A big thank-you to Spicy Pants over at Celebrity Smack for linking to my Pope Benedict Excuses list and blowing up my stats like Sandra Bullock's marriage! Celebrity Smack is a daily visit for me as Spicy expounds on all things gossip. Check it, fool!
Thank you for the blog love, Spicy Pants!
-Jason Rohrblogger
Top Ten Pope Benedict Excuses
10. Those altar boys were asking for it the way they were wearing those vestments
9. A few bad apostles are spoiling the whole church
8. Clerical error
7. All these issues happened in the past and there is no more abuse going on today
6. Should have never canonized St. Peter Asty
5. Per papal doctrine, abused children were never forced to get abortions
4. For easier identification, priests now required to carry candy and drive windowless vans
3. Just trying to keep up with the Mormons
2. What's a little sacrament in the vestibule among friends? Wink-wink
And the number one Pope Benedict excuse...
1. So confident that the problems are fixed, Pope Benedict is sending his own son off to the seminary
-Jason Rohrblogger
(4/27/10)
And the alternate...
Would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for those meddling kids!
Top Ten Ladies
10. Godiva
9. Bird Johnson
8. In Waiting
7. Luck
6. Fingers
5. Chatterly's Lover
4. Bug
3. Liberty
2. Madonna
And the number one lady...
1. Diana
-Jason Rohrblogger
(4/24/10)
And the alternates...
Antebellum
Hawke
In Red
Jane Grey
Business
MacBeth
Elaine Fairchild
Foot Locker
Lay, Lay Across My Big Brass Bed
's Room
Smith Black Mambazo
Sings the Blues
Gaga
Top Ten Goldman Sachs Excuses
10. Thought working folks would be more willing to give up their pension plans to fund executive bonuses
9. Sachs of gold were getting low
8. Volcano in Europe caused them to take bad risks
7. Merely made a fraudian slip
6. Don't believe the children are our future
5. Ex junk bond junkies getting high on toxic mortgages, what could go wrong?
4. Got online MBA from Hurvurd Univarsity
3. Don't hate the player, hate the game
2. Replaced the fine investments normally sold with Folger's Crystals
And the number one Goldman Sachs excuse...
1. Their congressmen got repossessed once they stopped making payments
-Jason Rohrblogger
(4/21/10)
Top Ten Rejected Taverns
10. DUI Fridays
9. Derivatives
8. Owl's
7. Archie's Bunker
6. Molester's
5. Mile Fifteen Gas-n-Chug
4. Messiah's
3. Bad News Beers
2. O'Guilty's
And the number one rejected tavern...
1. Osama's Hideaway
-Jason Rohrblogger
(04/03/07)
And the alternate...
Culpa Cabana
Top Ten Rejected Prom Themes
10. Voyage to the Bottom of My Pants
9. Almost Pregnant
8. The Mourning After
7. Fleeting Youth
6. Thirty Seconds to Blast Off
5. Awkward Fumbling
4. Parental Consent
3. A Strong Heart for the Lord
2. Prenatal Care
And the number one rejected prom theme...
1. Xtreme Sobriety
-Jason Rohrblogger
(04/16/07)
Top Ten Signs California is Bankrupt
10. Retirees now given a handshake and a can of soup
9. Elementary schools converted directly to prisons
8. San Diego sold to Tijuana for six tacos, a piñata filled with salsa, and a ceramic Bart Simpson lawn ornament
7. Every car stopped on the 405 freeway issued a parking ticket
6. All of First Lady Maria Shriver's dresses look suspiciously like Governor's Mansion curtains
5. California State income tax extended to Arizona, Nevada, and Oregon
4. Mayor of Los Angeles down to emergency backup mistress
3. Golden Gate stolen from bridge
2. State Comptroller parlays entire fiscal 2010 on Jack's Back to place in the third
And the number one sign California is bankrupt...
1. Census takers legally allowed to check your couch cushions for change
-Jason Rohrblogger
(4/9/10)
And the alternates...
Five-dollar cover and two-drink minimum on all Disneyland rides
State now playing own lottery
LAPD running out of gas before they can catch and beat suspects
Silicon Valley in foreclosure
Mt. Shasta available for weddings, bar mitzvahs, quinceañeras, and funerals
Spruce Goose sold for kindling
Schwarzenegger's new catchphrase, "Remember when I said I'd bankrupt you last? I lied."
Top Ten Rejected Panda Express Menu Items
10. Baby Greens and Baby Panda
9. Sweet and Sour Bologna
8. Octopusicle
7. Fire-roasted Charcoal
6. Honey Walnut Toenails
5. Boom Boom Kung Pao
4. Pol Potsticker
3. Tangy Baboon
2. Deflowered Egg Soup
And the number one rejected Panda Express menu item...
1. Fortune Nookie
-Jason Rohrblogger
(4/6/10)
And the alternates...
Crispy Mongolian
Chicken Chicka Wow Wow
Segregated Vegetables
Cashew Hashish
Chow-chow Mein
Fried Lice
Real Housewives of Orange Chicken
General Tso's Heroin
Panderin' Mandarin Shrimp
Pork Bastard
Chickity China the Chinese Chicken, Have a Drumstick and Your Brain Stops Tickin'
Top Ten Reasons Jesus Returned After Three Days
10. Couldn't wait to see the look on Thomas' face
9. Lost His halo at the craps table in Hell
8. Forgot to turn off His iron
7. Wanted to see Peter's cotton tail
6. Spring break!
5. Had to back-up Luke and Artoo on the final run to the exhaust port just below the main port
4. Voiceover stated, "He's back. And this time, it's personal!"
3. Missed dessert at the Last Supper
2. Was finally ready to settle down and go to work for His Father
And the number one reason Jesus returned after three days...
1. Wanted to prove His death was a cruci-fiction (sorry)
-Jason Rohrblogger
(4/3/10)
