Friday, December 28, 2007

TOP TEN REJECTED TYLER PERRY MOVIES

Top Ten Rejected Tyler Perry Movies

10. Tyler Perry and the Temple of Doom

9. Pyler Terry's Diary of a Bad Mack Woman

8. Beverly Hills Cop IV

7. Cliché Premise of Payne

6. Tyler Perry's Tyler Perry starring Tyler Perry

5. Beat the Mounds

4. Tyler Perry Meets the Klumps

3. Why Did I Get Married at Big Mamma's House Party 2?

2. Trading Places II: Trading Placier

And number one rejected Tyler Perry movie...

1. Madea Goes to Camp, Jail, College, Hawaii, the Army, Rides Again, and Saves Christmas

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/09/07)

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

TOP TEN SEASON’S GREETINGS

Top Ten Season's Greetings

10. Happy Hanukkah

9. Killer Kwanzaa

8. Rockin' Ramadan

7. Super Solstice

6. Very Vishnu Purnima

5. Feliz Navidad

4. Beautiful Boxing Day

3. Fine Festivus

2. Happy New Year

And the number one season's greeting…

1. Merry Christmas

And to all a good night!

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/25/07)

Monday, December 24, 2007

SECRET SANTA


I received "COYOTES A Journey Through the Secret World of America's Illegal Aliens" by Ted Conover in the mail today. It was ordered, apparently, through my wish list posted on Amazon. There was no packing slip in the package so I have no idea who sent it, and therefore, no idea who to thank.

If you want to make yourself known, you can drop me an e-mail. If not: thank you Secret Santa! You rock!

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/24/07)

Saturday, December 22, 2007

TOP TEN CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE DISTURBED

Today's list was stolen from Have Fun with English and I added a few more of my own...

Top Ten Christmas Carols for the Disturbed

10. Schizophrenia - Do You Hear What I Hear?

9. Multiple Personality Disorder - We Three Kings Disoriented Are

8. Dementia - I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

7. Narcissistic - Hark! The Herald Angels Sing About Me!

6. Manic - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants...

5. Paranoid - Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

4. Borderline Personality Disorder - Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

3. Personality Disorder - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

2. Attention Deficit Disorder - Silent Night, Holy oooh look at the froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

1. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells , Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells...

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/22/07)

And the alternates...

Amnesia - I Don't Know if I'll be Home for Christmas

Agoraphobia - I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day but Wouldn't
leave My House

Senile Dementia - Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles from My
House in My Slippers and Robe

Oppositional Defiant Disorder - I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
so I Burned Down the House

Psychotic disorder - Joy to the World, I Hate You All

Eating disorder - Oh Come Get a Face Full

Thursday, December 20, 2007

FUNNIEST HEADLINE EVER

This was sent to me by Jenn over at Let the Wild Rumpus Start.

Funniest headline ever (thanks to Huffington Post!):


"Britney Spears' Sister, 16, Pregnant...Christian Parenting Book Delayed"


Bwah ha ha! That is PURE HILARITY! Like a pregnant 16-year-old can't be a Christian! She's gonna need all the Christ she can get...

My two fave quotes from the article:

1) "Jamie Lynn plans to raise the baby in her home state of Louisiana 'so it can have a normal family life.'"

My family is from Louisiana. Ain't nothing normal going on there.

2) "It is rumored she and Aldridge met in church and Lynn Spears says they've been dating for years."

It's the church girls you gotta watch out for. I didn't join my church's youth choir in high school for the MUSIC...

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/20/07)

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

THE FRESHMAKER


I saw this display at Target today. Elvis left the building 30 years ago. How "fresh" can this Christmas music actually be?

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/18/07)

Sunday, December 16, 2007

MEME

Meme

Yet another Internet time waster from Rohrblogger...

