Sunday, December 31, 2006

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU PARTIED TOO HARD ON NEW YEAR'S EVE

Top Ten Signs You Partied Too Hard on New Year's Eve

10. You wake up January 5th. 2008. In bed. In a furniture showroom.

9. You are the lead item over at Celebrity Smack

8. Somehow you got forever banned from Nigeria

7. You wake up the next morning between Bea Arthur and Barbara Bush. And they both want you to run. For president.

6. You snorted more blow than Lindsey Lohan, and puked more than Nicole Richie

5. Your butthole hurts

4. You get hepatitis, your breast implants are missing, and you are married to Kid Rock. (Pamela Anderson only)

3. Your new forehead tattoo proclaims "2007 4 Eva, Bitches!"

2. Your private sex video ends up getting released. By Nickelodeon.

And the number one sign you partied too hard on New Year's Eve...

1. Your ball dropped

-Jason Rohrblogger & Noah Goodbloggie
(12/31/06)

Thursday, December 28, 2006

TOP TEN REJECTED GIRL SCOUT COOKIES

Top Ten Rejected Girl Scout Cookies

10. Phat Mints

9. Kinder Whoreos

8. Lemon Blingers

7. Hash Brownies

6. Ring-a-ding-dings

5. eCookies

4. Turds in a Blanket

3. JonBenetBerry

2. Vermouthies

And the number one rejected Girl Scout cookie...

1. Nilla Iced

-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/07/06)

And the alternates...

Thandy Newtons
Islamic Fun-a-mint-alist
Short ribs
Ghetto Crunk Surprise
Skirt Lifters
Flour Power
SaMenses
Mormon Bites
Sawdustios
Peanut Bitter
Oatmeal-o-lesters
Cocoa Freebase
Operating Thetan Sandies
Boutros Boutros-Lollies
Dizzouble Dizzutch

Friday, December 22, 2006

TOP TEN REINDEER PET PEEVES

Top Ten Reindeer Pet Peeves

10. Naughty List weighs 2.3 metric tons this year

9. Mrs. Claus' Jerkyworks & Glue Factory

8. Depletion of their natural habitat, the reinforest

7. Rudolph's nose always draws RPG fire during stops in Fallujah

6. Dasher won't break up with that girlfriend nobody can stand

5. Purina Reindeer Chow mostly sawdust and apple cores

4. Easter Bunny always leaves floating clot of hair in the Jacuzzi

3. The way Santa insists on riding an alligator through New Orleans

2. Dancer swears Elton John wrote that song about him

And the number one reindeer pet peeve...

1. Nobody ran over grandma. She tripped and fell with a blood-eggnog level of 1.1. It's all there in the police report

-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/29/06)

And the alternates...

Donner won't fly on the Sabbath
Overnight stops at the Mustang Ranch
Sleigh bells that chafe
Blitzen always blitzed
Santa won't do Slim Fast, Atkins, or gastric bypass
Prancer's lisp

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

TOP TEN CHRISTMAS RAP SONGS

Top Ten Christmas Rap Songs

10. Violent Night

9. I'm Dreaming of a White Mistress

8. Chestnuts Roasting as I Open Fire

7. What Child is This? He Ain't Mine!

6. Deck the Ho's

5. Frosty the Dopeman

4. Police Navidad

3. Slay, Ride

2. We Three Martin Luther Kings

And the number one Christmas rap song...

1. I Saw Mama Dissing Santa Claus

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/19/06)

And the alternates...

Over the River and Through the Hood
Jingle Bell Crack
It Crunked Upon a Midnight Clear
O Stoli Night
As Frosty as They Wanna Be

Saturday, December 16, 2006

TOP EIGHT REJECTED MAGIC 8 BALL PREDICTIONS

Top Eight Rejected Magic 8 Ball Predictions

8. Shut up, quit asking

7. Ah, Jesus, not this again...no you can't have a pony. Where would we put it?

6. All signs point to Mecca

5. The cease and desist letter will arrive soon

4. Yes, yes, oh YESSS!! Uh, yessss! Mmmmm! Right there! Yes!

3. You can't handle the truth

2. There's e-coli in your taco

And the number one rejected Magic 8 Ball prediction...

1. You are about to get a Magic 8 Ball in your Magic 8 Hole

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/16/06)

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

YUMMY SUSHI MEME

I stole this from Yummy Sushi Pajamas...

1. Is there anybody you just wish would fall off the face of the earth?
-Paris Hilton, Kevin Federline, JonBenet Ramsey (Oh, wait, she's already gone...)

2. How do you flush the toilet in public?
-With my silent Ninja flushing skills

3. Do you wear your seatbelt in the car?
-Yep

4. Do you have a crush on someone?
-Tinky Winky (He's winky, but he's not very tinky...)

5. Name one thing that you start to get tense about if you are close to running out of it:
-Heroin

6. What famous person do you (or other people) think you resemble?
-Brad Pitt, Leonardo DiCaprio, Danny DeVito

7. What is your favorite pizza topping?
-Cardboard box

8. Do you crack your knuckles?
-I also knuckle some cracks

9. What song do you hate the most when it gets stuck in your head?
-Kanon und Gigue in D-Dur für drei Violinen und Basso Continuo

10. Did just mentioning that song make it get stuck in your head?
-No, but I’m sure it will be later

11. What are your super powers?
-MegaSleep, Awkwardly Hit on Coworkers, Transform any Alcohol into Urine

12. Peppermint or spearmint?
-Punishmint

13. Where are your car keys?
-In the Lake of Fire inside Mount Doom

14. Whose answers to this questionnaire do you want to hear?
-Kevin Bacon

15. What's your most annoying habit?
-Picking other people's noses

16. Where did you last go on vacation?
-Beirut

17. If you could punch one person in the nose and get away with it, who would it be?
-Ryan Seacrest

18. What is your best physical feature?
-My left thumbnail

19. What CD is closest to you right now?
-"Learn Latin the Franciscan Way!"

20. What 3 things can always be found in your refrigerator?
-Cold air, moisture, lightbulb

21. What superstition do you believe in/practice?
-Lock the door twice, turn off the stove three times, touch all four corners of the room

22. What color are your bed sheets?
-Clear

23. Would you rather be a fish or a bird?
-In England I'd rather be a bird. In prison I'd rather be a fish

24. Do you talk on your cell phone when you drive?
-Oh yeah

25. What are your favorite sayings?
-"I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet cold sores that last for three days."

26. What song(s) do you sing most often in the shower?
-White and Nerdy

27. If you could go back or forward in time, would you and where would you go?
-I would jump forward to the day I get out of prison

28. What is your favorite Harrison Ford movie?
-That one where he plays the tough-but-lovable rogue who mentors the kid and falls for the girl

29. What CD is in your stereo?
-"Too Shy" cassingle by Kajagoogoo

30. What CD will be in your stereo in a few minutes?
-"Forget Latin with Ludacris!"

31. How many kids do you plan on having?
-Whatever the DNA tests tell the court

32. If you could kiss anyone who would it be?
-Don Corleone

33. Would you really want to kiss someone you didn't know, even if they are famous?
-Um, where do I have to kiss them?

34. If they made a movie about your life, what actor/actress would be the best for this job?
-Mike Tyson, making his big screen breakout debut performance in "Rohrblogger! The Musical!"

35. Would you rather die in a blaze of glory or peacefully in your sleep?
-In a blaze of peaceful, glorious sleep

36. Ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?
-I've danced with yer mom in the pale moonlight

37. Coffee or tea?
-Precious, life-giving, Diet Coke

38. Favorite musician(s)/bands you've seen in concert?
-Merrill Osmond and Art Garfunkle Live at the Charlie Pride Olde Tyme Theatre in Branson, MO

39. Have you ever been in love?
-Twice

40. Do you talk to yourself?
-Maybe

41. Have you ever started to fill out a survey and then thought "this is stupid" and stop without finishing it?
-

42.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

TOP TEN THINGS I WAS THINKING

Top Ten Things I Was Thinking

10. Grandma wouldn't notice

9. Britney's gonna start with the phone calls and emails again soon

8. That the Zoning Board wouldn't be a bunch of Fascist Municipal Overlords raining down codified death on personal structural expression

7. The kids will thank me later

6. Bush won't have any trouble proving North Korea has weapons of mass destruction since they showed that to the world already

5. Lemonade is nice

4. Guns n' Roses rocks beyond all bands who have ever rocked in the history of rhythmic sound

3. Whatever happened to that kid from 10th grade church youth group that was really into working out?

2. The wind can't possibly pick that up and start a fire

And the number one thing I was thinking...

1. I know what that Kate Winslet needs

-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/11/06)

And the alternates...

No, really, who let the dogs out?
Is that a pistol in your pocket?
Too soon?
Where have all the flowers gone?
Is this funny?

Monday, December 04, 2006

TOP TEN NEW WAYS TO SELL JESUS

Top Ten New Ways to Sell Jesus

10. As cool lifestyle

9. As fuel for busy executives

8. As lastest blog craze

7. As IT solution

6. As political pundit

5. Bundled with fries and a drink

4. As choice of a new generation

3. As full-flavor with half the tar and nicotine, zero carbs, and fat free

2. As alternative to Windows Vista™

And the number one new way to sell Jesus...

1. As ancient Jewish carpenter with something to say about modern life

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/04/06)

And the alternate...

As 24-hour alternative to Denny's

Friday, December 01, 2006

TOP TEN OTHER THINGS THAT KELLIS' MILKSHAKE BRINGS TO THE YARD ACCORDING TO MY RHYMING DICTIONARY

Top Ten Other Things That Kellis' Milkshake Brings to the Yard According to My Rhyming Dictionary

10. Toys

9. Myrna Loy

8. Hoi Polloi

7. Moishe

6. Freud

5. Joy

4. Goyim

3. Ploys

2. Soy

And the number one thing that Kellis' milkshake brings to the yard according to my rhyming dictionary...

1. Koi

-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/18/06)

And the alternates...

Poi
Roy
Choy
Noise
Buoys
Moyles
St. Croix
Illinois
Poise
Troy
Decoys

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

THE MOST LIST

The Most List

Today's list was ripped off word-for-word from the December 2006 issue of Hollywood Life Magazine. Enjoy!

