TOP TEN NEW YEARS' RESOLUTIONS FOR THE NEXT DECADE

These are MY next ten years, people! The Roar-ing 20s are back! Herewith are my...

Top Ten New Years’ Resolutions For The Next Decade

10. Gain an extra twenty pounds. A month.

 9. I already spend 19 hours a day on social media. If I stay focused and apply myself, I think I can get that 20th hour.

 8. Tell more rambling stories.

 7. Do my hair toss, check my nails (Related: Get a tattoo of Lizzo from shoulder blade to shoulder blade)

 6. Start charging for my marriage and child rearing advice

 5. Eat more red meat, drink more whiskey, and kiss more pretty girls

 4. Finally determine the perfect amount of time to microwave a yam

 3. Follow Nickelback on tour

 2. Less empathy and more judgment, especially for people who are different from me

And my number one New Years’ Resolution for the next decade…

 1. Quit writing so many lists!

-Jason Rohrblogger (12/31/19)

TOP TEN REJECTED SANTA BANDS

St. Nick is putting on his fog hat and getting the band back together. Herewith are the...

Top Ten Rejected Santa Bands

10. Sleigh-er

 9. The Rolling Gnomes

 8. Red Hat Chili Peppers

 7. Clausagoogoo

 6. Santana

 5. Mötley Cüpid

 4. Haulin’ Oats

 3. Salt n’ Peppamint

 2. Fleetwood Elf

And the number one rejected Santa band name…

1. Blue Öldster Cult (more sleigh bell!)

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/25/19)

And the alternates..

Rudolf Against the Machine
The North Police
Vixen
Prancer and The Revolution
Night Stranger
Alice in Reigns
Dire Saints
Lump of Coalplay
NichoLos Lobos
Maroon 5 Golden Rings
Jesus and Mary Chain
Santa's Midnight Runners
Snow Patrol
Kris Krossmas
Presents! At the Disco

TOP TEN REJECTED HANUKKAH BANDS

Top Ten Rejected Hanukkah Bands

10. Menorah at Work

 9. Gefilte Phish

 8. Maimonides Tabernacle Choir

 7. ZZ Dreidel

 6. Any Other Night Ranger

 5. Steve Mohel Band

 4. Oil Light Orchestra

 3. Mäzel Crüe

 2. Red Hot Kosher Peppers

And the number one Rejected Hanukkah Band...

 1. The Velvet Undergelt

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/22/19)

TOP TEN SIGNS IT IS CHRISTMAS IN PHOENIX, ARIZONA

Top Ten Signs it is Christmas in Phoenix, Arizona

10. Stockings hung by the chimichanga with care

 9. No room at the inn, baby Jesus has to be born at the Circle K

 8. Bad little boys and girls get a lump of peyote

 7. When Santa hoists his bag of gifts, it is a dry heave

 6. Mormon elves on mission from North Pole Tabernacle

 5. Mrs. Claus making venison tamales

 4. Border Patrol dispatched to Isthmus of Misfit Toys

 3. Eggnog tastes suspiciously like mezcal-and-Sprite

 2. 4X4 sleigh with a twelve-inch lift kit

And the number one sign it is Christmas in Phoenix, Arizona...

 1. Then one foggy Christmas Eve, Santa came to say, "Rudolph with your fully automatic assault antlers lit so bright, won't you clear I-10 tonight?"

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/23/18)

TOP TEN SIGNS IT IS HANUKKAH IN PHOENIX, ARIZONA

Top Ten Signs it is Hanukkah in Phoenix, Arizona

10. Kids spin fully automatic assault dreidel made of clay

 9. Bubbe serves gefilte tamales

 8. Manischewitz has a worm in the bottom of the bottle

 7. Why is tonight different than any other night? It is not 117°F in the shade.

 6. Sufganiyot tastes suspiciously like a tortilla stuffed with manteca 

 5. Mormonides comes down from Utah to read the Torah

 4. Half the gelt are pesos

 3. Combo plate includes: refried latkes, carne Masada tacos, and kosher carnitas

 2. Family only has enough peyote for one night, but it lasts for eight

And the number one sign it is Hanukkah in Phoenix, Arizona...

 1. Mohel cuts off the end of your chimichanga 

-Jason Rohrblogger (12/9/18)

TOP TEN SIGNS IT IS CHRISTMAS IN BAKERSFIELD, CALIFORNIA

Top Ten Signs it is Christmas in Bakersfield, California

10. Eight tiny reindeer spotted in high density feed lot at Harris Ranch

 9. All stockings stuffed with Kern County Fair footlong corndogs

 8. Santa asks Rudolph to guide his sleigh tonight because the Air Quality Index is above five-hundred

 7. Chevron drills for oil on Island of Misfit Toys

 6. Sugar Plum fairy has six teeth and a full back tattoo

 5. Bright star seen in East just illegal fireworks

 4. Little Drummer Boy playing for three drunk line dancers at Buck Owens' Crystal Palace

 3. Santa living in RV Park off Highway 99

 2. Three Wise Men moved to Morro Bay

And the number one sign it is Christmas in Bakersfield, California...

 1. Oildale tweakers cook up a holiday batch of Christmeth

-Jason Rohrblogger

(12/24/15)

TOP TEN SIGNS IT IS HANUKKAH IN BAKERSFIELD, CALIFORNIA

Top Ten Signs it is Hanukkah in Bakersfield, California

10. Chevron fracks enough oil for one night, but it lasts for eight

 9. Maccabees fight for right to party

 8. Fine coffee normally served at Buck Owen's Crystal palace replaced with Manischewitz wine. Let's see if anyone notices.

 7. Why is tonight different from every other night? The Air Quality Index is below five-hundred.

 6. Every shiksa in Oildale gets a Star of David tramp stamp

 5. Bubbe's potato latkes taste suspiciously like Bubba's animal fries from In-n-Out Burger on Highway 99

 4. NASCAR track celebrates Festival of Light Beer

 3. Dustbowl conditions mean no clay for dreidels, kids play spin-the-bottle instead.

 2. Sufganiyot just kosher Dunkin' Donuts

And the number one sign it is Hanukkah in Bakersfield, California...

 1. Stetson yarmulkes and leather fringe prayer shawls

-Jason Rohrblogger

(12/24/15)

TOP TEN SIGNS SANTA IS GETTING TOO OLD FOR THIS

Top Ten Signs Santa is Getting Too Old for This

10. Candy cane replaced with actual cane

 9. Reindeer games now only bingo and shuffleboard

 8. Popping Geritol like sugarplums

 7. In emergency, calls on Rudolph to change his adult diapers

 6. Then: Milk and cookies

     Now: Milk of Magnesia and Ensure

 5. His joints are more accurate than the weatherman

 4. Can't fit walker down chimney

 3. "Going all night" means not getting up to pee

 2. Then: On Dasher, on Dancer! On Prancer and Vixen! 

     Now: On Dilantin, on Darvocet! On Flomax and Lasix!

And the number one sign Santa is getting too old for this...

 1. I heard him exclaim, as he rode out the dawn, "Merry Christmas to all, and stay off my lawn!"

-Jason Rohrblogger

(12/24/13)

And the alternates...

Stays away from natural foods, because he needs all the preservatives he can get

Fell asleep at the sleigh

Naughty kids given a lump of green jello

If North Pole stays frozen for longer than four hours, has to consult a physician

Used to be able to go all night at least once a year, now can barely get sled up for a few minutes

Belly shakes like a bowl full of prunes

Takes him longer to rest than it did to get tired

NORAD just tracks his pacemaker

Can't see over the sleigh, forgot the keys, and completely lost the Naughty List

AREA MAN IN PLUSH HIGH-RISE OFFICE 'BARELY SURVIVING'

After overhearing a colleague on the phone this morning, I wrote this quick "Onion"-style article:

Area Man in Plush High-rise Office 'Barely Surviving'

by Staff Business Correspondent Jason Rohrblogger

Beverly Hills--Area purchasing manager Herb Stoeffel reports that he is "Just hanging on" this morning at work.

Upon arrival in the carpeted, leather upholstered lobby, Stoeffel's administrative assistant greeted him with the news that a fresh pot of hazelnut coffee and warm glazed donuts have been delivered to the breakfast room by local vendor, Tri-state Office Equipment. Breathing a heavy sigh, Stoeffel advised his administrative assistant that "some days it's not even worth chewing through the straps to come to work, you know?" Sitting in his climate controlled office with high-speed internet and indirect lighting, Stoeffel noted that his voicemail indicator was blinking. "Will it never end?" he silently prayed to an unforgiving God.

Ten e-mails and one monthly report later, Stoeffel was blindsided by a lunch offer from his counterpart in marketing. "Morton's is out of the sea bass," marketing manager Al "Bad News" Thompson warned, "so it looks like either the Oscar-style filet mignon or the scallops croquette again."

"Why don't you just put a rusty shotgun in my stomach and pull the trigger?" Stoeffel wondered aloud, fighting to just take one breath at a time.