Two names you go by:
1. Superfly
2. Prisoner 18B299

Two things you are wearing right now:
1. Leash
2. Condom

Two of your favorite things to do:
1. Lawn chess
2. Tattoo my goldfish

Two things you want very badly at the moment:
1. An arraignment
2. More goldfish ink

Two favorite pets you have or have had:
1. Aloysius, a marsupial llama
2. Ruby the Wonder Salamander

Two things you did last night:
1. Sold off my collection of rare milk
2. Wrote the preamble to my manifesto

Two things you ate today:
1. Yak butter
2. Buffalo ostrich wings

Two people you last talked to:
1. The District Attorney
2. Jesus

Two things you are doing tomorrow:
1. Colonoscopy
2. Pearl diving

Two longest car rides:
1. Stretch limousine
2. Cargo Van

Two favorite holidays:
1. Ramadan
2. Vishnu Purnima

Two favorite beverages:
1. Firewater
2. Pepto Bismol

Two favorite movies:
1. Debbie Does Baghdad
2. Porkies IV: Porkier

Two jobs you have or have had:
1. Assistant donut glazer
2. Mack daddy

Two people you are tagging:
1. Al Gore
2. Carrot Top

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/16/07)

Thursday, December 13, 2007

TOP TEN MOST ANNOYING SONGS EVER

Top Ten Most Annoying Songs Ever

10. Electric Boogie - Marcia Griffiths
This song has the irritating Electric Slide line dance that goes with it, is played at EVERY wedding, and includes the lyrics, "jiggle-a-mesa-cara" which as far as I can tell translates as "jiggle a table face." The Electric Boogie is the trifecta of annoying.

9. Who Let the Dogs Out? - Baha Men
Indeed, who? At least there is no "doggy dance" trotted out at every reception for this one. Although it appears to be federal law that it be played at EVERY sporting event at least once. The main refrain includes actual barking. Can't we put this song to sleep?

8. My Humps - Black Eyed Peas
You have to respect lyrics that describe "lumps" as "lady" and "lovely" and advocate accepting gifts from multiple men, but still not allowing them to "do it on the daily." This is the theme song for every suburban proto kinderwhore aspiring to be a frigid ghetto princess. Who just wants to, you know, dance.

7. The Reason - Hoobastank
Like many songs on this list, it was fun the first 1.5 million times. Then. It. Got. Old. Doug Robb's whiny wailing and repetitive "and the reason is you" makes me want to not be a perfect person and do many things I wish I didn't do.

6. There for You - Rembrandts
Unlike the other songs on the list, this one has an annoying television show that goes with it and includes the second verse lyrics "No one could ever know me/No one could ever see me." If only that were true.

5. Fergalicious - Fergie
Stacy Ferguson's second appearance here! She clearly puts my list on rock, rock. She uses her time at the mike to inform us that A)"I ain't easy, I ain't sleazy." B)"My body stay vicious" and C)"It's so tasty, tasty, it'll make you crazy." Good to know, Stacy. I'm still waiting for a white female rapper with, uh, talent.

4. Achy Breaky Heart - Billy Ray Cyrus
BRC sings us a list of what you can tell to whom. But you can't tell his heart because it won't understand. I must admit that my internal circulatory organs also have trouble deciphering spoken messages. This song is responsible for every urban cowdouche in boots lining up to kick airshit on the dance floor. Mr. Cyrus, you've taken the Most Annoying Billy title away from Messrs. Carter and Clinton...

3. La Vida Loca - Ricky Martin
"She'll take away your pain like a bullet to your brain. Come On!" Come on, if I have to choose between hearing this song again or the bullet...

2. It's a Small World - Robert and Richard Sherman
This proves that, no matter where people come from, they have something in common: we all despise this song. Thanks, Disney. There's no world small enough.

And the number one most annoying song ever...

1. Macarena - Los Del Rio
This song and its accompanying choreography should be banned by the Geneva Convention as overtly cruel. I wouldn't inflict this on Osama Bin Laden. Watching middle-aged women invade the dance floor, put their hands behind their head, and dry hump the air is enough to make me want to take an Electric Slide to my testicles. I blame it all on (Los Del) Rio.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/13/07)

Monday, December 10, 2007

TOP TEN SIGNS DARCY IS TURNING FIFTY

Top Ten Signs Darcy is Turning Fifty

10. Now plays hockey with a cane

9. Then: Wine, women, and song
Now: Diet Coke, the old lady, and TV

8. Hot tub filled with Metamucil

7. Has to limit himself to one kid every ten years

6. Then: Proud Son of the Tundra earning worthless Canadian dollars
Now: Smog-sucking GuadaLaHabran earning worthless American dollars

5. Has to wait two or three hours before he can high-stick again

4. Leaves drool and gum marks on all the See's Candy

3. Then: Wore an athletic supporter under his hockey uniform to guard against any accidents
Now: Wears Depens under his hockey uniform to guard against any accidents

2. Really misses Sanka, Ethyl gasoline, and typewriters

And the number one sign Darcy is turning fifty...

