Top Ten Infrequently Asked Questions
10. They shoot horses, don't they?
9. Is this the beer line?
8. Are you my mommy?
7. If a picture paints a thousand words, then why can't I paint you?
6. What's up, Chuck?
5. I can has cheezburger?
4. ¿Qué onda, güey?
3. Why can't I be more Cheney-like?
2. Does Alice live here?
And the number one infrequently asked question...
1. Did you just pour hot grits down my pants?
-Jason Rohrblogger
(8/31/08)
Big thanks to Jack over at Fat Jack's Erratic Rants for linking to my Top Ten Things that Sound Dirty in the Bible but Aren't list.
He's got other fun Bible-themed links here and here.
I'll be going to Hell, but with shout-outs like this, my ego won't fit through the door...
Thanks for the blog love, Jack!
-Rohrblogger
Most menus read like they were written in a hyperbolic chamber. Herewith are my...
Top Ten Menu Descriptions of Jason Rohrblogger's Top Ten
10. Sarcasm-covered sarcasm with a creamy sarcasm filling
9. Hand-battered funny on a bed of list
8. Beechwood-aged references sauced with smoked irrelevance and sage-barley stupidity
7. Organic California-grown social commentary rolled in pun crumbs
6. Pan-seared politics encrusted with five peppercorniness
5. Medallions of premise stuffed with sweet punch- and tag-lines en croute
4. Marinated pop-culture drizzled with wood-fired obscurity
3. Wit-cured salted offensiveness dished family-style
2. Fine humor normally served replaced with Folger's Crystals. Let's see if anyone notices.
And the number one menu description of Jason Rohrblogger's Top Ten...
1. Maplewood rosettes of wacky topped with jumbo Arizona gags, laced with smoked opacity and covered with a rosemary and olive oil grilled laugh chop, and a pineapple bread-crusted fillet of acerbity, presented with a side of creamy comedy polenta and bathed with an oven-roasted apple and cinnamon farce reduction of percipience bordelaise
-Grand Chef Rohrblogger
(10/4/06)
Top Ten Things that Sound Dirty in the Bible but Aren't
10. "And thou shalt take this rod in thine hand, wherewith thou shalt do wonders."
(Exodus 4:17)
9. "Who will come against me?"
(Jeremiah 49:4)
8. "His fruit was sweet to my taste."
(Song of Solomon 2:3)
9. "I will make you as firm as a rock, as hard as a diamond."
(Ezekiel 3:9)
7. "Sir, you have no bucket, and the well is deep."
(John 4:11)
6. "My mouth praises thee with joyful lips, when I think of thee upon my bed."
(Psalms 63:6)
5. "Go, call your husband, and come back."
(John 4:16)
4. "His seed shall be mighty upon the earth."
(Psalms 112:2)
3. "He looked, and behold, the bush was burning with fire, yet the bush was not consumed."
(Exodus 3:2)
2. "He will also keep you firm to the end."
(1st Corinthians 1:8)
And the number one thing that sounds dirty in the Bible but isn't...
1. "Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me."
(Psalms 23:4)
-Jason Rohrblogger
(8/25/08)
Hey, where am I going in this hand basket?
And the alternates:
"Take, eat; this is my body."
(1st Corinthians 12:23)
"So because thou art lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spew thee out of my mouth."
(Revelation 3:16)
"For if a woman is not covered, let her also be shaved."
(1st Corinthians 11:6)
"My love thrust his hand through the opening, and my feelings were stirred for him."
(Song of Solomon 5:2)
"You must go back to your mistress and submit to her."
(Genesis 16:9)
"Put your finger here and observe My hands. Reach out your hand and put it into My side."
(John 20:27)
Top Ten Rejected Municipal Slogans for California Cities
10. No Hoes Like Tahoes
9. Get Baked in Bakersfield
8. Gilroy: Garlic Breath Capitol of the World
7. Armpittsburg
6. Ante Up in Antioch
5. Take a Nap in Napa
4. It's Always 4:20-nine in Twentynine Palms
3. Madera: Smell Our Dairy Air!
2. San Fran-friggintastic!
And the number one rejected municipal slogan for a California city...