Adding to the impossible working conditions, Building Services announced that the number one stall in the men's room will be out of service for 45 minutes to fix a leaky water supply line with a request to use one of the other eight well-appointed, chemically deodorized stalls. "When will sweet death relieve me from this dystopian nightmare of existential doom?" Stoeffel muttered under his shallow breath. When asked by accounting receptionist Shaundra Malvo to please hold on the phone, Stoeffel replied that he is, "Barely holding it together, right now!"

"Sometimes he will just stare out of his 15th-floor corner window at the panoramic view of the Pacific Ocean for hours," observed office manager Anne-Marie Oshira. "Some days he can hardly focus or concentrate with all the problems going on. He's not the type of person you want to put on speaker during a phone conversation."

Finally informed that due to a "delay" in the mail room, all early morning packages will be personally hand-delivered to recipients by 10:30am this morning and not the usual 10:00am, Stoeffel just threw up his arms and shouted, "How are we supposed to run a business here? This is unbelievable!" Sources point out that it's not even Monday.

-Jason Rohrblogger (9/17/13)

TOP TEN FILL-IN-THE-BLANKS FOR "I'D LIKE TO ______ HER _______."

Top Ten Fill-in-the-Blanks for "I'd Like to ______ Her _______."

10. Pork, beans

 9. Batten down, hatches

 8. Wax, car

 7. Calculate, adjusted gross income

 6. Google, Yahoo

 5. Steam, clams

 4. Caulk, bathtub

 3. Trim, hedge

 2. Tack, carpet

And the number one fill-in-the-blank for "I'd like to ____ her ____..."

 1. Verb, noun

-Jason Rohrblogger
(4/30/12)

And the alternates...

Flick, Bic
Snake, drain
Kill, Bill
Seed, lawn
Shred, sensitive documents
Pillage, village
Degrease, oven
Vacuum, drapes
Check, math
Hang, blinds
Polish, brass
Flush, coolant
Seal, driveway
Stain, deck
Nail, trim

TOP TEN REJECTED BAKERIES

A friend is opening a bakery and asked for name suggestions. Here are some currant egg samples...

Top Ten Rejected Bakeries

10. Thorough Bread

 9. King of Tarts

 8. Uprising

 7. Go for Dough

 6. Half Baked

 5. Flour Power

 4. Grain Expectations

 3. La Boulingerie

 2. Batter Up

And the number one rejected bakery...

 1. L'il Yeasty's

-Jason Rohrblogger
(3/18/12)

And the alternates...

Lovin' Oven
Et Tu, Brûlée?
Dough See Dough
The Posh Nosh
In for a Penny, in for a Poundcake
Upper Crust
Cakey, Breaky, Hearth
Lox of Bagels
Dairy Home Companion
Salacious Crumbs
We Boast the Best Toast
Lick Our Spoon
Sweet Desires
Muffin Top
Cake4U
We're on a Roll
Nice Rack
Rolling in It
The French Confection
Diabetes Depot
Babycakes, Now with 10% Real Baby
Carbo Loaders
The Life of Pie
And Eat It, Too
Simple Simon's
Let Them Eat Cake
210°F
Mighty Morphin' Power Bagels
I Got Your Cupcake Right Here
Glazing the Doughnut
Butter Face
SpongeCake SquareHat
Hot Tossed Buns
Whisked Away
Gateau'd of Here!
Angel Food
The Torte Court
Chocolate Thunderballs
Neat Wheat
Queens of the Scone Age
Much Ado About Muffin
Fruitcakes in the Nuthouse
Marzy Pan's
Plum Crazy
Tiers for Flair
Wuthering Bites
Jack Frosting
Cap'n Calorie Crunch
Sugar Daddy's
Tres Leeches
Stuff Yer Cakehole!
Megaton's

TOP TEN CYNICAL VALENTINE'S DAY QUOTES

Top Ten Cynical  Valentine's Day Quotes


10. "Never go to bed mad -- stay up and fight." -Phyllis Diller


 9. "Once you have loved someone, you'd do anything in the world for them...except love them again."
       -Franklin Barnes

 8. "Love is like war: Easy to begin but hard to end." -Jan Forrest

 7. "Love has the power of making you believe what you would normally treat with the deepest suspicion."
      -Honoré Gabriel Riqueti

 6. "Three things can't be hidden: coughing, poverty, and love." -Yiddish proverb
 5. "I should like to see any kind of a man, distinguishable from a gorilla, that some good and even pretty woman could not shape a husband out of." -Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.
 4. "A woman might as well propose: her husband will claim she did." -Edgar Watson Howe

 3. "No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying." -Every Husband Ever

 2. "It is not uncommon for slight acquaintances to get married, but a couple really have to know each other to get divorced." -Willard G. Utley

And the number one cynical Valentine's Day quote...
 1. "The people people have for friends
      Your common sense appall
      But the people people marry
      Are the queerest folk of all." -Charlotte Perkins Gilman

-Jason Rohrblogger
(2/14/12)

And the alternates...

"It does not matter what you do in the bedroom as long as you do not do it in the street and frighten the horses." -Mrs. Patrick Campbell

"A happy home is one in which each spouse grants the possibility that the other may be right, though neither believes it." -Don Fraser

"If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?" -Dorothy Parker

"There are three kinds of men who do not understand women: Young, old, and middle-aged." -Anonymous (and with good reason)

TOP TEN REJECTED COOKIE FORTUNES

Top Ten Rejected Cookie Fortunes

10. Work hard and you will receive your reward tomorrow. In the afterlife.

 9. Do not worry. God sees all and forgives you. Even the stuff you did last night.

 8. As a Pisces, you should have known, that wasn't fish

 7. Work out harder and your date will like how you look. At least until the evening when you cannot get it up.

 6. Only a fool believes something written on a scrap of paper inside a stale cookie

 5. Everyone secretly agrees that your head is too small for your body

 4. The fortune you seek is in another pastry

 3. Someone has googled you recently

 2. It's all your fault

And the number one rejected cookie fortune...

 1. I found your boyfriend on Craigslist. He wasn't selling his pool table.

-Jason Rohrblogger and Dr. Rody
(2/9/12)

And the alternates...

You are not illiterate
Do not eat any Chinese food today, or you will be very sick
404 Fortune not found
You may be hungry again in one hour. Order some takeout now.
It is going to burn when you pee

JASON'S TOP TEN CURRENT AILMENTS

It appears that, by listing every ache and pain, there are folks on the internet getting more attention than me. This will not stand. Quintuple amputee? Botched gender reassignment? Sore nipples? Rest assured, no matter what the ailment, I am sicker than you. I an effort to garner endless sympathetic comments, herewith are Jason's Top Ten Current Health Issues. See you at my telethon...

Jason's Top Ten Current Ailments

10. My Renaissance Period is Late

 9. Ingrown Labia

 8. Rum Disease

 7. Cranial Yeast Infection

 6. Silky Discharge

 5. Boca Cerrada

 4. Colon Blow

 3. Weeping Prostate

 2. Syphilis Diller

And Jason's number one current health issue...

 1. His n' Herpes

-Jason Rohrblogger
(1/8/12)

And the alternates...

Chlamydia Chowder
Here Today Gonorrhea
Sexually Transmitted Unease
Prefrontal Lobe Piercing is Infected
Penile Autophagia
Subdural Michelle Bachman
Fybromyass
Earworm
Fall Down and Go Boom
Toenail Bulimia Nervosa
Shpilkes in the Genechtagazoink
Acute Anal Leakage
Total Blastoma
Rectal Havoc
Hypothalmic Arrest
Residual Halitosis

TOP TEN SIGNS SANTA HAS BEEN USING FACEBOOK AND TWITTER

10. He knows if you've been sleeping, he knows if you're awake all night playing Angry Birds

9. Sent his request to @Rudolph #WontYouGuideMySleigh Tonight?

8. Unfriended the Island of Misfit Toys

7. Those twitpics of your Halloween outfit almost put you on the Naughty List

6. The hash tag LumpOfCoal is trending in your stocking

5. Hasn't checked his e-mail since last Christmas

4. Missed delivering gifts to all of New Jersey because Blitzen stopped to harvest his crops in Farmville

3. All letters to Santa must be 140 characters or less

2. Just checked-in to your chimney on Yelp

And the number one sign Santa has been using Facebook and Twitter...

