Saturday, September 29, 2007

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU WORK IN A BAD OFFICE

Top Ten Signs You Work in a Bad Office

10. 401K statements look suspiciously like lottery tickets

9. Three words: clothing-optional Fridays

8. Daycare facilities provided by Neverland Ranch Child Services

7. Steady flow of co-workers leaving to take jobs at local suppository testing lab

6. Office holiday party entertainment: Vanilla Ice

5. Sensitivity training seminars involve fishnet stockings and a riding crop

4. Male employees favor spiked collars in lieu of ties

3. In a cost-cutting move, management replaces your computer monitor with an Etch-a-Sketch

2. Hammocks strung from cubicles so commuting doesn't cut into overtime

And the number one sign you work in a bad office...

1. Company president is on a first-name basis with the reporters from "60 Minutes"

-Jason Rohrblogger and Ken Bloggerts
(04/02/05)

And the alternates...

Floating holidays have to actually be taken on a boat
The head stylist is Kenneth Lay and the head accountant is Martha Stewart
Fine coffee normally served is replaced with crack cocaine
Each floor has a Twelve-Jumpers-or-Less express window
Fax machine is really just a homeless guy making drunken modem noises
Boss always insisting you "get a haircut" and you are bald
Can't get that "old man smell" out of the boardroom
IT Department just upgraded to smoke signals and cave paintings
The only perks are coming from the coffee machine
Office pool covers who will get the next intern pregnant
All members of office softball team test positive for steroids, beer, and herpes
Women's restroom has a silver pole and coconut body spray
"Mad Dog" from HR tattoos your performance review to your forehead
Boss seeking internal candidates to fill "Assistant Crack Whore" position
Time clocks used to access rest rooms
Company president always wearing strange-looking ankle bracelet

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

TOP TEN BREAKFAST CEREALS IN IRAQ

Top Ten Breakfast Cereals in Iraq

10. Blasted Mini-Wheats

9. Count Burkhula

8. Rear Admiral Crunch

7. Goat Flakes

6. Special A-K

5. Sugar Corn Sand

4. Weapons of Ass Destruction

3. Kellogg's Bran & Root

2. Ricin Krispies

And the number one breakfast cereal in Iraq...

1. Shredded Wheat 'n Credibility

-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/06/04)

And the alternates...

Kern'l Crunch
Rocket Propelled Granola
Kicks
10-to-Life Cereal
Nut'n Funny
Total...Destruction
Spider Holies
Hostage Berries
Ricin Bran
Baghdadios
Kurds 'n' Honey
Tony the Tigris
Hans Trix
Blix Chex
Meusli-potamia
Hans MeusBlix
Allahu Akberry
Cocoa Bombs
Sand Lice Krispies

Sunday, September 23, 2007

TOP TEN REJECTED TALIBAN DOOMSDAY DEVICES

Top Ten Rejected Taliban Doomsday Devices

10. Whimsical Mohammed-shaped Jell-O mold full 'o plague

9. Goat with bad gas and a match

8. Crop duster filled with Mariah Carey CD's

7. Sneak up behind NFL Coach Bill Belichick. Dump cold bucket of anthrax on his head at end of fourth quarter.

6. Field Islamic fundamentalist boy band, *N Laden

5. Replace president of the United States with Folger's Crystals. See if anyone notices

4. Bomb a Kathy Lee Gifford concert

3. Hijack Oprah Winfrey. Force book club to read Koran.

2. Character-assassinate beloved American sports hero O.J. Simpson

And the number one rejected Taliban doomsday device...

1. Give Taliban spokesman Mohammed Mujahara own late night talk show on Al Jazeera network. Watch with glee as Conan O'Brien ratings plummet.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(09/25/01)

Ah la la la la la la la la la la la la la

Thursday, September 20, 2007

TOP TEN OSAMA BIN LADEN TURN-ONS

Top Ten Osama Bin Laden Turn-ons

10. A woman with high mountains and deep, deep caves

9. The smell of Anthrax in the morning

8. Nearsighted pilots

7. Wives three through six

6. Collateral damage

5. Polka night at the mosque

4. Naughty Bedouins who need discipline

3. A warm Afghan on a cold Sunday morning

2. Full frontally exposed embassies

And the number one Osama Bin Laden turn-on...

1. When the B-52's buzz his love shack

-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/10/02)

Monday, September 17, 2007

TOP TEN THINGS THAT ARE GOOD

Top Ten Things that Are Good

10. Steak

9. Guns n' Roses

8. Competition in a free market

7. The Daily Show

6. Finding twenty bucks in an old pair of jeans

5. Kate Winslet

4. E-mail

3. Booze

2. Movies

And the number one thing that is good...

