Saturday, April 28, 2007


This was stolen wholesale from Spinner

Top Ten Worst Music Ideas Ever

10. U2's Blue Light Special - Q: What's funnier than mocking your American fans for their mindless consumerism?
A: Their refusal to buy your stinkin' products.

U2 announced the crass spectacle known as the PopMart tour -- with a stage boasting a massive McDonald's-like golden arch -- at a Kmart. Said Bono, smug in a black leather jacket and tinted sunglasses, "It costs a fortune to look this trashy." The CD was the band's worst-selling in 14 years, and, despite U2's plan to sell out, many tour stops did not.

9. The Bens - "Hey, check it out: My name is Ben, your name is Ben, and see that
dude over there behind the piano?
B-E-freakin'-N!" And just like that, the talented Mr. Lee, Mr. Kweller and Mr. Folds became indie-rock supergroup the Bens. Unfortunately, as evident by their tepid 2003 EP (mystifyingly not titled 'All About the Benjamins'), the sum wasn't exactly greater than the parts and the Bens disbanded after one tour of Lee's native Australia.

8. That New Car Smell - The checklist for the 2006 Cars reunion tour: two Cars sidemen desperate for a payday? Check. A gaggle of folks who have nothing to do with the hit-making '80s New Wave band, including, for some reason, Todd Rundgren? Check. The two guys who actually wrote and sang everything? Well, considering Ric Ocasek's nonpresence due to his successful career as a producer, and Benjamin Orr gracefully bowing out because he's dead... Balderdash! Who needs 'em? Behold the New Cars -- a smash hit, like New Coke.

7. Frampton Comes Together - While 'Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band' is often cited as rock's finest album, the movie musical it inspired was even more powerful -- it killed the careers of all the musicians it touched. Peter Frampton, fresh off the best-selling live album in history, teamed with the Bee Gees, fresh off the best-selling movie soundtrack in history, to play the band. Throughout the wretched spectacle (see trailer, left), all four committed crimes against manliness, and they paid afterward by not being able to get arrested.

6. NetAid - Whether or not Bono can save the world, the U2 frontman's charity single with Wyclef Jean, 'New Day' -- which, after its 'TRL' debut, never charted again -- wasn't enough to save the train wreck that was NetAid. In 1999, the U.N. and Cisco Systems cashed in on the multi-city festival moneymaker, tapping "hip" artists like the Eurythmics, the Corrs and Bryan Adams to perform as part of a live Internet webcast. The Web site racked in only 2.4 million hits, humiliatingly short of the anticipated 1 billion.

5. Singled Out - If one hit song can make you a rock 'n' roll star, imagine what five can do. So went the thinking of marketing geniuses at Columbia Records in 1967. However, when the label released five singles from San Francisco rockers Moby Grape's self-titled debut on the same day, two things happened: 1. Hippies smelled The Man behind the promotion plan, triggering a backlash, 2. Radio stations didn't know which single to play, and all five tanked. Drug and legal problems followed, and by 1971 Moby Grape were beached.

4. Metallica Cut Their Hair - When Metallica got haircuts in 1996, fans of the ferocious metal gods wondered if they had accidentally clipped off another of their body parts. Lockless for the release of 'Load,' the once rough-edged rockers went all kinds of soft, protesting fan-friendly services like Napster, trying their hand at sobriety and enrolling in therapy to talk about their "feelings." Dudes, that's not rock 'n' roll. That's emo. Next thing you know, they'll be braiding each other's... oh, wait.

3. Beach Boys & Fat Boys - By 1987 the Beach Boys were a bit hit-starved. So in desperation, the former '60s surf-music kings teamed up with one-joke hip-hop novelty trio the Fat Boys for a sung-and-rapped version of the instrumental 'Wipeout.' Be forewarned: The song's video (left) is not a pretty sight, unless you groove on morbid obesity and bald guys in Hawaiian shirts. But the record gods clearly have a warped sense of humor, as a year later the Beach Boys' equally wretched but mercifully rap-free 'Kokomo' made it to No. 1.

2. Whitney Tries Crack - Allegedly. Remember, Whitney Houston told Diane Sawyer in 2002 that the drug is "wack," and that she makes too much money to mess with it. Whatever she's been ingesting, it hasn't helped her career, as the seven-time Grammy-winning singer hasn't released an album in half a decade. She's supposedly working on new material, and we imagine she'll have a new single done as soon as she can think of another word that ends in "ack."