MOST ETERNALLY SEXY: Brad Pitt
MOST CAST: Scarlett Johansson
MOST LIKELY TO CALL IN "SICK": Lindsay Lohan
MOST IMPRESSIVE DOWNSIZING: Janet Jackson
MOST EXTREME DOWNSIZING: Kate Bosworth
MOST OBVIOUS NIP/TUCKING: Ashlee Simson
MOST DRAMA DURING FILMING: Miami Vice
MOST DRAMA BEFORE FILMING HAS EVEN BEGUN: Dallas
MOST INDEFATIGABLE: Eva Longoria
MOST UNLIKELY PAIRING: Heather Locklear and David Spade
MOST UNLIKELY BUT SURPRISINGLY ADORABLE PARING: Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy
MOST WAITING-TO-HAPPEN SEX TAPE LEAK: Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock
MOST IN NEED OF A GOOD DATE: Teri Hatcher
MOST IN NEED OF A DATE WITH SOMEONE HIS OWN AGE: Jared Leto
MOST IN NEED OF FUTURE THERAPY: Suri Cruise
MOST CHARISMATIC NEW ACTOR: Channing Tatum
MOST GAY ON THE COVER OF PEOPLE: Lance Bass
MOST STILL STUNNING AT 72: Sophia Loren
MOST DELICIOUSLY DEVIL-ISH: Meryl Streep
MOST SHAMED: Mel Gibson
MOST OVEREXPOSED ABS: Matthew McConaughey
MOST OBSESSED WITH HER HAIR STYLIST: Jessica Simpson
MOST COMPELLING EVIDENCE THAT MEN ARE DOGS: (Three-way tie) Peter Cook, Jude Law, Richie Sambora
MOST COMPELLING EVIDENCE THAT WOMEN CAN BE DOGS, TOO: Denise Richards
MOST COMFORTABLE IN BLACK AND WHITE: George Clooney
MOST LIKELY TO CONFUSE A BELT AND A BRA: Keira Knightley
MOST LOW-KEY COUPLE: Scarlett Johansson and Josh Hartnett
MOST OUT-OF-CONTROL DIVORCE: Paul and Heather Mills McCartney
MOST LIKELY TO BE MISTAKEN FOR A BOBBLEHEAD: (Tie) Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen
MOST WIGGA: Kevin Federline
MOST HAND-DOWN THE BEST SHOW ON TELEVISION: The Wire
MOST UNLIKELY CELEB TO HAVE ENDED UP A MOTHER OF THREE: Sharon Stone
MOST ADORABLE: Abigail Breslin
MOST UNDESERVING NEW IT GIRL: Kristin Cavillari
MOST DESERVING OF A WIDER AUDIENCE: Veronica Mars
MOST HAZARDOUS TO THE HELP: Naomi Campbell
MOST WORKAHOLIC: Beyoncé Knowles
MOST IN NEED OF A HUG: Sheryl Crow
MOST McCOMEBACK: Patrick Dempsey
MOST IRONIC TALENT SHOW JUDGE: David Hasselhoff
MOST DEF: Mos Def
MOST ENDEARING: America Ferrera in Ugly Betty
MOST NOT REALITY: MTV's The Hills
MOST LIKELY TO BE MIXED-UP MOVIE TITLES: The Good Shepherd and
The Good German
MOST LIKELY TO HAVE BROKEN UP BY THE TIME THIS IS PRINTED: Lindsey Lohan and Harry Morton
MOST WELCOME FIRING: Star Jones-Reynolds
MOST IRONIC FIRING: The Apprentice's Carolyn Kepcher
MOST MIRACULOUSLY STILL ALIVE: The Jackass guys
MOST LIKELY TO GIVE UP ON GIVING UP ON SEX FOR A YEAR: Paris Hilton
MOST LIKELY TO APPEAR ON THE SIDE OF A MILK CART0N: Natasha Lyonne
MOST UNEXPECTED HOOCHIE TRANSFORMATION: Nelly Furtado
MOST WEIRDLY FASCINATING: Big Love
MOST LIKELY TO BECOME THE NEXT JODY FOSTER: Dakota Fanning
MOST LOST: Viewers of Lost
MOST VIEWERS LOST: NBC
MOST HUBRIS: M. Night Shyamalan
MOST CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT: YouTube
MOST IN NEED OF A GOOD SCRIPT: Gwyneth Paltrow
MOST LOCO: Flavor Flav
MOST CHIPPER: Rachel Ray
MOST BANGIN' BEATS: Timbaland
MOST UNEXPECTED SEXUAL EUPHEMISM: "London Bridge"
MOST SOLO POTENTIAL: The Pussycat Dolls' Nicole Scherzinger
MOST UNLIKELY POSSE: Matthew McConaughey, Lance Armstrong and Jake Gyllenhaal
MOST ON THE VERGE: Emily Blunt
MOST GETTING THE LAST LAUGH: Jennifer Hudson

Saturday, November 25, 2006

TOP TEN TOPICS OF CONVERSATION AT MY COUSIN'S HOUSE ON ANY GIVEN HOLIDAY

Top Ten Topics of Conversation at My Cousin's House on Any Given Holiday

10. Whose house this is and how you'll act in it

9. Who put a roof over your head and how you'll behave as long as you're under it

8. Who is not here to win any popularity contests

7. Who is just plain ignorant

6. When this conversation is over

5. What is an argument and what is just a discussion

4. Whether Democrats or Republicans are closeted child-molesting homosexual Communists

3. Who is in charge here

2. How school is going

And the number one topic of conversation at my cousin's house on any given holiday...

1. Who has had more than enough to drink

-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/24/06)

And the alternate...

The weather

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

TOP TEN ACTUAL MENU ITEMS AND THEIR PRICES FROM LUXURY SUITE A-37 AT THE KINGS VS. COYOTES HOCKEY GAME AT STAPLES CENTER ON SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 18TH

Top Ten Actual Menu Items and Their Prices from Luxury Suite A-37 at the Kings vs. Coyotes Hockey Game at Staples Center on Saturday, November 18th 2006 in Los Angeles, California, I Am Not Making This Up

10. SNACK ATTACK - An assortment of great snacks including our snack mix, dry-roasted peanuts, mustard pretzels, cashews and kettle-style potato chips. $38.00

9. CASHEWS - $17.00 per basket

8. FRESHLY POPPED POPCORN - $13.00 per basket

7. SALSA SAMPLER - Crisp tortillas served with three fresh salsas: roasted tomato and chili, salsa fresca and pico de gallo. $38.00

6. SPICY CHICKEN WINGS - Everyone's favorite! Traditional Buffalo-style chicken wings served with blue cheese dressing. $119.50 Serves 10

5. CHILLED SHRIMP COCKTAIL - An American classic! Jumbo shrimp steamed, chilled and served with zesty cocktail and remoulade sauces with fresh cut lemons. $90.00 for 30 pieces

4. *STACKED TOMATOES WITH MOZZARELLA - Vine ripened yellow and red tomatoes layered with fresh mozzarella and basil, drizzled with balsamic reduction. $109.50 Serves 10

3. COSMOPOLITAN PITCHER - Cool, hip, refreshing iced pitcher blend of Ketel One Vodka, Zesty Cointreau and crisp cranberry juice. $55.00

2. BUBBLY - Dom Pérignon, Epernay, France $220.00

And the number one actual menu item and its price from luxury suite A-37 at the Kings vs. Coyotes hockey game at Staples Center on Saturday, November 18th 2006 in Los Angeles, California, I am not making this up....

1. SOFT DRINKS - Pepsi (six-pack) $13.50

-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/18/06)

And the alternate...

Tabasco Sauce - $4.00

*Denotes a Wolfgang Puck Signature Dish

Final score:
Los Angeles Kings: 5
Phoenix Coyotes: 3

Sunday, November 19, 2006

TOP TEN SURPRISES IN O.J. SIMPSON'S NEW BOOK

Top Ten Surprises in O.J. Simpson's New Book

10. Still loves his even-numbered wives

9. It is a tale of rock 'n' roll Babylon; a story of the evil men do told by the men themselves. Armed with eyeliners, guitars, and hypodermic needles, the men of Mötley Crüe got everything they ever wanted and then threw it all away

8. Contains recipes

7. Has an interesting beginning and gripping middle, but no satisfying end in sight

6. Vince Butler did it

5. Really takes the Bush administration to task for lying about the reasons we went to war

4. Killed JonBenet Ramsey, too

3. Really just wants to relax, play golf, and make three more "Naked Gun" movies

2. Heisman Trophy only brought in $25.71 on eBay

And the number one surprise in O.J. Simpson's new book...

1. Knows who the Real Killer is

-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/19/06)

Thursday, November 16, 2006

TOP TEN MISDIAGNOSES

Top Ten Misdiagnoses

10. Eye herpes

9. Conjoined triplets

8. Wear and tear

7. Elephantitis of the trunk

6. Viral video

5. Conjunctionitis

4. Warts and all

3. Lovely lady lumps

2. Hilaritosis

And the number one misdiagnosis...

1. Cancer of the infection

-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/03/06)

And the alternates...

Cool AIDS
Cirrhosis of the earlobe
Billy Ray Virus
Drunk again, naturally

Monday, November 13, 2006

TOP TEN FETISH PORN SITES IN THE YEAR 2090

Top Ten Fetish Porn Sites in the Year 2090

10. Robots Who Take It in the IEEE1394

9. Group Teleport Action

8. BuHockey

7. RILFs

6. Virtual Wife and Kids

5. Vintage Neverland 2004

4. Homegrown Linux Lesbians

3. Hot Senate Page-on-Page Action

2. College Girls Who Do It for Fuel Cells

And the number one fetish porn site in the year 2090...

1. Cylons in Nylons

-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/13/06)

And the alternates...

Brunette Building a Sybian
133t Haxor Pwned by Busty Fembot
Deep Blue Throat
ENIAC Maniacs
Chubby Mature Amateur Hardcore HTML Spread
Set Phasers on Orgasm
Thousands of Horny Asian Cars

Friday, November 10, 2006

SHOUT OUT

Shout Out

bONG over at Binary Cell Division has featured me nicely in one of his posts. Thanks for the blog love, bONG! Singapore roolz!

-Rohrblogger out!

TOP TEN REASONS KEVIN FEDERLINE IS LEAVING BRITNEY SPEARS

Top Ten Reasons Kevin Federline is Leaving Britney Spears

10. Only paid him for one round of sperm donation, not two

9. Hopes she won't find out about his meth-fueled forbidden love with evangelist Ted Haggard

8. Angelina Jolie won't stop calling

7. Even he is sick of his own rapping

6. The way she nags him when he comes home a little late from happy hour on a Friday night after a hard week of backup dancing

5. Thinks he can do better

4. Her cooking is so bad, he had to buy her an oven that flushes

3. Couldn't stay married to a woman who lives in a country where the Democrats have control of the House and Senate

2. She's refusing to upgrade the stereo in his Ferrari from cassette to CD

And the number one reason Kevin Federline is leaving Britney Spears...

