Wednesday, December 29, 2010


Note: Los Angeles has had unprecedented precipitation breaking all records for the month of December. Herewith are my...

Top Ten Rain One Liners

10. The rain is so bad I just got pulled over by the Coast Guard on the 405 Freeway

9. I was cited for not having enough life jackets in my Corolla

8. The rain is so bad the carpool lane has a diving board

7. The rain is so bad that Christopher Cross song doesn't sound so relaxing anymore

6. There is so much water in the sky, I saw a bird wearing swim fins

5. The water table is up to my kitchen table

4. The rain is so bad my rainbow sank

3. The rain is so bad McDonald's has a swim-thru window

2. The rain is so bad Jay Leno is driving a fleet of submarines

And the number one rain one liner...

1. The rain is so bad George W. Bush is sending Michel D. Brown to see what all the hubbub is about

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternates...

Kevin Costner just green lit a Water World sequel
Nemo found at a Lakers game
Little Mermaid no longer wishing for legs
Live crabs at Red Lobster make a break for it
Ke$ha finally caught in a shower
Tommy Chong high, but not dry
Endless parade of Hummers have a reason for three feet of ground clearance
Graffiti completely washed from the concrete walls of the Los Angeles River
Paparazzi using periscopes
Noah Wyle seen building an ark
Deadliest Catch shot in South Central
Variety declares: "Drought Out! Fins in!"
LAX only open to Hydroplanes
Real Estate literally underwater

Thursday, December 23, 2010


Top Ten Rejected Christmas Television Specials

10. A Very Special Awkward Aunt Meets Drunken Uncle Christmas

9. A Very Special Ludachristmas

8. Mediocre Mel's Very Average Christmas

7. Behind the North Pole

6. You're No Longer Relevant, Charlie Brown

5. A Very Special Muslim Mouse Meets Christian Cat

4. Pope Benediddy's Xtreme Xmas Rockin' Eve!

3. How the Grinch Stole $500 Billion in Unsecured Stock Derivatives

2. Bethlehem Idol

And the number one rejected Christmas television special...

1. Rabbi Shmuley Boteach's Claymation Dradle-fest 2010

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternates...

A Very Special Happy Holidays from Salem Sally the Procrastinating Witch Who Should Have Had Her Special Out in Time for Halloween

The Littlest Prostitute

Chrizzy in the Hizzy: MC Screwj Bitch Slaps Christmas

Blitzen in Lockdown: A North Pole Prison Tail

4.5% Amortized 'til New Years: The Federal Reserve Saves Christmas

A Very Special Home Invasion

Year Without a Santa Clause, Easter Bunny, or Tooth Fairy

A Kwanzaa Karol

101st Reindeer Airborne take Tora Bora for Baby Jesus

For Whom the Sleigh Bell Tolls

Monday, December 20, 2010


Santa's Top Ten Rejected Reindeer

10. Boner

9. Blitzed

8. Surly

7. Vexed

6. Lazy

5. Rudolph the Red Nosed Giuliani

4. Basher

3. Hesher

2. Sneezy

And Santa's number one rejected reindeer...

1. Snoop Doggy Deer

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternates...

Sauer Kraut
Inky, Dinky, Binky, Clyde

Friday, December 17, 2010


Here's another one of those stupid quizzes I love.

FAVE SONG: Baby Got Back (I like big butts and I cannot lie)


GENTS: GINGER OR MARYANN? Ginger was a slut! I pick Ginger...

FAVE QUOTE: "Let me show you where."

TELL ME A SECRET, C'MON: My anaconda don't want none unless you got buns, hon.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVE FOOD? Lobster stuffed inside filet mignon stuffed inside a paté of duck liver

DESCRIBE YOUR IDEAL MATE: Chainsmoking librarian who owns a liquor store

IF YOU COULD CHANGE ANYTHING ABOUT YOURSELF WHAT WOULD IT BE? I would tone down my extreme sexiness one notch



EVER HAD A CRUSH ON A FRIEND? And a couple of enemies

ANY FOREIGN LANGUAGES? I'm fluent in colloquial Swahili

FAVE WORD? Bitches

WORDS OF WISDOM?: Cut the red wire



SAY SOMETHING NICE ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU: Jennifer you rock and you rock and you don't stop

-Jason Rohrblogger

Tuesday, December 14, 2010


Top Ten Politically Correct Christmas Carols

10. Frosty the Snowperson

9. I'm Dreaming of a Multicultural Christmas

8. O Come Let us Adore Him or Her

7. Jolly Mature Morally-Gifted Nicholas

6. Rudolph the Recovering-Alcoholic Reindeer-American

5. Vertically Challenged Drummer Child of Undetermined Gender

4. Oh Holiday Tree

3. Have Yourself a Merry Little Day of Winter

2. Grandma Allegedly Got Run Over by a Non-Human Perpetrator

1. I'll be Home for a Short Period of Time in December

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternates...

Rudolph the Differently-abled Reindeer

Chestnuts Roasting on a Safely Maintained Continuously Monitored Nontoxic Eco-friendly Outdoor Fire for which I do Have a Permit

Higher Power Rest Ye Merry Gentlepeople

Deck the Halls with Boughs of Unendangered Foliage (If Office Policy Permits)

Hark! The Herald Mythical Winged Creature Sings

I Saw Mommy Greeting Santa Claus with a Purely Platonic Expression of Inoffensive Mutual Affection

We Wish You a Merry Non-Religious-Specific Day-Off in Winter

Oh Come all Ye of Extreme Loyalty to Non-Material Evidence

Oh Devout Night

O Little Town of Palestinian Joint Rule

We Three Misogynist Autocrats of Eastern Asia Are

Friday, December 10, 2010


Top Ten Rejected Euphemisms for Santa Going Down the Chimney

10. Gleaming the tube

9. The full Mary Poppins

8. Donning the sweet soot suite suit

7. Riding the fire

6. Smoking the hole

5. Chimnastics

4. Going on facebrick

3. Getting a piece of ash

2. Sucking the yule fuel

And the number one rejected euphemism for Santa going down the chimney...

1. Catching the flue

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternates...

Singeing Santa
Baking the beard
Sautéing the Saint
Roasting los regalos
Reindeer dropping
The jolly old Viking funeral
Lighting Santa's Cigarette
Cooking Father Christmas
Searing the sucker
Taking the hellivator
Cramming the gramps
Parachuting the pyre
Infiltrating the inferno
The Nocturnal Nick Knock
Sticking the stovepipe
Gerbaling the Jolly Elf
Sucking the soot cigar
Crawling the carbon cavern
Dunking in the dark drain
Thumbing the thermal throughway
The sleighride through central spark
Stalking the stockings
Reaming the resin
Cleaning the cough cave
Flying the furnace
Entering the exhaust
Crunching candy canes down Internal Combution Canyon
Bouncing down Backdraft Blvd
Up Soot Creek

Tuesday, December 07, 2010


Top Ten WikiLeaks Surprises

10. Angela Merkel secretly likes it when George W. Bush rubs her shoulders after a hard day at the summit

9. Hillary Clinton can never remember the name of that one dude from Kazakhstan. You know, the guy with the fez or the keffiyeh or the sarong or whatever.

