JASON'S TOP TEN PREDICTIONS FOR 2009

Jason's Top Ten Predictions for 2009

10. Adorable scamp Paris Hilton becomes America's sweetheart with her sunshine playfulness and youthful innocence

9. National Enquirer wins a Peabody Award for Excellence in Tabloid Journalism

8. Michelle Obama poses for The Atlantic Monthly's swimsuit issue

7. Suri Cruise will write a tell-all children's book

6. Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag star in the Broadway revival of Tennessee William's "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof" wherein Heidi uses her time onstage to explore her constant neediness and Spencer grapples with his latent homosexuality

5. Guantánamo Bay closed down and replaced with a Starbucks

4. Eliot Spitzer, John Edwards, Bill Clinton, Larry Craig, and Bristol Palin form the American Scandal Party. Rod Blagojevich still excluded.

3. Guns n' Roses only take six months to release their next stinker, Chinese Anarchy

2. Due to lack of funds, Jason Rohrblogger's Top Ten switches to only eight Folger's Crystals references per list

And Jason's number one prediction for 2009...

1. Incredibly successful Congressional bailout turns economy around on a dime

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/30/08)

And the alternates...

Obama trades Iraq to Iran for three magic beans

Burger King invents a five-pound jalepeño bacon double pepper jack cheeseburger served between the two live defibrillator paddles used to cook it

Finally, a Friday the 13th sequel that answers all the questions raised in the first 21 movies...

American People lay off 10% of cabinet, 20% of Congress, and 12 state governors

Michael Phelps, the most under reported story of 2008, finally gets some media coverage

Snow White's polygamous cabin raided by authorities. All dwarfs placed in foster care.

Late night talk show guest Dr. Lincoln Wolfenstein offends host Jimmy Fallon by primarily concentrating on connecting theoretical physics to experimental observations, because his work on weak interaction has tainted his studies on the presence of electrons in Earth and solar matter and their effect on neutrino propagation. MSW effect or not, for a particle phenomenologist to focus solely on neutrino oscillation in matter...I mean, c'mon bro. You don't show that on television no matter what the hour

Amy Winehouse goes to rehab

LINKY, BUT NOT DINKY

A big holiday shout out to Fat Jack's Erratic Rants for linking to my Top Ten Osama bin Laden Christmas Traditions list.

Nothing like waking up Christmas morning to a link from a jolly elf.

Thanks for decking my halls...

-Jason Rohrblogger

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'VE HIRED THE WRONG DENTIST

Top Ten Signs You've Hired the Wrong Dentist

10. Diagnoses three rectal cavities, prescribes butt floss

9. For an extra fifty she'll let you take home an "eight-ball of anesthesia"

8. Sets drill on stun

7. He's wearing a mask, gloves, leather corset, and whip

6. Installs a bridge to nowhere

5. Charges you $1.99-a-minute to look at your x-rays

4. Accepts cash, charge, insurance, chickens, moonshine, and small hounds

3. Before adjusting the chair, asks "would you like a happy ending?"

2. Spit cup smells like chewing tobacco

And the number one sign you've hired the wrong dentist...

1. Reaches through your mouth and extracts your wallet

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/26/08)

And the alternates...

Fills cavities with unicorns and rainbows
In lieu of Novocaine, states "count backwards from ten and go to your special place"
Leaves a dollar under your pillow for each tooth removed
She gives a smile when the pain comes, the pain's gonna make everything alright, alright yeah

TOP TEN OSAMA BIN LADEN CHRISTMAS TRADITIONS

Top Ten Osama bin Laden Christmas Traditions

10. No oil in Afghanistan, but lumps and lumps of coal

9. Hijacking the angel and flying her into the side of the tree

8. Making it onto Santa's naughty list thirty years running

7. Knitting goat hair cell-cozies for Guantánamo Bay

6. Always waiting until the last minute on Christmas Eve to put Little Omar's surface-to-air missile together

5. Recruiting martyrs on the Island of Misfit Goyim

4. Letting the kids pull the pin on ONE grenade on Christmas Eve

3. Getting wasted at the al Qaeda office party and eating a bacon double cheeseburger with Goldstein from accounting

2. Joy of dispatching C4-laden Grinch to Whoville

And the number one bin Laden Christmas tradition...

1. On the Twelfth Day of Christmas my true love(s) sent to me:
Twelve more months of hiding
Eleven bombers bombing
Ten mullahs mulling
Nine sheikhs a-shaking
Eight spooks a-snooping
Seven-ty virgins waiting
Six planes a-flying
Five I-E-D's
Four waterboards
Three henchmen
Two Karl Roves
And a cartridge in an A-K

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/5/08)

And the alternates...

Holiday-themed perimeter passwords
The way the whole cave smells like scorched turkey
Who put the ram in the Ram-a-dan, who put the God in the No-God-but-God and Muhammed is His Prophet?

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU ARE TOO BUSY FOR CHRISTMAS

Top Ten Signs You are too Busy for Christmas

10. Spent more time on the road than a traffic cone

9. Decided to buy your Christmas turkey on E-bay

8. Your toys for tots include whiskey, cigarettes, and lottery tickets

7. Left Santa milk, cookies, and three TPS reports to complete

6. Christmas tree decked out in beer cans and toilet paper

5. All gifts wrapped in leftover ham

4. You argue that most evidence points to Jesus really being born in August anyway

3. You bought the eggs but forgot the nog

2. Request your wife TIVO the whole thing so you can watch it when you get home

And the number one sign you are too busy for Christmas...

