Bryan Crockett over at Dad's on a Rant Again featured my Ann Coulter list nicely in one of his posts. His profile also states he likes Eva Cassidy who is one of my all time fave singers of all time ever in the history of rhythmic sound. So he's got that going for him. Which is nice.
Thanks for the shout out Bryan!
-Rohrblogger
Top Ten Quotes from the Coultergeist
10. "Congress could pass a law tomorrow requiring that all aliens from Arabic countries leave....We should require passports to fly domestically. Passports can be forged, but they can also be checked with the home country in case of any suspicious-looking swarthy males." -After the 9/11 attacks
9. "People are hysterical about speech right now. Everyone's comments are being taken out of context and wildly misinterpreted." -Washington Post
8. "[Clinton] masturbates in the sinks." -Rivera Live 8/2/99
7. "God gave us the earth. We have dominion over the plants, the animals, the trees. God said, 'Earth is yours. Take it. Rape it. It's yours.'" -Hannity & Colmes, 6/20/01
6. The "backbone of the Democratic Party" is a "typical fat, implacable welfare recipient" -syndicated column 10/29/99
5. To a disabled Vietnam vet: "People like you caused us to lose that war." -MSNBC
4. "Women like Pamela Harriman and Patricia Duff are basically Anna Nicole Smith from the waist down. Let's just call it for what it is. They're whores." -Salon.com 11/16/00
3. Juan Gonzales is "Cuba's answer to Joey Buttafuoco," a "miscreant," "sperm-donor," and a "poor man's Hugh Hefner." -Rivera Live 5/1/00
2. On Princess Diana's death: "Her children knew she's sleeping with all these men. That just seems to me, it's the definition of 'not a good mother.' ... Is everyone just saying here that it's okay to ostentatiously have premarital sex in front of your children?"..."[Diana is] an ordinary and pathetic and confessional - I've never had bulimia! I've never had an affair! I've never had a divorce! So I don't think she's better than I am." -MSNBC 9/12/97
And the number one Ann Coulter quote...
1. "I think there should be a literacy test and a poll tax for people to vote." -Hannity & Colmes, 8/17/99
-Jason Rohrblogger
(08/09/07)
And the alternates...
"I think [women] should be armed but should not [be allowed to] vote." -Politically Incorrect, 2/26/01
"If you don't hate Clinton and the people who labored to keep him in office, you don't love your country." -George, 7/99
"We're now at the point that it's beyond whether or not this guy is a horny hick. I really think it's a question of his mental stability. He really could be a lunatic. I think it is a rational question for Americans to ask whether their president is insane." -Equal Time
"It's enough [to be impeached] for the president to be a pervert." -The Case Against Bill Clinton, Coulter's 1998 book.
"Clinton is in love with the erect penis." -This Evening with Judith Regan, Fox News Channel 2/6/00
"I think we had enough laws about the turn-of-the-century. We don't need any more." Asked how far back would she go to repeal laws, she replied, "Well, before the New Deal...[The Emancipation Proclamation] would be a good start." -Politically Incorrect 5/7/97
"If they have the one innocent person who has ever to be put to death this century out of over 7,000, you probably will get a good movie deal out of it." -MSNBC 7/27/97
"If those kids had been carrying guns they would have gunned down this one [child] gunman. ... Don't pray. Learn to use guns." -Politically Incorrect, 12/18/97
"The presumption of innocence only means you don't go right to jail." -Hannity & Colmes 8/24/01
"I have to say I'm all for public flogging. One type of criminal that a public humiliation might work particularly well with are the juvenile delinquents, a lot of whom consider it a badge of honor to be sent to juvenile detention. And it might not be such a cool thing in the 'hood to be flogged publicly." -MSNBC 3/22/97
"Originally, I was the only female with long blonde hair. Now, they all have long blonde hair." -CapitolHillBlue.com 6/6/00
"I am emboldened by my looks to say things Republican men wouldn't." -TV Guide 8/97
"Let's say I go out every night, I meet a guy and have sex with him. Good for me. I'm not married." -Rivera Live 6/7/00
"Anorexics never have boyfriends. ... That's one way to know you don't have anorexia, if you have a boyfriend." -Politically Incorrect 7/21/97
"I think [Whitewater]'s going to prevent the First Lady from running for Senate." -Rivera Live 3/12/99
"My track record is pretty good on predictions." -Rivera Live 12/8/98
"The thing I like about Bush is I think he hates liberals." -Washington Post 8/1/00
On Rep. Christopher Shays (D-CT) in deciding whether to run against him as a Libertarian candidate: "I really want to hurt him. I want him to feel pain." -Hartford Courant 6/25/99
"The swing voters - I like to refer to them as the idiot voters because they don't have set philosophical principles. You're either a liberal or you're a conservative if you have an IQ above a toaster. " -Beyond the News, Fox News Channel, 6/4/00
"My libertarian friends are probably getting a little upset now but I think that's because they never appreciate the benefits of local fascism." -MSNBC 2/8/97
"You want to be careful not to become just a blowhard." -Washington Post 10/16/98
Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Top Ten Celebrity Answers
10. DR. PHIL - The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the road before it goes after the problem on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his "CURRENT" problems before adding "NEW" problems.
9. GEORGE W. BUSH - We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
8. OPRAH - Well I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
7. COLIN POWELL - Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...
6. ANDERSON COOPER FROM CNN - We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
5. HILLARY CLINTON - Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
4. NANCY GRACE FROM COURT TV - That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
3. PAT BUCHANAN - To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
2. MARTHA STEWART - No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
And the number one celebrity answer...
1. COLONEL SANDERS - Did I miss one?
-Jason Rohrblogger
(08/06/07)
And the alternates...
DR SEUSS - Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why he crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY - To die in the rain. Alone.
JERRY FALWELL - Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's why they call it the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.
GRANDPA SIMPSON - In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS - Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON - Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
ARISTOTLE - It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
BILL GATES - I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and browse the internet. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^( C \. reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN - Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON - I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE - I invented the chicken.
I'll admit it: I'm a sucker for any lame internet stunt or meme. This one comes from Yummy Sushi Pajamas. Check it out:
Over at Ashwin's blog, you will find one crazy blog owner!! You can win $2500!! To enter just copy this text and paste it in your blog!! But hurry, this competition will not last long! So get posting!
-Rohrblogger out
Top Ten Signs You Are Not Digesting Your Food
10. Your tape worm is longer than an Oliver Stone movie
9. Nicole Richie calls you Olive Oyl
8. You inject IV Pepto Bismol
7. You spend more time in the bathroom than Paris Hilton
6. Your boss is no longer the only sphincter causing you trouble
5. You MicroSize your meal at McDonald's
4. You name your spastic bowel Colon Feral
3. That's a pickle in his pocket but you're not glad to see him
2. You replace the fine nutrients normally absorbed with Folger's Crystals to see if anyone notices
And the number one sign you are not digesting your food...
1. After swallowing, you return your food to the store for a full refund
-Jason Rohrblogger
(08/03/07)
And the alternate...
Your doctor sends you back to alimentary school to read "The Iliac and the Colonoscopy"
Chuck Norris is BADASS!
Top Ten Chuck Norris Faves of All Time
10. Fave beef? Ground chuck
9. Fave post-drinking activity? Upchuck
8. Fave transport? Chuck wagon
7. Fave salsa? Chucky-style
6. Fave pizza? Chuck E. Cheese
5. Fave shoe? Chuck Taylor's All Stars
4. Fave snack? Potato chucks
3. Fave author? Chuck Palahniuk
2. Fave football pass? Chuck it
And the number one Chuck Norris fave of all time...
