Top Ten Items Found at the Pamela Anderson Estate Sale
10. Slightly used Valtrex
9. Set of three leftover back tattoos
8. Pilot script for terror-themed jiggle show: Guantánamo Baywatch
7. Fifty-gallon oil drum of Olay
6. Lifesize mummifed Joe C
5. Formal Oneida 10-piece coke spoon place setting (gently used)
4. White wedding dress (unused)
3. The last remaining shreds of whatever dignity she had to begin with
2. Lot of 500 VHS honeymoon videos
And the number one item found at the Pamela Anderson estate sale...
1. High-mileage Kid Rock, heavy wear, as-is, needs repair, no returns, you haul
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Top Ten Items Found at the Pamela Anderson Estate Sale
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
This list has been getting mad hits for obvious reasons so I am reposting it here. May George Carlin get top billing at the Great Gig in the Sky...
Top Ten George Carlin Quotes
10. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
9. A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
8. Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?
7. There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven you can't say on television. What a ratio that is! 399,993 to 7. They must really be baaaad. They must be OUTRAGEOUS to be separated from a group that large. "All of you words over here, you seven...baaaad words." That's what they told us, right? You know the seven, don't ya? That you can't say on TV? Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits.
6. The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."
5. Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
4. Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man...living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
3. You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
2. As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.
And the number one George Carlin quote...
1. Here's a bumper sticker I'd like to see: "We are the proud parents of a child who's self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn't need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car."
And the alternates....
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front-row seat.
Catholic — which I was until I reached the age of reason.
One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're too tired.
In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.
Once you leave the womb, conservatives don't care about you until you reach military age. Then you're just what they're looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.
The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal," "Thou shalt not commit adultery," and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
"No comment" is a comment.
When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn't a lot worth paying attention to.
I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don't have as many people who believe it.
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 12:01 AM
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Top Ten Jason Tips for Dealing with the Heat
10. Conserve water by drinking plenty of vodka
9. Ranch dressing has an SPF of 10
8. Rock and roll all night, but party only every other day during non-peak hours
7. Make sure your hard drive is well hydrated
6. Wear your seatbelt...and nothing else
5. If necessary, cut open a polar bear and crawl inside to survive
4. Set your thermostat to "stun"
3. A pair of really cool sunglasses will lower your core temperature
2. Freebase Coppertone
And the number one Jason tip for dealing with the heat...
1. Get out of the kitchen
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 1:31 PM
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Top Ten Amy Winehouse Excuses
10. Is simply misunderstood
9. Did it all for the nookie
8. New bacon ranch flavored heroin is sooooo goooood!
7. Was born in an actual wine house
6. Would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for those meddling kids
5. "Tell me how else am I going to [unintelligible] and wake up with the taste of cigarettes in my mouth and broken glass in my hair? Tell me that, huh?"
4. It's all Mr. Hathaway's fault
3. Just wants to be a role model for all of the future burned-out crack whores dragging through the gutter of the world
2. Was a prank that got out of hand
And the number one Amy Winehouse excuse...
1. Didn't have a caring mother like Dina Lohan to look out for her when she was young
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 8:54 AM
Monday, June 16, 2008
Friday, June 13, 2008
Top Ten Surprises in The Incredible Hulk Sequel
10. Hulk Gay!
9. Will eventually run for governor of California
8. Purina Hulk Chow really just steroids, crystal meth, and FD&C Green No. 3
7. Dr. Bruce Banner is an OB/GYN
6. Takes on his biggest challenge yet: getting God back into our public schools
5. Doesn't like it when She-Hulk clams up and won't tell him what's wrong
4. Huge NASCAR fan
3. Hulk actually very credible
2. Fave Spice Girl: AAARRrrrrrgh! (Sporty)
And the number one surprise in The Incredible Hulk sequel...
1. Now when threatened, Bruce Banner just sends a strongly-worded letter
And the alternates...
Allergic to avocados
Does not type in all caps
Conflicted about Barrack Obama and Hillary Clinton
Almost became a Scientologist in the 90's
Thinks Green Lantern is overrated
Once drank a Fume Blanc with Chateaubriand
Can't find flesh-colored Band-Aids
Is overcompensating for a really small pee pee
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 11:14 AM
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Top Ten Baby Names for Brad and Angelina's Twins
10. Bo and Luke
9. Arm and Peach Pitt
8. Rumor and Scout
7. Joanie and Jody Joli
6. Trixiebelle and Sparkle
5. Mary-Kate and Ashley Jolison
4. Faith and Hope
3. Bud and Weiser
2. Minnesota and Olson
And the number one (set of) baby names for Brad and Angelina's twins...
1. Bonnie and Clyde
And the alternates...
Amber Crystal and Pearl Ruby
Harmony and Melody
Ethan and Allen
Conway and Twitty
Sturm and Drang
Batman and Robbin
Raine and Storm
Luke and Leah
Billie and Jean
Reagan and Kennedy
Mona and Lisa
Chip and Dale
Ken and Barbie
Luke and Laura
Harry and Hermione
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 9:37 AM
Saturday, June 07, 2008
Top Ten Surprises in Scott McClellan's Book about the White House
10. Bush almost appointed Jack Daniels to the Supreme Court
9. Cheney once accidentally water boarded an attorney in the face
8. Secret nucular launch code is 12345
7. Barbara Walters had an affair with married U.S. Senator Edward Brooke
6. Supreme Allied Commander Tommy Franks? Gay as a mink stole
5. Condoleezza Rice is totally 420 friendly
4. If Belgium doesn't watch it, they're next
3. Harold and Kumar are still being held in Guantánamo Bay
2. Rumsfeld just wants to be held
And the number one surprise in Scott McClellan's book about the White House...
