Jason Rohrblogger's Top Ten...

JASON ROHBLOGGER'S TOP TEN PREDICITONS FOR 2010

rohrblogger@gmail.com (Jason Rohrblogger) — Sun, 27 Dec 2009 16:27:00 +0000

Jason Rohrblogger's Top Ten Predictions for 2010

10. Jim Bob Duggar will finally figure out how to use a condom

9. OJ Simpson will successfully break out of jail, and before being apprehended, will manage to star in another Hertz commercial

8. Jesse Jackson's love child will ghostwrite John Edwards' love child's tell-all memoir

7. Lindsey Lohan will once again become America's sweetheart with her youthful charm and childlike innocence

6. One lost weekend in Vegas, Larry King will divorce and remarry again

5. Liz Taylor will retire

4. Elin Woods will start dating Annika Sörenstam

3. Michael Jackson will be spotted alive, with his ex-father-in-law Elvis, in a Tallahassee Stuckey's

2. Sarah Palin will become the first victim of Barack Obama's first death panel

And Jason Rohrblogger's number one prediction for 2010...

1. I will finally have to stoop to writing recycled, hackneyed, pop-culture references

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/27/09)

And the alternates...

Ann Coulter will finally find Mr. Far Right

David Letterman will enter rehab for his addiction to disco biscuits

Dick Cheney will preemptively invade a 4:30 buffet

Octomom, Balloon Boy, Jon and Kate, and Spencer Pratt will entertain us with their endless talent and original material

Jesus will return

George W. Bush-era nostalgia will reign as folks remember the Good Times when you used to could mortgage your house to put gas in your Hummer. Now we are all just living in our cars.

Osama bin Laden will turn up living in a San Francisco free-love commune

TOP TEN WAYS SANTA CLAUS IS CUTTING BACK IN THIS ECONOMY

rohrblogger@gmail.com (Jason Rohrblogger) — Thu, 24 Dec 2009 13:16:00 +0000

Top Ten Ways Santa Claus is Cutting Back in this Economy

10. Purina Reindeer Chow 10% sawdustier

9. Naughty List digitized and posted on Facebook

8. Belly now shakes like a bowlful of ramen

7. Blitzen given up to Madonna for adoption

6. Valuable lump of coal replaced with Enron stock certificate

5. Reindeer/electric hybrid sleigh

4. Off-season condo in Florida timeshared with Hanukkah Harry, Ramadan Rashid, and Kwanzaa Kenny

3. All requests for specific toys outsourced to a call center in India

2. Workshop in northclosure

And the number one way Santa Claus is cutting back in this economy...

1. Only sending 30,000 more troops to Elfghanistan

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/1/09)

And the alternates...

Mrs. Claus trying to extort money from David Letterman
Had to sell his membership in The Hair Club for Men
Half of the deliveries subcontracted out to Balloon Boy
Forced to become Spokesanta for Jenny Craig
Only wrapping every other gift
Completely skipping Billy Roger's house of Colton, Ohio
Octomom only left with seven gifts

TOP TEN WORST CHRISTMAS ALBUM COVERS OF ALL TIME

rohrblogger@gmail.com (Jason Rohrblogger) — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 15:08:00 +0000

Top Ten Worst Christmas Album Covers of All Time

10.

And the number one worst Christmas album cover of all time...

1.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/21/09)

And the alternates...

TOP TEN REJECTED BEERS

rohrblogger@gmail.com (Jason Rohrblogger) — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 15:18:00 +0000

Top Ten Rejected Beers

10. Hugh Hefeweizen

9. Dr. Bock

8. Fail Ale

7. Birth Control Pilsner

6. Malt Disney

5. Captain's Lager

4. Coal Porter

3. Sour Kraut Stout

2. Margaret Mead

And the number one rejected beer...

1. Beers for Fears

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/18/09)

And the alternates...