1. Boobs

-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/19/07)

Friday, September 14, 2007

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH JASON

Top Ten Signs You Are in Love with Jason

10. You ask, "How do I love thee? Let me count the ways." But you only list the top ten.

9. Your twin girls are named Rohrie and Jasina.

8. You leave a trail of chicken wings and whiskey from your front door to your boudoir.

7. You find yourself wrecking two or three cars a day.

6. You are exhausted, and your hands are sore...from a hot night of e-mail.

5. You legally change your sign to Pisces.

4. You believe his lame jokes are filled with secret messages for you.

3. Your answering machine announces: "If this is Jason calling, stay on the line until I can get home and pick up the phone!"

2. You put posters of him right up over your old posters of Andy Dick.

And the number one sign you are in love with Jason...

1. Favorite Spice Girl? Jason.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(01/18/99)

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

TOP TEN AMERICAN MOVIES

Top Ten American Movies

10. Pie

9. Gigolo

8. Gangster

7. Me

6. Splendor

5. Beauty

4. Graffiti

3. History X

2. Psycho

And the number one American movie...

1. Werewolf in London

-Jason Rohrblogger
(09/11/07)

And the alternates...

President
Tail

Saturday, September 08, 2007

TOP TEN BARS IN IRAQ

Top Ten Bars in Iraq

10. The Crator

9. I Can't Believe It's Not Liquor

8. Bobby McKurd's

7. The Gas Factory

6. Molotov's

5. Ankles (Formerly Hooters)

4. Carlos Muhammad's

3. Bedouin Bootleg Booze Bunker

2. The Camel's Hump

And the number one bar in Iraq...

1. Bombed In Baghdad

-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/17/98)

And the alternate...

IEDFriday's

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

TALIBAN STARTER KIT

Taliban Starter Kit
So you say you want a Revolution?
Avoid these common mistakes on your road to Hell...

YOU WORSHIP:
GOOD: Allah
BETTER: Hitler
BAD: Bill Gates

YOUR SECT:
GOOD: Sunni
BETTER: Shi'ite
BAD: Webelo

YOUR GOAL:
GOOD: Punish infidels
BETTER: Worldwide ethnic cleansing
BAD: Convert Paris Hilton to Islam

YOU WERE KICKED OUT OF:
GOOD: Prison
BETTER: Iraq
BAD: Weight Watchers

YOU ARE ANGERED BY:
GOOD: Occupation of Palestine
BETTER: Endemic marginalization of Muslim values
BAD: John Travolta's last three movies

YOU WENT TO SCHOOL AT:
GOOD: University of Cairo
BETTER: Riyadh Seminary
BAD: UC Humboldt

YOUR WORK HAS BEEN PRAISED BY:
GOOD: Carlos the Jackal
BETTER: Kim Jong-il
BAD: Ebert & Roeper

YOU WANT TO LIBERATE:
GOOD: Mecca
BETTER: Palestine
BAD: Jenna Bush

YOUR CADRE:
GOOD: Mujahideen
BETTER: Hezbollah
BAD: Ayatollah of Rock 'n Rollah

YOU EAT:
GOOD: Wild mountain goat
BETTER: The flesh of your ememies
BAD: Wasabi salmon en croute avec beurre blanc

YOU WANT TO LIVE:
GOOD: Hiding in the caves of Afghanistan
BETTER: Fighting along side your Mujahideen brothers
BAD: Adrble 2+2 crftsmn charmer w/ grt vu

YOU WANT TO DIE:
GOOD: With a handful of Cyanide in a burned-out bunker
BETTER: In a hail of U.S. missile fire
BAD: At the Chateau Marmont under a pile of coke and hookers

-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/15/01)

Sunday, September 02, 2007

TOP TEN REJECTED MOB NICKNAMES

Top Ten Rejected Mob Nicknames

10. Marco "Trixiebelle Sparkle" Battaglia

9. Joseph "Halitosis" Toscano

8. Nicky "Nickyname" Bastoli

7. Pauly "Smells Like Teen Spirit" Brancato

6. Anthony "Tony Baloney" Provenza

5. Vincenzo "Panty Liner" Mastrozano

4. Frankie "Cap'n Crunch" Capicola

3. Salvatore "Dances with Wolves" Roselli

2. Snitchy "The Talker" Cooperatti

And the number one rejected mob nickname...

1. Jason "The Hack" Rohrblogger

-Jason Rohrblogger
(09/02/07)

And the alternates...

Louis "Asshat" Giannini
Cesare "Sissy Boy" Bianchi
Tommy "Sharquanda" Cielo
Jack "Small Penis" Milano
Don "Wingnut" Rumsfeld
Jimmy "Closeted Homosexual" Colucci
Sergio "Free Pass" Fulgencio
Al "Gender Reassignment" Gennaro
Benito "Insecure" Balducci
Henry "Number Three with a Diet Coke" Pescadero
Victor "Just Hold Me" Scarfo
Carmine "Silly Rabbit" Baratta