TOP TEN SIGNS IT'S CHRISTMAS IN IRAQ

Top Ten Signs it's Christmas in Iraq

10. Muzzle flash has that extra-warm holiday glow

9. Price of sleigh-seeking missiles triples

8. Booby traps put up earlier and earlier every year

7. Prisoners exchanged with little red bows on them

6. You are visited by the ghosts of Ramadan Past, Christmas Present, and a One-Term Future (George W. Bush only)

5. Steaming cups of goatnog

4. Visions of sugar plumbs covertly inserted into the dancing hearts and minds of Iraqi children

3. Then one foggy Christmas Eve, Santa came to say, "Rudolph with your nose so bright, won't you please maintain light discipline within the perimeter until at least oh seven hundred hours?"

2. Millions of Iraqi fathers trying to figure out how to assemble the @#!^% L'il Jihad Anti-Tank Missile Jr.

And the number one sign it is Christmas in Iraq...

1. Unexpected glut of Christmas stockings with the names "Uday" and "Qusay"

-Jason Rohrblogger and Ken Bloggerts
(12/05/03)

TOP TEN SECRET PROJECTS IN DEVELOPMENT AT VICK'S

Top Ten Secret Projects In Development At Vick's

10. An inhaler that sterilizes game show contestants.

9. The Vap-O-Rub hot tub

8. A genetically engineered cold virus that temporarily changes brown eyes to blue.

7. Vick's 44 "Magnum" cough supressing condom

6. Mentholated crack

5. Nyquil, now with Viagra! The coughing, sneezing, aching, stuffy headed, fever, so you can get it up, medicine.

4. Mochaccino flavored expectorant

3. Blisterine: mouthwash with nonoxynol 9

2. A normal looking medicine cup that is deadly when used with Robitussin

And the number one secret project in development at Vick's...

1. Strawberry flavored chewable children's Valium. The bedtime snack that makes bedtime last for up to three days!

-Jason Rohrblogger
(02/10/99)

TOP TEN SIGNS IT'S CHRISTMAS IN MANHATTAN

Top Ten Signs it's Christmas in Manhattan

10. Suddenly your loose change sounds like magical sleigh bells as the mugger jogs away.

9. There are visions of fairies dancing in your head, but those aren't sugar plums.

8. The flame from the crack pipe has that extra-warm glow.

7. Santa's sleigh driven by a one-eyed Pakistani.

6. Office of Homeland Security has replaced all mistletoe with TOW Missiles.

5. Yes, that's a pistol in Santa's pocket and he's glad to see you...

4. At fully assembled dinner table, Dancer awkwardly announces that he's living with Prancer.

3. Bin Laden sticks his head out of Ground Zero. If he sees his shadow, it's six more years of a Bush White House.

2. You can't believe your luck at the Macy's sale when you buy the Brooklyn Bridge for $9.00 worth of beads!

And the number one sign it's Christmas in Manhattan...

1. Al Quaeda has three fully-loaded hijacked angels flying directly into your Christmas tree.

And to all a good night!

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/15/02)

TOP TEN DEMANDS ON IRAQ IF JEWEL WERE CHAIRMAN OF THE JOINT CHIEFS OF STAFF

Top Ten Demands on Iraq if Jewel Were Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff

10. Saddam Hussein will have to allow on-site inspections, and work with a therapist to heal his wounded inner child.

9. Before any progress can be made, Iraqi women must be given the right to vote, sing, and play guitar

8. Soldiers in the elite Republican Guard will keep a daily journal detailing their personal triumphs and disappointments and the locations of any mobile Scud launchers.

7. Any bathroom breaks during negotiations must culminate with Hussein putting the toilet seat down.

6. If Saddam decides later that he wants to let inspectors back in, he has to send flowers and a sincerely worded note of apology.

5. After deadly Sarin nerve gas has been destroyed, the aluminum containers will be recycled.

4. All Soviet-made T-56 tanks to be replaced with strappy tank tops.

3. After reaching a historic peace accord, Saddam may not "just roll over and go to sleep."

2. Neither country can threaten to walk out on talks when the other country feels vulnerable.

And the number one demand on Iraq if Jewel were the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff...