Barley-Davidson
Yeast Injection
David Hasselhops

TOP TEN TASTELESS TIGER WOODS JOKES

rohrblogger@gmail.com (Jason Rohrblogger) — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 13:18:00 +0000

Top Ten Tasteless Tiger Woods Jokes

10. Q: What is Tiger's favorite Christmas Carol?
A: I'm Dreaming of a White Mistress

9. Tiger may be a playboy, but his wife was out clubbing on Thanksgiving

8. Why did Tiger decide to redo Elin's prenuptial agreement? She told him about her new recipe for Swedish meatballs.

8. Did you hear Tiger changed his name to Lion Cheetah?

7. The police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him. "I can't remember," Elin said, "just put me down for a five."

6. What's the difference between a Cadillac and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a golf ball four-hundred yards.

5. What does Tiger Woods have in common with a baby seal? They've both been clubbed by a Swede.

4. Tiger has a new movie coming out. It's called "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant."

3. Did you hear Nike's new motto? Just do me.

2. Tiger's other women aren't mistresses. They're provisionals.

And the number one tasteless Tiger Woods joke...

1. Tiger Woods won't be playing any more tournaments this year. However, I'm sure he will get in some holes here and there.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/14/09)

And the alternates...

What's the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods? Santa always stops after three hos

Tiger drives an Escalade, so couldn't he blame the accident on his Caddy?

Elin asked her marriage counselor why, next time, she should go after Tiger with a nine-iron instead of the three-iron she used the morning after Thanksgiving?
The counselor advised, "Because, now you're closer to the green.

Tiger crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron. Should have used a driver, though.

Gatorade dropped their Tiger Woods sports drink. Because it would be rude to ask, "Is it in you?"

What's the difference between Tiger's pal Rachel Uchitel and Mr. Ed?
Mr. Ed's hair was naturally blond, and he could talk.

Tiger woods drives very well on the fairway but doesn't fare very well on the driveway.

Q: What course gives Tiger the most trouble?
A: Intercourse.

Q. What kind of club did Elin swing at Tiger?
A. Looks like it was a bitching wedge.

Someone should explain to Tiger's wife that hitting a driver meant the club, not the guy in the front seat. Imagine what will happen the next time he asks his wife to do some ironing.

When asked when he would be doing Oprah, Tiger stated, "She's not my type."

Tiger can't seem to control his wood.

Tiger Woods has decided to take a break from golf, to concentrate on his first love: adultery.

TOP TEN TINKERBELL PET PEEVES

rohrblogger@gmail.com (Jason Rohrblogger) — Sun, 13 Dec 2009 07:41:00 +0000

Top Ten Tinkerbell Pet Peeves

10. That bitch, Wendy

9. Captain Hook has a thing for young boys and never notices when you get a new haircut

8. Heiresses who name their Chihuahuas after you

7. Disney lawyers crawl all over you if you even think of doing regional theater in the off-season

6. No decent Thai food in Never Never Land

5. Lost Boys with slingshots

4. Carpal wand

3. Smee's wandering hands

2. Mosquito nets

And the number one Tinkerbell pet peeve...

1. Pixie lung from breathing all of that pixie dust

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/12/09)

ADULT MOVIE OR PRINCE SONG?

rohrblogger@gmail.com (Jason Rohrblogger) — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 18:49:00 +0000

Adult Movie or Prince Song?

10. "Dirty Mind"

9. "Cream"

8. "Do Me Baby"

7. "Gett Off"

6. "Soft and Wet"

5. "Head"

4. "I Wanna Be Your Lover"

3. "Nasty Girl"

2. "Insatiable"

And the number one adult movie or Prince song...

1. "The Greatest Romance Ever Sold"

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/9/09)

And the alternates...

"Orgasm"
"Sexy M.F."
"I'm Yours"
"Nothing Compares 2 U"
"My Love Is Forever"
"The Most Beautiful Girl In The World"
"I'm Yours"
"In Love"
"Kiss"
"Adore"

*They are all Prince songs...