1. Fave music? Bowm chuck-a wow wow...
-Jason Rohrblogger
(07/31/07)
And the alternates...
Fave weapon? Nunchucks
Fave movie? I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry
Fave musician? Chuck Berry
Fave evil doll? Chucky
Fave drink/astronaut? Chuck Yeager-meister
Recycled Internet Funny
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT...
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1".
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
A FEW DAYS LATER...
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START"...
-Jason Rohrblogger
(07/27/07)
Top Ten Rejected Benefits
10. Formula 401(k)
9. Medical/Dental Dam
8. Long Term Invisibility
7. Rock Options
6. Flex Crime
5. Accidental Death and Dismembers Only
4. Heat, Vision, and Jack
3. Strife Insurance
2. Credit Onion
And the number on rejected benefit...
1. Paid Dick Leave
-Jason Rohrblogger
(07/24/07)
And the alternates...
Expanse Account
Philips HeartStart Home Defibrillator
Top Ten Precious Pet Names My Girlfriend Calls Me when I am Drunk
10. Firecrotch
9. Crazy Legs
8. Hitachi Magic Hand
7. Binkymaster
6. Ahh, Barracuda!
5. Pukey the Wonder Spew
4. F**king A**hole!
3. Li'l Jasey Blunder
2. Generalissimo Banko
And the number one precious pet name my girlfriend calls me when I am drunk...
1. Sir Snores-a-lot
-Jason Rohrblogger
(07/21/07)
And the alternates...
Tipsy Russell
Projectile Vomit Comet
Top Ten Signs I Am not Going to Make it through the Day at Work
10. It's only 8:30AM and my gallon of gin is bone dry
9. I referred to my boss as "Sugar Tits" ...as I introduced him at the annual shareholder's meeting
8. What happened in Vegas, stayed in Vegas, along with my company car, company checkbook, clothes, and dignity
7. My January 1st, 2034 retirement party has been rescheduled for the break room at noon today
6. Managed to e-mail my "MILFhunter: Mature Accountants Gone Wild" home video to the entire corporate listserv
5. Assistant advised me that my building-access card has been canceled until I remove my "THUG 4 LYFE" forehead tattoo
4. I've been cited as the sole reason that stock in Pepsi has doubled. And I work for Coke. Well, I work for cocaine, anyway...
3. I blew chow for an hour in the bathroom at work
2. Chow is our new Sushi chef
And the number one sign I'm not going to make it through the day at work...
1. Wearing only a smile, I greeted my new intern with "Does my prostate feel swollen to you?"
-Jason Rohrblogger
(07/18/07)
And the alternates...
I demanded the new Safety Committee be staffed only by hairless Guatemalan boys
I've released Paris Hilton early, sprung Lindsey Lohan from rehab, pardoned Scooter Libby, and invaded Iraq
The FBI finally figured out my secret identity as Peligro! Masked Swordsman of the People!
Top Ten Lesser Known Dirty Words that Sound Like Food but Aren't
10. Chocolate Starfish
9. Hot Lunch
8. Packed Fudge
7. Chili Dog
6. Tea Bag
5. Alabama Hot Pocket
4. Blumpkin
3. Boston Pancake
2. Hot Apple Pie
And the number one lesser known dirty word that sounds like food but isn't...
1. Strawberry Shortcake
For definitions of the above terms please see Urban Dictionary.
-Jason Rohrblogger
(07/15/07)
Top Ten Foods that Sound Dirty but Aren't
10. Spotted Dick
9. Kumquat
8. Creme Filling
7. Sticky Buns
6. Blow Pops
5. All-Day Sucker
4. Tang
3. Casaba Melons
2. Weiner
And the number one food that sounds dirty but isn't...
1. Fluffer Nutter
-Jason Rohrblogger
(07/11/07)
And the alternates...
Hot Pockets
Baked Clam
Nut Log
Pop Rocks
Taco
Top Ten Harry Potter Porn Movie Titles
10. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Passionate Surrender
9. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Bone
8. Hairy Pot, Her
7. Nearly Headless Dick
6. Muggles n' Snuggles
5. Harry Potter and the Lost Virginity
4. Hermione Does Des Moines
3. Cornelius Fudge Packer
2. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
And the number one Harry Potter porn movie title...
1. Harry Potter II: The Wrath of Cock
-Jason Rohrblogger
(07/09/07)
And the alternates...
Professor McGonad-gall
Erectus Humungous
Top Ten Signs Jason's Summer Vacation Rocked
10. Still emitting the subtle scent of tequila and NyQuil
9. Returned with a full-size Rottweiler back tattoo
8. Sacrificed my right flipflop to the Angry Boulder Daemon
7. Lost my virginity. In New Jersey.
6. Found God...in New Jersey
5. Somehow got banned from New Jersey
4. Became Paris Hilton's prison bitch
3. Still can't feel my legs
2. Now I look like Danny DeVito and smell like Matthew McConaughey
And the number one sign Jason's summer vacation rocked...
1. I believe I can fly. I believe I can touch the sky.
-Jason Rohrblogger
(07/06/07)
And the alternates...
Last 50 pictures on my memory card depict the ground, the sky, my finger, or the inside of my lens cap
Finally convinced that the children are our future
National Lampoon bought the rights to my summer vacation
Hiatus
I'm off to finish my prison sentence for lying to the jury about drunk driving with Scooter Libby. Then to Switzerland for gender reassignment surgery (again!) as the first one "didn't take." Once I'm done with that, oh, and rehab, I should be back listing in no time. Enjoy my lovely archives, won't you?
Later,
-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/21/07)
Top Ten Signs You've Hired the Wrong Attorney
10. Asks if you want to super-size your subpoena
9. Thinks Mary Wilson is the strictest constructionist on the Supremes
8. Office is located in the "Discount Bankruptcy" section of Law-Mart
7. Bills you for the hour if she thinks of you during sex
6. Agrees to convince only six of the twelve jurors for half price
5. Asks the judge for a ball-gag order, then advises you that it's time for some hot attorney-on-client privilege, pro bono, natch
4. Interprets the Seventh Amendment as "no tagbacks."
3. Does the Macarena in the witness stand whenever a motion is granted
2. Asks prospective jurors if they put bro's before ho's
And the number one sign you've hired the wrong attorney...
1. Legal pad filled with sketches of plaintiff as Batman
-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/13/05)
And the alternate...
Recommends death penalty for right-turn-on-red in Manhattan
Jason's Top Ten Fave Best-of-Craigslist Posts of All Time
10. Ways to Not Write a Résumé
9. My Turtle Needs a Booty Call
8. To my Ex-GF's Cat
7. You PISSED on My Floor
6. To the Guy Who Had Sex Last Night in Front of My House
5. Get Well Balloon
4. Found: Short, Fat, Smelly, Fugly Critter
3. From an Angry Soldier
2. So You've Decided You Want to Date a Houston Musician
And Jason's number one fave Best-of-Craiglist post of all time...
1. True Story: Battle Asses
-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/15/07)
And the alternates...
