Tuesday, December 30, 2008

JASON'S TOP TEN PREDICTIONS FOR 2009

Jason's Top Ten Predictions for 2009

10. Adorable scamp Paris Hilton becomes America's sweetheart with her sunshine playfulness and youthful innocence

9. National Enquirer wins a Peabody Award for Excellence in Tabloid Journalism

8. Michelle Obama poses for The Atlantic Monthly's swimsuit issue

7. Suri Cruise will write a tell-all children's book

6. Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag star in the Broadway revival of Tennessee William's "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof" wherein Heidi uses her time onstage to explore her constant neediness and Spencer grapples with his latent homosexuality

5. Guantánamo Bay closed down and replaced with a Starbucks

4. Eliot Spitzer, John Edwards, Bill Clinton, Larry Craig, and Bristol Palin form the American Scandal Party. Rod Blagojevich still excluded.

3. Guns n' Roses only take six months to release their next stinker, Chinese Anarchy

2. Due to lack of funds, Jason Rohrblogger's Top Ten switches to only eight Folger's Crystals references per list

And Jason's number one prediction for 2009...

1. Incredibly successful Congressional bailout turns economy around on a dime

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/30/08)

And the alternates...

Obama trades Iraq to Iran for three magic beans

Burger King invents a five-pound jalepeño bacon double pepper jack cheeseburger served between the two live defibrillator paddles used to cook it

Finally, a Friday the 13th sequel that answers all the questions raised in the first 21 movies...

American People lay off 10% of cabinet, 20% of Congress, and 12 state governors

Michael Phelps, the most under reported story of 2008, finally gets some media coverage

Snow White's polygamous cabin raided by authorities. All dwarfs placed in foster care.

Late night talk show guest Dr. Lincoln Wolfenstein offends host Jimmy Fallon by primarily concentrating on connecting theoretical physics to experimental observations, because his work on weak interaction has tainted his studies on the presence of electrons in Earth and solar matter and their effect on neutrino propagation. MSW effect or not, for a particle phenomenologist to focus solely on neutrino oscillation in matter...I mean, c'mon bro. You don't show that on television no matter what the hour

Amy Winehouse goes to rehab

Saturday, December 27, 2008

LINKY, BUT NOT DINKY

A big holiday shout out to Fat Jack's Erratic Rants for linking to my Top Ten Osama bin Laden Christmas Traditions list.

Nothing like waking up Christmas morning to a link from a jolly elf.

Thanks for decking my halls...

-Jason Rohrblogger

Friday, December 26, 2008

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'VE HIRED THE WRONG DENTIST

Top Ten Signs You've Hired the Wrong Dentist

10. Diagnoses three rectal cavities, prescribes butt floss

9. For an extra fifty she'll let you take home an "eight-ball of anesthesia"

8. Sets drill on stun

7. He's wearing a mask, gloves, leather corset, and whip

6. Installs a bridge to nowhere

5. Charges you $1.99-a-minute to look at your x-rays

4. Accepts cash, charge, insurance, chickens, moonshine, and small hounds

3. Before adjusting the chair, asks "would you like a happy ending?"

2. Spit cup smells like chewing tobacco

And the number one sign you've hired the wrong dentist...

1. Reaches through your mouth and extracts your wallet

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/26/08)

And the alternates...

Fills cavities with unicorns and rainbows
In lieu of Novocaine, states "count backwards from ten and go to your special place"
Leaves a dollar under your pillow for each tooth removed
She gives a smile when the pain comes, the pain's gonna make everything alright, alright yeah

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

TOP TEN OSAMA BIN LADEN CHRISTMAS TRADITIONS

Top Ten Osama bin Laden Christmas Traditions

10. No oil in Afghanistan, but lumps and lumps of coal

9. Hijacking the angel and flying her into the side of the tree

8. Making it onto Santa's naughty list thirty years running

7. Knitting goat hair cell-cozies for Guantánamo Bay

6. Always waiting until the last minute on Christmas Eve to put Little Omar's surface-to-air missile together

5. Recruiting martyrs on the Island of Misfit Goyim

4. Letting the kids pull the pin on ONE grenade on Christmas Eve

3. Getting wasted at the al Qaeda office party and eating a bacon double cheeseburger with Goldstein from accounting

2. Joy of dispatching C4-laden Grinch to Whoville

And the number one bin Laden Christmas tradition...

1. On the Twelfth Day of Christmas my true love(s) sent to me:
Twelve more months of hiding
Eleven bombers bombing
Ten mullahs mulling
Nine sheikhs a-shaking
Eight spooks a-snooping
Seven-ty virgins waiting
Six planes a-flying
Five I-E-D's
Four waterboards
Three henchmen
Two Karl Roves
And a cartridge in an A-K

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/5/08)

And the alternates...

Holiday-themed perimeter passwords
The way the whole cave smells like scorched turkey
Who put the ram in the Ram-a-dan, who put the God in the No-God-but-God and Muhammed is His Prophet?

Saturday, December 20, 2008

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU ARE TOO BUSY FOR CHRISTMAS

Top Ten Signs You are too Busy for Christmas

10. Spent more time on the road than a traffic cone

9. Decided to buy your Christmas turkey on E-bay

8. Your toys for tots include whiskey, cigarettes, and lottery tickets

7. Left Santa milk, cookies, and three TPS reports to complete

6. Christmas tree decked out in beer cans and toilet paper

5. All gifts wrapped in leftover ham

4. You argue that most evidence points to Jesus really being born in August anyway

3. You bought the eggs but forgot the nog

2. Request your wife TIVO the whole thing so you can watch it when you get home

And the number one sign you are too busy for Christmas...

1. You are just getting around to finding your Easter eggs

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/20/08)

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

TOP TEN CREEPY SANTA PICKUP LINES

The Top Ten Creepy Santa Pickup Lines

10. I'll make you shake like a bowl full of jelly

9. I come more than once a year

8. My wreath is hung

7. Show me how you to make it onto the naughty list

6. I want to slide down your chimney

5. That is a candy cane in my pocket, and I am glad to see you

4. Hi, I'm Kenny Rogers

3. I got your stocking stuffer right here

2. I'm just a fat, bearded, reindeer jockey of love!

And the number one creepy Santa pickup line...

1. I've got a loaded elf in my pants

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/17/08)

And the alternates...

That's not eggnog
Won't you ride my sleigh tonight?
The yuletide is gay, but I'm not

Sunday, December 14, 2008

TOP TEN WAYS THE $750 BILLION GOVERNMENT BAILOUT WILL BE SPENT

Top Ten Ways the $750 Billion Government Bailout will be Spent

10. $109 billion for corporate jet cozies for American Express

9. $135 billion to shore up the Congressional private escort industry

8. $11 billion for Sarah Palin's wardrobe

7. $137 billion to get welfare queens off the rolls and free up more money for AIG

6. $44 billion for Ford to develop an SUV that burns sub-prime mortgages

5. $151 billion for an oversight committee to determine where the $750 billion should be spent

4. $19.99 for subscription to Oversight Magazine

3. $68 billion on Phantom Philly to place in the sixth race

2. $57 billion to buy the administration a clue

And the number one way the $750 billion government bailout will be spent...

1. $190 billion for a stock market that runs on wishes and dreams

Total cost for the $750 billion bailout = $902 billion

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/14/08)

Thursday, December 11, 2008

TOP TEN ATTRACTIONS AT SIX FLAGS BAGHDAD

Top Ten Attractions at Six Flags Baghdad

10. Magic Mujaheddin Mountain

9. Flying Fatwah

8. Tower of Tehran Terror

7. The Monofail

6. Country Bear IED Jamboree

5. The Splatterhorn

4. Honey, I Blew Up the Children

3. ThunderGoats

2. Surface-to-air Martyr

And the number one attraction at Six Flags Baghdad...

1. Pirates of the Abu Ghraibbean

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/11/08)

And the alternates...

Jurassic Haj
Blackwater Down
Sunni in Wonderland
Freefall Ujah
Bungle Cruise

Monday, December 08, 2008

TOP TEN REJECTED SLOT MACHINE THEMES

Top Ten Rejected Slot Machine Themes

10. Enron

9. Interracial Smackdown

8. Awkward Moment

7. Shoeless Baby

6. Degenerate Loser

5. Getting OJ Simpson's Memorabilia Back

4. Trip to the Poorhouse

3. Money Eater

2. Replacing the Fine Jackpot Normally Won with Folger's Crystals. Let's See if Anyone Notices

And the number one rejected slot machine theme...

1. Foreclosure

-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/27/08)

And the alternates...