PROUST QUESTIONNAIRE

rohrblogger@gmail.com (Jason Rohrblogger) — Sat, 05 Dec 2009 20:08:00 +0000

I originally got this post from Dave over at Blogography who got it from Finn over at A Life Less Ordinary who got it from Vanity Fair. I am going to answer the original Vanity Fair questions because I'm so vain, I probably think this fair is about me...

Proust Questionnaire

What is your most marked characteristic?
My dragon tattoo with the head of Roger Ebert and the body of J-Lo

What is the quality you most like in a man?
The body of J-Lo

What is the quality you most like in a woman?
The head of Roger Ebert

What do you most value in your friends?
Lending money

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Sometimes my sexiness is so extreme, it causes the earth to spin backwards

What is your favorite occupation?
Assistant Ponzi schemer

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
A loaf of bread, a jug of wine, and internet access

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Abu Grhantánamo Bay

In which country would you like to live?
Nigeria. All of their banks need my help.

Who are your favorite writers?
Jenn, Heather, Jack, Bombshell, Carrie, and David

Who are your favorite poets?
Lim Erick. And that guy from Nantucket is talented!

Who is your favorite hero of fiction?
Jay Gatz

Who is your favorite heroine of fiction?
Debbie from Dallas

Who are your favorite composers?
Hendrix, Zeppelin, Crüe

Who are your favorite painters?
Baer, Safecoat, Sherwin-Williams

What are your favorite names?
Jason, Astrid, Aloysius, Rumer, Apple, Spandau

What is it that you most dislike?
Honesty, competence, beauty

Which talent would you most like to have?
Ability to lick my own eyebrows

How would you like to die?
In an alcoholic stupor smothered under Jennifer Aniston's poodle and a thirty-pound bacon double cheeseburger (extra pickles)

What is your current state of mind?
Fuzzy. What's your point?

What is your motto?
No army has ever won a war on two fronts in Asia, so don't even try

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/5/09)

JASON MAKES MCSWEENEY'S AGAIN!

rohrblogger@gmail.com (Jason Rohrblogger) — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 03:19:00 +0000

Jason Gets Republished in McSweeney's!

I submitted my Top Ten Topics of Conversation at My Cousin's House on Any Given Holiday list to McSweeney's and they originally published it back in March of 2007.

They just published it again as part of their Cornucopia of Thanksgiving Lists!

All hail McSweeney's and their awesome double publishing of my dysfunctional humor!

-Rohrblogger
(11/30/09)

TOP TEN THINGS FOR WHICH I AM THANKFUL

rohrblogger@gmail.com (Jason Rohrblogger) — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 02:59:00 +0000

Top Ten Things for Which I am Thankful

10. Exculpatory evidence

9. Quicklime

8. Teh internets

7. Bulletproof underwear

6. The firms of Beam, Daniels, and Cuervo

5. Turkey (the animal, the lunch meat, and the country)

4. Freedom

3. The amazingly good-looking readers of my blog

2. Folger's Crystals

And the number one thing for which I am thankful...

1. Boobs

-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/24/09)

*One of the spell check suggestions for Cuervo is "fervor." Say "fervor for Cuervo" three times fast...

FOUND PORN

rohrblogger@gmail.com (Jason Rohrblogger) — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 01:30:00 +0000

The Twirl This post over at Awful Library Books is full-on X-rated without even trying to be. I'm just saying author Constance Atwater knows what she's doing.

"A backward wrist motion rolls the shaft between the thumb and the first finger. Tip points to the right, ball to the left.... The shaft is released from the thumb and first finger."

I'm talking about baton twirling. I don't know what you were thinking...