1. He misses Shar and the kids

-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/10/06)

Saturday, November 04, 2006

TOP TEN LIES I TELL MYSELF

Top Ten Lies I Tell Myself

10. She will come around

9. The Grand Jury will come around

8. I only watch The Daily Show recreationally. I can quit at any time

7. That's not infected

6. The internet isn't just for porn. It's also a gateway, an information superhighway that blah blah blah

5. The Iraq war is winnable

4. The lottery is winnable

3. I am the car I drive

2. That horoscope was way off

And the number one lie I tell myself...

1. Nobody has had enough of silly love songs, top ten lists, or my blog

-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/04/06)

And the alternates...

The cat likes it when I do that
Disco doesn't suck
My attorney will call any time now
They can't smell that
Saturday Night Live is still funny
That shirt looks good
Eddie Van Halen and David Lee Roth will make up
I'm not in denial

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

TOP TEN STATES WITH UNUSUAL DRIVING LAWS

Today's list was stolen wholesale from DMV.org

Top Ten States with Unusual Driving Laws

10. Alabama
It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.
It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street as long as a lantern is attached to the front of your car.
Driving barefoot is illegal.

9. Alaska
It is illegal to tie a dog to the roof of your car.

8. California
It is illegal in San Francisco to buff or dry your car with used underwear.
No unoccupied vehicle may exceed 60 miles per hour.

7. Florida
If an elephant is tied to a parking meter, the owner or attendant must deposit money in the meter.

6. Georgia
State Assembly members are immune from being ticketed for speeding while the State Assembly is in session.
In Marietta, Georgia it is illegal to spit from a moving car or bus, but is okay from a moving truck.

5. Massachusetts
You will be ticketed if you drive with a gorilla in the backseat of your car.

4. Michigan
If you car breaks down in Detroit and you are waiting for assistance, be aware that sitting in the middle of the street to read a newspaper is illegal.

3. Minnesota
It is illegal to cross state lines, regardless if you are walking or driving, with a duck on your head. And, if you're crossing into Wisconsin, the law also applies to chickens.
You cannot ride a motorcycle without a shirt.

2. Montana
In Whitehall, Montana, vehicles are prohibited from driving with ice picks attached to the wheels.

And the number one state with an unusual driving law...

1. Nevada
It is illegal to drive a camel on the highway.

And the alternates...

New Jersey
Drivers are required to beep their car horns before passing another vehicle.
If convicted of driving while intoxicated, you permanently lose the option of registering for a vanity license plate.
Ohio
In Oxford, Ohio, authorities will ticket you if you consecutively drive around the town square more than 100 times.
Oklahoma
It is considered illegal to read a comic book while driving.
Oregon
You will be ticketed if you leave your car door open longer than is deemed necessary.
It is illegal to pump your own gas.
Tennessee
It is illegal to fire a gun at any wild game other than whales from a moving car.

Sunday, October 29, 2006

TOP TEN REJECTED HOROSCOPE PREDICTIONS

Top Ten Rejected Horoscope Predictions

10. In early January, Pisces, a Cancer will swim into your life and give you crabs.

9. Around December 13th or 14th Capricorns should give up all hope for living and put themselves out of everyone else's misery.

8. A large sum of money will come to balanced Libras, but only because someone they love has been terribly hurt.

7. Bullish Taurus will see two out of three stocks plummet into oblivion. One out of three stocks will skyrocket. The stars don't say which stocks, though.

6. The next week will introduce love to Aquarians, possibly with a Virgo or Scorpio. The relationship will end badly, scarring both partners for life.

5. Gemini: look for long lost relatives and old flames, while serving your time in prison.

4. The military draft hasn't been used in this country for almost 30 years. With Mars in your house of love, that's about to change for Sagittarians.

3. Self important Leo will soon see a pride of well deserved promotions and peer recognition, in Fallujah.

2. Run, Aries, run!

And the number one rejected horoscope prediction...

1. If you were born on this day, and you still believe in astrology, you are a pitiful idiot who needs professional help overcoming your deep seated and very-real-to-you delusions.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/13/98)

Thursday, October 26, 2006

TOP TEN WAYS TO LIVE GREENER

Note: Today's list was stolen wholesale from the last page of this month's Esquire magazine without permission of any kind whatsoever. It will stay up until the cease and desist letter arrives...

The Esquire Guide to Greener Living

10. Try heating your house using the palpable sexual tension between Matt Lauer and Meredith Vieira

9. When hosing down a pile of naked Iraqi prisoners, use a low-flow hose head

8. Lower your carbon-dioxide emissions by exhaling only once per minute

7. When you are reading at home, try replacing your lamp with a strobe light, which uses half as much energy

6. When shredding papers that implicate your company in a stock scandal, do it by hand

5. If you are the god of a monotheistic religion, try writing commandments on BOTH sides of the tablet

4. Remove Steel Magnolias and The Notebook from yourNetflix queue. Tears are a drain on our hydrologic cycle. Try Van Wilder or a Steve Martin/Queen Latifah comedy

3. If you are a prop comedian, make sure you smash organic, shade-grown watermelons

2. If you are in Lebanon, remember to turn off your engine rather than let it idle when firing Katyusha rockets

And the number one way to live greener...

1. Put down that pencil! Solve sudoku puzzles in your mind so others can use them after you

-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/26/06)

And the alternates...

Ladies: stop wasting fresh water in your liquid-filled breast implants. Eco-friendly alternatives include excess water from your sink sponge

If you plan to commit suicide with a hose hooked up to the tailpipe of your car, make sure there are no leaks. Duct tape works well.

Monday, October 23, 2006

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU ARE SENATOR MARK FOLEY

Note: Today's guest blogger is my cousin Darcy who writes...

Top Ten Signs You Are Senator Mark Foley

10. Your pages are bent over

9. Your best pages are laminated

8. You like some pages in slip covers

7. You like to 3-hole punch your pages

6. You shred the bad pages

5. You like to staple the pages together

4. You like to get stapled between two pages

3. You share your pages

2. You scribble all over your pages

And the number one sign you are Senator Mark Foley...

1. Sometimes you have to do the pages twice to understand them

-Darcy Royblogger
(10/23/06)

Saturday, October 14, 2006

TOP TEN PRODUCTS IN DEVELOPMENT AT HERSHEY

Top Ten Products in Development at Hershey

10. Aerosol nougat

9. Hershey Highway: a candy bar that passes faster than the Rocky Road.

8. A divorce cake

7. Hershey Squirt: chocolate flavored grapefruit soda

6. .38 Special Dark

5. Mrs. Goodbar: a candy bar that celebrates 30-year-old virgins

4. Carob flavored chocolate

3. A Cadbury Egg that dissolves your tongue

2. The Breakfast Bar: rich chocolate, creamy nougat, golden caramel, fried ham, and scrambled eggs

And the number one product in development at Hershey...

1. Krackle 100's: light up the chocolate taste of flavor country

-Jason Rohrblogger
(08/11/01)

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

THE "200 THINGS" LIST

The "200 things" list... (bold are things I've done)

1. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
2. Swam with wild dolphins (I've swam with porpoises)
3. Climbed a mountain
4. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive (A Viper)
5. Been inside the Great Pyramid
6. Held a tarantula
7. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
8. Said "I love you" and meant it

9. Hugged a tree
10. Done a striptease
11. Bungee jumped (From a hot air balloon!)
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm
14. Stayed up all night long, and watch the sun rise
15. Seen the Northern Lights
16. Gone to a huge sports game (The World Cup Soccer game at Soldier Field in Chicago)
17. Walked the stairs to the top of the Leaning Tower of Pisa (I've been to the Tower of Pisa. They don't let you climb it)
18. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
19. Touched an iceberg (I'm counting a glacier)
20. Slept under the stars
21. Changed a baby's diaper
22. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
23. Watched a meteor shower
24. Gotten drunk on champagne
25. Given more than you can afford to charity
26. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope

27. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
28. Had a food fight
29. Bet on a winning horse
30. Taken a sick day when you're not ill
31. Asked out a stranger
32. Had a snowball fight

33. Photocopied your bottom on the office photocopier (and was subsequently fired for it...)
34. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
35. Held a lamb
36. Enacted a favorite fantasy
37. Taken a midnight skinny dip
38. Taken an ice cold bath

39. Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar
40. Seen a total eclipse
41. Ridden a roller coaster
42. Hit a home run
43. Fit three weeks miraculously into three days
44. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking (Daily...)

45. Adopted an accent for an entire day
46. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
47. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
48. Had two hard drives for your computer.
49. Visited all 50 states
50. Loved your job for all accounts
51. Taken care of someone who was shit faced
52. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
53. Had amazing friends
54. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country (Does Yreka count?)

55. Watched wild whales
56. Stolen a sign
57. Backpacked in Europe
58. Taken a road-trip
59. Rock climbing
60. Lied to foreign government's official in that country to avoid notice
61. Midnight walk on the beach
62. Sky diving
63. Visited Ireland
64. Been heartbroken longer then you were actually in love
65. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
66. Visited Japan
67. Benchpressed your own weight
68. Milked a cow (and a goat)
69. Alphabetized your records
70. Pretended to be a superhero (What do you mean pretended?)
71. Sung karaoke
72. Lounged around in bed all day
73. Posed nude in front of strangers
74. Scuba diving
75. Got it on to "Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye (Last night...this morning...)
76. Kissed in the rain
77. Played in the mud
78. Played in the rain
79. Gone to a drive-in theater

80. Done something you should regret, but don't regret it
81. Visited the Great Wall of China
82. Discovered that someone who's not supposed to have known about your blog has discovered your blog
83. Dropped Windows in favor of something better
84. Started a business
85. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
86. Toured ancient sites
87. Taken a martial arts class
88. Swordfought for the honor of a woman
89. Played D&D for more than six hours straight
90. Gotten married
91. Been in a movie
92. Crashed a party
93. Loved someone you shouldn't have
94. Kissed someone so passionately it made them dizzy
95. Gotten divorced
96. Had sex at the office
97. Gone without food for 5 days
98. Made cookies from scratch
99. Won first prize in a costume contest
100. Ridden a gondola in Venice
101. Gotten a tattoo
102. Found that the texture of some materials can turn you on
103. Rafted the Snake River
104. Been on television news programs as an "expert"
105. Got flowers for no reason
106. Masturbated in a public place
107. Got so drunk you don't remember anything
108. Been addicted to some form of illegal drug
109. Performed on stage
110. Been to Las Vegas
111. Recorded music