8. Muammar Khadafi likes to feel pretty on the weekends

7. Vladimir Putin spends thirty hours a week looking at LOL cats

6. Fidel Castro really hates the U.S.

5. In May of 2009, Canada was six hours away from launching a full scale land invasion of Megan Fox before a settlement was reached for her to not star in any more Transformers movies

4. Belgium will waterboard it's own citizens after three unpaid parking tickets

3. Burmese Strongman Than Shwe has the worst garlic breath

2. Iran just wants to be held

And the number one WikiLeaks surprise...

1. Jimmy Carter once shanked a man over access to the Suez Canal

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternates...

Bill Clinton still has a top secret Russian nurse who handles all of his medicine

Mobutu Sese Seko can hang ten with Tom Hanks in Malibu on the righteous waves

The Kardashians are talentless hacks

The 'h' in Kathmandu is not silent

Sarah Palin is actually an Oxford-trained economist who just acts dumb so she will appeal to real Americans

Wednesday, November 03, 2010


Top Ten Ways to Quit Smoking

10. Smoke twenty joints in one day instead

9. Completely stop eating or having sex

8. Receive one pie in the face every time you light up (clowns only)

7. Freebase the nicotine

6. Exploding cigarettes

5. Warm turkey

4. Tongue-kiss Joe Camel every time you feel like a smoke

3. Switch to a bubble-pipe

2. Replace the fine tobacco normally served with Folger's Crystals

And the number one way to quit smoking...

1. Stop breathing

-Jason Rohrblogger

Tuesday, September 14, 2010


I have some friends with the last name Bobroff who are having a baby. They don't know the sex yet, but have solicited name suggestions...

Top Ten Baby Bobroff Names

10. Bobby (or Bobbi) Bobroff

9. Boris Bobroff

8. Yakov Smirnoff Chekhov Bobroff

7. SpongeBobroff SquareParents

6. Ninja Bobroff

5. David Hasselbobroff

4. Robert "Bob" Roff

3. Kneel Before Zodroff

2. Jayden Taylor Morgan Hailey Madison Aiden Logan Dylan Tyler Mason Landon Brayden Carter Hunter Dallas Conner Austin Blair Aydan Diego Brody Tristan Blake Hayden Colton Parker Addison Riley Heath Aubrey Peyton Brooke Mackenzie Regan Bailey Cooper Garth Avery Cameron Jordon Cole Mathis Callum Devin Quentin Caden Trinity Kylie Wyatt Zoe Cody Paige Bryce Carson Walker Sierra Chase Blaine Cheyenne Skylar Gavin Jackson Caleb Murphy Tate Madden Sloane Harper Vaughan Sherman Broseph Bobroff

And the number one baby Bobroff name...

1. Jason Rohrbobroff

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternates...

Professor Longhair
Big Chief
Canis Major
Posh Spice
Cinnamon Ginger
Keanu Matrix Point Break Speed
Long John

Sunday, September 05, 2010


My cousin, Stephanie, is spending four months on a ship traveling the world for Semester at Sea. She is blogging her experiences over at Stephanie at Sea, 2010. Here are...

Jason's Top Ten Fave Lines from Stephanie at Sea, 2010

10. "Fitting four months of 'stuff' in two bags is a very interesting process."

9. "[G]ladly leave behind my designer shoes that could have paid for another plane ticket in Viet Nam."

8. "Facing something new is such a crazy rush."

7. "I like this chair, I like this corner of the room, the light peeking out of the shutters is enticing."

6. "This opportunity to live and be alive is all I need."

5. "We had to pull a mission impossible to sneak all of us into this two person max room. After we settled in, we went to Tim Horton's for Iced Caps...a delicious Canadian must (especially in the Roy family)."

4. "It's nice to get away from the concrete that surrounds Southern California and take a breather on the coast."

3. "Keeping my mind in check really helps when trying to make this trip last for the exact amount of time that it needs to."

2. "Met up with our awesome crew [and] danced the night away."

And Jason's number one fave line from Stephanie at Sea, 2010...

1. "I am Stephanie Roy and I love life."

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternates...

"...[W]e run into four executives in dress suits who couldn't help but laugh as we frantically apologized for the hotel not supplying us towels. We made it back to the room out of breath and hysterical...."

"The blue of the ocean is not only blue, it is every shade of turquoise, light blue, dark blue, and blues in between."

"I will be getting the first hand, real experience, of living with a Moroccan family."

"My views on life are manifesting on this ship."

"I am starting to enjoy the rolling."

"We were parallel with the Big was huge! I saw at least four shooting stars. I know Grandpa is up there enjoying all of these experiences with me. It is so humbling to be on a small ship in the middle of the ocean with nothing but ocean and sky until the end of the earth."

"I miss that last hour to sleep in."

"Music is wonderful."

"Obviously by the flow of this post, my 23-hour days are getting a hold of me. Goodnight."

Thursday, August 26, 2010


Top Ten Signs You Are Spending Too Much Time on Facebook

10. Your kids are hungry, the lawn is dead, and mail spills out of the box, but your Farmville is blinged-out perfection

9. Haven't checked your boring old e-mail in six months

8. Spent the last three days looking at ancient yearbook photos, LOL cats, and recycled status updates

7. You feel the urge to tell the entire internet what kind of toilet paper you just used

6. You take caffeine as a helper-drug so you can do more Facebook

5. You've friended people's pets and all of their friends

4. You use friend as a verb

3. Your boss buys you lunch, and you shout, "Like! LOL! ♥ ♥ ♥!"

2. You suffer from coitus wall-post interuptus

And the number one sign you are spending too much time on Facebook...

1. Blogger who?

-Jason Rohrblogger

Wednesday, July 14, 2010


Top Ten Economy One-liners

The economy is so bad that...

10. I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail

9. African television stations are now showing "Sponsor an American Child" commercials

8. Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries

7. Exxon-Mobil laid off twenty-five Congressmen

6. The ATM gave me an IOU

5. McDonald's is selling the Quarter Ouncer

4. CEOs are now playing miniature golf

3. I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife

2. I bought a toaster oven and my free gift with purchase was a bank

And the number one economy one-liner...

1. My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, so they re-possessed her

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternates...

I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

A stripper was injured when her audience showered her with pennies

Barack Obama changed his slogan to "Maybe We Can"

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than General Motors

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico

Motel 6 won't leave the light on anymore

A picture is now only worth two-hundred words

Wall Street renamed "Wal-Mart Street"

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they have to share a room

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas taken over by Somali pirates

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America

I eat cereal with a fork to save milk

And two last economy jokes:

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, and retirement funds, I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck...