And the number one worst music idea ever...

1. Garth Brooks Is Chris Gaines - It's lonely at the top. And lonely people often concoct imaginary friends. That may explain why, in 1999, country übermegastar Garth Brooks ditched his Stetson and western-cut shirt for a wig from the Reznor Collection and a pasted-on soul patch to transform himself into moody rock god Chris Gaines. A fake 'Behind the Music,' 'SNL' and a "greatest hits" album by "Gaines" followed, yet no one but a few eager psychiatrists gave a whit.

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternates...

Milli Vanilli: The Movie - First there was 'Ray,' then there was 'Walk the Line' and soon . . . 'Blame It on the Rain'? That's right, Universal Pictures is working on bringing the inspiring epic story of Milli Vanilli to the big screen. We can hear the trailer voice over now: "Two men, five monster hit singles - and it all came crashing down with one skipped tape. Girl, you know it's true." There is no word yet on whether the actors will do their own singing.

Willie Goes Reggae - Is the mere concept of Willie Nelson recording a reggae album, to quote his classic song, crazy? Well, like the Rastafarians, the country music legend has beef with the government, sports a curious hairstyle and worships a particular sacramental herb. So what went wrong? Perhaps the fact that it was Willie Nelson recording a reggae album! And the record was begun in 1995 but didn't appear till 2005, which meant Willie had four, maybe five lucid moments in which to change his mind.

Worst of Both Worlds - Two superstars, one facing child porn charges, plus hot ladies and a whole lotta pyro, for a tour hyped as the 'Best of Both Worlds'... what could go wrong? Well, it started when R. Kelly stopped mid-song at Madison Square Garden, claiming he saw two audience members with guns. Jay-Z's posse responded by spraying Kelly with pepper spray. Jigga then booted Kelly from the tour. After a little name-calling and lawsuit-tossing, you get why nobody ever asked these guys to play Lilith Fair.

The Great Pumpkin Ad - OK, so it's one thing to bare your soul on your MySpace blog. But a full-page ad in Chicago's two biggest newspapers? That's tacky. In 2005 Billy Corgan paid no mind when, on the release day of his solo album 'The Future Embrace,' the bald-headed tunesmith bled his heart dry with plans to "renew and revive" his former band the Smashing Pumpkins. The reunion still hasn't happened, but Corgan did manage to torpedo his solo career - 'Embrace' has yet to sell 75,000 copies.

Mariah Goes Glitter - "In music, she found her dream, her love, herself." Ironic tag line for this flick, considering two things: 1. Mariah Carey checked herself into a hospital during the movie's promotion, amid terrible reviews, citing "emotional and physical exhaustion," and 2. The Grammy-winning pop diva's label paid her $28 million to go away when the 'Glitter' soundtrack tanked. If Carey's incoherent babbling and half-naked TV appearances weren't ominous signs enough, the soundtrack had a release date of September 11, 2001.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007


Top Ten Disneyland Rides if Disney Was Bought Out by Don Imus

10. Dumho the Flying Elephant

9. Pirates of the Nappibbean

8. It's a Small Ho

7. Haunty-headed Mansion

6. Auhopia

5. Many Adventures of Nappie the Pooh

4. Big Thunder Mountain Railho

3. Alice in Nappyland

2. Rutger Rabbit's Car Toon Spin

And the number one Disneyland ride if Disney was bought out by Don Imus...

1. The Matterho

-Jason Rohrblogger and Atomic Bombshell

And the alternates...

Star Hoes
Space Naptain
Buzz Napyear's Afro Blasters

Sunday, April 22, 2007


Perhaps you've seen this "interview other bloggers" meme floating around from blog to blog. If not, the basic gist of it is that another blogger writes five questions for you and you answer them. I tagged myself over at Yummy Sushi Pajamas.

1. How did you get into the top ten business?
I stole it wholesale from David Letterman. One of Letterman's early writers, Merrill Markoe, stole the idea wholesale from The Book of Lists. A little known fact about my site: the main title of every list is a blind link to something on the internet that I think is amusing. Letterman can't do that.

2. Describe your ideal woman, without referencing famous people.
Do you count as famous? Cause you're pretty ideal. I mean, besides the fact that you're already married, live on the East Coast, and want to move to Italy...

