TOP TEN NEW YEARS' RESOLUTIONS FOR THE NEXT DECADE

These are MY next ten years, people! The Roar-ing 20s are back! Herewith are my...

Top Ten New Years’ Resolutions For The Next Decade

10. Gain an extra twenty pounds. A month.

 9. I already spend 19 hours a day on social media. If I stay focused and apply myself, I think I can get that 20th hour.

 8. Tell more rambling stories.

 7. Do my hair toss, check my nails (Related: Get a tattoo of Lizzo from shoulder blade to shoulder blade)

 6. Start charging for my marriage and child rearing advice

 5. Eat more red meat, drink more whiskey, and kiss more pretty girls

 4. Finally determine the perfect amount of time to microwave a yam

 3. Follow Nickelback on tour

 2. Less empathy and more judgment, especially for people who are different from me

And my number one New Years’ Resolution for the next decade…

 1. Quit writing so many lists!

-Jason Rohrblogger (12/31/19)

TOP TEN REJECTED SANTA BANDS

St. Nick is putting on his fog hat and getting the band back together. Herewith are the...

Top Ten Rejected Santa Bands

10. Sleigh-er

 9. The Rolling Gnomes

 8. Red Hat Chili Peppers

 7. Clausagoogoo

 6. Santana

 5. Mötley Cüpid

 4. Haulin’ Oats

 3. Salt n’ Peppamint

 2. Fleetwood Elf

And the number one rejected Santa band name…

1. Blue Öldster Cult (more sleigh bell!)

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/25/19)

And the alternates..

Rudolf Against the Machine
The North Police
Vixen
Prancer and The Revolution
Night Stranger
Alice in Reigns
Dire Saints
Lump of Coalplay
NichoLos Lobos
Maroon 5 Golden Rings
Jesus and Mary Chain
Santa's Midnight Runners
Snow Patrol
Kris Krossmas
Presents! At the Disco

TOP TEN REJECTED HANUKKAH BANDS

Top Ten Rejected Hanukkah Bands

10. Menorah at Work

 9. Gefilte Phish

 8. Maimonides Tabernacle Choir

 7. ZZ Dreidel

 6. Any Other Night Ranger

 5. Steve Mohel Band

 4. Oil Light Orchestra

 3. Mäzel Crüe

 2. Red Hot Kosher Peppers

And the number one Rejected Hanukkah Band...

 1. The Velvet Undergelt

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/22/19)

TOP TEN SIGNS IT IS CHRISTMAS IN PHOENIX, ARIZONA

Top Ten Signs it is Christmas in Phoenix, Arizona

10. Stockings hung by the chimichanga with care

 9. No room at the inn, baby Jesus has to be born at the Circle K

 8. Bad little boys and girls get a lump of peyote

 7. When Santa hoists his bag of gifts, it is a dry heave

 6. Mormon elves on mission from North Pole Tabernacle

 5. Mrs. Claus making venison tamales

 4. Border Patrol dispatched to Isthmus of Misfit Toys

 3. Eggnog tastes suspiciously like mezcal-and-Sprite

 2. 4X4 sleigh with a twelve-inch lift kit

And the number one sign it is Christmas in Phoenix, Arizona...

 1. Then one foggy Christmas Eve, Santa came to say, "Rudolph with your fully automatic assault antlers lit so bright, won't you clear I-10 tonight?"

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/23/18)

TOP TEN SIGNS IT IS HANUKKAH IN PHOENIX, ARIZONA

Top Ten Signs it is Hanukkah in Phoenix, Arizona

10. Kids spin fully automatic assault dreidel made of clay

 9. Bubbe serves gefilte tamales

 8. Manischewitz has a worm in the bottom of the bottle

 7. Why is tonight different than any other night? It is not 117°F in the shade.

 6. Sufganiyot tastes suspiciously like a tortilla stuffed with manteca 

 5. Mormonides comes down from Utah to read the Torah

 4. Half the gelt are pesos

 3. Combo plate includes: refried latkes, carne Masada tacos, and kosher carnitas

 2. Family only has enough peyote for one night, but it lasts for eight

And the number one sign it is Hanukkah in Phoenix, Arizona...