1. Can't remember where he shot his puck

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/04/07)

Friday, December 07, 2007

TOP TEN BRITISH WORDS I LEARNED IN ENGLAND

Top Ten British Words I Learned in England

10. Sultana: This is what they call raisins. I guess dried grapes look like little female sultans...

9. Roquette: Pronounced "rocket" it means lettuce. According to Wikipedia "Roquette is a French word meaning rocket or arugula, and is sometimes employed in English cooking terminology." And if it's on Wikipedia, you know it's true.

8. Twat: a stupid or silly person. It can also mean female genitalia.

7. Fanny: female genitalia. Your rear end is called a "bum." Fanny packs in England are called "bum packs."

6. Pudding: a generic term for any kind of dessert. Petits fors are pudding, donuts are pudding, pudding is pudding. How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?

5.
Chili Con Carne: speaking of meat this dish in the U.S. is mostly beans with a little bit of beef, the British version is mostly meat with a few beans. Also, they serve it over white rice. I am not making this up and I took a picture to prove it. And I would consider this a Southern regional dish associated with Texas. The British consider this authentic Mexican food.

4. Crisps: potato chips or corn chips that come in a bag. Doritos are crisps. Go here for a Top Ten List of British crisp flavors...

3. Chips: French fries. Or freedom fries if you are a twat.

2. Lemonade: not fresh-squeezed lemon juice spiked with sugar, but a generic term for 7-Up. I witnessed British men on a golf course mixing a half pint of Samuel Adams beer and a half pint of 7-Up and drinking it. I kid you not.

And the number one British word I learned in England...

1. Slapper: woman on the prowl for anything she can get. Anything. Slappers wander around the dance floor looking for the drunkest blokes and then woo them by dancing backwards into them "accidentally." They are invariably spotted at the end of an evening telling the bouncer how lonely they are and trying to sit on his knee.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/07/07)

And the alternates...

Gin Palace: a large ostentatious pleasure craft, such as a luxury yacht, typically moored in a marina and used for outdoor entertaining and leisure, normally involving alcoholic drinks

Naff: tacky. "Look at the slapper on that naff gin palace."

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

ROHRBLOGGER OUT!

Yo,

I'm off to celebrate my cousin's nuptials in London, England. That's right, my California cousin has gone all Madonna and is marrying a nice British chap. No doubt she'll be adopting kids from Africa soon. But that's another blog post.

If I have your surface mailing address, your Christmas card this year will be postmarked from across The Pond. If you want to be on my surface mailing list, send me your whereabouts at rohrblogger(at)gmail(dot)com.

For now enjoy Thanksgiving, and I'll list at ya later...

-Jason Rohrblogger

Sunday, November 11, 2007

STRIPPER NAME GENERATOR

Sorry about the huge empty space in this post! Apparently Blogger doesn't like my table code...

Stripper Name Generator

Pick one from Column A, one from Column B, and one from Column C. You'll be paying the rent with your pole skills in no time. Click here to begin...





















































































-A- -B- -C-
ChestyDazzleTush
FantasiaGlitterKiss
BambiPassionThong
DallasLeatherLick
BunnyShimmerThighs
CinnamonSpankHips
DiamondLustySizzle
KittyDeepFire
SugarTightBomb
SapphireHeavenJuice
BlazeRazorWhip
PrincessDreamCherry
BrandyAppleWine
MontanaNightJuggs
AngelVelvetCheeks
IsisMeadowHorn
StarrTickleButton
TrixiebelleSparkleHiney
CandySilverTongue


-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/11/07)

Thursday, November 08, 2007

TOP TEN RELATIONSHIP QUOTES

Top Ten Relationship Quotes

10. "I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
-Tom Clancy

9. "You know 'that look' women get when they want sex? Me neither."
-Steve Martin

8. "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
-Woody Allen

7. "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
-Rodney Dangerfield

6. "There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
-Lynn Lavner

5. "Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist."
-Matt Barry

4. "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
-Rod Stewart

3. "Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
-George Burns

2. "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
-Sharon Stone

And the number one relationship quote...

