Top Ten Board Games Inspired by Congress
10. Hungry, Hungry Demos
9. Monopelosi
8. Repulikub
7. Connect Pork
6. House Trap
5. Kickbackgammon
4. John McCranium
3. Scandaland
2. Budgets and Dragons
And the number one board game inspired by Congress...
1. Sorry Taboo Risk Checkers in Trivial Pursuit of a Clue
-Jason Rohrbacker
(7/15/09)
I'm casting an appreciation spell on Jack over at Fat Jack's Erratic Rants for linking to my Michael Jackson and Harry Potter lists.
I'm sure Michael Jackson thought of the regular Harry Potter movies as porn.
Thanks for sending me more links than a sausage party. Wait, that doesn't sound right...
-Rohrblogger
Top Ten Harry Potter Porn Movie Titles
10. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Passionate Surrender
9. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Bone
8. Hairy Pot, Her
7. Nearly Headless Dick
6. Muggles n' Snuggles
5. Harry Potter and the Lost Virginity
4. Hermione Does Des Moines
3. Cornelius Fudge Packer
2. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
And the number one Harry Potter porn movie title...
1. Harry Potter II: The Wrath of Cock
-Jason Rohrblogger
(07/09/07)
And the alternates...
Professor McGonad-gall
Erectus Humungous
Top Ten Surprises at Michael Jackson's Funeral
10. Bubbles the Chimp throwing himself on the casket screeching "No, take me instead!"
9. Separate mini-coffins for all of Michael's noses
8. Remains thrown in with Elephant Man's bones
7. Billie Jean sues for custody of the kids
6. Pallbearers moonwalk to the grave
5. Sponsored by Pepsi
4. Macaulay Culkin flown at half mast
3. Was embalmed long before he died
2. Elvis' body actually in casket
And the number one surprise at Michael Jackson's funeral...
1. A phalanx of zombies rise from the dead and dance
-Jason Rohrblogger
(7/9/09)
Top Ten Thoughts on the Drive Home from Vegas
10. Why didn't I leave the craps table while I was on a roll?
9. Why didn't I leave the buffet table with a single dinner roll?
8. Why did I mix my alcohols?
7. How long will my car smell like stale beer and regret?
6. Why am I learning this lesson again?
5. Why did I double down on a pair of twos?
4. Why did the ATM machine keep my card?
3. Why didn't I get any sleep?
2. Where is my dignity?
And the number one thought on the drive home from Vegas...
1. Maybe I can stop in Stateline and win it all back
-Jason Rohrblogger
(07/06/09)
And the alternates...
What was I thinking?
Why does it burn when I pee?
I can't wait to go back
Why does my mouth taste like warm asphalt and rum?
How much would a pawn shop give me for my dead mother's wedding ring?
I'm cool with Siegfried, but Roy is kind of a jerk
Top Ten Thoughts on the Drive to Vegas
10. Vegas, baby, Vegas!
9. Maybe I'll hit a jackpot big enough to pay for the whole trip and some left over to play with
8. I am going to put the big hurt on a buffet
7. I am going to bankrupt the casino with free drinks
6. This is going to be just like "The Hangover!"
5. I'll be sure to use the hotel pool, gym, discount happy hour, and bed
4. I will only spend 10% of my money on strippers
3. Can't wait to deploy my disciplined book-learned foolproof Blackjack system
2. This is going to be the best trip ever.
And the number one thought on the drive to Vegas...
1. It's time for a pro like me to show these amateurs how it's done
-Jason Rohrblogger
(7/3/09)
Top Ten Totally Tasteless Jokes about Michael Jackson
10. Q: What are Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, and Michael Jackson expecting for Christmas?
A: Patrick Swayze
9. Michael Jackson hasn't been this stiff since Macaulay Culkin spent the night at Neverland Ranch.
8. McDonald's is making a Michael McJackson sandwich. It's a fifty-year-old piece of white meat between two eight-year-old buns.
7. Michael Jackson's doctor calls 911 and tells the operator that Michael has had a heart attack. The operator asks, "Have you started CPR?" "No," replies the doctor. "Have you started artificial respiration, or a defibrillator?" "No," states the doctor, again. The operator shouts, "Well, you better be startin' somethin'!"
6. They were thinking he may have died from food poisoning because he ate a twelve-year-old wiener.
5. Because Jackson's body was 95% plastic, he will be melted down and turned into Legos, this way kids can play with him for a change.
4. Farrah Fawcett arrived at the Pearly Gates and God asked her what He could do for her having led such an honest life. Farrah asked God to simply make sure the children of the world were safe. Five minutes later, Michael Jackson died.
3. Doctors are looking into claims that Michael Jackson's death could have been caused by an allergic reaction from eating ten-year-old nuts.
2. What was Michael Jackson's last hit? The floor!
And the number one totally tasteless Michael Jackson joke...
1. Rumors that Michael Jackson has died of a heart attack in his home are untrue. He actually died having a stroke in the children's ward.
-Jason Rohrblogger
(6/30/09)
And the alternates...
Madonna sent her condolences to the Jackson family. Then asked how much they wanted for the kids.
Breaking News: Casper the friendly ghost was molested in the early hours of this morning!
In the spirit of recycling, Michael Jackson will be melted down into plastic party cups so kids can still get their lips around his rim.
In accordance with Michael Jackson's will, little boys' pants shall be flown at half-mast today.
Michael Jackson will always be with us, he is not biodegradable.
Michael Jackson's death has now been ruled a suicide. Apparently doctors told him that the only way he could get whiter was if he died.
Only in America can someone be born a good-looking black kid, and die an ugly white woman.
Michael Jackson died of a heart attack. He really should not have looked at the man in the mirror.
When police swarmed all over the Neverland Ranch, they found a lot of items that needed explaining. Like the wedding photo with Lisa Marie Presley.
Legal experts say that Michael Jackson's defense really didn't play the race card because they didn't know which race to play.
It's like they always say, if you're rich and white, you can get away with anything.
O.J. Simpson and Michael Jackson were at Johnny Cochran's funeral. Michael corners O.J. and asks, "How do you get stains off a glove?"
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Dick Cheney? One has pasty white skin, fake body parts and he's creepy, the other one is Michael Jackson.
Did you hear Michael met with a priest? Not for spiritual advice, they went on a double date.
Michael Jackson's current state summed up in three words: dead man moonwalking.
Angelic ups to Jack over at Fat Jack's Erratic Rants for linking to my Top Ten Things Overheard in Heaven Last Week list.
Jack is such a frequent linker here, I have added a permanent link to him in my sidebar over there.
May Jack have many more posts here on Earth before joining Ed, Farrah, Michael, and Billy Mays at the Great Blog in the Sky...
-Rohrblogger
Top Ten Things Overheard in Heaven Last Week
10. Oh, I'm sorry. You don't appear to be on the list. We were expecting Larry King, Elizabeth Taylor, or Snoop Dogg.
9. We have cherubim, seraphim, and arch. Nothing about Charlie's.
8. Hi-yo! Wheeeeeere's Johnny?
7. Quick, hide all the kids on the carousel!
6. We've got room in the Jimi Hendrix Wing for two drug addicts and an alcoholic
5. There's an ex-Witness here who wants to speak with Jehovah
4. I'll have a scotch and holy water
3. Several popes still have your poster up
2. You may have already won one million dollars
And the number one thing overheard in Heaven last week...
1. Mamma-see mamma-sa ma-ma-koosa, shamon, ee-hee-hee
-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/27/09)
And the alternate...
Who is the old lady in line with Ed and Farrah?
Wendy Atterberry over at CNN writes her hilarous 10 Wedding Vows I'm Making to YOU list.
I am totally stealing her premise and writing my own Top Ten Wedding Vows
10. I promise to love, honor, and cherish you, but not your endless daddy issues or that fight you are still having with your mother over that time she wouldn't let you wear eyeliner to the 6th grade dance
9. I will get along with your brother even if he is the Largest Idiot Known to Man
8. I will never give you some lame excuse why I don't have a gift for Valentines Day like "Ah, c'mon baby, EVERYDAY is Valentines Day!"
7. I can do my own laundry, cook my own meals, and buy my own clothes, but thanks for the offer
6. I will never refer to you as "my ball and chain." (I may refer to you as "that poor sucker who agreed to marry me.")
5. I promise not to spend our last penny on a sports car or boat (if you promise not to demand that fourth child)
4. I will always call to check-in unless I am really wasted, in which case I will drunk dial you incessantly with whiskey-soaked gibberish about how much I love you
3. I will not awkwardly hit on your friends (or my friends)
2. I will maintain my own life, involving happy hour and chicken wings, once in awhile to give you a break
And my number one wedding vow...
1. I will rock your world beyond all worlds that have ever been rocked in the history of world rockage
-Jason Rohrblogger
(6/24/09)
Top Ten Reality Television Shows I'd Watch
10. America's Most Anorexic
9. I'm a Celebrity Get Me Rehab
8. The Cellmate
7. Survivor with Dave Bickler, Frankie Sullivan, Jim Peterik, Stephan Ellis, and Marc Droubay
6. America's Funniest Home Invasions
5. The Toxic Bachelor starring O.J. Simpson
4. Howie Blew It
3. The Real Hutwives of Ghana
2. Jon and Kate plus Hate
And the number one reality television show I'd watch...
1. Deadliest COPS
-Jason Rohrblogger
(6/21/09)
And the alternates...
America's Next Bottom Model
So You Think You Can Prance
Ice Road F*ckers
Queer Eye for the Last Comic Standing
Hell's Bedroom
Top Ten Projects in Development at Budweiser
10. Bud Dark Dry Ice Light
9. A Shakespearean talking frog
8. Barnard-educated deeply feminist spokesmodel
7. Michelob Crack
6. Costco 96-pack
5. Near-beer goggles for the far-sighted
4. Kick-start keg tap
3. Morning after pilsner
2. Powdered instant beer
And the number one project in development at Budweiser...
1. Brew skis
-Jason Rohrblogger
06/04/06
And the alternates...
Lager Blogger
Heiferweisen
Lippy model with a pout to tout stout
Beer-Ade (Oh, yeah!)
Here at Jason Rohrblogger's Top Ten we only rip off the most tired and shopworn cliché premises to waste your internet time:
You Might be Al Qaeda if...
10. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer
9. You own a $300 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes
8. You have more wives than teeth
7. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide
6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared jihad against
5. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry high explosives
4. You ask, "Does this burka make me look fat?"
3. You'd walk a mile for a camel
2. You gush, "I love what you've done with your cave."
And the number one you might be Al Qaeda if...
1. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon unclean
-Jason Rohrblogger
(6/9/09)
And the alternates...
