Jason Gets Republished in McSweeney's!
I submitted my Top Ten Topics of Conversation at My Cousin's House on Any Given Holiday list to McSweeney's and they originally published it back in March of 2007.
They just published it again as part of their Cornucopia of Thanksgiving Lists!
All hail McSweeney's and their awesome double publishing of my dysfunctional humor!
-Rohrblogger
(11/30/09)
Monday, November 30, 2009
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
TOP TEN THINGS FOR WHICH I AM THANKFUL
Top Ten Things for Which I am Thankful
10. Exculpatory evidence
9. Quicklime
8. Teh internets
7. Bulletproof underwear
6. The firms of Beam, Daniels, and Cuervo
5. Turkey (the animal, the lunch meat, and the country)
4. Freedom
3. The amazingly good-looking readers of my blog
2. Folger's Crystals
And the number one thing for which I am thankful...
1. Boobs
-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/24/09)
*One of the spell check suggestions for Cuervo is "fervor." Say "fervor for Cuervo" three times fast...
10. Exculpatory evidence
9. Quicklime
8. Teh internets
7. Bulletproof underwear
6. The firms of Beam, Daniels, and Cuervo
5. Turkey (the animal, the lunch meat, and the country)
4. Freedom
3. The amazingly good-looking readers of my blog
2. Folger's Crystals
And the number one thing for which I am thankful...
1. Boobs
-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/24/09)
*One of the spell check suggestions for Cuervo is "fervor." Say "fervor for Cuervo" three times fast...
Saturday, November 21, 2009
FOUND PORN
The Twirl This post over at Awful Library Books is full-on X-rated without even trying to be. I'm just saying author Constance Atwater knows what she's doing.
"A backward wrist motion rolls the shaft between the thumb and the first finger. Tip points to the right, ball to the left.... The shaft is released from the thumb and first finger."
I'm talking about baton twirling. I don't know what you were thinking...
-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/21/09)
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
TOP TEN CONTRACT RIDERS FOR JRTT
Top Ten Contract Riders for Jason Rohrblogger's Top Ten
10. A copy of the Mona Lisa must be visible at all times from the window of my dressing room or Jason Rohrblogger will not perform
9. All concert personnel must be vaccinated for rabies, distemper, and heartworm
8. Mr. Rohrblogger is to be picked up at the airport in a 1915 Stutz Bearcat and driven to the nearest Taco Bell
7. Dressing room to be stocked with condoms (extra large), popcorn butter, Zovirax, and Depens
6. One centaur, male
5. A library stocked with Judy Blume novels
4. A personal trainer be available on demand for Mr. Rohrblogger's shellfish
3. Identical twin Swedish blackjack dealers fluent in Mandarin and Portuguese
2. No one is to reference Folger's Crystals or acknowledge its existence in the presence of Mr. Rohrblogger
And the number one contract rider for Jason Rohrblogger's Top Ten...
1. Don't get Mr. Rohrblogger happy. You wouldn't like him when he's happy
-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/18/09)
And the alternates...
Massage-trained goats
Two kegs light beer with red cups
One monkey-themed banana bong
One carton Kool Extra-Heavy
DVD box set of The Brady Bunch
Loaded baked potato-flavored Pop Tarts
10. A copy of the Mona Lisa must be visible at all times from the window of my dressing room or Jason Rohrblogger will not perform
9. All concert personnel must be vaccinated for rabies, distemper, and heartworm
8. Mr. Rohrblogger is to be picked up at the airport in a 1915 Stutz Bearcat and driven to the nearest Taco Bell
7. Dressing room to be stocked with condoms (extra large), popcorn butter, Zovirax, and Depens
6. One centaur, male
5. A library stocked with Judy Blume novels
4. A personal trainer be available on demand for Mr. Rohrblogger's shellfish
3. Identical twin Swedish blackjack dealers fluent in Mandarin and Portuguese
2. No one is to reference Folger's Crystals or acknowledge its existence in the presence of Mr. Rohrblogger
And the number one contract rider for Jason Rohrblogger's Top Ten...
1. Don't get Mr. Rohrblogger happy. You wouldn't like him when he's happy
-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/18/09)
And the alternates...
Massage-trained goats
Two kegs light beer with red cups
One monkey-themed banana bong
One carton Kool Extra-Heavy
DVD box set of The Brady Bunch
Loaded baked potato-flavored Pop Tarts
Sunday, November 15, 2009
ROCKING MY WORLD(S)
This video came out last week and I cannot get enough of it. Every time I watch it, there is another layered inside joke I missed before. Amazing work, BentTV!
ALL NEW! Star Wars Gangsta Rap: Chronicles
-Rohrblogger
ALL NEW! Star Wars Gangsta Rap: Chronicles
-Rohrblogger
Friday, November 13, 2009
CNN AND THE TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE, NO GOOD, VERY BAD ANCHOR
Lou Dobbs quit CNN! I'm all for free speech. And when your speech is against an entire class of people (i.e. immigrants) then that free speech belongs in only two places: talk radio, and/or the internet with the rest of the crazies.
CNN is for news and editorial opinion that involves policies not people. Love the immigrant, hate the poverty. Love the terrorist, hate the terror. Love the anchor, hate the show.
That's why I'm glad to see it go...
-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/12/09)
CNN is for news and editorial opinion that involves policies not people. Love the immigrant, hate the poverty. Love the terrorist, hate the terror. Love the anchor, hate the show.
That's why I'm glad to see it go...