 1. Mohel cuts off the end of your chimichanga 

-Jason Rohrblogger (12/9/18)

TOP TEN SIGNS IT IS CHRISTMAS IN BAKERSFIELD, CALIFORNIA

Top Ten Signs it is Christmas in Bakersfield, California

10. Eight tiny reindeer spotted in high density feed lot at Harris Ranch

 9. All stockings stuffed with Kern County Fair footlong corndogs

 8. Santa asks Rudolph to guide his sleigh tonight because the Air Quality Index is above five-hundred

 7. Chevron drills for oil on Island of Misfit Toys

 6. Sugar Plum fairy has six teeth and a full back tattoo

 5. Bright star seen in East just illegal fireworks

 4. Little Drummer Boy playing for three drunk line dancers at Buck Owens' Crystal Palace

 3. Santa living in RV Park off Highway 99

 2. Three Wise Men moved to Morro Bay

And the number one sign it is Christmas in Bakersfield, California...

 1. Oildale tweakers cook up a holiday batch of Christmeth

-Jason Rohrblogger

(12/24/15)

TOP TEN SIGNS IT IS HANUKKAH IN BAKERSFIELD, CALIFORNIA

Top Ten Signs it is Hanukkah in Bakersfield, California

10. Chevron fracks enough oil for one night, but it lasts for eight

 9. Maccabees fight for right to party

 8. Fine coffee normally served at Buck Owen's Crystal palace replaced with Manischewitz wine. Let's see if anyone notices.

 7. Why is tonight different from every other night? The Air Quality Index is below five-hundred.

 6. Every shiksa in Oildale gets a Star of David tramp stamp

 5. Bubbe's potato latkes taste suspiciously like Bubba's animal fries from In-n-Out Burger on Highway 99

 4. NASCAR track celebrates Festival of Light Beer

 3. Dustbowl conditions mean no clay for dreidels, kids play spin-the-bottle instead.

 2. Sufganiyot just kosher Dunkin' Donuts

And the number one sign it is Hanukkah in Bakersfield, California...

 1. Stetson yarmulkes and leather fringe prayer shawls

-Jason Rohrblogger

(12/24/15)

TOP TEN SIGNS SANTA IS GETTING TOO OLD FOR THIS

Top Ten Signs Santa is Getting Too Old for This

10. Candy cane replaced with actual cane

 9. Reindeer games now only bingo and shuffleboard

 8. Popping Geritol like sugarplums

 7. In emergency, calls on Rudolph to change his adult diapers

 6. Then: Milk and cookies

     Now: Milk of Magnesia and Ensure

 5. His joints are more accurate than the weatherman

 4. Can't fit walker down chimney

 3. "Going all night" means not getting up to pee

 2. Then: On Dasher, on Dancer! On Prancer and Vixen! 

     Now: On Dilantin, on Darvocet! On Flomax and Lasix!

And the number one sign Santa is getting too old for this...

 1. I heard him exclaim, as he rode out the dawn, "Merry Christmas to all, and stay off my lawn!"

-Jason Rohrblogger

(12/24/13)

And the alternates...

Stays away from natural foods, because he needs all the preservatives he can get

Fell asleep at the sleigh

Naughty kids given a lump of green jello

If North Pole stays frozen for longer than four hours, has to consult a physician

Used to be able to go all night at least once a year, now can barely get sled up for a few minutes

Belly shakes like a bowl full of prunes

Takes him longer to rest than it did to get tired

NORAD just tracks his pacemaker

Can't see over the sleigh, forgot the keys, and completely lost the Naughty List

AREA MAN IN PLUSH HIGH-RISE OFFICE 'BARELY SURVIVING'

After overhearing a colleague on the phone this morning, I wrote this quick "Onion"-style article:

Area Man in Plush High-rise Office 'Barely Surviving'

by Staff Business Correspondent Jason Rohrblogger

Beverly Hills--Area purchasing manager Herb Stoeffel reports that he is "Just hanging on" this morning at work.

Upon arrival in the carpeted, leather upholstered lobby, Stoeffel's administrative assistant greeted him with the news that a fresh pot of hazelnut coffee and warm glazed donuts have been delivered to the breakfast room by local vendor, Tri-state Office Equipment. Breathing a heavy sigh, Stoeffel advised his administrative assistant that "some days it's not even worth chewing through the straps to come to work, you know?" Sitting in his climate controlled office with high-speed internet and indirect lighting, Stoeffel noted that his voicemail indicator was blinking. "Will it never end?" he silently prayed to an unforgiving God.

Ten e-mails and one monthly report later, Stoeffel was blindsided by a lunch offer from his counterpart in marketing. "Morton's is out of the sea bass," marketing manager Al "Bad News" Thompson warned, "so it looks like either the Oscar-style filet mignon or the scallops croquette again."