1. "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
-Robin Williams

-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/07/07)

And the alternates...

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading."
-Steve Jobs

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
-Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
-Barbara Bush

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
-Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
-Roseanne

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
-Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
-Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
-Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked.'"
-Jerry Seinfeld

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
-George Burns

Monday, November 05, 2007

TOP TEN REJECTED SUPER HEROES

Top Ten Rejected Super Heroes

10. Ovulatrix

9. Flagella

8. Adjuster

7. Taxman

6. Pseudopod

5. Broker of Doom

4. Suporn

3. Meme

2. Masturbator

And the number one rejected super hero...

1. Haxxor

-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/05/05)

Friday, November 02, 2007

TOP TEN SIGNS JASON'S COMPUTER HAS THE STORM SUPERWORM

Top Ten Signs Jason's Computer has the Storm Superworm

10. Have to type wearing a surgical mask, gloves, and condom

9. Profits at online gambling houses plummet

8. More pop-ups than Whac-a-Mole

7. Constant stream of hairless Asian midget porn replaced with Blue Screen of Death

6. BIOS corrupted

5. E-mail now distributed by smoke signals and cave paintings

4. ISSE.exe subroutine 30% slower

3. Have to read Britney news in archaic newspaper form

2. Fine operating system normally booted replaced with Folger's Crystals

And the number one sign Jason's computer has the Storm superworm...

1. Use of Computer Bat up 75%

-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/02/07)

And the alternates...

Will have to resort to actually speaking with friends and family soon
About to get fired for sending Amway Party Evites from work
Blog now updated once every election year

Saturday, October 27, 2007

TOP TEN REJECTED JACK-O-LANTERNS

Top Ten Rejected Jack-o-lanterns

10.


9.


8.


7.


6.


5.


4.


3.


2.


And the number one rejected Jack-o-lantern...

1.


-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/07/07)

And the alternates...



















Tuesday, October 23, 2007

TOP TEN REASONS PETS HATE HALLOWEEN

Top Ten Reasons Pets Hate Halloween

10.


9.


8.


7.


6.


5.


4.


3.


2.


And the number one reason pets hate Halloween...

1.


-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/23/07)

And the alternates...



















Wednesday, October 17, 2007

TOP TEN REJECTED MUPPETS

Top Ten Rejected Muppets

10. Preachy Keen

9. Miss Ciggy

8. Manimal

7. Reeker

6. Fuzzy Beer

5. Fraggle Crack

4. Gunzo

3. Buffalo Wing

2. Noduh

And the number one rejected Muppet...

1. Kermit the Hog

-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/17/07)

Sunday, October 14, 2007

TOP TEN METRIC PERVERSIONS

I love me some forwarded e-mail spam...

Top Ten Metric Perversions

10. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi

9. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond

8. Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram

7. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong

6. 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 lite year

5. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling

4. Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon

3. 1000 aches: 1 megahurtz

2. Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower

And the number one metric perversion...

1. Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line

-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/14/07)

And the alternates...

453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake
1 million-million microphones: 1 megaphone
1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles
365.25 days: 1 unicycle
2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds
10 cards: 1 decacards
1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton
1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen
1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche
1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin
10 rations:1 decoration
100 rations: 1 C-ration
2 monograms: 1 diagram
8 nickels: 2 paradigms
2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1
I.V. League
2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope

Thursday, October 11, 2007

TOP TEN PROJECTS IN DEVELOPMENT AT CAESAR'S PALACE

Top Ten Projects in Development at Caesar's Palace

10. A showgirl with 2to1 odds

9. Drive-thrulette

8. A roasted peasant on the same plate as a steak: serf and turf

7. Blackjack table with a mortgage-payment minimum bet

6. Pimp Cocktail

5. Urinal-mounted hold 'em dealers

4. Downscale Mason Jar-tini

3. Hot poker chip massage

2. Loosest craps in town

And the number one project in development at Caesar's Palace...