112. Eaten shark
113. Had a one-night stand
114. Gone to Thailand
115. Seen Guns N' Roses live
116. Bought a house
117. Been in a combat zone
118. Buried one/both of your parents
119. Shaved or waxed your pubic hair off
120. Been on a cruise ship
121. Spoken more than one language fluently
122. Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone
123. Bounced a check
124. Performed in Rocky Horror
125. Read - and understood - your credit report
126. Raised children
127. Recently bought and played with a favorite childhood toy
128. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
129. Created and named your own constellation of stars
130. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
131. Found out something significant that your ancestors did
132. Called or written your Congress person
133. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
134. ...more than once? - More than thrice?
135. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
136. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking
137. Had an abortion or your female partner did
138. Had plastic surgery
139. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived.
140. Wrote articles for a large publication
141. Lost over 100 pounds
142. Held someone while they were having a flashback
143. Piloted an airplane
144. Petted a stingray
145. Broken someone's heart
146. Helped an animal give birth
147. Been fired or laid off from a job
148. Won money on a T.V. game show
149. Broken a bone
150. Killed a human being
151. Gone on an African photo safari
152. Ridden a motorcycle
153. Driven any land vehicle at a speed of greater than 100 mph
154. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced
155. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
156. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild

157. Ridden a horse
158. Had major surgery
159. Had sex on a moving train
160. Had a snake as a pet
161. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
162. Slept through an entire flight: takeoff, flight, and landing
163. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
164. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
165. Visited all seven continents
166. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than two days
167. Eaten kangaroo meat
168. Fallen in love at an ancient Mayan burial ground
169. Been a sperm or egg donor
170. Eaten sushi
171. Had your picture in the newspaper
172. Had two (or more) healthy romantic relationships for over a year in your lifetime
173. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
174. Gotten someone fired for their actions
175. Gone back to school
176. Parasailed
177. Changed your name
178. Petted a cockroach
179. Eaten fried green tomatoes

180. Read The Iliad
181. Selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read
182. Dined in a restaurant and stolen silverware, plates, cups because your apartment needed them
183. ...and gotten 86'ed from the restaurant because you did it so many times, they figured out it was you
184. Taught yourself an art from scratch
185. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
186. Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt
187. Skipped all your school reunions.
188. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
189. Been elected to public office
190. Written your own computer language
191. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream
192. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
193. Built your own PC from parts
194. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you (Do movies count?)
195. Had a booth at a street fair
196: Dyed your hair
197: Been a DJ
198. Found out someone was going to dump you via LiveJournal
199: Written your own role playing game
200: Been arrested

I've done a lot of stuff...

-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/11/06)

Sunday, October 08, 2006

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU WORK FOR OSAMA BIN LADEN

Top Ten Signs You Work for Osama bin Laden

10. You arrive for work in a jet. You go home from work in an urn.

9. Unused vacation time paid out in Hell.

8. Your Employee Handbook, the Koran, explains the "lose a hand for each transgression" progressive discipline policy.

7. Your fax machine spits out 3000 hot lead messages a minute.

6. You've never actually met the boss but you know how he smells.

5. You get maternity leave for up to three wives.

4. Your briefcase glows.

3. Your company's long range plans include digging new cubicles after the rainy season and spinning off an exploding goat division.

2. Your legal department consists of a blind cleric who burned a book once.

And the number one sign you work for Osama bin Laden...

1. You expense all mortar rounds but have to pay your own mileage on the company camel.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/01/01)

Friday, September 29, 2006

TOP TEN REJECTED SPECIAL FORCES GEAR

Top Ten Rejected Special Forces Gear

10. Infrared time-delay tactical exploding cigar

9. Glass Bottom Attack Boat, Fast

8. Fragmentation banana

7. Belt-fed supressed Swedish HK-5 spit wad launcher

6. Nerf mine

5. Fully automatic muzzle loader

4. Stealth eyelash curler

3. Sub-sonic whistle

2. Night vision underwear

And the number one rejected special forces gear...

1. Titanium alloy, bullet proof parachute

-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/06/98)

Saturday, September 23, 2006

TOP TEN ANGELINA JOLIE TURN-ONS

Top Ten Angelina Jolie Turn-ons

10. Sally Struthers

9. Oceans 11-13

8. Vial full of lover's blood, tic tacs

7. Her brother

6. Adopting husbands

5. Pediafrica

4. Masa

3. La Brea Brad Pits

2. Collagen

And the number one Angelina Jolie turn-on...

1. Vince Vaughan

-Jason Rohrblogger
(09/15/06)

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

TOP TEN MOVIES TO WATCH ON INTERNATIONAL TALK LIKE A PIRATE DAY



Note: Today is International Talk Like a Pirate Day! Click here
for more info.

Top Ten Movies to Watch on International Talk Like a Pirate Day

10. Avast Times at ARRRidgemont High

9. Forrest Stump

8. KramARRR Vs. KramARRR

7. Throw Mamma from the Plank

6. Peg Leg Sue Got Married

5. Aye, Robot

4. Sleeping Booty

3. Kiss Me, Mate

2. When Harry Met Galley

And Jason Rohrblogger's number one movie to watch on Talk Like a Pirate Day...

1. Anything rated ARRR!

-Jason Rohrblogger
(09/19/05)

And the alternates...

Pirates of the CARRRibean
ARRR We There Yet?
Earth Girls ARRR Easy
Car 54 Where ARRR You?

Monday, September 18, 2006

TOP TEN PROJECTS IN DEVELOPMENT AT BOEING

Top Ten Projects In Development At Boeing

10. A Cuban missile not in crisis

9. Bundt cake capable of baking up moist and chewy at 7.5 G's

8. A tactical surface-to-surface ballistic warhead that also doubles as a bottle opener, corkscrew, and fish scaler

7. Hatchback submarine

6. A robot that will withstand mowing the lawn, drinking beer, and watching TV; freeing you up to work on Saturday

5. A special camera that "sees" through Jell-O

4. World's largest jet: The Boeing 7777. Includes a passenger lounge, in-flight outdoor smoking area, and a full-size Disneyland* theme park

3. Top secret, indetectable breast implants, that do not alter or increase the size of the breasts, but can track and destroy enemy satellites

2. A more sophisticated, cross-shaped, "Phillips" warhead

And the number one project in development at Boeing...

1. The Cruise Tomahawk Patriot Sidewinder Laser Guided Heat Seeking Stealth Chihuahua

-Jason Rohrblogger
(09/07/98)

(*Separate admission)

Friday, September 15, 2006

TOP TEN KEN-ISMS

My former roommate, Ken, posted an inside-joke-filled list on his little piece of the web, Tales Wagging the Blog. Thanks for the love, Ken. Herewith are my...

Top Ten Ken-isms

10. Chee

9. Momsy gave me the hairy eyeball

8. #@$%&*(! (Always while seated at the Macintosh)

7. Would you look at that HD picture?

6. It's an etagére

5. We're going to have to bite the bullet and...

4. Are you faxing?

3. I'm taping Joey (in concert, behind the scenes, in prison...)

2. Jeremy came through. Again.

And the number one Ken-ism...

1. Bitch owes me a blowjob

-Jason Rohrblogger
(09/15/06)

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

TOP TEN ITEMS ON JESUS' "THINGS TO DO" LIST AFTER HE RETURNS

Top Ten Items On Jesus' "Things To Do" List After He Returns

10. Use the internet to find the current whereabouts of Judas

9. Try a Remington Electric Razor. If He likes it, buy the company

8. Sneak behind counter at McDonald's; have friend place gag order of fishes and loaves

7. Stretch out, properly warm-up, then kick some Lucifer butt

6. Goodbye sandals, hello Reeboks!

5. Appear on Dr. Phil, heal the guests

4. Pop in a tape of "Titanic" so He'll have something to watch for Eternity

3. Ride into New York City on donkey...apply for cab driver's license

2 . Start a band

And the number one item on Jesus' "things to do" list after He returns...

1. Get a haircut and get a real job

-Jason Rohrblogger
(09/10/98)

Sunday, September 10, 2006

TOP TEN ITEMS ON JESUS' "THINGS TO DO" LIST BEFORE HE RETURNS

Top Ten Items on Jesus' "Things To Do" List Before He Returns

10. Pick up shroud at Turin dry cleaners

9. Perfect new miracle: turning water into Diet Snapple

8. Shoot 35mm preview of return announcing, "this time, it's personal"

7. Direct-mail campaign to those set for Pre-Tribulation rapture: rapture bus will arrive mid-to-post Trib

6. Two words: Holy Spice

5. Rent a tux, buy a corsage, wash the Camaro

4. Three-day, five-state book signing junket

3. Stick head out of tomb, if no shadow, three more millenniums of winter

2. Cancel paper, kennel the dog, set timer for the lights

And the number one item on Jesus' "things to do" list before He returns...

1. Pay a little visit to Jim Bakker, Jimmy Swaggart, and Jerry Falwell

-Jason Rohrblogger
(09/10/98)

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

TOP TEN REJECTED WRIGLEY'S GUM FLAVORS

Top Ten Rejected Wrigley's Gum Flavors

10. Tabasco 'n' Raisin

9. 40 Weight! With 100% Recycled Motor Oil Liquid Center

8. Gumshoe

7. Asbestos Fruitastic

6. Bus Station Barnacle Ballyhoo

5. Middleast Medley: It's a Jihad in Your Mouth!

4. Dr. Hawkenstein's Chewmucous Explosion

3. Broken Beer Bottle Crunch Surprise

2. Punishmint (Curiously Strong)

And the number one rejected Wrigley's gum flavor...

1. JonBenetBerry

-Jason Rohrblogger
(08/19/98)

Friday, September 01, 2006

JASON'S TOP TEN PSYCHIC PREDICTIONS FOR THE NEW MILLENNIUM

Back in 1998 I made a few predictions. Let's see how I did...

Jason's Top Ten Psychic Predictions for the New Millennium

10. Prices at all 99¢ Stores skyrocket to $1.01

9. Out-of-control new fad: tattoo removal and sensible earrings

8. CIA declassifies documents proving Castro started Cuban revolution to impress chicks

7. All the computers crash because of the year change--Bill Gates replaces Jesse as MTV Veejay

6. Two words: President Quayle

5. Elton John weeps as Prince William abdicates throne to spend more time with his "good friends" Siegfried and Roy

4. Taco Bell Chihuahua kicks the drugs, booze, and women; teams up with Spuds McKenzie for TV ministry

3. Turns out Nostradamus was right: Judd Nelson is the Antichrist

2. Global power shift from white male elite to obscure form of sea fungus

And Jason's number one psychic prediction for the new millennium...

1. People STILL party like its 1999!

-Jason Rohrblogger
(09/05/98)

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

TOP TEN WORDS I JUST MADE UP

Top Ten Words I Just Made Up...

10. Croilingen

9. Splick

8. Crace

7. Frithericky

6. Spraniff

5. Philognerosis

4. Zotlesterate

3. Nimp

2. Pleppic

And the number one word I just made up...

