Jason Rohrblogger's Top Ten...

JASON'S TOP TEN CURRENT AILMENTS

2012-01-08T11:27:00.000-08:00

It appears that, by listing every ache and pain, there are folks on the internet getting more attention than me. This will not stand. Quintuple amputee? Botched gender reassignment? Sore nipples? Rest assured, no matter what the ailment, I am sicker than you. I an effort to garner endless sympathetic comments, herewith are Jason's Top Ten Current Health Issues. See you at my telethon...

Jason's Top Ten Current Ailments

10. My Renaissance Period is Late

9. Ingrown Labia

8. Rum Disease

7. Cranial Yeast Infection

6. Silky Discharge

5. Boca Cerrada

4. Colon Blow

3. Weeping Prostate

2. Syphilis Diller

And Jason's number one current health issue...

1. His n' Herpes

-Jason Rohrblogger (1/8/12)

And the alternates...

Chlamydia Chowder
Here Today Gonorrhea
Sexually Transmitted Unease
Prefrontal Lobe Piercing is Infected
Penile Autophagia
Subdural Michelle Bachman
Fybromyass
Earworm
Fall Down and Go Boom
Toenail Bulimia Nervosa
Shpilkes in the Genechtagazoink
Acute Anal Leakage
Total Blastoma
Rectal Havoc
Hypothalmic Arrest
Residual Halitosis

TOP TEN SIGNS SANTA HAS BEEN USING FACEBOOK AND TWITTER

2011-12-25T00:08:00.000-08:00

10. He knows if you've been sleeping, he knows if you're awake all night playing Angry Birds

9. Sent his request to @Rudolph #WontYouGuideMySleigh Tonight?

8. Unfriended the Island of Misfit Toys

7. Those twitpics of your Halloween outfit almost put you on the Naughty List

6. The hash tag LumpOfCoal is trending in your stocking

5. Hasn't checked his e-mail since last Christmas

4. Missed delivering gifts to all of New Jersey because Blitzen stopped to harvest his crops in Farmville

3. All letters to Santa must be 140 characters or less

2. Just checked-in to your chimney on Yelp

And the number one sign Santa has been using Facebook and Twitter...

1. Requests streaming milk and cookies directly to his iSled

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/25/11)

101 THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE

2011-04-05T09:55:00.000-07:00

101 Things I Want to Do Before I Die

1. Run for Mayor of Funkytown

2. Go to the Wailing Wall and yell, "Hey, Kool-Aid!"

3. Finally pay off my tab at Hooters

4. Double down on a pair of twos in Vegas, baby, Vegas

5. Make a movie starring midgets, crossdressers, and a pink chihuahua

6. Go paraspelunking

7. Date a zoologist

8. Memorize the Qur'an backwards

9. Give a lecture series on banditry

10. Sing the entire libretto to Puccini's "Gianni Schicchi" at karaoke

11. Start a bachata band but insist on playing it conjunto-style

12. Join the La Leche League

13. Photograph a leprechaun breaking a wild unicorn in the Topic of Cancer

14. Play it cool for awhile

15. Take up smoking

16. Learn how to pilot a paper airplane

17. Buy one of Aerosmith's guitar pics on eBay

18. Three-day backcountry bivouac in Beverly Hills

19. Fly, captain, fly on a mystery ship

20. Yell "THEATER!" in a crowded fire

21. Finish translating "The Epic of Gilgamesh" into Valley Girl

22. Quell an uprising

23. Finally lose at Jeopardy

24. Slap a parking enforcement officer

25. Graduate High school

26. Mosey

27. Read the entire ingredient list on a packet of ketchup

28. Road trip

29. Backup Jennifer Aniston's hard drive

30. Fly in a jet

31. Cry over spilled milk

32. Finish writing my manifesto

33. Fish for Great White Plankton

34. Die and come back

35. Pirate a video about pirates

36. Sail in the Baltic Sea

37. Visit the DMV in the Congo

38. Complete the Marlboro Marathon

39. Lead a full-scale land invasion of Kate Winslet

40. Spend more time at the office

41. Be a stunt man for a major film

42. Read the entire collected works of Margaret Mitchell

43. Hang out with a monkey

44. Walk the plank

45. Sell a chicken at an open-air market

46. Sketch Chernobyl at sunset

47. Do fifty crunches in less than a year

48. Fly too close to the sun

49. Eat at Ed's

50. Play H.O.R.S.E with Kobe Bryant

51. Spit fire

52. Be a spokesman for phlebotomy

53. Put a dollar in the Statue of Liberty's g-string

54. Tour with Tito Jackson

55. Spill the beans

56. Set a world record

57. Kill a real live zombie

58. Cry havoc

59. Take a mime class in Mandarin

60. Run amok

61. Introduce a hippie chick to Ayn Rand

62. Locate the Lost City of Detroit

63. Strike anywhere

64. Build a raft using only coconut hulls and a stick of gum

65. Outsource Michael Moore to China

66. Fill a Jacuzzi with whipped cream and Tabasco sauce

67. Mess with those British dudes who don't move

68. Party with Gabe Kaplan

69. Fence a stolen ketchup packet

70. Reconcile proto-Marxist feminist ideology with a milkshake that brings all the boys to the yard

71. Tell Ricky Martin to shut up

72. Eat sushi with Aquaman

73. Sew a split personality back together

74. Represent

75. Filter water using only my own sense of right and wrong

76. Compete in a krumping competition

77. Smoke a boneless rubber chicken

78. Build an Easter basket out of extruded aluminum

79. Have a cool mural painted on my car

80. Act in a school play within a school play about a school play

81. Compete in a hot dog eating competition

82. Neutralize that one Teletubby that looks at me funny

83. Give out free hugs

84. Describe a color that no one has ever seen before

85. Finally look before I leap

86. Point out the obsequious

87. Learn a bunch of stuff

88. Come to love the smell of Napalm in the morning

89. Lens my Donny Osmond biopic

90. Get into a rap battle

91. Swim the Ganges River at high pyre

92. Pledge allegiance to McDonald's, Disneyland, and Budweiser

93. Frankly give a damn

94. Wish upon a starfish

95. Finish third for once

96. Set the voices in my head to music

97. Play jai alai

98. Jump through a glass window

99. Learn to make tacos provençale

100. Get a Burma shave

And the 101st thing I want to do before I die is...

101. Date übermodel Gabourey Sidibe

-Jason Rohrblogger
(4/5/11)

TOP TEN PET FOOD STORE NAMES

2011-02-10T09:15:00.000-08:00

Note: a friend is opening up a pet food store in Chandler, AZ and has solicited help with store names. Herewith are my...

Top Ten Pet Food Store Names

10. Hot Dogs and Cool Cats

9. Haute Dogs and Fat Cats

8. Indiana Bones the Temple of Gruel

7. Millionhairs

6. Pam-Purred Pets

5. Phi-Dough

4. Snoop Doggy Grog

3. Iams What Iams

2. Growl Bowl

And the number one pet food store name...

1. The Manic Organic

-Jason Rohrblogger
(2/10/11)

And the alternates...

Animal Crackers
The Masticating Mongrel
Collar and Leash
Bonedaddy
I Can Haz Catfoodz?
Beast Buffet
The Critter Counter
The Tabby Table
Smorgasdog
The Need for Feed
Fois Claw
Free Range Alpo
Bow Wow Barn
For the Birds
Party Animal
The Gilded Retch
Doggie Style
Trash Can Sam's
Atomic Dog
Bow Wow Wow Yipee Yo Yipee Yay
Eau de Toilette
Kitty Vittles
Pet Project
Got Milk?
Pussy and Pooch Pethouse Pets
Blue Collar Bites
The Mangy Morsel
Purina Chow Chow Chow
Cat Comestibles
Kitten Cuisine
Labrador Larder
Kennel Ration
Puppy Pablum
Snake Snacks
Fido Feast
Poodle Provisions
Benji Bread
Collie Cooking
Fox Fodder
Feline Fare

TOP TEN BANNED PHRASES 2011

2011-01-20T09:43:00.000-08:00

Top Ten Banned Phrases 2011

10. LOL

9. Mortgage meltdown

8. Fail

7. BFF

6. Refudiate

5. Friend as a verb

4. Man up

3. _____ is like Hitler.

2. Epic

And the number one banned phrase 2011

1. Blood libel

-Jason Rohrblogger
(1/20/11)

TOP TEN RAIN ONE LINERS

2010-12-29T19:53:00.000-08:00

Note: Los Angeles has had unprecedented precipitation breaking all records for the month of December. Herewith are my...

Top Ten Rain One Liners

10. The rain is so bad I just got pulled over by the Coast Guard on the 405 Freeway

9. I was cited for not having enough life jackets in my Corolla

8. The rain is so bad the carpool lane has a diving board

7. The rain is so bad that Christopher Cross song doesn't sound so relaxing anymore

6. There is so much water in the sky, I saw a bird wearing swim fins

5. The water table is up to my kitchen table

4. The rain is so bad my rainbow sank

3. The rain is so bad McDonald's has a swim-thru window

2. The rain is so bad Jay Leno is driving a fleet of submarines

And the number one rain one liner...

1. The rain is so bad George W. Bush is sending Michel D. Brown to see what all the hubbub is about

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/29/10)

And the alternates...

Kevin Costner just green lit a Water World sequel
Nemo found at a Lakers game
Little Mermaid no longer wishing for legs
Live crabs at Red Lobster make a break for it
Ke$ha finally caught in a shower
Tommy Chong high, but not dry
Endless parade of Hummers have a reason for three feet of ground clearance
Graffiti completely washed from the concrete walls of the Los Angeles River
Paparazzi using periscopes
Noah Wyle seen building an ark
Deadliest Catch shot in South Central
Variety declares: "Drought Out! Fins in!"
LAX only open to Hydroplanes
Real Estate literally underwater

TOP TEN REJECTED CHRISTMAS TELEVISION SPECIALS

2010-12-23T05:16:00.000-08:00

Top Ten Rejected Christmas Television Specials

10. A Very Special Awkward Aunt Meets Drunken Uncle Christmas

9. A Very Special Ludachristmas

8. Mediocre Mel's Very Average Christmas

7. Behind the North Pole

6. You're No Longer Relevant, Charlie Brown

5. A Very Special Muslim Mouse Meets Christian Cat

4. Pope Benediddy's Xtreme Xmas Rockin' Eve!

3. How the Grinch Stole $500 Billion in Unsecured Stock Derivatives

2. Bethlehem Idol

And the number one rejected Christmas television special...

1. Rabbi Shmuley Boteach's Claymation Dradle-fest 2010

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/5/10)

And the alternates...

A Very Special Happy Holidays from Salem Sally the Procrastinating Witch Who Should Have Had Her Special Out in Time for Halloween

The Littlest Prostitute

Chrizzy in the Hizzy: MC Screwj Bitch Slaps Christmas

Blitzen in Lockdown: A North Pole Prison Tail

4.5% Amortized 'til New Years: The Federal Reserve Saves Christmas

A Very Special Home Invasion

Year Without a Santa Clause, Easter Bunny, or Tooth Fairy

A Kwanzaa Karol

101st Reindeer Airborne take Tora Bora for Baby Jesus

For Whom the Sleigh Bell Tolls

SANTA'S TOP TEN REJECTED REINDEER

2010-12-20T06:43:00.000-08:00

Santa's Top Ten Rejected Reindeer

10. Boner

9. Blitzed

8. Surly

7. Vexed

6. Lazy

5. Rudolph the Red Nosed Giuliani

4. Basher

3. Hesher

2. Sneezy

And Santa's number one rejected reindeer...

1. Snoop Doggy Deer

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/20/10)

And the alternates...

Goth
Osama
Punky
Sauer Kraut
Inky, Dinky, Binky, Clyde
Mario
Venison
Quagmire

LAME QUIZ

2010-12-17T05:20:00.000-08:00

Here's another one of those stupid quizzes I love.

FAVE SONG: Baby Got Back (I like big butts and I cannot lie)

LADIES: SUPERMAN OR CLARK KENT? Superkent

GENTS: GINGER OR MARYANN? Ginger was a slut! I pick Ginger...

