tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-72186792024-03-07T07:54:23.151-08:00Jason Rohrblogger's Top Ten......Stop! Collaborate and listin'.Jason Rohrbloggerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12797370725395056029noreply@blogger.comBlogger658125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7218679.post-12757607672093494122019-12-31T00:29:00.000-08:002019-12-31T00:29:03.869-08:00TOP TEN NEW YEARS' RESOLUTIONS FOR THE NEXT DECADE<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
These are MY next ten years, people! The Roar-ing 20s are back! Herewith are my...<br />
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Top Ten New Years’ Resolutions For The Next Decade<br />
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10. Gain an extra twenty pounds. A month.<br />
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9. I already spend 19 hours a day on social media. If I stay focused and apply myself, I think I can get that 20th hour.<br />
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8. Tell more rambling stories.<br />
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7. Do my hair toss, check my nails (Related: Get a tattoo of Lizzo from shoulder blade to shoulder blade)<br />
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6. Start charging for my marriage and child rearing advice<br />
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5. Eat more red meat, drink more whiskey, and kiss more pretty girls<br />
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4. Finally determine the perfect amount of time to microwave a yam<br />
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3. Follow Nickelback on tour<br />
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2. Less empathy and more judgment, especially for people who are different from me<br />
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And my number one New Years’ Resolution for the next decade…<br />
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1. Quit writing so many lists!<br />
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-Jason Rohrblogger (12/31/19)</div>
Jason Rohrbloggerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12797370725395056029noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7218679.post-36458028651740661742019-12-25T19:10:00.000-08:002019-12-29T19:13:29.159-08:00TOP TEN REJECTED SANTA BANDS<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
St. Nick is putting on his fog hat and getting the band back together. Herewith are the...<br />
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Top Ten Rejected Santa Bands<br />
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10. Sleigh-er<br />
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9. The Rolling Gnomes<br />
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8. Red Hat Chili Peppers<br />
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7. Clausagoogoo<br />
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6. Santana<br />
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5. Mötley Cüpid<br />
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4. Haulin’ Oats<br />
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3. Salt n’ Peppamint<br />
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2. Fleetwood Elf<br />
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And the number one rejected Santa band name…<br />
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1. Blue Öldster Cult (more sleigh bell!)<br />
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-Jason Rohrblogger<br />
(12/25/19)<br />
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And the alternates..<br />
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Rudolf Against the Machine<br />
The North Police<br />
Vixen<br />
Prancer and The Revolution<br />
Night Stranger<br />
Alice in Reigns<br />
Dire Saints<br />
Lump of Coalplay<br />
NichoLos Lobos<br />
Maroon 5 Golden Rings<br />
Jesus and Mary Chain<br />
Santa's Midnight Runners<br />
Snow Patrol<br />
Kris Krossmas<br />
Presents! At the Disco</div>
Jason Rohrbloggerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12797370725395056029noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7218679.post-10494824236228482232019-12-22T18:44:00.000-08:002019-12-29T18:55:43.030-08:00TOP TEN REJECTED HANUKKAH BANDS<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Top Ten Rejected Hanukkah Bands</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">10. Menorah at Work</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"> 9. Gefilte Phish</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"> 8. Maimonides Tabernacle Choir</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"> 7. ZZ Dreidel</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"> 6. Any Other Night Ranger</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"> 5. Steve Mohel Band</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"> 4. Oil Light Orchestra</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"> 3. </span>Mäzel Crüe</div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"> 2. Red Hot Kosher Peppers</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">And the number one Rejected Hanukkah Band...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"> 1. The Velvet Undergelt</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">-Jason Rohrblogger</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">(12/22/19)</span></div>
Jason Rohrbloggerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12797370725395056029noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7218679.post-82085903797559160802018-12-23T19:09:00.000-08:002019-12-29T18:45:35.067-08:00TOP TEN SIGNS IT IS CHRISTMAS IN PHOENIX, ARIZONA<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Top Ten Signs it is Christmas in Phoenix, Arizona<br />
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10. Stockings hung by the chimichanga with care<br />
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9. No room at the inn, baby Jesus has to be born at the Circle K<br />
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8. Bad little boys and girls get a lump of peyote<br />
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7. When Santa hoists his bag of gifts, it is a dry heave<br />
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6. Mormon elves on mission from North Pole Tabernacle<br />
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5. Mrs. Claus making venison tamales<br />
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4. Border Patrol dispatched to Isthmus of Misfit Toys<br />
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3. Eggnog tastes suspiciously like mezcal-and-Sprite<br />
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2. 4X4 sleigh with a twelve-inch lift kit<br />
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And the number one sign it is Christmas in Phoenix, Arizona...<br />