1. Dymlographoid

-Jason Rohrblogger
(08/04/98)

Saturday, August 26, 2006

TOP TEN WORDS WOMEN USE

I love me some forwarded e-mail spam. Here now are the...

Top Ten Words Women Use

10. FINE! - This is one of two f-words women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how another woman looks, as this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

9. FIVE MINUTES - If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

8. NOTHING - This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine!"

7. GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows) - This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

6. GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows) - This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a "raised eyebrow go ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "nothing" and "fine" and she will talk to you in about "five minutes" when she cools off.

5. LOUD SIGH - This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "loud ligh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "nothing."

4. THAT'S OKAY - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

3. THANKS - A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.

2. THANKS ALOT - This is much different from "thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks a lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "loud sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "loud sigh," as she will only tell you "nothing."

And the number one word women use...

1. WHATEVER - Is a woman's way of saying "*!#@ YOU!"

-Jason Rohrblogger
(08/26/06)

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

JASON MAKES A CELEBRITY GOSSIP BLOG!

All hail Spicy Pants! She featured my friend Eric Edwards nicely in one of her posts and totally promoted Eric's show. A tip o' the hat and a big, sloppy HTML kiss to Celebrity Smack for sharing the blog love!

I like my pants like I like my Bloody Marys: Spicy!

Rohrblogger out...

Sunday, August 20, 2006

TOP TEN SIGNS RONALD REAGAN IS DEAD

Top Ten Signs Ronald Reagan Is Dead

10. Jody Foster seen canoodling with John Hinckley at Skybar

9. National airport can finally hire some air traffic controllers

8. Bush now offering arms-for-hostages in Iraq

7. Current editions of Star Wars initiative are way lousier than the original

6. Nancy ascends the throne

5. Maggie Thatcher ultimately tells little Wilson Thatcher who his real father is

4. Alexander Haig makes one final desperate grasp for power

3. His stuffed horse, Trigger, is put on display in the Reagan Library

2. The fine Jelly Bellies normally served are replaced with Folger's Crystals

And the number one sign that Ronald Reagan is dead...

1. Emboldened, Grenada renews the offensive. France Surrenders.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(07/13/04)

And the alternates...

Evil curse on the Supreme Court is lifted
Economics no longer trickling down
Finance faculty at MIT now offering Doctorate in Reaganomics
Stock in Depends plummets

Thursday, August 17, 2006

TOP TEN ANNOYING SUFFIXES

Top Ten Annoying Suffixes

10. -o-rama.

9. -adelic

8. -u-wait

7. -alicious.

6. -o-matic.

5. -arrific.

4. -action.

3. -o-vision.

2. -inator.

And the number one annoying suffix...

1. -califragilisticexpialidocious.

-Jason Rohrblogger and Bourbon Cowboy
(07/28/98)

And the alternates...

-a-thon
-palooza
-gate

Monday, August 14, 2006

TOP TEN IRA SPLINTER GROUPS

Top Ten IRA Splinter Groups

10. Sons of the Ancient Fraternal Paternal Maternal Sisterhood of the
Familial Reference

9. Blue Ülster Cult

8. Keepers of the Lewinsky: Lifters of the Kilt

7. The Order of Fries

6. All-Volunteer United Guild of Drunken Hooligans

5. Alliteration of Papist Populist Propagandists

4. Secret Society of Mysterious Riddles Wrapped in Puzzling Enigmas

3. Faction Jackson

2. The Sissy Brigade

And the number one IRA splinter group...

1. The Perpetrators of Instigation Starter Squad

-Jason Rohrblogger
(08/20/98)

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

TOP TEN THINGS FOUND IN ELTON JOHN'S PURSE

Top Ten Things Found In Elton John's Purse

10. Note from Gianni Versace, "Call me we'll do lunch."

9. Note from Princess Di, "Call me, let's go shopping."

8. Note from George Michael, "I'm still alive, meet me at the park."

7. Novelty key chain: "51% angel, 49% bitch!"

6. A shake-it-up-and-watch-it-snow Betty Ford Center

5. Extra fringe

4. A matching set of striped leg warmers and a headband. (Sorry, that was found in Olivia Newton John's purse)

3. An unused pass to Nautilus Swim 'n Fitness

2. Vial of Minoxodil, prescription for Viagra, hot pink lipstick

And the number one thing found in Elton John's purse...

1. A four foot by four foot eyeglass case

-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/28/98)

Monday, August 07, 2006

SINGLE O' THE WEEK!

Whoo, I say, and also: Hoo! I am Single of the Week! Boo-YAH! S.O.W., baby! Check out Grins n' Laughter's Top Ten Reasons Jason is Single of the Week. First and foremost, I'd like to thank Allah. And I gotta give a shout out to my boy Vishnu. I'd also like to thank the blogosphere, HTML, and the Firefox browser. And last but not least, I wouldn't be here if it weren't for Grins n' Laughter. Little known fact y'all: in 1997 she toured with W. Axl Rose for the summer as Grins n' Roses.

That's right, laydeez, I am single.

The fact that Grins pointed it out as a Top Ten List earns her ten extra points for style. Thanks again for the blog love...

Rohrblogger out!

Sunday, August 06, 2006

TOP TEN DONALD RUMSFELD EXCUSES

Top Ten Donald Rumsfeld Excuses

10. Had to ratchet up the pressure on detainees when they wouldn't break under his withering contempt.

9. A little murder never killed anybody.

8. Just as in Egyptian times...the security of the Free World depends on naked human pyramids.

7. All of the Harvard trained prison guards were busy. Had to use prison guards from the University of White Trash.

6. Would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for those meddling kids.

5. Thought Abu Ghraib pictures would be a big seller like that Paris Hilton video.

4. Merely letting the Iraqi detainees enjoy the sodomy that American prisoners enjoy stateside.

3. Was too busy gutting the Constitution to pay much attention to Iraq.

2. Thought they were only replacing the fine coffee normally served with Folger's Crystals.

And the number one Donald Rumsfeld excuse...

1. Mistook the Geneva Convention for a gathering of Trekkies.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(05/22/04)

And the alternates...

In 1933 in Berlin, Eugenicists proved that Brown People can't feel pain.
Thought sight of naked men would out that bitch Powell.
They shoot hostages, don't they?
Was inviting the victims to join Skull & Bones.
Lonely guards paid Rumsfeld two cartons of smokes to "have a little fun with the fish."
Heard Bush order him to "get some." Missed the key word "information."
When confronted by Bush, Rumsfeld blurted out, "I learned it from watching you!"
Thought the sexual humiliation was consensual.
What are a few war crimes among our good friends, the Iraqis?
Felt bad that Lynndie England didn't have a date to the Abu High Prom.

Monday, July 31, 2006

TOP TEN THINGS JASON DOES WITH HIS SPARE TIME

Top Ten Things Jason Does With His Spare Time

10. Work on macrome tryptich depicting the history of Borneo

9. Look for the Real Killers

8. Re-watch all 13 episodes of The Greatest American Hero

7. Study for the GED

6. Shave my back

5. Finish translating the Koran into the Cajun dialect

4. Save the children

3. Figure out next month's horoscope for that hilarious Chihuahua

2. Dark grumbling about how nobody understands my humor. Hate world...revenge soon...

And the number one thing Jason does with his spare time...

1. Write top one thousand list, take funniest 1%, send out as top ten list

-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/08/98)

Friday, July 28, 2006

TOP TEN BUSH SUGGESTIONS AFTER THE 9/11 PANEL REPORT

Top Ten Bush Suggestions After the 9/11 Panel Report

10. Route all trains away from the capitol so they can't be hijacked and driven into the White House.

9. Guantanamo Bay detainees should be held a minimum of two years to guarantee fresh intelligence.

8 . Best way to fight terrorism? Tax cuts for the rich.

7. Wartime is no time for the Geneva Convention.

6. Relax gun control laws so the average citizen can protect himself on an airplane.

5. Sexual harassment training for all Abu Ghraib prisoners.

4. Wait. Something happened on 9/11?

3. Bomb Afghanistan back to the stone age to deprive Al Qaeda of it's military and industrial might.

2. Stabilize the blood-for-oil exchange on the new Baghdad Stock Market.

And the number one Bush suggestion after the 9/11 panel report...

1. Death penalty for all suicide bombers.

-Jason Rohrblogger and Kyle Bloggam
(07/26/04)

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

TOP TEN REASONS YOUR RENTAL CAR IS NOT READY

Top Ten Reasons Your Rental Car Is Not Ready

10. Somebody better looking than you came by, without a reservation, and we just gave it to them

9. The "B" in Budget stands for "broken"

8. No vehicle will be released until the driver complies with our strict "No Pants" policy

7. You probably made a reservation but we lost it during one of our
frequent drunken brawls

6. The vehicle was picked up by Secret Service agents who suspiciously asked of we were running a Ford "Escort" Service

5. Your sub-compact will be delivered to you once the family of
Russian squatters moves out

4. Your rental is being serviced by our highly motivated staff of
factory trained squirrels

3. There's probably an astroid headed towards the earth right now and our total annihilation is imminent so what difference does it make if your Elantra is a few minutes late?

2. We've secretly replaced all of the cars in our fleet with Folger's
Crystals

And the number one reason your rental car is not ready...

1. Old Man Budget says the only form of payment we can accept anymore is aluminum cans

-Jason Rohrblogger
(09/21/98)

Friday, July 21, 2006

TOP TEN REJECTED AMUSEMENT PARK RIDES

Top Ten Rejected Amusement Park Rides

10. Voyage to the Bottom of the Urinal

9. The Flying Tooth Extractor

8. Mysterious House of Waning Consiousness

7. Sailboat on Mine Harbor

6. The Empregnator

5. Dr. Hacksaw's Amputorium

4. The Acid Drop

3. Three-Thousand-Mile Coast to Coaster

2. Mr. Toad's Wild Ride, and Subsequent Arraignment

And the number one rejected amusement park ride...

1. Honey, I Shrunk Your Testicles

-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/19/98)

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

TOP TEN CHILDREN'S BOOKS BY STEPHEN KING

Top Ten Children's Books By Stephen King

10. Incisor the Rabid Puppy

9. Playground of Pain

8. Babysat

7. My Substitute Is Satan

6. A Clown Touches Billy

5. Cafeteria Coroner

4. The Boy's Locker Room Redemption

3. Shoot Out at OK Elementary

2. Braces in the Basement

And the number one children's book by Stephen King...