FAVE QUOTE: "Let me show you where."

TELL ME A SECRET, C'MON: My anaconda don't want none unless you got buns, hon.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVE FOOD? Lobster stuffed inside filet mignon stuffed inside a paté of duck liver

DESCRIBE YOUR IDEAL MATE: Chainsmoking librarian who owns a liquor store

IF YOU COULD CHANGE ANYTHING ABOUT YOURSELF WHAT WOULD IT BE? I would tone down my extreme sexiness one notch

WHAT IS YOUR EYE COLOR? Red

WHAT IS THE MOST VULGAR STATEMENT YOU'VE SAID OR OVERHEARD? You're now in the top tax bracket

EVER HAD A CRUSH ON A FRIEND? And a couple of enemies

ANY FOREIGN LANGUAGES? I'm fluent in colloquial Swahili

FAVE WORD? Bitches

WORDS OF WISDOM?: Cut the red wire

MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND: Lance Armstrong

LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND: Jackie Kennedy

SAY SOMETHING NICE ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU: Jennifer you rock and you rock and you don't stop

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/17/10)

TOP TEN POLITICALLY CORRECT CHRISTMAS CAROLS

2010-12-14T16:43:00.000-08:00

Top Ten Politically Correct Christmas Carols

10. Frosty the Snowperson

9. I'm Dreaming of a Multicultural Christmas

8. O Come Let us Adore Him or Her

7. Jolly Mature Morally-Gifted Nicholas

6. Rudolph the Recovering-Alcoholic Reindeer-American

5. Vertically Challenged Drummer Child of Undetermined Gender

4. Oh Holiday Tree

3. Have Yourself a Merry Little Day of Winter

2. Grandma Allegedly Got Run Over by a Non-Human Perpetrator

1. I'll be Home for a Short Period of Time in December

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/14/10)

And the alternates...

Rudolph the Differently-abled Reindeer

Chestnuts Roasting on a Safely Maintained Continuously Monitored Nontoxic Eco-friendly Outdoor Fire for which I do Have a Permit

Higher Power Rest Ye Merry Gentlepeople

Deck the Halls with Boughs of Unendangered Foliage (If Office Policy Permits)

Hark! The Herald Mythical Winged Creature Sings

I Saw Mommy Greeting Santa Claus with a Purely Platonic Expression of Inoffensive Mutual Affection

We Wish You a Merry Non-Religious-Specific Day-Off in Winter

Oh Come all Ye of Extreme Loyalty to Non-Material Evidence

Oh Devout Night

O Little Town of Palestinian Joint Rule

We Three Misogynist Autocrats of Eastern Asia Are

TOP TEN REJECTED EUPHEMISMS FOR SANTA GOING DOWN THE CHIMNEY

2010-12-10T08:54:00.000-08:00

Top Ten Rejected Euphemisms for Santa Going Down the Chimney

10. Gleaming the tube

9. The full Mary Poppins

8. Donning the sweet soot suite suit

7. Riding the fire

6. Smoking the hole

5. Chimnastics

4. Going on facebrick

3. Getting a piece of ash

2. Sucking the yule fuel

And the number one rejected euphemism for Santa going down the chimney...

1. Catching the flue

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/10/10)

And the alternates...

Flamediving
Singeing Santa
Baking the beard
Sautéing the Saint
Roasting los regalos
Reindeer dropping
The jolly old Viking funeral
Lighting Santa's Cigarette
Cooking Father Christmas
Searing the sucker
Taking the hellivator
Cramming the gramps
Parachuting the pyre
Infiltrating the inferno
The Nocturnal Nick Knock
Sticking the stovepipe
Gerbaling the Jolly Elf
Sucking the soot cigar
Crawling the carbon cavern
Dunking in the dark drain
Thumbing the thermal throughway
The sleighride through central spark
Stalking the stockings
Reaming the resin
Cleaning the cough cave
Flying the furnace
Entering the exhaust
Crunching candy canes down Internal Combution Canyon
Bouncing down Backdraft Blvd
Up Soot Creek

TOP TEN WIKILEAKS SURPRISES

2010-12-07T14:46:00.000-08:00

Top Ten WikiLeaks Surprises

10. Angela Merkel secretly likes it when George W. Bush rubs her shoulders after a hard day at the summit

9. Hillary Clinton can never remember the name of that one dude from Kazakhstan. You know, the guy with the fez or the keffiyeh or the sarong or whatever.

8. Muammar Khadafi likes to feel pretty on the weekends

7. Vladimir Putin spends thirty hours a week looking at LOL cats

6. Fidel Castro really hates the U.S.

5. In May of 2009, Canada was six hours away from launching a full scale land invasion of Megan Fox before a settlement was reached for her to not star in any more Transformers movies

4. Belgium will waterboard it's own citizens after three unpaid parking tickets

3. Burmese Strongman Than Shwe has the worst garlic breath

2. Iran just wants to be held

And the number one WikiLeaks surprise...

1. Jimmy Carter once shanked a man over access to the Suez Canal

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/7/10)

And the alternates...

Bill Clinton still has a top secret Russian nurse who handles all of his medicine

Mobutu Sese Seko can hang ten with Tom Hanks in Malibu on the righteous waves

The Kardashians are talentless hacks

The 'h' in Kathmandu is not silent

Sarah Palin is actually an Oxford-trained economist who just acts dumb so she will appeal to real Americans

TOP TEN WAYS TO QUIT SMOKING

2010-11-03T20:12:00.000-07:00

Top Ten Ways to Quit Smoking

10. Smoke twenty joints in one day instead

9. Completely stop eating or having sex

8. Receive one pie in the face every time you light up (clowns only)

7. Freebase the nicotine

6. Exploding cigarettes

5. Warm turkey

4. Tongue-kiss Joe Camel every time you feel like a smoke

3. Switch to a bubble-pipe

2. Replace the fine tobacco normally served with Folger's Crystals

And the number one way to quit smoking...

1. Stop breathing

-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/3/10)

TOP TEN BABY BOBROFF NAMES

2010-09-14T21:19:00.000-07:00

I have some friends with the last name Bobroff who are having a baby. They don't know the sex yet, but have solicited name suggestions...

Top Ten Baby Bobroff Names

10. Bobby (or Bobbi) Bobroff

9. Boris Bobroff

8. Yakov Smirnoff Chekhov Bobroff

7. SpongeBobroff SquareParents

6. Ninja Bobroff

5. David Hasselbobroff

4. Robert "Bob" Roff

3. Kneel Before Zodroff

2. Jayden Taylor Morgan Hailey Madison Aiden Logan Dylan Tyler Mason Landon Brayden Carter Hunter Dallas Conner Austin Blair Aydan Diego Brody Tristan Blake Hayden Colton Parker Addison Riley Heath Aubrey Peyton Brooke Mackenzie Regan Bailey Cooper Garth Avery Cameron Jordon Cole Mathis Callum Devin Quentin Caden Trinity Kylie Wyatt Zoe Cody Paige Bryce Carson Walker Sierra Chase Blaine Cheyenne Skylar Gavin Jackson Caleb Murphy Tate Madden Sloane Harper Vaughan Sherman Broseph Bobroff

And the number one baby Bobroff name...

1. Jason Rohrbobroff

-Jason Rohrblogger
(9/14/10)

And the alternates...

Professor Longhair
Big Chief
Canis Major
Barrack
ThunderQuilt
Posh Spice
Spandau
Apollo
Frampton
Snooki
Tanqueray
Suri
Cinnamon Ginger
Oedipus
Zovirax
Caliber
Puck
Keanu Matrix Point Break Speed
Sidewinder
Long John
Spanky

JASON'S TOP TEN FAVE LINES FROM STEPHANIE AT SEA, 2010

2010-09-05T15:34:00.000-07:00

My cousin, Stephanie, is spending four months on a ship traveling the world for Semester at Sea. She is blogging her experiences over at Stephanie at Sea, 2010. Here are...

Jason's Top Ten Fave Lines from Stephanie at Sea, 2010

10. "Fitting four months of 'stuff' in two bags is a very interesting process."

9. "[G]ladly leave behind my designer shoes that could have paid for another plane ticket in Viet Nam."

8. "Facing something new is such a crazy rush."

7. "I like this chair, I like this corner of the room, the light peeking out of the shutters is enticing."

6. "This opportunity to live and be alive is all I need."

5. "We had to pull a mission impossible to sneak all of us into this two person max room. After we settled in, we went to Tim Horton's for Iced Caps...a delicious Canadian must (especially in the Roy family)."

4. "It's nice to get away from the concrete that surrounds Southern California and take a breather on the coast."

3. "Keeping my mind in check really helps when trying to make this trip last for the exact amount of time that it needs to."

2. "Met up with our awesome crew [and] danced the night away."

And Jason's number one fave line from Stephanie at Sea, 2010...

1. "I am Stephanie Roy and I love life."

-Jason Rohrblogger
(9/5/10)

And the alternates...

"...[W]e run into four executives in dress suits who couldn't help but laugh as we frantically apologized for the hotel not supplying us towels. We made it back to the room out of breath and hysterical...."

"The blue of the ocean is not only blue, it is every shade of turquoise, light blue, dark blue, and blues in between."

"I will be getting the first hand, real experience, of living with a Moroccan family."

"My views on life are manifesting on this ship."

"I am starting to enjoy the rolling."

"We were parallel with the Big Dipper...it was huge! I saw at least four shooting stars. I know Grandpa is up there enjoying all of these experiences with me. It is so humbling to be on a small ship in the middle of the ocean with nothing but ocean and sky until the end of the earth."

"I miss that last hour to sleep in."

"Music is wonderful."

"Obviously by the flow of this post, my 23-hour days are getting a hold of me. Goodnight."

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU ARE SPENDING TOO MUCH TIME ON FACEBOOK

2010-08-26T09:47:00.000-07:00

Top Ten Signs You Are Spending Too Much Time on Facebook

10. Your kids are hungry, the lawn is dead, and mail spills out of the box, but your Farmville is blinged-out perfection

9. Haven't checked your boring old e-mail in six months

8. Spent the last three days looking at ancient yearbook photos, LOL cats, and recycled status updates

7. You feel the urge to tell the entire internet what kind of toilet paper you just used

6. You take caffeine as a helper-drug so you can do more Facebook

5. You've friended people's pets and all of their friends

4. You use friend as a verb

3. Your boss buys you lunch, and you shout, "Like! LOL! ♥ ♥ ♥!"

2. You suffer from coitus wall-post interuptus

And the number one sign you are spending too much time on Facebook...

1. Blogger who?

-Jason Rohrblogger
(8/26/10)

TOP TEN ECONOMY ONE-LINERS

2010-07-14T13:49:00.000-07:00

Top Ten Economy One-liners

The economy is so bad that...

10. I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail

9. African television stations are now showing "Sponsor an American Child" commercials

8. Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries

7. Exxon-Mobil laid off twenty-five Congressmen

6. The ATM gave me an IOU

5. McDonald's is selling the Quarter Ouncer

4. CEOs are now playing miniature golf

3. I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife

2. I bought a toaster oven and my free gift with purchase was a bank

And the number one economy one-liner...

1. My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, so they re-possessed her

-Jason Rohrblogger
(7/14/10)

And the alternates...

I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

A stripper was injured when her audience showered her with pennies

Barack Obama changed his slogan to "Maybe We Can"

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than General Motors

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico

Motel 6 won't leave the light on anymore

A picture is now only worth two-hundred words

Wall Street renamed "Wal-Mart Street"

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they have to share a room

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas taken over by Somali pirates

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America

I eat cereal with a fork to save milk

And two last economy jokes:

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, and retirement funds, I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck...

I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

JASON MAKES CELEBRITY SMACK

2010-06-27T20:48:00.000-07:00

Jason makes Celebrity Smack again! I originally bought Crystal Head Vodka because of the cool bottle. Then I discovered it is really good vodka and it is imported by Dan Aykroyd! When I saw that he was going to have a bottle-signing event, I knew I would have to get a skull full o' booze signed for my fave gossip blogger, Spicy Pants, over at Celebrity Smack. We both started blogging in 2004(!) and have read each other for the last six years. Spicy is a fan of both vodka and Dan Aykroyd, so it was a perfect fit.