Top 10 Law Firm Interview Questions
Let Us Frolic in My Totally Dope Blanket Fort
Driving in Phoenix
Advice to Young Men from an Old Man
Dear Hot Chicks
An Open Letter to the Anaheimer Who Posted on Ottawa R&R
143 Reasons That I Will Be the Best Girlfriend You've Ever Had
No More Sex Please
Middle-Aged Women Complaining About Sex
Vasectomy Story
Larry Litle over at Simple Thoughts of a Complex Mind posted about my Diet Coke, Jerry Falwell, and Paris Hilton lists. Larry's got a huge readership because my stats double when he links to me!
Thanks for the shout out, Larry!
These have been a few complex thoughts of my simple mind...
-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/13/07)
Top Ten Signs You Are Addicted to Diet Coke
10. You name your firstborn Phenylalanine P. Aspartame, Jr.
9. You ask your dealer if he has any Diet Cocaine
8. A little CO² escapes every time you remove your hat
7. You fill your bong with Diet Coke
6. Hooked on crack of the opening can
5. You have to drink two bottles of Diet Pepsi to get the same buzz as one can of Diet Coke
4. You cook it up in a spoon before drinking
3. You drop out of your Scientology classes and accept Diet Coke as your personal Lord and Savior
2. You demand all of the Diet Coke in the divorce
And the number one sign you are addicted to Diet Coke...
1. In the morning it takes one liter to get well, two liters to get high
-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/12/07)
And the alternates...
Standing in the parking lot of 7-11, you drain a four-gallon Quintuple Gulp
You have a soda fountain hung from your headboard
You demand Texaco install a Diet Coke option on all their gas pumps
You believe the Holy Grail was filled with Diet Coke
You consider TaB a gateway drink
Top Ten Paris Hilton Prison Movies
10. Shawskank Redemption
9. Hanoi Hilton
8. Cool Hand Skank
7. The Queen Mile
6. Escape from Skankatraz
5. Ay, Papillon
4. Stir Skanky
3. Con Airhead
2. Beyond Thunderskank
And the number one Paris Hilton prison movie...
1. Reform School Skanks
-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/09/07)
And the alternates...
I Am a Fugitive from a Daisy Chain Gang
The Bridge on the River K-Why Me?
The Great Eskank
Caged Hurry
Midnight Expense
American Herpes X
Heir-nest Goes to Jail
Oh, Mother! Where Art Thou?
Stalag 17 Minutes
Brokedown Paris
Eskank from L.A.
The Big House of Wax
Go to Jail, Go Directly to Jail, Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect $200
Lady Sing-Sings the Blues
Note: This is a continuation of a Falwell thread posted on Simple Thoughts of a Complex Mind...
Top Ten Jerry Falwell Quotes
10. "The idea that religion and politics don't mix was invented by the Devil to keep Christians from running their own country."
9. "The ACLU is to Christians what the American Nazi party is to Jews."
8. "I hope I live to see the day when, as in the early days of our country, we won't have any public schools. The churches will have taken them over again and Christians will be running them. What a happy day that will be!"
7. "AIDS is the wrath of a just God against homosexuals. To oppose it would be like an Israelite jumping in the Red Sea to save one of Pharaoh's charioteers...AIDS is not just God's punishment for homosexuals; it is God's punishment for the society that tolerates homosexuals."
6. "Nothing will motivate conservative evangelical Christians to vote Republican in the 2008 presidential election more than a Democratic nominee named Hillary Rodham Clinton - not even a run by the devil himself...I certainly hope that Hillary is the candidate. She has $300 million so far. But I hope she's the candidate. Because nothing will energize my [constituency] like Hillary Clinton. If Lucifer ran, he wouldn't." -at a "Values Voter Summit"
5. "Grown men should not be having sex with prostitutes unless they are married to them."
4. "Billy Graham is the chief servant of Satan in America."
3. "He is purple — the gay-pride color, and his antenna is shaped like a triangle — the gay pride symbol." –from a "Parents Alert" issued in Jerry Falwell's National Liberty Journal, warning that "Tinky Winky," a character on the popular PBS children's show, "Teletubbies," may be gay
2. "You've got to kill the terrorists before the killing stops. And I'm for the president to chase them all over the world. If it takes ten years, blow them all away in the name of the Lord."
And the number one Jerry Falwell quote...
1. "The abortionists have got to bear some burden for this because God will not be mocked. And when we destroy 40 million little innocent babies, we make God mad. I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People for the American Way - all of them who have tried to secularize America - I point the finger in their face and say 'you helped this happen.'" -on the 9/11 attacks
-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/06/07)
Top Ten Signs You Work at the DMV
10. Your kids have to wait in line for two hours before you let them in the house
9. You renew your marriage license every twelve months
8. You signal for at least forty feet before turning in for the night
7. ...and you ask your wife to take a number
6. The pictures in your family album are all one-inch by one-inch face shots with thumb prints
5. Your eight-year-old has a fake ID stating she is a forty-year-old hazmat truck driver
4. Before he can get a license, your dog has to pass an emissions test
3. You stamp all your plates before serving dinner
2. Your diploma doubles as an eye chart
And the number one sign you work at the DMV...
1. You name your children sequentially, starting with your firstborn, 5YKN227
-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/03/07)
Top Ten Rejected Dating Sites
10. Patch.com
9. eMormony
8. PrisonBitch.net
7. Sgt. Peppers Lonely-parts Club Hand
6. FacePlant.com
5. SpeedMarriage.com
4. SugarDaddy
3. HisAndHerpes.net
2. HighSpace
And the number one rejected dating site...
1. Gasm.org
-Jason Rohrblogger
(05/31/07)
Top Ten Squad Names if My Girlfriend Ran the Army
10. The Jobless 41st
9. The Menstrual 1
8. The Drunken 89th
7. The Spoiling for a Fightin' Public
6. The Uncaring 61st
5. The Pregnant 4077th
4. The Mounting Division
3. The Letter-Writing Death from Above
2. More Cock Less Talk
And the number one fighter squadron name if my girlfriend ran the Army...
1. 101st Airborne Loser
-Jason Rohrblogger
(05/28/07)
And the alternates...
Easy Company
Delta Region Squad
Alpha Male Syndrome
I thought this article was pure hilarity: Eight Wives Not Enough for Convicted Bigamist.
Top Ten Signs You are Married to a Bigamist
10. He agrees to spend 1/10th of the morning with you on Mother's Day
9. Claims he was out at the bar with the boys, but he comes home already fed, wed, and ready for bed
8. She states you, and her other eight husbands, don't pay enough attention to her
7. Demands you get married on your birthday so he only has to remember one day
6. He returns from his "business trip" in a rented tux with frosting all over his boutonnière
5. The court settles your divorce as a class-action
4. All the kids in your trailer park look strangely alike
3. She thinks Ann Romney is way too stingy with Mitt
2. Someone is PMS-ing 25 out of 30 days
And the number one sign you are married to a bigamist...
1. Your new "babysitter" shows up suspiciously wearing a veil
-Jason Rohrblogger
(05/25/07)
And the alternate...
Her Craigslist ad reads: "Straight, Mormon, VGL, prayer-warrier seeks stable couple for worship, nuptials, more... NO: singles, pagans, attorneys or Democrats!"
I jacked this meme from Simple Thoughts of a Complex Mind
SCATTERGORIES...it's harder than it looks! Use the first letter of your name to answer each of the following...They MUST be real places, names, things...NOTHING made up! Try to use different answers if the person in front of you had the same first initial. You CAN'T use your name for the boy/girl name question.