Hurricane Katrina of Winnings!
George W. Recession
Waterboard of Fortune

Friday, December 05, 2008

TOP TEN RANDOM FACTS ABOUT ROHRBLOGGER

I got tagged and bagged over at Patience is a Virtue.

First, the tagging game's rules:
Link to the person who tagged you.

Post the rules on your blog.
Write 6 random things about yourself.
Tag 6-ish people at the end of your post.
Let each person know he/she has been tagged.
Let the tagger know when your entry is up.

I am going to stick with my format and list the Top Ten Random Facts about Rohrblogger. Normally I would just make up ten funny-sounding lies (I once shot a man in Reno just to watch him die) but this time I will list ACTUAL FACTS that I am NOT making up...

10. I have a black belt in an obscure Hawaiian martial art called Kajukembo

9. I was the 1989 Arizona state fighting champion in my weight class (featherweight - remember this was 19 years, and roughly 70 pounds, ago)

8. I won because I legitimately beat everyone(,) up until the final match. One of the guys I fought was an ex-Green Beret who was just let out of prison. He had stabbed his wife's lover, yet another Green Beret, with a knife.

7. In the final match my opponent disqualified himself by striking me with a direct backfist to the head, a headstrike that was illegal at the time

6. As the winner of the featherweight class, I got to go on and fight the winners of the middleweight and and heavyweight classes

5. The middleweight fighter drew the bye and I had to fight the heavyweight first

4. The heavyweight fighter (a robust fellow member of my same Kajukembo school) proceeded to pound me into submission. The match lasted less than one round with a technical knockout. He proceeded to do the same thing to the middleweight fighter.

3. My family was so impressed that I won my weight class, they took out an ad in the paper to congratulate me. My college classmates picked up the story and announced it to the Student Union to my embarrassment.

2. The only thing I've pounded since graduating college is a computer keyboard. I couldn't win a fight now, and knife-wielding ex-Green Berets make me scream like a sissy-boy.

And the number one random fact about Rohrblogger...

1. I was once the opening act for Carrot Top

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/5/08)

I am tagging...
Carrot Top, The Green Berets, The University of Arizona Student Union, Ryan Seacrest, The Arizona Department of Corrections, and Oprah

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

TOP TEN REJECTED EXCUSES FOR SPEEDING

Top Ten Rejected Excuses for Speeding

10. Had to get home to make sweet love to your mother, officer

9. I'm dislexic and thought the speed limit was 53

8. What school zone, retirement home, and bike lane?

7. Wanted to kill a moose with my car for Sarah Palin

6. Was rushing home to watch COPS

5. Accidentally hit the missile launcher. (James Bond only)

4. Had to go 88 mph to activate the flux capacitor

3. Thought it was Paris Hilton in the crosswalk

2. Ran out of Total, ate twenty-four bowls of Shredded Wheat

And the number one rejected excuse for speeding...

1. Someone just poured hot grits down my pants

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/2/08)

And the alternate...

Didn't think a bicycle would go 100 mph. (Lance Armstrong only)

Saturday, November 29, 2008

TOP TEN PHRASES IN MY ONLINE DATING PROFILE

Top Ten Phrases in My Online Dating Profile

10. Disease-free

9. In the hizzy

8. Ferret-like

7. Bootylicious

6. Harvard

5. Sexytime

4. Unctuous

3. Potty mouth

2. Beeyotch!

And the number one phrase in my online dating profile...

1. Hung like a light switch

-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/29/08)

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THANKSGIVING BUT AREN'T

Top Ten Things that Sound Dirty at Thanksgiving but Aren't

10. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in

9. I didn't expect everyone to come at once

8. It's Cool Whip time

7. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst

6. Whew, that's one terrific spread

5. I'm in the mood for dark meat

4. Are you ready for seconds yet?

3. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

2. Just wait your turn, you'll get some

And the number one thing that sounds dirty at Thanksgiving but isn't...

1. Don't play with your meat

-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/26/08)

And the alternates...

Talk about a huge breast
Tying the legs together keeps it moist inside
Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
You still have a little bit on your chin
How long will it take after you stick it in?
You'll know it's ready when it pops up
Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that
That's the biggest one I've ever seen
How long do I beat it before it's ready?

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

BEST. EMAIL. EVER.

Best. Email. Ever.

My cousin sent me the following during hiatus...

Everyday I wake up, get ready for school, grab my backpack and get into my car. The drive to school is short and painful, and all I can think about is a cup of strong black coffee. I get my coffee and walk into my class room ready to listen to a mind numbing teacher talk to me about litigation and business law. I tune her out and stare at my laptop ready to read something that always gives me hope that the day will end. I hit the favorites icon on my internet browser, and scroll down to "Jason's Top Ten" and click the those three words in anticipation. I take a sip of my strong black coffee.

And then a tear.

Last updated October 16, 2008: The dreaded sentence I read everyday. This is where the panic and anxiety sets in. October 16th, I read again and again. I open up the mini calender on the corner of my screen and count the days since the last top ten went up. It has been 27 days. I'm in withdrawal. The shivers at night are the worst.

What happened to the infamous Jason Rohrblogger? He was so great. I wonder if at that Vegas bachelor party took him from us forever. If it did, at least he died happy. Now please raise your glasses on this day after remembrance day, and remember Jason. A man who could make us laugh by just looking at you in his rear view mirror. A man who could make you smile every time you thought of his beautiful happy face. Remember. Jason.

-Kirk

Thursday, October 16, 2008

TOP TEN REASONS I WON'T BE POSTING FOR AWHILE

Top Ten Reasons I Won't Be Posting for Awhile

10. Now I have to find the real killers AND get OJ's memorabilia back

9. Must. Save. Stock. Market.

8. Working overtime to pull off a come-from-behind victory for Ron Paul

7. Can't talk. Masturbating.

6. Three words: Petticoat Junction Marathon

5. Britney won't stop calling

4. Getting the homeless to live outside the box

3. Being inducted into a society so secret, even I don't know what it is

2. Talking crazy bread down from the edge of the foil

And the number one reason I won't be posting for awhile...

1. Bachelor party in Vegas before my friend throws his life away marries the love of his life

-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/16/08)

Sunday, October 12, 2008

TOP TEN REJECTED KOOL-AID FLAVORS

Top Ten Rejected Kool-Aid Flavors

10. Meadowlark Lemon

9. Statutory Grape

8. Strawberiberi

7. Cherry Seinfeld

6. Wang Dang Sweet Orange Tang

5. 84 Octane Mangoline

4. Fig

3. Tomato 'n Onion

2. Marion Berry

And the number one rejected Kool-Aid flavor...

1. Sex on the playground

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/10/06)

And the alternates...

Lemon Plague
ImPeachMint
White Zinfandel
Cocaide
Ganges Float Surprise
Pamelons
Gangrene Apple
Raspberry Gordy
Girls Gone Watermelon
Red Sepsis
Electric Acid Test

Thursday, October 09, 2008

TOP TEN PAT ROBERTSON QUOTES

Top Ten Pat Robertson Quotes

10. "Over 100 years, I think the gradual erosion of the consensus that's held our country together is probably more serious than a few bearded terrorists who fly into buildings."
–On the dangers of judicial activism

9. "Lord, give us righteous judges who will not try to legislate and dominate this society. Take control, Lord! We ask for additional vacancies on the court."

8. "Just like what Nazi Germany did to the Jews, so liberal America is now doing to the evangelical Christians. It's no different. It is the same thing. It is happening all over again. It is the Democratic Congress, the liberal-based media and the homosexuals who want to destroy the Christians. Wholesale abuse and discrimination and the worst bigotry directed toward any group in America today. More terrible than anything suffered by any minority in history."

7. "I would warn Orlando that you're right in the way of some serious hurricanes, and I don't think I'd be waving those flags in God's face if I were you. This is not a message of hate. This is a message of redemption. But a condition like this will bring about the destruction of your nation. It'll bring about terrorist bombs; it'll bring earthquakes, tornadoes, and possibly a meteor."
–On "gay days" at Disneyworld

6. "The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians."

5. "I know this is painful for the ladies to hear, but if you get married, you have accepted the headship of a man, your husband. Christ is the head of the household and the husband is the head of the wife, and that's the way it is, period."