"Why don't you just put a rusty shotgun in my stomach and pull the trigger?" Stoeffel wondered aloud, fighting to just take one breath at a time.

Adding to the impossible working conditions, Building Services announced that the number one stall in the men's room will be out of service for 45 minutes to fix a leaky water supply line with a request to use one of the other eight well-appointed, chemically deodorized stalls. "When will sweet death relieve me from this dystopian nightmare of existential doom?" Stoeffel muttered under his shallow breath. When asked by accounting receptionist Shaundra Malvo to please hold on the phone, Stoeffel replied that he is, "Barely holding it together, right now!"

"Sometimes he will just stare out of his 15th-floor corner window at the panoramic view of the Pacific Ocean for hours," observed office manager Anne-Marie Oshira. "Some days he can hardly focus or concentrate with all the problems going on. He's not the type of person you want to put on speaker during a phone conversation."

Finally informed that due to a "delay" in the mail room, all early morning packages will be personally hand-delivered to recipients by 10:30am this morning and not the usual 10:00am, Stoeffel just threw up his arms and shouted, "How are we supposed to run a business here? This is unbelievable!" Sources point out that it's not even Monday.

-Jason Rohrblogger (9/17/13)

TOP TEN FILL-IN-THE-BLANKS FOR "I'D LIKE TO ______ HER _______."

Top Ten Fill-in-the-Blanks for "I'd Like to ______ Her _______."

10. Pork, beans

 9. Batten down, hatches

 8. Wax, car

 7. Calculate, adjusted gross income

 6. Google, Yahoo

 5. Steam, clams

 4. Caulk, bathtub

 3. Trim, hedge

 2. Tack, carpet

And the number one fill-in-the-blank for "I'd like to ____ her ____..."

 1. Verb, noun

-Jason Rohrblogger
(4/30/12)

And the alternates...

Flick, Bic
Snake, drain
Kill, Bill
Seed, lawn
Shred, sensitive documents
Pillage, village
Degrease, oven
Vacuum, drapes
Check, math
Hang, blinds
Polish, brass
Flush, coolant
Seal, driveway
Stain, deck
Nail, trim

TOP TEN REJECTED BAKERIES

A friend is opening a bakery and asked for name suggestions. Here are some currant egg samples...

Top Ten Rejected Bakeries

10. Thorough Bread

 9. King of Tarts

 8. Uprising

 7. Go for Dough

 6. Half Baked

 5. Flour Power

 4. Grain Expectations

 3. La Boulingerie

 2. Batter Up

And the number one rejected bakery...

 1. L'il Yeasty's

-Jason Rohrblogger
(3/18/12)

And the alternates...

Lovin' Oven
Et Tu, Brûlée?
Dough See Dough
The Posh Nosh
In for a Penny, in for a Poundcake
Upper Crust
Cakey, Breaky, Hearth
Lox of Bagels
Dairy Home Companion
Salacious Crumbs
We Boast the Best Toast
Lick Our Spoon
Sweet Desires
Muffin Top
Cake4U
We're on a Roll
Nice Rack
Rolling in It
The French Confection
Diabetes Depot
Babycakes, Now with 10% Real Baby
Carbo Loaders
The Life of Pie
And Eat It, Too
Simple Simon's
Let Them Eat Cake
210°F
Mighty Morphin' Power Bagels
I Got Your Cupcake Right Here
Glazing the Doughnut
Butter Face
SpongeCake SquareHat
Hot Tossed Buns
Whisked Away
Gateau'd of Here!
Angel Food
The Torte Court
Chocolate Thunderballs
Neat Wheat
Queens of the Scone Age
Much Ado About Muffin
Fruitcakes in the Nuthouse
Marzy Pan's
Plum Crazy
Tiers for Flair
Wuthering Bites
Jack Frosting
Cap'n Calorie Crunch
Sugar Daddy's
Tres Leeches
Stuff Yer Cakehole!
Megaton's

TOP TEN CYNICAL VALENTINE'S DAY QUOTES

Top Ten Cynical  Valentine's Day Quotes


10. "Never go to bed mad -- stay up and fight." -Phyllis Diller


 9. "Once you have loved someone, you'd do anything in the world for them...except love them again."
       -Franklin Barnes

 8. "Love is like war: Easy to begin but hard to end." -Jan Forrest

 7. "Love has the power of making you believe what you would normally treat with the deepest suspicion."
      -Honoré Gabriel Riqueti