-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/21/09)

TOP TEN CONTRACT RIDERS FOR JRTT

rohrblogger@gmail.com (Jason Rohrblogger) — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 13:33:00 +0000

Top Ten Contract Riders for Jason Rohrblogger's Top Ten

10. A copy of the Mona Lisa must be visible at all times from the window of my dressing room or Jason Rohrblogger will not perform

9. All concert personnel must be vaccinated for rabies, distemper, and heartworm

8. Mr. Rohrblogger is to be picked up at the airport in a 1915 Stutz Bearcat and driven to the nearest Taco Bell

7. Dressing room to be stocked with condoms (extra large), popcorn butter, Zovirax, and Depens

6. One centaur, male

5. A library stocked with Judy Blume novels

4. A personal trainer be available on demand for Mr. Rohrblogger's shellfish

3. Identical twin Swedish blackjack dealers fluent in Mandarin and Portuguese

2. No one is to reference Folger's Crystals or acknowledge its existence in the presence of Mr. Rohrblogger

And the number one contract rider for Jason Rohrblogger's Top Ten...

1. Don't get Mr. Rohrblogger happy. You wouldn't like him when he's happy

-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/18/09)

And the alternates...

Massage-trained goats
Two kegs light beer with red cups
One monkey-themed banana bong
One carton Kool Extra-Heavy
DVD box set of The Brady Bunch
Loaded baked potato-flavored Pop Tarts

ROCKING MY WORLD(S)

rohrblogger@gmail.com (Jason Rohrblogger) — Sun, 15 Nov 2009 17:04:00 +0000

This video came out last week and I cannot get enough of it. Every time I watch it, there is another layered inside joke I missed before. Amazing work, BentTV!

ALL NEW! Star Wars Gangsta Rap: Chronicles

Atom.com: Funny Videos | Atom Originals | Star Wars Gangsta Rap

-Rohrblogger

CNN AND THE TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE, NO GOOD, VERY BAD ANCHOR

rohrblogger@gmail.com (Jason Rohrblogger) — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 15:07:00 +0000

Lou Dobbs quit CNN! I'm all for free speech. And when your speech is against an entire class of people (i.e. immigrants) then that free speech belongs in only two places: talk radio, and/or the internet with the rest of the crazies.

CNN is for news and editorial opinion that involves policies not people. Love the immigrant, hate the poverty. Love the terrorist, hate the terror. Love the anchor, hate the show.

That's why I'm glad to see it go...

-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/12/09)

TOP TEN NEW GOLF TERMS

rohrblogger@gmail.com (Jason Rohrblogger) — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 03:30:00 +0000

Today's post was stolen from here and here and here.

Top Ten New Golf Terms

10. A "Rock Hudson" - a putt that looked straight, but wasn't

9. A "Saddam Hussein" - from one bunker into another

8. A "Yasser Arafat" - butt ugly and in the sand

7. A "John Kennedy Jr." - didn't quite make it over the water

6. A "Rodney King" - over-clubbed

5. An "O.J." - got away with one

4. A "Princess Grace" - should have used a driver

3. A "Princess Di" - should not have used the driver

2. A "Ted Kennedy" - goes in the water and jumps out

And the number one new golf term...

1. A "Jason Rohrblogger" - too drunk to play the back nine

-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/10/09)

And the alternates...

A "Condom" - safe, but didn't feel very good
A "Brazilian" - shaved the hole
A "Rush Limbaugh" - a bit too far to the right
A "Nancy Pelosi" - way to the left and out of bounds
A "James Joyce" - a putt that's impossible to read
A "Pee Wee Herman" - too much wrist
A "Sonny Bono" - straight into the trees
A "Paris Hilton" - a very expensive hole
A "RuPaul" - can't find your last two balls

JASON'S TOP TEN INTERNET TIME WASTERS

rohrblogger@gmail.com (Jason Rohrblogger) — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 18:10:00 +0000

This is the reason I can't get any work done...

Jason's Top Ten Internet Time Wasters

10. This is Why You are Fat

9. Why do You Have a Kid?

8. Awful Library Books

7. Awesome Family Photos

6. There, I Fixed It

5. Lovely Listing

4. Item Not as Described

3. Your Argument is Invalid

2. The Hawtness

And Jason's number one internet time waster...