4. "I'd like to say to the good citizens of Dover: If there is a disaster in your area, don't turn to God, you just rejected him from your city. And don't wonder why he hasn't helped you when problems begin, if they begin. I'm not saying they will, but if they do, just remember, you just voted God out of your city. And if that's the case, don't ask for His help because He might not be there."
-After the city of Dover, Pennsylvania voted to boot the current school board, which instituted an intelligent design policy that led to a federal trial

3. "God considers this land to be His. You read the Bible and He says 'This is my land,' and for any prime minister of Israel who decides he is going to carve it up and give it away, God says, 'No, this is mine.' He was dividing God's land. And I would say, 'Woe unto any prime minister of Israel who takes a similar course to appease the E.U., the United Nations, or the United States of America.' God says, 'This land belongs to me. You better leave it alone.'"
-On why Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon suffered a massive stroke

2. "Maybe we need a very small nuke thrown off on Foggy Bottom to shake things up" –On nuking the State Department

And the number one Pat Robertson quote...

1. "You know, I don't know about this doctrine of assassination, but if he thinks we're trying to assassinate him, I think that we really ought to go ahead and do it. It's a whole lot cheaper than starting a war. We have the ability to take him out, and I think the time has come that we exercise that ability. We don't need another $200 billion war to get rid of one, you know, strong-arm dictator. It's a whole lot easier to have some of the covert operatives do the job and then get it over with."
-Calling for the assassination of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez

-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/9/08)

And the alternates...

"Wait a minute, I didn't say 'assassination.' I said our special forces should 'take him out,' and 'take him out' can be a number of things, including kidnapping."
–Clarifying his call to assassinate Hugo Chavez

"Is it right to call for assassination? No, and I apologize for that statement. I spoke in frustration that we should accommodate the man who thinks the U.S. is out to kill him."

"That was never in the Constitution, however much the liberals laugh at me for saying it, they know good and well it was never in the Constitution! Such language only appeared in the constitution of the Communist Soviet Union."
-On the constitutional separation of church and state

"Well, I totally concur." –to Jerry Falwell following the Sept. 11 attacks, after Falwell said, "I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way - all of them who have tried to secularize America - I point the finger in their face and say: "You helped this happen."

Monday, October 06, 2008

TOP TEN JASON ROHRBLOGGER MAGAZINE HEADLINES

Top Ten Jason Rohrblogger Magazine Headlines

10. Lists with Less Than Ten Items: Should They Be Posted?

9. Internet Porn for Dummies

8. Bottom Ten Lists: Are They a Threat?

7. Stolen Premise Preview 2009!

5. Man Bites Pun

4. Pimping Out Your Blah Black Blogger Template

3. Listin' Ain't Easy

2. We Replace the Fine Headline Normally Written with Folger's Crystals: Is Anything Funnier?

And the number one Jason Rohrblogger Magazine headline...

1. Sidebar Suicide! Avoiding Banner Tags at All Costs

-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/02/06)

And the alternates...

We Drive Ten Jokes Into the Ground and See Who Comes Back for More!
Recycling: Lewinsky Jokes and Taco Bell Chihuahua References We Can't Get Enough of!
Posting Every Three Weeks: Leave 'Em Wanting More!
Moderation Madness: Controlling the Comment Chaos
Our Pick for Sexiest Blogger Alive

Friday, October 03, 2008

TOP TEN LIES I HAVE TOLD

Top Ten Lies I Have Told

10. I don't know how that got there

9. Those are the original miles

8. I don't like it when you touch me there

7. That's not infected

6. I'll have your money tomorrow

5. Never on a Sunday

4. I'm a great candidate for this job, sir

3. You'll be okay

2. I love you

And the number one lie I have told...

1. I can't believe it's not butter

-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/3/08)

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

BAD BREAK UP DEUX

Bad Break Up Deux

Dear Wells Fargo Bank,

You've known this was coming before I did. We've had a good, long run: 28 years.

I was eleven when my mother brought me down to open a savings account with you. What made you so attractive is that you are everywhere. Just like a bad girl, you get around. Every street corner, grocery store, and shopping mall.

It hasn't all been deposits and sunshine. I'm a lazy, lazy man and switching banks is a pain in my lazy, lazy derrière. So I put up with your crazy fees, refusal to return my checks, incessant charges to talk with a teller, and endless hold times. Because, hey, after 28 years I think I can still make this work.

The end came when I had to deposit a check. That's all. I wanted to GIVE YOU MONEY. A lot of it, because I was MAKING A DOWN PAYMENT ON A HOME. Since you charge me to go to a teller, I went to one of your automated teller machines, like I have done thousands of times.

Los Angeles has the highest level of fraud with the possible exception of Wall Street. We are, after all, a Pacific Rim border town. So I wasn't surprised when you returned my check with a request to go in-person to deposit it with a teller. So far you are being picky, but reasonable. And besides, I've missed our face-to-face time.

Here's the problem though, Wells. What can I do if the TELLER refuses my deposit? She looked at my check like I just handed her a dead rat. She called for a supervisor who scowled and said she was going to put a "90-day hold" on the check, "send it to collections," and charge me a "$150.00 fee for processing" it. I am not making this up.

So I call your phone center and tell them what happened. I ask if I can deposit the check over the phone. The nice supervisor at the call center stated, because of the amount, I would have to deposit it in-person at a branch. When I gently informed her that the branch manager was going to charge me $150.00 and a 90-day hold for GIVING YOU MONEY she stated it was the "manager's discretion" whether or not to take a deposit. Fair enough. So, how can I deposit this?

I was told I can drive around from branch to branch attempting to deposit my check but there are no guarantees that any branch will take it. I am not making this up.

Look, Wells, I am not a criminal. But I don't expect you to take my word for it. I expect you to look at the bank account I've had with you forever. You know where I live, you know where I work, YOU'VE EXTENDED ME LINES OF CREDIT FAR BEYOND THE DEPOSIT I WAS MAKING.

So why are you treating me like a SPAM e-mail from Nigeria?

Speaking of working (a concept you are apparently not familiar with) I have a day job. I can't be driving from branch to branch in the hopes that one of your managers will decide to kiss me first.

So it's not me, it's you.

Look Wells, you're huge now. Huge, bloated, no longer relevant. You are Orson Wells Fargo. And like Orson Welles your best work came early and then degenerated into magnificent ambiguity. The Magnificent Ambiguities. With a higher churn rate than an Amish dairy.

I went to one of the smallest banks there is and they immediately opened a checking account for me that EARNS INTEREST and cashed my large check. Apparently small banks like large deposits. From strangers who just walked in. Sure they only have one location, but they like me for who I am. A non-fraud committing customer who gives them money.

So I'll see you around on the street corner, the grocery store and the shopping mall. But I won't see you at the bank.

For once smaller is better. Good luck with the bail outs...

-Jason Rohrblogger
(9/30/08)

Saturday, September 27, 2008

TOP TEN PAUL NEWMAN QUOTES

Top Ten Paul Newman Quotes

10. If you're playing a poker game and you look around the table and and can't tell who the sucker is, it's you.

9. People stay married because they want to, not because the doors are locked.

8. Money won is twice as sweet as money earned.

7. I'm a supporter of gay rights. And not a closet supporter either. From the time I was a kid, I have never been able to understand attacks upon the gay community. There are so many qualities that make up a human being by the time I get through with all the things that I really admire about people, what they do with their private parts is probably so low on the list that it is irrelevant.

6. To be an actor you have to be a child

5. If you don't have enemies, you don't have character.

4. Newman's first law: It is useless to put on your brakes when you're upside down.
Newman's second law: Just when things look darkest, they go black.

3. [Getting the truth in the New York Post has been as] difficult as finding a good hamburger in Albania.

2. We lost the gearbox and I started sliding around out there. I was having a good time up until that point.

And the number one Paul Newman quote...

1. The embarrassing thing is that the salad dressing is outgrossing my films.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(09/27/08)

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

TOP TEN REJECTED DRUGS

Top Ten Rejected Drugs

10. Hairy Speedball

9. Strawberry Heroin

8. Pepsicaine

7. Preparation Itch

6. Angel Rust

5. Malibu Barbiturates

4. Floor Bait

3. Tragic Mushrooms

2. Folger's Crystal Meth

And the number one rejected drug...

1. Liquid Panty Remover

-Jason Rohblogger
(9/24/08)

Sunday, September 21, 2008

TOP TEN PHRASES IN MY QUARTERLY REVIEW

Top Ten Phrases in My Quarterly Review

10. Unauthorized

9. Unsatisfactory

8. Unproductive

7. Unsupervised

6. Unnecessary

5. Unthinkable

4. Unstable

3. Underhanded

2. Unspeakable

And the number one phrase in my quarterly review...

1. Understandable

-Jason Rohrblogger
(9/21/08)

And the alternates...