1. Paris Hilton-themed slut machines

-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/11/05)

Monday, October 08, 2007

TOP TEN REJECTED BIBLE ONE-LINERS

Top Ten Rejected Bible One-liners

10. Q: What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
A: Ruthless

9. Q: What do they call pastors in Germany?
A: German Shepherds

8. Q: Who was the greatest male financier in the Bible?
A: Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation

7. Q: Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A: Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet

6. Q: What kind of cars are in the Bible?
A: Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord

5. Q: Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A: Samson. He brought the house down

4. Q: What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A: Your mother ate us out of house and home

3. Q: Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A: Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once

2. Q: Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A: The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing

And the number one rejected bible one-liner...

1. Q: Who was the first tennis player in the bible?
A: Joseph. He served in Pharaoh's court

-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/07/07)

And the alternates...

Q: Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A: David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep

Q: Which Bible character had no parents?
A: Joshua, son of Nun

Q: Why didn't they play cards on the Ark?
A: Because Noah was standing on the deck

Q: Did you know it's a sin for a woman to make coffee?
A: In the Bible it says,"He-brews"

Friday, October 05, 2007

TOP TEN REJECTED HIGH-EMISSION VEHICLE NAMES

Top Ten Rejected High-Emission Vehicle Names

10. Volkswagen Fahrt

9. Hyundai Expel

8. Subaru Braaap

7. Chevy Gastro Van

6. Ford Flatus

5. Chevy Smel Aire

4. Acura Ejecta

3. Dodge Vapor

2. Geo Rectum

And the number one rejected high-emission vehicle name...

1. Mini Pooper

-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/08/04)

And the alternates...

Buick Rendez-poo
Cadillac DeSmelle
Mercedes Movement
Chevy Tail Blazer
Chrysler Seeping
PU Cruiser
Cadillac Asscalade
Plymouth Gentle Breeze
Geo Spasm
Toyota Puttputt
Citroen Void
Opel Oder
Saturn Silent-but-deadly
BMW Bowel
Ford Funk
Scion Scat
Pontiac Pucker
Toyota Turtle Head
Buick Burp
Isuzu Pooper
Hummer Bumair
Ford Musty
Dodge Doo-rango
Dodge Grand Contraction
Ford Expulsion
GMC Yuckon
Honda Emanate
Hyundai Ass-scent
Mitsubishi Emit
Aston Farten

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU NEED A NEW JOB

Top Ten Signs You Need a New Job

10. You can't look at your boss without envisioning crosshairs on her forehead. And you are self-employed.

9. After taxes your last paycheck was negative. You actually owed them $46.73.

8. The third girl from your department is out on family leave this week. Not only are you going to have to pick up all of the slack, those three child support payments are going to hurt.

7. If your wages get any more garnished, they'll be an entrée.

6. They page you over the intercom as "Mr. Goat. Mr. Scape Goat."

5. You are running out of orifices to hide the heroin.

4. Your supervisor gently reminds you, "These detainees aren't going to sexually humiliate themselves."

3. Your benefits include unlimited time on the heart-lung machine.

2. They've replaced the fine coffee normally served with Folger's Crystals.

And the number one sign you need a new job...

1. Your embezzlement only brings in a few extra dollars now that the company is on the brink of bankruptcy.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/07/04)

And the alternates...
Your cube-mate just learned how to fly a plane, but not how to land.
Arthur Miller wrote a play about you.
You can't get any sleep with all that manufacturing going on.
A meeting with your boss costs $25.00, same as downtown.
The medical board no longer recognizes your residency under Dr. Mengele.
You hate the smell of Napalm in the morning.
Your wife makes more money than you and she's dead.
You are up for re-election.
You were originally appointed by Nixon.

Saturday, September 29, 2007

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU WORK IN A BAD OFFICE

Top Ten Signs You Work in a Bad Office

10. 401K statements look suspiciously like lottery tickets

9. Three words: clothing-optional Fridays

8. Daycare facilities provided by Neverland Ranch Child Services

7. Steady flow of co-workers leaving to take jobs at local suppository testing lab

6. Office holiday party entertainment: Vanilla Ice

5. Sensitivity training seminars involve fishnet stockings and a riding crop

4. Male employees favor spiked collars in lieu of ties

3. In a cost-cutting move, management replaces your computer monitor with an Etch-a-Sketch

2. Hammocks strung from cubicles so commuting doesn't cut into overtime

And the number one sign you work in a bad office...

