Saturday, July 15, 2006

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU ARE NOT GETTING ENOUGH SLEEP

Top Ten Signs You Are Not Getting Enough Sleep
 
10. You fantasize more about the mattress than the woman
 
 9. Your eyelids are heavier than Elton John at Hometown Buffet
 
 8. You try to count sheep but it just makes you spill your third cappuccino extinguishing your meth pipe.
 
 7. You dream about all of the sleep you are finally going to get when you wake up.
 
 6. You hit the snooze bar on your car alarm. Then you drop your head down among the twisted debris to get a few winks before the jaws of life get there to cut you out.
 
 5. You have huge fluffy pillows implanted in your wife's breasts.
 
 4. Airport security searches the bags under your eyes
 
 3. You pay $1.99 a minute to hear Laura Ashley whisper slowly about the thread count
 
 2. You've replaced the fine Ambien normally served with Folger's Crystals
 
And the number one sign you are not getting enough sleep...
 
 1. The last time you closed your eyes in 1991 there was a Bush in the White House, a war in Iraq, and the Democrats were about to win the election
 
-Jason Rohrblogger
(07/17/04)
 
And the alternates...
 
You've spent less time on your back than a turtle
You don't even bother to set the cruise control on the RV before you head back to crash on the couch for a quick nap
You name your twins Sealy and Posturepedic
By the time you have to wake up, your microwave popcorn is almost done
You are first in line to buy the new Ford Siesta
You suffer from Wake-o-lepsy
Your ancestors beckon you to walk towards the light but you stop for a nap
It's 7:00pm and you've already crashed like a Delta flight
You complain that your husband doesn't give you enough snoreplay
You belly up to the snooze bar and order a Nap on the Beach
You envy that girl in the coma for 20 years
You daydream about night dreams
You institute a company-wide mandatory afternoon Goldfish cracker snack and nap time
You fall asleep reading this list

1 comment:

Larry Litle said...

Another brilliant list.