1. Los Angeles: Your Pacific Rim Job Headquarters
-Jason Rohrblogger
(8/21/08)
Top Ten Surprises at My High School Reunion
10. That one girl who started having babies in high school - and never stopped
9. The kids who worshiped Billy Idol then, are burned out like him now
8. The fat men and bald women
7. What twenty years of steroids did to that jock's face
6. Classmates who have children with more graduate school than me
5. Finding out my Secret Crush grew up to be a butch lesbian
4. I was voted most likely to piss and moan all the way to the grave
3. Some teachers never die
2. I STILL don't understand my peers
And the number one surprise at my high school reunion...
1. It's never too late to drive a bitchen Camaro and do burnouts in the Dairy Queen parking lot
-Jason Rohrblogger
(8/18/08)
Crumblord recently posted about how lame Muppet Babies are. Nobody puts babies in a corner! Herewith are my...
Top Ten Rejected Baby Versions
10. Tikes of Hazzard
9. The A-Teen
8. The Greatest American Fetus
7. Knight Nursers
6. Babewatch
5. Infant-asy Island
4. Water Baby Babies
3. Charlie's Adolescents
2. Neonate & Allie
And the number one rejected baby version...
1. The Baby Bunch
-Jason Rohrblogger
(9/19/06)
And the alternates...
Teen Acres
Newborn Jack City
McHale's Natal
Babycoat Junction
Embryo Loves Chachi
The Six Million Dollar Manchild
24...Months
Baby and the Bear
Miami Diapers
CSI Daycare
Freebie and the Tween
Fifty Rita Rudner Quotes on Men
50. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates really hard, he can help his team. If his team is in trouble, he coaches the players from the living room. If they are really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
49. If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.
48. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
47. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
46. All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.
44. The way a man looks at himself in the mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.
44. Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to KNOW.
43. Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.
42. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow instead of a gun.
41. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
40. Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.
39. All men hate to hear "We need to talk." No matter what the subject is, these seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Norman Schwarzkopf.
38. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log doesn't burn, he will take it personally.
37. Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.
36. All men think they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.
35. Men do not get cellulite. Another point for God possibly being a man.
34. Men have an easier time shopping for a bathing suit. Women have two types: Depressing and More depressing! Men have two types: Nerdy and Not Nerdy.
33. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in the winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
32. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo!"
31. Most men hate to shop. That is why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
30. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
29. If you are dating a man who you think might be Mr. Right if he only: A) got older B) got a new job or C) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a rude awakening. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
28. Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get looser, baggier and longer.
27. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
26. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
25. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
24. Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
23. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie "The Way We Were" twice, voluntarily.
22. Most women are introspective. "Am I In Love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"
21. If a man says "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't FORGET... he didn't LOSE your number... he didn't DIE! He just didn't want to call you.
20. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."
19. Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of the sight of women.
18. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.
17. Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch: "Thanks." On the other side, "Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."
16. Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.
15. Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
14. Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.
13. Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.
12. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheroes. Women have bad self images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
11. When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume his clothing has shrunk.
10. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause: you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
9. Men forget everything. Women remember everything.
8. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.
7. Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
6. All men would still really like to own a train set.
5. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
4. If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.
3. Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the "nice" of bald.
2. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
And the number one Rita Rudner quote on men...
1. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
-Jason Rohrblogger
(8/8/08)
Top Ten Rejected Summer Olympic Events
10. Superbadminton
9. Crack and Field
8. Salma Kayak
7. Water Polio
6. Synchronized Bitching
5. Web Surfing
4. Menstrual Cycling
3. Insurgency
2. Lohan Stalking
And the number one rejected Summer Olympic event...
1. Water Boarding
-Jason Rohrblogger
(8/8/08)
And the alternates...
Dumpster Diving
Wrastlin'
Freebasing
Handball with Chris Matthews
Sock Her
Fountain Biking
Ann Archery
Extreme Ironing
Centathalon
Props
I like my gossip like I like my guacamole: spicy. I'm sending much love out to Spicy Pants over at Celebrity Smack for linking to my Top Ten Classes I'd Like to See Offered in High School post and blowing my stats like Andy Dick's nose.
