TOP X REJECTED AMENDMENTS TO THE CONSTITUTION OF THE UNITED STATES

Top X Rejected Amendments to the Constitution of the United States

Amendment X: The right to do a little dance, make a little love, indeed the very right to get down tonight shall not be infringed.

Amendment IX: No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless CNN has had a chance set up 24-hour coverage.

Amendment VIII: In peacetime, neither the bride, groom, nor a wedding guest shall be required to perform more than two (2) line dances at all legally attended receptions. This is reduced to one (1) if the person in impressed upon to replicate the Macarena or Electric Slide.

Amendment VII: Allows the attorney general to bring charges against any exotic dancer who picks up United States currency with anything other than her hands.

Amendment VI: Congress shall make no law prohibiting the right of the people peaceably to assemble, unless they are assembled in a house for the purposes of reality television.

Amendment V: Declares it a high crime to filibuster in the X-amendments-or-less line in Congress.

Amendment IV: Makes it illegal to post nude photos of your ex on the internet. (Article i: Unless she is really hot)

Amendment III: The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, until the subject has had time to hide the porn, flush the pot, and cover their naughty-nurse tattoo.

Amendment II: In the course of human events that Stockings are attached to a chimney, they shall be hung with care.

And the number I rejected Amendment to the Constitution of the United States...

Amendment I: No glove, no love.

-The Honorable Gentleman from the Blogoshpere
(12/11/05)

MERRY SPAMAS

Welcome to the 2005 Holiday Edition of Getting to Know Your Friends! You know the drill...

1. EGG NOG OR HOT CHOCOLATE? Hot nog-on-chocolate action

2. DOES SANTA WRAP PRESENTS OR JUST SIT THEM UNDER THE TREE? Wrap it before you tap it

3. COLORED LIGHTS ON THE TREE/HOUSE OR WHITE? Let's not bring civil rights into this

4. DO YOU HANG MISTLETOE? On my belt buckle

5. WHEN DO YOU PUT YOUR DECORATIONS UP? November. 1999.

6. YOUR FAVORITE HOLIDAY DISH? Charo

7. FAVORITE HOLIDAY MEMORY AS A CHILD? Catching Santa kissing daddy

8. WHEN DID YOU LEARN THE TRUTH ABOUT SANTA? Truth? You can't handle the truth!

9. DO YOU OPEN A GIFT ON CHRISTMAS EVE? I'm usually wrapping gifts on Christmas Eve

10. WHAT KIND OF COOKIES DOES SANTA GET SET OUT FOR HIM? I've disabled cookies on all of Santa's browsers

11. SNOW! LOVE IT OR DREAD IT? Oh man, I gave that up in the 70's after rehab

12. CAN YOU ICE SKATE? Maybe.

13. DO YOU REMEMBER YOUR FAVORITE GIFT? A Kokopelli Gourd

14. WHAT'S THE MOST IMPORTANT THING ABOUT THE HOLIDAYS FOR YOU? Showing the Muslims and Hindus what time it is

15. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE HOLIDAY DESSERT? Dad's handpacked fudge

16. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE HOLIDAY TRADITION? Peeking up the angel's skirt at the top of the tree

17. WHAT TOPS YOUR TREE? Topless angel

18. WHICH TO YOU PREFER - GIVING OR RECEIVING? Giving, then receiving, then giving again.

19. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CHRISTMAS CAROL? Carol Lombard

20. CANDY CANES! YUCK OR YUM?? Yuck. I use a candy wheel chair.

21. FAVORITE CHRISTMAS MOVIE? Debbie Does Bethlehem

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/25/05)

TOP TEN SIGNS IT'S CHRISTMAS IN LOS ANGELES

Top Ten Signs It's Christmas in Los Angeles

10. Spent shells from your AK-47 sound like magical sleigh bells as they hit the sidewalk.

9. Dancer and Prancer living together in West Hollywood.

8. Flames from the meth lab have that extra-warm glow.

7. For one month, Tinsel Town also has trees.

6. Santa stuck in a SIG alert on the 405 Fwy.

5. Your Douglas-fir is pimped out with 20's, mobile Playstation, and 5.1 Surround.

4. LAPD beats Rudolph with batons because he was "...guiding Santa's sleigh in an erratic manner, had an eggnog-like substance on his breath, and...resisted arrest."