1. Barbie Q.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(08/13/98)

Saturday, July 15, 2006

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU ARE NOT GETTING ENOUGH SLEEP

Top Ten Signs You Are Not Getting Enough Sleep
 
10. You fantasize more about the mattress than the woman
 
 9. Your eyelids are heavier than Elton John at Hometown Buffet
 
 8. You try to count sheep but it just makes you spill your third cappuccino extinguishing your meth pipe.
 
 7. You dream about all of the sleep you are finally going to get when you wake up.
 
 6. You hit the snooze bar on your car alarm. Then you drop your head down among the twisted debris to get a few winks before the jaws of life get there to cut you out.
 
 5. You have huge fluffy pillows implanted in your wife's breasts.
 
 4. Airport security searches the bags under your eyes
 
 3. You pay $1.99 a minute to hear Laura Ashley whisper slowly about the thread count
 
 2. You've replaced the fine Ambien normally served with Folger's Crystals
 
And the number one sign you are not getting enough sleep...
 
 1. The last time you closed your eyes in 1991 there was a Bush in the White House, a war in Iraq, and the Democrats were about to win the election
 
-Jason Rohrblogger
(07/17/04)
 
And the alternates...
 
You've spent less time on your back than a turtle
You don't even bother to set the cruise control on the RV before you head back to crash on the couch for a quick nap
You name your twins Sealy and Posturepedic
By the time you have to wake up, your microwave popcorn is almost done
You are first in line to buy the new Ford Siesta
You suffer from Wake-o-lepsy
Your ancestors beckon you to walk towards the light but you stop for a nap
It's 7:00pm and you've already crashed like a Delta flight
You complain that your husband doesn't give you enough snoreplay
You belly up to the snooze bar and order a Nap on the Beach
You envy that girl in the coma for 20 years
You daydream about night dreams
You institute a company-wide mandatory afternoon Goldfish cracker snack and nap time
You fall asleep reading this list

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

TOP TEN PROJECTS IN DEVELOPMENT AT KFC

Top Ten Projects In Development At KFC

10. A fat free "super-chicken" with four breasts and eight legs, yet no thighs or ribs

9. New nugget texture: Extra Soggy

8. An insulated disposable paper bucket with separate compartments for 15 pieces of chicken, 4 large fries, and 1 gallon of ice cold soda that can withstand 5 minutes in a 350 degree deep fat fryer

7. Drive-Thru restrooms

6. A NASA-approved freeze dried chicken pot pie that can be consumed through a straw

5. Catsup flavored Ketchup

4. A non-flammable petroleum based synthetic Ranch-flavored dressing-style reconstituted condiment dispensed in .0005oz indestructible packets

3. Boneless cheesecake

2. A more sophisticated Post-Doctor Pepper

And the number one project in development at KFC...

1. Immediate deployment of a potato fueled Detroyer-class Gravy Boat followed by a unilateral Declaration of Allegience to Colonalisimo Sanders

-Jason Rohrblogger
(07/27/98)

Sunday, July 09, 2006

CRAPTASTIC MEME

This questionnaire was so off-the-wall that I simply had to comply... Behold its craptastic goodness! Feel free to participate, and enjoy.

Have you had sex in the past 24 hours?
You mean, besides with your mom?

Are you gay?
Your mom is gay

Do you have hairy legs?
Your mom does

Do you smoke anything?
Ham and turkey

Do you like monkeys?
I spank my monkey. He is, after all, naughty

How many fillings do you have?
Four, bitches

Would you rather swim in the ocean or a lake?
I would like to swim in a lake inside the ocean

Have you ever licked one of those square batteries?
Is that what I licked? A square battery?

Have you ever read the Bible?
Yes

Did you ever go to Sunday School?
Throughout my entire youth

Do you wear a lot of black?
Perhaps

Did you ever bring a weapon to high school?
My bare hands...

Have you ever hugged a tree?
Probably

Do you know what a sphincter actually is?
Duh! I've worked for several...

Describe your hair?
Dirrty, dirrty blonde

Are you a wildbeast?
No. I'm a wildebeest

Do you like to have fun?
This quiz is superfruity

Do you like drama?
See answer above

Have you ever taken a bong hit?
Yes. And I hit the bong right back

Do you like mayonnaise?
Bring me the buttah

Are you afraid to die?
Right now, like, this minute? No

Do you like playing in leaves?
Can I smoke them?

Do you like lyme ticks?
They're delicious. When you roast them they have a nutty flavor

Have you ever peed your pants as an adult?
I quit wetting the bed. Last night

Have you ever thrown up on somebody as an adult?
Right now? Yes

Are you an adult?
Heh. No

Ever won a spelling bee?
I won a pissing bee

Do you ever eat because you are depressed?
I eat for any reason at all. Precious, life-giving food

Are you a television addict?
What's a television?

Do you think OJ is guilty?
I'm waiting for him to find the real killer or killers

Do you enjoy spending time with your mother?
Well, your mom seemed to like it when I was spending time with her last night

Have you ever had sex in a hot tub?
Yes. And it's not as fun as it sounds

On a swing?
Yes

Do you like Elvis?
Indeed

Do you enjoy watching animals "do it" on the Discovery channel?
I enjoy watching your mom "do it" on the Discovery channel

Ever been hit on at a zoo?
Yeah, your mom really digs me

Have you ever had sex with a total stranger?
Only a partial stranger

Do you enjoy the calming effects of turkeys?
Must have something to do with the tryptophan

Does your mom think someone is hot?
My mom likey-likey some Sam Elliot

Are you a sugar freak?
I'm sugar free

Ever been arrested?
Unh-uh

Ever commit a crime and get away with it?
Being this funny has got to be illegal

Do you like orange juice?
It gives me heartburn

What sign are you?
Pisces. Smell the fish, baby

Ever do the party boy dance in front of the elderly?
Sure, I like to watch their dentures fall out from laughing

Where do you wish you were right now?
Take me to my special place, take me to my special place, take me...

Did you enjoy this?
Your mom enjoyed this

-Jason Rohrblogger
(07/09/06)

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

50 REASONS IT'S GOOD TO BE AN AMERICAN MAN

Esquire Magazine's 50 Reasons It's Good to Be an American Man (in no particular order)

Note: This was published in Esquire's June 2006 issue and is reprinted here without permission. Copyright, schmoppyright

50. Eight more Sopranos episodes

49. This formula: a Tuesday, the sizzling sun, cheap beer, bleacher seats

48. Because if you're an American man, you're not a British man

47. Because someday you could grow up to be Grand Exalted Ruler of a club called the Elks

46. Macaroni and cheese. And hot dogs

45. Yellow mustard

44. Corn Bread

43. ZZ Top. They're from Texas, and they're not from old money. In fact, they just got paid today, and it was all nickels and dimes. They sport beards that would be unacceptable to most biker mamas. They have consumed booze, drugs, topless dancers, pork ribs, and pecan pie with equal and unadulterated ferocity. And considering that they haven't made a decent album since 1983, it's somewhat remarkable that they're still around. But ZZ Top continues to define the aesthetics of unrepentant American maleness; this is the music of liars, fighters, and gamblers. ZZ Top is what you hear when there are thirteen people in the bar and twelve of them are men (and the thirteenth is a waitress and she’s been divorced three times). It's a straightforward equation: Billy Gibbons gets his ax in the pocket, everybody hunkers down with Camel straights, the world turns into chrome and leather, and thirty years of political correctness evaporates like spit. –Chuck Klosterman

42. The perfect cheeseburger

41. The never-ending quest to find the perfect barbecue joint

40. Batting cages and driving ranges. In the same spot

39. Tiffany's. Any schmuck with a credit card can walk in, buy the cheapest trinket in the store, have 'em wrap it up in that peacock-blue box with a satin bow, and melt any woman's heart.

38. NFL Sunday Ticket

37. The ever-changing standards of American beauty. While men elsewhere have fairly stagnant tastes, our ideal swings constantly from Kate Moss to J. Lo. This is good. It means American women have countless norms to pick from and ensures us of a truly eclectic buffet.

36. The surfeit of attractive actresses named Jennifer

35. That the Yankees haven't won the World Series in five seasons. And it ain't gonna happen this year, either

34. That concurrently Bob Dylan and Kanye West both, in some way, speak for you

33. The red-eye out of Vegas. At 3:00 p.m., you're poolside, trying to sweat out an ill-advised round of mojitos with three women from Nova Scotia. You haven't eaten since the night before, when you had a porterhouse at a place where they made the Caesar salad at your table. At 6:00, you get your bag from the bellman and wash up in the casino restroom. You still look good. At 8:00, you stand at the craps table, your bag at your feet, and make one last concerted effort to hit on your famous parley on the horn hi yo. At 9:45, after laying a quick five hundred on the Redskins, you grab a cab to the airport, where you drop a final hundred into the Wheel of Fortune slot machines as you tug on a Bloody Mary. At 11:56, you take your seat on the plane, and fifteen minutes later, every reading light goes out, every head tilts into a makeshift pillow. When you land, you debark bleary-eyed, crook-stepped. It's 5:58. In three hours you will be at work. –Tom Chiarella

32. The C-note

31. The rebirth of the steak house. Less burgundy, better meat

30. The duality of never buying a Jack LaLanne juicer but being happy that he is selling them

29. The smell of a box of baseballs

28. DVR for just seven dollars a month

27. Boy shorts on women

26. Wine in a box

25. Salad in a bag

24. Titanium is our mineral. Titanium drivers. Titanium bats. Titanium armor

23. When you think about it, our flag is still the coolest looking of any nation's. Except maybe Kiribati's

22. You can eat Krispy Kremes sautéed in trans fat at every meal for the next three months and still not be the fattest person at the state fair

21. You're never more than a car ride away from a decent public golf course

20. Low expectations

19. The Food Network's Giada De Laurentiis

18. One-hundred-eighty-minute happy hours

17. Three beach chili

16. Four-door trucks

15. Five-blade razors

14. The lyrics to Hank Williams Jr.'s "Texas Women:" I've got some fond memories of San Angelo / And I've seen some beauty queens in El Paso / But the best looking women that I've ever seen / Have all been in Texas and all wearing jeans

13. Baked beans at Durgin-Park. In Boston, of course

12. Tater Tots

11. Texas Pete hot sauce

10. Slow-pitch softball

9. Cheap cars with cojones. Like the Dodge Magnum, a wagon that'll do 130 miles per hour

8. The first four days of the NCAA tournament. Forty-eight games in eighty-four hours

7. The first eighteen minutes of Conan O'Brien

6. The Wonderbra

5. 3-in-One oil

4. Outlaw Country (channel 63) on Sirius. Self-description: "A sanctuary for the freaks, misfits, outcasts, rebels, and renegades of country music."

3. Redwood National Park in California. An atheist could find God here

2. Canadian import Emanuelle Chriqui

And Esquire Magazine's number one reason it's good to be an American man...