1. You are just getting around to finding your Easter eggs

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/20/08)

TOP TEN CREEPY SANTA PICKUP LINES

The Top Ten Creepy Santa Pickup Lines

10. I'll make you shake like a bowl full of jelly

9. I come more than once a year

8. My wreath is hung

7. Show me how you to make it onto the naughty list

6. I want to slide down your chimney

5. That is a candy cane in my pocket, and I am glad to see you

4. Hi, I'm Kenny Rogers

3. I got your stocking stuffer right here

2. I'm just a fat, bearded, reindeer jockey of love!

And the number one creepy Santa pickup line...

1. I've got a loaded elf in my pants

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/17/08)

And the alternates...

That's not eggnog
Won't you ride my sleigh tonight?
The yuletide is gay, but I'm not

TOP TEN WAYS THE $750 BILLION GOVERNMENT BAILOUT WILL BE SPENT

Top Ten Ways the $750 Billion Government Bailout will be Spent

10. $109 billion for corporate jet cozies for American Express

9. $135 billion to shore up the Congressional private escort industry

8. $11 billion for Sarah Palin's wardrobe

7. $137 billion to get welfare queens off the rolls and free up more money for AIG

6. $44 billion for Ford to develop an SUV that burns sub-prime mortgages

5. $151 billion for an oversight committee to determine where the $750 billion should be spent

4. $19.99 for subscription to Oversight Magazine

3. $68 billion on Phantom Philly to place in the sixth race

2. $57 billion to buy the administration a clue

And the number one way the $750 billion government bailout will be spent...

1. $190 billion for a stock market that runs on wishes and dreams

Total cost for the $750 billion bailout = $902 billion

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/14/08)

TOP TEN ATTRACTIONS AT SIX FLAGS BAGHDAD

Top Ten Attractions at Six Flags Baghdad

10. Magic Mujaheddin Mountain

9. Flying Fatwah

8. Tower of Tehran Terror

7. The Monofail

6. Country Bear IED Jamboree

5. The Splatterhorn

4. Honey, I Blew Up the Children

3. ThunderGoats

2. Surface-to-air Martyr

And the number one attraction at Six Flags Baghdad...

1. Pirates of the Abu Ghraibbean

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/11/08)

And the alternates...

Jurassic Haj
Blackwater Down
Sunni in Wonderland
Freefall Ujah
Bungle Cruise

TOP TEN REJECTED SLOT MACHINE THEMES

Top Ten Rejected Slot Machine Themes

10. Enron

9. Interracial Smackdown

8. Awkward Moment

7. Shoeless Baby

6. Degenerate Loser

5. Getting OJ Simpson's Memorabilia Back

4. Trip to the Poorhouse

3. Money Eater

2. Replacing the Fine Jackpot Normally Won with Folger's Crystals. Let's See if Anyone Notices

And the number one rejected slot machine theme...

1. Foreclosure

-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/27/08)

And the alternates...

Hurricane Katrina of Winnings!
George W. Recession
Waterboard of Fortune

TOP TEN RANDOM FACTS ABOUT ROHRBLOGGER

I got tagged and bagged over at Patience is a Virtue.

First, the tagging game's rules:
Link to the person who tagged you.

Post the rules on your blog.
Write 6 random things about yourself.
Tag 6-ish people at the end of your post.
Let each person know he/she has been tagged.
Let the tagger know when your entry is up.

I am going to stick with my format and list the Top Ten Random Facts about Rohrblogger. Normally I would just make up ten funny-sounding lies (I once shot a man in Reno just to watch him die) but this time I will list ACTUAL FACTS that I am NOT making up...

10. I have a black belt in an obscure Hawaiian martial art called Kajukembo

9. I was the 1989 Arizona state fighting champion in my weight class (featherweight - remember this was 19 years, and roughly 70 pounds, ago)

8. I won because I legitimately beat everyone(,) up until the final match. One of the guys I fought was an ex-Green Beret who was just let out of prison. He had stabbed his wife's lover, yet another Green Beret, with a knife.

7. In the final match my opponent disqualified himself by striking me with a direct backfist to the head, a headstrike that was illegal at the time

6. As the winner of the featherweight class, I got to go on and fight the winners of the middleweight and and heavyweight classes

5. The middleweight fighter drew the bye and I had to fight the heavyweight first

4. The heavyweight fighter (a robust fellow member of my same Kajukembo school) proceeded to pound me into submission. The match lasted less than one round with a technical knockout. He proceeded to do the same thing to the middleweight fighter.

3. My family was so impressed that I won my weight class, they took out an ad in the paper to congratulate me. My college classmates picked up the story and announced it to the Student Union to my embarrassment.

2. The only thing I've pounded since graduating college is a computer keyboard. I couldn't win a fight now, and knife-wielding ex-Green Berets make me scream like a sissy-boy.

And the number one random fact about Rohrblogger...

1. I was once the opening act for Carrot Top

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/5/08)

I am tagging...
Carrot Top, The Green Berets, The University of Arizona Student Union, Ryan Seacrest, The Arizona Department of Corrections, and Oprah

TOP TEN REJECTED EXCUSES FOR SPEEDING

Top Ten Rejected Excuses for Speeding

10. Had to get home to make sweet love to your mother, officer

9. I'm dislexic and thought the speed limit was 53

8. What school zone, retirement home, and bike lane?

7. Wanted to kill a moose with my car for Sarah Palin

6. Was rushing home to watch COPS

5. Accidentally hit the missile launcher. (James Bond only)

4. Had to go 88 mph to activate the flux capacitor

3. Thought it was Paris Hilton in the crosswalk

2. Ran out of Total, ate twenty-four bowls of Shredded Wheat

And the number one rejected excuse for speeding...

1. Someone just poured hot grits down my pants

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/2/08)

And the alternate...

Didn't think a bicycle would go 100 mph. (Lance Armstrong only)