Thank you for the shout-out, Spicy! You know I can't wait to read what you post after a few slugs of skull juice! Ha!

-Jason Rohrblogger
(6/27/10)

TOP TEN BIRTHDAY QUOTES

2010-06-01T18:31:00.000-07:00

Here you go, Karen...

Top Ten Birthday Quotes

10. To me, old age is always fifteen years older than I am.
-Bernard Baruch

9. I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
-Phyllis Diller

8. Like many women my age, I am 28-years-old.
-Mary Schmich

7. A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.
-Erma Bombeck

6. Old age isn't so bad when you consider the alternative.
-Maurice Chevalier

5. There is still no cure for the common birthday.
-John Glenn

4. You are only young once, but you can be immature for a lifetime.
-John P. Grier

3. People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.
-George Burns

2. Inside every older person is a younger person - wondering what the hell happened.
-Cora Harvey Armstrong

And the number one birthday quote...

1. A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.
-Robert Frost

-Jason Rohrblogger
(6/1/10)

JACK'S LINKS

2010-05-26T04:17:00.000-07:00

A big thank-you to Jack over at Fat Jack's Erratic Rants for linking to my British Petroleum Excuses list and flooding my fragile bloglands with traffic. Thanks for the shout-out, Jack! May your shoreline be unsp-oil-ed and your coast ever clear.

TOP TEN TV SHOW TITLES THAT DESCRIBE MY LIFE

2010-05-25T13:01:00.000-07:00

Top Ten TV Show Titles that Describe My Life

10. 10 Things I Hate about You

9. Breaking Bad

8. Lie to Me

7. Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?

6. Laff-A-Lympics

5. The Bachelor

4. Biggest Loser

3. Jeopardy

2. Lost

And the number one TV show title that describes my life...

1. Clueless

-Jason Rohrblogger
(5/25/10)

And the alternates...

Diff'rent Strokes
Have Gun - Will Travel
Yes, Dear
Good Times
The Twilight Zone
Mission: Impossible

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU ARE SPENDING TOO MUCH TIME IN TRAFFIC

2010-05-22T04:16:00.000-07:00

Top Ten Signs You are Spending Too Much Time in Traffic

10. No blood in your butt

9. You've gone three blocks in the last hour

8. Your family celebrated their last four Christmases in the passenger seat

7. Red light camera has more pictures of you than Facebook

6. Your DNA is now 50% exhaust

5. Waited so long to clear the intersection, your tags have expired

4. Completely out of ammo (Los Angeles only)

3. A crippled three-toed sloth stopped for a nap and still beat you to the light

2. Traffic report is thirty seconds of the DJ screaming obscenities and questioning the existence of a cruel God who mocks our very attempts at transportation

And the number one sign you are spending too much time in traffic...

1. Have just enough time to fuel up between drive-thrus

-Jason Rohrblogger
(5/22/10)

TOP TEN BRITISH PETROLEUM EXCUSES

2010-05-18T09:52:00.000-07:00

Top Ten British Petroleum Excuses

10. Oil tankers burn fuel and pollute. Trying to deliver crude oil to the shore by all-natural wave action instead

9. Saved enough money on safety equipment to buy three U.S. senators

8. Delicate Gulf Coast ecosystem had it coming

7. Thought Americans would be too distracted by Big Macs and Coca-Cola to notice

6. Daniel Day Lewis drank their milkshake

5. I mean, it's bad, but it's no Katrina. Am I right?

4. Heard Sarah Palin saying "Spill, baby, spill..."

3. Attempting to break record for world's largest tarball party

2. Believed shrimp appetizers at Chili's needed more oil in them

And the number one British Petroleum excuse...

1. It's a Presidents Day safety valve BLOWOUT! This weekend ALL safety valves MUST go! Backup valves, bivalves, even heart valves! Everything is being blown out the door! Gallons of oil, deepwater rigs, and rusty drill bits will be released to the public at ROCK BOTTOM prices! Coral reefs, shoreline habitats, and oyster beds will be UTTERLY DESTROYED by our insane basement blowout MADNESS! Look for the fire on the water and smoke in the sky! This blowout is so popular, BP has extended it for the rest of the SUMMER! This Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, our safety valves have failed and we pass the crude on to you! We must be crazy to be giving unprocessed hydrocarbons away at these prices! This. Summer. Only! C'mon down to Crazy BP's safety valve-tacular. It's distasterrific!

-Jason Rohrblogger
(5/18/10)

TOP TEN VODKAS

2010-05-15T19:31:00.000-07:00

Top Ten Vodkas

10. Skyy

9. Russian Standard

8. Smirnoff

7. Cîroc

6. Stolichnaya

5. Absolut

4. Belvedere

3. Grey Goose

2. Crystal Head

And the number one vodka...

1. Ketel One

-Jason Rohrblogger
(5/15/2010)

TOP TEN REJECTED BOOKS OF THE BIBLE

2010-05-09T09:07:00.000-07:00

Top Ten Rejected Books of the Bible

10. The Gospel According to Moishe

9. Genesis without Phil Collins

8. Numb3rs

7. Ruth Does Gomorrah

6. The Song of Solomon Remains the Same

5. Paul's Letter to the Rastafarians

4. Hebruise

3. Jerusalem Idol

2. Jesus' Top Ten Sermons

And the number one rejected book of the Bible...

1. Bill and Ted's Bogus Gospel

-Jason Rohrblogger
(04/15/07)

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR CAR BOMB IS A DUD

2010-05-06T05:33:00.000-07:00

Top Ten Signs Your Car Bomb is a Dud

10. While festive, filling your payload with silly string and confetti will not increase the impact

9. Your manure is homemade

8. You insist on removing the propane tanks to make room for your kickin' speakerbox

7. Clown car holds two hundred hilarious martyrs, but no detonator

6. Mini Cooper = mini boomer

5. The brakes go out on your Toyota ScudRunner before you can even get it to the infidel target

4. Timer set to go off at midnight February 30th, 2011

3. Entire warhead is a dashboard Jesus strapped to an M-80

2. Fine nitrates normally ignited replaced with Folger's Crystals

And the number one sign your car bomb is a dud...

1. Acme Manhat-o-splode designed by Shaikh Wahile-i-Khyote

-Jason Rohrblogger
(5/6/10)

TOP TEN REJECTED MEN'S MAGAZINES

2010-05-03T04:51:00.000-07:00

Top Ten Rejected Men's Magazines

10. Unpopular Mechanics

9. Economy Car Digest

8. Cosmo Kramer Politan

7. Gentlemen's Bicentennially

6. Playbill

5. Flomaxim

4. Sissyboy

3. Feeled and Scream

2. Gynecomastia Weakly

And the number one rejected men's magazine...

1. Martha Stewart Handgun Collection

-Jason Rohrblogger
(5/3/10)

And the alternates...

Madmenmoiselle
American Male Cheerleader
Tiger Woods Beat
Teen Rogue

I LIKE MY GOSSIP LIKE I LIKE MY TACO: SPICY

2010-04-30T21:04:00.000-07:00

A big thank-you to Spicy Pants over at Celebrity Smack for linking to my Pope Benedict Excuses list and blowing up my stats like Sandra Bullock's marriage! Celebrity Smack is a daily visit for me as Spicy expounds on all things gossip. Check it, fool!

Thank you for the blog love, Spicy Pants!

-Jason Rohrblogger

TOP TEN POPE BENEDICT EXCUSES

2010-04-27T13:58:00.000-07:00

Top Ten Pope Benedict Excuses

10. Those altar boys were asking for it the way they were wearing those vestments

9. A few bad apostles are spoiling the whole church

8. Clerical error

7. All these issues happened in the past and there is no more abuse going on today

6. Should have never canonized St. Peter Asty

5. Per papal doctrine, abused children were never forced to get abortions

4. For easier identification, priests now required to carry candy and drive windowless vans

3. Just trying to keep up with the Mormons

2. What's a little sacrament in the vestibule among friends? Wink-wink

And the number one Pope Benedict excuse...

1. So confident that the problems are fixed, Pope Benedict is sending his own son off to the seminary

-Jason Rohrblogger
(4/27/10)

And the alternate...

Would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for those meddling kids!

TOP TEN LADIES

2010-04-24T06:12:00.000-07:00

Top Ten Ladies

10. Godiva

9. Bird Johnson

8. In Waiting

7. Luck

6. Fingers

5. Chatterly's Lover

4. Bug

3. Liberty

2. Madonna

And the number one lady...

1. Diana

-Jason Rohrblogger
(4/24/10)

And the alternates...

Antebellum
Hawke
In Red
Jane Grey
Business
MacBeth
Elaine Fairchild
Foot Locker
Lay, Lay Across My Big Brass Bed
's Room
Smith Black Mambazo
Sings the Blues
Gaga

TOP TEN GOLDMAN SACHS EXCUSES

2010-04-21T10:18:00.000-07:00

Top Ten Goldman Sachs Excuses

10. Thought working folks would be more willing to give up their pension plans to fund executive bonuses

9. Sachs of gold were getting low

8. Volcano in Europe caused them to take bad risks

7. Merely made a fraudian slip

6. Don't believe the children are our future

5. Ex junk bond junkies getting high on toxic mortgages, what could go wrong?

4. Got online MBA from Hurvurd Univarsity

3. Don't hate the player, hate the game

2. Replaced the fine investments normally sold with Folger's Crystals

And the number one Goldman Sachs excuse...

1. Their congressmen got repossessed once they stopped making payments

-Jason Rohrblogger
(4/21/10)

TOP TEN REJECTED TAVERNS

2010-04-15T15:04:00.000-07:00

Top Ten Rejected Taverns

10. DUI Fridays

9. Derivatives

8. Owl's

7. Archie's Bunker

6. Molester's

5. Mile Fifteen Gas-n-Chug

4. Messiah's

3. Bad News Beers

2. O'Guilty's

And the number one rejected tavern...

1. Osama's Hideaway

-Jason Rohrblogger
(04/03/07)

And the alternate...

Culpa Cabana

TOP TEN REJECTED PROM THEMES

2010-04-12T10:34:00.000-07:00

Top Ten Rejected Prom Themes

10. Voyage to the Bottom of My Pants

9. Almost Pregnant

8. The Mourning After

7. Fleeting Youth

6. Thirty Seconds to Blast Off

5. Awkward Fumbling

4. Parental Consent

3. A Strong Heart for the Lord

2. Prenatal Care

And the number one rejected prom theme...

1. Xtreme Sobriety

-Jason Rohrblogger
(04/16/07)

TOP TEN SIGNS CALIFORNIA IS BANKRUPT

2010-04-09T04:42:00.000-07:00

Top Ten Signs California is Bankrupt

10. Retirees now given a handshake and a can of soup

9. Elementary schools converted directly to prisons

8. San Diego sold to Tijuana for six tacos, a piñata filled with salsa, and a ceramic Bart Simpson lawn ornament

7. Every car stopped on the 405 freeway issued a parking ticket

6. All of First Lady Maria Shriver's dresses look suspiciously like Governor's Mansion curtains

5. California State income tax extended to Arizona, Nevada, and Oregon

4. Mayor of Los Angeles down to emergency backup mistress

3. Golden Gate stolen from bridge

2. State Comptroller parlays entire fiscal 2010 on Jack's Back to place in the third

And the number one sign California is bankrupt...

1. Census takers legally allowed to check your couch cushions for change

-Jason Rohrblogger
(4/9/10)

And the alternates...

Five-dollar cover and two-drink minimum on all Disneyland rides
State now playing own lottery
LAPD running out of gas before they can catch and beat suspects
Silicon Valley in foreclosure
Mt. Shasta available for weddings, bar mitzvahs, quinceañeras, and funerals
Spruce Goose sold for kindling
Schwarzenegger's new catchphrase, "Remember when I said I'd bankrupt you last? I lied."