1. People of Walmart

-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/7/09)

And the alternates...

The Wedinator
Ugliest Tattoos
That Will Buff Out
Fail Blog
LOL Dogs
Celebrity Snark
Totally Looks Like
Pundit Kitchen
Graph Jam
Parents on Facebook
You Should Have that Translated
Photoshop Disasters
Picture is Unrelated
Separated at Birth

THE MEME ON THE BLOG GOES ROUND AND ROUND

rohrblogger@gmail.com (Jason Rohrblogger) — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 14:02:00 +0000

I originally got this meme from Heather over at Yummy Sushi Pajamas.

I posted my original response here.

If you want to play, reply to this meme by yelling Words! in the comments, and I will give you five words that remind me of you. Then post them on your blog and explain what they mean to you.

Atomic Bombshell tagged herself at my original post and I sent her words. Then I tagged myself again at her blog, Tricycle.

My words from Ms. Bombshell...

5. Hilarious - Recycled dick jokes, stolen premises, and lousy puns, is there anything better?

4. Creative - I like to think my creativity is up to the high standards of the internet.

3. Intelligent - Who is smarter: the woman who writes the meme, or the man who tags himself to get memed?

2. Thoughtful - Oh, I'm full of thoughts. Some of them are even appropriate.

And my number one word...

1. Loving - Like Dionne Warwick says, self-love is the greatest love of all...

-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/2/09)

TOP TEN CAPTAINS

rohrblogger@gmail.com (Jason Rohrblogger) — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 12:28:00 +0000

Top Ten Captains

10. Cap'n Crunch

9. Captain Kangaroo

8. Captain Stubing

7. Captain Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger

6. Captain & Tennille

5. Captain Caveman

4. Captain of Her Heart

3. Captain Kirk

2. Captain America

And the number one captain...

1. Captain Morgan

-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/30/09)

And the alternates...

Captain Ahab
Captain Hawkeye Pierce
Captain Hook
Captain Nemo
Captain Han Solo
Captain Kidd
Captain Jack Sparrow
Captain Obvious
Captain Underpants
Captain Jonas Grumby

TOP TEN BEST HALLOWEEN SONGS

rohrblogger@gmail.com (Jason Rohrblogger) — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 11:40:00 +0000

Top Ten Best Halloween Songs

10. "Welcome to My Nightmare" -Alice Cooper

"We sweat, laugh, and scream here,
'Cause life is just a dream here"

9. "(Don't Fear) the Reaper" -Blue Öyster Cult

"Seasons don't fear The Reaper
Nor do the wind, the sun, and the rain"

8. "Cry Little Sister" -Gerard McMann

"Blind boys don't lie"

7. "Dead Man's Party" -Oingo Boingo

"Everybody's comin', leave your body at the door"

6. "Ghostbusters" -Ray Parker, Jr.

"If there's something weird and it don't look good,
Who ya gonna call? Ghostbusters!"

5. "Monster Mash" -Bobby "Boris" Pickett

"For my monster from his slab began to rise
And suddenly to my surprise, he did the mash"

4. "Time Warp" -Richard O'Brien

"With your hands on your hips, you bring your knees in tight
But it's the pelvic thrust that really drives you insane,
Let's do the Time Warp again!"

3. "Werewolves of London" -Warren Zevon

"I saw a werewolf drinking a piña colada at Trader Vic's
His hair was perfect"

2. "Highway to Hell" -AC/DC

"Going down, party time
My friends are gonna be there, too"

And the number one Halloween song...

1. "Thriller" -Michael Jackson

"You feel the cold hand and wonder if you'll ever see the sun
You close your eyes and hope that this is just imagination, girl!"

-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/27/09)

And the alternates...