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1. Then one foggy Christmas Eve, Santa came to say, "Rudolph with your fully automatic assault antlers lit so bright, won't you clear I-10 tonight?"<br />
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-Jason Rohrblogger<br />
(12/23/18)</div>
Jason Rohrbloggerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12797370725395056029noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7218679.post-42734626927356549762018-12-09T14:06:00.001-08:002018-12-09T14:16:17.675-08:00TOP TEN SIGNS IT IS HANUKKAH IN PHOENIX, ARIZONA<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Top Ten Signs it is Hanukkah in Phoenix, Arizona<br />
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10. Kids spin fully automatic assault dreidel made of clay<br />
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9. Bubbe serves gefilte tamales<br />
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8. Manischewitz has a worm in the bottom of the bottle<br />
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7. Why is tonight different than any other night? It is not 117°F in the shade.</div>
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6. Sufganiyot tastes suspiciously like a tortilla stuffed with manteca </div>
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5. Mormonides comes down from Utah to read the Torah</div>
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4. Half the gelt are pesos</div>
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3. Combo plate includes: refried latkes, carne Masada tacos, and kosher carnitas</div>
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2. Family only has enough peyote for one night, but it lasts for eight</div>
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And the number one sign it is Hanukkah in Phoenix, Arizona...</div>
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1. Mohel cuts off the end of your chimichanga </div>
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-Jason Rohrblogger (12/9/18)</div>
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Jason Rohrbloggerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12797370725395056029noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7218679.post-76619532164576235742015-12-24T21:05:00.001-08:002015-12-24T21:11:33.884-08:00TOP TEN SIGNS IT IS CHRISTMAS IN BAKERSFIELD, CALIFORNIA<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">Top Ten Signs it is Christmas in Bakersfield, California</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">10. Eight tiny reindeer spotted in high density feed lot at Harris Ranch</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white;"> 9. All stockings stuffed with Kern County Fair footlong corndogs</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white;"> 8. Santa asks Rudolph to guide his sleigh tonight because the Air Quality Index is above five-hundred</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white;"> 7. Chevron drills for oil on Island of Misfit Toys</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white;"> 6. Sugar Plum fairy has six teeth and a full back tattoo</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white;"> 5. Bright star seen in East just illegal fireworks</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white;"> 4. Little Drummer Boy playing for three drunk line dancers at Buck Owens' Crystal Palace</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white;"> 3. Santa living in RV Park off Highway 99</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white;"> 2. Three Wise Men moved to Morro Bay</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: small;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">And the number one sign it is Christmas in Bakersfield, California...</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white;"> 1. Oildale tweakers cook up a holiday batch of Christmeth</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">-Jason Rohrblogger</span></div>
<div style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: small;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">(12/24/15)</span></div>
</div>
Jason Rohrbloggerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12797370725395056029noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7218679.post-42811613156915161272014-12-24T21:00:00.000-08:002018-12-09T13:53:14.658-08:00TOP TEN SIGNS IT IS HANUKKAH IN BAKERSFIELD, CALIFORNIA<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
<div style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: small;">
<span style="color: white;">Top Ten Signs it is Hanukkah in Bakersfield, California</span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: white;">10. Chevron fracks enough oil for one night, but it lasts for eight</span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"> 9. Maccabees fight for right to party</span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"> 8. Fine coffee normally served at Buck Owen's Crystal palace replaced with Manischewitz wine. Let's see if anyone notices.</span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: small;">
<span style="color: white;"> 7. Why is tonight different from every other night? The Air Quality Index is below five-hundred.</span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"> 6. Every shiksa in Oildale gets a Star of David tramp stamp</span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"> 5. Bubbe's potato latkes taste suspiciously like Bubba's animal fries from In-n-Out Burger on Highway 99</span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"> 4. NASCAR track celebrates Festival of Light Beer</span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"> 3. Dustbowl conditions mean no clay for dreidels, kids play spin-the-bottle instead.</span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"> 2. Sufganiyot just kosher Dunkin' Donuts</span></div>
<div style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: small;">
<span style="color: white;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: small;">
<span style="color: white;">And the number one sign it is Hanukkah in Bakersfield, California...</span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: small;">
<span style="color: white;"> 1. Stetson yarmulkes and leather fringe prayer shawls</span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: small;">
<span style="color: white;">-Jason Rohrblogger</span></div>
<div style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: small;">
<span style="color: white;">(12/24/15)</span></div>
</div>
Jason Rohrbloggerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12797370725395056029noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7218679.post-75739109118465995812013-12-24T16:25:00.000-08:002018-12-09T14:08:44.123-08:00TOP TEN SIGNS SANTA IS GETTING TOO OLD FOR THIS<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Top Ten Signs Santa is Getting Too Old for This<br />