Your Name: Jason
Famous Artist/Band/Musician: Jane's Addiction
Four Letter Word: Joke
Vehicle: Jeep
TV Show: Just Shoot Me
City: Jakarta
Boy Name: Jasper
Girl Name: Jessica
Alcoholic Drink: Jell-O shot
Occupation: Jester
Flower: Juniper
Something You Wear: Jacket
Something You Do: Jack off
Something That You Like: Jelly
Celebrity: Jerry Seinfeld
Food: Jelly
Something Found in a Kitchen: Jelly
Reason for Being Late: Jack Knifed Big Rig
Cartoon Character: Jabberjaw
Something You Shout: Jelly!
-Jason Rohrblogger
(05/22/07)
I love me some forwarded e-mail SPAM...
Top Ten Trick Questions
10. How long did the Hundred Years War last?
9. Which country makes Panama hats?
8. From which animal do we get catgut?
7. In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
6. What is a camel's hair brush made of?
5. The Canary Islands in the Atlantic are named after what animal?
4. What was King George VI's first name?
3. What color is a purple finch?
2. Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
And the number one trick question...
1. What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
-Jason Rohrblogger
(05/14/07)
Check your answers below...
10. How long did the Hundred Years War last?
-116 years
9. Which country makes Panama hats?
-Ecuador
8. From which animal do we get catgut?
-Sheep and Horses
7. In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
-November
6. What is a camel's hair brush made of?
-Squirrel fur
5. The Canary Islands in the Atlantic are named after what animal?
-Dogs
4. What was King George VI's first name?
-Albert
3. What color is a purple finch?
-Crimson
2. Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
-New Zealand
1. What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
-Orange, of course
Top Ten Billy Graham Duties in Heaven
10. Chief halo polisher
9. As they arrive, advise Jim Bakker, Ted Haggard, and Jimmy Swaggart where they are going and why
8. Patron saint of Weight Watchers
7. Explain to the 77 virgins waiting for him where the herpes came from
6. Develop new communion wafer: the Billy Graham Cracker
5. Take Mary Magdalene to Jackrabbit Slim's while Jesus is out of town
4. Learn that The Trinity is actually more of a geometrical heptagon involving the Father, the Son, the Holy Spirit, Manny, Moe, Jack, One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them, One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them
3. Earn wings as guardian angel for Tinky Winky
2. Replace the fine gospel normally preached with Folger's Crystals. See if anyone notices
And the number one Billy Graham Duty in Heaven...
1. Apologize to Ganesh, learn Sanskrit
-Jason Rohrblogger
(05/15/07)
And the alternate...
Explain the plot of "Lost" to God
Top Ten Worst Album Covers of All Time
10. 
9. 
8. 
7. 
6. 
5. 
4. 
3. 
2.
And the number one worst album cover of all time...
1.
-Jason Rohrblogger
(05/12/07)
And the alternates...
I stole this from Linky & Dinky...
Fifty Random Celebrity Facts
50. George Clooney sometimes sleeps in the walk-in closet of his L.A. mansion because, he says, "all the bedrooms are too light."
49. In 1985, Teri Hatcher played a dancing mermaid on The Love Boat. "That was the first job I ever had" she says. "I left college before finishing my math degree to go do that."
48. While attending Princeton, Prison Break star Wentworth Miller traveled the world performing with the school's acapella group, The Princeton Tigertones.
47. Matthew Perry is missing part of his middle finger on his right hand due to a door-shutting accident.
46. Diane Lane's mom, Colleen Farrington, was playboy's Miss October 1957 (the ex playmate was also pregnant in one of her photo shoots.)
45. Early in her career, Whitney Houston sang the jingle used in commercials for Bounce fabric sheets.
44. A childhood virus left Rob Lowe completely deaf in his right ear. "No stereo for me," he says. "It's a mono world."
43. Even though she appears in ads for Tommy Hilfiger's True Star fragrances, Beyoncé is reportedly allergic to perfume.
42. After Drew Barrymore posed for Playboy in 1995, Steven Spielberg sent a note that said "cover yourself up" along with a quilt and a copy of the magazine with all her pictures altered so that she appeared fully clothed.
41. Jake Gyllenhaal got his first driving lesson from family friend Paul Newman.
40. At age 10, Justin Timberlake won 1991 pre-teen Mr. America pageant. The following year, he became the first male winner of America's Universal Charm pageant.
39. Before becoming an actress, Aussie Naomi Watts worked as an assistant fashion editor at a fashion magazine called Follow Me.
38. Colin Farrell says that Marilyn Monroe was the first woman he fell in love with. "I used to leave Smarties, the Irish equivalent of M&Ms, under my pillow with a little note saying, "I know you're dead but these are very tasty and you should come and have a few. I wont tell anyone."
37. Gwen Stefani admits that she's had only two boyfriends in her life: No Doubt band mate Tony Kanal and husband Gavin Rossdale.
36. As a second grader Jamie Foxx was so talented at telling jokes, his teacher used him as a reward. If the class behaved, Jamie would entertain them.
35. Butt-kicking Kill Bill siren Uma Thurman is a crafty one. "I knit" she admits, adding "I love glue gun projects."
34. Keira Knightley was Queen Amidala's decoy in Star Wars: Episode 1 though the film was promoted as if Natalie Portman played both roles.
33. Though Christina Aguilera is of Ecuadorian descent and recorded an album in Spanish, she doesn't speak the language. I gathered that when she said mai gousta kantaar
32. In 1993, Jessica Simpson tried out for the Mickey Mouse Club but panicked after watching Christina Aguilera audition. "I froze and forgot everything," she says. She lost out to both Christina and Britney Spears.
31. Eva Longoria starred in the 2004 flick Carlita's Secret, a crime drama in which she shared a same-sex smooch with actress Maria Bravo. "It was the most fun I've ever had kissing somebody."
30. In the early 70s, Richard Gere played Danny Zuko in a London production of Grease.
29. Tom Cruise admits that he still does the Risky Business underwear dance when hes at home alone. He calls it his "dance of freedom."
28. As a child, Jim Carrey wore tap shoes to bed just in case his parents needed cheering up in the middle of the night.
27. Christina Applegate attended the 1989 MTV Movie Awards with Brad Pitt, but dumped him at the event and left with someone else. "We were really good friends when I was about sixteen. We went to the awards and I ditched him! I left him there and I feel really bad about it...I really really do. I left with somebody else."
26. In a high school talent show, Matt Damon performed the Talking Heads' "Burning Down the House."
25. Mariah Carey was nicknamed "Mirage" in high school because she never showed up for class.
24. Angelina Jolie's uncle who looks just like John Voight, Chip Taylor, wrote the song "Wild Thing."
23. Catherine Zeta Jones' father owned a candy factory, but the star says she rarely indulged: "I had so many sweets and candy hanging around my house that I never even bothered with them."
22. Comic actor Jack Black is the son of rocket scientists. His mother worked on the Hubble telescope, and his father worked on "some stuff that I can't tell you about," Jack says.
21. Jennifer Love Hewitt sent Matt Damon an inflatable bed because she read he didn't feel like he has a bed of his own. She never heard back and now, he "looks at me a little weird."
20. At the age of seven, Reese Witherspoon appeared in a television commercial for a local Nashville Florist.
19. Paris Hilton has size 11 feet! "All those super cute shoes like Guccis and Monolos look like clown shoes on me."
18. Russell Crowe was once a pompadoured singer named Russ Le Roq. His first single was "I Want to be Like Marlon Brando"...even though he'd never seen a Brando movie when he wrote the song.