1. Company president is on a first-name basis with the reporters from "60 Minutes"

-Jason Rohrblogger and Ken Bloggerts
(04/02/05)

And the alternates...

Floating holidays have to actually be taken on a boat
The head stylist is Kenneth Lay and the head accountant is Martha Stewart
Fine coffee normally served is replaced with crack cocaine
Each floor has a Twelve-Jumpers-or-Less express window
Fax machine is really just a homeless guy making drunken modem noises
Boss always insisting you "get a haircut" and you are bald
Can't get that "old man smell" out of the boardroom
IT Department just upgraded to smoke signals and cave paintings
The only perks are coming from the coffee machine
Office pool covers who will get the next intern pregnant
All members of office softball team test positive for steroids, beer, and herpes
Women's restroom has a silver pole and coconut body spray
"Mad Dog" from HR tattoos your performance review to your forehead
Boss seeking internal candidates to fill "Assistant Crack Whore" position
Time clocks used to access rest rooms
Company president always wearing strange-looking ankle bracelet

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

TOP TEN BREAKFAST CEREALS IN IRAQ

Top Ten Breakfast Cereals in Iraq

10. Blasted Mini-Wheats

9. Count Burkhula

8. Rear Admiral Crunch

7. Goat Flakes

6. Special A-K

5. Sugar Corn Sand

4. Weapons of Ass Destruction

3. Kellogg's Bran & Root

2. Ricin Krispies

And the number one breakfast cereal in Iraq...

1. Shredded Wheat 'n Credibility

-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/06/04)

And the alternates...

Kern'l Crunch
Rocket Propelled Granola
Kicks
10-to-Life Cereal
Nut'n Funny
Total...Destruction
Spider Holies
Hostage Berries
Ricin Bran
Baghdadios
Kurds 'n' Honey
Tony the Tigris
Hans Trix
Blix Chex
Meusli-potamia
Hans MeusBlix
Allahu Akberry
Cocoa Bombs
Sand Lice Krispies

Sunday, September 23, 2007

TOP TEN REJECTED TALIBAN DOOMSDAY DEVICES

Top Ten Rejected Taliban Doomsday Devices

10. Whimsical Mohammed-shaped Jell-O mold full 'o plague

9. Goat with bad gas and a match

8. Crop duster filled with Mariah Carey CD's

7. Sneak up behind NFL Coach Bill Belichick. Dump cold bucket of anthrax on his head at end of fourth quarter.

6. Field Islamic fundamentalist boy band, *N Laden

5. Replace president of the United States with Folger's Crystals. See if anyone notices

4. Bomb a Kathy Lee Gifford concert

3. Hijack Oprah Winfrey. Force book club to read Koran.

2. Character-assassinate beloved American sports hero O.J. Simpson

And the number one rejected Taliban doomsday device...

1. Give Taliban spokesman Mohammed Mujahara own late night talk show on Al Jazeera network. Watch with glee as Conan O'Brien ratings plummet.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(09/25/01)

Ah la la la la la la la la la la la la la

Thursday, September 20, 2007

TOP TEN OSAMA BIN LADEN TURN-ONS

Top Ten Osama Bin Laden Turn-ons

10. A woman with high mountains and deep, deep caves

9. The smell of Anthrax in the morning

8. Nearsighted pilots

7. Wives three through six

6. Collateral damage

5. Polka night at the mosque

4. Naughty Bedouins who need discipline

3. A warm Afghan on a cold Sunday morning

2. Full frontally exposed embassies

And the number one Osama Bin Laden turn-on...

1. When the B-52's buzz his love shack

-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/10/02)

Monday, September 17, 2007

TOP TEN THINGS THAT ARE GOOD

Top Ten Things that Are Good

10. Steak

9. Guns n' Roses

8. Competition in a free market

7. The Daily Show

6. Finding twenty bucks in an old pair of jeans

5. Kate Winslet

4. E-mail

3. Booze

2. Movies

And the number one thing that is good...