Unsuccessful
Uncalled for
Unskilled
Ungulate
Unsuitable
On time

Thursday, September 18, 2008

TOP TEN LINES THAT SOUND DIRTY IN STAR WARS BUT AREN'T

Top Ten Lines that Sound Dirty in Star Wars but Aren't

10. She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid.

9. Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!

8. Look at the size of that thing!

7. Sorry about the mess...

6. You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought.

5. Aren't you a little short for a storm trooper?

4. You've got something jammed in here real good.

3. Put that thing away before you get us all killed!

2. Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?

And the number one line that sounds dirty in Star Wars but isn't...

1. Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care WHAT you smell!

-Jason Rohrblogger
(9/18/08)

And the alternates...

You're all clear, kid. Now let's blow this thing and go home!
Get on top of it!

Monday, September 15, 2008

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR NOVEL WILL NOT WIN A PEN/FAULKNER AWARD

Top Ten Signs Your Novel will not Win a PEN/Faulkner Award

10. Your theme: Bitch better have my money

9. Your plot: Man vs Cake

8. Main character: Perry Hotter

7. Wrote two beginnings and a middle, but no end

6. You follow a maverick policeman who easily avenges his partner's murder with careful investigation and proper case handling

5. Published exclusively on Bazooka gum wrappers

4. Final chapter concludes with a plea for all mankind to embrace penis enlargement

3. Chapter one: "Rollin' in my five-point-oh." Chapter two: "Got my ragtop down so my hair can blow."

2. You illustrate man's inhumanity to Aimee Mann

And the number one sign your novel will not win a PEN/Faulkner Award...

1. You submit ten single-line synopses and not one is funny

-Jason Rohrblogger
(9/15/08)

And the alternates...

You craft a sequel to Genesis
It's the fictionalized memoir of a Nigerian Internet banker
You attempt to explain how Stella got her back groove

Friday, September 12, 2008

TOP TEN SARAH PALIN PET PEEVES

Top Ten Sarah Palin Pet Peeves

10. Public private jets

9. MySpace

7. Full household uteri that aren't hers

6. Community organizers

5. Live moose

4. Being called a VPILF

3. Presidential nominees younger than 70

2. Her resemblance to Caribou Barbie

And the number one Sarah Palin pet peeve...

1. Vice presidents who don't kill on the first shot

-Jason Rohrblogger
(9/12/08)

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

TOP TEN SARAH PALIN TURN-ONS

Top Ten Sarah Palin Turn-ons

10. Pro-life hunters

9. Hockey proms

8. State troopers who resign

7. Shotgun weddings

6. Presidential nominees knocking on Heaven's door

5. Mooseburger Helper

4. Sweet Inuit nothings whispered in her TelePrompTer

3. Former P.O.W.s

2. The naughty feeling of secretly wearing a full set of thermal underwear beneath a smart pantsuit

And the number one Sarah Palin turn-on...

1. Pit bulls who wear lipstick

-Jason Rohrblogger
(9/9/08)

Saturday, September 06, 2008

TOP TEN WORST ALBUM COVERS OF ALL TIME REDUX

Top Ten Worst Album Covers of All Time Redux

Awhile back I published this list and it has remained VERY popular. I get 20 to 30 hits a day just for this post. So...I am doing what every media outlet does when they have a hit, I am reissuing it over and over. This time with my snarky remarks...

10.

Um, you know you have a problem when the MEN in your family are better looking than the women.


9.

Wally? She doesn't care. At least, she didn't care last night when we were listening to MY album.

8.

I don't know if this is supposed to appeal to men or women, but I do know this: he wouldn't know what to do with either of them.

7.

Why do the sweaters have scoop necks if the shirts don't have open collars? And is your church held in a barn? Cuz that would be cool.

6.

Was the studio out of razors? Why are three of these guys smiling? What's going on under there? Wait, I don't want to know.

5.

You laugh, but I love her. She will be mine. Oh, yes. She. Will. Be. Mine.

4.

If I was making an album about the loss of every single one of my friends, I would want it put out by the "Rainbow" record company, too. Nobody knows loss and death like those Rainbow guys.

3.

Ah, Ken, I actually like your suit. But I have a request: can the Broyhill carpet guy that installed your shag be shot?

2.

Where to start, Dave? The unfortunate placement of the word "Zap?" The fact that your master has lashed you to a turntable? Your juicy mullet? You know, leather pants are a privilege, Dave, not a right. And Michael Jackson called, he wants his shirt back.


And the number one worst album cover of all time...

1.

It's hard to be more gay than the Village People, and they were TRYING to be gay. And your song "All Men Play on 10?" Well your absolute gayness goes to 11.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(5/12/07)

And the alternates...



So many completely inappropriate jokes, so little bandwidth. Insert your own threesome, hot Braille-on-Braille action, or Bouffant-fetish gag here.


You're God's child? Because you look like a carbon-copy of the nimrod standing next to you.


I thought Joyce (above) had a lock on the rose-and-bad-eyewear look. And "Heino" is the sound I involuntarily make when I look at you.


Looks like one of these Crusaders invaded the drive-thru at Taco Bell. He worships the Burger King of Kings.


Well, Jim, you LOOK like you love your life.


The miracle isn't that she can still play the organ with no hands, it's that she can do it while looped on ecstasy. I don't know how I would handle it, though. I have to play my organ by hand every night.


You know who I feel for? The guy on the right. He's obviously gained ten pounds, and a second chin, since the suit fitting. And he can't hide his extreme sexiness behind glasses like the Clark Kents on the left. It's gotta suck to not fit in the spiritual daisy chain once the touching starts...


This guy is obviously a serial killer. You can see the lumpy bodies stacked up four-deep and covered in hay behind him. But with all the money to be cadged from dead-people's wallets, you'd think he could get some dental work done...


Look, I don't know if you are a cop or a robber, but you might want to LOAD THAT THING before you threaten me with it (or your jazz themes.) 'Nuff said.


Whatever John is saying, it took him half a beer and cigarette to work up the courage. My only request for Julie is: show me on the doll where John touched you.


You're welcome, Mike. You're welcome.

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

TOP TEN JERRY SEINFELD QUOTES

Top Ten Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

10. I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?

9. A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

8. What is a date really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you'll wind up naked.

7. People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.

6. Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

5. Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?

4. Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

5. Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

4. There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."

3. According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.

2. Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

And the number one Jerry Seinfeld quote...

1. Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(9/3/08)

And the alternates...

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, make strangers laugh, get paid to make strangers laugh, and make people talk like you because it's so much fun.

Why do they call it a "building?" It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built?"

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. "Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here."

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel."

The IRS are like the mafia! They can take anything they want!

Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.

I have a friend who's collecting unemployment insurance. This guy has never worked so hard in his life as he has to keep this thing going. He's down there every week, waiting on the lines and getting interviewed and making up all these lies about looking for jobs. If they had any idea of the effort and energy that he is expending to avoid work, I'm sure they'd give him a raise.

Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.

What would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking, all the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a blind date last? About thirteen seconds, I think. "Oh, sorry, your rear end is too big." "That's ok, your breath stinks anyway. See you later."

Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.

Sunday, August 31, 2008

TOP TEN INFREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

Top Ten Infrequently Asked Questions

10. They shoot horses, don't they?

9. Is this the beer line?

8. Are you my mommy?

7. If a picture paints a thousand words, then why can't I paint you?

6. What's up, Chuck?

5. I can has cheezburger?

4. ¿Qué onda, güey?

3. Why can't I be more Cheney-like?

2. Does Alice live here?

And the number one infrequently asked question...

1. Did you just pour hot grits down my pants?

-Jason Rohrblogger
(8/31/08)

Friday, August 29, 2008

FAT JACK'S ERRATIC RAVE

Big thanks to Jack over at Fat Jack's Erratic Rants for linking to my Top Ten Things that Sound Dirty in the Bible but Aren't list.

He's got other fun Bible-themed links here and here.

I'll be going to Hell, but with shout-outs like this, my ego won't fit through the door...

Thanks for the blog love, Jack!

-Rohrblogger

Thursday, August 28, 2008

TOP TEN MENU DESCRIPTIONS OF JRTT

Most menus read like they were written in a hyperbolic chamber. Herewith are my...

Top Ten Menu Descriptions of Jason Rohrblogger's Top Ten

10. Sarcasm-covered sarcasm with a creamy sarcasm filling

9. Hand-battered funny on a bed of list

8. Beechwood-aged references sauced with smoked irrelevance and sage-barley stupidity

7. Organic California-grown social commentary rolled in pun crumbs

6. Pan-seared politics encrusted with five peppercorniness

5. Medallions of premise stuffed with sweet punch- and tag-lines en croute

4. Marinated pop-culture drizzled with wood-fired obscurity

3. Wit-cured salted offensiveness dished family-style

2. Fine humor normally served replaced with Folger's Crystals. Let's see if anyone notices.

And the number one menu description of Jason Rohrblogger's Top Ten...