I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

Sunday, June 27, 2010


Jason makes Celebrity Smack again! I originally bought Crystal Head Vodka because of the cool bottle. Then I discovered it is really good vodka and it is imported by Dan Aykroyd! When I saw that he was going to have a bottle-signing event, I knew I would have to get a skull full o' booze signed for my fave gossip blogger, Spicy Pants, over at Celebrity Smack. We both started blogging in 2004(!) and have read each other for the last six years. Spicy is a fan of both vodka and Dan Aykroyd, so it was a perfect fit.

Thank you for the shout-out, Spicy! You know I can't wait to read what you post after a few slugs of skull juice! Ha!

-Jason Rohrblogger

Tuesday, June 01, 2010


Here you go, Karen...

Top Ten Birthday Quotes

10. To me, old age is always fifteen years older than I am.
-Bernard Baruch

9. I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
-Phyllis Diller

8. Like many women my age, I am 28-years-old.
-Mary Schmich

7. A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.
-Erma Bombeck

6. Old age isn't so bad when you consider the alternative.
-Maurice Chevalier

5. There is still no cure for the common birthday.
-John Glenn

4. You are only young once, but you can be immature for a lifetime.
-John P. Grier

3. People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.
-George Burns

2. Inside every older person is a younger person - wondering what the hell happened.
-Cora Harvey Armstrong

And the number one birthday quote...

1. A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.
-Robert Frost

-Jason Rohrblogger

Wednesday, May 26, 2010


A big thank-you to Jack over at Fat Jack's Erratic Rants for linking to my British Petroleum Excuses list and flooding my fragile bloglands with traffic. Thanks for the shout-out, Jack! May your shoreline be unsp-oil-ed and your coast ever clear.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010


Top Ten TV Show Titles that Describe My Life

10. 10 Things I Hate about You

9. Breaking Bad

8. Lie to Me

7. Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?

6. Laff-A-Lympics

5. The Bachelor

4. Biggest Loser

3. Jeopardy

2. Lost

And the number one TV show title that describes my life...

1. Clueless

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternates...

Diff'rent Strokes
Have Gun - Will Travel
Yes, Dear
Good Times
The Twilight Zone
Mission: Impossible

Saturday, May 22, 2010


Top Ten Signs You are Spending Too Much Time in Traffic

10. No blood in your butt

9. You've gone three blocks in the last hour

8. Your family celebrated their last four Christmases in the passenger seat

7. Red light camera has more pictures of you than Facebook

6. Your DNA is now 50% exhaust

5. Waited so long to clear the intersection, your tags have expired

4. Completely out of ammo (Los Angeles only)

3. A crippled three-toed sloth stopped for a nap and still beat you to the light

2. Traffic report is thirty seconds of the DJ screaming obscenities and questioning the existence of a cruel God who mocks our very attempts at transportation

And the number one sign you are spending too much time in traffic...

1. Have just enough time to fuel up between drive-thrus

-Jason Rohrblogger

Tuesday, May 18, 2010


Top Ten British Petroleum Excuses

10. Oil tankers burn fuel and pollute. Trying to deliver crude oil to the shore by all-natural wave action instead

9. Saved enough money on safety equipment to buy three U.S. senators

8. Delicate Gulf Coast ecosystem had it coming

7. Thought Americans would be too distracted by Big Macs and Coca-Cola to notice

6. Daniel Day Lewis drank their milkshake

5. I mean, it's bad, but it's no Katrina. Am I right?

4. Heard Sarah Palin saying "Spill, baby, spill..."

3. Attempting to break record for world's largest tarball party

2. Believed shrimp appetizers at Chili's needed more oil in them

And the number one British Petroleum excuse...

1. It's a Presidents Day safety valve BLOWOUT! This weekend ALL safety valves MUST go! Backup valves, bivalves, even heart valves! Everything is being blown out the door! Gallons of oil, deepwater rigs, and rusty drill bits will be released to the public at ROCK BOTTOM prices! Coral reefs, shoreline habitats, and oyster beds will be UTTERLY DESTROYED by our insane basement blowout MADNESS! Look for the fire on the water and smoke in the sky! This blowout is so popular, BP has extended it for the rest of the SUMMER! This Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, our safety valves have failed and we pass the crude on to you! We must be crazy to be giving unprocessed hydrocarbons away at these prices! This. Summer. Only! C'mon down to Crazy BP's safety valve-tacular. It's distasterrific!

-Jason Rohrblogger

Saturday, May 15, 2010


Top Ten Vodkas

10. Skyy

9. Russian Standard

8. Smirnoff

7. Cîroc

6. Stolichnaya

5. Absolut

4. Belvedere

3. Grey Goose

2. Crystal Head

And the number one vodka...

1. Ketel One

-Jason Rohrblogger

Sunday, May 09, 2010


Top Ten Rejected Books of the Bible

10. The Gospel According to Moishe

9. Genesis without Phil Collins

8. Numb3rs

7. Ruth Does Gomorrah

6. The Song of Solomon Remains the Same

5. Paul's Letter to the Rastafarians

4. Hebruise

3. Jerusalem Idol

2. Jesus' Top Ten Sermons

And the number one rejected book of the Bible...

1. Bill and Ted's Bogus Gospel

-Jason Rohrblogger

Thursday, May 06, 2010


Top Ten Signs Your Car Bomb is a Dud

10. While festive, filling your payload with silly string and confetti will not increase the impact

9. Your manure is homemade

8. You insist on removing the propane tanks to make room for your kickin' speakerbox

7. Clown car holds two hundred hilarious martyrs, but no detonator

6. Mini Cooper = mini boomer

5. The brakes go out on your Toyota ScudRunner before you can even get it to the infidel target

4. Timer set to go off at midnight February 30th, 2011

3. Entire warhead is a dashboard Jesus strapped to an M-80

2. Fine nitrates normally ignited replaced with Folger's Crystals

And the number one sign your car bomb is a dud...

1. Acme Manhat-o-splode designed by Shaikh Wahile-i-Khyote

-Jason Rohrblogger

Monday, May 03, 2010


Top Ten Rejected Men's Magazines

10. Unpopular Mechanics

9. Economy Car Digest

8. Cosmo Kramer Politan

7. Gentlemen's Bicentennially

6. Playbill

5. Flomaxim

4. Sissyboy

3. Feeled and Scream

2. Gynecomastia Weakly

And the number one rejected men's magazine...

1. Martha Stewart Handgun Collection

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternates...

American Male Cheerleader
Tiger Woods Beat
Teen Rogue

Friday, April 30, 2010


A big thank-you to Spicy Pants over at Celebrity Smack for linking to my Pope Benedict Excuses list and blowing up my stats like Sandra Bullock's marriage! Celebrity Smack is a daily visit for me as Spicy expounds on all things gossip. Check it, fool!