I'm just one tiny humorlet in the Bright Shiny Blogosphere and Spicy sends me traffic like I'm Britney Revisited.
Also...
Darby Clark over at Muse with Me has written a Jason-inspired Top Ten List that made me spurt Johnnie Walker out my nose.
If I have to put my drink down, it's funny.
I got nothing but mad link-love for my two internet peeps above...
-Jason Rohrblogger
(8/5/08)
Top Ten Classes I'd Like to See Offered in High School
10. Beginning Marriage
Pre-requisites: Debate, Advanced Boyfriend/Girlfriend (Cannot be taken concurrently)
Endlessly argue about minor things from what's for dinner, to major life decisions about where to live and work. Give up half your closet space and all of your freedom.
9. Advanced Divorce
Topics include: failure, loneliness, and bankruptcy. Midterm is a court-appointed session with a psychologist. Final exam requires you spend one weekend a month convincing two wet-eyed preschoolers that mommy and daddy still love them.
8. Sick Kid (Offered as Night Course Only)
Spend the entire semester at night in actual waiting rooms on hard plastic chairs with a small child in distress. Comfort yourself that at least your kid isn't as messed up as the other freakshows seeking help. Contract whatever exotic disease your precious angel brought home from that seething cesspit called daycare. At the end of this course successful students will be able to go without sleep, health insurance, or a diagnosis.
7. Soul-crushing Job (Internship)
Ignore all basic human qualities of pride, creativity, and self-determination while filling out TPS reports in a 3x3-foot cubicle. Midterm will require you sacrifice pay, status, and self-respect in deference to vague undefined corporate goals set by hostile management with less education that you. Final grade will be based on how well you do this without being noticed or singled-out for any reason.
6. Advanced Girlfriend
Learn to apologize, how wrong you are, and that it's your fault, while explaining just where the hell you have been. Rack up bottomless cell phone charges calling to check-in. During the term of this course, students will not be allowed to watch an entire game or sleep through Oprah. Limited access to beer, chicken wings, and buddies. Midterm is an oral exam to talk about your feelings. Final exam is an unassisted major jewelry purchase.
5. Conversational Boyfriend I
Mandatory lab supplies: new clothes, new shoes, new haircut
Blow your paycheck at the mall and submit to a Brazilian wax. Drink caustic cosmos while the instructor drones on endlessly about his car and his mother. Midterm is a "date" at Hooters to discuss the ultimate fantasy football lineup. Final grades will be released if he calls you back.
4. Insurance Claim (Lab)
Meet three hours a day, three days a week, in the phone lab to be put on hold waiting to speak with an insurance adjuster in Bangladesh. Attempt to decipher your policy, deductible, and coverage. Explore modern techniques to deal with interminable delay, how to document minutiae, and claim denial. Final exam is a take-home essay to the Department of Insurance explaining what happened in detail and requesting relief.
3. Intermediate Banking
Deposit your money and then attempt to withdraw it in one of three ways: Students will learn to navigate a menu-driven ATM written in hieroglyphics, try to cash a check, or balance a debit card statement.
Note: A $5.00 fee is charged every time you to speak to the instructor personally.
2. Run for Local Government
Pick an issue and run for the minor office of your choice. If elected, students will attend mind-numbing policy meetings embroiled in subviolent debates about retaining-wall permits and barking dogs. You will balance a budget, comply with state and federal mandated bullshit, and endure thankless pancake breakfasts. Final exam includes running for higher office and being summarily trounced by a local weatherman wearing a feather boa.
And the number one class I'd like to see offered in high school...
1. Buy a House (Colloquium)
Pre-requisite: Soul-crushing Job (Must be taken concurrently)
Recommended: Insurance Claim (Lab)
This class requires a year's salary as a deposit. Then mortgage your future and freedom while filling out more paperwork than a law clerk. Be prepared to prove where all of your money has come from including your allowance when you were twelve and any change found in your couch cushions. First half of semester will be spent attempting to get a loan officer to return your phone call. Second half of semester will be spent translating what the loan officer said into English. Your final exam is a complete kitchen and bathroom remodel for older homes, or processing multiple construction defect claims for newer homes. No grades will be released until escrow closes.
-Jason Rohrblogger
(8/3/08)
