TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR OPRAH BOOK CLUB MEMOIR IS NOT REAL

Top Ten Signs Your Oprah Book Club Memoir Is Not Real

10. Protagonist named Figment "Ficty" McFiction

9. Author notes state she was born on the planet Alderaan and currently resides with her husband on Naboo

8. Denouement reveals return to stasis involving a love triangle with a giant ape and hot blonde silent-film star

7. Writer claims he got out of prison, annexed the Sudetenland, blitzkrieged the French, and conquered Poland

6. Main character spends Tuesdays with Morrie, Wednesdays with a one-legged prostitute, and Fridays fishing with Batman

5. Claims that he didn't inhale STILL don't ring true

4. Memoirist's former paramour dispels myth that she will "git, git, git, git you drunk/git you love drunk off my hump."

3. Contemporary associates witness subject turning wine into water, watering on a walk, and sicking the heel

2. Insists he lost his virginity to a 100-year-old Afrikaner in 14th century Vienna

And the number one sign your Oprah Book Club memoir is not real...

1. Patiently explains to Larry King, once again, how he accompanied Hunter S. Thompson to church every Sunday

-Jason Rohrblogger
(01/26/06)

And the alternates...

Last three chapters written in the second person
Cisco Kid was not a friend of his
Probably invented the Meat Lover's pizza, but cannot verify creation of military form of covert messaging known as "puff, puff, pass."
Maintains he gave Mother Theresa her rainbow dolphin back-tattoo
Could not have translated the Book of Mormon into binary Mayan hieroglyphics

MEME-O-RAMA

Meme-O-Rama

Zeeks and Jenn have passively tagged me...

Four Jobs I've Had:

1. Insurance Litigation Specialist
2. Film Producer
3. Dining Room Captain
4. Karate Instructor

Four Places I've Lived:

1. Chicago
2. Los Angeles
3. Miami
4. Jackson Hole

Movies I'd Watch Again:

1. Flashdance
2. Grease
3. Sound of Music
4. Scarface

TV Shows I love to Watch:

1. Saturday Night Live
2. The Daily Show
3. Talk Soup
4. Real Time with Bill Maher

Four of My Favorite Foods:

1. Filet Mignon
2. Bacon
3. Chicken
4. Crab

Four Places I'd Rather be Right Now:

1. Sharkeez in Hermosa Beach
2. Club Sugar in Santa Monica
3. Laff's in Tucson
4. Peter's in Calgary

Four Bloggers I'd Like to Tag:

1. Margaret Cho
2. Geraldo Rivera
3. Hillary Clinton
4. Tom Sizemore

-Jason Rohrblogger
(01/24/06)

TOP TEN REJECTED NATIONAL MONUMENTS

Top Ten Rejected National Monuments

10. Freddie "Boom Boom" Washington Monument

9. Carlsbadass Caverns

8. Samuel L. Jackson Memorial

7. The Grand Kanyé

6. Mount St. Ellen's-A-Lesbo

5. The Grand Tetons of Salma Hayek

4. Lincoln Continental Memorial

3. Redwood Forrest Gump

2. Colonel Sanders' Petrified Beard

And the number one rejected national monument...

1. Angelina Jolie's Liposaurus Preserve

-Ken Bloggerts and Jason Rohrblogger
(01/21/06)

And the alternates...

Green Day Lake o' Snot & Mascara
Bill Gates' 1st Billion
eBay of Pigs
Tara Reid's Snake River Canyon (burro rides now available)
iPod Gardens

TOP TEN CHANGES IF MICROSOFT WERE RUN BY THE MOB

Top Ten Changes if Microsoft Were Run by the Mob

10. Programmers given character-trait nicknames like Joey "Fingers" C++ and Chan "Anti-Virus" Fong.

9. Netscape voluntarily removes it's search engine from the market and leaves town.

8. Error message informs user that deleted files "Sleep with the fishes."

7. Bill Gates kills an underperforming minion at dinner with his Autoexec Bat.

5. Steve Jobs played by Joe Pesci in the made-for-cable movie.

4. Suppliers who don't "play ball" find themselves tossed through a Window98.

3. New ad slogan: "Use a Mac and Get Whacked"

2. Net access controlled by a 350 pound Sicilian mute.

And the number one change if Microsoft were run by the mob...

1. Microsoft STILL dominates the market with underhanded business practices.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/24/99)

TOP TEN PROJECTS IN DEVELOPMENT AT 7-11

Top Ten Projects In Development At 7-11

10. Nachos on a stick

9. A microwave, with no knobs or door, that spits out your food when done

8. Stealth Slurpee

7. Hard liquor containing pornographic lottery tickets

6. A refillable logo commuter mug lined with refined Uranium to keep your coffee 5800 degrees Kelvin for up to one million years

5. An edgier New York Peppermint Patty

4. Coffee with nicotine

3. An environmentally conscious Compact Gulp

2. Drive-thru video games

And the number one project in development at 7-11...

1. A gas pump that also dispenses jalapeño chili dogs that freshen your breath

-Jason Rohrblogger
(01/20/99)

TOP TEN LEAST POPULAR NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS

Top Ten Least Popular New Year's Resolutions

10. Smoke more crack

9. Alphabetize all the soup

8. Upgrade from DOS to Windows 2.0

7. Eat at 7-11 more often

6. Work out kinks in wind powered fan

5. Act like a sissy boy

4. Do more laundry

3. Complete cheddar-based doomsday device. Finally show them all.

2. Catch up on the sequels

And the number one least popular New Year's resolution...

1. Make more empty promises to myself

-Jason Rohrblogger
(01/02/03)

Make less sense
Speak more Elvish
Spend more quality time cleaning bait
Gut more fish
Climb every mountain, ford every stream