17. Madonna is related to both Gwen Stefani and Celine Dion. Gwen's great aunt's mother-in-law shares the same last name as Madonna Ciccone, and an ancestor of Madonna's mother was married to a distant relative of Celine's dad.
16. Grey's Anatomy star Patrick Dempsey began his career as a juggling unicycle-riding clown.
15. Tara Reid attended high school in New Jersey with American Idol contestant Constantine Maroulis.
14. Julia Roberts' left eye tears up when she gets nervous.
13. Struggling actress Charlize Theron landed her first agent in a bank. He signed her after witnessing her throwing a fit at a bank teller who refused to cash her check.
12. When he was little, Ben Affleck asked his mom for a dog and she tested him by making him walk an imaginary pup for a week. In the end, he only lasted five days and didn't get the dog.
11. Brittany Murphy claims she started speaking at four-and-half-months. She also says she was a very "energetic child, really bubbly...extremely precocious."
10. Demi Moore, who has earned up to $20 million per movie, first found work as a bill collector.
9. Heidi Klum is an avid painter and several of her works have appeared in U.S. art magazines.
8. Daryl Hannah is co-creator of the board game Liebrary
7. Both Olsen twins had to wear fake teeth during the later years of Full House because their smiles began to look different.
6. In 1985, a four-year-old Alicia Keys appeared on The Cosby Show as one of the guests at Rudy's slumber party.
5. Usher holds the Star Search record for the longest note by a child: 12.1 seconds.
4. Claire Danes has a swing in her apartment. "My parents had a swing, a trapeze and a trampoline in their apartment, I was inspired by that."
3. American Beauty star Thora Birch's mom acted in twenty one adult films, including Deep Throat, under the name Carol Connors before retiring in 1993.
2. Halle Berry used to date New Kid on the Block Danny Wood. They broke up because the band thought she was a groupie.
And the number one unimportant celebrity fact...
1. Brad Pitt belonged to the Key Club and the Forensics Club in high school, and before he became an actor he supported himself as a chauffeur, a furniture mover and a costumed mascot for the restaurant, El Pollo Loco.
-Jason Rohrblogger
(05/10/07)
Note: Since Boris Yeltsin recently passed away, I thought I'd dust off this crusty old list from 1998 full of well-aged references...
Top Ten Job Offers for Boris Yeltsin
10. President, Lincoln Savings and Loan, Whitewater, Arkansas
9. TV pitchman for Certs with Yeltsin
8. National spokesperson "Don't Drink and Govern" campaign
7. Best two-out-of-three in WCW cage match with Bullwinkle Moose
6. Mayor, Washington DC
5. Honorary chairman, Leaders of Crumbling Empires Anonymous
4. Bayonette dummy, Islamabad training base, Afghanistan
3. Experimental melatonin transplant recipient
2. Team owner, New York Yankees
And the number one job offer for Boris Yeltsin...
1. Play himself, opposite Jo Beth Williams, in the made-for-TV movie on Lifetime
-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/29/98)
Top Ten Fictional Bands of All Time
10. Stillwater
9. Eddie and the Cruisers
8. The Flower People
7. Tucson Rockers
6. Moist and the Towelettes
5. Cotton Candy
4. Johnny Casino & The Gamblers
3. M.C. Safety and the Cauton Crew
2. Spinal Tap
And the number one fictional band of all time...
1. Sexual Chocolate
-Jason Rohrblogger
(05/01/07)
And the alternates...
Motherboy
Beans and Frank
Mystery
This was stolen wholesale from Spinner
Top Ten Worst Music Ideas Ever
10. U2's Blue Light Special - Q: What's funnier than mocking your American fans for their mindless consumerism?
A: Their refusal to buy your stinkin' products.
U2 announced the crass spectacle known as the PopMart tour -- with a stage boasting a massive McDonald's-like golden arch -- at a Kmart. Said Bono, smug in a black leather jacket and tinted sunglasses, "It costs a fortune to look this trashy." The CD was the band's worst-selling in 14 years, and, despite U2's plan to sell out, many tour stops did not.
9. The Bens - "Hey, check it out: My name is Ben, your name is Ben, and see that
dude over there behind the piano?
B-E-freakin'-N!" And just like that, the talented Mr. Lee, Mr. Kweller and Mr. Folds became indie-rock supergroup the Bens. Unfortunately, as evident by their tepid 2003 EP (mystifyingly not titled 'All About the Benjamins'), the sum wasn't exactly greater than the parts and the Bens disbanded after one tour of Lee's native Australia.
8. That New Car Smell - The checklist for the 2006 Cars reunion tour: two Cars sidemen desperate for a payday? Check. A gaggle of folks who have nothing to do with the hit-making '80s New Wave band, including, for some reason, Todd Rundgren? Check. The two guys who actually wrote and sang everything? Well, considering Ric Ocasek's nonpresence due to his successful career as a producer, and Benjamin Orr gracefully bowing out because he's dead... Balderdash! Who needs 'em? Behold the New Cars -- a smash hit, like New Coke.
7. Frampton Comes Together - While 'Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band' is often cited as rock's finest album, the movie musical it inspired was even more powerful -- it killed the careers of all the musicians it touched. Peter Frampton, fresh off the best-selling live album in history, teamed with the Bee Gees, fresh off the best-selling movie soundtrack in history, to play the band. Throughout the wretched spectacle (see trailer, left), all four committed crimes against manliness, and they paid afterward by not being able to get arrested.
6. NetAid - Whether or not Bono can save the world, the U2 frontman's charity single with Wyclef Jean, 'New Day' -- which, after its 'TRL' debut, never charted again -- wasn't enough to save the train wreck that was NetAid. In 1999, the U.N. and Cisco Systems cashed in on the multi-city festival moneymaker, tapping "hip" artists like the Eurythmics, the Corrs and Bryan Adams to perform as part of a live Internet webcast. The Web site racked in only 2.4 million hits, humiliatingly short of the anticipated 1 billion.
5. Singled Out - If one hit song can make you a rock 'n' roll star, imagine what five can do. So went the thinking of marketing geniuses at Columbia Records in 1967. However, when the label released five singles from San Francisco rockers Moby Grape's self-titled debut on the same day, two things happened: 1. Hippies smelled The Man behind the promotion plan, triggering a backlash, 2. Radio stations didn't know which single to play, and all five tanked. Drug and legal problems followed, and by 1971 Moby Grape were beached.
4. Metallica Cut Their Hair - When Metallica got haircuts in 1996, fans of the ferocious metal gods wondered if they had accidentally clipped off another of their body parts. Lockless for the release of 'Load,' the once rough-edged rockers went all kinds of soft, protesting fan-friendly services like Napster, trying their hand at sobriety and enrolling in therapy to talk about their "feelings." Dudes, that's not rock 'n' roll. That's emo. Next thing you know, they'll be braiding each other's... oh, wait.
3. Beach Boys & Fat Boys - By 1987 the Beach Boys were a bit hit-starved. So in desperation, the former '60s surf-music kings teamed up with one-joke hip-hop novelty trio the Fat Boys for a sung-and-rapped version of the instrumental 'Wipeout.' Be forewarned: The song's video (left) is not a pretty sight, unless you groove on morbid obesity and bald guys in Hawaiian shirts. But the record gods clearly have a warped sense of humor, as a year later the Beach Boys' equally wretched but mercifully rap-free 'Kokomo' made it to No. 1.