1. Requests streaming milk and cookies directly to his iSled

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/25/11)

101 THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE

101 Things I Want to Do Before I Die

1. Run for Mayor of Funkytown

2. Go to the Wailing Wall and yell, "Hey, Kool-Aid!"

3. Finally pay off my tab at Hooters

4. Double down on a pair of twos in Vegas, baby, Vegas

5. Make a movie starring midgets, crossdressers, and a pink chihuahua

6. Go paraspelunking

7. Date a zoologist

8. Memorize the Qur'an backwards

9. Give a lecture series on banditry

10. Sing the entire libretto to Puccini's "Gianni Schicchi" at karaoke

11. Start a bachata band but insist on playing it conjunto-style

12. Join the La Leche League

13. Photograph a leprechaun breaking a wild unicorn in the Tropic of Cancer

14. Play it cool for awhile

15. Take up smoking

16. Learn how to pilot a paper airplane

17. Buy one of Aerosmith's guitar pics on eBay

18. Three-day backcountry bivouac in Beverly Hills

19. Fly, captain, fly on a mystery ship

20. Yell "THEATER!" in a crowded fire

21. Finish translating "The Epic of Gilgamesh" into Valley Girl

22. Quell an uprising

23. Finally lose at Jeopardy

24. Slap a parking enforcement officer

25. Graduate High school

26. Mosey

27. Read the entire ingredient list on a packet of ketchup

28. Road trip

29. Backup Jennifer Aniston's hard drive

30. Fly in a jet

31. Cry over spilled milk

32. Finish writing my manifesto

33. Fish for Great White Plankton

34. Die and come back

35. Pirate a video about pirates

36. Sail in the Baltic Sea

37. Visit the DMV in the Congo

38. Complete the Marlboro Marathon

39. Lead a full-scale land invasion of Kate Winslet

40. Spend more time at the office

41. Be a stunt man for a major film

42. Read the entire collected works of Margaret Mitchell

43. Hang out with a monkey

44. Walk the plank

45. Sell a chicken at an open-air market

46. Sketch Chernobyl at sunset

47. Do fifty crunches in less than a year

48. Fly too close to the sun

49. Eat at Ed's

50. Play H.O.R.S.E with Kobe Bryant

51. Spit fire

52. Be a spokesman for phlebotomy

53. Put a dollar in the Statue of Liberty's g-string

54. Tour with Tito Jackson

55. Spill the beans

56. Set a world record

57. Kill a real live zombie

58. Cry havoc

59. Take a mime class in Mandarin

60. Run amok

61. Introduce a hippie chick to Ayn Rand

62. Locate the Lost City of Detroit

63. Strike anywhere

64. Build a raft using only coconut hulls and a stick of gum

65. Outsource Michael Moore to China

66. Fill a Jacuzzi with whipped cream and Tabasco sauce

67. Mess with those British dudes who don't move

68. Party with Gabe Kaplan

69. Fence a stolen ketchup packet

70. Reconcile proto-Marxist feminist ideology with a milkshake that brings all the boys to the yard

71. Tell Ricky Martin to shut up

72. Eat sushi with Aquaman

73. Sew a split personality back together

74. Represent

75. Filter water using only my own sense of right and wrong

76. Compete in a krumping competition

77. Smoke a boneless rubber chicken

78. Build an Easter basket out of extruded aluminum

79. Have a cool mural painted on my car

80. Act in a school play within a school play about a school play

81. Compete in a hot dog eating competition

82. Neutralize that one Teletubby that looks at me funny

83. Give out free hugs

84. Describe a color that no one has ever seen before

85. Finally look before I leap

86. Point out the obsequious

87. Learn a bunch of stuff

88. Come to love the smell of Napalm in the morning

89. Lens my Donny Osmond biopic

90. Get into a rap battle

91. Swim the Ganges River at high pyre

92. Pledge allegiance to McDonald's, Disneyland, and Budweiser

93. Frankly give a damn

94. Wish upon a starfish

95. Finish third for once

96. Set the voices in my head to music

97. Play jai alai

98. Jump through a glass window

99. Learn to make tacos provençale

100. Get a Burma shave

And the 101st thing I want to do before I die is...

101. Date übermodel Gabourey Sidibe

-Jason Rohrblogger
(4/5/11)

TOP TEN PET FOOD STORE NAMES

Note: a friend is opening up a pet food store in Chandler, AZ and has solicited help with store names. Herewith are my...

Top Ten Pet Food Store Names

10. Hot Dogs and Cool Cats

9. Haute Dogs and Fat Cats

8. Indiana Bones the Temple of Gruel

7. Millionhairs

6. Pam-Purred Pets

5. Phi-Dough

4. Snoop Doggy Grog

3. Iams What Iams

2. Growl Bowl

And the number one pet food store name...

1. The Manic Organic

-Jason Rohrblogger
(2/10/11)

And the alternates...

Animal Crackers
The Masticating Mongrel
Collar and Leash
Bonedaddy
I Can Haz Catfoodz?
Beast Buffet
The Critter Counter
The Tabby Table
Smorgasdog
The Need for Feed
Fois Claw
Free Range Alpo
Bow Wow Barn
For the Birds
Party Animal
The Gilded Retch
Doggie Style
Trash Can Sam's
Atomic Dog
Bow Wow Wow Yipee Yo Yipee Yay
Eau de Toilette
Kitty Vittles
Pet Project
Got Milk?
Pussy and Pooch Pethouse Pets
Blue Collar Bites
The Mangy Morsel
Purina Chow Chow Chow
Cat Comestibles
Kitten Cuisine
Labrador Larder
Kennel Ration
Puppy Pablum
Snake Snacks
Fido Feast
Poodle Provisions
Benji Bread
Collie Cooking
Fox Fodder
Feline Fare

TOP TEN BANNED PHRASES 2011

Top Ten Banned Phrases 2011

10. LOL

9. Mortgage meltdown

8. Fail

7. BFF

6. Refudiate

5. Friend as a verb

4. Man up

3. _____ is like Hitler.

2. Epic

And the number one banned phrase 2011

1. Blood libel

-Jason Rohrblogger
(1/20/11)

TOP TEN RAIN ONE LINERS

Note: Los Angeles has had unprecedented precipitation breaking all records for the month of December. Herewith are my...

Top Ten Rain One Liners

10. The rain is so bad I just got pulled over by the Coast Guard on the 405 Freeway

9. I was cited for not having enough life jackets in my Corolla

8. The rain is so bad the carpool lane has a diving board

7. The rain is so bad that Christopher Cross song doesn't sound so relaxing anymore

6. There is so much water in the sky, I saw a bird wearing swim fins

5. The water table is up to my kitchen table

4. The rain is so bad my rainbow sank

3. The rain is so bad McDonald's has a swim-thru window

2. The rain is so bad Jay Leno is driving a fleet of submarines

And the number one rain one liner...

1. The rain is so bad George W. Bush is sending Michel D. Brown to see what all the hubbub is about

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/29/10)

And the alternates...

Kevin Costner just green lit a Water World sequel
Nemo found at a Lakers game
Little Mermaid no longer wishing for legs
Live crabs at Red Lobster make a break for it
Ke$ha finally caught in a shower
Tommy Chong high, but not dry
Endless parade of Hummers have a reason for three feet of ground clearance
Graffiti completely washed from the concrete walls of the Los Angeles River
Paparazzi using periscopes
Noah Wyle seen building an ark
Deadliest Catch shot in South Central
Variety declares: "Drought Out! Fins in!"
LAX only open to Hydroplanes
Real Estate literally underwater

TOP TEN REJECTED CHRISTMAS TELEVISION SPECIALS

Top Ten Rejected Christmas Television Specials

10. A Very Special Awkward Aunt Meets Drunken Uncle Christmas

9. A Very Special Ludachristmas

8. Mediocre Mel's Very Average Christmas

7. Behind the North Pole

6. You're No Longer Relevant, Charlie Brown

5. A Very Special Muslim Mouse Meets Christian Cat

4. Pope Benediddy's Xtreme Xmas Rockin' Eve!

3. How the Grinch Stole $500 Billion in Unsecured Stock Derivatives

2. Bethlehem Idol

And the number one rejected Christmas television special...

1. Rabbi Shmuley Boteach's Claymation Dradle-fest 2010

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/5/10)

And the alternates...

A Very Special Happy Holidays from Salem Sally the Procrastinating Witch Who Should Have Had Her Special Out in Time for Halloween

The Littlest Prostitute

Chrizzy in the Hizzy: MC Screwj Bitch Slaps Christmas

Blitzen in Lockdown: A North Pole Prison Tail

4.5% Amortized 'til New Years: The Federal Reserve Saves Christmas

A Very Special Home Invasion

Year Without a Santa Clause, Easter Bunny, or Tooth Fairy

A Kwanzaa Karol

101st Reindeer Airborne take Tora Bora for Baby Jesus

For Whom the Sleigh Bell Tolls

SANTA'S TOP TEN REJECTED REINDEER

Santa's Top Ten Rejected Reindeer

10. Boner

9. Blitzed

8. Surly

7. Vexed

6. Lazy

5. Rudolph the Red Nosed Giuliani

4. Basher

3. Hesher

2. Sneezy

And Santa's number one rejected reindeer...

1. Snoop Doggy Deer

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/20/10)

And the alternates...

Goth
Osama
Punky
Sauer Kraut
Inky, Dinky, Binky, Clyde
Mario
Venison
Quagmire

LAME QUIZ

Here's another one of those stupid quizzes I love.

FAVE SONG: Baby Got Back (I like big butts and I cannot lie)

LADIES: SUPERMAN OR CLARK KENT? Superkent

GENTS: GINGER OR MARYANN? Ginger was a slut! I pick Ginger...