1. Before sending your armored columns rumbling across international borders, and against unarmed Kurds, is it too much to ask that you just hold me?

-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/16/98)

TOP TEN REJECTED TOPICS ON THE RICKI LAKE SHOW

Top Ten Rejected Topics On The Ricki Lake Show

10. I've been in love with my baby's mother since the day we got married and that's not about to change now.

9. I have big secret to tell you: I have nothing but the deepest respect and admiration for your hard earned accomplishments.

8. Girl, your ass looks great in those tasteful jeans, you must have all kinds of self-respect.

7. Twins separated at birth, and then reunited a few minutes later.

6. Ho's and dikes: Gardening below sea level.

5. Gay priests who, nevertheless, remain celibate and do a great job of ministering to the community anyway.

4. Why Oprah is the Queen of all daytime talk shows eight years running.

3. I was gonna sleep with your man, but we decided against it because it would hurt your feelings.

2. I left my bad relationship before it got abusive, and now I'm a well adjusted middle class citizen.

And the number one rejected topic on the Ricki Lake show...

1. Underage school children who go home to two-parent nuclear families.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/19/98)

TOP TEN GANSTA PET PEEVZ

Top Ten Gangsta Pet Peevz

10. When yo jus kickin' it with yo homies and The Man think he all that an try to come up on yo ass fo sellin' a little medicinal crack.

9. When your lowrider gets stuck in the 'up' position.

8. O.G.'s who dis the hood jus cuz they think they got it goin' on.

7. Getting a jheri curl caught in the bolt of your AK.

6. Hoes who think they bitches, and bitches who think they hoes.

5. The light in solitary is so bad, it's hard to get an accurate depiction of Louis Farrakhan in a prison tattoo.

4. Sucka MC's who can't bust a rhyme.

3. Going through the metal detector security checkpoint at the 7-11.

2. When the bitch don't have my money.

And the number one gangsta pet peeve...

1. Middle class white boys who write whack lists.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/25/98)

TOP TEN GOOD THINGS ABOUT THE NEW ELECTRIC VEHICLES

Top Ten Good Things About the New Electric Vehicles

10. They go through fewer batteries than Oprah's "back massager"

9. Faster than a speeding golf cart

8. Electrified back seat eliminates need to stop car before disciplining children

7. Refueling as easy as being struck by lightning

6. Taco Bell puts out more emissions

5. More popular than rotary engines

4. They also slice, dice, and julienne

3. Almost never explode if you go slower than 50 mph

2. You don't spill electricity on your shoes

And the number one good thing about the new electric vehicles...

1. Less annoying than the Electric Slide

-Jason Rohrblogger
(07/06/99)

TOP TEN OSAMA BIN LADEN HIDING PLACES

Top Ten Osama Bin Laden Hiding Places

10. In broom closet

9. With Elvis at Memphis Denny's

8. Under Scooby-Doo mask

7. Touring as guitar tech with ZZ Top

6. Kandahar Bowl-O-Ramadan

5. Cave that is higher than a Phish concert on Mt. Everest

4. Secret fort made of pillow cushions

3. Berkeley Ashram

2. Replaced the fine fanatic normally served with Folger's Crystals

And the number one Osama Bin Laden hiding place...

1. Your mom's room

-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/10/04)

And the alternates...

Camp David
In a hidey hole
Batcave
Fortress of Schadenfreude

TOP TEN PROJECTS IN DEVELOPMENT AT MOTOROLA

Top Ten Projects In Development At Motorola

10. Radar defeating hair gel

9. Satellite transmitted microwave burrito

8. Laser-guided dashboard Jesus

7. Stealth dust bunny

6. Twin recoilless fully automatic belt-fed reciprocal gas powered Pez
launchers

5. Padded cell phone

4. Voice-activated motion-sensitive contraceptive

3. Hand held New Yorker-to-English translator

2. Husband-mounted listening device

And the number one project in development at Motorola...