You spend the weekend polishing your goat
You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs
Top Ten Signs You Drive a POS
10. You fill the tank and it doubles in value
9. It goes 0-60 in 7.4 minutes
8. You spill your capuccino on the upholstery. The insurance company considers it a total loss
7. It approaches the speed of dark
6. You have to take the whole front end off to get the passenger side window up
5. You're soaking in it
4. It's a Fiat Flintstone powered by your feet poking through the floor
3. Badging contains the spelling mistake "Ford Ficus."
2. Engineering by Eddie Bauer, styling by Ford
And the number one sign you drive a POS...
1. If one more passenger dies from the fumes, you will have to exit the carpool lane
-Jason Rohrblogger
(05/31/05)
Top Ten Projects in Development in North Korea
10. A nucular missile
9. An export car even smaller and cheaper than a Kia
8. A socioeconomic structure and political ideology that promotes the establishment of an egalitarian, classless, stateless society based on common ownership and control of the means of production and property in general by a whacked out dude with bad hair
7. Studio 54th Parallel
6. Kim Jung II: The Wrath of Il
5. An Asian Pope
4. A Marxist-Leninist dialectic that brings all the boys to the yard
3. New game show: Meal of Fortune
2. Bid to get DMX to play the DMZ
And the number one project in development in North Korea...
1. Amusement park: Totalitari-Fun!
-Jason Rohrblogger
(6/2/09)
Gracias grandes a Héctor Fabricio Flores por enlazar a mi Top Ten Victoria's Secret Models la lista encima en Tva ¡Wow! blog. Usted es mi preferencia diez ultima por todas las cosas español...
¡Que rica!
-Rohrblogger
Top Ten Rejected Forms of Contraception
10. The Patch Adams
9. The IOU
8. Denial
7. Syncopated Rhythm Method
6. Plan C
5. The Breast Implant
4. Morning After Kill
3. Absinthence
2. Nuva Wedding Ring
And the number one rejected form of contraception...
1. Prayer
-Jason Rohrblogger
(04/06/06)
Top Ten Rejected Summer Movie Sequels
10. Cold Mountain Deux
9. Titanic's Revenge of the Titanic: Icebergs in Paradise
8. Debbie Does Fallujah
7. Last Tango in Paris Hilton
6. Like Water for Chocolate Thunder Downunder
5. Snatch'd and Snatch'rer
4. Chasing Amy's Papi
3. The Sound of Music II: Electric Boogaloo
2. Bachelor Ba'ath Party
And the number one rejected summer movie sequel...
1. You Got Smurfed
-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/06/04)
And the alternates...
Gulf War 3-D
Left Behinderer
Shallow Halitosis
The Gas-Electric Hybrid Horseman
Big Trouble in Little Baghdad
American Pie 3.14159265
My Big Fat Greek Divorce
Bad News Angels and Demons
Losin' It II: Finding It Again
Harry Potter and the Endless Merchandising of Doom
Fast & Bi-Furious
Sherlock Homie
The Taking of Pelham 456
Top Ten Signs It's Summer in Los Angeles
10. Tanning beds mothballed until Fall
9. Smog layer glistens
8. Buses disgorge fresh batch of teenage runaways from Midwest
7. Four-hour waits at DPSO: Discount Plastic Surgery Outlet
6. New seasonal Coke flavor: SPF 30
5. Roseanne Barr takes down her Christmas decorations
4. Smokers forced to stand outside in sun risking two forms of cancer
3. Characters at Disneyland issued tank tops and cut-offs
2. Marines storm Paris Hilton's beach blanket in effort to stem the tide of herpes
And the number one sign it's summer in Los Angeles...
1. Film critics praise screening of "Angels & Demons" as "...fabulously air-conditioned..."
-Jason Rohrblogger
(05/07/05)
And the alternate...
Richard Simmons' star on Hollywood Walk of Fame bursts into flames
Top Ten Projects in Development at Google
10. Ads based on how early in the morning you are still on Facebook trying to get a date
9. A web browser that doesn't suck
8. Ability to help rocking horse people find marshmallow pies
7. Text ads in braille
6. Page rank system that returns results based on whether or not Simon Cowell likes them
5. Ability to search your feelings, you know it to be true
4. Location of Waldo, Carmen San Diego, and Osama bin Laden
3. G-spot mail
2. 1.2 million results per page
And the number one project in development at Google...
1. A search function to find your lost virginity
-Jason Rohrblogger
(5/21/09)
Top Ten Signs You are at a Bad Circus
10. Some clown won't quit hitting on you
9. Sideshow is Perez Hilton interviewing Lady Gaga
8. Clown car comfortably seats four
7. Britney Spears won't quit singing
6. Sad clown all hopped up on Prozac
5. Cotton candy is 60% real cotton
4. One ring to rule them all, one ring to find them, one ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them
3. Lion tamer spends forty-five minutes taunting Montecore
2. Tent smells like diet meth and Crystal Pepsi
And the number one sign you are at a bad circus...
1. Michael Buffer opens the show with "Let's get ready to rumble!"
-Jason Rohrblogger
(5/18/09)
Top Ten Republican Comeback Ideas
10. Shoot ALL lawyers in the face
9. Palin/Prejean 2012
8. Free KFC for everyone!
7. Stop politicizing abortion, global warming, evolution, gay marriage, and cable news networks
6. Get Octomom to register all of her offspring, get off welfare
5. Pass a budget that actually lowers taxes and reduces government
4. Exploding cigar sent to Jon Stewart
3. Cut and run
2. Hire Rielle Hunter to videotape Barack Obama
And the number one Republican comeback idea...
1. They send one of yours to the senate, you send one of theirs to the morgue
-Jason Rohrblogger
(5/15/09)
And the alternates...
Rumsfeld/Limbaugh 2016
Preemptive war with France
Find Osama bin Laden, make him run against Arlen Specter
Nuke Berkeley
Medium-sized ups to Jack over at Fat Jack's Erratic Rants for linking to my Top Ten Ways I am Downsizing in this Economy list.
Normally I would go on and on about how awesome Jack is, but all I can afford is to offer him some of my filet mignramen.
Thanks for answering the call: "Brother can you spare a link?"
-Rohrblogger
Sorry about the huge empty space in this post! I write HTML table code the way George W. Bush speaks English.
Insult Generator (Insulterator?)
Sometimes life calls for more than just a token epithet to register your loathing and disgust. Pick one from Column A, one from Column B, and one from Column C. Wars have been started for less. Click here to begin...
-Jason Rohrblogger
(5/12/09)
Top Ten Ways I am Downsizing in this Economy
10. Caviar and champale
9. No longer wear designer tattoos
8. Generic heroin
7. Moved from 10,000 square-foot mansion into 10,000 square-foot mobile home
6. Stopped wearing Magnum condoms
5. Stewards on my private jet no longer serve bottled water
4. Also buying used men's underwear on eBay
3. Vacationing in Darfur this season
2. Replacing fine coffee normally served with Folger's Crystals
And the number one way I am downsizing in this economy...
1. Each mistress must make do with only one Jaguar. Hybrid.
-Jason Rohrblogger
(5/09/09)
And the alternates...
Limited to dipping every other chicken wing in ranch dressing
Big-screen TV on my yacht gets basic cable
Natty Light
Only requesting songs on two-fer Tuesday
Gold plating on hall toilet merely 5mm thick
No more filters on my cigarettes
Triangular zirconia
Selling one girl-child to the producers of "Slumdog Millionaire"
Traded in framed Jackson Pollock for a bunch of spilled paint
Whenever I buy one, I always ask for one free
Fleet of Hummers fueled with leftover margarita mix
Less bling
Big thanks to Tracy over at The Barger Blog for reposting my Top Ten Swine Flu Symptoms list and linking to it.
This post appears contagious! We have three confirmed cases...
Thanks for the (sausage) link love, Tracy!
-Rohrblogger
Top Ten Wife One-liners
10. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
-David Bissonette
9. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
-Sacha Guitry
8. By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-Socrates
7. Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
-Alexandre Dumas
6. The great question, which I have not been able to answer is, "What does a woman want?"
-Voltaire
5. I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
-Sigmund Freud
4. Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
-Henny Youngman
3. I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.
-James Holt McGavra
2. Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
A) Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
B) Whenever you're right, shut up.
-Patrick Murra
And the number one wife one-liner...
1. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
-Ogden Nash
-Jason Rohrblogger
(5/6/09)
And the alternates...
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
-Randall Milton Hoff
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-Henny Youngman
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
-Rodney Dangerfield
A man inserted an ad in the classifieds, "Wife wanted." Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing, "You can have mine."
-Sidney Acera
First Guy (proudly): My wife's an angel!
Second Guy: You're lucky, mine's still alive.
-Roger S. Canter
There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.
-Sam Kinison
Porcine props to Jack over at Fat Jack's Erratic Rants for linking to my Top Ten Swine Flu Symptoms post.
Hope you put on a mask before you read the list, Jack. I didn't put a sneeze guard up and I've apparently infected the entire internet.
Hopefully my list will mutate slightly as it spreads so it can never be stopped. Mwah ha -hack- -cough- -choke-. Thanks again for being my patient zero...
-Rohrblogger
Top Ten Tabloid Stories I'd Like to See
10. Barrack Obama's love child with Nicole Brown Simpson
9. 98lb Oprah: "I am NOT anorexic!"
8. Lindsey Lohan/Paris Hilton sex tape
7. Perez Hilton dating Miss USA
6. Nostradamus predicts you will have spaghetti for lunch
5. Jennifer Aniston pregnant with Brad Pitt's octuplets
4. Spencer Pratt leaves Heidi Montag for even younger, hotter, needier woman
3. Blind item: what well-known TV personality goes home to her husband and kids every night and makes dinner?
2. Paparazzi catch Amy Winehouse at church and then the library
And the number on tabloid item I'd like to see...
1. Sober Mel Gibson arrested on outstanding warrants. He's completely respectful to everyone, and apologizes to his wife for everything
-Jason Rohrblogger
(5/3/09)
Top Ten Swine Flu Symptoms
10. Bacon tastes "funny"
9. Boyfriend demands you wallow
8. You respond to the question, "Can pigs fly?" with, "No, swine flu."
7. Prefer your flu shot honey-baked
6. You are no longer kosher
5. Litter of eight children no longer seems unusual (Octomom only)
4. Snout constantly dripping
3. Bird flu seams, like, so 2003
2. Sam I Am will not eat green eggs and you
And the number one swine flu symptom...
1. Aching, fever, coughing, and CNN cameras in your bed
-Jason Rohrblogger
(4/30/09)
Top Ten Approved Interrogation Techniques
10. Forced watching of Two and Half Men
9. Waiting in line at the DMV for up to 24 hours
8. Roseanne Boarding
7. Put on hold indefinitely
6. Shot in the face by Dick Cheney
4. Pizza arrives in less than thirty minutes, but the crazy bread has the wrong dipping sauce
3. Locked in a box with Danny Bonaduce
2. Mock job interview
And the number one approved interrogation technique...