 6. "Three things can't be hidden: coughing, poverty, and love." -Yiddish proverb
 5. "I should like to see any kind of a man, distinguishable from a gorilla, that some good and even pretty woman could not shape a husband out of." -Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.
 4. "A woman might as well propose: her husband will claim she did." -Edgar Watson Howe

 3. "No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying." -Every Husband Ever

 2. "It is not uncommon for slight acquaintances to get married, but a couple really have to know each other to get divorced." -Willard G. Utley

And the number one cynical Valentine's Day quote...
 1. "The people people have for friends
      Your common sense appall
      But the people people marry
      Are the queerest folk of all." -Charlotte Perkins Gilman

-Jason Rohrblogger
(2/14/12)

And the alternates...

"It does not matter what you do in the bedroom as long as you do not do it in the street and frighten the horses." -Mrs. Patrick Campbell

"A happy home is one in which each spouse grants the possibility that the other may be right, though neither believes it." -Don Fraser

"If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?" -Dorothy Parker

"There are three kinds of men who do not understand women: Young, old, and middle-aged." -Anonymous (and with good reason)

TOP TEN REJECTED COOKIE FORTUNES

Top Ten Rejected Cookie Fortunes

10. Work hard and you will receive your reward tomorrow. In the afterlife.

 9. Do not worry. God sees all and forgives you. Even the stuff you did last night.

 8. As a Pisces, you should have known, that wasn't fish

 7. Work out harder and your date will like how you look. At least until the evening when you cannot get it up.

 6. Only a fool believes something written on a scrap of paper inside a stale cookie

 5. Everyone secretly agrees that your head is too small for your body

 4. The fortune you seek is in another pastry

 3. Someone has googled you recently

 2. It's all your fault

And the number one rejected cookie fortune...

 1. I found your boyfriend on Craigslist. He wasn't selling his pool table.

-Jason Rohrblogger and Dr. Rody
(2/9/12)

And the alternates...

You are not illiterate
Do not eat any Chinese food today, or you will be very sick
404 Fortune not found
You may be hungry again in one hour. Order some takeout now.
It is going to burn when you pee

JASON'S TOP TEN CURRENT AILMENTS

It appears that, by listing every ache and pain, there are folks on the internet getting more attention than me. This will not stand. Quintuple amputee? Botched gender reassignment? Sore nipples? Rest assured, no matter what the ailment, I am sicker than you. I an effort to garner endless sympathetic comments, herewith are Jason's Top Ten Current Health Issues. See you at my telethon...

Jason's Top Ten Current Ailments

10. My Renaissance Period is Late

 9. Ingrown Labia

 8. Rum Disease

 7. Cranial Yeast Infection

 6. Silky Discharge

 5. Boca Cerrada

 4. Colon Blow

 3. Weeping Prostate

 2. Syphilis Diller

And Jason's number one current health issue...

 1. His n' Herpes

-Jason Rohrblogger
(1/8/12)

And the alternates...

Chlamydia Chowder
Here Today Gonorrhea
Sexually Transmitted Unease
Prefrontal Lobe Piercing is Infected
Penile Autophagia
Subdural Michelle Bachman
Fybromyass
Earworm
Fall Down and Go Boom
Toenail Bulimia Nervosa
Shpilkes in the Genechtagazoink
Acute Anal Leakage
Total Blastoma
Rectal Havoc
Hypothalmic Arrest
Residual Halitosis

TOP TEN SIGNS SANTA HAS BEEN USING FACEBOOK AND TWITTER

10. He knows if you've been sleeping, he knows if you're awake all night playing Angry Birds

9. Sent his request to @Rudolph #WontYouGuideMySleigh Tonight?

8. Unfriended the Island of Misfit Toys

7. Those twitpics of your Halloween outfit almost put you on the Naughty List

6. The hash tag LumpOfCoal is trending in your stocking

5. Hasn't checked his e-mail since last Christmas

4. Missed delivering gifts to all of New Jersey because Blitzen stopped to harvest his crops in Farmville

3. All letters to Santa must be 140 characters or less

2. Just checked-in to your chimney on Yelp

And the number one sign Santa has been using Facebook and Twitter...