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10. Candy cane replaced with actual cane<br />
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9. Reindeer games now only bingo and shuffleboard<br />
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8. Popping Geritol like sugarplums</div>
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7. In emergency, calls on Rudolph to change his adult diapers</div>
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6. Then: Milk and cookies</div>
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Now: Milk of Magnesia and Ensure</div>
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5. His joints are more accurate than the weatherman</div>
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4. Can't fit walker down chimney</div>
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3. "Going all night" means not getting up to pee</div>
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2. Then: On Dasher, on Dancer! On Prancer and Vixen! </div>
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Now: On Dilantin, on Darvocet! On Flomax and Lasix!</div>
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<div style="font-family: arial; font-size: small;">
And the number one sign Santa is getting too old for this...</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: arial; font-size: small;">
1. I heard him exclaim, as he rode out the dawn, "Merry Christmas to all, and stay off my lawn!"</div>
<div style="font-family: arial; font-size: small;">
<br />
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-Jason Rohrblogger</div>
<div>
(12/24/13)</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
And the alternates...</div>
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<br /></div>
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Stays away from natural foods, because he needs all the preservatives he can get</div>
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Fell asleep at the sleigh</div>
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Naughty kids given a lump of green jello</div>
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If North Pole stays frozen for longer than four hours, has to consult a physician</div>
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Used to be able to go all night at least once a year, now can barely get sled up for a few minutes</div>
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Belly shakes like a bowl full of prunes</div>
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Takes him longer to rest than it did to get tired</div>
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NORAD just tracks his pacemaker</div>
<div style="font-family: arial; font-size: small;">
Can't see over the sleigh, forgot the keys, and completely lost the Naughty List</div>
</div>
Jason Rohrbloggerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12797370725395056029noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7218679.post-20773277354259969222013-09-17T12:08:00.000-07:002013-09-17T12:12:57.839-07:00AREA MAN IN PLUSH HIGH-RISE OFFICE 'BARELY SURVIVING'<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">After overhearing a colleague on the phone this morning, I wrote this quick "<a href="http://www.theonion.com/" target="_blank">Onion</a>"-style article:</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">Area Man in Plush High-rise Office 'Barely Surviving'</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">by Staff Business Correspondent <a href="http://www.toptenlog.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">Jason Rohrblogger</a></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">Beverly Hills--Area purchasing manager Herb Stoeffel reports that he is "Just hanging on" this morning at work.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">Upon arrival in the carpeted, leather upholstered lobby, Stoeffel's administrative assistant greeted him with the news that a fresh pot of hazelnut coffee and warm glazed donuts have been delivered to the breakfast room by local vendor, Tri-state Office Equipment. Breathing a heavy sigh, Stoeffel advised his administrative assistant that "some days it's not even worth chewing through the straps to come to work, you know?" Sitting in his climate controlled office with high-speed internet and indirect lighting, Stoeffel noted that his voicemail indicator was blinking. "Will it never end?" he silently prayed to an unforgiving God.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">Ten e-mails and one monthly report later, Stoeffel was blindsided by a lunch offer from his counterpart in marketing. "Morton's is out of the sea bass," marketing manager Al "Bad News" Thompson warned, "so it looks like either the Oscar-style filet mignon or the scallops croquette again."</span></div>
<div style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">"Why don't you just put a rusty shotgun in my stomach and pull the trigger?" Stoeffel wondered aloud, fighting to just take one breath at a time.</span></div>
<div style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">Adding to the impossible working conditions, Building Services announced that the number one stall in the men's room will be out of service for 45 minutes to fix a leaky water supply line with a request to use one of the other eight well-appointed, chemically deodorized stalls. "When will sweet death relieve me from this dystopian nightmare of existential doom?" Stoeffel muttered under his shallow breath. When asked by accounting receptionist Shaundra Malvo to please hold on the phone, Stoeffel replied that he is, "Barely holding it together, right now!"</span></div>
<div style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">"Sometimes he will just stare out of his 15th-floor corner window at the panoramic view of the Pacific Ocean for hours," observed office manager Anne-Marie Oshira. "Some days he can hardly focus or concentrate with all the problems going on. He's not the type of person you want to put on speaker during a phone conversation."</span></div>
<div style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">Finally informed that due to a "delay" in the mail room, all early morning packages will be personally hand-delivered to recipients by 10:30am this morning and not the usual 10:00am, Stoeffel just threw up his arms and shouted, "How are we supposed to run a business here? This is unbelievable!" Sources point out that it's not even Monday.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">-Jason Rohrblogger (9/17/13)</span></div>
</div>
Jason Rohrbloggerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12797370725395056029noreply@blogger.com0Beverly Hills, CA, USA34.0736204 -118.400356333.9684109 -118.5617178 34.178829900000004 -118.2389948tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7218679.post-75022589281199373172012-04-30T19:43:00.000-07:002012-04-30T19:43:12.575-07:00TOP TEN FILL-IN-THE-BLANKS FOR "I'D LIKE TO ______ HER _______."<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