3. What's your favorite book and why?
This is a deceptively difficult question for me. There are SO MANY books I enjoy. When I am struggling with a challenge, one of my coping mechanisms is to write a list. So...herewith are Jason's Top Ten Fave Books of All Time

10. The Sex Lives of Cannibals by J. Maarten Troost

This book came to me as a birthday present from fellow blogger Jenn over at Let the Wild Rumpus Start. Jenn is a married mother of one from Kansas who I have never met. Somehow she picked out the very book that would make me laugh the hardest.

A young man just starting his career abruptly quits his job to follow his girlfriend to an isolated South Pacific Island where they encounter malnutrition, pestilence, disease, sharks and near death in a open raft on the sea. It's absolutely hilarious. I kid you not. The title is misleading. There is no sex and not one cannibal. The funniest passage in the travelogue is when the author is trying to bring his cat to the island veterinarian to get fixed:

"If you have never driven a manual-shifting car alone with an uncaged cat, I recommend that you go to great lengths to avoid the experience. I deluded myself into thinking that the cat would sit quietly in the passenger seat, but in fact moments after I started the car he found his way to the top of my head, which he used as a perch to launch himself toward the window, which sadly for him, was closed, causing him to experience a not inconsiderable amount of panic, which he manifested by ripping me to shreds, pausing only to relieve himself."

9. Rogue Warrior by Richard Marcinko

This is a combat memoir by a disgraced alcoholic Navy SEAL. He's writing from federal prison where they incarcerated him for "misappropriating funds." This book is heavy on the testosterone. It's supposedly non-fiction but half the shit is lies and the other half is made up. Women tend to put it down and never pick it up again. Men burn through the pages. It's good shit.

8. Into Thin Air by Jon Krakauer

You know how some disaster will happen, like a perfect storm, and then a journalist or investigative reporter will interview the survivors and research the event and write a killer book? Now, imagine that reporter is also a participant in the disaster... Jon Krakauer was one of the hikers on the fatal 1996 Everest attempt. He describes in detail what it's like to be lost, frozen, and out of oxygen, then leave your teammates to die while you struggle back to base camp.

7. Shadow Divers by Robert Kurson

The 100% absolute true story of a group of recreational divers who, in 1991, discover an undisturbed Nazi submarine sunken off the coast of New Jersey. Then they solve the mystery of the suicide mission that placed it there.

6. Band of Brothers by Stephen Ambrose

An honest, page-turning, history of the 101st Airborne in Europe in World War II. This book captures what it feels like to fight and die far, far away from home. When they reach Hitler's mountain hideout and discover what is there at the end of the book, it's one of the most satisfying non-fiction endings ever.

5. Papillon by Henri Charrière

The supposedly non-fiction account of a French prisoner sent to a penal colony in South America. This is another book that is so incredible that it can only be half true. However, it's probably the most outrageous half of the story that is the true part.

4. Green Beach by James Leasor

Sometimes books find you. One day I'm rummaging through boxes of old John Jakes paperbacks at an outdoor Rotary Club book sale. I come across an ancient library book from 1975 called "Green Beach." The little borrower pocket is still glued on the inside of the front cover. The spine is broken and some pages are trying to escape. I love a crusty war story as much as the next History Channel junkie so I pay the 99¢ and take my book home. It turns out to be this incredible non-fiction gem about a Canadian Regiment from Saskatchewan in WWII who invade Nazi-held mainland Europe a year before the Normandy landing to covertly test out a top secret development called RADAR. Most of them die. Horribly. Who knew Canadians were such military bad asses? I mailed my copy to my cousin from Saskatchewan and it's one of his most prized possessions. The writing is a little stilted and the author can be repetitive, but the story itself is worth it.

3. Love My Rifle More than You by Kayla Williams

This is a modern combat memoir from an Arab-speaking female U.S. Army soldier in Iraq. She has to deal with all of the feminine issues (sex, workplace harassment, diet, birth control, etc...) but in a combat zone which heightens all the tension. At one point she is holding off a desperately amorous and aggressive fellow soldier with her M-16. You'll have to read the book to find out if she pulls the trigger or not. This one is a must-read for the ladies. And yes, she participates in humiliating detainees during interrogations and describes in detail what that feels like.