Thank you for the blog love, Spicy Pants!

-Jason Rohrblogger

Tuesday, April 27, 2010


Top Ten Pope Benedict Excuses

10. Those altar boys were asking for it the way they were wearing those vestments

9. A few bad apostles are spoiling the whole church

8. Clerical error

7. All these issues happened in the past and there is no more abuse going on today

6. Should have never canonized St. Peter Asty

5. Per papal doctrine, abused children were never forced to get abortions

4. For easier identification, priests now required to carry candy and drive windowless vans

3. Just trying to keep up with the Mormons

2. What's a little sacrament in the vestibule among friends? Wink-wink

And the number one Pope Benedict excuse...

1. So confident that the problems are fixed, Pope Benedict is sending his own son off to the seminary

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternate...

Would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for those meddling kids!

Saturday, April 24, 2010


Top Ten Ladies

10. Godiva

9. Bird Johnson

8. In Waiting

7. Luck

6. Fingers

5. Chatterly's Lover

4. Bug

3. Liberty

2. Madonna

And the number one lady...

1. Diana

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternates...

In Red
Jane Grey
Elaine Fairchild
Foot Locker
Lay, Lay Across My Big Brass Bed
's Room
Smith Black Mambazo
Sings the Blues

Wednesday, April 21, 2010


Top Ten Goldman Sachs Excuses

10. Thought working folks would be more willing to give up their pension plans to fund executive bonuses

9. Sachs of gold were getting low

8. Volcano in Europe caused them to take bad risks

7. Merely made a fraudian slip

6. Don't believe the children are our future

5. Ex junk bond junkies getting high on toxic mortgages, what could go wrong?

4. Got online MBA from Hurvurd Univarsity

3. Don't hate the player, hate the game

2. Replaced the fine investments normally sold with Folger's Crystals

And the number one Goldman Sachs excuse...

1. Their congressmen got repossessed once they stopped making payments

-Jason Rohrblogger

Thursday, April 15, 2010


Top Ten Rejected Taverns

10. DUI Fridays

9. Derivatives

8. Owl's

7. Archie's Bunker

6. Molester's

5. Mile Fifteen Gas-n-Chug

4. Messiah's

3. Bad News Beers

2. O'Guilty's

And the number one rejected tavern...

1. Osama's Hideaway

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternate...

Culpa Cabana

Monday, April 12, 2010


Top Ten Rejected Prom Themes

10. Voyage to the Bottom of My Pants

9. Almost Pregnant

8. The Mourning After

7. Fleeting Youth

6. Thirty Seconds to Blast Off

5. Awkward Fumbling

4. Parental Consent

3. A Strong Heart for the Lord

2. Prenatal Care

And the number one rejected prom theme...

1. Xtreme Sobriety

-Jason Rohrblogger

Friday, April 09, 2010


Top Ten Signs California is Bankrupt

10. Retirees now given a handshake and a can of soup

9. Elementary schools converted directly to prisons

8. San Diego sold to Tijuana for six tacos, a piñata filled with salsa, and a ceramic Bart Simpson lawn ornament

7. Every car stopped on the 405 freeway issued a parking ticket

6. All of First Lady Maria Shriver's dresses look suspiciously like Governor's Mansion curtains

5. California State income tax extended to Arizona, Nevada, and Oregon

4. Mayor of Los Angeles down to emergency backup mistress

3. Golden Gate stolen from bridge

2. State Comptroller parlays entire fiscal 2010 on Jack's Back to place in the third

And the number one sign California is bankrupt...

1. Census takers legally allowed to check your couch cushions for change

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternates...

Five-dollar cover and two-drink minimum on all Disneyland rides
State now playing own lottery
LAPD running out of gas before they can catch and beat suspects
Silicon Valley in foreclosure
Mt. Shasta available for weddings, bar mitzvahs, quinceañeras, and funerals
Spruce Goose sold for kindling
Schwarzenegger's new catchphrase, "Remember when I said I'd bankrupt you last? I lied."

Tuesday, April 06, 2010


Top Ten Rejected Panda Express Menu Items

10. Baby Greens and Baby Panda

9. Sweet and Sour Bologna

8. Octopusicle

7. Fire-roasted Charcoal

6. Honey Walnut Toenails

5. Boom Boom Kung Pao

4. Pol Potsticker

3. Tangy Baboon

2. Deflowered Egg Soup

And the number one rejected Panda Express menu item...

1. Fortune Nookie

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternates...

Crispy Mongolian
Chicken Chicka Wow Wow
Segregated Vegetables
Cashew Hashish
Chow-chow Mein
Fried Lice
Real Housewives of Orange Chicken
General Tso's Heroin
Panderin' Mandarin Shrimp
Pork Bastard
Chickity China the Chinese Chicken, Have a Drumstick and Your Brain Stops Tickin'

Saturday, April 03, 2010


Top Ten Reasons Jesus Returned After Three Days

10. Couldn't wait to see the look on Thomas' face

9. Lost His halo at the craps table in Hell

8. Forgot to turn off His iron

7. Wanted to see Peter's cotton tail

6. Spring break!

5. Had to back-up Luke and Artoo on the final run to the exhaust port just below the main port

4. Voiceover stated, "He's back. And this time, it's personal!"

3. Missed dessert at the Last Supper

2. Was finally ready to settle down and go to work for His Father

And the number one reason Jesus returned after three days...

1. Wanted to prove His death was a cruci-fiction (sorry)

-Jason Rohrblogger

Wednesday, March 31, 2010


Top Ten Places I've Hidden My Easter Eggs

10. In the eviscerated belly of a frozen Tauntaun

9. Offshore egg shelter

8. Omelet

7. In set of Russian nesting eggs

6. Fallopian tubes

5. In video game

4. Under several chickens

3. Deep in the caves of Tora Bora

2. Up Christopher Walken's ass

And the number one place I've hidden my Easter eggs...

1. In one basket

-Jason Rohrblogger

Sunday, March 28, 2010


Top Ten Signs You are not Going to Win a Nobel Prize

10. Your complete body of research documents how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop

9. Post-doctoral thesis: "The Effects of Grain Alcohol on Man's Ability to Identify Post-structuralist Internet Porn Signifiers Encoded in ASCII Text."

8. You openly declare that we can achieve peace in Belgium in our lifetime

7. No "killer abs" category

6. Whole foreign diplomacy experience is the ability to see Russia from your state

5. Insist on referring to physicist Robert Oppenheimer as Bobby "Boom Boom" McNukenheimer Smith

4. The Nobel Committee is using a tinfoil microphone implanted in your skull to steal all of your best ideas before you can get them published

3. Your hot tub-based time travel model, while theoretically possible, still has not resulted in your going back to 1986 to do burnouts in the Dairy Queen parking lot in a bitchen Camaro

2. You blame global warming on Megan Fox

And the number one sign you are not going to win a Nobel Prize...