1. Shoulder-fired bean fueled surface-to-air heat seeking Chihuahua

-Jason Rohrblogger
(05/11/99)

TEN POINT RECONDTIONING SERVICE ON ALL USED HONDAS

Ten Point Reconditioning Service On All Used Hondas

10. Change the air in the tires--install high performance air.

9. Lubricate the seat belts.

8. Rotate the mirrors.

7. Shine the muffler belt.

6. Check seat cushions--remove any loose change.

5. Armor-all the brakes.

4. Check license plate for wear--replace if necessary.

3. Calibrate the floor mats.

2. Lick the ash tray.

And the number one reconditioning service on all used Hondas...

1. Polish and reset the odometer.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(05/31/99)

TOP TEN PROJECTS IN DEVELOPMENT AT LUCASFILM

Top Ten Projects In Development At Lucasfilm

10. SlimPlot - SlimFast for scripts

9. A Shakespearean trained actor who only responds when Frank Oz' hand is up his ass

8. Computer generated audiences

7. Action packed video games based on obscure Chekhov novels

6. An adorable pint-sized tow-headed blonde mop-topped evil villain

5. Luke 'n Leia's "Feel the Force" Kentucky Home Pregnancy Test

3. George Lucas' chiropractic training video: Jedi Spine Tricks

2. An Imperial Battle Cruiser that will find and destroy the Starship Enterprise once and for all

And the number one project in development at Lucasfilm...

1. Replace Al Gore as company acting coach

-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/11/99)

TOP TEN SLOBODAN MILOSEVIC EXCUSES

Top Ten Slobodan Milosevic Excuses

10. Loves the smell of Napalm in the morning

9. Had nothing else to do, thought "what the hell..."

8. Liked Churchill, but REALLY misses Hitler.

7. Thought an endless campaign of terror and destruction would impress the chicks.

6. Still angry over that lousy Yugo he bought back in '89.

5. Thought ethnic cleansing would be less offensive than Jar Jar.

4. As a child, he was bullied on the playground (for capitulating to unilateral demands to cease territory expansion.)

3. Didn't want to have to get permission from the wife to sleep in a different bunker every night.

2. Missed the recent newspaper article about how NATO bombed Iraq back into the Stone Age.

And the number one Slobodan Milosevic excuse...

1. Tired of the Lewinsky scandal, had to do SOMETHING to change the headlines.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/29/99)

TOP TEN NATIONAL ENQUIRER HEADLINES IN CHINA

Top Ten National Enquirer Headlines in China

10. Mao Tse Tung Sends Message of Revolution From Beyond Grave - say friends

9. Psychics Are Just Charletans Used By Imperialist Dogs To Control The Population - psychic says

8. The 'Secrets' Stars Turn In Their Neighbors For

7. Secret Police Shocker: Rebellious Teenager Hoards Banned Copies of "The Old Man and the Sea!"

6. Doctors Reveal: How You Steam Your Rice Says Something About You!

5. Residents Complain: Hong Kong Is Just A Decadent Western Den Of Strife! -admits neighbors

4. "Please shoot me," begs student protestor, "I am a criminal!" -witness claims

3. Tienanmen Tragedy! Four Riot Squad Heroes Left Sore From Beating Students!

2. Four pages of unlucky horoscope predictions: Who's going to fall in love and who's going to prison?

And the number one National Enquirer headline in China...

1. Deng Xioping: Perfect leader, or merely the smartest man alive?

-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/10/99)

IN MEMORIUM

Ten Rodney Dangerfield One-Liners

10. "I tell ya I get no respect from anyone. I bought a cemetery plot. The guy said, 'There goes the neighborhood!'"

9. "When I was born, I was so ugly that the doctor slapped my mother."

8. "When I started in show business, I played one club that was so far out, my act was reviewed in Field and Stream."

7. "Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: 'Basement?'"

6. "When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. ... and no one showed up."