Top Ten Fill-in-the-Blanks for "I'd Like to ______ Her _______."<br />
<br />
10. Pork, beans<br />
<br />
9. Batten down, hatches<br />
<br />
8. Wax, car<br />
<br />
7. Calculate, adjusted gross income<br />
<br />
6. Google, Yahoo<br />
<br />
5. Steam, clams<br />
<br />
4. Caulk, bathtub<br />
<br />
3. Trim, hedge<br />
<br />
2. Tack, carpet<br />
<br />
And the number one fill-in-the-blank for "I'd like to ____ her ____..."<br />
<br />
1. Verb, noun<br />
<br />
-Jason Rohrblogger<br />
(4/30/12)<br />
<br />
And the alternates...<br />
<br />
Flick, Bic<br />
Snake, drain<br />
Kill, Bill<br />
Seed, lawn<br />
Shred, sensitive documents<br />
Pillage, village<br />
Degrease, oven<br />
Vacuum, drapes<br />
Check, math<br />
Hang, blinds<br />
Polish, brass<br />
Flush, coolant<br />
Seal, driveway<br />
Stain, deck<br />
Nail, trim<br />
<br /></div>Jason Rohrbloggerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12797370725395056029noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7218679.post-45339355200883718122012-03-18T22:06:00.001-07:002012-03-18T22:16:50.398-07:00TOP TEN REJECTED BAKERIESA friend is opening a bakery and asked for name suggestions. Here are some currant egg samples...<br />
<br />
Top Ten Rejected Bakeries<br />
<br />
10. Thorough Bread<br />
<br />
9. King of Tarts<br />
<br />
8. Uprising<br />
<br />
7. Go for Dough<br />
<br />
6. Half Baked<br />
<br />
5. Flour Power<br />
<br />
4. Grain Expectations<br />
<br />
3. La Boulingerie<br />
<br />
2. Batter Up<br />
<br />
And the number one rejected bakery...<br />
<br />
1. L'il Yeasty's<br />
<br />
-Jason Rohrblogger<br />
(3/18/12)<br />
<br />
And the alternates...<br />
<br />
Lovin' Oven<br />
Et Tu, Brûlée?<br />
Dough See Dough<br />
The Posh Nosh<br />
In for a Penny, in for a Poundcake<br />
Upper Crust<br />
Cakey, Breaky, Hearth<br />
Lox of Bagels<br />
Dairy Home Companion<br />
Salacious Crumbs<br />
We Boast the Best Toast<br />
Lick Our Spoon<br />
Sweet Desires<br />
Muffin Top<br />
Cake4U<br />
We're on a Roll<br />
Nice Rack<br />
Rolling in It<br />
The French Confection<br />
Diabetes Depot<br />
Babycakes, Now with 10% Real Baby<br />
Carbo Loaders<br />
The Life of Pie<br />
And Eat It, Too<br />
Simple Simon's<br />
Let Them Eat Cake<br />
210°F<br />
Mighty Morphin' Power Bagels <br />
I Got Your Cupcake Right Here<br />
Glazing the Doughnut<br />
Butter Face<br />
SpongeCake SquareHat<br />
Hot Tossed Buns<br />
Whisked Away<br />
Gateau'd of Here!<br />
Angel Food<br />
The Torte Court<br />
Chocolate Thunderballs<br />
Neat Wheat<br />
Queens of the Scone Age<br />
Much Ado About Muffin<br />
Fruitcakes in the Nuthouse<br />
Marzy Pan's<br />
Plum Crazy<br />
Tiers for Flair<br />
Wuthering Bites<br />
Jack Frosting<br />
Cap'n Calorie Crunch<br />
Sugar Daddy's<br />
Tres Leeches<br />
Stuff Yer Cakehole!<br />
Megaton'sJason Rohrbloggerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12797370725395056029noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7218679.post-682868768918989602012-02-14T13:30:00.000-08:002012-02-14T13:30:14.922-08:00TOP TEN CYNICAL VALENTINE'S DAY QUOTES<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><br />
Top Ten Cynical Valentine's Day Quotes<br />
<br />
<br />
10. "Never go to bed mad -- stay up and fight." -Phyllis Diller <br />
<br />
<br />
9. "Once you have loved someone, you'd do anything in the world for them...except love them again." <br />
-Franklin Barnes <br />
<br />
8. "Love is like war: Easy to begin but hard to end." -Jan Forrest <br />
<br />
7. "Love has the power of making you believe what you would normally treat with the deepest suspicion."<br />
-Honoré Gabriel Riqueti<br />
<br />
6. "Three things can't be hidden: coughing, poverty, and love." -Yiddish proverb <br />
5. "I should like to see any kind of a man, distinguishable from a gorilla, that some good and even pretty woman could not shape a husband out of." -Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr. <br />
4. "A woman might as well propose: her husband will claim she did." -Edgar Watson Howe <br />
<br />
3. "No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying." -Every Husband Ever <br />
<br />
2. "It is not uncommon for slight acquaintances to get married, but a couple really have to know each other to get divorced." -Willard G. Utley<br />
<br />
And the number one cynical Valentine's Day quote...<br />
1. "The people people have for friends <br />
Your common sense appall <br />
But the people people marry <br />
Are the queerest folk of all." -Charlotte Perkins Gilman <br />
<br />
-Jason Rohrblogger<br />
(2/14/12)<br />
<br />
And the alternates...<br />
<br />
"It does not matter what you do in the bedroom as long as you do not do it in the street and frighten the horses." -Mrs. Patrick Campbell <br />
<br />
"A happy home is one in which each spouse grants the possibility that the other may be right, though neither believes it." -Don Fraser <br />
<br />
"If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?" -Dorothy Parker <br />
<br />
"There are three kinds of men who do not understand women: Young, old, and middle-aged." -Anonymous (and with good reason)</div>Jason Rohrbloggerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12797370725395056029noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7218679.post-90677889837145154082012-02-09T19:43:00.000-08:002012-02-11T22:10:29.670-08:00TOP TEN REJECTED COOKIE FORTUNES<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">Top Ten Rejected Cookie Fortunes<br />
<br />
10. Work hard and you will receive your reward tomorrow. In the afterlife.<br />
<br />
9. Do not worry. God sees all and forgives you. Even the stuff you did last night.<br />
<br />
8. As a Pisces, you should have known, that wasn't fish<br />
<br />
7. Work out harder and your date will like how you look. At least until the evening when you cannot get it up.<br />
<br />
6. Only a fool believes something written on a scrap of paper inside a stale cookie<br />
<br />
5. Everyone secretly agrees that your head is too small for your body<br />
<br />
4. The fortune you seek is in another pastry<br />
<br />
3. Someone has googled you recently<br />
<br />
2. It's all your fault<br />
<br />
And the number one rejected cookie fortune...<br />
<br />
1. I found your boyfriend on Craigslist. He wasn't selling his pool table.<br />
<br />
-Jason Rohrblogger and Dr. Rody<br />
(2/9/12)<br />
<br />
And the alternates...<br />
<br />
You are not illiterate<br />
Do not eat any Chinese food today, or you will be very sick<br />
404 Fortune not found<br />
You may be hungry again in one hour. Order some takeout now.<br />