1. Your entire contribution to world literature: one lame top ten list

-Jason Rohrblogger

Thursday, March 25, 2010


I got tagged over at Facebook for one of these surveys...

1. What time did you get up this morning?
The butt crack of noon

2. How do you like your steak?
Deep pink with a warm red center (and I like my steak medium rare)

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
Citizen Kane II: Chucky's Revenge

4. What is your favorite TV show?
Last Sex in the City Standing

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?

6. What did you have for breakfast?
Slim Fast and Rogaine

7. What is your favorite cuisine?

8. What foods do you dislike?
Anything made by elves

9. Favorite Place to Eat?
In front of the TV

10. Favorite dressing?

11.What kind of vehicle do you drive
1909 Stutz-Bearcat Turboprop

12. What are your favorite clothes?

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance?

14. Cup half empty or half full?
It was half full of scotch, half full of soda, but now it's empty. Can I get a refill?

15. Where would you want to retire?
To the bedroom

16. Favorite time of day?
Happy Hour

17. Where were you born?
Where the moon is in the second house and Jupiter aligns with Mars

18. What is your favorite sport to watch?
Olympic Pole Dancing

19. Who do you think will not tag you back?
Nancy Pelosi

20. Person you expect to tag you back first?
Elin Woods

21. Who are you most curious about their responses to this?
Sylvia Plath

22. Bird watcher?
Depends on who is giving me the bird

23. Are you a morning person or a night person?
I'm always a person, silly!

24. Do you have any pets?
One blonde, one brunette, one who keeps changing

25. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share?
I can change my own oil

26. What did you want to be when you were little?

27. What is your best childhood memory?
Finally breaking through the line at Khe Sanh

28. Are you a cat or dog person?
Go fish

29. Are you married?
Only in Laos

30. Always wear your seat belt?
Even in the shower

31. Been in a car accident?
Never on purpose

32. Any pet peeves?
Facebook surveys

33. Favorite pizza topping?
Cardboard box

34. Favorite Flower?
Anything by Georgia O'Queef

35. Favorite ice cream?
Vanilla Ice

36. Favorite fast food restaurant?
A little of the old In-n-Out

37. How many times did you fail your driver's test?
Who says I took a driver's test?

38. From whom did you get your last email?
Nostradamus. It wasn't pretty

39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?
TJ Maxx

40. Do anything spontaneous lately?
In a crowded elevator yelled, "Who farted?"

41. Like your job?
No, you can't have it!

42. Broccoli?
Separate the stems, eat the leaves

43. What was your favorite vacation?
National Lampoon's Summer

44. Last person you went out to dinner with?
Joe Black

45. What are you listening to right now?
The sound of one hand clapping

46. What is your favorite color?

47. How many tattoos do you have?

48. How many are you tagging for this quiz?

49. What time is it?
Miller Time

50. Coffee drinker?
No. I can quit any time I want.

-Jason Rohrblogger

Monday, March 22, 2010


Top Ten Projects in Development at Ford

10. An alternative fuel that provides 150 miles per gallon in a Focus, eight miles per gallon in a Cavalier, and causes a Corolla to explode

9. Leather-n-buckle seat belts for masochists

8. A navigation system that can plot a course to the nearest shoe sale

7. Convertible bottom

6. Built-in keg dispenser

5. Remote control upholstery

4. Web-enabled windshield that supports the Firefox browser

3. Four-wheel drive motorcycle

2. Dash-mounted 95-inch plasma screen HDTV

And the number one project in development at Ford…

1. Airbags that gently fill with freshly-popped popcorn (and brake fluid that tastes like butter. "I can't believe it's not brake fluid!")

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternates...

Amway distributor
An air filter that also removes any bad feelings
Dashboard Buddha
A Cadalladic converter that transforms GM vehicles into Lincolns

Saturday, March 20, 2010


A big thank you to Spicy Pants over at Celebrity Smack for linking to my Things I Don't Get About Facebook list and blowing up my stats like an IED! Celebrity Smack is a daily visit for me as Spicy expounds on all things gossip. Check her out!

Thanks for the link love, Spicy Pants!

-Jason Rohrblogger

Friday, March 19, 2010


Top Ten Things I Don't Get About Facebook

10. What's with the layout?

9. What's with all the updates about other people's friends and what they post?

8. Why isn't there a dislike button?

7. Why is it such a huge time suck?

6. What's with all the games?

5. What is an Honesty Box?

4. Why am I getting other people's horoscopes?

3. Why can't I see past chats?

2. Why is nothing dated?

And the number one thing I don't get about Facebook...

1. Why can't I post HTML?

-Jason Rohrblogger

Tuesday, March 16, 2010


Top Ten Reasons to Fear The Reaper

10. Not really trained to use scythe

9. Halitosis

8. Is congressman who likes little boys

7. Also works for IRS

6. Will leave bone-impressions on your furniture

5. Smells like ass

4. Talks on cell phone while eradically driving death chariot

3. Can also make you live longer, too

2. Is bi-polar and off his meds

And the number one reason to fear The Reaper...

1. Has mob ties

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternates...

Is Republican
Does not slow for children in crosswalk
Does not observe Sabbath
Hunts like Dick Cheney, drives like Ted Kennedy
Is drunk
Is also health inspectre
Thinks Sinbad is funny

Monday, March 15, 2010


An open letter to Rose DeWitt Bukater:

Oh, Kate Winslet. Sorry to hear you and Sam Mendes split. Now that you are single, I will be available to comfort you during our intense rebound fling. It has probably been seven years since you've had some crazy-hot passion in your life. I'm here to quench the drought. I'll take you back to my trailer park in my Ford Bronco (an American classic!). I'll put on some Marvin Gaye, crack a sixer of Pabst, and remind you how good it feels to be an Oscar-winner. In the morning it's off to Denny's for a decadent Grand Slam. I want you to drown my bacon in your syrup. I've seen all of your movies (Hideous Kinky, anyone?). I know you like middle-aged bearded men. So let's not pretend you haven't been itching to leave Mendes for a little mending. I'll wipe that smile off your face and put it where you need it most. See you in the morning.

-Jason Rohrblogger

Saturday, March 13, 2010


Top Ten Rejected Slogans for Whiskey

10. Goes down easy, comes up smooth

9. Just screw it!

8. The thicker chicker liquor upper

7. God's gift to alcoholics

6. Good to the last drinker dropped

5. Breakfast of champions

4. A dram is a terrible thing to waste

3. Between love and madness lies scotch

2. Obey your thirst

And the number one rejected slogan for whiskey...

1. The nighttime smokey, boozy, drinking, shooty, faded, so-you-can-get-wasted medicine

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternates...