5. "I never got girls when I was a kid. One girl told me, 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. There was nobody home."

4. "When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me."

3. "When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's."

2. "With my wife, I don't get no respect. The other night there was a knock on the front door. My wife told me to hide in the closet."

1. "With my wife, I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it."

Godspeed on your way to the Great Gig in the Sky...

-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/06/04)

KIKI TAKES ON ROHRBLOGGER

I am no longer anonymous in the blogosphere! Check out Kiki Haro's circus of cool links (including Jason Rohrblogger's Top Ten) and poetry at www.kikiharo.blogspot.com (or just click on the title above). Kiki Haro rocks beyond all bloggers who have ever rocked in the history of blogging!

-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/02/04)

TOP TEN GARY CONDIT EXCUSES

Top Ten Gary Condit Excuses

10. Thought he was having an affair with a BIC Disposable Intern.

9. Had Chandra Levy killed because "...bitch didn't have my money."

8. Just wanted to emulate his two heroes: Clinton and O.J.

7. Somehow got involved in a bizarre sex-for-hostages-for-arms-to-Iran scheme.

6. Always seems to have trouble with the girls pimped by Jesse Helms.

5. Couldn't care less about Chandra Levy, worried National Enquirer will find out about his affairs with Meg Ryan and Nicole Kidman.

4. Was sick of seeing his good name associated with campaign finance reform.

3. Slept with intern to cover up his fetish for flaming hairless French poodles.

2. Hit man missed and assassinated his character, not his wife.

And the number one Gary Condit excuse...

1. Couldn't stand to see that bitch, Clinton, getting all the scandal press.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(08/04/01)

TOP TEN REJECTED SPACE SHUTTLE NAMES

Top Ten Rejected Space Shuttle Names

10. Fleeced Lightning

9. Money Shot

8. Sally's Last Ride

7. Maurice

6. REO Spacewagon

5. 20,000 Pounds of Love Thrust

4. O-Ring Eater

3. Sublight Speed Suburban

2. The Edmund Fitzgerald

And the number one rejected Space Shuttle name...

1. Lead Zeppelin

-Jason Rohrblogger
(08/22/01)

TOP TEN REJECTED SPACE SHUTTLE MISSIONS

Top Ten Rejected Space Shuttle Missions

10. Voyage to the center of the Earth.

9. Replace the fine fuel normally burned with dilithium crystals. See if anyone notices.

8. Rendevouz and docking with Britney Spears.

7. Jam paper clip into telecommunications satellite so Houston can get free Pay Per View.

6. Test the effects of zero gravity on a beer keg and a large pepperoni pizza.

5. Reposition Hubble Space Telescope to follow Gary Condit around wherever he goes.

4. Lower suspension, install twin chrome exhaust ports, add bitchin' T-tops. Pull up to Russian Space Station and gun engines then buzz Dairy Queen on Mars.

3. Re-enter Earth's atmosphere using only the gravitational pull of Oprah Winfrey.

2. Rent cargo bay to Philip Morris. Fly a bunch of Space Cowboys to flavor country.

And the number one rejected Space Shuttle mission...

1. Assist Clinton in joining the 25,000 mile high club.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(08/22/01)

TOP TEN NAMES FOR GEORGE W. BUSH'S MISSILE DEFENSE SYSTEM

Top Ten Names for George W. Bush's Missile Defense System

10. The National Diaphragm

9. Block That Kick!

8. The Quintillion Dollar Cure for Monkey Business

7. Tommyhawk Knocker

6. Putin On the Fritz

5. 180 Degrees of Separation

4. Broke Shields

3. The Soviet Bloc-er

2. Intercontinental Ballistic Enema

And the number one name for George W. Bush's missile defense system...

