Tuesday, September 30, 2008


Bad Break Up Deux

Dear Wells Fargo Bank,

You've known this was coming before I did. We've had a good, long run: 28 years.

I was eleven when my mother brought me down to open a savings account with you. What made you so attractive is that you are everywhere. Just like a bad girl, you get around. Every street corner, grocery store, and shopping mall.

It hasn't all been deposits and sunshine. I'm a lazy, lazy man and switching banks is a pain in my lazy, lazy derrière. So I put up with your crazy fees, refusal to return my checks, incessant charges to talk with a teller, and endless hold times. Because, hey, after 28 years I think I can still make this work.

The end came when I had to deposit a check. That's all. I wanted to GIVE YOU MONEY. A lot of it, because I was MAKING A DOWN PAYMENT ON A HOME. Since you charge me to go to a teller, I went to one of your automated teller machines, like I have done thousands of times.

Los Angeles has the highest level of fraud with the possible exception of Wall Street. We are, after all, a Pacific Rim border town. So I wasn't surprised when you returned my check with a request to go in-person to deposit it with a teller. So far you are being picky, but reasonable. And besides, I've missed our face-to-face time.

Here's the problem though, Wells. What can I do if the TELLER refuses my deposit? She looked at my check like I just handed her a dead rat. She called for a supervisor who scowled and said she was going to put a "90-day hold" on the check, "send it to collections," and charge me a "$150.00 fee for processing" it. I am not making this up.

So I call your phone center and tell them what happened. I ask if I can deposit the check over the phone. The nice supervisor at the call center stated, because of the amount, I would have to deposit it in-person at a branch. When I gently informed her that the branch manager was going to charge me $150.00 and a 90-day hold for GIVING YOU MONEY she stated it was the "manager's discretion" whether or not to take a deposit. Fair enough. So, how can I deposit this?

I was told I can drive around from branch to branch attempting to deposit my check but there are no guarantees that any branch will take it. I am not making this up.

Look, Wells, I am not a criminal. But I don't expect you to take my word for it. I expect you to look at the bank account I've had with you forever. You know where I live, you know where I work, YOU'VE EXTENDED ME LINES OF CREDIT FAR BEYOND THE DEPOSIT I WAS MAKING.

So why are you treating me like a SPAM e-mail from Nigeria?

Speaking of working (a concept you are apparently not familiar with) I have a day job. I can't be driving from branch to branch in the hopes that one of your managers will decide to kiss me first.

So it's not me, it's you.

Look Wells, you're huge now. Huge, bloated, no longer relevant. You are Orson Wells Fargo. And like Orson Welles your best work came early and then degenerated into magnificent ambiguity. The Magnificent Ambiguities. With a higher churn rate than an Amish dairy.

I went to one of the smallest banks there is and they immediately opened a checking account for me that EARNS INTEREST and cashed my large check. Apparently small banks like large deposits. From strangers who just walked in. Sure they only have one location, but they like me for who I am. A non-fraud committing customer who gives them money.

So I'll see you around on the street corner, the grocery store and the shopping mall. But I won't see you at the bank.

For once smaller is better. Good luck with the bail outs...

-Jason Rohrblogger


Atomic Bombshell said...

Oh, you see... You should have come to me. I have connections. The Ninja works for Wells. They are actually one of the only banks that will fairly easily survive all this nonsense. Most Credit Unions are doing pretty well also. I'm sorry you had all that crazy trouble.

Jason Rohrblogger said...

Damn! I didn't even think of releasing secret Ninja assassins against them! What other cool secret weapons do you possess? Sharks with laser beams? I totally have some water borne targets, too!

ken said...

Orson Wells Fargo. Love it! I am still with WF, but I'll give 'em the finger on the ATM-cam on your behalf the next time I make a withdrawal.