TOP TEN REJECTED PANDA EXPRESS MENU ITEMS

2010-04-06T17:29:00.000-07:00

Top Ten Rejected Panda Express Menu Items

10. Baby Greens and Baby Panda

9. Sweet and Sour Bologna

8. Octopusicle

7. Fire-roasted Charcoal

6. Honey Walnut Toenails

5. Boom Boom Kung Pao

4. Pol Potsticker

3. Tangy Baboon

2. Deflowered Egg Soup

And the number one rejected Panda Express menu item...

1. Fortune Nookie

-Jason Rohrblogger
(4/6/10)

And the alternates...

Crispy Mongolian
Chicken Chicka Wow Wow
Segregated Vegetables
Cashew Hashish
Chow-chow Mein
Fried Lice
Real Housewives of Orange Chicken
General Tso's Heroin
Panderin' Mandarin Shrimp
Pork Bastard
Chickity China the Chinese Chicken, Have a Drumstick and Your Brain Stops Tickin'

TOP TEN REASONS JESUS RETURNED AFTER THREE DAYS

2010-04-03T04:59:00.000-07:00

Top Ten Reasons Jesus Returned After Three Days

10. Couldn't wait to see the look on Thomas' face

9. Lost His halo at the craps table in Hell

8. Forgot to turn off His iron

7. Wanted to see Peter's cotton tail

6. Spring break!

5. Had to back-up Luke and Artoo on the final run to the exhaust port just below the main port

4. Voiceover stated, "He's back. And this time, it's personal!"

3. Missed dessert at the Last Supper

2. Was finally ready to settle down and go to work for His Father

And the number one reason Jesus returned after three days...

1. Wanted to prove His death was a cruci-fiction (sorry)

-Jason Rohrblogger
(4/3/10)

TOP TEN PLACES I'VE HIDDEN MY EASTER EGGS

2010-03-31T07:41:00.000-07:00

Top Ten Places I've Hidden My Easter Eggs

10. In the eviscerated belly of a frozen Tauntaun

9. Offshore egg shelter

8. Omelet

7. In set of Russian nesting eggs

6. Fallopian tubes

5. In video game

4. Under several chickens

3. Deep in the caves of Tora Bora

2. Up Christopher Walken's ass

And the number one place I've hidden my Easter eggs...

1. In one basket

-Jason Rohrblogger
(3/31/10)

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU ARE NOT GOING TO WIN A NOBEL PRIZE

2010-03-28T06:53:00.000-07:00

Top Ten Signs You are not Going to Win a Nobel Prize

10. Your complete body of research documents how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop

9. Post-doctoral thesis: "The Effects of Grain Alcohol on Man's Ability to Identify Post-structuralist Internet Porn Signifiers Encoded in ASCII Text."

8. You openly declare that we can achieve peace in Belgium in our lifetime

7. No "killer abs" category

6. Whole foreign diplomacy experience is the ability to see Russia from your state

5. Insist on referring to physicist Robert Oppenheimer as Bobby "Boom Boom" McNukenheimer Smith

4. The Nobel Committee is using a tinfoil microphone implanted in your skull to steal all of your best ideas before you can get them published

3. Your hot tub-based time travel model, while theoretically possible, still has not resulted in your going back to 1986 to do burnouts in the Dairy Queen parking lot in a bitchen Camaro

2. You blame global warming on Megan Fox

And the number one sign you are not going to win a Nobel Prize...

1. Your entire contribution to world literature: one lame top ten list

-Jason Rohrblogger
(3/28/10)

FACEBOOK SURVEY

2010-03-25T06:13:00.000-07:00

I got tagged over at Facebook for one of these surveys...

1. What time did you get up this morning?
The butt crack of noon

2. How do you like your steak?
Deep pink with a warm red center (and I like my steak medium rare)

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
Citizen Kane II: Chucky's Revenge

4. What is your favorite TV show?
Last Sex in the City Standing

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?
Fallujah

6. What did you have for breakfast?
Slim Fast and Rogaine

7. What is your favorite cuisine?
Lean

8. What foods do you dislike?
Anything made by elves

9. Favorite Place to Eat?
In front of the TV

10. Favorite dressing?
Gauze

11.What kind of vehicle do you drive
1909 Stutz-Bearcat Turboprop

12. What are your favorite clothes?
Pants

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance?
Kabul

14. Cup half empty or half full?
It was half full of scotch, half full of soda, but now it's empty. Can I get a refill?

15. Where would you want to retire?
To the bedroom

16. Favorite time of day?
Happy Hour

17. Where were you born?
Where the moon is in the second house and Jupiter aligns with Mars

18. What is your favorite sport to watch?
Olympic Pole Dancing

19. Who do you think will not tag you back?
Nancy Pelosi

20. Person you expect to tag you back first?
Elin Woods

21. Who are you most curious about their responses to this?
Sylvia Plath

22. Bird watcher?
Depends on who is giving me the bird

23. Are you a morning person or a night person?
I'm always a person, silly!

24. Do you have any pets?
One blonde, one brunette, one who keeps changing

25. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share?
I can change my own oil

26. What did you want to be when you were little?
Big

27. What is your best childhood memory?
Finally breaking through the line at Khe Sanh

28. Are you a cat or dog person?
Go fish

29. Are you married?
Only in Laos

30. Always wear your seat belt?
Even in the shower

31. Been in a car accident?
Never on purpose

32. Any pet peeves?
Facebook surveys

33. Favorite pizza topping?
Cardboard box

34. Favorite Flower?
Anything by Georgia O'Queef

35. Favorite ice cream?
Vanilla Ice

36. Favorite fast food restaurant?
A little of the old In-n-Out

37. How many times did you fail your driver's test?
Who says I took a driver's test?

38. From whom did you get your last email?
Nostradamus. It wasn't pretty

39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?
TJ Maxx

40. Do anything spontaneous lately?
In a crowded elevator yelled, "Who farted?"

41. Like your job?
No, you can't have it!

42. Broccoli?
Separate the stems, eat the leaves

43. What was your favorite vacation?
National Lampoon's Summer

44. Last person you went out to dinner with?
Joe Black

45. What are you listening to right now?
The sound of one hand clapping

46. What is your favorite color?
Clear

47. How many tattoos do you have?
0.5

48. How many are you tagging for this quiz?
3.14

49. What time is it?
Miller Time

50. Coffee drinker?
No. I can quit any time I want.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(3/24/10)

TOP TEN PROJECTS IN DEVELOPMENT AT FORD

2010-03-22T07:29:00.000-07:00

Top Ten Projects in Development at Ford

10. An alternative fuel that provides 150 miles per gallon in a Focus, eight miles per gallon in a Cavalier, and causes a Corolla to explode

9. Leather-n-buckle seat belts for masochists

8. A navigation system that can plot a course to the nearest shoe sale

7. Convertible bottom

6. Built-in keg dispenser

5. Remote control upholstery

4. Web-enabled windshield that supports the Firefox browser

3. Four-wheel drive motorcycle

2. Dash-mounted 95-inch plasma screen HDTV

And the number one project in development at Ford…

1. Airbags that gently fill with freshly-popped popcorn (and brake fluid that tastes like butter. "I can't believe it's not brake fluid!")

-Jason Rohrblogger
(01/12/07)

And the alternates...

Amway distributor
An air filter that also removes any bad feelings
Dashboard Buddha
A Cadalladic converter that transforms GM vehicles into Lincolns

LINK IN MY SPICY PANTS

2010-03-20T00:03:00.000-07:00

A big thank you to Spicy Pants over at Celebrity Smack for linking to my Things I Don't Get About Facebook list and blowing up my stats like an IED! Celebrity Smack is a daily visit for me as Spicy expounds on all things gossip. Check her out!

Thanks for the link love, Spicy Pants!

-Jason Rohrblogger

TOP TEN THINGS I DON'T GET ABOUT FACEBOOK

2010-03-19T05:07:00.000-07:00

Top Ten Things I Don't Get About Facebook

10. What's with the layout?

9. What's with all the updates about other people's friends and what they post?

8. Why isn't there a dislike button?

7. Why is it such a huge time suck?

6. What's with all the games?

5. What is an Honesty Box?

4. Why am I getting other people's horoscopes?

3. Why can't I see past chats?

2. Why is nothing dated?

And the number one thing I don't get about Facebook...

1. Why can't I post HTML?

-Jason Rohrblogger
(3/19/10)

TOP TEN REASONS TO FEAR THE REAPER

2010-03-16T18:22:00.000-07:00

Top Ten Reasons to Fear The Reaper

10. Not really trained to use scythe

9. Halitosis

8. Is congressman who likes little boys

7. Also works for IRS

6. Will leave bone-impressions on your furniture

5. Smells like ass

4. Talks on cell phone while eradically driving death chariot

3. Can also make you live longer, too

2. Is bi-polar and off his meds

And the number one reason to fear The Reaper...

1. Has mob ties

-Jason Rohrblogger
(01/15/07)

And the alternates...

Is Republican
Does not slow for children in crosswalk
Does not observe Sabbath
Hunts like Dick Cheney, drives like Ted Kennedy
Is drunk
Is also health inspectre
Thinks Sinbad is funny

COME FOR THE FUNNY, STAY FOR THE CRAZY

2010-03-15T18:58:00.000-07:00

An open letter to Rose DeWitt Bukater:

Oh, Kate Winslet. Sorry to hear you and Sam Mendes split. Now that you are single, I will be available to comfort you during our intense rebound fling. It has probably been seven years since you've had some crazy-hot passion in your life. I'm here to quench the drought. I'll take you back to my trailer park in my Ford Bronco (an American classic!). I'll put on some Marvin Gaye, crack a sixer of Pabst, and remind you how good it feels to be an Oscar-winner. In the morning it's off to Denny's for a decadent Grand Slam. I want you to drown my bacon in your syrup. I've seen all of your movies (Hideous Kinky, anyone?). I know you like middle-aged bearded men. So let's not pretend you haven't been itching to leave Mendes for a little mending. I'll wipe that smile off your face and put it where you need it most. See you in the morning.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(3/15/10)

TOP TEN REJECTED SLOGANS FOR WHISKEY

2010-03-13T21:34:00.000-08:00

Top Ten Rejected Slogans for Whiskey

10. Goes down easy, comes up smooth

9. Just screw it!

8. The thicker chicker liquor upper

7. God's gift to alcoholics

6. Good to the last drinker dropped

5. Breakfast of champions

4. A dram is a terrible thing to waste

3. Between love and madness lies scotch

2. Obey your thirst

And the number one rejected slogan for whiskey...

1. The nighttime smokey, boozy, drinking, shooty, faded, so-you-can-get-wasted medicine

-Jason Rohrblogger
(3/13/10)

And the alternates...

Melts in your mind, not in your liver
I'm lovin' it
-
You got alcohol in my peat moss!
You got peat moss in my alcohol!
Two great tastes that taste great together.
-
Like a good neighbor, whiskey is there
M'm! M'm! Good!
Don't leave home without it
When it absolutely, positively has to sleep there overnight
Only you can prevent sobriety
Reach out and punch someone
Tastes great, less willing
America's most trusted liquor
The ultimate drunk driving machine
Maybe she's born with it, maybe it's whiskey
What can brown do for you?

JASON'S TOP TEN FAVE LINES FROM "FAT JACK'S ERRATIC RANTS"

2010-03-09T01:27:00.000-08:00

Jack over at Fat Jack's Erratic Rants writes, "Jason. When are you going to feature your number one Internet fan and promoter in one of those handy-dandy top ten lists?"

Uh, be careful what you wish for, Jack.

Jason's Top Ten Fave Lines from Fat Jack's Erratic Rants

10. "THE HANGOVER, in my opinion, is a true date movie, but then again I am a bit strange."

9. "Not to neglect our artsy fartsy side, we also watched INSIDE DEEP THROAT...."

8. "I'd rather not see cuts to my salary at all."

7. "What pedagogy are the teachers using to educate the students?"

6. "[I]t's like sitting through a romantic comedy where everyone is dressed in Mardi Gras costumes. The enjoyment of which just proves that people don't have very good taste."

5. "Is it wrong to find that most of the events I enjoy involve the possibility of bodily harm?"

4. "It was juicy with gore-a-plenty...."

3. "We need more death in the TV show, Heroes."

2. "In order to properly govern ourselves, we need deep questions and further exploration."