"Psycho Killer" -Talking Heads

"We are vain and we are blind
I hate people when they're not polite"

"Nightmare on My Street" -DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince

"He comes to me at night after I crawl into bed
He's burnt up like a weenie and his name is Fred"

"The Toccata and Fugue in D minor" -Johann Sebastian Bach

"Da dah dah, Dah da dah dah DAH dah"

MUSING WITH MS. CLARK

rohrblogger@gmail.com (Jason Rohrblogger) — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 01:50:00 +0000

Tip o' the blog to Darby Clark over at Muse With Me for writing a Rohrblogger-inspired Top Ten post and linking back to me!

Check out Darby's hilarity for yourself. Ms. Clark if you're nasty.

Thanks for the blog love, Ms. Clark...

-Rohrblogger

TOP TEN REJECTED ENERGY DRINK FLAVORS

rohrblogger@gmail.com (Jason Rohrblogger) — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 15:59:00 +0000

Top Ten Rejected Energy Drink Flavors

10. Shockolate

9. Blue Bulls

8. Carpé Cream

7. Manana

6. Steak & Onion

5. FD&C Yellow No. 5

4. Electric Hammer

3. Ricin

2. Horehound

And the number one rejected energy drink flavor...

1. Gentle Sea Breeze

-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/24/09)

And the alternates...

Bladdershock
Eggnog
Menthol Ultra Light 100s
Chunky Vinegar & Oil
Key Lime Kidney Failure
X-treme Hollandaise
Corn Squeezins
Pistachio
Urea

JACK FINDS THE TENTH CIRCLE

rohrblogger@gmail.com (Jason Rohrblogger) — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 16:42:00 +0000

Halloween treats to Jack over at Fat Jack's Erratic Rants for linking to my Satan list.

I've been blogging from Hell for years. By the way, Pol Pot says hi!

Thanks for the Devilink, Jack...

-Rohrblogger

TOP TEN WAYS SATAN IS CUTTING BACK THIS HALLOWEEN

rohrblogger@gmail.com (Jason Rohrblogger) — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 02:00:00 +0000

Top Ten Ways Satan is Cutting Back this Halloween

10. Purgatory closed, all sinners sent to Abu Ghraib

9. Only putting razor blades in every other apple

8. Backmasking on Beatles albums now suggest you drink Pepsi

7. Church of Satan will no longer accept tithe in goats

6. Salem witch rituals outsourced to China

5. Pitchfork downgraded to salad fork

4. Only sponsoring three bands at Ozzfest this year

3. Sell two souls for eternity and the third one is free

2. Fine chicken blood normally sprinkled replaced with Folger's Crystals

And the number one way Satan is cutting back this Halloween...

1. Thinking about moving back in with Yahweh

-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/20/09)

And the alternates...

Not going down to Georgia
Hooves 10% less cloven
Road to Hell paved with mediocre intentions
Handbasket will not depart until full

ALL APOLOGIES

rohrblogger@gmail.com (Jason Rohrblogger) — Sat, 17 Oct 2009 10:28:00 +0000

Contrite shout out to Jack over at Fat Jack's Erratic Rants for linking to my Top Ten Apologies list.

I regret any remorse that my sorrow may have caused. Please forgive my apology.

It's all my fault. Well, me and the government, television, banking laws, politics, and lawyers...

-Rohrblogger

TOP TEN SUMO DIET TIPS

rohrblogger@gmail.com (Jason Rohrblogger) — Sat, 17 Oct 2009 00:32:00 +0000

Top Ten Sumo Diet Tips

10. Lettuce is for the weak

9. Avoid portions smaller than a hog

8. Octopus slurry will stretch a milkshake

7. Wrestler who cannot defeat buffet, cannot defeat adversary

6. At Taco Bell thirteen items is a snack, twenty-six items is a meal

5. Kobe Bryant is not a type of beef

4. Preempt hunger with a meal between breakfast and brunch

3. Japanese-accented Fat Bastard impressions are beyond funny

2. The food pyramid makes a great appetizer

And the number one sumo diet tip...

1. After you have vanquished your opponent, it is honorable to finish his sandwich

-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/16/09)