FAVE QUOTE: "Let me show you where."

TELL ME A SECRET, C'MON: My anaconda don't want none unless you got buns, hon.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVE FOOD? Lobster stuffed inside filet mignon stuffed inside a paté of duck liver

DESCRIBE YOUR IDEAL MATE: Chainsmoking librarian who owns a liquor store

IF YOU COULD CHANGE ANYTHING ABOUT YOURSELF WHAT WOULD IT BE? I would tone down my extreme sexiness one notch

WHAT IS YOUR EYE COLOR? Red

WHAT IS THE MOST VULGAR STATEMENT YOU'VE SAID OR OVERHEARD? You're now in the top tax bracket

EVER HAD A CRUSH ON A FRIEND? And a couple of enemies

ANY FOREIGN LANGUAGES? I'm fluent in colloquial Swahili

FAVE WORD? Bitches

WORDS OF WISDOM?: Cut the red wire

MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND: Lance Armstrong

LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND: Jackie Kennedy

SAY SOMETHING NICE ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU: Jennifer you rock and you rock and you don't stop

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/17/10)

TOP TEN POLITICALLY CORRECT CHRISTMAS CAROLS

Top Ten Politically Correct Christmas Carols

10. Frosty the Snowperson

9. I'm Dreaming of a Multicultural Christmas

8. O Come Let us Adore Him or Her

7. Jolly Mature Morally-Gifted Nicholas

6. Rudolph the Recovering-Alcoholic Reindeer-American

5. Vertically Challenged Drummer Child of Undetermined Gender

4. Oh Holiday Tree

3. Have Yourself a Merry Little Day of Winter

2. Grandma Allegedly Got Run Over by a Non-Human Perpetrator

1. I'll be Home for a Short Period of Time in December

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/14/10)

And the alternates...

Rudolph the Differently-abled Reindeer

Chestnuts Roasting on a Safely Maintained Continuously Monitored Nontoxic Eco-friendly Outdoor Fire for which I do Have a Permit

Higher Power Rest Ye Merry Gentlepeople

Deck the Halls with Boughs of Unendangered Foliage (If Office Policy Permits)

Hark! The Herald Mythical Winged Creature Sings

I Saw Mommy Greeting Santa Claus with a Purely Platonic Expression of Inoffensive Mutual Affection

We Wish You a Merry Non-Religious-Specific Day-Off in Winter

Oh Come all Ye of Extreme Loyalty to Non-Material Evidence

Oh Devout Night

O Little Town of Palestinian Joint Rule

We Three Misogynist Autocrats of Eastern Asia Are

TOP TEN REJECTED EUPHEMISMS FOR SANTA GOING DOWN THE CHIMNEY

Top Ten Rejected Euphemisms for Santa Going Down the Chimney

10. Gleaming the tube

9. The full Mary Poppins

8. Donning the sweet soot suite suit

7. Riding the fire

6. Smoking the hole

5. Chimnastics

4. Going on facebrick

3. Getting a piece of ash

2. Sucking the yule fuel

And the number one rejected euphemism for Santa going down the chimney...

1. Catching the flue

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/10/10)

And the alternates...

Flamediving
Singeing Santa
Baking the beard
Sautéing the Saint
Roasting los regalos
Reindeer dropping
The jolly old Viking funeral
Lighting Santa's Cigarette
Cooking Father Christmas
Searing the sucker
Taking the hellivator
Cramming the gramps
Parachuting the pyre
Infiltrating the inferno
The Nocturnal Nick Knock
Sticking the stovepipe
Gerbaling the Jolly Elf
Sucking the soot cigar
Crawling the carbon cavern
Dunking in the dark drain
Thumbing the thermal throughway
The sleighride through central spark
Stalking the stockings
Reaming the resin
Cleaning the cough cave
Flying the furnace
Entering the exhaust
Crunching candy canes down Internal Combution Canyon
Bouncing down Backdraft Blvd
Up Soot Creek

TOP TEN WIKILEAKS SURPRISES

Top Ten WikiLeaks Surprises

10. Angela Merkel secretly likes it when George W. Bush rubs her shoulders after a hard day at the summit

9. Hillary Clinton can never remember the name of that one dude from Kazakhstan. You know, the guy with the fez or the keffiyeh or the sarong or whatever.

8. Muammar Khadafi likes to feel pretty on the weekends

7. Vladimir Putin spends thirty hours a week looking at LOL cats

6. Fidel Castro really hates the U.S.

5. In May of 2009, Canada was six hours away from launching a full scale land invasion of Megan Fox before a settlement was reached for her to not star in any more Transformers movies

4. Belgium will waterboard it's own citizens after three unpaid parking tickets

3. Burmese Strongman Than Shwe has the worst garlic breath

2. Iran just wants to be held

And the number one WikiLeaks surprise...

1. Jimmy Carter once shanked a man over access to the Suez Canal

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/7/10)

And the alternates...

Bill Clinton still has a top secret Russian nurse who handles all of his medicine

Mobutu Sese Seko can hang ten with Tom Hanks in Malibu on the righteous waves

The Kardashians are talentless hacks

The 'h' in Kathmandu is not silent

Sarah Palin is actually an Oxford-trained economist who just acts dumb so she will appeal to real Americans

TOP TEN WAYS TO QUIT SMOKING

Top Ten Ways to Quit Smoking

10. Smoke twenty joints in one day instead

9. Completely stop eating or having sex

8. Receive one pie in the face every time you light up (clowns only)

7. Freebase the nicotine

6. Exploding cigarettes

5. Warm turkey

4. Tongue-kiss Joe Camel every time you feel like a smoke

3. Switch to a bubble-pipe

2. Replace the fine tobacco normally served with Folger's Crystals

And the number one way to quit smoking...

1. Stop breathing

-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/3/10)

TOP TEN BABY BOBROFF NAMES

I have some friends with the last name Bobroff who are having a baby. They don't know the sex yet, but have solicited name suggestions...

Top Ten Baby Bobroff Names

10. Bobby (or Bobbi) Bobroff

9. Boris Bobroff

8. Yakov Smirnoff Chekhov Bobroff

7. SpongeBobroff SquareParents

6. Ninja Bobroff

5. David Hasselbobroff

4. Robert "Bob" Roff

3. Kneel Before Zodroff

2. Jayden Taylor Morgan Hailey Madison Aiden Logan Dylan Tyler Mason Landon Brayden Carter Hunter Dallas Conner Austin Blair Aydan Diego Brody Tristan Blake Hayden Colton Parker Addison Riley Heath Aubrey Peyton Brooke Mackenzie Regan Bailey Cooper Garth Avery Cameron Jordon Cole Mathis Callum Devin Quentin Caden Trinity Kylie Wyatt Zoe Cody Paige Bryce Carson Walker Sierra Chase Blaine Cheyenne Skylar Gavin Jackson Caleb Murphy Tate Madden Sloane Harper Vaughan Sherman Broseph Bobroff

And the number one baby Bobroff name...

1. Jason Rohrbobroff

-Jason Rohrblogger
(9/14/10)

And the alternates...

Professor Longhair
Big Chief
Canis Major
Barrack
ThunderQuilt
Posh Spice
Spandau
Apollo
Frampton
Snooki
Tanqueray
Suri
Cinnamon Ginger
Oedipus
Zovirax
Caliber
Puck
Keanu Matrix Point Break Speed
Sidewinder
Long John
Spanky

JASON'S TOP TEN FAVE LINES FROM STEPHANIE AT SEA, 2010

My cousin, Stephanie, is spending four months on a ship traveling the world for Semester at Sea. She is blogging her experiences over at Stephanie at Sea, 2010. Here are...

Jason's Top Ten Fave Lines from Stephanie at Sea, 2010

10. "Fitting four months of 'stuff' in two bags is a very interesting process."

9. "[G]ladly leave behind my designer shoes that could have paid for another plane ticket in Viet Nam."

8. "Facing something new is such a crazy rush."

7. "I like this chair, I like this corner of the room, the light peeking out of the shutters is enticing."

6. "This opportunity to live and be alive is all I need."

5. "We had to pull a mission impossible to sneak all of us into this two person max room. After we settled in, we went to Tim Horton's for Iced Caps...a delicious Canadian must (especially in the Roy family)."

4. "It's nice to get away from the concrete that surrounds Southern California and take a breather on the coast."

3. "Keeping my mind in check really helps when trying to make this trip last for the exact amount of time that it needs to."

2. "Met up with our awesome crew [and] danced the night away."

And Jason's number one fave line from Stephanie at Sea, 2010...

1. "I am Stephanie Roy and I love life."

-Jason Rohrblogger
(9/5/10)

And the alternates...

"...[W]e run into four executives in dress suits who couldn't help but laugh as we frantically apologized for the hotel not supplying us towels. We made it back to the room out of breath and hysterical...."

"The blue of the ocean is not only blue, it is every shade of turquoise, light blue, dark blue, and blues in between."