1. The original Tommy's burger. Not Tommies, mind you, that sorry mall-rat imitator of the real thing in L.A., but Tommy’s - the y indicating that the chili on top has been brewing in the same pot for fifty years, which may be why you find very few American women in the long line

-Esquire Magazine
(07/04/06)

Sunday, July 02, 2006

TOP TEN REJECTED DEFENSE DEPARTMENT PROJECTS IN DEVELOPMENT FOR IRAQ

Top Ten Rejected Defense Department Projects in Development for Iraq

10. A prayer rug that traps all pleas to Muhammed and e-mails them to Jesus

9. A cleric-seeking missile

8. An interrogation hood that exfoliates while it intimidates

7. A puppet government headed by King Friday and Prince Tuesday

6. A Vietnam metaphor with 10% less accuracy

5. An oil pipeline that liberates itself

4. A 24-hour Arab news network that only shows reruns of McHale's Navy

3. A suicide bomber vest that lifts and separates

2. Bradley Fighting Goat

And the number one rejected Defense Department project in development for Iraq...

1. The burkhini

-Jason Rohrblogger
(05/23/04)

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

TOP TEN TITANIC SEQUELS

Top Ten Titanic Sequels

10. Hindenburg: A Love Story (Includes hit song: O The Humanity)

9. Donner Pass! A Couple Consumed With Passion

8. Meet Me In Pompeii!! (The Musical)

7. I Left My Heart In Nagasaki

6. Honeymoon On The Space Shuttle Columbia

5. Love On The Rocks: The TWA Flight 800 Story

4. Valentine on Mt. Vesuvius

3. I've Got A Chicago Fire In My Heart

2. My Favorite Holocaust

And the number one Titanic Sequel...

1. Titanic II: Jack's Back (And this time it's...blah, blah, blah)

-Jason Rohrblogger
(04/21/98)

Sunday, June 25, 2006

TOP TEN ITEMS ON LEONARDO DICAPRIO'S "TO DO" LIST

Top Ten Items on Leonardo DiCaprio's "To Do" List

10. Sign lucrative three year deal to star in six Squeeg-O-Matic
infomercials

9. Rehab

8. Set up Leo D's Psychic Chat Hot Phone

7. Host late night Crossdressing Variety Hour on the WB as "Lady Di" Caprio

6. Star in every Jerry Bruckheimer film from now until his early death next month at age 33

5. More Taco Bell ads with that hilarious Chihuahua

4. Three words: start a band

3. Cut a wide and self-destructive path through the heart of every young woman he meets

2. Finally get off his duff and join the Navy

And the number one thing on Leonardo DiCaprio's "things to do" list...

1. Win Oscar

-Jason Rohrblogger
(04/24/98)

Monday, June 19, 2006

TOP TEN PRODUCTS IN DEVELOPMENT AT KRAFT

Top Ten Products in Development at Kraft

10. A cookie that is harmless to children, but toxic to elves

9. A TV dinner with a built in disposable TV

8. A silicon based non-dairy grated Permesan cheese substitute with the shelf-life of styrofoam and the flavor of sand

7. Artificial parsley

6. Tofurkey: Thanksgiving style tofu

5. A just-add-water dry breakfast cereal that makes its own "milk"

4. Macaroni and Sneeze: The first self-defense entree, macaroni laced with mace

3. Colorful gelatin bears made of bean curd paste

2. My First Buzz: a sweet, low alcohol (.05%), version of Kool Aid

And the number one project in development at Kraft...

1. T.A.P.! Himalayan Spring snowmelt specially collected and bottled then treated to taste like urban tap water

-Jason Rohrblogger
(05/26/98)

Friday, June 16, 2006

TOP TEN CAR RENTAL AGENT PICKUP LINES

Top Ten Car Rental Agent Pick-Up Lines

10. I'll upgrade your compact to a full-size

9. Is that a Loss Damage Waiver in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?

8. You've got a Premium Class body at Economy Class rates!

7. What's a nice girl like you doing with Supplemental Liability Insurance like this?

6. Return here often?

5. I'm sorry, you're too hot for a non-smoking car

4. If you pull your top down, I'll fill your tank

3. Yeah, but my turn around time is five minutes or less

2. When I'm done with you, you'll Express Return

And the number one car rental agent pick-up line...

1. If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you let me buff it to a keen shine?

-Jason Rohrblogger
(05/26/98)

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

TOP TEN, LIKE, THINGS

Top Ten, Like, Things

10. Stuff

9. Junk

8. That one whatchamacallit

7. Doohickey

6. Quintessence

5. Gizmo

4. Thingy

3. Gimcrack

2. Folger's Crystals

And the number one, like, thing...

1. Whatever

-Jason Rohrblogger and Mickmastor
(06/27/04)

Sunday, June 11, 2006

TOP TEN REJECTED STANDARD EQUIPMENT ON ALL 2007 VEHICLES

Top Ten Rejected Standard Equipment Options On All 2007 Vehicles

10. Wall to wall Velcro

9. 7.5 lb. tow package

8. Tainted windows

7. Spiked upholstery for masochists

6. Shroud of Tourin' sunshades

5. Coal powered turbo charged steam driven 8-track player

4. Bi-focal prescription windshield

3. 50,000 Kilowatt dome light

2. Bumper-mounted child safety seat

And the number one rejected standard equipment option on all 2007 vehicles...

1. Factory installed dashboard Jesus

-Jason Rohrblogger
(05/28/98)

Thursday, June 08, 2006

TOP TEN EXCEPTIONS TO THE RULE

Top Ten Exceptions to the Rule

10. During takeoff and landing

9. Not while I'm eating

8. Only during leap year

7. Once, in college

6. If the French will agree

5. During wartime and Mardi Gras

4. If it's raining

3. When the moon is in the second house and Jupiter aligns with Mars

2. While intoxicated

And the number one exception to the rule...

1. Never on a Sunday

-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/10/04)

Monday, May 29, 2006

TOP TEN FAVE QUOTES

Top Ten Fave Quotes

10. A sleeping bag is a tortilla for a human. -Mitch Hedberg

9. Dick Cheney agreed to be President Bush's running mate once again in 2004. He made the announcement while riding in Ambulance One. -Jay Leno

8. About the most originality that any writer can hope to achieve honestly is to steal with good judgment. -Josh Billings

7. If you're so pro-life, do me a favor: don't lock arms and block medical clinics. If you're so pro-life, lock arms and block cemeteries. -Bill Hicks

6. Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them. -Steve Martin

5. There's no doubt about it, show business lures the people who didn't get enough love, attention, or approval early in life and have grown up to become bottomless, gaping vessels of terrifying, abject need. Please laugh. -Dennis Miller

4. Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely. -P.J. O'Rourke

3. Women say they have sexual thoughts too. They have no idea. It's the difference between shooting a bullet and throwing it. If they knew what we were really thinking, they'd never stop slapping us. -Larry Miller

2. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. -Steven Wright

And the number one fave quote...

1. Women should be obscene and not heard. -Groucho Marx

-Jason Rohrblogger
(05/20/06)

And the alternates...

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand. -Emo Philips
Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife. -P.J. O'Rourke
I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name. -Paula Poundstone
Married people are not a very good advertisement for marriage. -Bill Maher
This is not the most right I've ever been. -Paul Reiser
My girlfiend said to me in bed last night, "you're a pervert" I said, "that's a big word for a girl of nine." -Emo Philips
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it. -Joan Rivers
Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage: they've experienced pain and bought jewelry. -Rita Rudner
I think the reason they cast me as the good girls is because they couldn't find any in Hollywood. -Victoria Jackson
The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong. -David Letterman

Friday, May 26, 2006

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU LIVE IN L.A.

Top Ten Signs You Live In L.A.

10. You are pulled over for a routine traffic violation, two years and three surgeries later, Blair Underwood is signed to play you in the made-for-TV movie

9. You're deaf, yet you carry two cell phones and a pager

8. Your '99 Honda Civic is fined as a "gross polluter"

7. You've lived by the beach for ten years, yet you've never actually gotten in the water

6. You saw the best movie of 2006 in March of 2004

5. You hike eight miles and 5000 feet to the top of Mt. Palomar to legally light a cigarette

4. Your nipple rings always hold up the line at the airport

3. English is spoken in the home, but everything else is in Spanish

2. It's a struggle to feed your $600-a-day Starbucks habit

And the number one sign you live in L.A....

1. You're always a little bit shocked and offended when somebody rudely answers their phone, instead of politely letting you talk to their voicemail

-Jason Rohrblogger
(01/13/04)

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU ARE AN AUTO INSURANCE CLAIMS ADJUSTER

Top Ten Signs You Are an Auto Insurance Claims Adjuster

10. You promise to love, honor, and cherish your wife, except for purposes of worker's compensation, fidelity, suretyship, and boiler and machinery commercial lines.

9. You pay your child five dollars a week allowance not to exceed $250.00 per annum unless chores were committed flagrantly and in conscious disregard of Subsection 1.1(c), or in bad faith creating unreasonable delay, or performed in an unworkmanlike manner resulting in the suspension or revocation of the child's license.

8. You indemnify your cat.

7. You refer to your son's Boy Scout Troop as "that little reciprocal exchange fraternal benefit society."

6. You delay orgasm by requiring a formal proof of loss form and subsequent verification that results in duplication of information and verification appearing in the formal proof of loss form.

5. You open a restaurant and charge $5,662.21 for an omelet - calculated as the lifetime earning potential of the three chickens that died to make the omelet.

4. During the playoffs you refuse to acknowledge any third-party family members for a period of fifteen (15) calendar days.

3. You drop draft a dozen roses to your wife in partial settlement for failure to exhibit property in a reasonable and timely manner and for breech of policy on or before the anniversary of your nuptial contract.

2. You subrogate the fine coffee normally served with Folger's Crystals.

And the number one sign you are an auto insurance claims adjuster...

1. You explain to your three-year-old that she can't have the candy until she recovers a deductible upon the first party claimant's request, if any, and the deduction may then be for only a pro-rata share of the allocated loss adjustment expense in reasonable proportion to the candy including but not limited to betterment and depreciation.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/11/02)

And the alternate...

That's a policy in his pocket and he's NOT glad to see you.

Saturday, May 20, 2006

JASON ROHRBLOGGER'S TOP TEN FAVE LINES FROM BOURBON COWBOY

Note: Cowboy Dave recently featured me nicely in one of his posts. Thanks for the blog love, Dave. Herewith are...

Jason Rohrblogger's Top Ten Fave Lines from Bourbon Cowboy

10. I'm sleeping literally on the hardwood floor in a sleeping bag, and the closest laundromat is two blocks away, and it's pretty darn cold outside. But I'm actually surprised at how happy I already am.