It is going to burn when you pee</div>Jason Rohrbloggerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12797370725395056029noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7218679.post-46950287177326959572012-01-08T11:27:00.000-08:002012-02-09T19:32:20.081-08:00JASON'S TOP TEN CURRENT AILMENTS<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">It appears that, by listing every ache and pain, there are folks on the internet getting more attention than me. This will not stand. Quintuple amputee? Botched gender reassignment? Sore nipples? Rest assured, no matter what the ailment, I am sicker than you. I an effort to garner endless sympathetic comments, herewith are Jason's Top Ten Current Health Issues. See you at my telethon...<br />
<br />
Jason's Top Ten Current Ailments<br />
<br />
10. My Renaissance Period is Late<br />
<br />
9. Ingrown Labia<br />
<br />
8. Rum Disease<br />
<br />
7. Cranial Yeast Infection<br />
<br />
6. Silky Discharge<br />
<br />
5. Boca Cerrada<br />
<br />
4. Colon Blow<br />
<br />
3. Weeping Prostate<br />
<br />
2. Syphilis Diller<br />
<br />
And Jason's number one current health issue...<br />
<br />
1. His n' Herpes<br />
<br />
-Jason Rohrblogger<br />
(1/8/12)<br />
<br />
And the alternates...<br />
<br />
Chlamydia Chowder<br />
Here Today Gonorrhea<br />
Sexually Transmitted Unease<br />
Prefrontal Lobe Piercing is Infected<br />
Penile Autophagia<br />
Subdural Michelle Bachman<br />
Fybromyass<br />
Earworm<br />
Fall Down and Go Boom<br />
Toenail Bulimia Nervosa<br />
Shpilkes in the Genechtagazoink<br />
Acute Anal Leakage<br />
Total Blastoma<br />
Rectal Havoc<br />
Hypothalmic Arrest<br />
Residual Halitosis<br />
<div><br />
</div></div>Jason Rohrbloggerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12797370725395056029noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7218679.post-35633997923549913852011-12-25T00:08:00.000-08:002011-12-25T00:08:00.469-08:00TOP TEN SIGNS SANTA HAS BEEN USING FACEBOOK AND TWITTER<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">10. He knows if you've been sleeping, he knows if you're awake all night playing Angry Birds<br />
<br />
9. Sent his request to @Rudolph #WontYouGuideMySleigh Tonight?<br />
<br />
8. Unfriended the Island of Misfit Toys<br />
<br />
7. Those twitpics of your Halloween outfit almost put you on the Naughty List<br />
<br />
6. The hash tag LumpOfCoal is trending in your stocking<br />
<br />
5. Hasn't checked his e-mail since last Christmas<br />
<br />
4. Missed delivering gifts to all of New Jersey because Blitzen stopped to harvest his crops in Farmville<br />
<br />
3. All letters to Santa must be 140 characters or less<br />
<br />
2. Just checked-in to your chimney on Yelp<br />
<br />
And the number one sign Santa has been using Facebook and Twitter...<br />
<br />
1. Requests streaming milk and cookies directly to his iSled<br />
<br />
-Jason Rohrblogger<br />
(12/25/11)</div>Jason Rohrbloggerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12797370725395056029noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7218679.post-67110084040861781882011-04-05T09:55:00.000-07:002017-07-22T20:21:59.590-07:00101 THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
101 Things I Want to Do Before I Die<br />
<br />
1. Run for Mayor of Funkytown <br />
<br />
2. Go to the Wailing Wall and yell, "Hey, Kool-Aid!"<br />
<br />
3. Finally pay off my tab at Hooters<br />
<br />
4. Double down on a pair of twos in Vegas, baby, Vegas<br />
<br />
5. Make a movie starring midgets, crossdressers, and a pink chihuahua <br />
<br />
6. Go paraspelunking<br />
<br />
7. Date a zoologist<br />
<br />
8. Memorize the Qur'an backwards<br />
<br />
9. Give a lecture series on banditry<br />
<br />
10. Sing the entire libretto to Puccini's "Gianni Schicchi" at karaoke<br />
<br />
11. Start a bachata band but insist on playing it conjunto-style<br />
<br />
12. Join the La Leche League<br />
<br />
13. Photograph a leprechaun breaking a wild unicorn in the Tropic of Cancer<br />
<br />
14. Play it cool for awhile<br />
<br />
15. Take up smoking<br />
<br />
16. Learn how to pilot a paper airplane<br />
<br />
17. Buy one of Aerosmith's guitar pics on eBay<br />
<br />
18. Three-day backcountry bivouac in Beverly Hills<br />
<br />
19. Fly, captain, fly on a mystery ship<br />
<br />
20. Yell "THEATER!" in a crowded fire<br />
<br />
21. Finish translating "The Epic of Gilgamesh" into Valley Girl<br />
<br />
22. Quell an uprising<br />
<br />
23. Finally lose at Jeopardy <br />
<br />
24. Slap a parking enforcement officer<br />
<br />
25. Graduate High school<br />
<br />
26. Mosey <br />
<br />
27. Read the entire ingredient list on a packet of ketchup<br />
<br />
28. Road trip <br />
<br />
29. Backup Jennifer Aniston's hard drive<br />
<br />
30. Fly in a jet<br />
<br />
31. Cry over spilled milk<br />
<br />
32. Finish writing my manifesto<br />
<br />
33. Fish for Great White Plankton<br />
<br />
34. Die and come back<br />
<br />
35. Pirate a video about pirates<br />
<br />
36. Sail in the Baltic Sea<br />
<br />
37. Visit the DMV in the Congo<br />
<br />
38. Complete the Marlboro Marathon<br />
<br />
39. Lead a full-scale land invasion of Kate Winslet<br />
<br />
40. Spend more time at the office<br />
<br />
41. Be a stunt man for a major film<br />
<br />
42. Read the entire collected works of Margaret Mitchell<br />
<br />
43. Hang out with a monkey<br />
<br />
44. Walk the plank<br />
<br />
45. Sell a chicken at an open-air market<br />
<br />
46. Sketch Chernobyl at sunset<br />
<br />
47. Do fifty crunches in less than a year<br />
<br />
48. Fly too close to the sun<br />
<br />
49. Eat at Ed's<br />
<br />
50. Play H.O.R.S.E with Kobe Bryant<br />
<br />
51. Spit fire<br />
<br />
52. Be a spokesman for phlebotomy<br />
<br />
53. Put a dollar in the Statue of Liberty's g-string<br />
<br />
54. Tour with Tito Jackson<br />
<br />
55. Spill the beans<br />
<br />
56. Set a world record<br />
<br />
57. Kill a real live zombie<br />
<br />
58. Cry havoc<br />
<br />
59. Take a mime class in Mandarin<br />
<br />
60. Run amok<br />
<br />
61. Introduce a hippie chick to Ayn Rand <br />
<br />
62. Locate the Lost City of Detroit <br />
<br />
63. Strike anywhere<br />
<br />
64. Build a raft using only coconut hulls and a stick of gum<br />
<br />
65. Outsource Michael Moore to China<br />
<br />
66. Fill a Jacuzzi with whipped cream and Tabasco sauce<br />
<br />
67. Mess with those British dudes who don't move<br />
<br />
68. Party with Gabe Kaplan<br />
<br />
69. Fence a stolen ketchup packet<br />
<br />
70. Reconcile proto-Marxist feminist ideology with a milkshake that brings all the boys to the yard<br />
<br />
71. Tell Ricky Martin to shut up<br />
<br />
72. Eat sushi with Aquaman<br />
<br />
73. Sew a split personality back together<br />
<br />
74. Represent<br />
<br />
75. Filter water using only my own sense of right and wrong <br />
<br />
76. Compete in a krumping competition<br />
<br />
77. Smoke a boneless rubber chicken <br />
<br />
78. Build an Easter basket out of extruded aluminum<br />