1. Maplewood rosettes of wacky topped with jumbo Arizona gags, laced with smoked opacity and covered with a rosemary and olive oil grilled laugh chop, and a pineapple bread-crusted fillet of acerbity, presented with a side of creamy comedy polenta and bathed with an oven-roasted apple and cinnamon farce reduction of percipience bordelaise

-Grand Chef Rohrblogger
(10/4/06)

Monday, August 25, 2008

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN THE BIBLE BUT AREN'T

Top Ten Things that Sound Dirty in the Bible but Aren't

10. "And thou shalt take this rod in thine hand, wherewith thou shalt do wonders."
(Exodus 4:17)

9. "Who will come against me?"
(Jeremiah 49:4)

8. "His fruit was sweet to my taste."
(Song of Solomon 2:3)

9. "I will make you as firm as a rock, as hard as a diamond."
(Ezekiel 3:9)

7. "Sir, you have no bucket, and the well is deep."
(John 4:11)

6. "My mouth praises thee with joyful lips, when I think of thee upon my bed."
(Psalms 63:6)

5. "Go, call your husband, and come back."
(John 4:16)

4. "His seed shall be mighty upon the earth."
(Psalms 112:2)

3. "He looked, and behold, the bush was burning with fire, yet the bush was not consumed."
(Exodus 3:2)

2. "He will also keep you firm to the end."
(1st Corinthians 1:8)

And the number one thing that sounds dirty in the Bible but isn't...

1. "Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me."
(Psalms 23:4)

-Jason Rohrblogger
(8/25/08)

Hey, where am I going in this hand basket?

And the alternates:

"Take, eat; this is my body."
(1st Corinthians 12:23)

"So because thou art lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spew thee out of my mouth."
(Revelation 3:16)

"For if a woman is not covered, let her also be shaved."
(1st Corinthians 11:6)

"My love thrust his hand through the opening, and my feelings were stirred for him."
(Song of Solomon 5:2)

"You must go back to your mistress and submit to her."
(Genesis 16:9)

"Put your finger here and observe My hands. Reach out your hand and put it into My side."
(John 20:27)

Thursday, August 21, 2008

TOP TEN REJECTED MUNICIPAL SLOGANS FOR CALIFORNIA CITIES

Top Ten Rejected Municipal Slogans for California Cities

10. No Hoes Like Tahoes

9. Get Baked in Bakersfield

8. Gilroy: Garlic Breath Capitol of the World

7. Armpittsburg

6. Ante Up in Antioch

5. Take a Nap in Napa

4. It's Always 4:20-nine in Twentynine Palms

3. Madera: Smell Our Dairy Air!

2. San Fran-friggintastic!

And the number one rejected municipal slogan for a California city...

1. Los Angeles: Your Pacific Rim Job Headquarters

-Jason Rohrblogger
(8/21/08)

Monday, August 18, 2008

TOP TEN SURPRISES AT MY HIGH SCHOOL REUNION

Top Ten Surprises at My High School Reunion

10. That one girl who started having babies in high school - and never stopped

9. The kids who worshiped Billy Idol then, are burned out like him now

8. The fat men and bald women

7. What twenty years of steroids did to that jock's face

6. Classmates who have children with more graduate school than me

5. Finding out my Secret Crush grew up to be a butch lesbian

4. I was voted most likely to piss and moan all the way to the grave

3. Some teachers never die

2. I STILL don't understand my peers

And the number one surprise at my high school reunion...

1. It's never too late to drive a bitchen Camaro and do burnouts in the Dairy Queen parking lot

-Jason Rohrblogger
(8/18/08)

Thursday, August 14, 2008

TOP TEN REJECTED BABY VERSIONS

Crumblord recently posted about how lame Muppet Babies are. Nobody puts babies in a corner! Herewith are my...

Top Ten Rejected Baby Versions

10. Tikes of Hazzard

9. The A-Teen

8. The Greatest American Fetus

7. Knight Nursers

6. Babewatch

5. Infant-asy Island

4. Water Baby Babies

3. Charlie's Adolescents

2. Neonate & Allie

And the number one rejected baby version...

1. The Baby Bunch

-Jason Rohrblogger
(9/19/06)

And the alternates...

Teen Acres
Newborn Jack City
McHale's Natal
Babycoat Junction
Embryo Loves Chachi
The Six Million Dollar Manchild
24...Months
Baby and the Bear
Miami Diapers
CSI Daycare
Freebie and the Tween

Monday, August 11, 2008

FIFTY RITA RUDNER QUOTES ON MEN

Fifty Rita Rudner Quotes on Men

50. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates really hard, he can help his team. If his team is in trouble, he coaches the players from the living room. If they are really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.

49. If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.

48. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

47. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.

46. All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.

44. The way a man looks at himself in the mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.

44. Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to KNOW.

43. Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.

42. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow instead of a gun.

41. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

40. Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.

39. All men hate to hear "We need to talk." No matter what the subject is, these seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Norman Schwarzkopf.

38. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log doesn't burn, he will take it personally.

37. Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.

36. All men think they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.

35. Men do not get cellulite. Another point for God possibly being a man.

34. Men have an easier time shopping for a bathing suit. Women have two types: Depressing and More depressing! Men have two types: Nerdy and Not Nerdy.

33. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in the winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

32. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo!"

31. Most men hate to shop. That is why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

30. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.

29. If you are dating a man who you think might be Mr. Right if he only: A) got older B) got a new job or C) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a rude awakening. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.

28. Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get looser, baggier and longer.

27. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

26. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.

25. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.

24. Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.

23. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie "The Way We Were" twice, voluntarily.

22. Most women are introspective. "Am I In Love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"

21. If a man says "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't FORGET... he didn't LOSE your number... he didn't DIE! He just didn't want to call you.

20. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."

19. Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of the sight of women.

18. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.

17. Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch: "Thanks." On the other side, "Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."

16. Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.

15. Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.

14. Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.

13. Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.

12. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheroes. Women have bad self images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

11. When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume his clothing has shrunk.

10. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause: you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.

9. Men forget everything. Women remember everything.

8. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.

7. Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.

6. All men would still really like to own a train set.

5. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

4. If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.

3. Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the "nice" of bald.

2. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

And the number one Rita Rudner quote on men...

1. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(8/8/08)

Friday, August 08, 2008

TOP TEN REJECTED SUMMER OLYMPIC EVENTS

Top Ten Rejected Summer Olympic Events

10. Superbadminton

9. Crack and Field

8. Salma Kayak

7. Water Polio

6. Synchronized Bitching

5. Web Surfing

4. Menstrual Cycling

3. Insurgency

2. Lohan Stalking

And the number one rejected Summer Olympic event...

1. Water Boarding

-Jason Rohrblogger
(8/8/08)

And the alternates...
Dumpster Diving
Wrastlin'
Freebasing
Handball with Chris Matthews
Sock Her
Fountain Biking
Ann Archery
Extreme Ironing
Centathalon

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

PROPS

Props

I like my gossip like I like my guacamole: spicy. I'm sending much love out to Spicy Pants over at Celebrity Smack for linking to my Top Ten Classes I'd Like to See Offered in High School post and blowing my stats like Andy Dick's nose.

I'm just one tiny humorlet in the Bright Shiny Blogosphere and Spicy sends me traffic like I'm Britney Revisited.

Also...

Darby Clark over at Muse with Me has written a Jason-inspired Top Ten List that made me spurt Johnnie Walker out my nose.

If I have to put my drink down, it's funny.

I got nothing but mad link-love for my two internet peeps above...

-Jason Rohrblogger
(8/5/08)

Sunday, August 03, 2008

TOP TEN CLASSES I'D LIKE TO SEE OFFERED IN HIGH SCHOOL

Top Ten Classes I'd Like to See Offered in High School

10. Beginning Marriage
Pre-requisites: Debate, Advanced Boyfriend/Girlfriend (Cannot be taken concurrently)
Endlessly argue about minor things from what's for dinner, to major life decisions about where to live and work. Give up half your closet space and all of your freedom.

9. Advanced Divorce
Topics include: failure, loneliness, and bankruptcy. Midterm is a court-appointed session with a psychologist. Final exam requires you spend one weekend a month convincing two wet-eyed preschoolers that mommy and daddy still love them.