1. Bush didn't want to go to war in Iraq, but Powell made him do it
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 12:03 AM
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
Dear Kenneth Cole,
Ken! Ken, Kenny, what can I say? We've had a great run. It's not me, it's you.
Let me start by mentioning how attractive you are. I'm not lying when I say your stuff looks great...on the shelf. I'll admit that's what drew me to you. Nice shelves. Sure you were overpriced, but what hottie isn't? I didn't mind paying full pop at first to be associated with such a glamorous metrosexual.
But you turned out to be an attractive nuisance. It started off slowly: remember the shirts? Granted, that first one was my fault. It was dry-clean only and I washed it. I'm not blameless here. I can be a Neanderthal bachelor at times. But what about the rest of your shirts that fell apart on me soon after wearing? Some of them even BEFORE the dry cleaning? Is the shredded thread Hulk look in this season?
I know competent sweatshop labor is hard to find in this global economy, but why are you charging me the cost of a tank of premium(!) for a garment held together with wishes and dreams?
Then it was the cruel shoes. No! Let me talk! No, I am not done!
The salesman at Macy's men's department said those shoes were "fashion forward." And did they ever look great. The bad news? They were as comfortable as a cell in Guantánamo Bay. The good news? They didn't last long enough to cause permanent damage.
Hey, in your defense, you're not Birkenstock here. You don't advertise your clothes to be worn by humans, only models. Fair enough. My mistake.
You only have one other line of products. Still flush with naïvité I gave one of your sublime briefcases a try. I shelled out a month's rent for a black beauty at your flagship store at the Third Street Promenade in Santa Monica. This was no outlet shop back alley castoff.
Right away the hinge broke, but you took care of that. In less than two weeks, I had a brand new replacement in my hand mailed straight from New York. Co-workers marveled at my conspicuous sophistication. Then I went to see Ocean's 11 and noted that the bad guys carried the exact same briefcase. I knew there would be at least two more sequels, the briefcase looked that good.
Ah, but the sequel is never equal to the original, is it? My show pony briefcase suffered a disintegrated latch and all of the metal trim fell off of it. That was the beginning of the end for me. I can't go without any trim.
Mind you, IN THE MOVIES your briefcase stands up to being jackhandled by elaborate criminals penetrating secure casino vaults. In real life, your case can't even hold my paper TPS reports. I am not making this up. Your briefcase was defeated by paper. Not even legal briefs; just regular 8½ by 11 paper.
Imagine my relief when your well-dressed nose-ringed maître d'crap stated you have a lifetime warranty on your leather goods. Sweet! I hand over my trimless wonder.
Three weeks later I pick up my (formerly) beloved hand luggage. The failed latch was reattached with POP RIVETS that didn't even match the rest of the fasteners on the piece. And the missing trim was NAILED to the briefcase splitting the leather and wood. I think we both know who got nailed here.
Look, I'm not gonna lie. I've been wearing Donna Karan, too. Her stuff fits great and lasts forever. And another Cole; Cole Haan, has been sending e-mails.
I'm just one lone paper jockey who doesn't amount to a hill of beans in this retail world. You look so great, I'm sure there are plenty of younger, richer guys out there for you who haven't been burned yet.
But Old Ken Cole has one less jolly old soul. I've outgrown your games.
So...when I see you at the mall, or the men's department or the promenade, we don't have to pretend like nothing ever went down between us. We'll always have Ocean's 11.
But from now on I'll look and won't touch. You bruise too easily, and frankly, I can't afford it.
Have a great summer,
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 8:52 AM
Sunday, June 01, 2008
Top Ten Rejected Mars Lander Experiments
10. Go out at night, eatin' cars. Eat Cadillacs, Lincolns too, Mercurys and Subarus
9. Test the effects of reduced atmosphere on a microwave burrito from 7-11
8. Come back to Disneyland and put Wall-E in a submission hold
7. Blow bong hits in Martian's faces
6. Destroy any native species encountered and replace their culture with MTV and Starbucks
5. Call Dominoes. Try to get a pizza in 30-minutes or less
4. Eat a bag of Pop Rocks and drink a Coke at the same time
3. Claim the entire planet for Queen Isabella of Spain
2. Mine the substrate for any Mars bars
And the number one rejected Mars lander experiment...
1. c0d3 411 +r4N5M15510n5 b4Ck 2 34r+h n 1337 5P34k
And the alternates...
Head to Martian Jiffy Lube for three-million mile oil change
Finally make it into R2-D2's top eight on MySpace
Calculate the odds of getting off that godforsaken rock
Unpack the boxes, forward the mail, find nearest Synagogue
Sit back, pop a can of WD-40, and relax
Try to find underground three-chested babes depicted in Total Recall
Switch to metric system
Start speaking in a stilted Martian accent, adopt a child from Malawi
Drive around taking random pictures of rocks
Write hilarious Top Ten List blog
Listed by Jason Rohrblogger at 7:55 AM