And Jason's number one fave line from Fat Jack's Erratic Rants...

1. "How cool would that be to run around in the dead of night blowing poisoned darts in the necks of the nefarious, lodging ninjas stars in their craniums, cutting enemies in half, and scaling walls with climbing spikes? And the disappearing smoke bombs. Sweet Judas Iscariot those puffs of smoke are some kind of bad ass."

-Jason Rohrblogger
(3/9/10)

And the alternates...

"What is the deal with those little brooms?"

"I thought about Imo's all meat pizza all the way home and even tried to convince the wife that it would make life better."

"I do have to admit that if the pizza were in the house I would tear into it like a down-low Baptist minister on a cracked-out gay hooker."

"I'd ask you to guess how far away my chest of drawers is, but it wouldn't make me look good."

"I have nothing pithy, clever or even offensive to say. I'm just blathering on for no good reason. Are you still reading?"

"[D]on't be expecting any romantic love songs from this writer."

"[T]hey have lost their ever-loving mind if they expect this fat feller to burn 400-500 calories a day."

"I'll meet the sweet baby Jesus sooner rather than later if I try to meet that goal."

"I'm sure the fat doctor would be pleased."

"Don't get me started on the fact that a romantic comedy won best screen play."

TOP TEN AWARDS SHOW THANK-YOU SPEECHES I'D LIKE TO SEE

2010-03-06T15:10:00.000-08:00

Top Ten Awards Show Thank-you Speeches I'd Like to See

10. "Thank you New Beginnings Tucson for getting me cleaned up enough to be here tonight. You truly win 'Best Detox!'"

9. "Thanks to all the fan boys who sent my nude scene viral. That really is where my best talents lie."

8. "...to my ex-wife's attorney: this statue us worth $87.50 max, I've already checked."

7. "I'd like to thank my dealer. There is no way my post-natal ass would have been camera-ready otherwise..."

6. "And a big thank-you to the director for believing I could give the best handjob on the casting couch."

5. "I especially appreciate by fellow nominees for not being talented enough to compete with my performance this year."

4. "Finally: justification for the three years of jazz and five years of tap my mother made me take."

3. "This recognition is really for the special effects, lighting crew, and director who turned me from an unwatchable hack into a believable, sympathetic character for ninety minutes."

2. "...this is totally sweet! Kegger at Joey's mom's house after the show. Wes is bringing Jäger!"

And the number one awards show thank-you speech I'd like to see...

1. "Even though I am feuding with every last toxic person on the cast and crew, and will go out of my way never to speak with any one of you again...this award is for you!"

-Jason Rohrblogger
(3/6/10)

TOP TEN FOOD RELATED BAND NAMES

2010-03-03T09:29:00.000-08:00

Top Ten Food Related Band Names

10. Cream

9. Bread

8. Cake

7. The Cranberries

6. Meatloaf

5. Bananarama

4. Humble Pie

3. Smashing Pumpkins

2. KoRn

And the number one food related band name...

1. Sexual Chocolate

-Jason Rohrblogger
(3/3/10)

And the alternates...

Vanilla Ice
Buckcherry
Meat Puppets
Pearl Jam
Hot Chocolate
Peaches and Herb
Chickenfoot
Eve's Plum
Veruca Salt
Fiona Apple
Blind Melon
Strawberry Alarm Clock
Moby Grabe
Blue Oyster Cult
Sugar Hill Gang

TOP TEN COUNTRY SONGS FOR CYBERSPACE

2010-02-28T18:01:00.000-08:00

Top Ten Country Songs for Cyberspace

10. It's Over Cuz I Caught Him Swapping GIFS with My Best Friend

9. You Done Ripped Out My NT-1 and Stomped that Sucker Flat

8. She's the Shemale of My Email and the Breaker of My Heart

7. You FTP-ed Up Our Love so I Crawled into a Bottle

6. Let's Get Drunk and Raise a Little HTML

5. I've Got Hot Java for You but No Hits on My Heart

4. I've Deleted Your Bookmark from the Hotlist of My Heart

3. I Designed Your Homepage, She Changed My Life

2. I Tried Your Site Tonight, but You Weren't There

And the number one country song for cyberspace

1. When I Met You in that Chat Room, You Swore You Was a Girl

-Jason Rohrblogger
(2/28/10)

And the alternate...

I Google Your Yahoo and You Excite MySpace

TOP TEN ANNOYING COUPLE TYPES

2010-02-25T10:30:00.000-08:00

Today's list was stolen wholesale from Lemon Drop.

Top Ten Annoying Couple Types

10. The Newly Engaged - No one has ever been as happy as they are! And don't worry, their wedding is SO not going to be like all those other weddings. It's going to be special...and the only one that either of them will ever have, for sure

9. The Karaoke Couple - Same bar, same songs, same night, every week. These two should take their act on the road...to hell

8. The Fight Club - There is nothing that won't start an argument between them. They would break up or get divorced if only they knew how to live without the pleasure of hating each other every day

7. The Love Birds - They think they invented love and they want to share it with anyone within eye-shot. Gross. Get a room. No one needs to see that. They become number ten

6. The Newly Married Who Think They've Really Got Marriage Figured Out; and oh boy, have they got relationship advice for you - thoughtful, charming, deeply self-satisfied advice that absolutely will not make you want to projectile vomit into their sincere faces

5. The Tourist Couple - Do not lock eyes with them. They will ask you where they are, where they're going, how to get there and why it has to be so complicated. Then they will ask you to take their picture

4. The Couple Making Out at the Bar - You could tell them to get a room but it would not do you any good. Whatever room they are currently in is the room

3. The Parents of Each Other - She calls him "Daddy" and he calls her "Momma" and nobody wants to be caught in that parent trap

2. The Twins - Studies suggest that the longer couples are together, the more they begin to look alike. But when you start to look less like a woman and more like your husband's teenage son, it's time for an affair

And the number one annoying couple type...

1. The Strobe Lights - They love each other, they love each other not. They love each other, they love each other not. This relationship does not need counseling, it needs a clapper

-Jason Rohrblogger
(2/25/10)

And the alternates...

The Power Couple - Power jobs, power looks, power money. These couples would be more annoying were it not for the spectacularly humiliating power break-ups that inevitably follow

The Bar Flys Who Like to Think They Are a Power Couple - Is that a successful relationship you smell? No, it's Axe Body Spray and Newports

The Couple Who Does Not Know They Are About to Get Divorced Because He's Gay and She's Addicted to Painkillers - They will find out soon enough, but until then the tension between them will strip the paint off the walls wherever they go. Best to put on a gas mask if you see them coming

TOP TEN SURPRISES IN ANDREW YOUNG'S BOOK ABOUT JOHN EDWARDS

2010-02-22T21:11:00.000-08:00

Top Ten Surprises in Andrew Young's book about John Edwards

10. John once hiked the Appalachian Trail with Mark Sanford

9. Elizabeth's hard drinking and honkey-tonk chemo-fueled 2am madness drove John into the arms of another

8. Rielle Hunter has a secret family with Eliot Spitzer

7. For once the National Enquirer did not make up a story out of whole cloth

6. According to the Weekly World News, Edwards is the father of Bat Boy

5. Elizabeth has inoperable stage-4 cancer, John has inoperable stage-4 narcissism

4. Turns out John Edwards is kind of a douchebag. Hard to believe for a trial lawyer

3. Fabio still can't believe it's not butter

2. Rielle Hunter's birth name is Barracuda Stealyourman

And the number one surprise in Andrew Young's book about John Edwards...

1. The personal video tape depicts John Edwards admitting he is for lower taxes, smaller government, and supply-side economics

-Jason Rohrblogger
(2/22/10)

U.S. OLYMPIC JACK TEAM

2010-02-21T11:57:00.000-08:00

Gold medal shout out to Jack over at Fat Jack's Erratic Rants for covering my Top Ten Winter Sports I'd Like to See list and posting a link!

This year I'm going to come-from-behind to thank you. Wait, that doesn't sound right.

You can carry my torch anytime, Jack. Wait, that doesn't sound right, either.

Thanks for the blog love,

-Rohrblogger

TOP TEN WINTER SPORTS I'D LIKE TO SEE

2010-02-19T05:15:00.000-08:00

Top Ten Winter Sports I'd Like to See

10. Ice Pole Dancing

9. Cold Beer Pong

8. Shaming

7. Synchronized Skiing

6. Curling Cheese Fries

5. Snow Chess

4. Tundra Tennis

3. Avalanche Surfing

2. Glacier Polo

And the number one winter sport I'd like to see...

1. Female Lingerie Hockey

-Jason Rohrblogger
(2/19/10)

TOP TEN SURPRISES IN THE SARAH PALIN MAGAZINE

2010-02-16T18:59:00.000-08:00

Top Ten Surprises in the Sarah Palin Magazine

10. Her recipe for stuffed salmon calls for 15bbl of crude oil

9. Wishes James Garner would be cast to play her in the made-for-Lifetime movie, "Maverick Mom from Mooseville"

8. Almost challenged Tina Fey to a bareknuckled boxing match

7. Centerfold is Levi Johnston

6. In a drunken stupor, once accidentally voted for Bill Clinton

5. Editorial claims Michelle Obama is Kenyan

4. Chastises Ben Stiller for going "full retard"

3. Saved her marriage to Todd by talking dirty in Yup'ik

2. Text is nothing but a bunch of top ten lists and recycled Tiger Woods jokes

And the number one surprise in the Sarah Palin Magazine...

1. No longer lives in "real America"

-Jason Rohrblogger
(2/13/10)

TOP TEN VALENTINE'S GIFTS TIGER WOODS IS GETTING ELIN NORDEGREN

2010-02-13T20:51:00.000-08:00

Top Ten Valentine's Gifts Tiger Woods is Getting Elin Nordegren

10. One billion Swedish Krona

9. Two hours in the conjugal visit trailer at rehab

8. A puppy with the words "I love you" shaved into its fur

7. An "I'm sorry, Elin" back tattoo from shoulder blade to shoulder blade

6. Two Master's trophies and a green jacket

5. Ticket to ride

4. A dozen roses, "The Notebook" on DVD, and box of Whitman Samplers

3. A Tiger Woods' Mistress Calendar with the names crossed out and "Elin" written in

2. Herpes

And the number one Valentine's gift Tiger Woods is getting Elin Nordegren...

1. A Get Out Of Marriage Free card

-Jason Rohrblogger
(2/13/10)

TOP TEN WAYS I AM EXACTLY LIKE MY FATHER

2010-02-02T05:44:00.000-08:00

Top Ten Ways I am Exactly Like My Father

10. I sit at home alone a drink scotch

9. I have a scraggly grey beard

8. I feud with friends and family over perceived slights

7. I drive a Japanese sedan

6. I can't foster or maintain intimate relationships

5. I have the ability to piss off people in authority without really trying

4. My primary form of communication is e-mail

3. I possess a wicked sense of humor

2. I have no idea where the social boundaries are

And the number one way I am exactly like my father...

1. I'm not really listening to you

-Jason Rohrblogger
(2/2/10)

TOP TEN SELF-DESCRIPTIVE PHRASES

2010-01-30T08:54:00.000-08:00

Top Ten Self-descriptive Phrases

10. Incompl te

9. WeIrD cAsE

8. ©λ@ℜα⊄Ψ∃Γ $µß§+|⊥∪∏¡ðℵ

7. esrever

6. I am disappointment in grammar

5. ,comma,

4. Con'traction

3. I'd like to double her entendre!

2. ~~censorship~~

And the number one self-descriptive phrase...

1. Cnofnusig

-Jason Rohrblogger
(1/30/10)

And the alternates...

An am rag
Quit while you're ahea

TOP TEN REJECTED FOLGERS CRYSTALS FLAVORS

2010-01-27T05:14:00.000-08:00

Top Ten Rejected Folgers Crystals Flavors

10. Folgers Crystal Meth

9. Ray Bolger's Crystals

8. Folgers Crystal Light

7. Mulder's Crystals

6. Folgers Dark Crystal

5. Folgers Crys-kross'll Make You Jump Jump

4. Hazelnut Sack

3. Irish Roast (Beechwood-aged, 80 proof)

2. Screamin' Sour Cream and Onion X-treme

And the number one rejected Folgers Crystals flavor...

