Tuesday, July 31, 2007

TOP TEN CHUCK NORRIS FAVES OF ALL TIME

Chuck Norris is BADASS!

Top Ten Chuck Norris Faves of All Time

10. Fave beef? Ground chuck

9. Fave post-drinking activity? Upchuck

8. Fave transport? Chuck wagon

7. Fave salsa? Chucky-style

6. Fave pizza? Chuck E. Cheese

5. Fave shoe? Chuck Taylor's All Stars

4. Fave snack? Potato chucks

3. Fave author? Chuck Palahniuk

2. Fave football pass? Chuck it

And the number one Chuck Norris fave of all time...

1. Fave music? Bowm chuck-a wow wow...

-Jason Rohrblogger
(07/31/07)

And the alternates...

Fave weapon? Nunchucks
Fave movie? I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry
Fave musician? Chuck Berry
Fave evil doll? Chucky
Fave drink/astronaut? Chuck Yeager-meister

Saturday, July 28, 2007

RECYCLED INTERNET FUNNY

Recycled Internet Funny

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT...

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them?

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue "1".

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?

ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!

ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.

COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.

COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

A FEW DAYS LATER...

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START"...


-Jason Rohrblogger
(07/27/07)

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

TOP TEN REJECTED BENEFITS

Top Ten Rejected Benefits

10. Formula 401(k)

9. Medical/Dental Dam

8. Long Term Invisibility

7. Rock Options

6. Flex Crime

5. Accidental Death and Dismembers Only

4. Heat, Vision, and Jack

3. Strife Insurance

2. Credit Onion

And the number on rejected benefit...

1. Paid Dick Leave

-Jason Rohrblogger
(07/24/07)

And the alternates...

Expanse Account
Philips HeartStart Home Defibrillator

Saturday, July 21, 2007

TOP TEN PRECIOUS PET NAMES MY GIRLFRIEND CALLS ME WHEN I AM DRUNK

Top Ten Precious Pet Names My Girlfriend Calls Me when I am Drunk

10. Firecrotch

9. Crazy Legs

8. Hitachi Magic Hand

7. Binkymaster

6. Ahh, Barracuda!

5. Pukey the Wonder Spew

4. F**king A**hole!

3. Li'l Jasey Blunder

2. Generalissimo Banko

And the number one precious pet name my girlfriend calls me when I am drunk...

1. Sir Snores-a-lot

-Jason Rohrblogger
(07/21/07)

And the alternates...

Tipsy Russell
Projectile Vomit Comet

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

TOP TEN SIGNS I AM NOT GOING TO MAKE IT THROUGH THE DAY AT WORK

Top Ten Signs I Am not Going to Make it through the Day at Work

10. It's only 8:30AM and my gallon of gin is bone dry

9. I referred to my boss as "Sugar Tits" ...as I introduced him at the annual shareholder's meeting

8. What happened in Vegas, stayed in Vegas, along with my company car, company checkbook, clothes, and dignity

7. My January 1st, 2034 retirement party has been rescheduled for the break room at noon today

6. Managed to e-mail my "MILFhunter: Mature Accountants Gone Wild" home video to the entire corporate listserv

5. Assistant advised me that my building-access card has been canceled until I remove my "THUG 4 LYFE" forehead tattoo

4. I've been cited as the sole reason that stock in Pepsi has doubled. And I work for Coke. Well, I work for cocaine, anyway...

3. I blew chow for an hour in the bathroom at work

2. Chow is our new Sushi chef

And the number one sign I'm not going to make it through the day at work...

1. Wearing only a smile, I greeted my new intern with "Does my prostate feel swollen to you?"

-Jason Rohrblogger
(07/18/07)

And the alternates...

I demanded the new Safety Committee be staffed only by hairless Guatemalan boys

I've released Paris Hilton early, sprung Lindsey Lohan from rehab, pardoned Scooter Libby, and invaded Iraq

The FBI finally figured out my secret identity as Peligro! Masked Swordsman of the People!

Sunday, July 15, 2007

TOP TEN LESSER KNOWN DIRTY WORDS THAT SOUND LIKE FOOD BUT AREN'T

Top Ten Lesser Known Dirty Words that Sound Like Food but Aren't

10. Chocolate Starfish

9. Hot Lunch

8. Packed Fudge

7. Chili Dog

6. Tea Bag

5. Alabama Hot Pocket

4. Blumpkin

3. Boston Pancake

2. Hot Apple Pie

And the number one lesser known dirty word that sounds like food but isn't...

1. Strawberry Shortcake

For definitions of the above terms please see Urban Dictionary.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(07/15/07)

Thursday, July 12, 2007

TOP TEN FOODS THAT SOUND DIRTY BUT AREN'T

Top Ten Foods that Sound Dirty but Aren't

10. Spotted Dick

9. Kumquat

8. Creme Filling

7. Sticky Buns

6. Blow Pops

5. All-Day Sucker

4. Tang

3. Casaba Melons

2. Weiner

And the number one food that sounds dirty but isn't...

1. Fluffer Nutter

-Jason Rohrblogger
(07/11/07)

And the alternates...

Hot Pockets
Baked Clam
Nut Log
Pop Rocks
Taco

Monday, July 09, 2007

TOP TEN HARRY POTTER PORN MOVIE TITLES

Top Ten Harry Potter Porn Movie Titles

10. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Passionate Surrender

9. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Bone

8. Hairy Pot, Her

7. Nearly Headless Dick

6. Muggles n' Snuggles

5. Harry Potter and the Lost Virginity

4. Hermione Does Des Moines

3. Cornelius Fudge Packer

2. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

And the number one Harry Potter porn movie title...

1. Harry Potter II: The Wrath of Cock

-Jason Rohrblogger
(07/09/07)

And the alternates...

Professor McGonad-gall
Erectus Humungous

Friday, July 06, 2007

TOP TEN SIGNS JASON'S SUMMER VACATION ROCKED

Top Ten Signs Jason's Summer Vacation Rocked

10. Still emitting the subtle scent of tequila and NyQuil

9. Returned with a full-size Rottweiler back tattoo

8. Sacrificed my right flipflop to the Angry Boulder Daemon

7. Lost my virginity. In New Jersey.

6. Found God...in New Jersey

5. Somehow got banned from New Jersey

4. Became Paris Hilton's prison bitch

3. Still can't feel my legs

2. Now I look like Danny DeVito and smell like Matthew McConaughey

And the number one sign Jason's summer vacation rocked...

1. I believe I can fly. I believe I can touch the sky.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(07/06/07)

And the alternates...

Last 50 pictures on my memory card depict the ground, the sky, my finger, or the inside of my lens cap
Finally convinced that the children are our future
National Lampoon bought the rights to my summer vacation