1. Requests streaming milk and cookies directly to his iSled

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/25/11)

101 THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE

101 Things I Want to Do Before I Die

1. Run for Mayor of Funkytown

2. Go to the Wailing Wall and yell, "Hey, Kool-Aid!"

3. Finally pay off my tab at Hooters

4. Double down on a pair of twos in Vegas, baby, Vegas

5. Make a movie starring midgets, crossdressers, and a pink chihuahua

6. Go paraspelunking

7. Date a zoologist

8. Memorize the Qur'an backwards

9. Give a lecture series on banditry

10. Sing the entire libretto to Puccini's "Gianni Schicchi" at karaoke

11. Start a bachata band but insist on playing it conjunto-style

12. Join the La Leche League

13. Photograph a leprechaun breaking a wild unicorn in the Tropic of Cancer

14. Play it cool for awhile

15. Take up smoking

16. Learn how to pilot a paper airplane

17. Buy one of Aerosmith's guitar pics on eBay

18. Three-day backcountry bivouac in Beverly Hills

19. Fly, captain, fly on a mystery ship

20. Yell "THEATER!" in a crowded fire

21. Finish translating "The Epic of Gilgamesh" into Valley Girl

22. Quell an uprising

23. Finally lose at Jeopardy

24. Slap a parking enforcement officer

25. Graduate High school

26. Mosey

27. Read the entire ingredient list on a packet of ketchup

28. Road trip

29. Backup Jennifer Aniston's hard drive

30. Fly in a jet

31. Cry over spilled milk

32. Finish writing my manifesto

33. Fish for Great White Plankton

34. Die and come back

35. Pirate a video about pirates

36. Sail in the Baltic Sea

37. Visit the DMV in the Congo

38. Complete the Marlboro Marathon

39. Lead a full-scale land invasion of Kate Winslet

40. Spend more time at the office

41. Be a stunt man for a major film

42. Read the entire collected works of Margaret Mitchell

43. Hang out with a monkey

44. Walk the plank

45. Sell a chicken at an open-air market

46. Sketch Chernobyl at sunset

47. Do fifty crunches in less than a year

48. Fly too close to the sun

49. Eat at Ed's

50. Play H.O.R.S.E with Kobe Bryant

51. Spit fire

52. Be a spokesman for phlebotomy

53. Put a dollar in the Statue of Liberty's g-string

54. Tour with Tito Jackson

55. Spill the beans

56. Set a world record

57. Kill a real live zombie

58. Cry havoc

59. Take a mime class in Mandarin

60. Run amok

61. Introduce a hippie chick to Ayn Rand

62. Locate the Lost City of Detroit

63. Strike anywhere

64. Build a raft using only coconut hulls and a stick of gum

65. Outsource Michael Moore to China

66. Fill a Jacuzzi with whipped cream and Tabasco sauce

67. Mess with those British dudes who don't move

68. Party with Gabe Kaplan

69. Fence a stolen ketchup packet

70. Reconcile proto-Marxist feminist ideology with a milkshake that brings all the boys to the yard

71. Tell Ricky Martin to shut up

72. Eat sushi with Aquaman

73. Sew a split personality back together

74. Represent

75. Filter water using only my own sense of right and wrong

76. Compete in a krumping competition

77. Smoke a boneless rubber chicken

78. Build an Easter basket out of extruded aluminum

79. Have a cool mural painted on my car

80. Act in a school play within a school play about a school play

81. Compete in a hot dog eating competition

82. Neutralize that one Teletubby that looks at me funny

83. Give out free hugs

84. Describe a color that no one has ever seen before

85. Finally look before I leap

86. Point out the obsequious

87. Learn a bunch of stuff

88. Come to love the smell of Napalm in the morning

89. Lens my Donny Osmond biopic

90. Get into a rap battle

91. Swim the Ganges River at high pyre

92. Pledge allegiance to McDonald's, Disneyland, and Budweiser

93. Frankly give a damn

94. Wish upon a starfish

95. Finish third for once

96. Set the voices in my head to music

97. Play jai alai

98. Jump through a glass window

99. Learn to make tacos provençale

100. Get a Burma shave

And the 101st thing I want to do before I die is...

101. Date übermodel Gabourey Sidibe

-Jason Rohrblogger
(4/5/11)

TOP TEN PET FOOD STORE NAMES

Note: a friend is opening up a pet food store in Chandler, AZ and has solicited help with store names. Herewith are my...

Top Ten Pet Food Store Names

10. Hot Dogs and Cool Cats

9. Haute Dogs and Fat Cats

8. Indiana Bones the Temple of Gruel

7. Millionhairs

6. Pam-Purred Pets

5. Phi-Dough

4. Snoop Doggy Grog

3. Iams What Iams

2. Growl Bowl

And the number one pet food store name...

