Tuesday, September 27, 2005


Top Ten Rejected Superhero Weaknesses

10. Samsonite

9. Eggs make you gassy

8. Craving for chocolate

7. Blinded by science

6. Addiction to crack form of Kryptonite

5. Inability to pass a Starbucks without getting a cookie

4. Wets self when she hears the Maldivian National Anthem

3. Chronic Fatigue Syndrome

2. Causes cell phone reception drop-out

And the number one rejected superhero weakness...

1. Dessert

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternates...

Cross-dresses on weekends
Allergic to cats
Can't engage enemy without checking own horoscope first

Saturday, September 24, 2005


Top Ten Products in Development at Disneyland

10. A priceless irreplaceable collectible heirloom that slowly dissolves and has to be replaced.

9. Cotton candy flavored carmel apple.

8. A Tinkerbell that appeals to men ages 18 - 35.

7. A $15 Coke-on-a-stick.

6. Realistic fake earthquakes, riots, and rolling blackouts for the new California Adventure Land.

5. A mouse that talks in a deep, sensual, Barry White-style bedroom voice.

4. An animated feature film based on their hit live-action Broadway musical "The Lion King."

3. A more easily tossed cookie.

2. A lunar powered Electrical Parade.

And the number one product in development at Disneyland...

1. A mermaid that, when kissed, turns into a high powered, cost cutting, efficiency obsessed senior executive.

-Jason Rohrblogger

Wednesday, September 21, 2005


Car-Salesman-To-English Translator


You're pre-approved!
For 25.9% interest rates.

We're having a big sale!
We couldn't give these problem cars away.

You qualify for special financing!
You obviously haven't made a payment on your outstanding Visa balance since before you went to prison for tax evasion.

Have you considered a lease?
You have the purchasing power of an eight-year-old between allowances.

We'd like to finance you here.
You'll still be paying for this when your eight-year-old goes to college.

Do you have a co-signer?
You couldn't finance the steam off of a cup of coffee.

I'd like to introduce you to our service department.
You'll be spending alot of time there.

Are you ready to buy today?
Don't waste my time.

Do you have good credit?
Don't waste my time.

Is this car in your price range?
Don't waste my time.

Do you like this vehicle enough to take it home today?
Please buy this before you notice the scratches and high mark-up.

What do we have to do to earn your business?
Do you like your screwing hard and fast, or soft and slow?

What do you have for a down payment?
How much do you have in the bank...in your pockets, in your wife's purse, in your children's piggy banks, under the couch cushions, and coming in your next paycheck?

What kind of a monthly payment were you considering?
Can you live in the car and give us the rent?

How about a (smaller, slower, cheaper) vehicle?
You can barely afford to ride the bus.

Have you considered a (larger, faster, more expensive) vehicle?
You'll be spending twice as much as you had planned.

Please feel free to look around.
I will hound you until you buy a car.

The (competing model) is an excellent car.
They outsell, outperform, and cost less than our model.

Of course you can have your mechanic look at it.
After you buy it.

It's economical.
It has the power of a loosely wound rubber band.

It performs.
It will deplete the fossil fuel reserves of OPEC before it's paid for.

It's the (fastest, most powerful, largest) in it's class.
No other manufacturer would build a car like this.

This model is all-new for this year.
We changed the shape of the headlights and added two speakers.

Note the classic lines.
It's as aerodynamic as a box of lead.

It's got dual air bags.

It's a great value.
It's overpriced.

I'll even throw in the floor mats.
For another $199.00 on the back end.

It's a sport-utility vehicle.
A stiff breeze may tip it over.

Do you have proof of income?
We called McDonald's and they never heard of you.

It's our most popular model.
It's marked up $5,000.00 over sticker price.

What are you driving now?
What will you be trading in to me for $1,000.00 less than wholesale?

Regarding your trade:

Are these the original miles?
Your odometer has been rolled more times than Heidi Fleiss.

Has it ever been in an accident?
This car looks like it was salvaged from Baghdad.

It's a classic!
Your car was built before the Nixon administration. And has about as much integrity left.

-Jason Rohrblogger

Sunday, September 11, 2005


  • "I didn't know about these meds. Isn't science amazing!" - Anonymous

  • "'feel the force' home pregnancy test. Freakin Genius! Seriously one of the funniest list's I've seen." - Amy Harden

  • "there's nothing wrong with wanting to be held, jason." - Anonymous

  • "I can't tell if you came up with this yourself but it's HILARIOUS!" - Charity

  • "you appear to have some hostility towards oprah..." - Anonymous

  • "i have no idea who the hell you are.... but i don't care... you are super ffffing funny...." - bONG

  • "Oh perfect list! I am falling more and more into internet lust with you." - Grins

  • "Hee hee hee .. You funny. And who knew the beaten to death, 1980s format of Top 10 Lists could still be funny!!." - Anonymous

  • "I enjoyed the information you had on auto insurance as well." - marissa

  • "Jason- this is awesome! Your site is so funny-" - Jenn

  • "Effin' hilarious... and sick" - Ken

  • "LOVE your blog! HATE that it took me so long to discover it!" - SJ

  • "how did you get such a large economist fan base? A little freak-y, my friend..." - Michelle Daws

  • "I'm ashamed to admit it, but bathroom humor makes me laugh every time..." - Aurorealis

  • "Yeah, like getting married proves you're not gay!" - Neil

Thursday, September 08, 2005


Top Ten Reasons Your Hotel Room Is Not Ready

10. Don't ask me. The squirrels in my pants won't stop screaming! AHHHHHH! AHHHHhhhhhh...

9. You probably made a reservation but we lost it during one of our frequent cocaine fueled orgies.

8. Apparently the carpet is infested with Turkish sailors.

7. Elizabeth Taylor won't leave.

6. The dyslexic maid dusted the sheets and laundered the desk.

5. We can't seem to remove the smell of burnt sausage.

4. Your room will be ready as soon as we've worked the bugs out of our Microsoft server.

3. We're out of rooms, but we've a lovely manger out back.

2. We've replace the fine rooms we normally serve with Folger's crystals.

And the number one reason your hotel room is not ready...

1. I'm not really in a place where I can feel good about giving you a room right now. Hold me.

-Jason Rohrblogger

Saturday, September 03, 2005


Top Ten Surprises in the New Iraqi Constitution

10. Ten point Bill of Wrongs

9. Amendments must be ratified by a two-thirds vote and at least one suicide bomb

8. Sunni's may not get their chocolate in Shi'ites peanut butter

7. Any future civil conflicts will be decided with a best two-out-of-three midget-tossing contest

7. Iraqi Supreme Court to feature Diana Ross, Mary Wilson, and Florence Ballard. Parliament to feature Bootsy Collins.

5. Bicamel legislature

4. Official bird of Baghdad: Sikorsky Blackhawk

3. Unsuccessful candidate in any general election loses a hand

2. Orders already being taken now for official Iraqi Civil War Chess Set

And the number one surprise in the new Iraqi constitution...

1. Executive branch to be headed up by Neil Bush

-Jason Rohrblogger