9. So already I was pretty sure I was dealing with an idiot.

8. If every time that something in life that should be simple turned out bizarrely difficult, and I reacted each time by waving my fist impotently at the skies, by now I'd have the wrists of Popeye and you'd be seeing me at 3 am on ESPN2 in the World's Strongest Forearm Competition, arm-wrestling Glandulor, the robot that made Deep Blue's high school years hell.

7. I was ecstatic! This is the Holy Grail of cheat papers!

6. You know how life sucks but then it keeps on sucking?

5. Obviously, I've been living in the wrong damn part of the country up to now.

4. I think I just dejigamahooed the proper dealybob, so everything should now be cromulent.

3. Bring the real essentials-clothes, computer, TV, my scotch collection....

2. My problems actually started a few entries ago....

And Jason Rohrblogger's number one fave line from Bourbon Cowboy...

1. Last night at a toga party, while I was soaking in a hot tub and waiting for the Jell-O wrestling to start, four of the sweetest and most beautiful young lesbians I have ever met stripped naked, climbed in, and started making out with each other so close to me that we later joked about how all our legs were getting tangled together.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(05/20/06)

And the alternates...

How many 3-dollar hotdogs had I actually consumed?
Possible exception if you're a lovely woman with a cute picture somewhere; I'm not ruling anything out.
...my limit is almost always two drinks, unless someone else is buying.
I think I heard a cosmic toilet flush as I realized how much I was going to have to leave behind. So long, futon! Goodbye, exercise bike!
Catch, thy name is Twenty-two.
[pause for drinking.]
I barely rate a second glance.
I spent the afternoon of Tuesday in orant pose near a toilet, and I cancelled my other two look-sees. And that's how I wound up with the apartment I have.
Guess who reads blogs looking for references to the company I work for? The company I work for!
I may, of course, be delusional.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

TOP TEN SUDANESE INSULTS FOR AMERICANS

Top Ten Sudanese Insults For Americans

10. Bomb dropping Spielberg lovers

9. Lewinsky stained McLiars

8. Beer guzzling cell phone wielding Richard Simmons followers

7. Barney worshiping embassy deserters

6. Cable ready CNN zombies

5. China coddling, Hillary electing, Southern Canadians

4. Windows98™ crashing motherless sons of Bill Gates

3. Strung out Baywatch junkie couch cowards

2. Cadillac driving golf slaves

And the number one Sudanese insult for Americans...

1. Pork eating, TV preaching, Kathie Lee Gifford watching Great Western Satans of the Age

-Jason Rohrblogger
(08/25/98)

Sunday, May 14, 2006

TOP TEN PRODUCTS IN DEVELOPMENT AT PFIZER

Top Ten Products in Development at Pfizer

10. A weight loss drug that also makes you interesting

9. A marriage supplement

8. A topical solution that restores hair on your head and removes hair from your back

7. A financial restorative

6. An anti-assaholic

5. Breath remover

4. An erection pill that also increases your intelligence

3. A fertility drug whose effectiveness is based on your level of income

And the number one product in development at Pfizer...

1. A selective memory enhancement drug

-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/09/04)

Thursday, May 11, 2006

TOP TEN REJECTED RETAIL SHOE STORES

Top Ten Rejected Retail Shoe Stores

10. O'Bunion's

9. Imelda's Closet

7. Hammertoe Time

6. Shoe From Shineola

5. Foot Shocker

4. Leather, Straps 'n' Buckles

3. New Business Like Shoe Business

2. Pimp Pumps

And the number one rejected retail shoe store...

1. Shoe Fetish

-Jason Rohrblogger
(05/10/06)

Friday, May 05, 2006

JASON ROHRBLOGGER'S TOP TEN FAVE LINES FROM PIEHOLE

Jason Rohrblogger's Top Ten Fave Lines from Piehole...

10. He's lucky that he says "structure" in that way that makes me all melty. And then "structure structure structure" so that I get super melty.

9. PS. Winner of the Ciscoe Morris Impersonation Contest? ME!

8. ...when we engage in an uncharacteristic, and potentially soppy, walk on the beach while holding hands, he called me shithead.

7. "Mont-gum-reh! It's suppah time!"

6. My hair is having a very cute day... My back fat, on the other hand, not so much.

5. Two dishwashers. One for the dishes, one for the dildos.

4. ...it was either drinking or stabbing people.

3. And by "fun" I mean "salmonella"

2. I wish I could punch you through the phone.

And Jason Rohrblogger's number one fave line from Piehole...

1. Piehole! The title itself is pure hilarity! As if there is a hole just for pie... -snicker-

-Jason Rohrblogger
(05/04/06)

And the alternates...

Who knew that 2 donuts could knock me on my ass?
Will I ever tire of being leered at like I'm a piece of meat by middle-aged couples trying to get their three-way on?
...throwing rum on it sounded like a good idea at the time...
Who do I have to blow to get one small dumbass turkey in this neighborhood?
And I'm sorry I called you an armpit. I didn't mean it. (I totally meant it.)
I celebrated by falling down the stairs in my office... Go me.
I mean, I don't want people yelling "FORNICATOR!" at me when I walk in, but something with a little less kissing.
Where the hell is all this pee coming from?
Oh, cruel fate. Why must you ream me?
I cannot poop on command.

Saturday, April 29, 2006

TOP TEN MORE THINGS ABOUT ME

Okay, I got tagged yet AGAIN. This time by Dr. J. Angela over at Making Lemonade.

Top Ten More Things About Me

10. I did it all for the nookie

9. I'm that guy on his cell phone in traffic

8. I love me some Kate Winslet

7. I know champagne is really just fancy Chardonnay

6. As a teenager, I once shot up an abandon car. My father helped me!

5. I would rather read a book than watch network television

4. I can make any phrase or word sound dirty

3. I'm working on a cheddar-based doomsday device in my secret laboratory. And I pronounce it luh-bore-uh-tory.

2. My flesh burns when I step into a church. Is that bad? Is it supposed to burn?

And the number one thing more about me...

1. Though I can cook in every room of the house, I can also cook in the kitchen

-Jason Rohrblogger
(04/28/06)

I'm tagging:

SuziJane, Gieau_SF, S. N. Winger, Spicy Pants

TOP TEN WEIRD THINGS ABOUT ME

Me me me meme. I've been tagged by Aurora Borealis over at Atomic Bombshell.

Top Ten Weird Things About Me

10. I like big butts and I cannot lie

9. I bake M&M's into my brownies

8. I once designed a fully-automatic muzzle loading rifle in shop class. I got a C

7. I'm a non-smoker who doesn't mind second-hand smoke

6. I have a black-belt in an obscure Hawaiian martial art called Kajukembo

5. Gabe Kaplan, from "Welcome Back, Kotter," once took me to a strip club in El Paso, TX. I am not making this up.

4. I constantly promise myself I'll get around to procrastinating tomorrow

3. I can dish it out, but I can't take it

2. I'm allergic to nuts. Not the food; the mentally ill

And the number one weird thing about me...

1. Sometimes, on a lonely cold winter night, I Google myself

-Jason Rohrblogger
(04/28/06)

I'm tagging:

Wil Wheaton, Heather B. Armstrong, Pauly Shore, Nickelback

Saturday, April 22, 2006

TOP TEN REJECTED NAPA VALLEY VINTAGES

Top Ten Rejected Napa Valley Vintages

10. French Whore Blush

9. 4 Rosés

8. Vivian Chableigh

7. Pepperidge Farm Bordeaux

6. Chardonnéné

5. Red Zeppelin

4. Ernest and Julio Tallow

3. Chateauneuf du Rape

2. Bronson Pinot

And the number one rejected Napa Valley vintage...

1. Qué Syrah Syrah

-Jason Rohrblogger
(04/21/06)

And the alternates...

Sauvignon Mel Blanc
Merlot Streep
Mr. Mojo Riesling
Mustangiovese
Semillon Man March
Mesquite Muscat
Mauve Clicquot
Ron Burgundy
Rhone-oceros

Sunday, April 16, 2006

TOP TEN EASTER BUNNY PET PEEVES

Top Ten Easter Bunny Pet Peeves

10. Kids who shout "show me the bunny!"

9. Brown jelly beans

8. When Jesus comes out of his tomb and sees his shadow: six more weeks of Spring

7. Pastel

6. Teenagers who try to smoke the plastic grass

5. Baskets that chafe your eggs

4. The way his brother, Bugs, makes all that royalty money year round and doesn't have to get a single drop of dye on his paws

3. Passover Bunny

2. That litter his wife delivered that looks an awful lot like the Energizer Bunny

And the number one Easter Bunny pet peeve...

1. Having to spend the rest of the year in a condo with Santa Claus in Florida

-Jason Rohrblogger
(04/16/05)

Thursday, April 13, 2006

SHOUT OUT

Just Angela over at Making Lemonade has kindly featured me in one of her posts: Top Ten Reasons to Read Jason Rohrblogger's Top Ten.

The fact that she did it as a Top Ten List earns her ten extra points for style. Thanks for the blog love, Angela! You can, um, squeeze my lemon anytime...

-Jason Rohrblogger
(04/13/06)

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

STATION BREAK

Station Break

I am breaking from the usual list format to reprint Bill Maher's closing remarks on his "Real Time" HBO show recently:

"Mr. President, this job can't be fun for you any more. There's no more money to spend - you used up all of that. You can't start another war because you used up the army. And now, darn the luck, the rest of your term has become the Bush family nightmare: helping poor people.

Listen to your mom. The cupboard's bare, the credit cards are maxed out. No one will really speak to you anymore. Mission accomplished.

Now it's time to do what you've always done best: lose interest and walk away. Like you did with your military service and the oil company and the baseball team. It's time. Time to move on and try the next fantasy job. How about cowboy or space man? Now I know what you're saying: there's so many other things that you as President could involve yourself in.

Please don't. I know, I know. There's a lot left to do. There's a war with Venezuela. Eliminating the sales tax on yachts. Turning the space program over to the church. And Social Security to Fannie Mae. Giving embryos the vote.

But, Sir, none of that is going to happen now. Why? Because you govern like Billy Joel drives. You've performed so poorly I'm surprised that you haven't given yourself a medal. You're a catastrophe that walks like a man. Herbert Hoover was a shitty president, but even he never conceded an entire city to rising water and snakes.

On your watch, we've lost almost all of our allies, the surplus, four airliners, two trade centers, a piece of the Pentagon and the City of New Orleans. Maybe you're just not lucky. I'm not saying you don't love this country. I'm just wondering how much worse it could be if you were on the other side.

So, yes, God does speak to you. What he is saying is: 'Take a hint.'"


-Bill Maher
(03/31/06)