2. Leaving the Saints by Martha Beck

A Harvard-trained sociologist exposes the sexual attitudes of the male-dominated Mormon Church towards women and children. She goes through soul-crushing therapy over possible abuse from her own father. This is one of those books where every page is the most incredible, disgusting thing you have ever read, until you get to the NEXT page. Almost every paragraph is a controversial bombshell. This book has it's own response from the Mormon Church written by members of the author's own family!

And Jason's number one fave book of all time...

1. The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver

This is the first fiction to make the list and it comes in at number one. An American family of missionaries goes to the Congo in the 1950's. The story reveals the history of Africa, religion, politics, gender, and family relations. It reads so much like non-fiction that by the time "Blood Diamond" came out, I already knew all of the issues raised from reading this book. The author lives in my hometown of Tucson, AZ, but that's not why you should read this book. You should read this book because it's one of the few novels that you wish would keep going when it ends. I have read one other book of hers Prodigal Summer. It's a fluffy, earthy romp with some steamy sex scenes between a hunter and a female park ranger. Obviously The Poisonwood Bible is meant to be Kingsolver's magnum opus. If you only read one book...

And the alternates...

The Onion Field by Joseph Wambaugh

The events in this book take place in the 1950's and the book was written in the early 1970's but it still reads like it could have happened yesterday. Two small-time thieves take two LAPD detectives hostage and fatally shoot one of them. The events that follow are unbelievable and apparently 100% true. The author tells the story chronologically so it takes about 150 pages to get to the good part. Stick with it, the ending is your reward.

In the Heart of the Sea by Nathaniel Philbrick

This one is worth the read just for the detailed description of 19th Century whaling ships and how they worked. Sounds boring, right? You can't put it down. He sketches the transformation of Nantucket's Quaker churchmen into foul-mouthed sailors drenched in whale blood. Then one of the ships gets rammed by an enraged sperm whale and sinks. The survivors have to eat each other, and how they decide who gets to live and who becomes dinner will blow you away. Also: it's 100% non-fiction.

Under and Alone by William Queen

William Queen is a real-life ATF Special Agent who infiltrates the Mongols Motorcycle Gang in the San Fernando Valley north of Los Angeles. Of course, he is the one telling the story, but even accounting for that, this dude is one bad motorfinger. Not only does he give you a blow-by-blow of all the blows, he tells you how he feels the whole time. I wept. The author has since had to go into hiding in the Witness Protection Program as there is a standing hit out on him in the worldwide Outlaw Motorcycle Gang community. To this day, they are still prosecuting bad guys nationwide from this guy's work! Apparently it is being made into a movie with Mel Gibson attached to play William Queen. Too bad, I would have rather seen Willie Nelson play him...

The Falcon and the Snowman by Robert Lindsey

A true story about a drug dealer and top secret satellite technician who sell American secrets to the Soviets during the cold war. The main characters grew up down the street from where I live now and there are scenes in the book that take place on the sidewalk outside my current address. Also? They spend time in Tucson where I grew up and attend a local church there I am totally familiar with. Scary.

Over the Edge: The True Story of Four American Climbers' Kidnap and Escape in the Mountains of Central Asia by Greg Child

Four young American mountaineers are taken hostage by militant Islamic extremists in the Pamir Alai region of Kyrgyzstan. They escape their punishing captivity by pushing one of their armed captors over a cliff. The author's writing style is wooden at times, but the entire read is worth it for the one scene where the only female survivor is filling out a preliminary questionnaire at a therapist's office and in the space labeled "reason for visit" she puts "taken hostage by militant Islamic extremists in Kyrgyzstan. Had to escape by pushing a guy over a cliff."

A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius by David Eggers

This guy loses both of his parents to cancer back to back. Then he has to raise his younger brother. The weird part? You laugh while you cry. He breaks all the rules of writing: he's self-reflexive, mixes fiction and non-fiction, goes off on long dead-end tangents, doesn't have a beginning, middle, or end. Yet this book works. And I'm not just saying that because Dave Eggers published one of my lists in his popular online literary magazine McSweeney's.