<br />
79. Have a cool mural painted on my car<br />
<br />
80. Act in a school play within a school play about a school play<br />
<br />
81. Compete in a hot dog eating competition <br />
<br />
82. Neutralize that one Teletubby that looks at me funny<br />
<br />
83. Give out free hugs<br />
<br />
84. Describe a color that no one has ever seen before<br />
<br />
85. Finally look before I leap<br />
<br />
86. Point out the obsequious<br />
<br />
87. Learn a bunch of stuff<br />
<br />
88. Come to love the smell of Napalm in the morning<br />
<br />
89. Lens my Donny Osmond biopic<br />
<br />
90. Get into a rap battle<br />
<br />
91. Swim the Ganges River at high pyre<br />
<br />
92. Pledge allegiance to McDonald's, Disneyland, and Budweiser<br />
<br />
93. Frankly give a damn<br />
<br />
94. Wish upon a starfish<br />
<br />
95. Finish third for once<br />
<br />
96. Set the voices in my head to music<br />
<br />
97. Play jai alai<br />
<br />
98. Jump through a glass window<br />
<br />
99. Learn to make tacos provençale <br />
<br />
100. Get a Burma shave <br />
<br />
And the 101st thing I want to do before I die is...<br />
<br />
101. Date übermodel Gabourey Sidibe<br />
<br />
-Jason Rohrblogger<br />
(4/5/11)</div>
Jason Rohrbloggerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12797370725395056029noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7218679.post-6664265446729230322011-02-10T09:15:00.000-08:002011-02-10T09:15:28.626-08:00TOP TEN PET FOOD STORE NAMESNote: a friend is opening up a pet food store in Chandler, AZ and has solicited help with store names. Herewith are my...<br />
<br />
Top Ten Pet Food Store Names<br />
<br />
10. Hot Dogs and Cool Cats<br />
<br />
9. Haute Dogs and Fat Cats<br />
<br />
8. Indiana Bones the Temple of Gruel<br />
<br />
7. Millionhairs<br />
<br />
6. Pam-Purred Pets<br />
<br />
5. Phi-Dough<br />
<br />
4. Snoop Doggy Grog<br />
<br />
3. Iams What Iams<br />
<br />
2. Growl Bowl<br />
<br />
And the number one pet food store name...<br />
<br />
1. The Manic Organic<br />
<br />
-Jason Rohrblogger<br />
(2/10/11)<br />
<br />
And the alternates...<br />
<br />
Animal Crackers<br />
The Masticating Mongrel<br />
Collar and Leash<br />
Bonedaddy<br />
I Can Haz Catfoodz?<br />
Beast Buffet<br />
The Critter Counter<br />
The Tabby Table<br />
Smorgasdog<br />
The Need for Feed<br />
Fois Claw<br />
Free Range Alpo<br />
Bow Wow Barn<br />
For the Birds<br />
Party Animal<br />
The Gilded Retch<br />
Doggie Style<br />
Trash Can Sam's<br />
Atomic Dog<br />
Bow Wow Wow Yipee Yo Yipee Yay<br />
Eau de Toilette<br />
Kitty Vittles<br />
Pet Project<br />
Got Milk?<br />
Pussy and Pooch Pethouse Pets<br />
Blue Collar Bites<br />
The Mangy Morsel<br />
Purina Chow Chow Chow<br />
Cat Comestibles<br />
Kitten Cuisine<br />
Labrador Larder<br />
Kennel Ration<br />
Puppy Pablum<br />
Snake Snacks<br />
Fido Feast<br />
Poodle Provisions<br />
Benji Bread<br />
Collie Cooking<br />
Fox Fodder<br />
Feline FareJason Rohrbloggerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12797370725395056029noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7218679.post-83540725420316626342011-01-20T09:43:00.000-08:002011-01-20T09:59:21.338-08:00TOP TEN BANNED PHRASES 2011Top Ten Banned Phrases 2011<br />
<br />
10. LOL<br />
<br />
9. Mortgage meltdown<br />
<br />
8. Fail<br />
<br />
7. BFF<br />
<br />
6. Refudiate<br />
<br />
5. Friend as a verb<br />
<br />
4. Man up<br />
<br />
3. _____ is like Hitler.<br />
<br />
2. Epic<br />
<br />
And the number one banned phrase 2011<br />
<br />
1. Blood libel<br />
<br />
-Jason Rohrblogger<br />
(1/20/11)Jason Rohrbloggerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12797370725395056029noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7218679.post-10064039885671947962010-12-29T19:53:00.000-08:002010-12-29T19:53:22.058-08:00TOP TEN RAIN ONE LINERSNote: Los Angeles has had unprecedented precipitation breaking all records for the month of December. Herewith are my...<br />
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Top Ten Rain One Liners<br />
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10. The rain is so bad I just got pulled over by the Coast Guard on the 405 Freeway<br />
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9. I was cited for not having enough life jackets in my Corolla <br />
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8. The rain is so bad the carpool lane has a diving board<br />
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7. The rain is so bad that Christopher Cross song doesn't sound so relaxing anymore<br />
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6. There is so much water in the sky, I saw a bird wearing swim fins<br />
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5. The water table is up to my kitchen table <br />
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4. The rain is so bad my rainbow sank<br />
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3. The rain is so bad McDonald's has a swim-thru window<br />
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2. The rain is so bad Jay Leno is driving a fleet of submarines<br />
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And the number one rain one liner...<br />
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1. The rain is so bad George W. Bush is sending Michel D. Brown to see what all the hubbub is about<br />
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-Jason Rohrblogger<br />
(12/29/10)<br />
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And the alternates...<br />
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Kevin Costner just green lit a Water World sequel<br />
Nemo found at a Lakers game<br />
Little Mermaid no longer wishing for legs<br />
Live crabs at Red Lobster make a break for it<br />
Ke$ha finally caught in a shower<br />
Tommy Chong high, but not dry<br />
Endless parade of Hummers have a reason for three feet of ground clearance<br />
Graffiti completely washed from the concrete walls of the Los Angeles River<br />
Paparazzi using periscopes<br />
Noah Wyle seen building an ark<br />
Deadliest Catch shot in South Central<br />
Variety declares: "Drought Out! Fins in!"<br />
LAX only open to Hydroplanes<br />
Real Estate literally underwaterJason Rohrbloggerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12797370725395056029noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7218679.post-32689151804272431322010-12-23T05:16:00.000-08:002010-12-28T19:08:39.959-08:00TOP TEN REJECTED CHRISTMAS TELEVISION SPECIALSTop Ten Rejected Christmas Television Specials<br />
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10. A Very Special Awkward Aunt Meets Drunken Uncle Christmas<br />
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9. A Very Special Ludachristmas<br />
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8. Mediocre Mel's Very Average Christmas<br />
