Tuesday, May 18, 2010


Top Ten British Petroleum Excuses

10. Oil tankers burn fuel and pollute. Trying to deliver crude oil to the shore by all-natural wave action instead

9. Saved enough money on safety equipment to buy three U.S. senators

8. Delicate Gulf Coast ecosystem had it coming

7. Thought Americans would be too distracted by Big Macs and Coca-Cola to notice

6. Daniel Day Lewis drank their milkshake

5. I mean, it's bad, but it's no Katrina. Am I right?

4. Heard Sarah Palin saying "Spill, baby, spill..."

3. Attempting to break record for world's largest tarball party

2. Believed shrimp appetizers at Chili's needed more oil in them

And the number one British Petroleum excuse...

1. It's a Presidents Day safety valve BLOWOUT! This weekend ALL safety valves MUST go! Backup valves, bivalves, even heart valves! Everything is being blown out the door! Gallons of oil, deepwater rigs, and rusty drill bits will be released to the public at ROCK BOTTOM prices! Coral reefs, shoreline habitats, and oyster beds will be UTTERLY DESTROYED by our insane basement blowout MADNESS! Look for the fire on the water and smoke in the sky! This blowout is so popular, BP has extended it for the rest of the SUMMER! This Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, our safety valves have failed and we pass the crude on to you! We must be crazy to be giving unprocessed hydrocarbons away at these prices! This. Summer. Only! C'mon down to Crazy BP's safety valve-tacular. It's distasterrific!

-Jason Rohrblogger


Darby Clark said...

LMAO, but underneath I want to CMTD.

Larry Litle said...

Always brings a smile to my face. Thanks for a fun top 10 as usual.