Black Hawk Down: A Story of Modern War by Mark Bowden

I love to say the title of this book as one word: Blackhawkdown. This is the story of unwanted American military intervention that didn't work. So we GOT OUT. That's right: we left. Clinton cut and run. And you know what? America isn't threatened by Somali warlords anymore. Mark Bowden describes what it feels like to be holed up in a third-world alley while an entire hostile city tries to kill you all night long and you are trying to close your buddy's femoral artery while he dies. Then you miss the last Humvee out of Dodge and you have to run for your life to a Pakistani stronghold while hot lead dances in the air. You know you are in a hellhole when the only safety is provided by Pakistanis. One of the soldiers in the book remarks that in the movies, you hear endless gunfire in the battle scenes, but that in real life one yahoo at the end of a street with an AK-47 can hold up an entire column of American infantry until he is dealt with. Mark Bowden has also written another non-fiction page-turner called Killing Pablo: The Hunt for the World's Greatest Outlaw about the capture and death of major drug dude Pablo Escobar. Good times. Good times.

Vengeance: The True Story of an Israeli Counter-Terrorist Team by George Jonas

If you've bothered to read this far you have figured out that I like non-fiction books that describe how it feels to deal with extraordinary events. This book details how it feels to be an assassin. And it is dark. I was actually depressed for a week after reading this book and it is about the good guys. There is one freak-ay scene involving a prostitute/assassin who kills her johns. Then she is killed later in a silenced shootout on a houseboat. It sounds like something out of Ian Fleming, but it is just disturbing and wrong. This whole book is disturbing and wrong.

I Know This Much Is True by Wally Lamb

The only other work of fiction on my list. This novel made Oprah's Book Club but I like it anyway. Wally Lamb is a white male American author working today who writes about 19th Century Palermo, Italy lesbians like he is one. This guy nails characters so perfectly I could swear he knows my father and half the women I've dated (no, I haven't dated any Italian lesbians. But not for lack of trying). This one is a must-read for anybody touched by alcoholism, cancer, or has an immigrant ancestor. So that's just about everybody.

Working: My Life as a Prostitute by Dolores French

The author actually likes being a prostitute and gives the reader insight into what it feels like to work in a high-volume Caribbean brothel. Ever wonder what it's like to deliver a large load of drugs to an Arab businessman in Manhattan and then blow him? Ever want to consecutively entertain three dozen sailors on leave? Ever want to get paid to spank the shit out of a naked man? She'll tell you how.

-Heather, now are you sorry you asked what my favorite book was?

4. Name two things you cannot do without.
Sarcasm and e-mail

5. Boxers or briefs?
Loincloths for work, pantyhose on the weekend...

Top five rules, if you'd like to participate in this as well:

5. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me!"
4. I will respond by e-mailing you five questions. I get to pick them, and you have to answer them all.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
2. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.

And the number one rule, if you'd like to participate in this as well...

1. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

-Jason Rohrblogger

Thursday, April 19, 2007


Top Ten Biblical Horror Movies

10. I Know What You Did Last Supper

9. I Beheld Then Because of the Voice of the Great Words Which the Horn Spake: I Beheld Even Till the Beast Was Slain, and His Body Destroyed, and Given to the Burning Flame

8. Onan the Barbarian

7. Zechariah the 13th

6. Invasion of the Body Judges

5. Children of the Chronicles

4. Texas Chainsaw Maccabees

3. The Little Psalm of Horrors

2. John of the Dead

And the number one biblical horror movie...

1. The Exodusorcist

-Jason Rohrblogger

Sunday, April 15, 2007


All hail Spicy Pants who linked to my Top Ten Rejected Taverns list in her Spicy Weekend Link Love post. What can I say? Spicy Pants is the best looking gossip blogger on the internet and clearly knows talent when she sees it...


Thursday, April 12, 2007


Professional Wrestler or Prison?

10. Super Max

9. Wadi Ayoub

8. Abu Ghraib

7. Big Nasty

6. Big Sandy

5. Argentina Rocca

4. Pollock Grant Parish

3. Jack Brickhouse

3. Jesup Brunswick

2. The Beast

And the number one professional wrestler or prison...

1. The Rock

-Jason Rohrblogger

Odd numbers = professional wrestlers
Even numbers = prisons
Number one (above) = both

And the alternates...

