TOP TEN SIGNS YOU ARE CARRYING TOM CRUISE'S BABY

Top Ten Signs You Are Carrying Tom Cruise's Baby

10. Heart-monitor beeps out theme to Mission: Impossible

9. Child already same height as the father

8. You've grown fond of the first name Elron

7. After disappointing second trimester, third trimester goes straight to DVD

6. Sometimes you just gotta say "What the heck"

5. Birth video directed by Michael Bay

4. Due on the 4th of July

3. Fetus jumps on your spleen whenever you watch Oprah

2. Your relationship has already jumped the shark

And the number one sign you are carrying Tom Cruise's baby...

1. After a cocktail of vanilla sky vodka you hold your eyes wide shut as he taps out endless love with all the right moves. After the last samurai, you've had a few good men, some young guns, but they were the outsiders because he is far and away the legend, the top gun, in the risky business of losin' it. He is the firm magnolia that brings you days of thunder and rain, man; the power of the world's collateral fades, like the color of money, and sounds like the distant minority report of fireworks born on the Fourth of July.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(02/10/06)