Melts in your mind, not in your liver
I'm lovin' it
You got alcohol in my peat moss!
You got peat moss in my alcohol!
Two great tastes that taste great together.
Like a good neighbor, whiskey is there
M'm! M'm! Good!
Don't leave home without it
When it absolutely, positively has to sleep there overnight
Only you can prevent sobriety
Reach out and punch someone
Tastes great, less willing
America's most trusted liquor
The ultimate drunk driving machine
Maybe she's born with it, maybe it's whiskey
What can brown do for you?

Tuesday, March 09, 2010


Jack over at Fat Jack's Erratic Rants writes, "Jason. When are you going to feature your number one Internet fan and promoter in one of those handy-dandy top ten lists?"

Uh, be careful what you wish for, Jack.

Jason's Top Ten Fave Lines from Fat Jack's Erratic Rants

10. "THE HANGOVER, in my opinion, is a true date movie, but then again I am a bit strange."

9. "Not to neglect our artsy fartsy side, we also watched INSIDE DEEP THROAT...."

8. "I'd rather not see cuts to my salary at all."

7. "What pedagogy are the teachers using to educate the students?"

6. "[I]t's like sitting through a romantic comedy where everyone is dressed in Mardi Gras costumes. The enjoyment of which just proves that people don't have very good taste."

5. "Is it wrong to find that most of the events I enjoy involve the possibility of bodily harm?"

4. "It was juicy with gore-a-plenty...."

3. "We need more death in the TV show, Heroes."

2. "In order to properly govern ourselves, we need deep questions and further exploration."

And Jason's number one fave line from Fat Jack's Erratic Rants...

1. "How cool would that be to run around in the dead of night blowing poisoned darts in the necks of the nefarious, lodging ninjas stars in their craniums, cutting enemies in half, and scaling walls with climbing spikes? And the disappearing smoke bombs. Sweet Judas Iscariot those puffs of smoke are some kind of bad ass."

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternates...

"What is the deal with those little brooms?"

"I thought about Imo's all meat pizza all the way home and even tried to convince the wife that it would make life better."

"I do have to admit that if the pizza were in the house I would tear into it like a down-low Baptist minister on a cracked-out gay hooker."

"I'd ask you to guess how far away my chest of drawers is, but it wouldn't make me look good."

"I have nothing pithy, clever or even offensive to say. I'm just blathering on for no good reason. Are you still reading?"

"[D]on't be expecting any romantic love songs from this writer."

"[T]hey have lost their ever-loving mind if they expect this fat feller to burn 400-500 calories a day."

"I'll meet the sweet baby Jesus sooner rather than later if I try to meet that goal."

"I'm sure the fat doctor would be pleased."

"Don't get me started on the fact that a romantic comedy won best screen play."

Saturday, March 06, 2010


Top Ten Awards Show Thank-you Speeches I'd Like to See

10. "Thank you New Beginnings Tucson for getting me cleaned up enough to be here tonight. You truly win 'Best Detox!'"

9. "Thanks to all the fan boys who sent my nude scene viral. That really is where my best talents lie."

8. " my ex-wife's attorney: this statue us worth $87.50 max, I've already checked."

7. "I'd like to thank my dealer. There is no way my post-natal ass would have been camera-ready otherwise..."

6. "And a big thank-you to the director for believing I could give the best handjob on the casting couch."

5. "I especially appreciate by fellow nominees for not being talented enough to compete with my performance this year."

4. "Finally: justification for the three years of jazz and five years of tap my mother made me take."

3. "This recognition is really for the special effects, lighting crew, and director who turned me from an unwatchable hack into a believable, sympathetic character for ninety minutes."

2. "...this is totally sweet! Kegger at Joey's mom's house after the show. Wes is bringing Jäger!"

And the number one awards show thank-you speech I'd like to see...

1. "Even though I am feuding with every last toxic person on the cast and crew, and will go out of my way never to speak with any one of you again...this award is for you!"

-Jason Rohrblogger

Wednesday, March 03, 2010


Top Ten Food Related Band Names

10. Cream

9. Bread

8. Cake

7. The Cranberries

6. Meatloaf

5. Bananarama

4. Humble Pie

3. Smashing Pumpkins

2. KoRn

And the number one food related band name...

1. Sexual Chocolate

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternates...

Vanilla Ice
Meat Puppets
Pearl Jam
Hot Chocolate
Peaches and Herb
Eve's Plum
Veruca Salt
Fiona Apple
Blind Melon
Strawberry Alarm Clock
Moby Grabe
Blue Oyster Cult
Sugar Hill Gang

Sunday, February 28, 2010


Top Ten Country Songs for Cyberspace

10. It's Over Cuz I Caught Him Swapping GIFS with My Best Friend

9. You Done Ripped Out My NT-1 and Stomped that Sucker Flat

8. She's the Shemale of My Email and the Breaker of My Heart

7. You FTP-ed Up Our Love so I Crawled into a Bottle

6. Let's Get Drunk and Raise a Little HTML

5. I've Got Hot Java for You but No Hits on My Heart

4. I've Deleted Your Bookmark from the Hotlist of My Heart

3. I Designed Your Homepage, She Changed My Life

2. I Tried Your Site Tonight, but You Weren't There

And the number one country song for cyberspace

1. When I Met You in that Chat Room, You Swore You Was a Girl

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternate...

I Google Your Yahoo and You Excite MySpace

Thursday, February 25, 2010


Today's list was stolen wholesale from Lemon Drop.

Top Ten Annoying Couple Types

10. The Newly Engaged - No one has ever been as happy as they are! And don't worry, their wedding is SO not going to be like all those other weddings. It's going to be special...and the only one that either of them will ever have, for sure

9. The Karaoke Couple - Same bar, same songs, same night, every week. These two should take their act on the hell

8. The Fight Club - There is nothing that won't start an argument between them. They would break up or get divorced if only they knew how to live without the pleasure of hating each other every day

7. The Love Birds - They think they invented love and they want to share it with anyone within eye-shot. Gross. Get a room. No one needs to see that. They become number ten

6. The Newly Married Who Think They've Really Got Marriage Figured Out; and oh boy, have they got relationship advice for you - thoughtful, charming, deeply self-satisfied advice that absolutely will not make you want to projectile vomit into their sincere faces

5. The Tourist Couple - Do not lock eyes with them. They will ask you where they are, where they're going, how to get there and why it has to be so complicated. Then they will ask you to take their picture

4. The Couple Making Out at the Bar - You could tell them to get a room but it would not do you any good. Whatever room they are currently in is the room

3. The Parents of Each Other - She calls him "Daddy" and he calls her "Momma" and nobody wants to be caught in that parent trap

2. The Twins - Studies suggest that the longer couples are together, the more they begin to look alike. But when you start to look less like a woman and more like your husband's teenage son, it's time for an affair

And the number one annoying couple type...

1. The Strobe Lights - They love each other, they love each other not. They love each other, they love each other not. This relationship does not need counseling, it needs a clapper

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternates...