"I will be getting the first hand, real experience, of living with a Moroccan family."

"My views on life are manifesting on this ship."

"I am starting to enjoy the rolling."

"We were parallel with the Big Dipper...it was huge! I saw at least four shooting stars. I know Grandpa is up there enjoying all of these experiences with me. It is so humbling to be on a small ship in the middle of the ocean with nothing but ocean and sky until the end of the earth."

"I miss that last hour to sleep in."

"Music is wonderful."

"Obviously by the flow of this post, my 23-hour days are getting a hold of me. Goodnight."

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU ARE SPENDING TOO MUCH TIME ON FACEBOOK

Top Ten Signs You Are Spending Too Much Time on Facebook

10. Your kids are hungry, the lawn is dead, and mail spills out of the box, but your Farmville is blinged-out perfection

9. Haven't checked your boring old e-mail in six months

8. Spent the last three days looking at ancient yearbook photos, LOL cats, and recycled status updates

7. You feel the urge to tell the entire internet what kind of toilet paper you just used

6. You take caffeine as a helper-drug so you can do more Facebook

5. You've friended people's pets and all of their friends

4. You use friend as a verb

3. Your boss buys you lunch, and you shout, "Like! LOL! ♥ ♥ ♥!"

2. You suffer from coitus wall-post interuptus

And the number one sign you are spending too much time on Facebook...

1. Blogger who?

-Jason Rohrblogger
(8/26/10)

TOP TEN ECONOMY ONE-LINERS

Top Ten Economy One-liners

The economy is so bad that...

10. I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail

9. African television stations are now showing "Sponsor an American Child" commercials

8. Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries

7. Exxon-Mobil laid off twenty-five Congressmen

6. The ATM gave me an IOU

5. McDonald's is selling the Quarter Ouncer

4. CEOs are now playing miniature golf

3. I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife

2. I bought a toaster oven and my free gift with purchase was a bank

And the number one economy one-liner...

1. My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, so they re-possessed her

-Jason Rohrblogger
(7/14/10)

And the alternates...

I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

A stripper was injured when her audience showered her with pennies

Barack Obama changed his slogan to "Maybe We Can"

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than General Motors

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico

Motel 6 won't leave the light on anymore

A picture is now only worth two-hundred words

Wall Street renamed "Wal-Mart Street"

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they have to share a room

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas taken over by Somali pirates

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America

I eat cereal with a fork to save milk

And two last economy jokes:

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, and retirement funds, I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck...

I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

JASON MAKES CELEBRITY SMACK

Jason makes Celebrity Smack again! I originally bought Crystal Head Vodka because of the cool bottle. Then I discovered it is really good vodka and it is imported by Dan Aykroyd! When I saw that he was going to have a bottle-signing event, I knew I would have to get a skull full o' booze signed for my fave gossip blogger, Spicy Pants, over at Celebrity Smack. We both started blogging in 2004(!) and have read each other for the last six years. Spicy is a fan of both vodka and Dan Aykroyd, so it was a perfect fit.

Thank you for the shout-out, Spicy! You know I can't wait to read what you post after a few slugs of skull juice! Ha!

-Jason Rohrblogger
(6/27/10)

TOP TEN BIRTHDAY QUOTES

Here you go, Karen...

Top Ten Birthday Quotes

10. To me, old age is always fifteen years older than I am.
-Bernard Baruch

9. I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
-Phyllis Diller

8. Like many women my age, I am 28-years-old.
-Mary Schmich

7. A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.
-Erma Bombeck

6. Old age isn't so bad when you consider the alternative.
-Maurice Chevalier

5. There is still no cure for the common birthday.
-John Glenn

4. You are only young once, but you can be immature for a lifetime.
-John P. Grier

3. People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.
-George Burns

2. Inside every older person is a younger person - wondering what the hell happened.
-Cora Harvey Armstrong

And the number one birthday quote...

1. A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.
-Robert Frost

-Jason Rohrblogger
(6/1/10)

JACK'S LINKS

A big thank-you to Jack over at Fat Jack's Erratic Rants for linking to my British Petroleum Excuses list and flooding my fragile bloglands with traffic. Thanks for the shout-out, Jack! May your shoreline be unsp-oil-ed and your coast ever clear.

TOP TEN TV SHOW TITLES THAT DESCRIBE MY LIFE

Top Ten TV Show Titles that Describe My Life

10. 10 Things I Hate about You

9. Breaking Bad

8. Lie to Me

7. Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?

6. Laff-A-Lympics

5. The Bachelor

4. Biggest Loser

3. Jeopardy

2. Lost

And the number one TV show title that describes my life...

1. Clueless

-Jason Rohrblogger
(5/25/10)

And the alternates...

Diff'rent Strokes
Have Gun - Will Travel
Yes, Dear
Good Times
The Twilight Zone
Mission: Impossible

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU ARE SPENDING TOO MUCH TIME IN TRAFFIC

Top Ten Signs You are Spending Too Much Time in Traffic

10. No blood in your butt

9. You've gone three blocks in the last hour

8. Your family celebrated their last four Christmases in the passenger seat

7. Red light camera has more pictures of you than Facebook

6. Your DNA is now 50% exhaust

5. Waited so long to clear the intersection, your tags have expired

4. Completely out of ammo (Los Angeles only)

3. A crippled three-toed sloth stopped for a nap and still beat you to the light

2. Traffic report is thirty seconds of the DJ screaming obscenities and questioning the existence of a cruel God who mocks our very attempts at transportation

And the number one sign you are spending too much time in traffic...

1. Have just enough time to fuel up between drive-thrus

-Jason Rohrblogger
(5/22/10)

TOP TEN BRITISH PETROLEUM EXCUSES

Top Ten British Petroleum Excuses

10. Oil tankers burn fuel and pollute. Trying to deliver crude oil to the shore by all-natural wave action instead

9. Saved enough money on safety equipment to buy three U.S. senators

8. Delicate Gulf Coast ecosystem had it coming

7. Thought Americans would be too distracted by Big Macs and Coca-Cola to notice

6. Daniel Day Lewis drank their milkshake

5. I mean, it's bad, but it's no Katrina. Am I right?

4. Heard Sarah Palin saying "Spill, baby, spill..."

3. Attempting to break record for world's largest tarball party

2. Believed shrimp appetizers at Chili's needed more oil in them

And the number one British Petroleum excuse...

1. It's a Presidents Day safety valve BLOWOUT! This weekend ALL safety valves MUST go! Backup valves, bivalves, even heart valves! Everything is being blown out the door! Gallons of oil, deepwater rigs, and rusty drill bits will be released to the public at ROCK BOTTOM prices! Coral reefs, shoreline habitats, and oyster beds will be UTTERLY DESTROYED by our insane basement blowout MADNESS! Look for the fire on the water and smoke in the sky! This blowout is so popular, BP has extended it for the rest of the SUMMER! This Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, our safety valves have failed and we pass the crude on to you! We must be crazy to be giving unprocessed hydrocarbons away at these prices! This. Summer. Only! C'mon down to Crazy BP's safety valve-tacular. It's distasterrific!

-Jason Rohrblogger
(5/18/10)

TOP TEN VODKAS

Top Ten Vodkas

10. Skyy

9. Russian Standard

8. Smirnoff

7. Cîroc

6. Stolichnaya

5. Absolut

4. Belvedere

3. Grey Goose

2. Crystal Head

And the number one vodka...

1. Ketel One

-Jason Rohrblogger
(5/15/2010)

TOP TEN REJECTED BOOKS OF THE BIBLE

Top Ten Rejected Books of the Bible

10. The Gospel According to Moishe

9. Genesis without Phil Collins

8. Numb3rs

7. Ruth Does Gomorrah

6. The Song of Solomon Remains the Same

5. Paul's Letter to the Rastafarians

4. Hebruise

3. Jerusalem Idol

2. Jesus' Top Ten Sermons

And the number one rejected book of the Bible...

1. Bill and Ted's Bogus Gospel

-Jason Rohrblogger
(04/15/07)

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR CAR BOMB IS A DUD

Top Ten Signs Your Car Bomb is a Dud

10. While festive, filling your payload with silly string and confetti will not increase the impact

9. Your manure is homemade

8. You insist on removing the propane tanks to make room for your kickin' speakerbox

7. Clown car holds two hundred hilarious martyrs, but no detonator

6. Mini Cooper = mini boomer

5. The brakes go out on your Toyota ScudRunner before you can even get it to the infidel target

4. Timer set to go off at midnight February 30th, 2011

3. Entire warhead is a dashboard Jesus strapped to an M-80

2. Fine nitrates normally ignited replaced with Folger's Crystals

And the number one sign your car bomb is a dud...

1. Acme Manhat-o-splode designed by Shaikh Wahile-i-Khyote

-Jason Rohrblogger
(5/6/10)

TOP TEN REJECTED MEN'S MAGAZINES

Top Ten Rejected Men's Magazines

10. Unpopular Mechanics

9. Economy Car Digest

8. Cosmo Kramer Politan

7. Gentlemen's Bicentennially

6. Playbill

5. Flomaxim

4. Sissyboy

3. Feeled and Scream

2. Gynecomastia Weakly

And the number one rejected men's magazine...