8. Sick Kid (Offered as Night Course Only)
Spend the entire semester at night in actual waiting rooms on hard plastic chairs with a small child in distress. Comfort yourself that at least your kid isn't as messed up as the other freakshows seeking help. Contract whatever exotic disease your precious angel brought home from that seething cesspit called daycare. At the end of this course successful students will be able to go without sleep, health insurance, or a diagnosis.

7. Soul-crushing Job (Internship)
Ignore all basic human qualities of pride, creativity, and self-determination while filling out TPS reports in a 3x3-foot cubicle. Midterm will require you sacrifice pay, status, and self-respect in deference to vague undefined corporate goals set by hostile management with less education that you. Final grade will be based on how well you do this without being noticed or singled-out for any reason.

6. Advanced Girlfriend
Learn to apologize, how wrong you are, and that it's your fault, while explaining just where the hell you have been. Rack up bottomless cell phone charges calling to check-in. During the term of this course, students will not be allowed to watch an entire game or sleep through Oprah. Limited access to beer, chicken wings, and buddies. Midterm is an oral exam to talk about your feelings. Final exam is an unassisted major jewelry purchase.

5. Conversational Boyfriend I
Mandatory lab supplies: new clothes, new shoes, new haircut
Blow your paycheck at the mall and submit to a Brazilian wax. Drink caustic cosmos while the instructor drones on endlessly about his car and his mother. Midterm is a "date" at Hooters to discuss the ultimate fantasy football lineup. Final grades will be released if he calls you back.

4. Insurance Claim (Lab)
Meet three hours a day, three days a week, in the phone lab to be put on hold waiting to speak with an insurance adjuster in Bangladesh. Attempt to decipher your policy, deductible, and coverage. Explore modern techniques to deal with interminable delay, how to document minutiae, and claim denial. Final exam is a take-home essay to the Department of Insurance explaining what happened in detail and requesting relief.

3. Intermediate Banking
Deposit your money and then attempt to withdraw it in one of three ways: Students will learn to navigate a menu-driven ATM written in hieroglyphics, try to cash a check, or balance a debit card statement.
Note: A $5.00 fee is charged every time you to speak to the instructor personally.

2. Run for Local Government
Pick an issue and run for the minor office of your choice. If elected, students will attend mind-numbing policy meetings embroiled in subviolent debates about retaining-wall permits and barking dogs. You will balance a budget, comply with state and federal mandated bullshit, and endure thankless pancake breakfasts. Final exam includes running for higher office and being summarily trounced by a local weatherman wearing a feather boa.

And the number one class I'd like to see offered in high school...

1. Buy a House (Colloquium)
Pre-requisite: Soul-crushing Job (Must be taken concurrently)
Recommended: Insurance Claim (Lab)
This class requires a year's salary as a deposit. Then mortgage your future and freedom while filling out more paperwork than a law clerk. Be prepared to prove where all of your money has come from including your allowance when you were twelve and any change found in your couch cushions. First half of semester will be spent attempting to get a loan officer to return your phone call. Second half of semester will be spent translating what the loan officer said into English. Your final exam is a complete kitchen and bathroom remodel for older homes, or processing multiple construction defect claims for newer homes. No grades will be released until escrow closes.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(8/3/08)

Thursday, July 31, 2008

TOP TEN PICKUP LINES FOR NERDS

Top Ten Pickup Lines for Nerds

10. You're hotter than a bunsen burner

9. You fascinate me more than the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus

8. Since distance equals velocity times time, let's let velocity and time approach infinity, because I want to go all the way with you

7. My love for you is like a concave up function because it is always increasing

6. Let's convert our potential energy to kinetic energy

5. Your body has the nicest arc length I've ever seen

4. How about me and you go back to my place and form a covalent bond?

3. Me and you would add up better than a Riemann sum

2. You're sweeter than glucose

And the number one pickup line for nerds...

1. Why don't we measure the coefficient of static friction between me and you?

-Jason Rohrblogger
(7/31/08)

Monday, July 28, 2008

TOP TEN HECKLER EXCUSES

Top Ten Heckler Excuses

10. Thought this was an AA meeting

9. Just happy to be out of the trailer park for awhile

8. Want to try karaoke comedy

7. Off the meds

6. It's not open jerk night?

5. Trying to comply with the 22 drink minimum

4. Making Amy Winehouse look classy

3. Can yell at the TV without being kicked out!

2. Took three bouncers to get out of the womb, too

And the number one heckler excuse...

1. Is the only person in the room more needy and insecure than the performer onstage

-Jason Rohrblogger
(07/25/08)

And the alternates...

Superability to make an awkward situation more awkward
Like to bomb harder than a B-52
Less shame than Paris Hilton
Suffer from post traumatic comedy disorder
Need to be held

Friday, July 25, 2008

TOP TEN SURPRISES IN THE MR. PEANUT AUTOBIOGRAPHY

Top Ten Surprises in the Mr. Peanut Autobiography

10. Jimmy Carter grew more than nuts

9. California Raisins? Gay as a rainbow dolphin.

8. Peanut butter contains absolutely no dairy

7. Despises jelly

6. Likes his women chunky-style

5. Voted for Nixon for a third term

4. Once drilled Mrs. Peanut for oil

3. Monocle is bifocal. It's a monobifocal.

2. Contract rider provides fluffer for his nutter

And the number one surprise in the Mr. Peanut autobiography...

1. Those aren't peanuts

-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/16/06)

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU ARE SPENDING TOO MUCH TIME AT THE AIRPORT

Top Ten Signs You are Spending Too Much Time at the Airport

10. You step through the golden arches and automatically remove your belt and shoes

9. You point to the exit with two fingers

8. Watery soup and limp salad for $21.50 seems like a fair deal to you

7. You refer to your household entrance as "Home Gate A"

6. You advise your spouse to arrive in bed at least two hours before boarding

5. You never give your guest the whole can of Coke

4. The note in your child's lunch reminds her that contents may have shifted while in transit

3. You announce to your neighbor that, even on garbage day, he should not leave bags at the curb unattended

2. Carpool segments lasting more than two hours receive a light snack

And the number one sign you are spending too much time at the airport...

1. Your favorite position is upright and locked

-Jason Rohrblogger
(05/30/06)

Saturday, July 19, 2008

TOP TEN REJECTED BAYWATCH SEQUELS

Top Ten Rejected Baywatch Sequels

10. Baywitch

9. Maybach

8. Baymitch

7. Maybitch

6. Haywatch

5. Jaywalk

4. Sandwich

3. Gaywatch

2. Swatch Watch

And the number one rejected Baywatch sequel...

1. Bay Watcher, Texas Ranger

-Jason Rohrblogger
(7/19/08)

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

TOP TEN SUPERMAN COMPLAINTS ABOUT BATMAN

Top Ten Superman Complaints About Batman

10. That ridiculous cowl he uses to hide his identity when all he really needs is a good pair of glasses

9. When Batman wears a Kryptonite utility belt buckle just to show off

8. Metropolis: clean, well lit modern city, Gotham: filthy dark sewer

7. Batman's parents ordinary crime victims, not king and queen of cool doomed planet

6. The way the Batmobile takes up TWO parking spaces at the Hall of Justice

5. Who can get a decent night's rest with that annoying Bat Signal lighting up the sky all the time?

4. Literate cover Clark Kent much smarter than snobby, overpriviledged Bruce Wayne

3. Batcave always out of toilet paper and clean towels.

2. Nickname "Dark Knight" just a lousy pun. Real superheroes are men of steel!

And the number one Superman complaint about Batman...

1. Batman slower than a speeding bullet, weaker than a locomotive, unable to leap tall buildings in a single bound.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(7/12/98)

Sunday, July 13, 2008

TOP TEN PHRASES I WOULD LIKE USED AT MY FUNERAL

Top Ten Phrases I Would Like Used at My Funeral

10. Finally off the junk

9. Ninja-like

8. Huge "Sound of Music" fan

7. Okay-smelling

6. Big athletic supporter

5. Hairless

4. Six-pack killer (I would also have accepted killer six-pack)

3. Elbow-kissing

2. Suh-weet Baby Jason!

And the number one phrase I would like used at my funeral...

1. Acquitted of all charges

-Jason Rohrblogger
(7/13/08)

And the alternates...

Extra-medium
Funny-sounding

Thursday, July 10, 2008

TOP TEN P.J. O'ROURKE QUOTES

Top Ten P.J. O'Rourke Quotes

10. The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it.

9. Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.

8. Staying married may have long-term benefits. You can elicit much more sympathy from friends over a bad marriage than you ever can from a good divorce.

7. Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

6. The Clinton administration launched an attack on people in Texas because those people were religious nuts with guns. Hell, this country was founded by religious nuts with guns. Who does Bill Clinton think stepped ashore on Plymouth Rock?

5. A hat should be taken off when you greet a lady and left off for the rest of your life. Nothing looks more stupid than a hat.

4. You can't get rid of poverty by giving people money.

3. If you say a modern celebrity is an adulterer, a pervert and a drug addict, all it means is that you've read his autobiography.

2. There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences.

And the number one P.J. O'Rourke quote...

1. The mystery of government is not how Washington works but how to make it stop.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(7/10/08)

And the alternates...

The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to.

Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power.

Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.

If you are young and you drink a great deal it will spoil your health, slow your mind, make you fat - in other words, turn you into an adult.

America wasn't founded so that we could all be better. America was founded so we could all be anything we damned well pleased.

Ideology, politics and journalism, which luxuriate in failure, are impotent in the face of hope and joy.

Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife.

In our brief national history we have shot four of our presidents, worried five of them to death, impeached one and hounded another out of office. And when all else fails, we hold an election and assassinate their character.

Every government is a parliament of whores. The trouble is, in a democracy, the whores are us.

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.

Monday, July 07, 2008

TOP TEN TELEVISION SHOWS IN AFGHANISTAN

Top Ten Television Shows in Afghanistan

10. Mr. Bean Laden

9. Who's Mine is it, Anyway?

8. Talibandstand

7. My Three...Whoops! Make that Two...Sons

6. Are You Smarter than a Martyr?

5. The Slice is Right

4. Non-Survivor

3. The Barney Rubble Show

2. Captain Kangaroo Court

And the number one television show in Afghanistan...

1. The Love Goat (Abandon sheep!)

-Jason Rohrblogger
(7/7/08)

And the alternate...

How I Met Your Mullah

Friday, July 04, 2008

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU ARE PATRIOTIC

Top Ten Signs You are Patriotic

10. There's an Army patch sewn onto your arm

9. Your fave My Little Pony? Betsy Hoss

8. You are redneck, white trash, and blue collar

7. You know the lyrics to every Lee Greenwood song

6. You eat freedom fries, and use a freedom tickler to let freedom ring

5. You apologize for letting Dick Cheney shoot you in the face

4. You freebase apple pie

3. You like your fireworks big, your Budweiser cold, and your Yankee Doodle dandy

2. You're a flag hag

And the number one sign you are patriotic...

1. You are born-again on the fourth of every July

-Jason Rohrblogger
(7/4/08)

And the alternate...

You have the names of all twenty-one current cabinet members tattooed on your eyelids

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD AT THE SAG/AFTRA NEGOTIATIONS

Top Ten Things Overheard at the SAG/AFTRA Negotiations

10. Go ahead...make more pay

9. Will this slow down production on the next "Police Academy" movie?

8. George Clooney is so pretty when he's angry

7. If I had a nickel every time someone illegally downloaded a movie. Okay...four cents

6. I'm sorry Mr. Pitt, this meeting is for actors only

5. For the last time...no brown M&Ms!

4. Fabio on the final offer: "I can't believe it's not better."

3. I just want any residual green found in Matthew McConaughey's trailer

2. I liked her up fronts but the back end needs work

And the number one thing overheard at the SAG/AFTRA negotiations...

1. Can somebody cut Jack Nicholson's coke for him?

-Jason Rohrblogger
(7/1/08)

And the alternates...

I'd like you to meet our lead negotiator, Optimus Prime
Sign the contract now, and we'll digitally enhance it in post

Saturday, June 28, 2008

TOP TEN ITEMS FOUND AT THE PAMELA ANDERSON ESTATE SALE

Top Ten Items Found at the Pamela Anderson Estate Sale

10. Slightly used Valtrex

9. Set of three leftover back tattoos

8. Pilot script for terror-themed jiggle show: Guantánamo Baywatch

7. Fifty-gallon oil drum of Olay

6. Lifesize mummifed Joe C

5. Formal Oneida 10-piece coke spoon place setting (gently used)

4. White wedding dress (unused)

3. The last remaining shreds of whatever dignity she had to begin with

2. Lot of 500 VHS honeymoon videos

And the number one item found at the Pamela Anderson estate sale...

1. High-mileage Kid Rock, heavy wear, as-is, needs repair, no returns, you haul

-Jason Rohrblogger
(6/28/08)

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

TOP TEN GEORGE CARLIN QUOTES

This list has been getting mad hits for obvious reasons so I am reposting it here. May George Carlin get top billing at the Great Gig in the Sky...

Top Ten George Carlin Quotes

10. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

9. A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

8. Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?

7. There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven you can't say on television. What a ratio that is! 399,993 to 7. They must really be baaaad. They must be OUTRAGEOUS to be separated from a group that large. "All of you words over here, you seven...baaaad words." That's what they told us, right? You know the seven, don't ya? That you can't say on TV? Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits.

6. The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."

5. Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.

4. Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man...living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.

3. You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

2. As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.

And the number one George Carlin quote...

1. Here's a bumper sticker I'd like to see: "We are the proud parents of a child who's self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn't need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car."

-Jason Rohrblogger
(01/26/08)

And the alternates....

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.

I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front-row seat.

Catholic — which I was until I reached the age of reason.

One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're too tired.

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

Once you leave the womb, conservatives don't care about you until you reach military age. Then you're just what they're looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.

The planet is fine. The people are fucked.

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal," "Thou shalt not commit adultery," and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

"No comment" is a comment.

When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn't a lot worth paying attention to.

I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don't have as many people who believe it.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

TOP TEN JASON TIPS FOR DEALING WITH THE HEAT

Top Ten Jason Tips for Dealing with the Heat

10. Conserve water by drinking plenty of vodka

9. Ranch dressing has an SPF of 10

8. Rock and roll all night, but party only every other day during non-peak hours

7. Make sure your hard drive is well hydrated

6. Wear your seatbelt...and nothing else

5. If necessary, cut open a polar bear and crawl inside to survive

4. Set your thermostat to "stun"

3. A pair of really cool sunglasses will lower your core temperature

2. Freebase Coppertone

And the number one Jason tip for dealing with the heat...

1. Get out of the kitchen

-Jason Rohrblogger
(6/22/08)

SHOUT OUT

Shout Out

Darby Clark over at Muse With Me states I'm talented, smart, and funny. Well, I AM funny. But looks aren't everything...

Muse with Darby at www.musewithme.net

Thanks for the blog love, Ms. Clark!

-Jason Rohrblogger
(6/22/08)

Thursday, June 19, 2008

TOP TEN AMY WINEHOUSE EXCUSES

Top Ten Amy Winehouse Excuses

10. Is simply misunderstood

9. Did it all for the nookie

8. New bacon ranch flavored heroin is sooooo goooood!

7. Was born in an actual wine house

6. Would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for those meddling kids

5. "Tell me how else am I going to [unintelligible] and wake up with the taste of cigarettes in my mouth and broken glass in my hair? Tell me that, huh?"

4. It's all Mr. Hathaway's fault

3. Just wants to be a role model for all of the future burned-out crack whores dragging through the gutter of the world

2. Was a prank that got out of hand

And the number one Amy Winehouse excuse...

1. Didn't have a caring mother like Dina Lohan to look out for her when she was young

-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/19/08)

Monday, June 16, 2008

FAMILY PACK OF BUDWEISER



Budweiser finally took my suggestion and came up with a Family Pack of beer! After all, the family that drinks together...um...stinks(?) together.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(6/16/08)

Friday, June 13, 2008

TOP TEN SURPRISES IN THE INCREDIBLE HULK SEQUEL

Top Ten Surprises in The Incredible Hulk Sequel

10. Hulk Gay!

9. Will eventually run for governor of California

8. Purina Hulk Chow really just steroids, crystal meth, and FD&C Green No. 3

7. Dr. Bruce Banner is an OB/GYN

6. Takes on his biggest challenge yet: getting God back into our public schools

5. Doesn't like it when She-Hulk clams up and won't tell him what's wrong

4. Huge NASCAR fan

3. Hulk actually very credible

2. Fave Spice Girl: AAARRrrrrrgh! (Sporty)

And the number one surprise in The Incredible Hulk sequel...

1. Now when threatened, Bruce Banner just sends a strongly-worded letter

-Jason Rohrblogger
(6/13/08)

And the alternates...