The Power Couple - Power jobs, power looks, power money. These couples would be more annoying were it not for the spectacularly humiliating power break-ups that inevitably follow

The Bar Flys Who Like to Think They Are a Power Couple - Is that a successful relationship you smell? No, it's Axe Body Spray and Newports

The Couple Who Does Not Know They Are About to Get Divorced Because He's Gay and She's Addicted to Painkillers - They will find out soon enough, but until then the tension between them will strip the paint off the walls wherever they go. Best to put on a gas mask if you see them coming

Monday, February 22, 2010


Top Ten Surprises in Andrew Young's book about John Edwards

10. John once hiked the Appalachian Trail with Mark Sanford

9. Elizabeth's hard drinking and honkey-tonk chemo-fueled 2am madness drove John into the arms of another

8. Rielle Hunter has a secret family with Eliot Spitzer

7. For once the National Enquirer did not make up a story out of whole cloth

6. According to the Weekly World News, Edwards is the father of Bat Boy

5. Elizabeth has inoperable stage-4 cancer, John has inoperable stage-4 narcissism

4. Turns out John Edwards is kind of a douchebag. Hard to believe for a trial lawyer

3. Fabio still can't believe it's not butter

2. Rielle Hunter's birth name is Barracuda Stealyourman

And the number one surprise in Andrew Young's book about John Edwards...

1. The personal video tape depicts John Edwards admitting he is for lower taxes, smaller government, and supply-side economics

-Jason Rohrblogger

Sunday, February 21, 2010


Gold medal shout out to Jack over at Fat Jack's Erratic Rants for covering my Top Ten Winter Sports I'd Like to See list and posting a link!

This year I'm going to come-from-behind to thank you. Wait, that doesn't sound right.

You can carry my torch anytime, Jack. Wait, that doesn't sound right, either.

Thanks for the blog love,


Friday, February 19, 2010


Top Ten Winter Sports I'd Like to See

10. Ice Pole Dancing

9. Cold Beer Pong

8. Shaming

7. Synchronized Skiing

6. Curling Cheese Fries

5. Snow Chess

4. Tundra Tennis

3. Avalanche Surfing

2. Glacier Polo

And the number one winter sport I'd like to see...

1. Female Lingerie Hockey

-Jason Rohrblogger

Tuesday, February 16, 2010


Top Ten Surprises in the Sarah Palin Magazine

10. Her recipe for stuffed salmon calls for 15bbl of crude oil

9. Wishes James Garner would be cast to play her in the made-for-Lifetime movie, "Maverick Mom from Mooseville"

8. Almost challenged Tina Fey to a bareknuckled boxing match

7. Centerfold is Levi Johnston

6. In a drunken stupor, once accidentally voted for Bill Clinton

5. Editorial claims Michelle Obama is Kenyan

4. Chastises Ben Stiller for going "full retard"

3. Saved her marriage to Todd by talking dirty in Yup'ik

2. Text is nothing but a bunch of top ten lists and recycled Tiger Woods jokes

And the number one surprise in the Sarah Palin Magazine...

1. No longer lives in "real America"

-Jason Rohrblogger

Saturday, February 13, 2010


Top Ten Valentine's Gifts Tiger Woods is Getting Elin Nordegren

10. One billion Swedish Krona

9. Two hours in the conjugal visit trailer at rehab

8. A puppy with the words "I love you" shaved into its fur

7. An "I'm sorry, Elin" back tattoo from shoulder blade to shoulder blade

6. Two Master's trophies and a green jacket

5. Ticket to ride

4. A dozen roses, "The Notebook" on DVD, and box of Whitman Samplers

3. A Tiger Woods' Mistress Calendar with the names crossed out and "Elin" written in

2. Herpes

And the number one Valentine's gift Tiger Woods is getting Elin Nordegren...

1. A Get Out Of Marriage Free card

-Jason Rohrblogger

Tuesday, February 02, 2010


Top Ten Ways I am Exactly Like My Father

10. I sit at home alone a drink scotch

9. I have a scraggly grey beard

8. I feud with friends and family over perceived slights

7. I drive a Japanese sedan

6. I can't foster or maintain intimate relationships

5. I have the ability to piss off people in authority without really trying

4. My primary form of communication is e-mail

3. I possess a wicked sense of humor

2. I have no idea where the social boundaries are

And the number one way I am exactly like my father...

1. I'm not really listening to you

-Jason Rohrblogger

Saturday, January 30, 2010


Top Ten Self-descriptive Phrases

10. Incompl te

9. WeIrD cAsE

8. ©λ@ℜα⊄Ψ∃Γ $µß§+|⊥∪∏¡ðℵ

7. esrever

6. I am disappointment in grammar

5. ,comma,

4. Con'traction

3. I'd like to double her entendre!

2. censorship

And the number one self-descriptive phrase...

1. Cnofnusig

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternates...

An am rag
Quit while you're ahea

Wednesday, January 27, 2010


Top Ten Rejected Folgers Crystals Flavors

10. Folgers Crystal Meth

9. Ray Bolger's Crystals

8. Folgers Crystal Light

7. Mulder's Crystals

6. Folgers Dark Crystal

5. Folgers Crys-kross'll Make You Jump Jump

4. Hazelnut Sack

3. Irish Roast (Beechwood-aged, 80 proof)

2. Screamin' Sour Cream and Onion X-treme

And the number one rejected Folgers Crystals flavor...

1. Folgers Instant Karma

-Jason Rohrblogger

Sunday, January 24, 2010


Top Ten Current Conan O'Brien Job Offers

10. Simpsons writer

9. Barbarian

8. Junior senator from Massachusetts

7. Ginger Spice backup singer

6. Assistant fluffer

5. Fox News analyst for the late night wars

4. Host of his own counter at McDonald's

3. Weatherman for "Good Morning! Terre Haute!"

2. Letterman extortionist

And the number one current Conan O'Brien job offer...

1. Cereal spokesman (Coco is cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs)

-Jason Rohrblogger

Wednesday, January 20, 2010


I originally ran this post back in October of 2008.

It gets repeated today along with Messr. Robertson's most recent bon mot regarding Haiti:

"They were under the heel of the French. You know, Napoleon III, or whatever. And they got together and swore a pact to the devil. They said, we will serve you if you'll get us free from the French. True story. And so, the devil said, okay it's a deal."

A coupla thangs: 1) How can Pat Robertson hear what the devil says? And why was he present at Haiti's negotiations with Old Sparky? 2) I usually have to pay extra to be under the heel of the French. 3) Los Angeles has been serving the devil WAY better than Haiti! Where is our earth-shattering kaboom? 4) That Pat Robertson sure is kooky! To wit:

Top Ten Pat Robertson Quotes

10. "Over 100 years, I think the gradual erosion of the consensus that's held our country together is probably more serious than a few bearded terrorists who fly into buildings."
–On the dangers of judicial activism

9. "Lord, give us righteous judges who will not try to legislate and dominate this society. Take control, Lord! We ask for additional vacancies on the court."