1. Explaining just where the hell you have been for the last three years! We were worried sick about you!
-Jason Rohrblogger
(4/27/09)
Top Ten Somali Pirate Excuses
10. Thought they were holding the Captain & Tennille
9. Needed 100 metric tons of plastic souvenirs and Chinese knockoff watches
8. Really like boats
7. Wanted to meet Johnny Depp
6. Heard they could club the Navy SEALs and take their fur
5. Was told there would be rum
4. Celebrating Angelina Jolie's latest pregnancy
3. Going to Surf City just to have some fun
2. Merely replacing the fine shipping normally served with Folger's Crystals to see if anyone notices
And the number one Somali pirate excuse...
1. Was hoping to inspire the sequel "Black Hawk Downer"
-Jason Rohrblogger
(4/20/09)
Top Ten Shakespearean Porn Movies
10. A Midsummer Nights Cream
9. King Leer
8. As You Lick It
7. Two Gentlemen in Verona
6. Handle It
5. Twelfth Night
4. Love's Labours Long
3. Taming of the Screw
2. Winter's Tail
And the number one Shakespearean porn movie...
1. Romeo and Juliet and Antony and Cleopatra
-Jason Rohrblogger
(4/17/09)
And the alternates...
Comedy of Rears
Titus Androgynous
Merchant of Fine Ass
Henry the Eight Inches
Testicles and Fellatio
Masturbeth
All's Well that Ends Happy
Top Ten Rejected Star Trek Characters
10. Madeline Khan Noonien Singh
9. Snotty
8. Spock Remover
7. Uwhora
6. P'lot Com P'lication
5. Ensign Expendable
4. Sequela
3. Ertha Ling
2. Chekov Thelist
And the number one rejected Star Trek character...
1. Captain Jerk
-Jason Rohrblogger
(4/14/09)
And the alternates...
Fisherman's Worf
Helen of Troi
Bjorn Borg
Seven of Pi
Captain Han Sulu
Top Ten Least Popular Gated Communities
10. The Twin Oaks at Rancid Rivers Pointe Landfill
9. The Manors of the Falls of the Landings of the Creeks of the Hunters Run at Michael Bay
8. The Estates at Hickory Dickory Docks
7. Oppressive Home Owner's Association at Huntington Cheshire Oxford Manchester Wood on the Green
6. Shady Acres at Cemetery Avalanche Ridge
5. Westgate Eastlawn Mobile Estates at Floodplain Tornado Valley Prison Farms
4. Waiting to Die at Leisure World Condo-Closet Homes
3. Southside Crack Dens at Ghetto Grove
2. Long Walk at Short Pier
And the number one least popular gated community...
1. Superfund Clearcut Stripmine Promenade at Stranded Random Toxic Density Overload Radioactive Mute Place
-Jason Rohrblogger
(4/11/09)
And the alternates...
The Police Lines at Homicide Hills Morgue Links
The Parking Lots at Three-Hour Commute Lanes
The Grassy Knolls at Assassins Plaza
The Three Mile Islands at Peninsula Foothills Isthmus Volcano
Top Ten Rejected Military Operation Code Names
10. Operation Sissy Pants
9. Rogue Clown
8. Orchestral Maneuvers in the Dark
7. Valkyrie Kilmer
6. Pouty Puss
5. Vanilla Fury
4. Flaming Lips
3. Tickle the Enemy
2. Wax On, Wax Off
And the number one rejected military operation code name...
1. Sassy Scarf
-Jason Rohrblogger
(4/8/09)
And the alternates...
Guns n' Roses. Well, Mostly Guns with Just a Few Roses.
Female Objectification
Lightning Snail
Shock and Ball
Market Garden Tool
Special OPP, Yeah You Know Me
Beer Run
My buddy Dave over at Bourbon Cowboy got a hilarious list published in McSweeney's: Unpopular Mardi Gras Shouts
Here are my absolute faves:
"Show me your bra, as long as it's somewhat modest!"
"Adjust your pants slightly!"
"Take off your wimple!"
"Flash me in such an oblique way that I can still post the pics on Facebook!"
"Thank you for your drunken generosity!"
It's a great premise and a flawless execution. I would have also accepted:
You put the fat in Fat Tuesday!
Show me your bro!
and
Put it back on! Put it back on!
-Jason Rohrblogger
Top Ten Rejected Pussy Cat Doll Stage Names
10. Mercedes Porsche
9. Chlamydia
8. Sylvia Plath
7. Cheyenne Laramie
6. Clementine
5. Rihanna Montana
4. Octomom
3. Ikhyd Kal-el
2. Butch Diesel
And the number one rejected Pussy Cat Doll stage name...
1. Oprah Gayle
-Jason Rohrblogger
(4/2/09)
Jenn over at Patience is a Virtue recently sent me my first Christopher Moore book Practical Demonkeeping. Christopher Moore books are what result when the creators of Scooby Doo are drunk novelists instead of stoned cartoon writers...
Top Ten Christopher Moore Quotes
10. If you think anyone is sane you just don't know enough about them.
9. Don't be ridiculous, Charlie, people love the parents who beat their kids in department stores. Its the ones who just let their kids wreak havoc that everybody hates.
8. Only cops and vampires have to have an invitation to enter.
7. Christmas crept into Pine Cove like a creeping Christmas thing: dragging garland, ribbon, and sleigh bells, oozing eggnog, reeking of pine, and threatening festive doom like a cold sore under the mistletoe.
6. Not unlike the toaster, I control darkness.
5. Nobody's perfect. Well, there was this one guy, but we killed him....
4. She's so small, yet she contains so much evil.
3. Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry, you can't have a baby brother, because that would mean that Daddy had sex, and that's never going to happen again.
2. I've seen more intelligence in the crotch lice of harem whores.
And the number one Christopher Moore quote...
1. People, generally, suck.
-Jason Rohrblogger
(3/30/39)
Top Ten Rejected Camouflage Patterns
10. Jungle Boogie
9. Dessert Storm
8. GothPunk
7. Suburban Warfare
6. Tees n' Greens
5. Forest Whitaker
3. Woodland Memorial
2. Martini Olive Drab
And the number one rejected camouflage pattern...
1. Strawberry Snowcake
-Jason Rohrblogger
(3/24/09)
And the alternates...
Liger Stripe
Party Dress Uniform
I have some friends with the last name Eiler who are having a boy. They asked me to come up with some non-Jason names (I don't condone this). Be careful what you wish for...
Top Ten Baby Eiler Names
10. Private Eiler
9. Wile E. Eiler
8. Vanilla Eiler
7. Boutros Boutros Eiler
6. Jed Eiler-Knight
5. Deef Eiler
4. Eval Eiler
3. Oprah Uma Eiler
2. Ezekiel Yahweh Eiler - EYE
And the number one baby Eiler name...
1. Zeig Eiler
-Jason Rohrblogger
(3/24/09)
And the alternates...
Al
Skyler
Tyler
Aye Aye
Neil F.
Dude
LaFawnda
Chode
Taint
Laurence
Rasputin
Sirhan Sirhan
Pol Pot
Mussolini
Son of Sam
Malcolm Jamal
Note: Today's premise was stolen wholesale from SuziJane over at Chronic Listaholic.
Top Ten Jeopardy Categories Jason Rohrblogger Would Totally Kick Ass On
10. Ways to Avoid Work
9. Internet Porn
8. Procrastinations
7. Jack Daniels
6. Sleeping In
5. Impotent Potables
4. Awkwardly Hitting on My Coworkers
3. The Bible
2. Folger's Crystals
And the number one Jeopardy category Jason Rohrblogger would totally kick ass on...
1. Keg Stands
-Jason Rohrblogger
(04/26/06)
And the alternates...
Name That Infection
Hair Bands
Chugging
Stolen Premises
Volkswagen is trying to appeal to a more urban demographic with their current "unpimp your ride" ad campaign. Here are the vehicles car companies didn't use...
Top Ten Rejected Inner-city Car Names
10. Pontiac Pimp Stick
9. VW Ghetto Wagon
8. Yugo, Girl
7. Toyota Truqué
6. Aston Martin Luther King
5. Babydaddy-Benz
4. Dodge Dimebag
3. Saab Story
2. Buick Booticall
And the number one rejected inner-city car name...
1. Audi Here
-Jason Rohrblogger
(04/07/06)
And the alternates...
Chrysler New Jack City
Lincoln "Boom Boom" Washington
Backalley HUMMER
Alfa Lil' Romeo
Nissan Neckroll
Cadillac Crackilade
Jeep Slut
Scion Scrilla
Honda Ho Down
Easy Eagle
Peugeot Daddy?
Top Ten Screen Savers or Led Zeppelin Songs
10. The Ocean
9. Flying Toasters
8. In The Light
7. Windows IV
6. Black Dog
5. Starfield
4. Four Sticks
3. 3D Flowerbox
2. Mystify
And the number one screen saver or Led Zeppelin song...
1. Stairway to Heaven
-Jason Rohrblogger
(3/15/09)
And the alternates...
Black Mountain Side
Cathedral
Celebration Day
Custard Pie
Down By The Seaside
Flying Clocks
Houses Of The Holy
In The Evening
Kashmir
Night Flight
Out On The Tiles
Over the Hills and Far Away
Ozone Baby
Royal Orleans
South Bound Suarez
Tangerine
Tea For One
White Summer
Top Ten Reasons Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston Broke Up
10. He can't skin a bear the way she likes
9. She wants to have thirteen more babies to tie Octo-mom
8. Turns out he's NOT the heir to the Levi's fortune
7. He was looking at Beckah outside of Orange Julius at the mall and Beckah was all, "hi," and he was all, "hey, Beckah." Shee-yah! Like Bristol's gonna put up with THAT?
6. He wants to devote more time to his family
5. She wanted to see "Confessions of a Shopaholic" he wanted to see "Watchmen"
4. Exhaustion
3. Her family was nuts!
2. His father wouldn't resign from the sheriff's office
And the number one reason Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston broke up...
1. He changed his MySpace status to "Democrat"
-Jason Rohrblogger
(3/12/09)
And the alternates...
Did it for the sake of the child
He's STILL pissed about the way Sarah threw the election for McCain
She wants to marry her cousin, Ashley Wilkes
His bailout package isn't very large
Here's an oldie but a goodie from 2006...
Top Ten Signs You Are Carrying Tom Cruise's Baby
10. Heart-monitor beeps out theme to Mission: Impossible
9. Child already same height as the father
8. You've grown fond of the first name Elron
7. After disappointing second trimester, third trimester goes straight to DVD
6. Sometimes you just gotta say "What the heck"
5. Birth video directed by Michael Bay
4. Due on the 4th of July
3. Fetus jumps on your spleen whenever you watch Oprah
2. Your relationship has already jumped the shark
And the number one sign you are carrying Tom Cruise's baby...
1. After a cocktail of vanilla sky vodka you hold your eyes wide shut as he taps out endless love with all the right moves. After the last samurai, you've had a few good men, some young guns, but they were the outsiders because he is far and away the legend, the top gun, in the risky business of losin' it. He is the firm magnolia that brings you days of thunder and rain, man; the power of the world's collateral fades, like the color of money, and sounds like the distant minority report of fireworks born on the Fourth of July.
