Monday, November 30, 2009

JASON MAKES MCSWEENEY'S AGAIN!

Jason Gets Republished in McSweeney's!

I submitted my Top Ten Topics of Conversation at My Cousin's House on Any Given Holiday list to McSweeney's and they originally published it back in March of 2007.

They just published it again as part of their Cornucopia of Thanksgiving Lists!

All hail McSweeney's and their awesome double publishing of my dysfunctional humor!

-Rohrblogger
(11/30/09)

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

TOP TEN THINGS FOR WHICH I AM THANKFUL

Top Ten Things for Which I am Thankful

10. Exculpatory evidence

9. Quicklime

8. Teh internets

7. Bulletproof underwear

6. The firms of Beam, Daniels, and Cuervo

5. Turkey (the animal, the lunch meat, and the country)

4. Freedom

3. The amazingly good-looking readers of my blog

2. Folger's Crystals

And the number one thing for which I am thankful...

1. Boobs

-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/24/09)

*One of the spell check suggestions for Cuervo is "fervor." Say "fervor for Cuervo" three times fast...

Saturday, November 21, 2009

FOUND PORN




The Twirl This post over at Awful Library Books is full-on X-rated without even trying to be. I'm just saying author Constance Atwater knows what she's doing.

"A backward wrist motion rolls the shaft between the thumb and the first finger. Tip points to the right, ball to the left.... The shaft is released from the thumb and first finger."

I'm talking about baton twirling. I don't know what you were thinking...

-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/21/09)

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

TOP TEN CONTRACT RIDERS FOR JRTT

Top Ten Contract Riders for Jason Rohrblogger's Top Ten

10. A copy of the Mona Lisa must be visible at all times from the window of my dressing room or Jason Rohrblogger will not perform

9. All concert personnel must be vaccinated for rabies, distemper, and heartworm

8. Mr. Rohrblogger is to be picked up at the airport in a 1915 Stutz Bearcat and driven to the nearest Taco Bell

7. Dressing room to be stocked with condoms (extra large), popcorn butter, Zovirax, and Depens

6. One centaur, male

5. A library stocked with Judy Blume novels

4. A personal trainer be available on demand for Mr. Rohrblogger's shellfish

3. Identical twin Swedish blackjack dealers fluent in Mandarin and Portuguese

2. No one is to reference Folger's Crystals or acknowledge its existence in the presence of Mr. Rohrblogger

And the number one contract rider for Jason Rohrblogger's Top Ten...

1. Don't get Mr. Rohrblogger happy. You wouldn't like him when he's happy

-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/18/09)

And the alternates...

Massage-trained goats
Two kegs light beer with red cups
One monkey-themed banana bong
One carton Kool Extra-Heavy
DVD box set of The Brady Bunch
Loaded baked potato-flavored Pop Tarts

Sunday, November 15, 2009

ROCKING MY WORLD(S)

This video came out last week and I cannot get enough of it. Every time I watch it, there is another layered inside joke I missed before. Amazing work, BentTV!

ALL NEW! Star Wars Gangsta Rap: Chronicles


-Rohrblogger

Friday, November 13, 2009

CNN AND THE TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE, NO GOOD, VERY BAD ANCHOR

Lou Dobbs quit CNN! I'm all for free speech. And when your speech is against an entire class of people (i.e. immigrants) then that free speech belongs in only two places: talk radio, and/or the internet with the rest of the crazies.

CNN is for news and editorial opinion that involves policies not people. Love the immigrant, hate the poverty. Love the terrorist, hate the terror. Love the anchor, hate the show.

That's why I'm glad to see it go...

-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/12/09)

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

TOP TEN NEW GOLF TERMS

Today's post was stolen from here and here and here.

Top Ten New Golf Terms

10. A "Rock Hudson" - a putt that looked straight, but wasn't

9. A "Saddam Hussein" - from one bunker into another

8. A "Yasser Arafat" - butt ugly and in the sand

7. A "John Kennedy Jr." - didn't quite make it over the water

6. A "Rodney King" - over-clubbed

5. An "O.J." - got away with one

4. A "Princess Grace" - should have used a driver

3. A "Princess Di" - should not have used the driver

2. A "Ted Kennedy" - goes in the water and jumps out

And the number one new golf term...

1. A "Jason Rohrblogger" - too drunk to play the back nine

-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/10/09)

And the alternates...

A "Condom" - safe, but didn't feel very good
A "Brazilian" - shaved the hole
A "Rush Limbaugh" - a bit too far to the right
A "Nancy Pelosi" - way to the left and out of bounds
A "James Joyce" - a putt that's impossible to read
A "Pee Wee Herman" - too much wrist
A "Sonny Bono" - straight into the trees
A "Paris Hilton" - a very expensive hole
A "RuPaul" - can't find your last two balls

Monday, November 02, 2009

THE MEME ON THE BLOG GOES ROUND AND ROUND

I originally got this meme from Heather over at Yummy Sushi Pajamas.

I posted my original response here.

If you want to play, reply to this meme by yelling Words! in the comments, and I will give you five words that remind me of you. Then post them on your blog and explain what they mean to you.

Atomic Bombshell tagged herself at my original post and I sent her words. Then I tagged myself again at her blog, Tricycle.

My words from Ms. Bombshell...

5. Hilarious - Recycled dick jokes, stolen premises, and lousy puns, is there anything better?

4. Creative - I like to think my creativity is up to the high standards of the internet.

3. Intelligent - Who is smarter: the woman who writes the meme, or the man who tags himself to get memed?

2. Thoughtful - Oh, I'm full of thoughts. Some of them are even appropriate.

And my number one word...

1. Loving - Like Dionne Warwick says, self-love is the greatest love of all...

-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/2/09)