewater
2. Pepto Bismol

Two favorite movies:
1. Debbie Does Baghdad
2. Porkies IV: Porkier

Two jobs you have or have had:
1. Assistant donut glazer
2. Mack daddy

Two people you are tagging:
1. Al Gore
2. Carrot Top

-Jason Rohrblogger

Thursday, December 13, 2007


Top Ten Most Annoying Songs Ever

10. Electric Boogie - Marcia Griffiths
This song has the irritating Electric Slide line dance that goes with it, is played at EVERY wedding, and includes the lyrics, "jiggle-a-mesa-cara" which as far as I can tell translates as "jiggle a table face." The Electric Boogie is the trifecta of annoying.

9. Who Let the Dogs Out? - Baha Men
Indeed, who? At least there is no "doggy dance" trotted out at every reception for this one. Although it appears to be federal law that it be played at EVERY sporting event at least once. The main refrain includes actual barking. Can't we put this song to sleep?

8. My Humps - Black Eyed Peas
You have to respect lyrics that describe "lumps" as "lady" and "lovely" and advocate accepting gifts from multiple men, but still not allowing them to "do it on the daily." This is the theme song for every suburban proto kinderwhore aspiring to be a frigid ghetto princess. Who just wants to, you know, dance.

7. The Reason - Hoobastank
Like many songs on this list, it was fun the first 1.5 million times. Then. It. Got. Old. Doug Robb's whiny wailing and repetitive "and the reason is you" makes me want to not be a perfect person and do many things I wish I didn't do.

6. There for You - Rembrandts
Unlike the other songs on the list, this one has an annoying television show that goes with it and includes the second verse lyrics "No one could ever know me/No one could ever see me." If only that were true.

5. Fergalicious - Fergie
Stacy Ferguson's second appearance here! She clearly puts my list on rock, rock. She uses her time at the mike to inform us that A)"I ain't easy, I ain't sleazy." B)"My body stay vicious" and C)"It's so tasty, tasty, it'll make you crazy." Good to know, Stacy. I'm still waiting for a white female rapper with, uh, talent.

4. Achy Breaky Heart - Billy Ray Cyrus
BRC sings us a list of what you can tell to whom. But you can't tell his heart because it won't understand. I must admit that my internal circulatory organs also have trouble deciphering spoken messages. This song is responsible for every urban cowdouche in boots lining up to kick airshit on the dance floor. Mr. Cyrus, you've taken the Most Annoying Billy title away from Messrs. Carter and Clinton...

3. La Vida Loca - Ricky Martin
"She'll take away your pain like a bullet to your brain. Come On!" Come on, if I have to choose between hearing this song again or the bullet...

2. It's a Small World - Robert and Richard Sherman
This proves that, no matter where people come from, they have something in common: we all despise this song. Thanks, Disney. There's no world small enough.

And the number one most annoying song ever...

1. Macarena - Los Del Rio
This song and its accompanying choreography should be banned by the Geneva Convention as overtly cruel. I wouldn't inflict this on Osama Bin Laden. Watching middle-aged women invade the dance floor, put their hands behind their head, and dry hump the air is enough to make me want to take an Electric Slide to my testicles. I blame it all on (Los Del) Rio.

-Jason Rohrblogger

Monday, December 10, 2007


Top Ten Signs Darcy is Turning Fifty

10. Now plays hockey with a cane

9. Then: Wine, women, and song
Now: Diet Coke, the old lady, and TV

8. Hot tub filled with Metamucil

7. Has to limit himself to one kid every ten years

6. Then: Proud Son of the Tundra earning worthless Canadian dollars
Now: Smog-sucking GuadaLaHabran earning worthless American dollars

5. Has to wait two or three hours before he can high-stick again

4. Leaves drool and gum marks on all the See's Candy

3. Then: Wore an athletic supporter under his hockey uniform to guard against any accidents
Now: Wears Depens under his hockey uniform to guard against any accidents

2. Really misses Sanka, Ethyl gasoline, and typewriters

And the number one sign Darcy is turning fifty...

1. Can't remember where he shot his puck

-Jason Rohrblogger

Friday, December 07, 2007


Top Ten British Words I Learned in England

10. Sultana: This is what they call raisins. I guess dried grapes look like little female sultans...

9. Roquette: Pronounced "rocket" it means lettuce. According to Wikipedia "Roquette is a French word meaning rocket or arugula, and is sometimes employed in English cooking terminology." And if it's on Wikipedia, you know it's true.

8. Twat: a stupid or silly person. It can also mean female genitalia.

7. Fanny: female genitalia. Your rear end is called a "bum." Fanny packs in England are called "bum packs."

6. Pudding: a generic term for any kind of dessert. Petits fors are pudding, donuts are pudding, pudding is pudding. How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?

Chili Con Carne: speaking of meat this dish in the U.S. is mostly beans with a little bit of beef, the British version is mostly meat with a few beans. Also, they serve it over white rice. I am not making this up and I took a picture to prove it. And I would consider this a Southern regional dish associated with Texas. The British consider this authentic Mexican food.

4. Crisps: potato chips or corn chips that come in a bag. Doritos are crisps. Go here for a Top Ten List of British crisp flavors...

3. Chips: French fries. Or freedom fries if you are a twat.

2. Lemonade: not fresh-squeezed lemon juice spiked with sugar, but a generic term for 7-Up. I witnessed British men on a golf course mixing a half pint of Samuel Adams beer and a half pint of 7-Up and drinking it. I kid you not.

And the number one British word I learned in England...

1. Slapper: woman on the prowl for anything she can get. Anything. Slappers wander around the dance floor looking for the drunkest blokes and then woo them by dancing backwards into them "accidentally." They are invariably spotted at the end of an evening telling the bouncer how lonely they are and trying to sit on his knee.

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternates...

Gin Palace: a large ostentatious pleasure craft, such as a luxury yacht, typically moored in a marina and used for outdoor entertaining and leisure, normally involving alcoholic drinks

Naff: tacky. "Look at the slapper on that naff gin palace."