-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/12/09)
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
TOP TEN NEW GOLF TERMS
Today's post was stolen from here and here and here.
Top Ten New Golf Terms
10. A "Rock Hudson" - a putt that looked straight, but wasn't
9. A "Saddam Hussein" - from one bunker into another
8. A "Yasser Arafat" - butt ugly and in the sand
7. A "John Kennedy Jr." - didn't quite make it over the water
6. A "Rodney King" - over-clubbed
5. An "O.J." - got away with one
4. A "Princess Grace" - should have used a driver
3. A "Princess Di" - should not have used the driver
2. A "Ted Kennedy" - goes in the water and jumps out
And the number one new golf term...
1. A "Jason Rohrblogger" - too drunk to play the back nine
-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/10/09)
And the alternates...
A "Condom" - safe, but didn't feel very good
A "Brazilian" - shaved the hole
A "Rush Limbaugh" - a bit too far to the right
A "Nancy Pelosi" - way to the left and out of bounds
A "James Joyce" - a putt that's impossible to read
A "Pee Wee Herman" - too much wrist
A "Sonny Bono" - straight into the trees
A "Paris Hilton" - a very expensive hole
A "RuPaul" - can't find your last two balls
Top Ten New Golf Terms
10. A "Rock Hudson" - a putt that looked straight, but wasn't
9. A "Saddam Hussein" - from one bunker into another
8. A "Yasser Arafat" - butt ugly and in the sand
7. A "John Kennedy Jr." - didn't quite make it over the water
6. A "Rodney King" - over-clubbed
5. An "O.J." - got away with one
4. A "Princess Grace" - should have used a driver
3. A "Princess Di" - should not have used the driver
2. A "Ted Kennedy" - goes in the water and jumps out
And the number one new golf term...
1. A "Jason Rohrblogger" - too drunk to play the back nine
-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/10/09)
And the alternates...
A "Condom" - safe, but didn't feel very good
A "Brazilian" - shaved the hole
A "Rush Limbaugh" - a bit too far to the right
A "Nancy Pelosi" - way to the left and out of bounds
A "James Joyce" - a putt that's impossible to read
A "Pee Wee Herman" - too much wrist
A "Sonny Bono" - straight into the trees
A "Paris Hilton" - a very expensive hole
A "RuPaul" - can't find your last two balls
Saturday, November 07, 2009
JASON'S TOP TEN INTERNET TIME WASTERS
This is the reason I can't get any work done...
Jason's Top Ten Internet Time Wasters
10. This is Why You are Fat
9. Why do You Have a Kid?
8. Awful Library Books
7. Awesome Family Photos
6. There, I Fixed It
5. Lovely Listing
4. Item Not as Described
3. Your Argument is Invalid
2. The Hawtness
And Jason's number one internet time waster...
1. People of Walmart
-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/7/09)
And the alternates...
The Wedinator
Ugliest Tattoos
That Will Buff Out
Fail Blog
LOL Dogs
Celebrity Snark
Totally Looks Like
Pundit Kitchen
Graph Jam
Parents on Facebook
You Should Have that Translated
Photoshop Disasters
Picture is Unrelated
Separated at Birth
Jason's Top Ten Internet Time Wasters
10. This is Why You are Fat
9. Why do You Have a Kid?
8. Awful Library Books
7. Awesome Family Photos
6. There, I Fixed It
5. Lovely Listing
4. Item Not as Described
3. Your Argument is Invalid
2. The Hawtness
And Jason's number one internet time waster...
1. People of Walmart
-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/7/09)
And the alternates...
The Wedinator
Ugliest Tattoos
That Will Buff Out
Fail Blog
LOL Dogs
Celebrity Snark
Totally Looks Like
Pundit Kitchen
Graph Jam
Parents on Facebook
You Should Have that Translated
Photoshop Disasters
Picture is Unrelated
Separated at Birth
Monday, November 02, 2009
THE MEME ON THE BLOG GOES ROUND AND ROUND
I originally got this meme from Heather over at Yummy Sushi Pajamas.
I posted my original response here.
If you want to play, reply to this meme by yelling Words! in the comments, and I will give you five words that remind me of you. Then post them on your blog and explain what they mean to you.
Atomic Bombshell tagged herself at my original post and I sent her words. Then I tagged myself again at her blog, Tricycle.
My words from Ms. Bombshell...
5. Hilarious - Recycled dick jokes, stolen premises, and lousy puns, is there anything better?
4. Creative - I like to think my creativity is up to the high standards of the internet.
3. Intelligent - Who is smarter: the woman who writes the meme, or the man who tags himself to get memed?
2. Thoughtful - Oh, I'm full of thoughts. Some of them are even appropriate.
And my number one word...
1. Loving - Like Dionne Warwick says, self-love is the greatest love of all...
-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/2/09)
I posted my original response here.
If you want to play, reply to this meme by yelling Words! in the comments, and I will give you five words that remind me of you. Then post them on your blog and explain what they mean to you.
Atomic Bombshell tagged herself at my original post and I sent her words. Then I tagged myself again at her blog, Tricycle.
My words from Ms. Bombshell...
5. Hilarious - Recycled dick jokes, stolen premises, and lousy puns, is there anything better?
4. Creative - I like to think my creativity is up to the high standards of the internet.
3. Intelligent - Who is smarter: the woman who writes the meme, or the man who tags himself to get memed?
2. Thoughtful - Oh, I'm full of thoughts. Some of them are even appropriate.
And my number one word...
1. Loving - Like Dionne Warwick says, self-love is the greatest love of all...
-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/2/09)