Sunday, December 25, 2011

TOP TEN SIGNS SANTA HAS BEEN USING FACEBOOK AND TWITTER

10. He knows if you've been sleeping, he knows if you're awake all night playing Angry Birds

9. Sent his request to @Rudolph #WontYouGuideMySleigh Tonight?

8. Unfriended the Island of Misfit Toys

7. Those twitpics of your Halloween outfit almost put you on the Naughty List

6. The hash tag LumpOfCoal is trending in your stocking

5. Hasn't checked his e-mail since last Christmas

4. Missed delivering gifts to all of New Jersey because Blitzen stopped to harvest his crops in Farmville

3. All letters to Santa must be 140 characters or less

2. Just checked-in to your chimney on Yelp

And the number one sign Santa has been using Facebook and Twitter...

1. Requests streaming milk and cookies directly to his iSled

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/25/11)

Tuesday, April 05, 2011

101 THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE

101 Things I Want to Do Before I Die

1. Run for Mayor of Funkytown

2. Go to the Wailing Wall and yell, "Hey, Kool-Aid!"

3. Finally pay off my tab at Hooters

4. Double down on a pair of twos in Vegas, baby, Vegas

5. Make a movie starring midgets, crossdressers, and a pink chihuahua

6. Go paraspelunking

7. Date a zoologist

8. Memorize the Qur'an backwards

9. Give a lecture series on banditry

10. Sing the entire libretto to Puccini's "Gianni Schicchi" at karaoke

11. Start a bachata band but insist on playing it conjunto-style

12. Join the La Leche League

13. Photograph a leprechaun breaking a wild unicorn in the Tropic of Cancer

14. Play it cool for awhile

15. Take up smoking

16. Learn how to pilot a paper airplane

17. Buy one of Aerosmith's guitar pics on eBay

18. Three-day backcountry bivouac in Beverly Hills

19. Fly, captain, fly on a mystery ship

20. Yell "THEATER!" in a crowded fire

21. Finish translating "The Epic of Gilgamesh" into Valley Girl

22. Quell an uprising

23. Finally lose at Jeopardy

24. Slap a parking enforcement officer

25. Graduate High school

26. Mosey

27. Read the entire ingredient list on a packet of ketchup

28. Road trip

29. Backup Jennifer Aniston's hard drive

30. Fly in a jet

31. Cry over spilled milk

32. Finish writing my manifesto

33. Fish for Great White Plankton

34. Die and come back

35. Pirate a video about pirates

36. Sail in the Baltic Sea

37. Visit the DMV in the Congo

38. Complete the Marlboro Marathon

39. Lead a full-scale land invasion of Kate Winslet

40. Spend more time at the office

41. Be a stunt man for a major film

42. Read the entire collected works of Margaret Mitchell

43. Hang out with a monkey

44. Walk the plank

45. Sell a chicken at an open-air market

46. Sketch Chernobyl at sunset

47. Do fifty crunches in less than a year

48. Fly too close to the sun

49. Eat at Ed's

50. Play H.O.R.S.E with Kobe Bryant

51. Spit fire

52. Be a spokesman for phlebotomy

53. Put a dollar in the Statue of Liberty's g-string

54. Tour with Tito Jackson

55. Spill the beans

56. Set a world record

57. Kill a real live zombie

58. Cry havoc

59. Take a mime class in Mandarin

60. Run amok

61. Introduce a hippie chick to Ayn Rand

62. Locate the Lost City of Detroit

63. Strike anywhere

64. Build a raft using only coconut hulls and a stick of gum

65. Outsource Michael Moore to China

66. Fill a Jacuzzi with whipped cream and Tabasco sauce

67. Mess with those British dudes who don't move

68. Party with Gabe Kaplan

69. Fence a stolen ketchup packet

70. Reconcile proto-Marxist feminist ideology with a milkshake that brings all the boys to the yard

71. Tell Ricky Martin to shut up

72. Eat sushi with Aquaman

73. Sew a split personality back together

74. Represent

75. Filter water using only my own sense of right and wrong

76. Compete in a krumping competition

77. Smoke a boneless rubber chicken

78. Build an Easter basket out of extruded aluminum

79. Have a cool mural painted on my car

80. Act in a school play within a school play about a school play

81. Compete in a hot dog eating competition

82. Neutralize that one Teletubby that looks at me funny

83. Give out free hugs

84. Describe a color that no one has ever seen before

85. Finally look before I leap

86. Point out the obsequious

87. Learn a bunch of stuff

88. Come to love the smell of Napalm in the morning

89. Lens my Donny Osmond biopic

90. Get into a rap battle

91. Swim the Ganges River at high pyre

92. Pledge allegiance to McDonald's, Disneyland, and Budweiser

93. Frankly give a damn

94. Wish upon a starfish

95. Finish third for once

96. Set the voices in my head to music

97. Play jai alai

98. Jump through a glass window

99. Learn to make tacos proven├žale

100. Get a Burma shave

And the 101st thing I want to do before I die is...

101. Date ├╝bermodel Gabourey Sidibe

-Jason Rohrblogger
(4/5/11)

Thursday, February 10, 2011

TOP TEN PET FOOD STORE NAMES

Note: a friend is opening up a pet food store in Chandler, AZ and has solicited help with store names. Herewith are my...

Top Ten Pet Food Store Names

10. Hot Dogs and Cool Cats

9. Haute Dogs and Fat Cats

8. Indiana Bones the Temple of Gruel

7. Millionhairs

6. Pam-Purred Pets

5. Phi-Dough

4. Snoop Doggy Grog

3. Iams What Iams

2. Growl Bowl

And the number one pet food store name...

1. The Manic Organic

-Jason Rohrblogger
(2/10/11)

And the alternates...

Animal Crackers
The Masticating Mongrel
Collar and Leash
Bonedaddy
I Can Haz Catfoodz?
Beast Buffet
The Critter Counter
The Tabby Table
Smorgasdog
The Need for Feed
Fois Claw
Free Range Alpo
Bow Wow Barn
For the Birds
Party Animal
The Gilded Retch
Doggie Style
Trash Can Sam's
Atomic Dog
Bow Wow Wow Yipee Yo Yipee Yay
Eau de Toilette
Kitty Vittles
Pet Project
Got Milk?
Pussy and Pooch Pethouse Pets
Blue Collar Bites
The Mangy Morsel
Purina Chow Chow Chow
Cat Comestibles
Kitten Cuisine
Labrador Larder
Kennel Ration
Puppy Pablum
Snake Snacks
Fido Feast
Poodle Provisions
Benji Bread
Collie Cooking
Fox Fodder
Feline Fare

Thursday, January 20, 2011

TOP TEN BANNED PHRASES 2011

Top Ten Banned Phrases 2011

10. LOL

9. Mortgage meltdown

8. Fail

7. BFF

6. Refudiate

5. Friend as a verb

4. Man up

3. _____ is like Hitler.

2. Epic

And the number one banned phrase 2011

1. Blood libel

-Jason Rohrblogger
(1/20/11)