1. Martha Stewart Handgun Collection

-Jason Rohrblogger
(5/3/10)

And the alternates...

Madmenmoiselle
American Male Cheerleader
Tiger Woods Beat
Teen Rogue

I LIKE MY GOSSIP LIKE I LIKE MY TACO: SPICY

A big thank-you to Spicy Pants over at Celebrity Smack for linking to my Pope Benedict Excuses list and blowing up my stats like Sandra Bullock's marriage! Celebrity Smack is a daily visit for me as Spicy expounds on all things gossip. Check it, fool!

Thank you for the blog love, Spicy Pants!

-Jason Rohrblogger

TOP TEN POPE BENEDICT EXCUSES

Top Ten Pope Benedict Excuses

10. Those altar boys were asking for it the way they were wearing those vestments

9. A few bad apostles are spoiling the whole church

8. Clerical error

7. All these issues happened in the past and there is no more abuse going on today

6. Should have never canonized St. Peter Asty

5. Per papal doctrine, abused children were never forced to get abortions

4. For easier identification, priests now required to carry candy and drive windowless vans

3. Just trying to keep up with the Mormons

2. What's a little sacrament in the vestibule among friends? Wink-wink

And the number one Pope Benedict excuse...

1. So confident that the problems are fixed, Pope Benedict is sending his own son off to the seminary

-Jason Rohrblogger
(4/27/10)

And the alternate...

Would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for those meddling kids!

TOP TEN LADIES

Top Ten Ladies

10. Godiva

9. Bird Johnson

8. In Waiting

7. Luck

6. Fingers

5. Chatterly's Lover

4. Bug

3. Liberty

2. Madonna

And the number one lady...

1. Diana

-Jason Rohrblogger
(4/24/10)

And the alternates...

Antebellum
Hawke
In Red
Jane Grey
Business
MacBeth
Elaine Fairchild
Foot Locker
Lay, Lay Across My Big Brass Bed
's Room
Smith Black Mambazo
Sings the Blues
Gaga

TOP TEN GOLDMAN SACHS EXCUSES

Top Ten Goldman Sachs Excuses

10. Thought working folks would be more willing to give up their pension plans to fund executive bonuses

9. Sachs of gold were getting low

8. Volcano in Europe caused them to take bad risks

7. Merely made a fraudian slip

6. Don't believe the children are our future

5. Ex junk bond junkies getting high on toxic mortgages, what could go wrong?

4. Got online MBA from Hurvurd Univarsity

3. Don't hate the player, hate the game

2. Replaced the fine investments normally sold with Folger's Crystals

And the number one Goldman Sachs excuse...

1. Their congressmen got repossessed once they stopped making payments

-Jason Rohrblogger
(4/21/10)

TOP TEN REJECTED TAVERNS

Top Ten Rejected Taverns

10. DUI Fridays

9. Derivatives

8. Owl's

7. Archie's Bunker

6. Molester's

5. Mile Fifteen Gas-n-Chug

4. Messiah's

3. Bad News Beers

2. O'Guilty's

And the number one rejected tavern...

1. Osama's Hideaway

-Jason Rohrblogger
(04/03/07)

And the alternate...

Culpa Cabana

TOP TEN REJECTED PROM THEMES

Top Ten Rejected Prom Themes

10. Voyage to the Bottom of My Pants

9. Almost Pregnant

8. The Mourning After

7. Fleeting Youth

6. Thirty Seconds to Blast Off

5. Awkward Fumbling

4. Parental Consent

3. A Strong Heart for the Lord

2. Prenatal Care

And the number one rejected prom theme...

1. Xtreme Sobriety

-Jason Rohrblogger
(04/16/07)

TOP TEN SIGNS CALIFORNIA IS BANKRUPT

Top Ten Signs California is Bankrupt

10. Retirees now given a handshake and a can of soup

9. Elementary schools converted directly to prisons

8. San Diego sold to Tijuana for six tacos, a piñata filled with salsa, and a ceramic Bart Simpson lawn ornament

7. Every car stopped on the 405 freeway issued a parking ticket

6. All of First Lady Maria Shriver's dresses look suspiciously like Governor's Mansion curtains

5. California State income tax extended to Arizona, Nevada, and Oregon

4. Mayor of Los Angeles down to emergency backup mistress

3. Golden Gate stolen from bridge

2. State Comptroller parlays entire fiscal 2010 on Jack's Back to place in the third

And the number one sign California is bankrupt...

1. Census takers legally allowed to check your couch cushions for change

-Jason Rohrblogger
(4/9/10)

And the alternates...

Five-dollar cover and two-drink minimum on all Disneyland rides
State now playing own lottery
LAPD running out of gas before they can catch and beat suspects
Silicon Valley in foreclosure
Mt. Shasta available for weddings, bar mitzvahs, quinceañeras, and funerals
Spruce Goose sold for kindling
Schwarzenegger's new catchphrase, "Remember when I said I'd bankrupt you last? I lied."

TOP TEN REJECTED PANDA EXPRESS MENU ITEMS

Top Ten Rejected Panda Express Menu Items

10. Baby Greens and Baby Panda

9. Sweet and Sour Bologna

8. Octopusicle

7. Fire-roasted Charcoal

6. Honey Walnut Toenails

5. Boom Boom Kung Pao

4. Pol Potsticker

3. Tangy Baboon

2. Deflowered Egg Soup

And the number one rejected Panda Express menu item...

1. Fortune Nookie

-Jason Rohrblogger
(4/6/10)

And the alternates...

Crispy Mongolian
Chicken Chicka Wow Wow
Segregated Vegetables
Cashew Hashish
Chow-chow Mein
Fried Lice
Real Housewives of Orange Chicken
General Tso's Heroin
Panderin' Mandarin Shrimp
Pork Bastard
Chickity China the Chinese Chicken, Have a Drumstick and Your Brain Stops Tickin'

TOP TEN REASONS JESUS RETURNED AFTER THREE DAYS

Top Ten Reasons Jesus Returned After Three Days

10. Couldn't wait to see the look on Thomas' face

9. Lost His halo at the craps table in Hell

8. Forgot to turn off His iron

7. Wanted to see Peter's cotton tail

6. Spring break!

5. Had to back-up Luke and Artoo on the final run to the exhaust port just below the main port

4. Voiceover stated, "He's back. And this time, it's personal!"

3. Missed dessert at the Last Supper

2. Was finally ready to settle down and go to work for His Father

And the number one reason Jesus returned after three days...

1. Wanted to prove His death was a cruci-fiction (sorry)

-Jason Rohrblogger
(4/3/10)

TOP TEN PLACES I'VE HIDDEN MY EASTER EGGS

Top Ten Places I've Hidden My Easter Eggs

10. In the eviscerated belly of a frozen Tauntaun

9. Offshore egg shelter

8. Omelet

7. In set of Russian nesting eggs

6. Fallopian tubes

5. In video game

4. Under several chickens

3. Deep in the caves of Tora Bora

2. Up Christopher Walken's ass

And the number one place I've hidden my Easter eggs...

1. In one basket

-Jason Rohrblogger
(3/31/10)

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU ARE NOT GOING TO WIN A NOBEL PRIZE

Top Ten Signs You are not Going to Win a Nobel Prize

10. Your complete body of research documents how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop

9. Post-doctoral thesis: "The Effects of Grain Alcohol on Man's Ability to Identify Post-structuralist Internet Porn Signifiers Encoded in ASCII Text."

8. You openly declare that we can achieve peace in Belgium in our lifetime

7. No "killer abs" category

6. Whole foreign diplomacy experience is the ability to see Russia from your state

5. Insist on referring to physicist Robert Oppenheimer as Bobby "Boom Boom" McNukenheimer Smith

4. The Nobel Committee is using a tinfoil microphone implanted in your skull to steal all of your best ideas before you can get them published

3. Your hot tub-based time travel model, while theoretically possible, still has not resulted in your going back to 1986 to do burnouts in the Dairy Queen parking lot in a bitchen Camaro

2. You blame global warming on Megan Fox

And the number one sign you are not going to win a Nobel Prize...

1. Your entire contribution to world literature: one lame top ten list

-Jason Rohrblogger
(3/28/10)

FACEBOOK SURVEY

I got tagged over at Facebook for one of these surveys...

