Wednesday, June 25, 2008

TOP TEN GEORGE CARLIN QUOTES

This list has been getting mad hits for obvious reasons so I am reposting it here. May George Carlin get top billing at the Great Gig in the Sky...

Top Ten George Carlin Quotes

10. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

9. A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

8. Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?

7. There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven you can't say on television. What a ratio that is! 399,993 to 7. They must really be baaaad. They must be OUTRAGEOUS to be separated from a group that large. "All of you words over here, you seven...baaaad words." That's what they told us, right? You know the seven, don't ya? That you can't say on TV? Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits.

6. The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."

5. Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.

4. Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man...living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.

3. You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

2. As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.

And the number one George Carlin quote...

1. Here's a bumper sticker I'd like to see: "We are the proud parents of a child who's self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn't need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car."

-Jason Rohrblogger
(01/26/08)

And the alternates....

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.

I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front-row seat.

Catholic — which I was until I reached the age of reason.

One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're too tired.

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

Once you leave the womb, conservatives don't care about you until you reach military age. Then you're just what they're looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.

The planet is fine. The people are fucked.

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal," "Thou shalt not commit adultery," and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

"No comment" is a comment.

When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn't a lot worth paying attention to.

I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don't have as many people who believe it.

2 comments:

Atomic Bombshell said...

And this time I have to agree that your #1 is indeed #1.

ken said...

George liked to do fake news headlines: "A man in Milwaukee has been arrested for trying to mail a watermelon with food stamps." George, you shall be missed.