1. Folgers Instant Karma

-Jason Rohrblogger
(1/27/10)

TOP TEN CURRENT CONAN O'BRIEN JOB OFFERS

2010-01-24T20:06:00.000-08:00

Top Ten Current Conan O'Brien Job Offers

10. Simpsons writer

9. Barbarian

8. Junior senator from Massachusetts

7. Ginger Spice backup singer

6. Assistant fluffer

5. Fox News analyst for the late night wars

4. Host of his own counter at McDonald's

3. Weatherman for "Good Morning! Terre Haute!"

2. Letterman extortionist

And the number one current Conan O'Brien job offer...

1. Cereal spokesman (Coco is cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs)

-Jason Rohrblogger
(1/24/10)

TOP TEN PAT ROBERTSON QUOTES

2010-01-20T07:47:00.000-08:00

I originally ran this post back in October of 2008.

It gets repeated today along with Messr. Robertson's most recent bon mot regarding Haiti:

"They were under the heel of the French. You know, Napoleon III, or whatever. And they got together and swore a pact to the devil. They said, we will serve you if you'll get us free from the French. True story. And so, the devil said, okay it's a deal."

A coupla thangs: 1) How can Pat Robertson hear what the devil says? And why was he present at Haiti's negotiations with Old Sparky? 2) I usually have to pay extra to be under the heel of the French. 3) Los Angeles has been serving the devil WAY better than Haiti! Where is our earth-shattering kaboom? 4) That Pat Robertson sure is kooky! To wit:

Top Ten Pat Robertson Quotes

10. "Over 100 years, I think the gradual erosion of the consensus that's held our country together is probably more serious than a few bearded terrorists who fly into buildings."
–On the dangers of judicial activism

9. "Lord, give us righteous judges who will not try to legislate and dominate this society. Take control, Lord! We ask for additional vacancies on the court."

8. "Just like what Nazi Germany did to the Jews, so liberal America is now doing to the evangelical Christians. It's no different. It is the same thing. It is happening all over again. It is the Democratic Congress, the liberal-based media and the homosexuals who want to destroy the Christians. Wholesale abuse and discrimination and the worst bigotry directed toward any group in America today. More terrible than anything suffered by any minority in history."

7. "I would warn Orlando that you're right in the way of some serious hurricanes, and I don't think I'd be waving those flags in God's face if I were you. This is not a message of hate. This is a message of redemption. But a condition like this will bring about the destruction of your nation. It'll bring about terrorist bombs; it'll bring earthquakes, tornadoes, and possibly a meteor."
–On "gay days" at Disneyworld

6. "The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians."

5. "I know this is painful for the ladies to hear, but if you get married, you have accepted the headship of a man, your husband. Christ is the head of the household and the husband is the head of the wife, and that's the way it is, period."

4. "I'd like to say to the good citizens of Dover: If there is a disaster in your area, don't turn to God, you just rejected him from your city. And don't wonder why he hasn't helped you when problems begin, if they begin. I'm not saying they will, but if they do, just remember, you just voted God out of your city. And if that's the case, don't ask for His help because He might not be there."
-After the city of Dover, Pennsylvania voted to boot the current school board, which instituted an intelligent design policy that led to a federal trial

3. "God considers this land to be His. You read the Bible and He says 'This is my land,' and for any prime minister of Israel who decides he is going to carve it up and give it away, God says, 'No, this is mine.' He was dividing God's land. And I would say, 'Woe unto any prime minister of Israel who takes a similar course to appease the E.U., the United Nations, or the United States of America.' God says, 'This land belongs to me. You better leave it alone.'"
-On why Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon suffered a massive stroke

2. "Maybe we need a very small nuke thrown off on Foggy Bottom to shake things up" –On nuking the State Department

And the number one Pat Robertson quote...

1. "You know, I don't know about this doctrine of assassination, but if he thinks we're trying to assassinate him, I think that we really ought to go ahead and do it. It's a whole lot cheaper than starting a war. We have the ability to take him out, and I think the time has come that we exercise that ability. We don't need another $200 billion war to get rid of one, you know, strong-arm dictator. It's a whole lot easier to have some of the covert operatives do the job and then get it over with."
-Calling for the assassination of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez

-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/9/08)

And the alternates...

"Wait a minute, I didn't say 'assassination.' I said our special forces should 'take him out,' and 'take him out' can be a number of things, including kidnapping."
–Clarifying his call to assassinate Hugo Chavez

"Is it right to call for assassination? No, and I apologize for that statement. I spoke in frustration that we should accommodate the man who thinks the U.S. is out to kill him."

"That was never in the Constitution, however much the liberals laugh at me for saying it, they know good and well it was never in the Constitution! Such language only appeared in the constitution of the Communist Soviet Union."
-On the constitutional separation of church and state

"Well, I totally concur." –to Jerry Falwell following the Sept. 11 attacks, after Falwell said, "I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way - all of them who have tried to secularize America - I point the finger in their face and say: "You helped this happen."

TOP TEN BABY ERICKSON NAMES

2010-01-17T20:18:00.000-08:00

I have some friends with the last name Erickson who are having a baby girl. Herewith are my...

Top Ten Baby Erickson Names

10. Erica Ekaterina Erickson

9. Patience Temperance Faith Chastity Erickson

8. Erickson of Sam

7. W. Axl Erickson

6. Bambi St. Clair-ickson

5. Samantha Beware-ickson

4. Micheala Roxanne Christine Lauren Isabella Fincham Erickson

3. Tupelo Memphis Graceland Erickson

2. Lady Xtina Ga Ga Winehouse Tiny Dancer Erickson

And the number one baby Erickson name...

1. Jennifer Jason Leif Erickson

-Jason Rohrblogger
(1/17/10)

And the alternates...

Rumer Scout
Cherickson

REVIEW

2010-01-14T08:02:00.000-08:00

Check out my review of "The Pee-wee Herman Show" at Club Nokia @ La Live over at Celebrity Smack.

I liked it so much, I want to marry it!

-Jason Rohrblogger
(1/14/10)

TOP TEN REJECTED CELEBRITY LIQUOR ENDORSEMENTS

2010-01-11T06:47:00.000-08:00

Top Ten Rejected Celebrity Liquor Endorsements

10. Chuck Jägermeister

9. Charlie Jack Daniels

8. José Charro

7. Soleil Moonshine

6. Dennis Miller Lite

5. Maker's Marky Mark

4. Jennifer Grey Goose

3. Asti Spumante Python

2. Harvey Ketel One

And the number one rejected celebrity liquor endorsement...

1. St. Pauli Shore

-Jason Rohrblogger
(1/11/10)

And the alternates...

Everclear Danes
Hennssey Thomas Howell
Bacardi Snyder
Glenfiddich Nixon
DeKuyper Sutherland
Drambuie George
Bobcat Goldschläger
Yukon Jack Nicholson
Oscar Wild Turkey
Christian Bailey's
Absolut Olson
Jack Black Velvet
Manute Bols
George W. Bushmills
Slim Jim Beam
Captain Morgan Freeman
Alec Guinness
Son of Sambuca
Ione Skyy
Tanqueray Romano
Yo Yo Zima
Jamie Far Niente
Sherry Shepherd
Ulysses S. Grand Marnier
Seagram Nash
Yakov Smirnoff

TOP TEN CARS WITH PLACE NAMES IN THE ORDER OF WHERE I WOULD NOT LIKE TO LIVE

2010-01-08T05:26:00.000-08:00

Top Ten Cars with Place Names in the Order of Where I Would NOT Like to Live

10. Hyundai Santa Fe

9. GMC Sierra

8. Dodge Daytona

7. Nissan Frontier

6. GMC Savana

5. Nissan Pulsar

4. Toyota Avalon

3. GMC Yukon

2. Saturn

And the number one car with a place where I would not like to live...

1. Toyota Tundra

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/30/09)

And the alternates...

Mercury
Volkswagen Westphalia
Chevrolet Silverado
Toyota Tacoma
Chevrolet Corsica
Hyundai Tucson
Chevrolet Colorado
Ford Galaxie

TOP TEN CARS WITH PLACE NAMES IN THE ORDER OF WHERE I WOULD LIKE TO LIVE

2010-01-05T01:39:00.000-08:00

Top Ten Cars with Place Names in the Order of Where I Would Like to Live

10. Kia Sedona

9. Lincoln Versailles

8. Mercury Monterey

7. GMC Sonoma

6. Dodge Aspen

5. Buick Riviera

4. Chevy Tahoe

3. Buick Park Avenue

2. Chrysler Newport

And the number one car with a place where I would like to live...

1. Chevy Malibu

-Jason Rohrblogger
(1/5/10)

And the alternates...

Cadillac Seville
Dodge Monaco
Mercury Milan
Chevrolet Monte Carlo
Mercury Montego
Cadillac Le Mans
Mercury Capri
Cadillac Calais

TOP TEN BANNED PHRASES 2010

2010-01-02T14:11:00.000-08:00

Top Ten Banned Phrases 2010

The following is hereby banished from the English language...

10. Viral

9. Subprime

8. Post 9/11

7. In these economic times

6. Tweet

5. Sexting

4. Unfriend

3. Toxic Assets

2. Chillaxin'

And the number one banned phrase 2010...

1. Teachable Moment

-Jason Rohrblogger
(1/2/10)

And the alternates...

Bromance
App
Reality TV
Too Big to Fail

TOP TEN LESSONS I LEARNED IN 2009

2009-12-30T06:23:00.000-08:00

Today's premise was stolen from Brandy over at It's like, I'm...mmmagic!

Top Ten Lessons I Learned in 2009

10. Gum will not remove the taste of gasoline

9. A breathalyzer is the second worse thing that can be put in your mouth

8. Flowers will only shut a girl up if the argument is already over

7. Never give a kid a whistle and tell him not to blow it

6. Hypnosis is voluntary

5. I can make my boss cry. At work.

4. The idea of riding a Harley-Davidson is way better than the reality

3. Leather pants are a privilege, not a right

2. Folgers Crystals and tequila don't mix

And the number one lesson I learned in 2009...

1. Never, ever take a laxative and a sleeping pill on the same night

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/30/09)

I PREDICT THANKS FOR JACK

2009-12-29T12:14:00.000-08:00

Future shout out to Jack over at Fat Jack's Erratic Rants for writing up my Top Ten Predictions for 2010 list and posting a link!

Jack likes the political humor, so I predict a year of federal and state-level hijinks for Jack's giggling pleasure. Palin/Johnston 2012!

-Rohrblogger

JASON ROHBLOGGER'S TOP TEN PREDICTIONS FOR 2010

2009-12-27T08:27:00.000-08:00

Jason Rohrblogger's Top Ten Predictions for 2010

10. Jim Bob Duggar will finally figure out how to use a condom

9. OJ Simpson will successfully break out of jail, and before being apprehended, will manage to star in another Hertz commercial

8. Jesse Jackson's love child will ghostwrite John Edwards' love child's tell-all memoir

7. Lindsey Lohan will once again become America's sweetheart with her youthful charm and childlike innocence

6. One lost weekend in Vegas, Larry King will divorce and remarry again

5. Liz Taylor will retire

4. Elin Woods will start dating Annika Sörenstam

3. Michael Jackson will be spotted alive, with his ex-father-in-law Elvis, in a Tallahassee Stuckey's

2. Sarah Palin will become the first victim of Barack Obama's first death panel

And Jason Rohrblogger's number one prediction for 2010...

1. I will finally have to stoop to writing recycled, hackneyed, pop-culture references

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/27/09)

And the alternates...

Ann Coulter will finally find Mr. Far Right

David Letterman will enter rehab for his addiction to disco biscuits

Dick Cheney will preemptively invade a 4:30 buffet

Octomom, Balloon Boy, Jon and Kate, and Spencer Pratt will entertain us with their endless talent and original material

Jesus will return

George W. Bush-era nostalgia will reign as folks remember the Good Times when you used to could mortgage your house to put gas in your Hummer. Now we are all just living in our cars.