2. Whitney Tries Crack - Allegedly. Remember, Whitney Houston told Diane Sawyer in 2002 that the drug is "wack," and that she makes too much money to mess with it. Whatever she's been ingesting, it hasn't helped her career, as the seven-time Grammy-winning singer hasn't released an album in half a decade. She's supposedly working on new material, and we imagine she'll have a new single done as soon as she can think of another word that ends in "ack."
And the number one worst music idea ever...
1. Garth Brooks Is Chris Gaines - It's lonely at the top. And lonely people often concoct imaginary friends. That may explain why, in 1999, country übermegastar Garth Brooks ditched his Stetson and western-cut shirt for a wig from the Reznor Collection and a pasted-on soul patch to transform himself into moody rock god Chris Gaines. A fake 'Behind the Music,' 'SNL' and a "greatest hits" album by "Gaines" followed, yet no one but a few eager psychiatrists gave a whit.
-Jason Rohrblogger
(02/26/07)
And the alternates...
Milli Vanilli: The Movie - First there was 'Ray,' then there was 'Walk the Line' and soon . . . 'Blame It on the Rain'? That's right, Universal Pictures is working on bringing the inspiring epic story of Milli Vanilli to the big screen. We can hear the trailer voice over now: "Two men, five monster hit singles - and it all came crashing down with one skipped tape. Girl, you know it's true." There is no word yet on whether the actors will do their own singing.
Willie Goes Reggae - Is the mere concept of Willie Nelson recording a reggae album, to quote his classic song, crazy? Well, like the Rastafarians, the country music legend has beef with the government, sports a curious hairstyle and worships a particular sacramental herb. So what went wrong? Perhaps the fact that it was Willie Nelson recording a reggae album! And the record was begun in 1995 but didn't appear till 2005, which meant Willie had four, maybe five lucid moments in which to change his mind.
Worst of Both Worlds - Two superstars, one facing child porn charges, plus hot ladies and a whole lotta pyro, for a tour hyped as the 'Best of Both Worlds'... what could go wrong? Well, it started when R. Kelly stopped mid-song at Madison Square Garden, claiming he saw two audience members with guns. Jay-Z's posse responded by spraying Kelly with pepper spray. Jigga then booted Kelly from the tour. After a little name-calling and lawsuit-tossing, you get why nobody ever asked these guys to play Lilith Fair.
The Great Pumpkin Ad - OK, so it's one thing to bare your soul on your MySpace blog. But a full-page ad in Chicago's two biggest newspapers? That's tacky. In 2005 Billy Corgan paid no mind when, on the release day of his solo album 'The Future Embrace,' the bald-headed tunesmith bled his heart dry with plans to "renew and revive" his former band the Smashing Pumpkins. The reunion still hasn't happened, but Corgan did manage to torpedo his solo career - 'Embrace' has yet to sell 75,000 copies.
Mariah Goes Glitter - "In music, she found her dream, her love, herself." Ironic tag line for this flick, considering two things: 1. Mariah Carey checked herself into a hospital during the movie's promotion, amid terrible reviews, citing "emotional and physical exhaustion," and 2. The Grammy-winning pop diva's label paid her $28 million to go away when the 'Glitter' soundtrack tanked. If Carey's incoherent babbling and half-naked TV appearances weren't ominous signs enough, the soundtrack had a release date of September 11, 2001.
Top Ten Disneyland Rides if Disney Was Bought Out by Don Imus
10. Dumho the Flying Elephant
9. Pirates of the Nappibbean
8. It's a Small Ho
7. Haunty-headed Mansion
6. Auhopia
5. Many Adventures of Nappie the Pooh
4. Big Thunder Mountain Railho
3. Alice in Nappyland
2. Rutger Rabbit's Car Toon Spin
And the number one Disneyland ride if Disney was bought out by Don Imus...
1. The Matterho
-Jason Rohrblogger and Atomic Bombshell
(04/25/07)
And the alternates...
Star Hoes
Space Naptain
Buzz Napyear's Afro Blasters
Perhaps you've seen this "interview other bloggers" meme floating around from blog to blog. If not, the basic gist of it is that another blogger writes five questions for you and you answer them. I tagged myself over at Yummy Sushi Pajamas.
1. How did you get into the top ten business?
I stole it wholesale from David Letterman. One of Letterman's early writers, Merrill Markoe, stole the idea wholesale from The Book of Lists. A little known fact about my site: the main title of every list is a blind link to something on the internet that I think is amusing. Letterman can't do that.
2. Describe your ideal woman, without referencing famous people.
Do you count as famous? Cause you're pretty ideal. I mean, besides the fact that you're already married, live on the East Coast, and want to move to Italy...
3. What's your favorite book and why?
This is a deceptively difficult question for me. There are SO MANY books I enjoy. When I am struggling with a challenge, one of my coping mechanisms is to write a list. So...herewith are Jason's Top Ten Fave Books of All Time
10. The Sex Lives of Cannibals by J. Maarten Troost
This book came to me as a birthday present from fellow blogger Jenn over at Let the Wild Rumpus Start. Jenn is a married mother of one from Kansas who I have never met. Somehow she picked out the very book that would make me laugh the hardest.
A young man just starting his career abruptly quits his job to follow his girlfriend to an isolated South Pacific Island where they encounter malnutrition, pestilence, disease, sharks and near death in a open raft on the sea. It's absolutely hilarious. I kid you not. The title is misleading. There is no sex and not one cannibal. The funniest passage in the travelogue is when the author is trying to bring his cat to the island veterinarian to get fixed:
"If you have never driven a manual-shifting car alone with an uncaged cat, I recommend that you go to great lengths to avoid the experience. I deluded myself into thinking that the cat would sit quietly in the passenger seat, but in fact moments after I started the car he found his way to the top of my head, which he used as a perch to launch himself toward the window, which sadly for him, was closed, causing him to experience a not inconsiderable amount of panic, which he manifested by ripping me to shreds, pausing only to relieve himself."
9. Rogue Warrior by Richard Marcinko
This is a combat memoir by a disgraced alcoholic Navy SEAL. He's writing from federal prison where they incarcerated him for "misappropriating funds." This book is heavy on the testosterone. It's supposedly non-fiction but half the shit is lies and the other half is made up. Women tend to put it down and never pick it up again. Men burn through the pages. It's good shit.
8. Into Thin Air by Jon Krakauer
You know how some disaster will happen, like a perfect storm, and then a journalist or investigative reporter will interview the survivors and research the event and write a killer book? Now, imagine that reporter is also a participant in the disaster... Jon Krakauer was one of the hikers on the fatal 1996 Everest attempt. He describes in detail what it's like to be lost, frozen, and out of oxygen, then leave your teammates to die while you struggle back to base camp.
7. Shadow Divers by Robert Kurson
The 100% absolute true story of a group of recreational divers who, in 1991, discover an undisturbed Nazi submarine sunken off the coast of New Jersey. Then they solve the mystery of the suicide mission that placed it there.
6. Band of Brothers by Stephen Ambrose
An honest, page-turning, history of the 101st Airborne in Europe in World War II. This book captures what it feels like to fight and die far, far away from home. When they reach Hitler's mountain hideout and discover what is there at the end of the book, it's one of the most satisfying non-fiction endings ever.