-Jason Rohrblogger
(02/10/06)
Top Ten Things I am Ashamed to Admit I Love
10. John Grisham novels - Yes his pulp is hopelessly formulaic. Yes he types his novels with only one hand while on vacation in Italy. He's the only fiction I will read.
9. Flashdance, Sound of Music, and Grease - Yes I'm straight. And I have worn out two Flashdance soundtracks. Sadly, I am not making this up.
8. Ford Windstar - This is my company car. Yes it's dumpy. Yes it's a Ford. But it's roomy, efficient, fast enough, and the A/C blows ice cold.
7. The Atkins Diet - Yes meat is murder. Yes I'm going to die of a heart attack at forty-two. But I'll be skinny and full of bacon double cheeseburgers.
6. Hillary Clinton - Yes she is shrill. But she's about to the lay the smack down on the rest of the world for Obama. Jason likey.
5. Cheeseball 70s acts like Neil Diamond, Bread, and Looking Glass - Sweet Caroline, good times never seemed so good!
4. 30 Rock - Yes it's completely silly. And I can't get enough! I want to go there.
3. Nickelback - Yeah, I know, I know. Please don't tell other people, okay?
2. Vienna Sausages - Yes they are ground up chicken lips. And they are SO GOOD!
And the number one thing I am ashamed to admit I love...
1. LOL cats - This crap is funny, I don't care who you are.
-Jason Rohrblogger
(3/6/09)
Top Ten Los Angeles Kings Excuses
10. Completely distracted by Octo-mom
9. Lost puck in the glare of the sun
8. When playing the Calgary Flames, want to be referred to as the Los Angeles Queens
7. Still trying to figure out how to pronounce "Robitaille"
6. Didn't get large enough bailout package
5. Upset that "Mighty Ducks IV: Duck in the City" won't be shot at Staples Center
4. Waiting for Wayne Gretzky to come back
3. Got Zamboned
2. Pet chimp being trained as goalie went berserk
And the number one Los Angeles Kings excuse...
1. They suck
-Jason Rohrblogger
(3/3/09)
Top Ten Signs I am Getting Old
10. Dingbat girls slinging toxic wings at Hooters can't hold my interest
9. I get Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner-reference jokes
8. I'd rather have the drink than the lap dance
7. No longer have to test my car's top speed. In a school zone. In the rain.
6. Went from beer and whiskey to Metamucil and Advil
5. I know the difference between term life, whole life, universal, and variable insurance
4. Won't quit my job if it conflicts with AC/DC's touring schedule
3. I can remember when there were no microwaves, VCRs, cell phones, or internet
2. I know what my cholesterol and PSA levels are
And the number one sign I am getting old...
1. The Victoria's Secret calendar no longer precipitates a wrist injury
-Jason Rohrblogger
(2/28/09)
Top Ten Habits of Highly Effective Professional Baseball Players
10. Cocaine
9. Hookers
8. Chewing tobacco
7. Alcohol
6. Wife beating
5. Corking
4. Drunk driving
3. Divorce
2. Gambling
And the number one habit of highly effective professional baseball players...
1. Steroids
-Jason Rohrblogger
(2/25/09)
A hirsute thank-you to Jack over at Fat Jack's Erratic Rants for linking to my Top Ten Signs your Pet Chimpanzee has Gone Bad list.
I want Jack to star in my next Hollywood creation: "Night of the Day of the Dawn of the Son of the Bride of the Return of the Revenge of the Terror of the Attack of the Evil, Mutant, Hellbound, Flesh-Eating, Zombified, SubHumanoid Living Dead Vampire Karate Links, Part 5 in IMAX 3-D (The Musical!)"
Thanks for the blog love, Jack.
-Jason Rohrblogger
(2/22/09)
Top Ten Signs your Pet Chimpanzee has Gone Bad
10. Orders red wine with fish
9. Poses for the cover of "Chimps Gone Wild II: Primates in Paradise"
8. Bogarts the joint
7. Dismisses "The Real Housewives of New York" with a wave of his prehensile hand
6. Back tattoo
5. Admits his derivatives-based investment fund was just a huge Ponzi scheme
4. Closet smoker
3. Writes acerbic play "Primates and Prejudice"
2. Votes Republican
And the number one sign your pet chimpanzee has gone bad...
1. Refers to Jane Goodall as "That ignorant monkey slut"
-Jason Rohrblogger
(2/22/09)
And the alternates...
Makes it put the lotion on it's skin, or else it gets the hose again
Refuses to resign governor seat until impeached by the state senate
Won't quit wearing a faux-hawk
Top Ten Items for Sale in the Michael Jackson Auction
10. The other glove
9. High-mileage Elephant Man
8. An assortment of noses
7. Macaulay Culkin
6. One Get-Out-of-Jail-Free card, used
5. Tito
4. Tanning bed, new in box
3. An unspecified amount of hush money
2. Gates to Neverland, Never-Never Land, and Okay, Once, But I Didn't Like It Land
And the number one item for sale at the Michael Jackson Auction...
1. Blood-stained carousel
-Jason Rohrblogger
(2/19/09)
And the alternates...
Case of Pepsi, unused
An assortment of ebony and ivory
Plaid flannel shirt, khaki Dockers
Top Ten Signs You've Hired the Wrong Fertility Specialist
10. Implants eight kids, four hound dogs, and a piggy we stole from the shed
9. Prescribes manure and liquid nitrates
8. Dims the lights then offers to naturally inseminate you
7. For an extra fifty, will guarantee a boy, girl, or hermaphrodite
6. States your sperm count is off by three and she won't stop until she finds them
5. Accepts food stamps
4. All of your children look suspiciously like him
3. Asks if you're getting enough foreplay
2. Insists you meet the sperm donor and shake his hand
And the number one sign you've hired the wrong fertility specialist...
1. Puts all of your eggs in one basket
-Jason Rohrblogger
(2/15/09)
And the alternates...
Demands you name the zygote "Zyggy Stardust"
Can't remember which test tubes are filled with Jell-O shots, and which ones are in vitro
Awkwardly diagnoses that you can't get pregnant because your husband is gay and you are addicted to painkillers
Nickname in medical school was "Dr. Feelgood, at your cervix"
Swears dollar margarita night at Chuy's caused her four children
Advises you are only fourteen babies away from your own reality show and book deal
Has already gone to seed
Top Ten Gifts I am Getting Sarah Palin for Valentine's Day
10. A viable fetus
9. Heart-shaped 7mm Magnum rifle
8. Subscription to Time Magazine
7. Pearl necklace
6. Snow machine bailout package
5. Throw pillow embroidered "The Love Gov"
4. Katie Couric/Tina Fey dart board
3. An evening of polling the electorate
2. Season two of "Ice Road Truckers: Uncensored"
And the number one gift I am getting Sarah Palin for Valentine's Day...
1. A well-oiled pipeline
-Jason Rohrblogger
(2/12/09)
And the alternate...
A bare skin rug
Top Ten Enhanced Security Measures at the White House
10. He got early warning
He got muddy water, he one mojo filter
He say "One and one and one is three"
Got to be good-looking 'cause he's so hard to see
9. Kevlar underwear
8. Noisy cans tied to a string across the lawn
7. Sparky the rabid Chihuahua of Death off his leash
6. Domino's can only deliver during government business hours
5. Dick Cheney with a loaded shotgun in his rocking chair on the porch
4. Moat
3. Michael Vick's dogs run free on the grounds
2. Codenames encrypted in pig Latin
And the number one enhanced security measure at the White House...
1. Al Qaeda given mailing address of Belgian embassy down the street
-Jason Rohrblogger
(2/9/09)
And the alternates...
All assassins must check in with the receptionist in the foyer
No more key hidden in a fake rock near the back door
Gaydar
Top Ten Activities to Prepare for Ski Season
10. Visit your local butcher and pay thirty dollars to sit in the walk-in freezer for a half hour, then burn two fifty dollar bills to warm up
9. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use
8. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night
7. Begin wearing your glasses with glue smeared on the lenses
6. Throw away a hundred-dollar bill now
5. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice twenty times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.
4. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes
3. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away
2. Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed
And the number one activity to prepare for ski season...
1. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $11.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.
-Jason Rohrblogger
(2/6/09)
And the alternates...
Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face
Drive slowly for five hours, anywhere, as long as it is in a snowstorm and you are following an 18-wheeler
Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.
Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom
Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.
Get in a hot tub despite your injuries, drink beer into oblivion, and "relax."
Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it is time for the real thing
Jason Rohrblogger's Top Ten Disclaimers
10. JRTT may cause drowsiness, incontinence, and apathy
9. JRTT is not responsible for any items left overnight in your car or your spleen
8. If you experience a burning sensation while reading JRTT consult your witch doctor
7. Do not use JRTT near pregnant men
6. If your JRTT lasts more than three hours seek medical affection
5. Never taunt JRTT
4. Void where inhibited
3. Improper use of JRTT can lead to injury, sarcasm, or death
2. Do not use JRTT with a petroleum-based lubricant
And the number one JRTT disclaimer...
1. JRTT is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. Some assembly required. List each check separately by bank number. Batteries not included. JRTT may settle during shipment. Use JRTT only as directed. Do not use JRTT while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will not be paid by addressee. Subject to approval. This is not an offer to sell securities. Apply JRTT only to affected area. JRTT may be too intense for some viewers. Do not stamp JRTT. Use other side of JRTT for additional listings. JRTT is for recreational use only. Do not disturb JRTT. All JRTT models over 18 years of age. If condition persists, consult your tax professional. No user-serviceable parts inside. Freshest if read before date on blog post. Subject to change without notice. Times approximate. Simulated picture. No postage necessary if mailed in the United States. Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. 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This blog post was originally recorded on analog equipment. Please remain seated until JRTT comes to a complete stop. Return your seat back and tray table to their normal upright position. JRTT can be used as a flotation device. In the event of decreased air pressure, JRTT will pop out of the top of your monitor. You are only half way through this. The blog post you have read requires a twenty-five cent deposit. JRTT will be hot after heating. Do not iron clothes on body. Remove clothing before distributing in washing machine. Do not use while sleeping. Do not use JRTT on food. Insert JRTT this end first. This page made from 100% recycled electrons. Reader assumes full responsibility. JRTT is an equal opportunity employer. No JRTT, no shirt, no service. If any defects in JRTT are discovered, do not attempt to fix them yourself, but return to an authorized service center. Read at your own risk. Parental advisory - explicit lyrics. Keep JRTT away from sunlight. No money down. 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For external use only. Avoid extreme temperatures. Do not place JRTT near a magnetic source. JRTT could be hazardous to your health. JRTT Contains Carbon Monoxide. JRTT Causes Lung Cancer, Heart Disease, Emphysema. The best safeguard, second only to abstinence, is the use of a condom. No salt, MSG, artificial color or flavoring added. If ingested, induce vomiting. Ribbed for her pleasure. Actual cash value of JRTT is 1/1000th of a cent. Listen to your mother. Eat your veggies. Wear your seatbelt. Don't take JRTT from strangers. Illustrations are slightly enlarged to show detail. JRTT does not cover misuse, accident, lightning, flood, tornado, tsunami, volcanic eruption, earthquake, hurricanes, or other acts of God, neglect, damage from improper use, incorrect line voltage, unauthorized use, unauthorized repair, improper installation, typos, broken antenna or marred cabinet, missing or altered serial numbers, electromagnetic radiation from nuclear blasts, sonic boom vibrations, customer adjustments that are not covered in this list, and incidents owing to an airplane crash, ship sinking or taking on water, motor vehicle crashing, dropping the item, falling rocks, leaky roof, broken glass, disc failure, accidental file deletions, mud slides, forest fire, hitting of a deer, milk coming out of your nose due to laughing while drinking, or projectiles, which can include, but are not limited to, arrows, bullet shots, BBs, shrapnel, lasers, napalm, torpedoes, emissions of X-rays, Alpha, Beta and Gamma rays, knives, stones, acts of war, acts of God, or mysterious loss. JRTT may not be copied or reproduced in any form without the expressed written consent of whoever I stole it from. We make no other warranties, expressed or implied. Decision of the judges is final.