1. The Democracy Strikes Back

-Jason Rohrblogger
(08/31/01)

TOP TEN TALIBAN EXCUSES

Top Ten Taliban Excuses

10. Wanted to be nuked back to the Mesozoic Era. Just didn't have own bomb.

9. Sick of the way Gary Condit was getting all of the American press.

8. Misread Old Testament passage about "burning bush."

7. Still angry because America helped them kick the Russians out of their homeland.

6. Camel loaded with explosives kept sinking in New York Harbor.

5. Tired of the way Nazis and Russians are always the bad guys in American movies.

4. Missed that one newspaper article awhile back about what America did to Iraq.

3. Upset because of immigration, there are not enough people in the workforce to staff all the 7-11's in downtown Kabul.

2. Afghan airforce consists of two paper airplanes and a broken rubber band.

And the number one Taliban excuse...

1. Can't wait to meet Allah.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(09/13/01)

TOP TEN CHANGES AFTER THE WTC DISASTER

Top Ten Changes After the WTC Disaster

10. Any seat at any time can be ejected from a commercial aircraft.

9. Gaping hole where Afghanistan used to be filled with asphalt. Russia finally has enough parking.

8. Leggy blonde stewardesses cross trained in the deadly art of Ninjitsu.

7. Cockpits not even Houdini could break into.

6. Transparent clothing, luggage, and luggage compartments.

5. Charles Bronson booked on all domestic flights.

4. Office buildings designed to duck.

3. History Channel dumps Hitler, officially changes name to Bin Laden Channel.

2. F-16 Tomcat escorts you through metal detector at airport check-in. ("Maverick, that carry-on is too close for missiles, switching to guns...")

And the number one change after the WTC disaster...

1. Two words: Nerf planes.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(09/28/01)

TOP TEN GOVERNMENT DEMANDS ON MICROSOFT

Top Ten Government Demands On Microsoft

10. Microsoft be split up into two companies to keep the hot side hot and the cold side cold.

9. Bill Gates is to PUT DOWN the mouse, STEP AWAY from the keyboard, and COME OUT with his hands up!

8. One of the proposed "Baby Bills" be headed up by outgoing Russian president, Boris Yeltsin, who will create a new vodka-based operating system.

7. Steve Ballmer call off the race of giant squirrels threatening Judge Thomas Penfield Jackson.

6. Steve Jobs gets one free-throw at the Bill Gates Dunking Booth at the King County Fair.

5. If Microsoft reveals the Windows Source Code, the Justice Department will give every nerd a dollar.

4. Redmond, Washington be declared a separate and sovereign nation. Then we bomb it back to the Stone Age.

3. Bill Gates return the State Department laptop he stole with the Top Secret solution for Tetris on it.

2. Microsoft relinquish its Monopoly, admit it's Sorry, and get a Clue.

And the number one government demand on Microsoft...

1. This summer Bill Gates finally gets a haircut and gets a real job.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(05/08/00)

TOP TEN PROJECTS IN DEVELOPMENT AT TYCO

Top Ten Projects In Development at TYCO

10. A miniature Conductor that does the Mambo number 5

9. A battle scarred coastline that smells like napalm in the morning

8. An HO scale breathalyzer

7. 1/8 inch railroad union busting goons

6. An eCaboose

5. Self-loading cargo

4. An environmentally friendly Locomotive that runs on discarded Pokemon wrappers

3. "Obsession" scented coal

2. A steering wheel

And the number one project in development at TYCO...

1. Railroad ties made from Jar Jar Binks

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/05/99)

TOP TEN BILL GATES MOTIVATIONS

Top Ten Bill Gates Motivations

10. Just wanted to gain maniacal control of worldwide computing to HELP people.

9. Built $40 billion in personal wealth to impress chicks.

8. Only needs to buy Sun Microsystems, Hewlett Packard, and Marvin Gardens for complete Monopoly.

7. You think computers are just going to crash themselves? No, buster, somebody has to write the software that's gonna crash those computers!

6. Classy haircuts and designer frames aren't free, you know.

5. Was just waiting for James Bond to stumble into his trap before unleashing the Y2K virus on everyone.

4. Jerks at Netscape kept throwing garbage on his lawn.

3. It all started as a harmless prank that got out of hand.

2. Was really unsatisfied with the way it used to take surface mail DAYS to send a chain letter all the way around the world.