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7. Behind the North Pole <br />
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6. You're No Longer Relevant, Charlie Brown<br />
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5. A Very Special Muslim Mouse Meets Christian Cat<br />
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4. Pope Benediddy's Xtreme Xmas Rockin' Eve!<br />
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3. How the Grinch Stole $500 Billion in Unsecured Stock Derivatives<br />
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2. Bethlehem Idol<br />
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And the number one rejected Christmas television special...<br />
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1. Rabbi Shmuley Boteach's Claymation Dradle-fest 2010<br />
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-Jason Rohrblogger<br />
(12/5/10)<br />
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And the alternates...<br />
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A Very Special Happy Holidays from Salem Sally the Procrastinating Witch Who Should Have Had Her Special Out in Time for Halloween<br />
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The Littlest Prostitute<br />
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Chrizzy in the Hizzy: MC Screwj Bitch Slaps Christmas<br />
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Blitzen in Lockdown: A North Pole Prison Tail<br />
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4.5% Amortized 'til New Years: The Federal Reserve Saves Christmas <br />
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A Very Special Home Invasion<br />
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Year Without a Santa Clause, Easter Bunny, or Tooth Fairy<br />
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A Kwanzaa Karol<br />
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101st Reindeer Airborne take Tora Bora for Baby Jesus<br />
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For Whom the Sleigh Bell TollsJason Rohrbloggerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12797370725395056029noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7218679.post-72640040724816743962010-12-20T06:43:00.000-08:002010-12-20T06:43:00.372-08:00SANTA'S TOP TEN REJECTED REINDEERSanta's Top Ten Rejected Reindeer<br />
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10. Boner<br />
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9. Blitzed<br />
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8. Surly<br />
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7. Vexed<br />
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6. Lazy<br />
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5. Rudolph the Red Nosed Giuliani<br />
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4. Basher<br />
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3. Hesher<br />
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2. Sneezy<br />
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And Santa's number one rejected reindeer...<br />
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1. Snoop Doggy Deer<br />
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-Jason Rohrblogger<br />
(12/20/10)<br />
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And the alternates...<br />
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Goth<br />
Osama<br />
Punky<br />
Sauer Kraut<br />
Inky, Dinky, Binky, Clyde<br />
Mario<br />
Venison<br />
QuagmireJason Rohrbloggerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12797370725395056029noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7218679.post-1153088033611288332010-12-17T05:20:00.000-08:002010-12-17T05:20:00.596-08:00LAME QUIZHere's another one of those stupid quizzes I love. <br />
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FAVE SONG: Baby Got Back (I like big butts and I cannot lie) <br />
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LADIES: SUPERMAN OR CLARK KENT? Superkent <br />
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GENTS: GINGER OR MARYANN? Ginger was a slut! I pick Ginger... <br />
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FAVE QUOTE: "Let me show you where." <br />
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TELL ME A SECRET, C'MON: My anaconda don't want none unless you got buns, hon. <br />
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WHAT IS YOUR FAVE FOOD? Lobster stuffed inside filet mignon stuffed inside a paté of duck liver <br />
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DESCRIBE YOUR IDEAL MATE: Chainsmoking librarian who owns a liquor store <br />
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IF YOU COULD CHANGE ANYTHING ABOUT YOURSELF WHAT WOULD IT BE? I would tone down my extreme sexiness one notch <br />
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WHAT IS YOUR EYE COLOR? Red <br />
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WHAT IS THE MOST VULGAR STATEMENT YOU'VE SAID OR OVERHEARD? You're now in the top tax bracket<br />
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EVER HAD A CRUSH ON A FRIEND? And a couple of enemies <br />
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ANY FOREIGN LANGUAGES? I'm fluent in colloquial Swahili <br />
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FAVE WORD? Bitches <br />
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WORDS OF WISDOM?: Cut the red wire <br />
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MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND: Lance Armstrong <br />
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LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND: Jackie Kennedy <br />
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SAY SOMETHING NICE ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU: Jennifer you rock and you rock and you don't stop<br />
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-Jason Rohrblogger<br />
(12/17/10)Jason Rohrbloggerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12797370725395056029noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7218679.post-62851203543070493782010-12-14T16:43:00.000-08:002010-12-14T16:43:00.246-08:00TOP TEN POLITICALLY CORRECT CHRISTMAS CAROLSTop Ten Politically Correct Christmas Carols<br />
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10. Frosty the Snowperson<br />
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9. I'm Dreaming of a Multicultural Christmas<br />
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8. O Come Let us Adore Him or Her<br />
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7. Jolly Mature Morally-Gifted Nicholas<br />
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6. Rudolph the Recovering-Alcoholic Reindeer-American<br />
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5. Vertically Challenged Drummer Child of Undetermined Gender<br />