5. Papillon by Henri Charrière
The supposedly non-fiction account of a French prisoner sent to a penal colony in South America. This is another book that is so incredible that it can only be half true. However, it's probably the most outrageous half of the story that is the true part.
4. Green Beach by James Leasor
Sometimes books find you. One day I'm rummaging through boxes of old John Jakes paperbacks at an outdoor Rotary Club book sale. I come across an ancient library book from 1975 called "Green Beach." The little borrower pocket is still glued on the inside of the front cover. The spine is broken and some pages are trying to escape. I love a crusty war story as much as the next History Channel junkie so I pay the 99¢ and take my book home. It turns out to be this incredible non-fiction gem about a Canadian Regiment from Saskatchewan in WWII who invade Nazi-held mainland Europe a year before the Normandy landing to covertly test out a top secret development called RADAR. Most of them die. Horribly. Who knew Canadians were such military bad asses? I mailed my copy to my cousin from Saskatchewan and it's one of his most prized possessions. The writing is a little stilted and the author can be repetitive, but the story itself is worth it.
3. Love My Rifle More than You by Kayla Williams
This is a modern combat memoir from an Arab-speaking female U.S. Army soldier in Iraq. She has to deal with all of the feminine issues (sex, workplace harassment, diet, birth control, etc...) but in a combat zone which heightens all the tension. At one point she is holding off a desperately amorous and aggressive fellow soldier with her M-16. You'll have to read the book to find out if she pulls the trigger or not. This one is a must-read for the ladies. And yes, she participates in humiliating detainees during interrogations and describes in detail what that feels like.
2. Leaving the Saints by Martha Beck
A Harvard-trained sociologist exposes the sexual attitudes of the male-dominated Mormon Church towards women and children. She goes through soul-crushing therapy over possible abuse from her own father. This is one of those books where every page is the most incredible, disgusting thing you have ever read, until you get to the NEXT page. Almost every paragraph is a controversial bombshell. This book has it's own response from the Mormon Church written by members of the author's own family!
And Jason's number one fave book of all time...
1. The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver
This is the first fiction to make the list and it comes in at number one. An American family of missionaries goes to the Congo in the 1950's. The story reveals the history of Africa, religion, politics, gender, and family relations. It reads so much like non-fiction that by the time "Blood Diamond" came out, I already knew all of the issues raised from reading this book. The author lives in my hometown of Tucson, AZ, but that's not why you should read this book. You should read this book because it's one of the few novels that you wish would keep going when it ends. I have read one other book of hers Prodigal Summer. It's a fluffy, earthy romp with some steamy sex scenes between a hunter and a female park ranger. Obviously The Poisonwood Bible is meant to be Kingsolver's magnum opus. If you only read one book...
And the alternates...
The Onion Field by Joseph Wambaugh
The events in this book take place in the 1950's and the book was written in the early 1970's but it still reads like it could have happened yesterday. Two small-time thieves take two LAPD detectives hostage and fatally shoot one of them. The events that follow are unbelievable and apparently 100% true. The author tells the story chronologically so it takes about 150 pages to get to the good part. Stick with it, the ending is your reward.
In the Heart of the Sea by Nathaniel Philbrick
This one is worth the read just for the detailed description of 19th Century whaling ships and how they worked. Sounds boring, right? You can't put it down. He sketches the transformation of Nantucket's Quaker churchmen into foul-mouthed sailors drenched in whale blood. Then one of the ships gets rammed by an enraged sperm whale and sinks. The survivors have to eat each other, and how they decide who gets to live and who becomes dinner will blow you away. Also: it's 100% non-fiction.
Under and Alone by William Queen
William Queen is a real-life ATF Special Agent who infiltrates the Mongols Motorcycle Gang in the San Fernando Valley north of Los Angeles. Of course, he is the one telling the story, but even accounting for that, this dude is one bad motorfinger. Not only does he give you a blow-by-blow of all the blows, he tells you how he feels the whole time. I wept. The author has since had to go into hiding in the Witness Protection Program as there is a standing hit out on him in the worldwide Outlaw Motorcycle Gang community. To this day, they are still prosecuting bad guys nationwide from this guy's work! Apparently it is being made into a movie with Mel Gibson attached to play William Queen. Too bad, I would have rather seen Willie Nelson play him...
The Falcon and the Snowman by Robert Lindsey
A true story about a drug dealer and top secret satellite technician who sell American secrets to the Soviets during the cold war. The main characters grew up down the street from where I live now and there are scenes in the book that take place on the sidewalk outside my current address. Also? They spend time in Tucson where I grew up and attend a local church there I am totally familiar with. Scary.
Over the Edge: The True Story of Four American Climbers' Kidnap and Escape in the Mountains of Central Asia by Greg Child
Four young American mountaineers are taken hostage by militant Islamic extremists in the Pamir Alai region of Kyrgyzstan. They escape their punishing captivity by pushing one of their armed captors over a cliff. The author's writing style is wooden at times, but the entire read is worth it for the one scene where the only female survivor is filling out a preliminary questionnaire at a therapist's office and in the space labeled "reason for visit" she puts "taken hostage by militant Islamic extremists in Kyrgyzstan. Had to escape by pushing a guy over a cliff."
A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius by David Eggers
This guy loses both of his parents to cancer back to back. Then he has to raise his younger brother. The weird part? You laugh while you cry. He breaks all the rules of writing: he's self-reflexive, mixes fiction and non-fiction, goes off on long dead-end tangents, doesn't have a beginning, middle, or end. Yet this book works. And I'm not just saying that because Dave Eggers published one of my lists in his popular online literary magazine McSweeney's.
Black Hawk Down: A Story of Modern War by Mark Bowden
I love to say the title of this book as one word: Blackhawkdown. This is the story of unwanted American military intervention that didn't work. So we GOT OUT. That's right: we left. Clinton cut and run. And you know what? America isn't threatened by Somali warlords anymore. Mark Bowden describes what it feels like to be holed up in a third-world alley while an entire hostile city tries to kill you all night long and you are trying to close your buddy's femoral artery while he dies. Then you miss the last Humvee out of Dodge and you have to run for your life to a Pakistani stronghold while hot lead dances in the air. You know you are in a hellhole when the only safety is provided by Pakistanis. One of the soldiers in the book remarks that in the movies, you hear endless gunfire in the battle scenes, but that in real life one yahoo at the end of a street with an AK-47 can hold up an entire column of American infantry until he is dealt with. Mark Bowden has also written another non-fiction page-turner called Killing Pablo: The Hunt for the World's Greatest Outlaw about the capture and death of major drug dude Pablo Escobar. Good times. Good times.
Vengeance: The True Story of an Israeli Counter-Terrorist Team by George Jonas
If you've bothered to read this far you have figured out that I like non-fiction books that describe how it feels to deal with extraordinary events. This book details how it feels to be an assassin. And it is dark. I was actually depressed for a week after reading this book and it is about the good guys. There is one freak-ay scene involving a prostitute/assassin who kills her johns. Then she is killed later in a silenced shootout on a houseboat. It sounds like something out of Ian Fleming, but it is just disturbing and wrong. This whole book is disturbing and wrong.