And the number one Bill Gates motivation...

1. Deal with Satan stipulated that Bill would never have to give up until there was peace in the Middle East, the economy was booming, and Newt Gingrich quit.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/10/98)

TOP TEN CONTRACTUAL DEMANDS BY THE TACO BELL CHIHUAHUA

Top Ten Contractual Demands By The Taco Bell Chihuahua

10. His ethnicity be referred to at all times as "Canine-American."

9. Kennels in New York, Milan, and his old hood, Tha Dogg Pound.

8. His glass of scotch never gets down past the halfway mark.

7. The name of that bitch, Lassie, is never uttered in his presence.

6. That all the Kibbles be served separate from the Bits.

5. Pooches everywhere should never be insulted again by referring to Linda Tripp and a "dog."

4. Pussy cats, plenty and plenty of pussy.

3. 24 karat gold, jewel encrusted "scooper."

2. A personal assistant be provided to fetch, sit, and beg.

And the number one contractual demand by the Taco Bell chihuahua...

1. Ubermodel Elle MacPherson be flown in to hold his Milkbone.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/08/98)

TOP TEN GOOD THINGS ABOUT MONICAGATE

Top Ten Good Things About Monicagate

10. Every ten-year-old now knows the difference between "fellatio" and "intercourse."

9. Hearing Barbara Walters mouth the word "semen."

8. Gap stock soars as blue dress sales skyrocket.

7. For once, Bill is quiet.

6. Al Gore to Dan Quayle at their inevitable debate: "I knew Bill Clinton, I worked with Bill Clinton. I am no Bill Clinton."

5. Highly educated special prosecutor Ken Starr is wasting millions of taxpayer's dollars questioning white collar ethics instead of efficiently putting felons behind bars. (Felons' point of view only)

4. At least Clinton isn't shagging Camilla Parker Bowles. Yet.

3. Unfaithful slobs everywhere now simply refered to as "clintonian."

2. It was either this or 24 hour coverage of O.J. Simpson golfing.

And the number one good thing about Monicagate...

1. Hillary can dump Bill, like the dead weight he is, put all of this behind her, and start running the country like we elected her to do.

TOP TEN REJECTED WRIGLEY'S GUM FLAVORS

Top Ten Rejected Wrigley's Gum Flavors

10. Tabasco 'n' Raisin

9. 40 Weight! With 100% Recycled Motor Oil Liquid Center

8. Gumshoe

7. Asbestos Fruitastic

6. Bus Station Barnacle Ballyhoo

5. Zapatista Zowie: It's A Revolution In Your Mouth!

4. Dr. Hawkenstein's Chewmucous Explosion

3. Broken Beer Bottle Crunch Surprise

2. Punishmint (Curiously Strong)

And the number one rejected Wrigley's gum flavor...

1. Blow, Pops: Washington's Favorite Candy. How Many Licks Does It Take To Get To The Hard Evidence?

-Jason Rohrblogger
(08/19/98)

TOP TEN WARTIME ATROCITIES IN BOSNIA

Top Ten Wartime Atrocities In Bosnia

10. Serbs got their chocolate in Muslims' peanut butter.

9. Sarajevo McDonalds replaced plastic toy Grimace with grenade in every Happy Meal.

8. Each Croat forced to change surname so that is contains at least three consecutive consonants (disemvowelment).

7. Yugo factory resorts to cheap parts and outdated designs for its cars.

6. Prison camps force victims to watch the Magic Hour with Magic Johnson.

5. Greater number of teens took up smoking.

4. 10,000 miles away, President Clinton has to seek solace in the arms of another woman.

3. Newest pop sensation: Sniper Spice.

2. U.N. Peacekeepers replace fine coffee normally served with Folger's Crystals.

And the number one wartime atrocity in Bosnia...

1. Flippant humor lists that make light of abject human suffering.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(08/10/98)

TOP TEN PRINCE WILLIAM PICK-UP LINES

Top Ten Prince William Pick-Up Lines...