Allergic to avocados
Does not type in all caps
Conflicted about Barrack Obama and Hillary Clinton
Enjoys knitting
Almost became a Scientologist in the 90's
Thinks Green Lantern is overrated
Once drank a Fume Blanc with Chateaubriand
Can't find flesh-colored Band-Aids
Is overcompensating for a really small pee pee

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

TOP TEN BABY NAMES FOR BRAD AND ANGELINA'S TWINS

Top Ten Baby Names for Brad and Angelina's Twins

10. Bo and Luke

9. Arm and Peach Pitt

8. Rumor and Scout

7. Joanie and Jody Joli

6. Trixiebelle and Sparkle

5. Mary-Kate and Ashley Jolison

4. Faith and Hope

3. Bud and Weiser

2. Minnesota and Olson

And the number one (set of) baby names for Brad and Angelina's twins...

1. Bonnie and Clyde

-Jason Rohrblogger
(6/10/08)

And the alternates...

Amber Crystal and Pearl Ruby
Harmony and Melody
Ethan and Allen
Conway and Twitty
Sturm and Drang
Batman and Robbin
Raine and Storm
Luke and Leah
Billie and Jean
Reagan and Kennedy
Mona and Lisa
Chip and Dale
Ken and Barbie
Luke and Laura
Harry and Hermione

Saturday, June 07, 2008

TOP TEN SURPRISES IN SCOTT MCLELLAN'S BOOK ABOUT THE WHITE HOUSE

Top Ten Surprises in Scott McClellan's Book about the White House

10. Bush almost appointed Jack Daniels to the Supreme Court

9. Cheney once accidentally water boarded an attorney in the face

8. Secret nucular launch code is 12345

7. Barbara Walters had an affair with married U.S. Senator Edward Brooke

6. Supreme Allied Commander Tommy Franks? Gay as a mink stole

5. Condoleezza Rice is totally 420 friendly

4. If Belgium doesn't watch it, they're next

3. Harold and Kumar are still being held in Guantánamo Bay

2. Rumsfeld just wants to be held

And the number one surprise in Scott McClellan's book about the White House...

1. Bush didn't want to go to war in Iraq, but Powell made him do it

-Jason Rohrblogger
(6/7/08)

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

BAD BREAKUP

Bad Breakup

Dear Kenneth Cole,

Ken! Ken, Kenny, what can I say? We've had a great run. It's not me, it's you.

Let me start by mentioning how attractive you are. I'm not lying when I say your stuff looks great...on the shelf. I'll admit that's what drew me to you. Nice shelves. Sure you were overpriced, but what hottie isn't? I didn't mind paying full pop at first to be associated with such a glamorous metrosexual.

But you turned out to be an attractive nuisance. It started off slowly: remember the shirts? Granted, that first one was my fault. It was dry-clean only and I washed it. I'm not blameless here. I can be a Neanderthal bachelor at times. But what about the rest of your shirts that fell apart on me soon after wearing? Some of them even BEFORE the dry cleaning? Is the shredded thread Hulk look in this season?

I know competent sweatshop labor is hard to find in this global economy, but why are you charging me the cost of a tank of premium(!) for a garment held together with wishes and dreams?

Then it was the cruel shoes. No! Let me talk! No, I am not done!

The salesman at Macy's men's department said those shoes were "fashion forward." And did they ever look great. The bad news? They were as comfortable as a cell in Guantánamo Bay. The good news? They didn't last long enough to cause permanent damage.

Hey, in your defense, you're not Birkenstock here. You don't advertise your clothes to be worn by humans, only models. Fair enough. My mistake.

You only have one other line of products. Still flush with naïvité I gave one of your sublime briefcases a try. I shelled out a month's rent for a black beauty at your flagship store at the Third Street Promenade in Santa Monica. This was no outlet shop back alley castoff.

Right away the hinge broke, but you took care of that. In less than two weeks, I had a brand new replacement in my hand mailed straight from New York. Co-workers marveled at my conspicuous sophistication. Then I went to see Ocean's 11 and noted that the bad guys carried the exact same briefcase. I knew there would be at least two more sequels, the briefcase looked that good.

Ah, but the sequel is never equal to the original, is it? My show pony briefcase suffered a disintegrated latch and all of the metal trim fell off of it. That was the beginning of the end for me. I can't go without any trim.

Mind you, IN THE MOVIES your briefcase stands up to being jackhandled by elaborate criminals penetrating secure casino vaults. In real life, your case can't even hold my paper TPS reports. I am not making this up. Your briefcase was defeated by paper. Not even legal briefs; just regular 8½ by 11 paper.

Imagine my relief when your well-dressed nose-ringed maître d'crap stated you have a lifetime warranty on your leather goods. Sweet! I hand over my trimless wonder.

Three weeks later I pick up my (formerly) beloved hand luggage. The failed latch was reattached with POP RIVETS that didn't even match the rest of the fasteners on the piece. And the missing trim was NAILED to the briefcase splitting the leather and wood. I think we both know who got nailed here.

Look, I'm not gonna lie. I've been wearing Donna Karan, too. Her stuff fits great and lasts forever. And another Cole; Cole Haan, has been sending e-mails.

I'm just one lone paper jockey who doesn't amount to a hill of beans in this retail world. You look so great, I'm sure there are plenty of younger, richer guys out there for you who haven't been burned yet.

But Old Ken Cole has one less jolly old soul. I've outgrown your games.

So...when I see you at the mall, or the men's department or the promenade, we don't have to pretend like nothing ever went down between us. We'll always have Ocean's 11.
But from now on I'll look and won't touch. You bruise too easily, and frankly, I can't afford it.

Have a great summer,

-Jason Rohrblogger
(6/4/08)

Sunday, June 01, 2008

TOP TEN REJECTED MARS LANDER EXPERIMENTS

Top Ten Rejected Mars Lander Experiments

10. Go out at night, eatin' cars. Eat Cadillacs, Lincolns too, Mercurys and Subarus

9. Test the effects of reduced atmosphere on a microwave burrito from 7-11

8. Come back to Disneyland and put Wall-E in a submission hold

7. Blow bong hits in Martian's faces

6. Destroy any native species encountered and replace their culture with MTV and Starbucks

5. Call Dominoes. Try to get a pizza in 30-minutes or less

4. Eat a bag of Pop Rocks and drink a Coke at the same time

3. Claim the entire planet for Queen Isabella of Spain

2. Mine the substrate for any Mars bars

And the number one rejected Mars lander experiment...

1. c0d3 411 +r4N5M15510n5 b4Ck 2 34r+h n 1337 5P34k

-Jason Rohrblogger
(6/1/08)

And the alternates...

Head to Martian Jiffy Lube for three-million mile oil change
Finally make it into R2-D2's top eight on MySpace
Calculate the odds of getting off that godforsaken rock
Unpack the boxes, forward the mail, find nearest Synagogue
Sit back, pop a can of WD-40, and relax
Try to find underground three-chested babes depicted in Total Recall
Switch to metric system
Start speaking in a stilted Martian accent, adopt a child from Malawi
Drive around taking random pictures of rocks
Write hilarious Top Ten List blog

Thursday, May 01, 2008

ROHRBLOGGER OUT

Rohrblogger out

My landlord discovered the basement where I have been keeping my underage polygamous family underground for the last twenty-four years. That's not the problem, though. It's also the same basement where I grow poppies and train my Mujahedeen brothers.

Needless to say, I am in the midst of moving and won't have internet access for awhile.

Enjoy my lovely archives, won't you?

Allahu Akbar!

-Jason Rohrblogger
(05/01/08)

Monday, April 28, 2008

TOP TEN RAP OPERAS

Top Ten Rap Operas

10. Pimpmalion

9. Get Rich or Die Tristan und Isolde

8. Mah Ho Go Knee

7. Red Manon

6. The Fairy-Queen Latifah

5. Le Villi Manilli

4. Snoop Doggerdämmerung

3. Bone Thugs-N-Gianni Schicchi

2. Wagner's Ho n' Grin

And the number one rap opera...

1. Grandmaster Flash and Die Furious Fledermaus

-Jason Rohrblogger
(04/15/08)

And the alternates...

Aida Bambaata
La Bohèminem
Porgy D and the Bess
Salome-n-Pepa
The Mystikal Affair
Stiffeli-Ol' Dirty Bastard
The Mary Jane Widow
Doktor Dre
2Pagliacci
Mos Defaustus
Carmen Elektra
C-Lotello
Destiny Child
50 Cent and Threepenny Hip Hopera
L'il Kimadama Butterfly
Beasty Babes in Toyland
Die Ghostface Walküre
The Barber of Shakur
Run DMCandide
Falstaff'll Make You Jump Jump
The Marriage of Figaro and the Funky Bunch