1. What time did you get up this morning?
The butt crack of noon

2. How do you like your steak?
Deep pink with a warm red center (and I like my steak medium rare)

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
Citizen Kane II: Chucky's Revenge

4. What is your favorite TV show?
Last Sex in the City Standing

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?
Fallujah

6. What did you have for breakfast?
Slim Fast and Rogaine

7. What is your favorite cuisine?
Lean

8. What foods do you dislike?
Anything made by elves

9. Favorite Place to Eat?
In front of the TV

10. Favorite dressing?
Gauze

11.What kind of vehicle do you drive
1909 Stutz-Bearcat Turboprop

12. What are your favorite clothes?
Pants

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance?
Kabul

14. Cup half empty or half full?
It was half full of scotch, half full of soda, but now it's empty. Can I get a refill?

15. Where would you want to retire?
To the bedroom

16. Favorite time of day?
Happy Hour

17. Where were you born?
Where the moon is in the second house and Jupiter aligns with Mars

18. What is your favorite sport to watch?
Olympic Pole Dancing

19. Who do you think will not tag you back?
Nancy Pelosi

20. Person you expect to tag you back first?
Elin Woods

21. Who are you most curious about their responses to this?
Sylvia Plath

22. Bird watcher?
Depends on who is giving me the bird

23. Are you a morning person or a night person?
I'm always a person, silly!

24. Do you have any pets?
One blonde, one brunette, one who keeps changing

25. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share?
I can change my own oil

26. What did you want to be when you were little?
Big

27. What is your best childhood memory?
Finally breaking through the line at Khe Sanh

28. Are you a cat or dog person?
Go fish

29. Are you married?
Only in Laos

30. Always wear your seat belt?
Even in the shower

31. Been in a car accident?
Never on purpose

32. Any pet peeves?
Facebook surveys

33. Favorite pizza topping?
Cardboard box

34. Favorite Flower?
Anything by Georgia O'Queef

35. Favorite ice cream?
Vanilla Ice

36. Favorite fast food restaurant?
A little of the old In-n-Out

37. How many times did you fail your driver's test?
Who says I took a driver's test?

38. From whom did you get your last email?
Nostradamus. It wasn't pretty

39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?
TJ Maxx

40. Do anything spontaneous lately?
In a crowded elevator yelled, "Who farted?"

41. Like your job?
No, you can't have it!

42. Broccoli?
Separate the stems, eat the leaves

43. What was your favorite vacation?
National Lampoon's Summer

44. Last person you went out to dinner with?
Joe Black

45. What are you listening to right now?
The sound of one hand clapping

46. What is your favorite color?
Clear

47. How many tattoos do you have?
0.5

48. How many are you tagging for this quiz?
3.14

49. What time is it?
Miller Time

50. Coffee drinker?
No. I can quit any time I want.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(3/24/10)

TOP TEN PROJECTS IN DEVELOPMENT AT FORD

Top Ten Projects in Development at Ford

10. An alternative fuel that provides 150 miles per gallon in a Focus, eight miles per gallon in a Cavalier, and causes a Corolla to explode

9. Leather-n-buckle seat belts for masochists

8. A navigation system that can plot a course to the nearest shoe sale

7. Convertible bottom

6. Built-in keg dispenser

5. Remote control upholstery

4. Web-enabled windshield that supports the Firefox browser

3. Four-wheel drive motorcycle

2. Dash-mounted 95-inch plasma screen HDTV

And the number one project in development at Ford…

1. Airbags that gently fill with freshly-popped popcorn (and brake fluid that tastes like butter. "I can't believe it's not brake fluid!")

-Jason Rohrblogger
(01/12/07)

And the alternates...

Amway distributor
An air filter that also removes any bad feelings
Dashboard Buddha
A Cadalladic converter that transforms GM vehicles into Lincolns

LINK IN MY SPICY PANTS

A big thank you to Spicy Pants over at Celebrity Smack for linking to my Things I Don't Get About Facebook list and blowing up my stats like an IED! Celebrity Smack is a daily visit for me as Spicy expounds on all things gossip. Check her out!

Thanks for the link love, Spicy Pants!

-Jason Rohrblogger

TOP TEN THINGS I DON'T GET ABOUT FACEBOOK

Top Ten Things I Don't Get About Facebook

10. What's with the layout?

9. What's with all the updates about other people's friends and what they post?

8. Why isn't there a dislike button?

7. Why is it such a huge time suck?

6. What's with all the games?

5. What is an Honesty Box?

4. Why am I getting other people's horoscopes?

3. Why can't I see past chats?

2. Why is nothing dated?

And the number one thing I don't get about Facebook...

1. Why can't I post HTML?

-Jason Rohrblogger
(3/19/10)

TOP TEN REASONS TO FEAR THE REAPER

Top Ten Reasons to Fear The Reaper

10. Not really trained to use scythe

9. Halitosis

8. Is congressman who likes little boys

7. Also works for IRS

6. Will leave bone-impressions on your furniture

5. Smells like ass

4. Talks on cell phone while eradically driving death chariot

3. Can also make you live longer, too

2. Is bi-polar and off his meds

And the number one reason to fear The Reaper...

1. Has mob ties

-Jason Rohrblogger
(01/15/07)

And the alternates...

Is Republican
Does not slow for children in crosswalk
Does not observe Sabbath
Hunts like Dick Cheney, drives like Ted Kennedy
Is drunk
Is also health inspectre
Thinks Sinbad is funny

COME FOR THE FUNNY, STAY FOR THE CRAZY

An open letter to Rose DeWitt Bukater:

Oh, Kate Winslet. Sorry to hear you and Sam Mendes split. Now that you are single, I will be available to comfort you during our intense rebound fling. It has probably been seven years since you've had some crazy-hot passion in your life. I'm here to quench the drought. I'll take you back to my trailer park in my Ford Bronco (an American classic!). I'll put on some Marvin Gaye, crack a sixer of Pabst, and remind you how good it feels to be an Oscar-winner. In the morning it's off to Denny's for a decadent Grand Slam. I want you to drown my bacon in your syrup. I've seen all of your movies (Hideous Kinky, anyone?). I know you like middle-aged bearded men. So let's not pretend you haven't been itching to leave Mendes for a little mending. I'll wipe that smile off your face and put it where you need it most. See you in the morning.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(3/15/10)

TOP TEN REJECTED SLOGANS FOR WHISKEY

Top Ten Rejected Slogans for Whiskey

10. Goes down easy, comes up smooth

9. Just screw it!

8. The thicker chicker liquor upper

7. God's gift to alcoholics

6. Good to the last drinker dropped

5. Breakfast of champions

4. A dram is a terrible thing to waste

3. Between love and madness lies scotch

2. Obey your thirst

And the number one rejected slogan for whiskey...

1. The nighttime smokey, boozy, drinking, shooty, faded, so-you-can-get-wasted medicine

-Jason Rohrblogger
(3/13/10)

And the alternates...

Melts in your mind, not in your liver
I'm lovin' it
-
You got alcohol in my peat moss!
You got peat moss in my alcohol!
Two great tastes that taste great together.
-
Like a good neighbor, whiskey is there
M'm! M'm! Good!
Don't leave home without it
When it absolutely, positively has to sleep there overnight
Only you can prevent sobriety
Reach out and punch someone
Tastes great, less willing
America's most trusted liquor
The ultimate drunk driving machine
Maybe she's born with it, maybe it's whiskey
What can brown do for you?

JASON'S TOP TEN FAVE LINES FROM "FAT JACK'S ERRATIC RANTS"

Jack over at Fat Jack's Erratic Rants writes, "Jason. When are you going to feature your number one Internet fan and promoter in one of those handy-dandy top ten lists?"

Uh, be careful what you wish for, Jack.

Jason's Top Ten Fave Lines from Fat Jack's Erratic Rants

10. "THE HANGOVER, in my opinion, is a true date movie, but then again I am a bit strange."

9. "Not to neglect our artsy fartsy side, we also watched INSIDE DEEP THROAT...."

8. "I'd rather not see cuts to my salary at all."

7. "What pedagogy are the teachers using to educate the students?"

6. "[I]t's like sitting through a romantic comedy where everyone is dressed in Mardi Gras costumes. The enjoyment of which just proves that people don't have very good taste."

5. "Is it wrong to find that most of the events I enjoy involve the possibility of bodily harm?"

4. "It was juicy with gore-a-plenty...."

3. "We need more death in the TV show, Heroes."

2. "In order to properly govern ourselves, we need deep questions and further exploration."

And Jason's number one fave line from Fat Jack's Erratic Rants...

1. "How cool would that be to run around in the dead of night blowing poisoned darts in the necks of the nefarious, lodging ninjas stars in their craniums, cutting enemies in half, and scaling walls with climbing spikes? And the disappearing smoke bombs. Sweet Judas Iscariot those puffs of smoke are some kind of bad ass."

-Jason Rohrblogger
(3/9/10)

And the alternates...

"What is the deal with those little brooms?"

"I thought about Imo's all meat pizza all the way home and even tried to convince the wife that it would make life better."

"I do have to admit that if the pizza were in the house I would tear into it like a down-low Baptist minister on a cracked-out gay hooker."

"I'd ask you to guess how far away my chest of drawers is, but it wouldn't make me look good."

"I have nothing pithy, clever or even offensive to say. I'm just blathering on for no good reason. Are you still reading?"

"[D]on't be expecting any romantic love songs from this writer."

"[T]hey have lost their ever-loving mind if they expect this fat feller to burn 400-500 calories a day."