8. "Just like what Nazi Germany did to the Jews, so liberal America is now doing to the evangelical Christians. It's no different. It is the same thing. It is happening all over again. It is the Democratic Congress, the liberal-based media and the homosexuals who want to destroy the Christians. Wholesale abuse and discrimination and the worst bigotry directed toward any group in America today. More terrible than anything suffered by any minority in history."

7. "I would warn Orlando that you're right in the way of some serious hurricanes, and I don't think I'd be waving those flags in God's face if I were you. This is not a message of hate. This is a message of redemption. But a condition like this will bring about the destruction of your nation. It'll bring about terrorist bombs; it'll bring earthquakes, tornadoes, and possibly a meteor."
–On "gay days" at Disneyworld

6. "The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians."

5. "I know this is painful for the ladies to hear, but if you get married, you have accepted the headship of a man, your husband. Christ is the head of the household and the husband is the head of the wife, and that's the way it is, period."

4. "I'd like to say to the good citizens of Dover: If there is a disaster in your area, don't turn to God, you just rejected him from your city. And don't wonder why he hasn't helped you when problems begin, if they begin. I'm not saying they will, but if they do, just remember, you just voted God out of your city. And if that's the case, don't ask for His help because He might not be there."
-After the city of Dover, Pennsylvania voted to boot the current school board, which instituted an intelligent design policy that led to a federal trial

3. "God considers this land to be His. You read the Bible and He says 'This is my land,' and for any prime minister of Israel who decides he is going to carve it up and give it away, God says, 'No, this is mine.' He was dividing God's land. And I would say, 'Woe unto any prime minister of Israel who takes a similar course to appease the E.U., the United Nations, or the United States of America.' God says, 'This land belongs to me. You better leave it alone.'"
-On why Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon suffered a massive stroke

2. "Maybe we need a very small nuke thrown off on Foggy Bottom to shake things up" –On nuking the State Department

And the number one Pat Robertson quote...

1. "You know, I don't know about this doctrine of assassination, but if he thinks we're trying to assassinate him, I think that we really ought to go ahead and do it. It's a whole lot cheaper than starting a war. We have the ability to take him out, and I think the time has come that we exercise that ability. We don't need another $200 billion war to get rid of one, you know, strong-arm dictator. It's a whole lot easier to have some of the covert operatives do the job and then get it over with."
-Calling for the assassination of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternates...

"Wait a minute, I didn't say 'assassination.' I said our special forces should 'take him out,' and 'take him out' can be a number of things, including kidnapping."
–Clarifying his call to assassinate Hugo Chavez

"Is it right to call for assassination? No, and I apologize for that statement. I spoke in frustration that we should accommodate the man who thinks the U.S. is out to kill him."

"That was never in the Constitution, however much the liberals laugh at me for saying it, they know good and well it was never in the Constitution! Such language only appeared in the constitution of the Communist Soviet Union."
-On the constitutional separation of church and state

"Well, I totally concur." –to Jerry Falwell following the Sept. 11 attacks, after Falwell said, "I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way - all of them who have tried to secularize America - I point the finger in their face and say: "You helped this happen."

Sunday, January 17, 2010


I have some friends with the last name Erickson who are having a baby girl. Herewith are my...

Top Ten Baby Erickson Names

10. Erica Ekaterina Erickson

9. Patience Temperance Faith Chastity Erickson

8. Erickson of Sam

7. W. Axl Erickson

6. Bambi St. Clair-ickson

5. Samantha Beware-ickson

4. Micheala Roxanne Christine Lauren Isabella Fincham Erickson

3. Tupelo Memphis Graceland Erickson

2. Lady Xtina Ga Ga Winehouse Tiny Dancer Erickson

And the number one baby Erickson name...

1. Jennifer Jason Leif Erickson

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternates...

Rumer Scout

Thursday, January 14, 2010


Check out my review of "The Pee-wee Herman Show" at Club Nokia @ La Live over at Celebrity Smack.

I liked it so much, I want to marry it!

-Jason Rohrblogger

Monday, January 11, 2010


Top Ten Rejected Celebrity Liquor Endorsements

10. Chuck Jägermeister

9. Charlie Jack Daniels

8. José Charro

7. Soleil Moonshine

6. Dennis Miller Lite

5. Maker's Marky Mark

4. Jennifer Grey Goose

3. Asti Spumante Python

2. Harvey Ketel One

And the number one rejected celebrity liquor endorsement...

1. St. Pauli Shore

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternates...

Everclear Danes
Hennssey Thomas Howell
Bacardi Snyder
Glenfiddich Nixon
DeKuyper Sutherland
Drambuie George
Bobcat Goldschläger
Yukon Jack Nicholson
Oscar Wild Turkey
Christian Bailey's
Absolut Olson
Jack Black Velvet
Manute Bols
George W. Bushmills
Slim Jim Beam
Captain Morgan Freeman
Alec Guinness
Son of Sambuca
Ione Skyy
Tanqueray Romano
Yo Yo Zima
Jamie Far Niente
Sherry Shepherd
Ulysses S. Grand Marnier
Seagram Nash
Yakov Smirnoff

Friday, January 08, 2010


Top Ten Cars with Place Names in the Order of Where I Would NOT Like to Live

10. Hyundai Santa Fe

9. GMC Sierra

8. Dodge Daytona

7. Nissan Frontier

6. GMC Savana

5. Nissan Pulsar

4. Toyota Avalon

3. GMC Yukon

2. Saturn

And the number one car with a place where I would not like to live...

1. Toyota Tundra

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternates...

Volkswagen Westphalia
Chevrolet Silverado
Toyota Tacoma
Chevrolet Corsica
Hyundai Tucson
Chevrolet Colorado
Ford Galaxie

Tuesday, January 05, 2010


Top Ten Cars with Place Names in the Order of Where I Would Like to Live

10. Kia Sedona

9. Lincoln Versailles

8. Mercury Monterey

7. GMC Sonoma

6. Dodge Aspen

5. Buick Riviera

4. Chevy Tahoe

3. Buick Park Avenue

2. Chrysler Newport

And the number one car with a place where I would like to live...

1. Chevy Malibu

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternates...

Cadillac Seville
Dodge Monaco
Mercury Milan
Chevrolet Monte Carlo
Mercury Montego
Cadillac Le Mans
Mercury Capri
Cadillac Calais

Saturday, January 02, 2010


Top Ten Banned Phrases 2010

The following is hereby banished from the English language...

10. Viral

9. Subprime

8. Post 9/11

7. In these economic times

6. Tweet

5. Sexting

4. Unfriend

3. Toxic Assets

2. Chillaxin'

And the number one banned phrase 2010...

1. Teachable Moment

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternates...

Reality TV
Too Big to Fail