10. You're not like the other serfer girls.

9. Do you deign to grace these premises with your presence often?

8. The Captain of my Bodyguard couldn't help but notice what a nice ass you have.

7. I won't behead you like my Great Great Great Great Great Great Grandfather Henry would.

6. What's your sign, title, and family crest?

5. Wanna appear on the front page of a tabloid?

4. Do fries and The Aquitaine come with that shake?

3. That's my horse and carriage parked outside.

2. You like the Spice Girls? Well they're coming over to visit my dad tonight.

And the number one Prince William Pick-Up Line...

1. That's not a sceptre in my pocket...I'm just glad to see you.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(01/02/99)

TOP TEN ITEMS ON JESUS' "THINGS TO DO" LIST AFTER HE RETURNS IN THE YEAR 2000

Top Ten Items On Jesus' "Things To Do" List After He Returns In The Year 2000

10. Use the internet to find the current whereabouts of Judas.

9. Try a Remington Electric Razor. If He likes it, buy the company.

8. Sneak behind counter at McDonald's; have friend place gag order of fishes and loaves.

7. Stretch out, properly warm-up, then kick some Lucifer butt.

6. Goodbye sandals, hello Reeboks!

5. Appear on Jerry Springer, heal the guests.

4. Pop in a tape of "Titanic" so He'll have something to watch for Eternity.

3. Ride into New York City on donkey...apply for cab driver's license.

2 . Start a band.

And the number one item on Jesus' "things to do" list after He returns in the year 2000...

1. Get a haircut and get a real job.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(09/10/98)

TOP TEN ITEMS ON JESUS' "THINGS TO DO" LIST BEFORE HE RETURNS IN THE YEAR 2000

Top Ten Items On Jesus' "Things To Do" List Before He Returns In The Year 2000

10. Pick up shroud at Turin dry cleaners.

9. Perfect new miracle: turning water into Diet Snapple.

8. Shoot 35mm preview of return announcing, "this time, it's personal."

7. Direct-mail campaign to those set for Pre-Tribulation rapture: rapture bus will arrive mid-to-post Trib.

6. Two words: Holy Spice

5. Rent a tux, buy a corsage, wash the Camaro.

4. Three day, five state book signing junket.

3. Stick head out of tomb, if no shadow, three more millenniums of winter.

2. Cancel paper, kennel the dog, set timer for the lights.

And the number one item on Jesus' "things to do" list before He returns in the year 2000...

1. Pay a little visit to Jim Bakker, Jimmy Swaggart, and Jerry Falwell.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(09/10/98)

TOP TEN THINGS MONICA LEWINSKY WILL TELL THE GRAND JURY NOW THAT SHE HAS IMMUNITY

Top Ten Things Monica Lewinsky Will Tell The Grand Jury Now That She Has Immunity

10. Her favorite Spice Girl is really Sporty Spice, not Ginger like she told Vanity Faire.

9. She befriended Linda Tripp because of Linda's highly developed sense of personal style.

8. Clinton's breath is actually minty fresh!

7. The extra time she spent in the Oval Office was to hammer out an illicit top secret underground bipartisan plot to balance the budget by the First Quarter 2003.

6. The beret is neither a hat nor a bonnet. It was developed from scarves worn on the head by provincial girls in the Alpine countryside.

5. Allen Ginsburg "is a fake and a phony and I wish I never laid eyes on him."

4. Her closeness to Clinton grew out of a mutual respect they shared for the late latin clown, Cantinflas.

3. All they really did was kiss. But Clinton had to go telling everyone in Washingon the next day that he got a B.J.

2. Hillary likes to watch.

And the number on thing Monica Lewinsky will tell the Grand Jury now that she has immunity...

1. "It all started 13 years ago when I needed someone to broker a land deal in the Whitewater section of Arkansas...next thing I know: the Chinese government is paying me to blow the President!"

