TOP TEN THINGS I THOUGHT I WOULD BE DOING BY NOW

Top Ten Things I Thought I Would Be Doing by Now

10. Sarah Jessica Parker

9. Paying off the national debt with my vintage Betamax collection

8. Saving the endangered Pocket Fox

7. Making rent

6. Acquiring the rank of assistant crack whore

5. Getting off the junk and finding a nice boyfriend

4. Finishing up my degree in Paranormal Paleogeology

3. Running for Sheriff of Bloom County

2. Somehow automotively compensating for my small penis

And the number one thing I thought I would be doing by now...

1. Making my first Top One Million List

-Jason Rohrblogger
(01/30/07)

TOP TEN REJECTED ANNIVERSARY GIFT TRADITIONS

Top Ten Rejected Anniversary Gift Traditions

10. 1 year - beer

9. 5 years - tequila

8. 10 years - Quaaludes

7. 20 years - rope

6. 25 years - razor blades

5. 30 years - bathtub toaster

4. 40 years - gasoline and a match

3. 50 years - pistol

2. 55 years - speeding train

And the number one rejected anniversary gift tradition...

1. 60 years - grenade

-Jason Rohrblogger
(01/27/07)

Note: But at least I'm not bitter

TOP TEN FLAWS IN MY PLAN

Top Ten Flaws in My Plan

10. The French will never agree

9. NASCAR too susceptible to doping

8. Tide will be out when Ryan Seacrest steps into the kill zone

7. Girl Scout cookies only 10% real Girl Scout

6. No man will ever give up the remote control

5. Boiling point of Jack Daniel's is 182°F

4. That's a pistol in his pocket

3. Nobody will read the blog

2. Exhaustion sets in after 30 seconds

And the number one flaw in my plan...

1. Bush + American people = too smart to fall for that

-Jason Rohrblogger
(01/24/07)

TOP TEN REJECTED HYMNS

Top Ten Rejected Hymns

10. A Mighty Fortress is Our Dog

9. Amazing Grace Jones

8. This Little Shi'ite of Mine

7. The Old Rugged Crossdresser

6. What a Friend We Have in Jesús

5. Great is thy Faith Hillness

4. Blessed Assurance, Casualty & Indemnity

3. How Great Thou Art Garfunkle

2. Iraq of Ages

And the number one rejected hymn...

1. Onward Christian Slater

-Jason Rohrblogger
(01/20/07)

And the alternates...

It is Well with My Soul Brother
Nearer, My God, to Three
Holy, Holy, Holy Lord God All-Whitey
Battle Him From the Republic
Morning has Broken, Fix It Somehow
When the Saints Go Fourth and Long
Jesus Loves Me, This I Know What You Did Last Summer
HalleBarryLujah Chorus
Just a Closer Walk with Brie
Kim Bayah

TOP TEN NEW STEREOTYPES

Top Ten New Stereotypes

10. Republicans are gay

9. Mongolians like snakes

8. Never insult an African's golf club

7. Rich people smell like almonds

6. Hindu Fundamentalists still refuse to wear white after Labor Day

5. Mayor McCheese is a perennial write-in candidate in Chile

4. Canadians enjoy disco

3. Astronauts smoke ceremonial eucalyptus

2. Hungarians have replaced the fine coffee normally served with Folger's Crystals

And the number one new stereotype...

1. The Swiss consider Sinbad a comedic genius

-Jason Rohrblogger
(01/18/07)

And the alternates...

Women like a man with a long list
Muscovites can't be trusted with an air guitar
You can dance if you want to
Gypsies refuse to wear mullets
Alcoholics can calculate pi to fifty places
If you drink a completely melted popsicle, you will see God
Chinese chefs can balance family and career
Nerds are people too

TOP TEN REASONS TO FEAR THE REAPER

Top Ten Reasons to Fear The Reaper

10. Not really trained to use scythe

9. Halitosis

8. Is congressman who likes little boys

7. Also works for IRS

6. Will leave bone-impressions on your furniture

5. Smells like ass

4. Talks on cell phone while eradically driving death chariot

3. Can also make you live longer, too

2. Is bi-polar and off his meds

And the number one reason to fear The Reaper...

1. Has mob ties

-Jason Rohrblogger
(01/15/07)

And the alternates...

Is Republican
Does not slow for children in crosswalk
Does not observe Sabbath
Hunts like Dick Cheney, drives like Ted Kennedy
Is drunk
Is also health inspectre
Thinks Sinbad is funny

TOP TEN PROJECTS IN DEVELOPMENT AT FORD

Top Ten Projects in Development at Ford

10. An alternative fuel that provides 150 miles per gallon in a Focus, eight miles per gallon in a Cavalier, and causes a Corolla to explode

9. Leather-n-buckle seat belts for masochists

8. A navigation system that can plot a course to the nearest shoe sale

7. Convertible bottom

6. Built-in keg dispenser

5. Remote control upholstery

4. Web-enabled windshield that supports the Firefox browser

3. Four-wheel drive motorcycle

2. Dash-mounted 95-inch plasma screen HDTV

And the number one project in development at Ford…

1. Airbags that gently fill with freshly-popped popcorn (and brake fluid that tastes like butter. "I can't believe it's not brake fluid!")

-Jason Rohrblogger
(01/12/07)

And the alternates...

Amway distributor
An air filter that also removes any bad feelings
Dashboard Buddha
A Cadalladic converter that transforms GM vehicles into Lincolns

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU ARE ADRIAN

Top Ten Signs You are Adrian

10. Your car window is broken and your mirror is missing

9. You are dating a man old enough to be your uncle

8. You are slightly taller than the kids you babysit

7. One word: cranky

6. You need the good lovin'

5. You have a hot moms

4. Bra has more cargo capacity than the Space Shuttle

3. You are a Trader Ho

2. You drive a Volkswagen Macintosh

And the number one sign you are Adrian...

1. You got your high school diploma, undergrad, graduate and post-grad degrees at the same school

-Jason Rohrblogger
(01/01/07)

TOP TEN CLICHÉ WAR MOVIE NICKNAMES / ACTUAL FRIENDS OF MY FATHER'S FROM HIS OLD NEIGHBORHOOD

Top Ten Cliché War Movie Nicknames / Actual Friends of My Father's from His Old Neighborhood

10. Snake

9. Eightball

8. Detox

7. Brooklyn

6. Handjob

5. Alphabet

4. Joker

3. Dago

2. Meat

And the number one cliché war movie nickname / actual friend of my father's from his old neighborhood...

1. Psycho

-Jason Rohrblogger
(01/06/07)

And the alternates...

Crazy Legs
D-Train
Flounder
Doc
Sarge
Stoner
Goat
Stinky
Scorch
Mary