1. The Manic Organic

-Jason Rohrblogger
(2/10/11)

And the alternates...

Animal Crackers
The Masticating Mongrel
Collar and Leash
Bonedaddy
I Can Haz Catfoodz?
Beast Buffet
The Critter Counter
The Tabby Table
Smorgasdog
The Need for Feed
Fois Claw
Free Range Alpo
Bow Wow Barn
For the Birds
Party Animal
The Gilded Retch
Doggie Style
Trash Can Sam's
Atomic Dog
Bow Wow Wow Yipee Yo Yipee Yay
Eau de Toilette
Kitty Vittles
Pet Project
Got Milk?
Pussy and Pooch Pethouse Pets
Blue Collar Bites
The Mangy Morsel
Purina Chow Chow Chow
Cat Comestibles
Kitten Cuisine
Labrador Larder
Kennel Ration
Puppy Pablum
Snake Snacks
Fido Feast
Poodle Provisions
Benji Bread
Collie Cooking
Fox Fodder
Feline Fare

TOP TEN BANNED PHRASES 2011

Top Ten Banned Phrases 2011

10. LOL

9. Mortgage meltdown

8. Fail

7. BFF

6. Refudiate

5. Friend as a verb

4. Man up

3. _____ is like Hitler.

2. Epic

And the number one banned phrase 2011

1. Blood libel

-Jason Rohrblogger
(1/20/11)

TOP TEN RAIN ONE LINERS

Note: Los Angeles has had unprecedented precipitation breaking all records for the month of December. Herewith are my...

Top Ten Rain One Liners

10. The rain is so bad I just got pulled over by the Coast Guard on the 405 Freeway

9. I was cited for not having enough life jackets in my Corolla

8. The rain is so bad the carpool lane has a diving board

7. The rain is so bad that Christopher Cross song doesn't sound so relaxing anymore

6. There is so much water in the sky, I saw a bird wearing swim fins

5. The water table is up to my kitchen table

4. The rain is so bad my rainbow sank

3. The rain is so bad McDonald's has a swim-thru window

2. The rain is so bad Jay Leno is driving a fleet of submarines

And the number one rain one liner...

1. The rain is so bad George W. Bush is sending Michel D. Brown to see what all the hubbub is about

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/29/10)

And the alternates...

Kevin Costner just green lit a Water World sequel
Nemo found at a Lakers game
Little Mermaid no longer wishing for legs
Live crabs at Red Lobster make a break for it
Ke$ha finally caught in a shower
Tommy Chong high, but not dry
Endless parade of Hummers have a reason for three feet of ground clearance
Graffiti completely washed from the concrete walls of the Los Angeles River
Paparazzi using periscopes
Noah Wyle seen building an ark
Deadliest Catch shot in South Central
Variety declares: "Drought Out! Fins in!"
LAX only open to Hydroplanes
Real Estate literally underwater

TOP TEN REJECTED CHRISTMAS TELEVISION SPECIALS

Top Ten Rejected Christmas Television Specials

10. A Very Special Awkward Aunt Meets Drunken Uncle Christmas

9. A Very Special Ludachristmas

8. Mediocre Mel's Very Average Christmas

7. Behind the North Pole

6. You're No Longer Relevant, Charlie Brown

5. A Very Special Muslim Mouse Meets Christian Cat

4. Pope Benediddy's Xtreme Xmas Rockin' Eve!

3. How the Grinch Stole $500 Billion in Unsecured Stock Derivatives

2. Bethlehem Idol

And the number one rejected Christmas television special...

1. Rabbi Shmuley Boteach's Claymation Dradle-fest 2010

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/5/10)

And the alternates...

A Very Special Happy Holidays from Salem Sally the Procrastinating Witch Who Should Have Had Her Special Out in Time for Halloween

The Littlest Prostitute

Chrizzy in the Hizzy: MC Screwj Bitch Slaps Christmas

Blitzen in Lockdown: A North Pole Prison Tail

4.5% Amortized 'til New Years: The Federal Reserve Saves Christmas

A Very Special Home Invasion

Year Without a Santa Clause, Easter Bunny, or Tooth Fairy

A Kwanzaa Karol

101st Reindeer Airborne take Tora Bora for Baby Jesus

For Whom the Sleigh Bell Tolls