1. Boobs

-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/19/07)

Friday, September 14, 2007

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH JASON

Top Ten Signs You Are in Love with Jason

10. You ask, "How do I love thee? Let me count the ways." But you only list the top ten.

9. Your twin girls are named Rohrie and Jasina.

8. You leave a trail of chicken wings and whiskey from your front door to your boudoir.

7. You find yourself wrecking two or three cars a day.

6. You are exhausted, and your hands are sore...from a hot night of e-mail.

5. You legally change your sign to Pisces.

4. You believe his lame jokes are filled with secret messages for you.

3. Your answering machine announces: "If this is Jason calling, stay on the line until I can get home and pick up the phone!"

2. You put posters of him right up over your old posters of Andy Dick.

And the number one sign you are in love with Jason...

1. Favorite Spice Girl? Jason.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(01/18/99)

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

TOP TEN AMERICAN MOVIES

Top Ten American Movies

10. Pie

9. Gigolo

8. Gangster

7. Me

6. Splendor

5. Beauty

4. Graffiti

3. History X

2. Psycho

And the number one American movie...

1. Werewolf in London

-Jason Rohrblogger
(09/11/07)

And the alternates...

President
Tail

Saturday, September 08, 2007

TOP TEN BARS IN IRAQ

Top Ten Bars in Iraq

10. The Crator

9. I Can't Believe It's Not Liquor

8. Bobby McKurd's

7. The Gas Factory

6. Molotov's

5. Ankles (Formerly Hooters)

4. Carlos Muhammad's

3. Bedouin Bootleg Booze Bunker

2. The Camel's Hump

And the number one bar in Iraq...

1. Bombed In Baghdad

-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/17/98)

And the alternate...

IEDFriday's

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

TALIBAN STARTER KIT

Taliban Starter Kit
So you say you want a Revolution?
Avoid these common mistakes on your road to Hell...

YOU WORSHIP:
GOOD: Allah
BETTER: Hitler
BAD: Bill Gates

YOUR SECT:
GOOD: Sunni
BETTER: Shi'ite
BAD: Webelo

YOUR GOAL:
GOOD: Punish infidels
BETTER: Worldwide ethnic cleansing
BAD: Convert Paris Hilton to Islam

YOU WERE KICKED OUT OF:
GOOD: Prison
BETTER: Iraq
BAD: Weight Watchers

YOU ARE ANGERED BY:
GOOD: Occupation of Palestine
BETTER: Endemic marginalization of Muslim values
BAD: John Travolta's last three movies

YOU WENT TO SCHOOL AT:
GOOD: University of Cairo
BETTER: Riyadh Seminary
BAD: UC Humboldt

YOUR WORK HAS BEEN PRAISED BY:
GOOD: Carlos the Jackal
BETTER: Kim Jong-il
BAD: Ebert & Roeper

YOU WANT TO LIBERATE:
GOOD: Mecca
BETTER: Palestine
BAD: Jenna Bush

YOUR CADRE:
GOOD: Mujahideen
BETTER: Hezbollah
BAD: Ayatollah of Rock 'n Rollah

YOU EAT:
GOOD: Wild mountain goat
BETTER: The flesh of your ememies
BAD: Wasabi salmon en croute avec beurre blanc

YOU WANT TO LIVE:
GOOD: Hiding in the caves of Afghanistan
BETTER: Fighting along side your Mujahideen brothers
BAD: Adrble 2+2 crftsmn charmer w/ grt vu

YOU WANT TO DIE:
GOOD: With a handful of Cyanide in a burned-out bunker
BETTER: In a hail of U.S. missile fire
BAD: At the Chateau Marmont under a pile of coke and hookers

-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/15/01)

Sunday, September 02, 2007

TOP TEN REJECTED MOB NICKNAMES

Top Ten Rejected Mob Nicknames

10. Marco "Trixiebelle Sparkle" Battaglia

9. Joseph "Halitosis" Toscano

8. Nicky "Nickyname" Bastoli

7. Pauly "Smells Like Teen Spirit" Brancato

6. Anthony "Tony Baloney" Provenza

5. Vincenzo "Panty Liner" Mastrozano

4. Frankie "Cap'n Crunch" Capicola

3. Salvatore "Dances with Wolves" Roselli

2. Snitchy "The Talker" Cooperatti

And the number one rejected mob nickname...