-Jason Rohrblogger
(07/30/98)

TOP TEN KENNETH STARR TURN-ONS

Top Ten Kenneth Starr Turn-Ons
 
10.  When a witness really wants to be subpoenad but pretends she doesn't like it 
 
9.  Approaching the Bench 
 
8.  Dewey young lawyers in John Grisham novels
 
7.  Supreme Court Justices with nice gavels 
 
6.  Paralegals who take longhand 
 
5.  First Ladies who aren't afraid to testify 
 
4.  The way a liberal administration implodes during the second term
 
3.  When a complex land deal goes sour 
 
2.  Meeting a nice girl during Voire Dire
 
And the number one Kenneth Starr turn-on...
 
1.  Papparazzi who don't trample the flowers
 
-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/28/98)

TOP TEN GINGER SPICE CAREER MOVES

Top Ten Ginger Spice Career Moves

10. Finally marry Yoko Ono, forget what the rest of the band says about her.

9. Die in a fiery, drug-related, accident now that she is on the threshold of mega stardom.

8. Host a late-night talk radio advice show opposite Dr. Laura, urge
suicidally lonely to: "accesorize more."

7. Figure out want she wants, what she really, really wants.

6. More Taco Bell commercials with that hilarious Chihuahua!

5. Sell Ginko-Biloba nutritional supplements on the Home Shopping Network, put her picture on the front, claim they have "30% more Ginger!"

4. Plan the Spice Girls Fall reunion tour.

3. Write much anticipated autobiography with pithy title like: "Spice of Life."

2. Replace Linda McCartney in Wings.

And the number one Ginger Spice career move...

1.Prepare Nobel Prize acceptance speech, wait for October.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/01/98)

TOP TEN O.J. SIMPSON JOB OFFERS

Top Ten O.J. Simpson Job Offers

10. Knife sharpener, Cutlery Barn in the mall.

9. Poster Boy, "How To Character Assassinate Yourself Society"

8. Golf Pro, Soweto Links, Johannesburg, South Africa

7. Image consultant to Klaus von Bulow

6. National Spokesperson, "Benevolent Paternal Order of the Scott Free"

5. Lead shoe salesman, Bruno Magli, Beverly Hills

4. Chief butcher, Hormel, Cincinatti, OH

3. Marriage counselor, Blue Hills, Kentucky

2. Host of Fox's shock show: "World's Deadliest Boyfriends V: When Husbands Attack!"

And O.J. Simpson's number one job offer...

1. Dictator for life, Uganda.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(05/26/98)

TOP TEN SPACE STATION MIR EXCUSES

Top Ten Space Station MIR Excuses

10. Cutting edge structure designed by sophisticated Russian engineering. Engine built by Ford.

9. Shuttle service provided by Delta.

8. Former Soviet Union fell apart at the seams, too.

7. Not upholstered in rich Corinthian leather.

6. Too much space, not enough station.

5. Cosmonauts jammed a paper clip into the sensitive satellite
communications array to get free HBO.

4. Nothing has worked the same since that Thunder Alley drag race against the NASA Space Shuttle.

3. Didn't build station to archaic metric specifications, used alien
hieroglyphics instead.

2. Switched fine coffee normally served in the galley with Folger's
Crystals.

And the number one space station MIR excuse...

1. Ran out of potato vodka.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(04/24/98)

TOP TEN MONICA LEWINSKY PET PEEVES

Top Ten Monica Lewinsky Pet Peeves

10. Leaders of the Free World who act like they don't know you.

9. Knowing your Prom Date is probably hitting on Chelsea at Stanford right now.

8. When Ken Starr thinks he is the boss of you.

7. Having to hand all of your allowance right over to your lawyer.

6. When the prize in your Happy Meal is a listening device.

5. Secret Service Agents who don't know when to keep service secret.

4. Donna Karan still hasn't come out with a Spring line of berets.

3. "Wings" just won't sound the same now that Linda McCartney is gone.

2. White House photographers with nothing better to do.

And Monica Lewinsky's number one pet peeve...

1. Hillary thinks she's all hot just because she lives in the White House, well she's not!

Jason Rohrblogger
(04/21/98)