I Know This Much Is True by Wally Lamb
The only other work of fiction on my list. This novel made Oprah's Book Club but I like it anyway. Wally Lamb is a white male American author working today who writes about 19th Century Palermo, Italy lesbians like he is one. This guy nails characters so perfectly I could swear he knows my father and half the women I've dated (no, I haven't dated any Italian lesbians. But not for lack of trying). This one is a must-read for anybody touched by alcoholism, cancer, or has an immigrant ancestor. So that's just about everybody.
Working: My Life as a Prostitute by Dolores French
The author actually likes being a prostitute and gives the reader insight into what it feels like to work in a high-volume Caribbean brothel. Ever wonder what it's like to deliver a large load of drugs to an Arab businessman in Manhattan and then blow him? Ever want to consecutively entertain three dozen sailors on leave? Ever want to get paid to spank the shit out of a naked man? She'll tell you how.
-Heather, now are you sorry you asked what my favorite book was?
4. Name two things you cannot do without.
Sarcasm and e-mail
5. Boxers or briefs?
Loincloths for work, pantyhose on the weekend...
Top five rules, if you'd like to participate in this as well:
5. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me!"
4. I will respond by e-mailing you five questions. I get to pick them, and you have to answer them all.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
2. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
And the number one rule, if you'd like to participate in this as well...
1. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.
-Jason Rohrblogger
(04/19/07)
Top Ten Biblical Horror Movies
10. I Know What You Did Last Supper
9. I Beheld Then Because of the Voice of the Great Words Which the Horn Spake: I Beheld Even Till the Beast Was Slain, and His Body Destroyed, and Given to the Burning Flame
8. Onan the Barbarian
7. Zechariah the 13th
6. Invasion of the Body Judges
5. Children of the Chronicles
4. Texas Chainsaw Maccabees
3. The Little Psalm of Horrors
2. John of the Dead
And the number one biblical horror movie...
1. The Exodusorcist
-Jason Rohrblogger
(04/09/07)
All hail Spicy Pants who linked to my Top Ten Rejected Taverns list in her Spicy Weekend Link Love post. What can I say? Spicy Pants is the best looking gossip blogger on the internet and clearly knows talent when she sees it...
-Rohrblogger
Professional Wrestler or Prison?
10. Super Max
9. Wadi Ayoub
8. Abu Ghraib
7. Big Nasty
6. Big Sandy
5. Argentina Rocca
4. Pollock Grant Parish
3. Jack Brickhouse
3. Jesup Brunswick
2. The Beast
And the number one professional wrestler or prison...
1. The Rock
-Jason Rohrblogger
(04/06/07)
Answer:
Odd numbers = professional wrestlers
Even numbers = prisons
Number one (above) = both
And the alternates...
1. Golga
2. Bastille
3. Latino Heat
4. Jericho
5. Thuganomics
6. Al Wathba
7. Nikita Koloff
8. Aktion Reinhard
9. Torbellino Blanco
10. Riker's Island
11. Yukon Braxton
12. Forrest Low
13. Con Bruno
14. Kansas City
15. The Crusher
16. Moshannon
17. El Gran Davis
18. El Reno
19. Ilio DiPaolo
20. Coleman II
21. Espanto I
22. CI Taft
23. Soldat Gorky
24. Maitland Gaol
25. Sangre India
26. Banja Luka
27. Masakazu Fukuda
28. La Sante
Fun prison names I found while writing this list:
Butner Camp
Yankton
La Tuna
Yazoo
Schylkill
Admax
Waseca
Herlon
Fort Dix
Top Ten Signs It Is Easter in Iraq
10. Jesus wakes up in tomb after three days; hits snooze bar, rolls over, and sleeps for two more Millennia
9. Children search for pastel-colored hand grenades
8. Shia's dip their chocolate in Sunni's peanut butter
7. Remote-detonated roadside bombs loaded with festive plastique grass
6. Fave jellybean flavor? Sarin nerve gas
5. Ambushes conducted in bright new camouflage battle dress for Spring
4. Spring Break + Tigris and Euphrates = "Kurds Gone Wild"
3. At deeply somber Green Zone Passover Seder, George Bush pledges to sacrifice his firstborn to the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob
2. Easter eggs buried in mass grave
And the number one sign it is Easter in Iraq...
1. Allah Bunny gently reminds folks of the real reason for the season: Death to America!
-Jason Rohrblogger
(04/06/07)
And the alternates...
Cadbury Eggs fertilized with yellowcake uranium from Nigeria
Pentagon develops new long-range surface-to-air marshmallow peeps. (Insert your own weapon-of-ass-destruction tag line here)
Here's a plug for my latest internet crush. Tisha Sharp blogs about the usual sick kids, errant puppies, and lack of sleep. She's worth blogrolling, however, solely for her posts about work. She's employed in a convalescent home. Now, I love a good dick joke, poop story, or awkward masturbation reference as much as the next juvenile laptop junkie. And she delivers. Enjoy...
Jason Rohrblogger's Top Ten Fave Lines from The World According to Tish
10. "Lemme tell you, brothers and sisters, I have been places you ain't never been." Monique singsonged into a Mr. Microphone. "Sex, drugs, rock and roll, oh yes, people! ...I didn't need Jesus when I was having sex with two men, no ma'am! I thought all that rubbing, all that touching and bumping was what love was all about."
9. I barely could understand what the diminutive French man said, but I took offense to his hand gestures so I had to slap him. Good thing National Enquirer photogs were nowhere near.
8. Then yes, I danced like a crazy woman.
7. I slept in every day only to be awakened by the sounds of my breakfast being prepared by hairless Guatemalan men....
6. I can't really compare it to prison.
5. She leaned over a most eager 80 year old double amputee man. His stumps flipped up and down as she hugged him tightly.
4. "Tish, your physical therapist. We exercise your legs, remember?" I knelt down to pat her knees..and then she kicked me square in the chest, knocking me to the floor.
"Yep, I know you. I was sore for three days after you."
3. ....after five Sapphire and tonics, all I heard was TISH and my giggles.
2. Masturbation Olympics
And Jason Rohrblogger's number one fave line in The World According to Tish...
1. "I used to see a man and jus' think 'bout what I could do to him, what he could do to me, and whammo, it wasn't nothing for us to get busy right there in the parking lot.... But then I found JESUS, people, JESUS...." She ended with a prayer, a long sigh, and what I thought was a body tremor.
-Jason Rohrblogger
(04/03/07)
And the alternates...
I hate to brag at this point to all of the parents that might be reading this, but here goes and I do say this with a 'nah-nah' voice:
I WATCHED TWO RATED R MOVIES AT THE CINEMA!
One may be the loneliest number but it sure sounds great to me.
No can do, kiddo, but you can devote your next CD to the woman who said these three words to you and meant them: FOCUS ON ME.
...run naked down our street holding hands with an invisible Bob Hope...
GOD HELP ME HANNAH MONTANA.
I was asked to provide my inhaler which in all truth was lost in a bar somewhere in North Dakota in 1993. Don't ask.
Hitting a patient is wrong.
I do expect at least six of you to volunteer for puppy adoption. Hear me? SIX OF YOU.
I bet your husband drinks a lot.
As I helped Mr. Phallica walk with a walker, he used his elbow to squeeze my right 'bosom' tightly.
"Your wife wouldn't like that," I scolded him.
"If you gonna put it out there..." and he added a chicken wing movement.
"Time to weigh, Harry." A large nurse waddled by.
"With or without the hard-on?" He grinned at her blush.
"What the hell? Let's see what you got today." I patted his back as we continued our stroll up the rainbow hallway.