1. Golga
2. Bastille
3. Latino Heat
4. Jericho
5. Thuganomics
6. Al Wathba
7. Nikita Koloff
8. Aktion Reinhard
9. Torbellino Blanco
10. Riker's Island
11. Yukon Braxton
12. Forrest Low
13. Con Bruno
14. Kansas City
15. The Crusher
16. Moshannon
17. El Gran Davis
18. El Reno
19. Ilio DiPaolo
20. Coleman II
21. Espanto I
22. CI Taft
23. Soldat Gorky
24. Maitland Gaol
25. Sangre India
26. Banja Luka
27. Masakazu Fukuda
28. La Sante

Fun prison names I found while writing this list:
Butner Camp
La Tuna
Fort Dix

Friday, April 06, 2007


Top Ten Signs It Is Easter in Iraq

10. Jesus wakes up in tomb after three days; hits snooze bar, rolls over, and sleeps for two more Millennia

9. Children search for pastel-colored hand grenades

8. Shia's dip their chocolate in Sunni's peanut butter

7. Remote-detonated roadside bombs loaded with festive plastique grass

6. Fave jellybean flavor? Sarin nerve gas

5. Ambushes conducted in bright new camouflage battle dress for Spring

4. Spring Break + Tigris and Euphrates = "Kurds Gone Wild"

3. At deeply somber Green Zone Passover Seder, George Bush pledges to sacrifice his firstborn to the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob

2. Easter eggs buried in mass grave

And the number one sign it is Easter in Iraq...

1. Allah Bunny gently reminds folks of the real reason for the season: Death to America!

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternates...

Cadbury Eggs fertilized with yellowcake uranium from Nigeria

Pentagon develops new long-range surface-to-air marshmallow peeps. (Insert your own weapon-of-ass-destruction tag line here)

Tuesday, April 03, 2007


Here's a plug for my latest internet crush. Tisha Sharp blogs about the usual sick kids, errant puppies, and lack of sleep. She's worth blogrolling, however, solely for her posts about work. She's employed in a convalescent home. Now, I love a good dick joke, poop story, or awkward masturbation reference as much as the next juvenile laptop junkie. And she delivers. Enjoy...

Jason Rohrblogger's Top Ten Fave Lines from The World According to Tish

10. "Lemme tell you, brothers and sisters, I have been places you ain't never been." Monique singsonged into a Mr. Microphone. "Sex, drugs, rock and roll, oh yes, people! ...I didn't need Jesus when I was having sex with two men, no ma'am! I thought all that rubbing, all that touching and bumping was what love was all about."

9. I barely could understand what the diminutive French man said, but I took offense to his hand gestures so I had to slap him. Good thing National Enquirer photogs were nowhere near.

8. Then yes, I danced like a crazy woman.

7. I slept in every day only to be awakened by the sounds of my breakfast being prepared by hairless Guatemalan men....

6. I can't really compare it to prison.

5. She leaned over a most eager 80 year old double amputee man. His stumps flipped up and down as she hugged him tightly.

4. "Tish, your physical therapist. We exercise your legs, remember?" I knelt down to pat her knees..and then she kicked me square in the chest, knocking me to the floor.
"Yep, I know you. I was sore for three days after you."

3. ....after five Sapphire and tonics, all I heard was TISH and my giggles.

2. Masturbation Olympics

And Jason Rohrblogger's number one fave line in The World According to Tish...

1. "I used to see a man and jus' think 'bout what I could do to him, what he could do to me, and whammo, it wasn't nothing for us to get busy right there in the parking lot.... But then I found JESUS, people, JESUS...." She ended with a prayer, a long sigh, and what I thought was a body tremor.

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternates...

I hate to brag at this point to all of the parents that might be reading this, but here goes and I do say this with a 'nah-nah' voice:

One may be the loneliest number but it sure sounds great to me.

No can do, kiddo, but you can devote your next CD to the woman who said these three words to you and meant them: FOCUS ON ME. naked down our street holding hands with an invisible Bob Hope...


I was asked to provide my inhaler which in all truth was lost in a bar somewhere in North Dakota in 1993. Don't ask.

Hitting a patient is wrong.

I do expect at least six of you to volunteer for puppy adoption. Hear me? SIX OF YOU.

I bet your husband drinks a lot.

As I helped Mr. Phallica walk with a walker, he used his elbow to squeeze my right 'bosom' tightly.
"Your wife wouldn't like that," I scolded him.
"If you gonna put it out there..." and he added a chicken wing movement.
"Time to weigh, Harry." A large nurse waddled by.
"With or without the hard-on?" He grinned at her blush.
"What the hell? Let's see what you got today." I patted his back as we continued our stroll up the rainbow hallway.