Osama bin Laden will turn up living in a San Francisco free-love commune

TOP TEN WAYS SANTA CLAUS IS CUTTING BACK IN THIS ECONOMY

2009-12-24T05:16:00.000-08:00

Top Ten Ways Santa Claus is Cutting Back in this Economy

10. Purina Reindeer Chow 10% sawdustier

9. Naughty List digitized and posted on Facebook

8. Belly now shakes like a bowlful of ramen

7. Blitzen given up to Madonna for adoption

6. Valuable lump of coal replaced with Enron stock certificate

5. Reindeer/electric hybrid sleigh

4. Off-season condo in Florida timeshared with Hanukkah Harry, Ramadan Rashid, and Kwanzaa Kenny

3. All requests for specific toys outsourced to a call center in India

2. Workshop in northclosure

And the number one way Santa Claus is cutting back in this economy...

1. Only sending 30,000 more troops to Elfghanistan

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/1/09)

And the alternates...

Mrs. Claus trying to extort money from David Letterman
Had to sell his membership in The Hair Club for Men
Half of the deliveries subcontracted out to Balloon Boy
Forced to become Spokesanta for Jenny Craig
Only wrapping every other gift
Completely skipping Billy Roger's house of Colton, Ohio
Octomom only left with seven gifts

TOP TEN WORST CHRISTMAS ALBUM COVERS OF ALL TIME

2009-12-21T07:08:00.000-08:00

Top Ten Worst Christmas Album Covers of All Time

10.

And the number one worst Christmas album cover of all time...

1.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/21/09)

And the alternates...

TOP TEN REJECTED BEERS

2009-12-18T07:18:00.000-08:00

Top Ten Rejected Beers

10. Hugh Hefeweizen

9. Dr. Bock

8. Fail Ale

7. Birth Control Pilsner

6. Malt Disney

5. Captain's Lager

4. Coal Porter

3. Sour Kraut Stout

2. Margaret Mead

And the number one rejected beer...

1. Beers for Fears

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/18/09)

And the alternates...

Barley-Davidson
Yeast Injection
David Hasselhops

TOP TEN TASTELESS TIGER WOODS JOKES

2009-12-15T05:18:00.000-08:00

Top Ten Tasteless Tiger Woods Jokes

10. Q: What is Tiger's favorite Christmas Carol?
A: I'm Dreaming of a White Mistress

9. Tiger may be a playboy, but his wife was out clubbing on Thanksgiving

8. Why did Tiger decide to redo Elin's prenuptial agreement? She told him about her new recipe for Swedish meatballs.

8. Did you hear Tiger changed his name to Lion Cheetah?

7. The police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him. "I can't remember," Elin said, "just put me down for a five."

6. What's the difference between a Cadillac and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a golf ball four-hundred yards.

5. What does Tiger Woods have in common with a baby seal? They've both been clubbed by a Swede.

4. Tiger has a new movie coming out. It's called "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant."

3. Did you hear Nike's new motto? Just do me.

2. Tiger's other women aren't mistresses. They're provisionals.

And the number one tasteless Tiger Woods joke...

1. Tiger Woods won't be playing any more tournaments this year. However, I'm sure he will get in some holes here and there.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/14/09)

And the alternates...

What's the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods? Santa always stops after three hos

Tiger drives an Escalade, so couldn't he blame the accident on his Caddy?

Elin asked her marriage counselor why, next time, she should go after Tiger with a nine-iron instead of the three-iron she used the morning after Thanksgiving?
The counselor advised, "Because, now you're closer to the green.

Tiger crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron. Should have used a driver, though.

Gatorade dropped their Tiger Woods sports drink. Because it would be rude to ask, "Is it in you?"

What's the difference between Tiger's pal Rachel Uchitel and Mr. Ed?
Mr. Ed's hair was naturally blond, and he could talk.

Tiger woods drives very well on the fairway but doesn't fare very well on the driveway.

Q: What course gives Tiger the most trouble?
A: Intercourse.

Q. What kind of club did Elin swing at Tiger?
A. Looks like it was a bitching wedge.

Someone should explain to Tiger's wife that hitting a driver meant the club, not the guy in the front seat. Imagine what will happen the next time he asks his wife to do some ironing.

When asked when he would be doing Oprah, Tiger stated, "She's not my type."

Tiger can't seem to control his wood.

Tiger Woods has decided to take a break from golf, to concentrate on his first love: adultery.

TOP TEN TINKERBELL PET PEEVES

2009-12-12T23:41:00.001-08:00

Top Ten Tinkerbell Pet Peeves

10. That bitch, Wendy

9. Captain Hook has a thing for young boys and never notices when you get a new haircut

8. Heiresses who name their Chihuahuas after you

7. Disney lawyers crawl all over you if you even think of doing regional theater in the off-season

6. No decent Thai food in Never Never Land

5. Lost Boys with slingshots

4. Carpal wand

3. Smee's wandering hands

2. Mosquito nets

And the number one Tinkerbell pet peeve...

1. Pixie lung from breathing all of that pixie dust

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/12/09)

ADULT MOVIE OR PRINCE SONG?

2009-12-09T10:49:00.000-08:00

Adult Movie or Prince Song?

10. "Dirty Mind"

9. "Cream"

8. "Do Me Baby"

7. "Gett Off"

6. "Soft and Wet"

5. "Head"

4. "I Wanna Be Your Lover"

3. "Nasty Girl"

2. "Insatiable"

And the number one adult movie or Prince song...

1. "The Greatest Romance Ever Sold"

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/9/09)

And the alternates...

"Orgasm"
"Sexy M.F."
"I'm Yours"
"Nothing Compares 2 U"
"My Love Is Forever"
"The Most Beautiful Girl In The World"
"I'm Yours"
"In Love"
"Kiss"
"Adore"

*They are all Prince songs...

PROUST QUESTIONNAIRE

2009-12-05T12:08:00.000-08:00

I originally got this post from Dave over at Blogography who got it from Finn over at A Life Less Ordinary who got it from Vanity Fair. I am going to answer the original Vanity Fair questions because I'm so vain, I probably think this fair is about me...

Proust Questionnaire

What is your most marked characteristic?
My dragon tattoo with the head of Roger Ebert and the body of J-Lo

What is the quality you most like in a man?
The body of J-Lo

What is the quality you most like in a woman?
The head of Roger Ebert

What do you most value in your friends?
Lending money

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Sometimes my sexiness is so extreme, it causes the earth to spin backwards

What is your favorite occupation?
Assistant Ponzi schemer

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
A loaf of bread, a jug of wine, and internet access

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Abu Grhantánamo Bay

In which country would you like to live?
Nigeria. All of their banks need my help.

Who are your favorite writers?
Jenn, Heather, Jack, Bombshell, Carrie, and David

Who are your favorite poets?
Lim Erick. And that guy from Nantucket is talented!

Who is your favorite hero of fiction?
Jay Gatz

Who is your favorite heroine of fiction?
Debbie from Dallas

Who are your favorite composers?
Hendrix, Zeppelin, Crüe

Who are your favorite painters?
Baer, Safecoat, Sherwin-Williams

What are your favorite names?
Jason, Astrid, Aloysius, Rumer, Apple, Spandau

What is it that you most dislike?
Honesty, competence, beauty

Which talent would you most like to have?
Ability to lick my own eyebrows

How would you like to die?
In an alcoholic stupor smothered under Jennifer Aniston's poodle and a thirty-pound bacon double cheeseburger (extra pickles)

What is your current state of mind?
Fuzzy. What's your point?

What is your motto?
No army has ever won a war on two fronts in Asia, so don't even try

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/5/09)

JASON MAKES MCSWEENEY'S AGAIN!

2009-11-30T19:19:00.000-08:00

Jason Gets Republished in McSweeney's!

I submitted my Top Ten Topics of Conversation at My Cousin's House on Any Given Holiday list to McSweeney's and they originally published it back in March of 2007.

They just published it again as part of their Cornucopia of Thanksgiving Lists!

All hail McSweeney's and their awesome double publishing of my dysfunctional humor!

-Rohrblogger
(11/30/09)

TOP TEN THINGS FOR WHICH I AM THANKFUL

2009-11-24T18:59:00.000-08:00

Top Ten Things for Which I am Thankful

10. Exculpatory evidence

9. Quicklime

8. Teh internets

7. Bulletproof underwear

6. The firms of Beam, Daniels, and Cuervo

5. Turkey (the animal, the lunch meat, and the country)

4. Freedom

3. The amazingly good-looking readers of my blog

2. Folger's Crystals

And the number one thing for which I am thankful...

1. Boobs

-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/24/09)

*One of the spell check suggestions for Cuervo is "fervor." Say "fervor for Cuervo" three times fast...

FOUND PORN

2009-11-21T17:30:00.000-08:00

The Twirl This post over at Awful Library Books is full-on X-rated without even trying to be. I'm just saying author Constance Atwater knows what she's doing.

"A backward wrist motion rolls the shaft between the thumb and the first finger. Tip points to the right, ball to the left.... The shaft is released from the thumb and first finger."

I'm talking about baton twirling. I don't know what you were thinking...

-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/21/09)

TOP TEN CONTRACT RIDERS FOR JRTT

2009-11-18T05:33:00.000-08:00

Top Ten Contract Riders for Jason Rohrblogger's Top Ten

10. A copy of the Mona Lisa must be visible at all times from the window of my dressing room or Jason Rohrblogger will not perform

9. All concert personnel must be vaccinated for rabies, distemper, and heartworm

8. Mr. Rohrblogger is to be picked up at the airport in a 1915 Stutz Bearcat and driven to the nearest Taco Bell

7. Dressing room to be stocked with condoms (extra large), popcorn butter, Zovirax, and Depens

6. One centaur, male

5. A library stocked with Judy Blume novels

4. A personal trainer be available on demand for Mr. Rohrblogger's shellfish

3. Identical twin Swedish blackjack dealers fluent in Mandarin and Portuguese

2. No one is to reference Folger's Crystals or acknowledge its existence in the presence of Mr. Rohrblogger

And the number one contract rider for Jason Rohrblogger's Top Ten...

1. Don't get Mr. Rohrblogger happy. You wouldn't like him when he's happy

-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/18/09)

And the alternates...

Massage-trained goats
Two kegs light beer with red cups
One monkey-themed banana bong
One carton Kool Extra-Heavy
DVD box set of The Brady Bunch
Loaded baked potato-flavored Pop Tarts

ROCKING MY WORLD(S)

2009-11-15T09:04:00.000-08:00

This video came out last week and I cannot get enough of it. Every time I watch it, there is another layered inside joke I missed before. Amazing work, BentTV!

ALL NEW! Star Wars Gangsta Rap: Chronicles

Atom.com: Funny Videos | Atom Originals | Star Wars Gangsta Rap

-Rohrblogger

CNN AND THE TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE, NO GOOD, VERY BAD ANCHOR

2009-11-13T07:07:00.000-08:00

Lou Dobbs quit CNN! I'm all for free speech. And when your speech is against an entire class of people (i.e. immigrants) then that free speech belongs in only two places: talk radio, and/or the internet with the rest of the crazies.

CNN is for news and editorial opinion that involves policies not people. Love the immigrant, hate the poverty. Love the terrorist, hate the terror. Love the anchor, hate the show.

That's why I'm glad to see it go...

-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/12/09)

TOP TEN NEW GOLF TERMS

2009-11-10T19:30:00.000-08:00

Today's post was stolen from here and here and here.

Top Ten New Golf Terms

10. A "Rock Hudson" - a putt that looked straight, but wasn't

9. A "Saddam Hussein" - from one bunker into another

8. A "Yasser Arafat" - butt ugly and in the sand

7. A "John Kennedy Jr." - didn't quite make it over the water

6. A "Rodney King" - over-clubbed

5. An "O.J." - got away with one

4. A "Princess Grace" - should have used a driver

3. A "Princess Di" - should not have used the driver

2. A "Ted Kennedy" - goes in the water and jumps out

And the number one new golf term...

1. A "Jason Rohrblogger" - too drunk to play the back nine

-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/10/09)

And the alternates...