3. Celebrities honor the 12-days of Scientology/Kabbalah/Bulimia.

2. LAX screeners hum "Silverbells" as they cavity search you.

And the number one sign it's Christmas in Los Angeles...

1. Jesús, Maria, and José just rode into town...

-Jason Rohrblogger and Ken Bloggerts
(12/01/05)

And the alternates...

Freeway shooters use special red and green foil-wrapped Hershey's milk chocolate bullets
Holiday-themed cups used at Starbucks are double-D's
Mrs. Claus sitting courtside next to Jack Nicholson at a Lakers game
Elves have agents and carry a packet of 8x10 headshots
Santa has to make an extra stop so Donner can get another nipple piercing

TOP TEN HEADLINES AT THE NORTH POLE ENQUIRER

Top Ten Headlines at the North Pole Enquirer

10. Mrs. Claus to K-Fed: 'Guide My Sleigh Tonight?'

9. Elf Bites Deer

8. Naughty List at Record High; Bush, bin Laden To Get Coal

7. Do You Hear What Area Man Hears?

6. U.S. Resumes Bombing on Island of Misfit Toys

5. Eyewitness: 'Mommy Kissed Santa Claus'

4. Grand Jury Indicts Grinch on Three Counts of Christmas Theft

3. Tiny Tim at 16: 'Get Bent'

2. Breakthrough in Three Kings Case; Suspects of Orient Are

And the number one headline at the North Pole Enquirer...

1. Jesus to Little Drummer Boy: 'Knock It Off'
LDB: 'Pa Rum Pum Pum Pum'

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/10/02)

TOP TEN BACHELOR CHRISTMAS ACTIVITIES

Top Ten Bachelor Christmas Activities

10. The Drinking of the Beer

9. The Watching of the Game

8. The Lighting of the Fart

7. The Thawing of the Turkey

6. The Burning of the Turkey

5. The Ordering of the Pizza

4. The Anointing of the Porn

3. The Walking of the Line & Touching of the Nose

2. The Peeing on the Tree

And the number one bachelor Christmas activity...

1. The Tossing of the Cookies

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/19/98)

TOP TEN THINGS FOUND IN ARIZONA AT CHRISTMAS

Note: Today's guest list-writer is comedian Paul Deven...

Top Ten Things Found in Arizona at Christmas

10. Eight tiny, dehydrated reindeer

9. Santa Cruz

8. Rudolph, the red-nosed guy on the median

7. Sweatcicles

6. Santa's Maximum Security Elf Prison (Do not stop for itty bitty hitch-hikers)

5. Low-rider Sleigh

4. Elf Tacos

3. Snow, conveniently packed in single kilo bags

2. Stockings hung by the chimney with frijoles

And the number one thing found in Arizona at Christmas...

1. Jalapeño nog

-Robert Paul Van Deven

TOP TEN LEAST POPULAR CHRISTMAS GIFTS

Note: Today's guest list-writer is comedian Paul Deven...

Top Ten Least Popular Christmas Gifts

10. Ronco Spurge-a-matic

9. "Openly Gay" GI Joe with Kung Fu Grip

8. Tandy's radio controlled marital aids

7. The Game of Lice by Milton Bradley

6. Hickory Farm's "Foul Smelling Cheeses of the World" gift pack

5. The Pudding Shooter

4. "Little Spastic Susie" doll

3. Old Spice with Techroline

2. Super Mario Cuomo Brothers videogame

And the number one least popular Christmas gift...

1. Chia Pants

-Robert Paul Van Deven

AURORA ROCKS

Once again Aurora Borealis over at Atomic Bombshell has featured me prominently in one of her posts.