-Jason Rohrblogger
(2/3/09)
And the alternate...
This supersedes all previous notices
Top Ten Attractions at Chinese Disneyland
10. Snow White and the Seven Child Laborers
9. Pirates of Haiphong Harbor
8. It's a Small New World Order After All
7. Dumbo the Delicious Frying Elephant
6. Mongolia Bobsleds
5. Super Lucky Auto Utopian Highway of Glorious Driving
4. Chiang Kai Shrek
3. Mr. Toad's Wild Ride and Subsequent Internment in a Reeducation Camp
2. Great Mall of China
And the number one attraction at Chinese Disneyland...
1. Mickey Maoist
-Jason Rohrblogger
(1/31/09)
And the alternates...
Country Bear Jamboree of Counterfeit Watches
Tower of Tibet Terror
Peter Tai Pan
Magic Falun Gong
Space Race Mountain
Haunted Yao Ming
Pooh Goo Gai Pan
Forbidden Epcot
Top Ten Lesser Known Holiday Mascots
10. Marty the Martin Luther King Day Marten
9. Hanukkah Harry
8. Leafy Erickson the Arbor Day Deciduous Conifer
7. Thanksgiving Todd
6. Madam Deesey the President's Day Mistress
5. Patty Purim
4. Mammary the Mardi Gras Matron of Toplessness
3. Comrade Labor Day
2. Mattress Blowout the Memorial Day Salesman
And the number one lesser known holiday mascot...
1. Explodey the three-fingered Fourth of July Firecracker
-Jason Rohrblogger
(1/26/09)
And the alternates...
Phoney, the Mother's Day Obligatory Call
Secretary's Day Sally
Top Ten Positions in the Rohrblogger Cabinet
10. Missionary
9. Pro-Tobacco Surgeon General
8. Hug Czar
7. Secretary of Housing and Urban Funkadelic
6. Joint Chiefs of Sass
5. Secretary of Aw Yeah!
4. Irrational Security Advisor
3. Ambassadors to the U.N.: J. Daniels, J. Beam, and J. Cuervo
2. Oprah
And the number one position in the Rohrblogger cabinet...
1. Office of the Vice-Ninja-in-Chief
-Jason Rohrblogger
(1/23/09)
And the alternates...
Attorney General Specific
Director of the Office of Management, Budget, and Porn
National SPAM Council
Secretary of the Exterior
Waterboard of Directors
Secretary of Homeland Insecurity
Desdecka!(DSDEQAA) Directorate of Secrets that Don't Exist so Quit Asking Already
Secretary of Bling
Chairman of the Federal Beer Reserve
Bailout Betty the Secretary of Hott
I am normally a huge fan of drinking whatever you want. And I can see wanting to celebrate, and remember, Obama's historic inauguration. But why would you choose, um, commerative water as the substance to do that with? Why not something more permanent? Or more potent?
-Jason Rohrblogger
(1/20/09)
Nothing like waking up to a little Sunday morning link love from a large biker...
Big thanks to Jack over at Fat Jack's Erratic Rants for linking to my errata: Top Ten Movies About the Bush Administration.
Check out Jack's rants and raves here.
We're all gonna miss Bush...
-Jason Rohrblogger
We are just a heartbeat away from Beau Bridges playing President Bush in the made-for-TV movie...
Top Ten Movies About the Bush Administration
10. Iraqalypse Now
9. Trillion Dollar Maybe
8. Bush and Dick and Ted and Malice
7. President Evil
6. National Lampoon's Summer Invasion
5. The Rummy Returns
4. Eternal Sunshine of the Mindless Despot
3. Raging Kabul
2. Oil Reservoir Dogs
And the number one movie about the Bush administration...
1. Lie Hard
-Jason Rohrblogger and Ken Bloggerts
(02/15/05)
And the alternates...
Saving Private-ization
Full Mental Jacket
Kill Bill Clinton
The Big Creep
Bush Subsidy and the None-Tax Kid
Gone With the WMD
Condoleeza Rice and the Last Crusade
The Man Who Shot Liberty
Almost Heinous
Mid-Right Cowboy
Psycho
Midfight Run
Of Condi Rice and Men
Meet the Fu*kers
Sleepless in Syria
Good Ol' Boyz in da Beltway
Dumb & Dumberer: When Bush Met Dick
The Veep's Lezbo Daughter (The Dick And Dyke Show)
George, George, George of the Bungle
Donald Ducksfeld
Two-Faces of Evil
Budget Schmudget: We Don't Need No Stinkin' Surplus
Pimps & Ho's: The Bush Family Tree Goes Unpruned
Weapons of Mass Deception
Finding Neverland: The George W. Bush Rise to Power
Growing Up Bush: Dude, Where's My Bar?
Super-Size Me: Deficit Attention Disorder
Did You Want Freedom Fries With That?
Germany & France, Drop Your Pants (And Bend Over)
The SpongeGeorge Square Head Movie
The Life Pathetic With George Double-U
Raging Bullshit
I (Don't) Heart Spellingbees
The Unpronouncibles
It's a Wonderful Strife
Citizen Cocaine
Last Exit Strategy to Tehran
The Violence of the Sands
Fight Club
Paths of Gory
Are We There Yet?
Pooh's Clusterfu*k Movie
Sideways
Mission: Imcomplished
Abhorrence of Arabia
Grim and Grimmerer
One Blew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
An Iraqwork Orange
Throw Osama from the Train
The Texas Cheneysaw Massacre
The Iraqi Horror Picture Show
Dial W for War
The Emperor's New-cular Groove
Mr. Ditz Goes to Washington
Pimped Fiction
This Is Wire Tap
The Great Debasters... Debaterists... Arguers!
Bushtar
The Empire Strikes Iraq
American Wankster
Disaster and Commander
Honey, I Shrunk the Constitution!
The Decider House Rules
My Own Private I Dunno
Rove, Actually
Topic Blunder
Disaster Movie
They Shoot Lawyers, Don't They?
Top Ten Victoria's Secret Models
10. Rebecca Romijn - I would like to carry her books to school in the snow, uphill both ways. 
9. Naomi Campbell - I want to haul her recyclables to the curb.
8. Alessandra Ambrosio - I would love to change her oil.
7. Bar Refaeli - I could pre-soak her delicates.
6. Marisa Miller - I believe she can fly.
5. Molly Sims - I would not quit her basic training.
4. Adriana Lima - I volunteer to do her chores.
3. Claudia Schiffer - I can prune her rose bush.
2. Gisele Bundchen - I prefer to wash her windows.
And the number one Victoria's Secret model...
1. Heidi Klum - I would defrag her hard drive.
-Jason Rohrblogger
(1/14/09)
And the alternates...
Angie Everhart - I can finish her entrée.
Laetitia Casta - I'd do her pre-flight check.
Petra Nemcova - I want to shine her left shoe.
Estella Warren - I would sign up to jump out of her cake.
Daniela Pestova - I would have her warrant quashed.
Josie Maran - I pack her parachute.
Tyra Banks - I'd watch her show.
Stephanie Seymour - I would check her e-mail.
Niki Taylor - I fill out her deposit slip.
Olga Kurylenko - I nominate her for vice president.
Top Ten New Year's Resolutions
In 2009 I resolve to...
10. Quit selling used dental floss on Ebay as new
9. Unload three of my personal firearms
8. Stop making my sushi talk in a tiny shrimp voice before eating it
7. Yodel less
6. Spit more
5. Lose ten, no wait, five. Okay three pounds. Lose two pounds and spit a lot to make up for it
4. Learn computers
3. Buy a toothbrush, hairbrush, and paintbrush
2. Leave less DNA evidence lying around
And the number one new year's resolution...
1. Bring sexy back
-Jason Rohrblogger
(1/10/09)
And the alternates...
Finish freebasing M&Ms
Buy less apology jewelry
Go to my special place
Remember the children
Top Ten Banned Phrases 2009
The following are banned from the English language...
10. Green
9. Maverick
8. Carbon footprint
7. Wall Street/Main Street
6. Joe the Plumber
5. Icon or Iconic
4. Staycation
3. Not so much
2. It's that time of year again
And the number one banned phrase for 2009...
1. Top ten _____________
-Jason Rohrblogger
(1/5/09)
And the alternates...
At the end of the day
With all due respect
On a daily basis
It's a nightmare
Shouldn't of
24/7
It's not rocket science
At this moment in time
Jason's New Year's Resolution Quiz
Answer the following then calculate your score to determine what your New Year's resolution will be...
As of January 2009 you are still:
1. Doubling down
2. Coughing
3. Puking
4. Can't take quiz. Masturbating.
5. Googling Lindsay Lohan
You've lost feeling in your legs because:
1. Your bookie broke them
2. Of the searing pain in your lungs
3. You drank too much
4. It didn't put the lotion on it's skin
5. You refused to get up during TV Land's The Simple Life marathon
You've come out of a drunken stupor in:
1. Las Vegas
2. Flavor Country
3. A Liquor store
4. Leather chaps
5. Nothing but a wife-beater and a Wii paddle
Fill in the blank: You've got to know when to hold 'em, know when to ____ 'em:
1. Fold
2. Smoke
3. Shoot
4. Spank
5. Stalk
Who is your hero?
1. Frank "Lefty" Rosenthal
2. Joe Camel
3. Nick Nolte
4. Paul Rubens
5. Seth MacFarlane
Your fave movie of all time is:
1. Seabiscuit
2. Thank You for Smoking
3. Leaving Las Vegas
4. Behind the Green Door
5. Bad Boys II
You smell like:
1. Flop sweat and green felt
2. Mickey Rourke's ash tray
3. Budweiser and regret
4. K-Y and a used thong
5. Taco Bell
Have you ever traded sex for any of the following?