1. Jason "The Hack" Rohrblogger

-Jason Rohrblogger
(09/02/07)

And the alternates...

Louis "Asshat" Giannini
Cesare "Sissy Boy" Bianchi
Tommy "Sharquanda" Cielo
Jack "Small Penis" Milano
Don "Wingnut" Rumsfeld
Jimmy "Closeted Homosexual" Colucci
Sergio "Free Pass" Fulgencio
Al "Gender Reassignment" Gennaro
Benito "Insecure" Balducci
Henry "Number Three with a Diet Coke" Pescadero
Victor "Just Hold Me" Scarfo
Carmine "Silly Rabbit" Baratta

Monday, August 27, 2007

TOP TEN THINGS YOU WILL NEVER HEAR JASON SAY

Top Ten Things You Will Never Hear Jason Say

10. This shirt is sooo last season. I think I'll go out on my own and buy something more up to date.

9. Sorry I'm late, I was traveling at a safe rate of speed for the conditions.

8. ...that's when I realized I had scheduled TWO dates last Saturday...

7. I'll just leave this extra tequila for the host of the party.

6. I reassured her that small breasts and no ass were really attractive.

5. I'd like a veggie burger...soy milk...and carrot sticks...to go...

4. Just got off the phone with my father and...

3. I find Kubrick's violence towards women as distasteful as the graphic male-oriented lesbian pornography that undermines our Christian nation.

2. Once I get the doublewide set up in Marana, Grandma can just move in with me.

And the number one thing you will never hear Jason say...

1. My level headedness is only matched by my dedication to this job, sir.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(04/14/99)

Saturday, August 25, 2007

DAD'S ON A RAVE AGAIN

Bryan over at Dad's on a Rant Again has kindly linked to my Top Ten Rejected Cars in the Star Wars Universe and Top Ten Pornographic Images for Women posts.

Thanks for the shout out, Bryan!

-Rohrblogger

Friday, August 24, 2007

TOP TEN REJECTED CARS IN THE STAR WARS UNIVERSE

Top Ten Rejected Cars in the Star Wars Universe

10. Volkswagen Jedi

9. Ford Millennium Falcon

8. Buick Skywalker

7. Dodge Darth

6. Jar Jarmann Ghia

5. Jetta the Hutt

4. Plymouth Rebel Alliance K

3. Mazda Miara Jade

2. X-Wing Spyder

And the number one rejected car in the Star Wars Universe...

1. Isuzu Storm Trooper

-Jason Rohrblogger
(08/24/07)

And the alternates...

Mercury Coruscant
Boba Jetta
Darth Scion
Grand Caravan Tarkin
Toyota MR2-D2
Pontiac Amidala
Ford Galaxy Far, Far Away

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

THROUGH. THE. ROOF.

Huge thanks to Spicy Pants who linked to my Top Ten Pornographic Images for Women post! Spicy has, like, the the largest readership EVER. Her link has TRIPLED my all-time record for page loads in one day. Incredible.

Also have to send love to Yoshie who found me "über funny." And big ups to the fine ladies at the Lifetime Moments message board for linking to the gender-related hilarity.

Hold that thought a second. I want to pull over and ask for directions....

-Jason Rohrblogger

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

TOP TEN PORNOGRAPHIC IMAGES FOR WOMEN

Top Ten Pornographic Images for Women

10.


9.

I don't have to have a reason to bring you flowers.

8.

Is that the baby? I'll get her.

7.

Ooh, look, the NFL playoffs are today. I'll bet we'll have no trouble parking at the crafts fair.

6.

I don't want anyone "falling in" in the middle of the night.

5.

I know. Let's take you shoe shopping!

4.

As long as I have legs to walk on, you'll never have to take out the garbage.

3.

I made some Niman Ranch lamb tenderloin with garlic, back pepper, and Indonesian soy sauce for dinner. I hope that sounds OK.

2.

I like to get these things before I have to be asked.

And the number one pornographic image for women...

1.

Hold that thought a second. I want to pull over and ask for directions.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(08/21/07)