A "Condom" - safe, but didn't feel very good
A "Brazilian" - shaved the hole
A "Rush Limbaugh" - a bit too far to the right
A "Nancy Pelosi" - way to the left and out of bounds
A "James Joyce" - a putt that's impossible to read
A "Pee Wee Herman" - too much wrist
A "Sonny Bono" - straight into the trees
A "Paris Hilton" - a very expensive hole
A "RuPaul" - can't find your last two balls

JASON'S TOP TEN INTERNET TIME WASTERS

2009-11-07T10:10:00.000-08:00

This is the reason I can't get any work done...

Jason's Top Ten Internet Time Wasters

10. This is Why You are Fat

9. Why do You Have a Kid?

8. Awful Library Books

7. Awesome Family Photos

6. There, I Fixed It

5. Lovely Listing

4. Item Not as Described

3. Your Argument is Invalid

2. The Hawtness

And Jason's number one internet time waster...

1. People of Walmart

-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/7/09)

And the alternates...

The Wedinator
Ugliest Tattoos
That Will Buff Out
Fail Blog
LOL Dogs
Celebrity Snark
Totally Looks Like
Pundit Kitchen
Graph Jam
Parents on Facebook
You Should Have that Translated
Photoshop Disasters
Picture is Unrelated
Separated at Birth

THE MEME ON THE BLOG GOES ROUND AND ROUND

2009-11-02T06:02:00.000-08:00

I originally got this meme from Heather over at Yummy Sushi Pajamas.

I posted my original response here.

If you want to play, reply to this meme by yelling Words! in the comments, and I will give you five words that remind me of you. Then post them on your blog and explain what they mean to you.

Atomic Bombshell tagged herself at my original post and I sent her words. Then I tagged myself again at her blog, Tricycle.

My words from Ms. Bombshell...

5. Hilarious - Recycled dick jokes, stolen premises, and lousy puns, is there anything better?

4. Creative - I like to think my creativity is up to the high standards of the internet.

3. Intelligent - Who is smarter: the woman who writes the meme, or the man who tags himself to get memed?

2. Thoughtful - Oh, I'm full of thoughts. Some of them are even appropriate.

And my number one word...

1. Loving - Like Dionne Warwick says, self-love is the greatest love of all...

-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/2/09)

TOP TEN CAPTAINS

2009-10-30T05:28:00.000-07:00

Top Ten Captains

10. Cap'n Crunch

9. Captain Kangaroo

8. Captain Stubing

7. Captain Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger

6. Captain & Tennille

5. Captain Caveman

4. Captain of Her Heart

3. Captain Kirk

2. Captain America

And the number one captain...

1. Captain Morgan

-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/30/09)

And the alternates...

Captain Ahab
Captain Hawkeye Pierce
Captain Hook
Captain Nemo
Captain Han Solo
Captain Kidd
Captain Jack Sparrow
Captain Obvious
Captain Underpants
Captain Jonas Grumby

TOP TEN BEST HALLOWEEN SONGS

2009-10-27T04:40:00.000-07:00

Top Ten Best Halloween Songs

10. "Welcome to My Nightmare" -Alice Cooper

"We sweat, laugh, and scream here,
'Cause life is just a dream here"

9. "(Don't Fear) the Reaper" -Blue Öyster Cult

"Seasons don't fear The Reaper
Nor do the wind, the sun, and the rain"

8. "Cry Little Sister" -Gerard McMann

"Blind boys don't lie"

7. "Dead Man's Party" -Oingo Boingo

"Everybody's comin', leave your body at the door"

6. "Ghostbusters" -Ray Parker, Jr.

"If there's something weird and it don't look good,
Who ya gonna call? Ghostbusters!"

5. "Monster Mash" -Bobby "Boris" Pickett

"For my monster from his slab began to rise
And suddenly to my surprise, he did the mash"

4. "Time Warp" -Richard O'Brien

"With your hands on your hips, you bring your knees in tight
But it's the pelvic thrust that really drives you insane,
Let's do the Time Warp again!"

3. "Werewolves of London" -Warren Zevon

"I saw a werewolf drinking a piña colada at Trader Vic's
His hair was perfect"

2. "Highway to Hell" -AC/DC

"Going down, party time
My friends are gonna be there, too"

And the number one Halloween song...

1. "Thriller" -Michael Jackson

"You feel the cold hand and wonder if you'll ever see the sun
You close your eyes and hope that this is just imagination, girl!"

-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/27/09)

And the alternates...

"Psycho Killer" -Talking Heads

"We are vain and we are blind
I hate people when they're not polite"

"Nightmare on My Street" -DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince

"He comes to me at night after I crawl into bed
He's burnt up like a weenie and his name is Fred"

"The Toccata and Fugue in D minor" -Johann Sebastian Bach

"Da dah dah, Dah da dah dah DAH dah"

MUSING WITH MS. CLARK

2009-10-26T18:50:00.000-07:00

Tip o' the blog to Darby Clark over at Muse With Me for writing a Rohrblogger-inspired Top Ten post and linking back to me!

Check out Darby's hilarity for yourself. Ms. Clark if you're nasty.

Thanks for the blog love, Ms. Clark...

-Rohrblogger

TOP TEN REJECTED ENERGY DRINK FLAVORS

2009-10-24T08:59:00.000-07:00

Top Ten Rejected Energy Drink Flavors

10. Shockolate

9. Blue Bulls

8. Carpé Cream

7. Manana

6. Steak & Onion

5. FD&C Yellow No. 5

4. Electric Hammer

3. Ricin

2. Horehound

And the number one rejected energy drink flavor...

1. Gentle Sea Breeze

-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/24/09)

And the alternates...

Bladdershock
Eggnog
Menthol Ultra Light 100s
Chunky Vinegar & Oil
Key Lime Kidney Failure
X-treme Hollandaise
Corn Squeezins
Pistachio
Urea

JACK FINDS THE TENTH CIRCLE

2009-10-22T09:42:00.000-07:00

Halloween treats to Jack over at Fat Jack's Erratic Rants for linking to my Satan list.

I've been blogging from Hell for years. By the way, Pol Pot says hi!

Thanks for the Devilink, Jack...

-Rohrblogger

TOP TEN WAYS SATAN IS CUTTING BACK THIS HALLOWEEN

2009-10-20T19:00:00.000-07:00

Top Ten Ways Satan is Cutting Back this Halloween

10. Purgatory closed, all sinners sent to Abu Ghraib

9. Only putting razor blades in every other apple

8. Backmasking on Beatles albums now suggest you drink Pepsi

7. Church of Satan will no longer accept tithe in goats

6. Salem witch rituals outsourced to China

5. Pitchfork downgraded to salad fork

4. Only sponsoring three bands at Ozzfest this year

3. Sell two souls for eternity and the third one is free

2. Fine chicken blood normally sprinkled replaced with Folger's Crystals

And the number one way Satan is cutting back this Halloween...

1. Thinking about moving back in with Yahweh

-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/20/09)

And the alternates...

Not going down to Georgia
Hooves 10% less cloven
Road to Hell paved with mediocre intentions
Handbasket will not depart until full

ALL APOLOGIES

2009-10-17T03:28:00.000-07:00

Contrite shout out to Jack over at Fat Jack's Erratic Rants for linking to my Top Ten Apologies list.

I regret any remorse that my sorrow may have caused. Please forgive my apology.

It's all my fault. Well, me and the government, television, banking laws, politics, and lawyers...

-Rohrblogger

TOP TEN SUMO DIET TIPS

2009-10-16T17:32:00.000-07:00

Top Ten Sumo Diet Tips

10. Lettuce is for the weak

9. Avoid portions smaller than a hog

8. Octopus slurry will stretch a milkshake

7. Wrestler who cannot defeat buffet, cannot defeat adversary

6. At Taco Bell thirteen items is a snack, twenty-six items is a meal

5. Kobe Bryant is not a type of beef

4. Preempt hunger with a meal between breakfast and brunch

3. Japanese-accented Fat Bastard impressions are beyond funny

2. The food pyramid makes a great appetizer

And the number one sumo diet tip...

1. After you have vanquished your opponent, it is honorable to finish his sandwich

-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/16/09)

TOP TEN JASON APOLOGIES

2009-10-13T13:41:00.000-07:00

Top Ten Jason Apologies

10. I would like to apologize to all the farm animals I slept with who work for me on this blog

9. I regret taking steroids while I wrote my lists

8. I'm especially contrite over all the lame jokes I've made at the expense of Sarah Palin

7. My behavoir has hurt the real humor writers on the internet, and for that I am remorseful

6. I'm sorry for bringing sexy back

5. I owe Sir Mix-a-lot several apologies

4. I'm sorry my actions have been perceived by others to be egregious. I'm not sorry for my actions, just the perception that they were bad

3. I regret my misplaced unresolved anger towards Belgium

2. I replaced the fine apology normally served with Folger's Crystals to see if anyone notices. I regret the error

And the number one Jason apology...

1. Please forgive my complete lack of humor, originality, or ethics. My behavoir is a result of society, my upbringing, excessive alcohol, poor hygiene, drugs, American culture, the language barrier, and Sarah Palin

-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/13/09)

JASON'S TOP TEN KITCHEN TIPS

2009-10-05T18:26:00.000-07:00

Jason's Top Ten Kitchen Tips

10. Veggie burgers aren't bad if you put enough bacon on them

9. Red wine goes well with white wine

7. Black Eyed Peas make a great opening for Meatloaf followed by Cake

6. Kiss the cook, or barring that, bring chocolate

5. Conserve water by drinking vodka

4. Frosting helps the rice cake go down

3. It's not every woman will get up and make a man biscuits and gravy

2. Unfortunately, while barbecuing, you have to wear more than just an apron

And Jason's number one kitchen tip...

1. Don't pour hot grits down your pants

-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/5/09)

TOP TEN ITEMS IN JASON'S SURVIVAL KIT

2009-09-30T07:54:00.000-07:00

Top Ten Items in Jason's Survival Kit

10. A bible

9. A gun

8. A hollowed-out bible with a gun in it

7. Emergency banana

6. Three-days supply of water

5. Year's supply of Viagra

4. Extra SPAM, backup can of Vienna sausages

3. DVD of "The Negotiator"

2. Belgian-to-English dictionary

And the number one item in Jason's survival kit...

1. Midol

-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/20/07)

And the alternates...

Phonetic alphabet
Extra lottery tickets
L.L. Bean catalog
List of nearest relatives not living with him
Hidden cache of 80's porn
Prescription for Proactiv
Surplus semaphore flags
Military-grade tuxedo, corsage, and Camaro
Norse code
Mother's recipe for kicking ass and taking names
Cyanide capsule and bottle of '53 Dom Pérignon

TOP TEN REJECTED SODA FLAVORS

2009-09-27T18:15:00.000-07:00

Top Ten Rejected Soda Flavors

10. Coke Heavy

9. Pepsi Max Headroom

8. Sierra Mr. Mister

7. Dr. Salt

6. Chemical Syrup

5. Goatse with Lime

4. Sour Crush and Onion

3. Gumbo

2. Coca-Cogurt

And the number one rejected soda flavor...

1. Welch's Date Grape

-Jason Rohrblogger
(9/27/09)

And the alternates...

7-UP H₂0
T&A&W Boot Rear
Two Girls One Crush
Coke Zero Point One
Mountain Bleu Cheese

POSTER PLACEMENT FAIL

2009-09-24T07:37:00.000-07:00

Why would ordering breakfast free Mr. Simpson?

-Jason Rohrblogger
(9/24/09)

TOP TEN REJECTED OCD BEHAVIORS

2009-09-21T07:19:00.000-07:00

Top Ten Rejected Obsessive Compulsive Disorder Behaviors

10. Eat the whole bag of Oreos. Three times.

9. Beat every yellow light

8. Count your blessings

7. Rent Bad Boys II each time

6. Say four Our Fathers and four Hail Marys

5. Get in the ten-items-or-less line with nine items

4. Watch Oprah

3. Run exactly five minutes late

2. Always double down on eleven

And the number one rejected OCD behavior...

1. Write all of your blog posts with precisely ten items

-Jason Rohrblogger
(9/16/09)