1. A chit for Pony Boy in the third race
2. A cigarette floating in a can of Natty Light
3. A case of NyQuil
4. More sex
5. Two tickets to the premiere of Wild Hogs
In the past year you've spent approximately twenty hours a week:
1. Waiting on seventeen. Seventeen! C'mon lucky, lucky number seventeen!
2. Looking for somewhere to stick a patch
3. Hauling bags of empty Icehouse cans to the curb
4. Parked outside of Hawaiian Tropic Zone, throwing the vibe out
5. Sewing your Joker-themed professional wrestling uniform
Your most rigorous recent workout was:
1. Shredding Junior's college fund with a slot machine lever
2. Inhaling
3. Lifting twelve ounces at a time
4. A three-way with a tranny and a blow-up doll
5. Sweating out a garlic binge after a long night at Olive Garden
Scoring: For every number one give yourself one point, for every number two give yourself two points, etc.
Your New Year's Resolution is:
5-14 points:
QUIT GAMBLING
Put the double down and step away from the blackjack table. Your rent ain't gonna pay itself.
15-24 points:
STOP SMOKING
You look like a Shar Pei puppy and smell like Amy Winehouse. Give your lungs a break and suck on an oxygen tank for awhile.
25-34 points:
GIVE UP DRINKING
Your liver has left the room voluntarily and your kidney's are Swiss cheese. Take one more slug of that warm Margarita and head directly to AA.
35-44 points:
CURB INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL ACTIVITY
If your resolve ever falters, good thing Dateline is there to keep you on track.
45-50 points:
LEARN MORE ABOUT CULTURE
While admirable, the Porky's trilogy is not man's greatest artistic achievement. Set Maxim Magazine aside and pick up a book.
You're welcome...
-Jason Rohrblogger
(1/1/09)
Jason's Top Ten Predictions for 2009
10. Adorable scamp Paris Hilton becomes America's sweetheart with her sunshine playfulness and youthful innocence
9. National Enquirer wins a Peabody Award for Excellence in Tabloid Journalism
8. Michelle Obama poses for The Atlantic Monthly's swimsuit issue
7. Suri Cruise will write a tell-all children's book
6. Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag star in the Broadway revival of Tennessee William's "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof" wherein Heidi uses her time onstage to explore her constant neediness and Spencer grapples with his latent homosexuality
5. Guantánamo Bay closed down and replaced with a Starbucks
4. Eliot Spitzer, John Edwards, Bill Clinton, Larry Craig, and Bristol Palin form the American Scandal Party. Rod Blagojevich still excluded.
3. Guns n' Roses only take six months to release their next stinker, Chinese Anarchy
2. Due to lack of funds, Jason Rohrblogger's Top Ten switches to only eight Folger's Crystals references per list
And Jason's number one prediction for 2009...
1. Incredibly successful Congressional bailout turns economy around on a dime
-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/30/08)
And the alternates...
Obama trades Iraq to Iran for three magic beans
Burger King invents a five-pound jalepeño bacon double pepper jack cheeseburger served between the two live defibrillator paddles used to cook it
Finally, a Friday the 13th sequel that answers all the questions raised in the first 21 movies...
American People lay off 10% of cabinet, 20% of Congress, and 12 state governors
Michael Phelps, the most under reported story of 2008, finally gets some media coverage
Snow White's polygamous cabin raided by authorities. All dwarfs placed in foster care.
Late night talk show guest Dr. Lincoln Wolfenstein offends host Jimmy Fallon by primarily concentrating on connecting theoretical physics to experimental observations, because his work on weak interaction has tainted his studies on the presence of electrons in Earth and solar matter and their effect on neutrino propagation. MSW effect or not, for a particle phenomenologist to focus solely on neutrino oscillation in matter...I mean, c'mon bro. You don't show that on television no matter what the hour
Amy Winehouse goes to rehab
A big holiday shout out to Fat Jack's Erratic Rants for linking to my Top Ten Osama bin Laden Christmas Traditions list.
Nothing like waking up Christmas morning to a link from a jolly elf.
Thanks for decking my halls...
-Jason Rohrblogger
Top Ten Signs You've Hired the Wrong Dentist
10. Diagnoses three rectal cavities, prescribes butt floss
9. For an extra fifty she'll let you take home an "eight-ball of anesthesia"
8. Sets drill on stun
7. He's wearing a mask, gloves, leather corset, and whip
6. Installs a bridge to nowhere
5. Charges you $1.99-a-minute to look at your x-rays
4. Accepts cash, charge, insurance, chickens, moonshine, and small hounds
3. Before adjusting the chair, asks "would you like a happy ending?"
2. Spit cup smells like chewing tobacco
And the number one sign you've hired the wrong dentist...
1. Reaches through your mouth and extracts your wallet
-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/26/08)
And the alternates...
Fills cavities with unicorns and rainbows
In lieu of Novocaine, states "count backwards from ten and go to your special place"
Leaves a dollar under your pillow for each tooth removed
She gives a smile when the pain comes, the pain's gonna make everything alright, alright yeah
Top Ten Osama bin Laden Christmas Traditions
10. No oil in Afghanistan, but lumps and lumps of coal
9. Hijacking the angel and flying her into the side of the tree
8. Making it onto Santa's naughty list thirty years running
7. Knitting goat hair cell-cozies for Guantánamo Bay
6. Always waiting until the last minute on Christmas Eve to put Little Omar's surface-to-air missile together
5. Recruiting martyrs on the Island of Misfit Goyim
4. Letting the kids pull the pin on ONE grenade on Christmas Eve
3. Getting wasted at the al Qaeda office party and eating a bacon double cheeseburger with Goldstein from accounting
2. Joy of dispatching C4-laden Grinch to Whoville
And the number one bin Laden Christmas tradition...
1. On the Twelfth Day of Christmas my true love(s) sent to me:
Twelve more months of hiding
Eleven bombers bombing
Ten mullahs mulling
Nine sheikhs a-shaking
Eight spooks a-snooping
Seven-ty virgins waiting
Six planes a-flying
Five I-E-D's
Four waterboards
Three henchmen
Two Karl Roves
And a cartridge in an A-K
-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/5/08)
And the alternates...
Holiday-themed perimeter passwords
The way the whole cave smells like scorched turkey
Who put the ram in the Ram-a-dan, who put the God in the No-God-but-God and Muhammed is His Prophet?
Top Ten Signs You are too Busy for Christmas
10. Spent more time on the road than a traffic cone
9. Decided to buy your Christmas turkey on E-bay
8. Your toys for tots include whiskey, cigarettes, and lottery tickets
7. Left Santa milk, cookies, and three TPS reports to complete
6. Christmas tree decked out in beer cans and toilet paper
5. All gifts wrapped in leftover ham
4. You argue that most evidence points to Jesus really being born in August anyway
3. You bought the eggs but forgot the nog
2. Request your wife TIVO the whole thing so you can watch it when you get home
And the number one sign you are too busy for Christmas...
1. You are just getting around to finding your Easter eggs
-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/20/08)
The Top Ten Creepy Santa Pickup Lines
10. I'll make you shake like a bowl full of jelly
9. I come more than once a year
8. My wreath is hung
7. Show me how you to make it onto the naughty list
6. I want to slide down your chimney
5. That is a candy cane in my pocket, and I am glad to see you
4. Hi, I'm Kenny Rogers
3. I got your stocking stuffer right here
2. I'm just a fat, bearded, reindeer jockey of love!
And the number one creepy Santa pickup line...
1. I've got a loaded elf in my pants
-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/17/08)
And the alternates...
That's not eggnog
Won't you ride my sleigh tonight?
The yuletide is gay, but I'm not
Top Ten Ways the $750 Billion Government Bailout will be Spent
10. $109 billion for corporate jet cozies for American Express
9. $135 billion to shore up the Congressional private escort industry
8. $11 billion for Sarah Palin's wardrobe
7. $137 billion to get welfare queens off the rolls and free up more money for AIG
6. $44 billion for Ford to develop an SUV that burns sub-prime mortgages
5. $151 billion for an oversight committee to determine where the $750 billion should be spent
4. $19.99 for subscription to Oversight Magazine
3. $68 billion on Phantom Philly to place in the sixth race
2. $57 billion to buy the administration a clue
And the number one way the $750 billion government bailout will be spent...
1. $190 billion for a stock market that runs on wishes and dreams
Total cost for the $750 billion bailout = $902 billion
-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/14/08)
Top Ten Attractions at Six Flags Baghdad
10. Magic Mujaheddin Mountain
9. Flying Fatwah
8. Tower of Tehran Terror
7. The Monofail
6. Country Bear IED Jamboree
5. The Splatterhorn
4. Honey, I Blew Up the Children
3. ThunderGoats
2. Surface-to-air Martyr
And the number one attraction at Six Flags Baghdad...
1. Pirates of the Abu Ghraibbean
-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/11/08)
And the alternates...
Jurassic Haj
Blackwater Down
Sunni in Wonderland
Freefall Ujah
Bungle Cruise
Top Ten Rejected Slot Machine Themes
10. Enron
9. Interracial Smackdown
8. Awkward Moment
7. Shoeless Baby
6. Degenerate Loser
5. Getting OJ Simpson's Memorabilia Back
4. Trip to the Poorhouse
3. Money Eater
2. Replacing the Fine Jackpot Normally Won with Folger's Crystals. Let's See if Anyone Notices
And the number one rejected slot machine theme...
1. Foreclosure
-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/27/08)
And the alternates...
Hurricane Katrina of Winnings!
George W. Recession
Waterboard of Fortune
I got tagged and bagged over at Patience is a Virtue.
First, the tagging game's rules:
Link to the person who tagged you.
Post the rules on your blog.
Write 6 random things about yourself.
Tag 6-ish people at the end of your post.
Let each person know he/she has been tagged.
Let the tagger know when your entry is up.
I am going to stick with my format and list the Top Ten Random Facts about Rohrblogger. Normally I would just make up ten funny-sounding lies (I once shot a man in Reno just to watch him die) but this time I will list ACTUAL FACTS that I am NOT making up...
10. I have a black belt in an obscure Hawaiian martial art called Kajukembo
9. I was the 1989 Arizona state fighting champion in my weight class (featherweight - remember this was 19 years, and roughly 70 pounds, ago)
8. I won because I legitimately beat everyone(,) up until the final match. One of the guys I fought was an ex-Green Beret who was just let out of prison. He had stabbed his wife's lover, yet another Green Beret, with a knife.
7. In the final match my opponent disqualified himself by striking me with a direct backfist to the head, a headstrike that was illegal at the time
6. As the winner of the featherweight class, I got to go on and fight the winners of the middleweight and and heavyweight classes
5. The middleweight fighter drew the bye and I had to fight the heavyweight first
4. The heavyweight fighter (a robust fellow member of my same Kajukembo school) proceeded to pound me into submission. The match lasted less than one round with a technical knockout. He proceeded to do the same thing to the middleweight fighter.