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4. Oh Holiday Tree<br />
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3. Have Yourself a Merry Little Day of Winter<br />
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2. Grandma Allegedly Got Run Over by a Non-Human Perpetrator<br />
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1. I'll be Home for a Short Period of Time in December<br />
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-Jason Rohrblogger<br />
(12/14/10)<br />
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And the alternates...<br />
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Rudolph the Differently-abled Reindeer<br />
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Chestnuts Roasting on a Safely Maintained Continuously Monitored Nontoxic Eco-friendly Outdoor Fire for which I do Have a Permit<br />
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Higher Power Rest Ye Merry Gentlepeople<br />
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Deck the Halls with Boughs of Unendangered Foliage (If Office Policy Permits)<br />
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Hark! The Herald Mythical Winged Creature Sings<br />
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I Saw Mommy Greeting Santa Claus with a Purely Platonic Expression of Inoffensive Mutual Affection<br />
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We Wish You a Merry Non-Religious-Specific Day-Off in Winter<br />
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Oh Come all Ye of Extreme Loyalty to Non-Material Evidence<br />
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Oh Devout Night<br />
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O Little Town of Palestinian Joint Rule <br />
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We Three Misogynist Autocrats of Eastern Asia AreJason Rohrbloggerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12797370725395056029noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7218679.post-16294961768189683912010-12-10T08:54:00.000-08:002010-12-10T08:54:42.256-08:00TOP TEN REJECTED EUPHEMISMS FOR SANTA GOING DOWN THE CHIMNEYTop Ten Rejected Euphemisms for Santa Going Down the Chimney<br />
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10. Gleaming the tube<br />
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9. The full Mary Poppins<br />
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8. Donning the sweet soot suite suit<br />
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7. Riding the fire<br />
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6. Smoking the hole<br />
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5. Chimnastics<br />
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4. Going on facebrick<br />
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3. Getting a piece of ash<br />
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2. Sucking the yule fuel<br />
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And the number one rejected euphemism for Santa going down the chimney...<br />
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1. Catching the flue<br />
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-Jason Rohrblogger<br />
(12/10/10)<br />
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And the alternates...<br />
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Flamediving<br />
Singeing Santa<br />
Baking the beard<br />
Sautéing the Saint<br />
Roasting los regalos<br />
Reindeer dropping<br />
The jolly old Viking funeral<br />
Lighting Santa's Cigarette<br />
Cooking Father Christmas<br />
Searing the sucker<br />
Taking the hellivator<br />
Cramming the gramps<br />
Parachuting the pyre<br />
Infiltrating the inferno<br />
The Nocturnal Nick Knock<br />
Sticking the stovepipe<br />
Gerbaling the Jolly Elf<br />
Sucking the soot cigar<br />
Crawling the carbon cavern<br />
Dunking in the dark drain<br />
Thumbing the thermal throughway<br />
The sleighride through central spark<br />
Stalking the stockings<br />
Reaming the resin<br />
Cleaning the cough cave<br />
Flying the furnace<br />
Entering the exhaust<br />
Crunching candy canes down Internal Combution Canyon<br />
Bouncing down Backdraft Blvd<br />
Up Soot CreekJason Rohrbloggerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12797370725395056029noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7218679.post-85702918638350487422010-12-07T14:46:00.000-08:002010-12-07T14:46:58.738-08:00TOP TEN WIKILEAKS SURPRISESTop Ten WikiLeaks Surprises<br />
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10. Angela Merkel secretly likes it when George W. Bush rubs her shoulders after a hard day at the summit<br />
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9. Hillary Clinton can never remember the name of that one dude from Kazakhstan. You know, the guy with the fez or the keffiyeh or the sarong or whatever.<br />
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8. Muammar Khadafi likes to feel pretty on the weekends<br />
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7. Vladimir Putin spends thirty hours a week looking at LOL cats<br />
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6. Fidel Castro really hates the U.S.<br />
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5. In May of 2009, Canada was six hours away from launching a full scale land invasion of Megan Fox before a settlement was reached for her to not star in any more Transformers movies<br />
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4. Belgium will waterboard it's own citizens after three unpaid parking tickets<br />
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3. Burmese Strongman Than Shwe has the worst garlic breath<br />
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2. Iran just wants to be held<br />
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And the number one WikiLeaks surprise...<br />
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1. Jimmy Carter once shanked a man over access to the Suez Canal<br />
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-Jason Rohrblogger<br />
(12/7/10)<br />
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And the alternates...<br />
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Bill Clinton still has a top secret Russian nurse who handles all of his medicine<br />
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Mobutu Sese Seko can hang ten with Tom Hanks in Malibu on the righteous waves<br />
<br />
The Kardashians are talentless hacks<br />
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The 'h' in Kathmandu is not silent<br />
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Sarah Palin is actually an Oxford-trained economist who just acts dumb so she will appeal to real AmericansJason Rohrbloggerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12797370725395056029noreply@blogger.com1