And she even threw in a reference to my fave long-running reference of all-time: replacing something with Folger's Crystals!

Aurora you are the bomb (diggity). Her site is all about outstanding graphics, daily posts, and a regular readership. I'm always honored to get her attention...

THANK YOU AURORA!

TOP TEN CHRISTMAS CAROLS IN IRAQ

Top Ten Christmas Carols in Iraq

10. Bombs Away in a Manger

9. God Bless You Buried Gentlemen

8. We Three Kings of Orient Are Going to Lay Down a Suppressing Fire on Your Position While We Execute a Flanking Maneuver

7. Walking on a Winter Wonder Landmine

6. Do You Smear What I Smear?

5. I'm Dreaming of a White Flag Christmas

4. Little Hummer Boy

3. Kiss Me Under the TOW Missile

2. Over the Euphrates and Through the Perimeter...

And the number one Christmas Carol in Iraq...

1. Oil I Want for Christmas

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/16/04)

And the alternates...
Slay, Ride
Up on the Housetop! Take Cover! Return Fire!
Silver Hajj
Frosty the Oilman
Police Navidad
Grandma Got Run Over by a Humvee
It Came Upon a Midnight Clear, It Took Hill 43
It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Hanoi
Jingle Bell Shock & Awe
O Come Ali Faithful
White Supremacistmas
Peshmerga the Red-Nosed Insurgent
O Holy Nightvision
I saw Osama Kissing Santa Claus
Iran, Ran, Rudolph

TOP TEN REJECTED CELEBRITY-ENDORSED HOLIDAY GIFTS

Top Ten Rejected Celebrity-Endorsed Holiday Gifts

10. Pez brand Elton John Zoloft dispenser

9. Saddam Hussein Beard Lice Extermination Kit

8. Dubya's Guide to Surfing the Internets for Dummies

7. "Desperate Housewives" Upholstery Stain Remover

6. Rosie O'Donnell's Savory Carpet Dessert Topping

5. The Prison Farm Cookbook by Martha Stewart and Dottie "Pack-O-Cigs" Van Dyken

4. Tara Reid's Areola Cross-Stitching Hobby Set

3. The Barry Bonds "Shoot-Em-Up" Steroid Injection System

2. Michael Moore Washboard Abs Machine

And the number one rejected celebrity-endorsed holiday gift...

1. Paris Hilton's Self-Taught Sword Swallowing Instructional Video (oddly enough, also found on the "Most Popular Celebrity Endorsed Holiday Gifts" list)

-Ken Bloggerts and Jason Rohrblogger
(12/17/04)

And the alternates...

The Ron Artest "Throw Away Your Career" Wastebasket (complete with mini-backboard)
Courtney Love's Guide to Courtroom Etiquette
Dan Rather fact check kit
Bob Dylan Enunciation Guide
Larry King Marriage Handbook
Five Easy Steps to Humility by Donald Trump
Michael Jackson Makeup Line

TOP TEN THREE WISE MEN PET PEEVES

Top Ten Three Wise Men Pet Peeves

10. Traveling night and day for two years on the Orient-Bethlehem turnpike only to discover your camel's left blinker was on the whole way.

9. It's 50 lucre for three lousy measures of Frankincense.

8. You follow a star to the East but it turns out to be projecting a computer generated dancing baby.

7. The turkey isn't even out of the oven yet and Joseph is drunk already.

6. Trying to explain to your harem why you spent last night in a manger filled with sheep and goats, but the only woman there is still a virgin.

5. If you give gifts to one Savior of Mankind, you have to give gifts to EVERY Savior of Mankind.

4. The way the Sanhedrin are always appointing an Independent Prosecutor to investigate everything.

3. Still writing "B.C." on all the checks.

2. Baby Judas keeps telling on Baby Jesus.

And the number one Three Wise Men pet peeve...

1. Just knowing your computer is going to crash two thousand years from now.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/08/98)