3. My family was so impressed that I won my weight class, they took out an ad in the paper to congratulate me. My college classmates picked up the story and announced it to the Student Union to my embarrassment.
2. The only thing I've pounded since graduating college is a computer keyboard. I couldn't win a fight now, and knife-wielding ex-Green Berets make me scream like a sissy-boy.
And the number one random fact about Rohrblogger...
1. I was once the opening act for Carrot Top
-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/5/08)
I am tagging...
Carrot Top, The Green Berets, The University of Arizona Student Union, Ryan Seacrest, The Arizona Department of Corrections, and Oprah
Top Ten Rejected Excuses for Speeding
10. Had to get home to make sweet love to your mother, officer
9. I'm dislexic and thought the speed limit was 53
8. What school zone, retirement home, and bike lane?
7. Wanted to kill a moose with my car for Sarah Palin
6. Was rushing home to watch COPS
5. Accidentally hit the missile launcher. (James Bond only)
4. Had to go 88 mph to activate the flux capacitor
3. Thought it was Paris Hilton in the crosswalk
2. Ran out of Total, ate twenty-four bowls of Shredded Wheat
And the number one rejected excuse for speeding...
1. Someone just poured hot grits down my pants
-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/2/08)
And the alternate...
Didn't think a bicycle would go 100 mph. (Lance Armstrong only)
Top Ten Phrases in My Online Dating Profile
10. Disease-free
9. In the hizzy
8. Ferret-like
7. Bootylicious
6. Harvard
5. Sexytime
4. Unctuous
3. Potty mouth
2. Beeyotch!
And the number one phrase in my online dating profile...
1. Hung like a light switch
-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/29/08)
Top Ten Things that Sound Dirty at Thanksgiving but Aren't
10. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in
9. I didn't expect everyone to come at once
8. It's Cool Whip time
7. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst
6. Whew, that's one terrific spread
5. I'm in the mood for dark meat
4. Are you ready for seconds yet?
3. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
2. Just wait your turn, you'll get some
And the number one thing that sounds dirty at Thanksgiving but isn't...
1. Don't play with your meat
-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/26/08)
And the alternates...
Talk about a huge breast
Tying the legs together keeps it moist inside
Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
You still have a little bit on your chin
How long will it take after you stick it in?
You'll know it's ready when it pops up
Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that
That's the biggest one I've ever seen
How long do I beat it before it's ready?
Best. Email. Ever.
My cousin sent me the following during hiatus...
Everyday I wake up, get ready for school, grab my backpack and get into my car. The drive to school is short and painful, and all I can think about is a cup of strong black coffee. I get my coffee and walk into my class room ready to listen to a mind numbing teacher talk to me about litigation and business law. I tune her out and stare at my laptop ready to read something that always gives me hope that the day will end. I hit the favorites icon on my internet browser, and scroll down to "Jason's Top Ten" and click the those three words in anticipation. I take a sip of my strong black coffee.
And then a tear.
Last updated October 16, 2008: The dreaded sentence I read everyday. This is where the panic and anxiety sets in. October 16th, I read again and again. I open up the mini calender on the corner of my screen and count the days since the last top ten went up. It has been 27 days. I'm in withdrawal. The shivers at night are the worst.
What happened to the infamous Jason Rohrblogger? He was so great. I wonder if at that Vegas bachelor party took him from us forever. If it did, at least he died happy. Now please raise your glasses on this day after remembrance day, and remember Jason. A man who could make us laugh by just looking at you in his rear view mirror. A man who could make you smile every time you thought of his beautiful happy face. Remember. Jason.
-Kirk
Top Ten Reasons I Won't Be Posting for Awhile
10. Now I have to find the real killers AND get OJ's memorabilia back
9. Must. Save. Stock. Market.
8. Working overtime to pull off a come-from-behind victory for Ron Paul
7. Can't talk. Masturbating.
6. Three words: Petticoat Junction Marathon
5. Britney won't stop calling
4. Getting the homeless to live outside the box
3. Being inducted into a society so secret, even I don't know what it is
2. Talking crazy bread down from the edge of the foil
And the number one reason I won't be posting for awhile...
1. Bachelor party in Vegas before my friend throws his life away marries the love of his life
-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/16/08)
Top Ten Rejected Kool-Aid Flavors
10. Meadowlark Lemon
9. Statutory Grape
8. Strawberiberi
7. Cherry Seinfeld
6. Wang Dang Sweet Orange Tang
5. 84 Octane Mangoline
4. Fig
3. Tomato 'n Onion
2. Marion Berry
And the number one rejected Kool-Aid flavor...
1. Sex on the playground
-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/10/06)
And the alternates...
Lemon Plague
ImPeachMint
White Zinfandel
Cocaide
Ganges Float Surprise
Pamelons
Gangrene Apple
Raspberry Gordy
Girls Gone Watermelon
Red Sepsis
Electric Acid Test
Top Ten Pat Robertson Quotes
10. "Over 100 years, I think the gradual erosion of the consensus that's held our country together is probably more serious than a few bearded terrorists who fly into buildings."
–On the dangers of judicial activism
9. "Lord, give us righteous judges who will not try to legislate and dominate this society. Take control, Lord! We ask for additional vacancies on the court."
8. "Just like what Nazi Germany did to the Jews, so liberal America is now doing to the evangelical Christians. It's no different. It is the same thing. It is happening all over again. It is the Democratic Congress, the liberal-based media and the homosexuals who want to destroy the Christians. Wholesale abuse and discrimination and the worst bigotry directed toward any group in America today. More terrible than anything suffered by any minority in history."
7. "I would warn Orlando that you're right in the way of some serious hurricanes, and I don't think I'd be waving those flags in God's face if I were you. This is not a message of hate. This is a message of redemption. But a condition like this will bring about the destruction of your nation. It'll bring about terrorist bombs; it'll bring earthquakes, tornadoes, and possibly a meteor."
–On "gay days" at Disneyworld
6. "The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians."
5. "I know this is painful for the ladies to hear, but if you get married, you have accepted the headship of a man, your husband. Christ is the head of the household and the husband is the head of the wife, and that's the way it is, period."
4. "I'd like to say to the good citizens of Dover: If there is a disaster in your area, don't turn to God, you just rejected him from your city. And don't wonder why he hasn't helped you when problems begin, if they begin. I'm not saying they will, but if they do, just remember, you just voted God out of your city. And if that's the case, don't ask for His help because He might not be there."
-After the city of Dover, Pennsylvania voted to boot the current school board, which instituted an intelligent design policy that led to a federal trial
3. "God considers this land to be His. You read the Bible and He says 'This is my land,' and for any prime minister of Israel who decides he is going to carve it up and give it away, God says, 'No, this is mine.' He was dividing God's land. And I would say, 'Woe unto any prime minister of Israel who takes a similar course to appease the E.U., the United Nations, or the United States of America.' God says, 'This land belongs to me. You better leave it alone.'"
-On why Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon suffered a massive stroke
2. "Maybe we need a very small nuke thrown off on Foggy Bottom to shake things up" –On nuking the State Department
And the number one Pat Robertson quote...
1. "You know, I don't know about this doctrine of assassination, but if he thinks we're trying to assassinate him, I think that we really ought to go ahead and do it. It's a whole lot cheaper than starting a war. We have the ability to take him out, and I think the time has come that we exercise that ability. We don't need another $200 billion war to get rid of one, you know, strong-arm dictator. It's a whole lot easier to have some of the covert operatives do the job and then get it over with."
-Calling for the assassination of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez
-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/9/08)
And the alternates...
"Wait a minute, I didn't say 'assassination.' I said our special forces should 'take him out,' and 'take him out' can be a number of things, including kidnapping."
–Clarifying his call to assassinate Hugo Chavez
"Is it right to call for assassination? No, and I apologize for that statement. I spoke in frustration that we should accommodate the man who thinks the U.S. is out to kill him."
"That was never in the Constitution, however much the liberals laugh at me for saying it, they know good and well it was never in the Constitution! Such language only appeared in the constitution of the Communist Soviet Union."
-On the constitutional separation of church and state
"Well, I totally concur." –to Jerry Falwell following the Sept. 11 attacks, after Falwell said, "I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way - all of them who have tried to secularize America - I point the finger in their face and say: "You helped this happen."
Top Ten Jason Rohrblogger Magazine Headlines
10. Lists with Less Than Ten Items: Should They Be Posted?
9. Internet Porn for Dummies
8. Bottom Ten Lists: Are They a Threat?
7. Stolen Premise Preview 2009!
5. Man Bites Pun
4. Pimping Out Your Blah Black Blogger Template
3. Listin' Ain't Easy
2. We Replace the Fine Headline Normally Written with Folger's Crystals: Is Anything Funnier?
And the number one Jason Rohrblogger Magazine headline...
1. Sidebar Suicide! Avoiding Banner Tags at All Costs
-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/02/06)
And the alternates...
We Drive Ten Jokes Into the Ground and See Who Comes Back for More!
Recycling: Lewinsky Jokes and Taco Bell Chihuahua References We Can't Get Enough of!
Posting Every Three Weeks: Leave 'Em Wanting More!
Moderation Madness: Controlling the Comment Chaos
Our Pick for Sexiest Blogger Alive
Top Ten Lies I Have Told
10. I don't know how that got there
9. Those are the original miles
8. I don't like it when you touch me there
7. That's not infected
6. I'll have your money tomorrow
5. Never on a Sunday
4. I'm a great candidate for this job, sir
3. You'll be okay
2. I love you
And the number one lie I have told...
1. I can't believe it's not butter
-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/3/08)
Bad Break Up Deux
Dear Wells Fargo Bank,
You've known this was coming before I did. We've had a good, long run: 28 years.
I was eleven when my mother brought me down to open a savings account with you. What made you so attractive is that you are everywhere. Just like a bad girl, you get around. Every street corner, grocery store, and shopping mall.
It hasn't all been deposits and sunshine. I'm a lazy, lazy man and switching banks is a pain in my lazy, lazy derrière. So I put up with your crazy fees, refusal to return my checks, incessant charges to talk with a teller, and endless hold times. Because, hey, after 28 years I think I can still make this work.
The end came when I had to deposit a check. That's all. I wanted to GIVE YOU MONEY. A lot of it, because I was MAKING A DOWN PAYMENT ON A HOME. Since you charge me to go to a teller, I went to one of your automated teller machines, like I have done thousands of times.
Los Angeles has the highest level of fraud with the possible exception of Wall Street. We are, after all, a Pacific Rim border town. So I wasn't surprised when you returned my check with a request to go in-person to deposit it with a teller. So far you are being picky, but reasonable. And besides, I've missed our face-to-face time.
Here's the problem though, Wells. What can I do if the TELLER refuses my deposit? She looked at my check like I just handed her a dead rat. She called for a supervisor who scowled and said she was going to put a "90-day hold" on the check, "send it to collections," and charge me a "$150.00 fee for processing" it. I am not making this up.