"I'll meet the sweet baby Jesus sooner rather than later if I try to meet that goal."

"I'm sure the fat doctor would be pleased."

"Don't get me started on the fact that a romantic comedy won best screen play."

TOP TEN AWARDS SHOW THANK-YOU SPEECHES I'D LIKE TO SEE

Top Ten Awards Show Thank-you Speeches I'd Like to See

10. "Thank you New Beginnings Tucson for getting me cleaned up enough to be here tonight. You truly win 'Best Detox!'"

9. "Thanks to all the fan boys who sent my nude scene viral. That really is where my best talents lie."

8. "...to my ex-wife's attorney: this statue us worth $87.50 max, I've already checked."

7. "I'd like to thank my dealer. There is no way my post-natal ass would have been camera-ready otherwise..."

6. "And a big thank-you to the director for believing I could give the best handjob on the casting couch."

5. "I especially appreciate by fellow nominees for not being talented enough to compete with my performance this year."

4. "Finally: justification for the three years of jazz and five years of tap my mother made me take."

3. "This recognition is really for the special effects, lighting crew, and director who turned me from an unwatchable hack into a believable, sympathetic character for ninety minutes."

2. "...this is totally sweet! Kegger at Joey's mom's house after the show. Wes is bringing Jäger!"

And the number one awards show thank-you speech I'd like to see...

1. "Even though I am feuding with every last toxic person on the cast and crew, and will go out of my way never to speak with any one of you again...this award is for you!"

-Jason Rohrblogger
(3/6/10)

TOP TEN FOOD RELATED BAND NAMES

Top Ten Food Related Band Names

10. Cream

9. Bread

8. Cake

7. The Cranberries

6. Meatloaf

5. Bananarama

4. Humble Pie

3. Smashing Pumpkins

2. KoRn

And the number one food related band name...

1. Sexual Chocolate

-Jason Rohrblogger
(3/3/10)

And the alternates...

Vanilla Ice
Buckcherry
Meat Puppets
Pearl Jam
Hot Chocolate
Peaches and Herb
Chickenfoot
Eve's Plum
Veruca Salt
Fiona Apple
Blind Melon
Strawberry Alarm Clock
Moby Grabe
Blue Oyster Cult
Sugar Hill Gang

TOP TEN COUNTRY SONGS FOR CYBERSPACE

Top Ten Country Songs for Cyberspace

10. It's Over Cuz I Caught Him Swapping GIFS with My Best Friend

9. You Done Ripped Out My NT-1 and Stomped that Sucker Flat

8. She's the Shemale of My Email and the Breaker of My Heart

7. You FTP-ed Up Our Love so I Crawled into a Bottle

6. Let's Get Drunk and Raise a Little HTML

5. I've Got Hot Java for You but No Hits on My Heart

4. I've Deleted Your Bookmark from the Hotlist of My Heart

3. I Designed Your Homepage, She Changed My Life

2. I Tried Your Site Tonight, but You Weren't There

And the number one country song for cyberspace

1. When I Met You in that Chat Room, You Swore You Was a Girl

-Jason Rohrblogger
(2/28/10)

And the alternate...

I Google Your Yahoo and You Excite MySpace

TOP TEN ANNOYING COUPLE TYPES

Today's list was stolen wholesale from Lemon Drop.

Top Ten Annoying Couple Types

10. The Newly Engaged - No one has ever been as happy as they are! And don't worry, their wedding is SO not going to be like all those other weddings. It's going to be special...and the only one that either of them will ever have, for sure

9. The Karaoke Couple - Same bar, same songs, same night, every week. These two should take their act on the road...to hell

8. The Fight Club - There is nothing that won't start an argument between them. They would break up or get divorced if only they knew how to live without the pleasure of hating each other every day

7. The Love Birds - They think they invented love and they want to share it with anyone within eye-shot. Gross. Get a room. No one needs to see that. They become number ten

6. The Newly Married Who Think They've Really Got Marriage Figured Out; and oh boy, have they got relationship advice for you - thoughtful, charming, deeply self-satisfied advice that absolutely will not make you want to projectile vomit into their sincere faces

5. The Tourist Couple - Do not lock eyes with them. They will ask you where they are, where they're going, how to get there and why it has to be so complicated. Then they will ask you to take their picture

4. The Couple Making Out at the Bar - You could tell them to get a room but it would not do you any good. Whatever room they are currently in is the room

3. The Parents of Each Other - She calls him "Daddy" and he calls her "Momma" and nobody wants to be caught in that parent trap

2. The Twins - Studies suggest that the longer couples are together, the more they begin to look alike. But when you start to look less like a woman and more like your husband's teenage son, it's time for an affair

And the number one annoying couple type...

1. The Strobe Lights - They love each other, they love each other not. They love each other, they love each other not. This relationship does not need counseling, it needs a clapper

-Jason Rohrblogger
(2/25/10)

And the alternates...

The Power Couple - Power jobs, power looks, power money. These couples would be more annoying were it not for the spectacularly humiliating power break-ups that inevitably follow

The Bar Flys Who Like to Think They Are a Power Couple - Is that a successful relationship you smell? No, it's Axe Body Spray and Newports

The Couple Who Does Not Know They Are About to Get Divorced Because He's Gay and She's Addicted to Painkillers - They will find out soon enough, but until then the tension between them will strip the paint off the walls wherever they go. Best to put on a gas mask if you see them coming

TOP TEN SURPRISES IN ANDREW YOUNG'S BOOK ABOUT JOHN EDWARDS

Top Ten Surprises in Andrew Young's book about John Edwards

10. John once hiked the Appalachian Trail with Mark Sanford

9. Elizabeth's hard drinking and honkey-tonk chemo-fueled 2am madness drove John into the arms of another

8. Rielle Hunter has a secret family with Eliot Spitzer

7. For once the National Enquirer did not make up a story out of whole cloth

6. According to the Weekly World News, Edwards is the father of Bat Boy

5. Elizabeth has inoperable stage-4 cancer, John has inoperable stage-4 narcissism

4. Turns out John Edwards is kind of a douchebag. Hard to believe for a trial lawyer

3. Fabio still can't believe it's not butter

2. Rielle Hunter's birth name is Barracuda Stealyourman

And the number one surprise in Andrew Young's book about John Edwards...

1. The personal video tape depicts John Edwards admitting he is for lower taxes, smaller government, and supply-side economics

-Jason Rohrblogger
(2/22/10)

U.S. OLYMPIC JACK TEAM

Gold medal shout out to Jack over at Fat Jack's Erratic Rants for covering my Top Ten Winter Sports I'd Like to See list and posting a link!

This year I'm going to come-from-behind to thank you. Wait, that doesn't sound right.

You can carry my torch anytime, Jack. Wait, that doesn't sound right, either.

Thanks for the blog love,

-Rohrblogger

TOP TEN WINTER SPORTS I'D LIKE TO SEE

Top Ten Winter Sports I'd Like to See

10. Ice Pole Dancing

9. Cold Beer Pong

8. Shaming

7. Synchronized Skiing

6. Curling Cheese Fries

5. Snow Chess

4. Tundra Tennis

3. Avalanche Surfing

2. Glacier Polo

And the number one winter sport I'd like to see...

1. Female Lingerie Hockey

-Jason Rohrblogger
(2/19/10)

TOP TEN SURPRISES IN THE SARAH PALIN MAGAZINE

Top Ten Surprises in the Sarah Palin Magazine

10. Her recipe for stuffed salmon calls for 15bbl of crude oil

9. Wishes James Garner would be cast to play her in the made-for-Lifetime movie, "Maverick Mom from Mooseville"

8. Almost challenged Tina Fey to a bareknuckled boxing match

7. Centerfold is Levi Johnston

6. In a drunken stupor, once accidentally voted for Bill Clinton

5. Editorial claims Michelle Obama is Kenyan

4. Chastises Ben Stiller for going "full retard"

3. Saved her marriage to Todd by talking dirty in Yup'ik

2. Text is nothing but a bunch of top ten lists and recycled Tiger Woods jokes

And the number one surprise in the Sarah Palin Magazine...

1. No longer lives in "real America"

-Jason Rohrblogger
(2/13/10)

TOP TEN VALENTINE'S GIFTS TIGER WOODS IS GETTING ELIN NORDEGREN

Top Ten Valentine's Gifts Tiger Woods is Getting Elin Nordegren

10. One billion Swedish Krona

9. Two hours in the conjugal visit trailer at rehab

8. A puppy with the words "I love you" shaved into its fur

7. An "I'm sorry, Elin" back tattoo from shoulder blade to shoulder blade

6. Two Master's trophies and a green jacket

5. Ticket to ride

4. A dozen roses, "The Notebook" on DVD, and box of Whitman Samplers

3. A Tiger Woods' Mistress Calendar with the names crossed out and "Elin" written in

2. Herpes

And the number one Valentine's gift Tiger Woods is getting Elin Nordegren...

1. A Get Out Of Marriage Free card

-Jason Rohrblogger
(2/13/10)