So I call your phone center and tell them what happened. I ask if I can deposit the check over the phone. The nice supervisor at the call center stated, because of the amount, I would have to deposit it in-person at a branch. When I gently informed her that the branch manager was going to charge me $150.00 and a 90-day hold for GIVING YOU MONEY she stated it was the "manager's discretion" whether or not to take a deposit. Fair enough. So, how can I deposit this?
I was told I can drive around from branch to branch attempting to deposit my check but there are no guarantees that any branch will take it. I am not making this up.
Look, Wells, I am not a criminal. But I don't expect you to take my word for it. I expect you to look at the bank account I've had with you forever. You know where I live, you know where I work, YOU'VE EXTENDED ME LINES OF CREDIT FAR BEYOND THE DEPOSIT I WAS MAKING.
So why are you treating me like a SPAM e-mail from Nigeria?
Speaking of working (a concept you are apparently not familiar with) I have a day job. I can't be driving from branch to branch in the hopes that one of your managers will decide to kiss me first.
So it's not me, it's you.
Look Wells, you're huge now. Huge, bloated, no longer relevant. You are Orson Wells Fargo. And like Orson Welles your best work came early and then degenerated into magnificent ambiguity. The Magnificent Ambiguities. With a higher churn rate than an Amish dairy.
I went to one of the smallest banks there is and they immediately opened a checking account for me that EARNS INTEREST and cashed my large check. Apparently small banks like large deposits. From strangers who just walked in. Sure they only have one location, but they like me for who I am. A non-fraud committing customer who gives them money.
So I'll see you around on the street corner, the grocery store and the shopping mall. But I won't see you at the bank.
For once smaller is better. Good luck with the bail outs...
-Jason Rohrblogger
(9/30/08)
Top Ten Paul Newman Quotes
10. If you're playing a poker game and you look around the table and and can't tell who the sucker is, it's you.
9. People stay married because they want to, not because the doors are locked.
8. Money won is twice as sweet as money earned.
7. I'm a supporter of gay rights. And not a closet supporter either. From the time I was a kid, I have never been able to understand attacks upon the gay community. There are so many qualities that make up a human being by the time I get through with all the things that I really admire about people, what they do with their private parts is probably so low on the list that it is irrelevant.
6. To be an actor you have to be a child
5. If you don't have enemies, you don't have character.
4. Newman's first law: It is useless to put on your brakes when you're upside down.
Newman's second law: Just when things look darkest, they go black.
3. [Getting the truth in the New York Post has been as] difficult as finding a good hamburger in Albania.
2. We lost the gearbox and I started sliding around out there. I was having a good time up until that point.
And the number one Paul Newman quote...
1. The embarrassing thing is that the salad dressing is outgrossing my films.
-Jason Rohrblogger
(09/27/08)
Top Ten Rejected Drugs
10. Hairy Speedball
9. Strawberry Heroin
8. Pepsicaine
7. Preparation Itch
6. Angel Rust
5. Malibu Barbiturates
4. Floor Bait
3. Tragic Mushrooms
2. Folger's Crystal Meth
And the number one rejected drug...
1. Liquid Panty Remover
-Jason Rohblogger
(9/24/08)
Top Ten Phrases in My Quarterly Review
10. Unauthorized
9. Unsatisfactory
8. Unproductive
7. Unsupervised
6. Unnecessary
5. Unthinkable
4. Unstable
3. Underhanded
2. Unspeakable
And the number one phrase in my quarterly review...
1. Understandable
-Jason Rohrblogger
(9/21/08)
And the alternates...
Unsuccessful
Uncalled for
Unskilled
Ungulate
Unsuitable
On time
Top Ten Lines that Sound Dirty in Star Wars but Aren't
10. She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid.
9. Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!
8. Look at the size of that thing!
7. Sorry about the mess...
6. You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought.
5. Aren't you a little short for a storm trooper?
4. You've got something jammed in here real good.
3. Put that thing away before you get us all killed!
2. Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?
And the number one line that sounds dirty in Star Wars but isn't...
1. Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care WHAT you smell!
-Jason Rohrblogger
(9/18/08)
And the alternates...
You're all clear, kid. Now let's blow this thing and go home!
Get on top of it!
Top Ten Signs Your Novel will not Win a PEN/Faulkner Award
10. Your theme: Bitch better have my money
9. Your plot: Man vs Cake
8. Main character: Perry Hotter
7. Wrote two beginnings and a middle, but no end
6. You follow a maverick policeman who easily avenges his partner's murder with careful investigation and proper case handling
5. Published exclusively on Bazooka gum wrappers
4. Final chapter concludes with a plea for all mankind to embrace penis enlargement
3. Chapter one: "Rollin' in my five-point-oh." Chapter two: "Got my ragtop down so my hair can blow."
2. You illustrate man's inhumanity to Aimee Mann
And the number one sign your novel will not win a PEN/Faulkner Award...
1. You submit ten single-line synopses and not one is funny
-Jason Rohrblogger
(9/15/08)
And the alternates...
You craft a sequel to Genesis
It's the fictionalized memoir of a Nigerian Internet banker
You attempt to explain how Stella got her back groove
Top Ten Sarah Palin Pet Peeves
10. Public private jets
9. MySpace
7. Full household uteri that aren't hers
6. Community organizers
5. Live moose
4. Being called a VPILF
3. Presidential nominees younger than 70
2. Her resemblance to Caribou Barbie
And the number one Sarah Palin pet peeve...
1. Vice presidents who don't kill on the first shot
-Jason Rohrblogger
(9/12/08)
Top Ten Sarah Palin Turn-ons
10. Pro-life hunters
9. Hockey proms
8. State troopers who resign
7. Shotgun weddings
6. Presidential nominees knocking on Heaven's door
5. Mooseburger Helper
4. Sweet Inuit nothings whispered in her TelePrompTer
3. Former P.O.W.s
2. The naughty feeling of secretly wearing a full set of thermal underwear beneath a smart pantsuit
And the number one Sarah Palin turn-on...
1. Pit bulls who wear lipstick
-Jason Rohrblogger
(9/9/08)
Top Ten Worst Album Covers of All Time Redux
Awhile back I published this list and it has remained VERY popular. I get 20 to 30 hits a day just for this post. So...I am doing what every media outlet does when they have a hit, I am reissuing it over and over. This time with my snarky remarks...
10. 
Um, you know you have a problem when the MEN in your family are better looking than the women.
9. 
Wally? She doesn't care. At least, she didn't care last night when we were listening to MY album.
8. 
I don't know if this is supposed to appeal to men or women, but I do know this: he wouldn't know what to do with either of them.
7. 
Why do the sweaters have scoop necks if the shirts don't have open collars? And is your church held in a barn? Cuz that would be cool.
6. 
Was the studio out of razors? Why are three of these guys smiling? What's going on under there? Wait, I don't want to know.
5. 
You laugh, but I love her. She will be mine. Oh, yes. She. Will. Be. Mine.
4. 
If I was making an album about the loss of every single one of my friends, I would want it put out by the "Rainbow" record company, too. Nobody knows loss and death like those Rainbow guys.
3. 
Ah, Ken, I actually like your suit. But I have a request: can the Broyhill carpet guy that installed your shag be shot?
2.
Where to start, Dave? The unfortunate placement of the word "Zap?" The fact that your master has lashed you to a turntable? Your juicy mullet? You know, leather pants are a privilege, Dave, not a right. And Michael Jackson called, he wants his shirt back.
And the number one worst album cover of all time...
1.
It's hard to be more gay than the Village People, and they were TRYING to be gay. And your song "All Men Play on 10?" Well your absolute gayness goes to 11.
-Jason Rohrblogger
(5/12/07)
And the alternates...
So many completely inappropriate jokes, so little bandwidth. Insert your own threesome, hot Braille-on-Braille action, or Bouffant-fetish gag here. 
You're God's child? Because you look like a carbon-copy of the nimrod standing next to you. 
I thought Joyce (above) had a lock on the rose-and-bad-eyewear look. And "Heino" is the sound I involuntarily make when I look at you. 
Looks like one of these Crusaders invaded the drive-thru at Taco Bell. He worships the Burger King of Kings.
Well, Jim, you LOOK like you love your life. 
The miracle isn't that she can still play the organ with no hands, it's that she can do it while looped on ecstasy. I don't know how I would handle it, though. I have to play my organ by hand every night. 
You know who I feel for? The guy on the right. He's obviously gained ten pounds, and a second chin, since the suit fitting. And he can't hide his extreme sexiness behind glasses like the Clark Kents on the left. It's gotta suck to not fit in the spiritual daisy chain once the touching starts...
This guy is obviously a serial killer. You can see the lumpy bodies stacked up four-deep and covered in hay behind him. But with all the money to be cadged from dead-people's wallets, you'd think he could get some dental work done...
Look, I don't know if you are a cop or a robber, but you might want to LOAD THAT THING before you threaten me with it (or your jazz themes.) 'Nuff said. 
Whatever John is saying, it took him half a beer and cigarette to work up the courage. My only request for Julie is: show me on the doll where John touched you. 
You're welcome, Mike. You're welcome.
Top Ten Jerry Seinfeld Quotes
10. I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?
9. A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
8. What is a date really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you'll wind up naked.
7. People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.
6. Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.
5. Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?
4. Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
5. Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.
4. There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
3. According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.
2. Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
And the number one Jerry Seinfeld quote...
1. Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
-Jason Rohrblogger
(9/3/08)
And the alternates...
The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, make strangers laugh, get paid to make strangers laugh, and make people talk like you because it's so much fun.
Why do they call it a "building?" It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built?"
The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. "Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here."
There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.
Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel."
The IRS are like the mafia! They can take anything they want!
Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.
I have a friend who's collecting unemployment insurance. This guy has never worked so hard in his life as he has to keep this thing going. He's down there every week, waiting on the lines and getting interviewed and making up all these lies about looking for jobs. If they had any idea of the effort and energy that he is expending to avoid work, I'm sure they'd give him a raise.
Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.
What would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking, all the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a blind date last? About thirteen seconds, I think. "Oh, sorry, your rear end is too big." "That's ok, your breath stinks anyway. See you later."
Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.
Top Ten Infrequently Asked Questions
10. They shoot horses, don't they?
9. Is this the beer line?
8. Are you my mommy?
7. If a picture paints a thousand words, then why can't I paint you?
6. What's up, Chuck?
5. I can has cheezburger?
4. ¿Qué onda, güey?
3. Why can't I be more Cheney-like?
2. Does Alice live here?
And the number one infrequently asked question...
1. Did you just pour hot grits down my pants?
-Jason Rohrblogger
(8/31/08)
Big thanks to Jack over at Fat Jack's Erratic Rants for linking to my Top Ten Things that Sound Dirty in the Bible but Aren't list.
He's got other fun Bible-themed links here and here.
I'll be going to Hell, but with shout-outs like this, my ego won't fit through the door...
Thanks for the blog love, Jack!
-Rohrblogger
