Tuesday, April 05, 2011


101 Things I Want to Do Before I Die

1. Run for Mayor of Funkytown

2. Go to the Wailing Wall and yell, "Hey, Kool-Aid!"

3. Finally pay off my tab at Hooters

4. Double down on a pair of twos in Vegas, baby, Vegas

5. Make a movie starring midgets, crossdressers, and a pink chihuahua

6. Go paraspelunking

7. Date a zoologist

8. Memorize the Qur'an backwards

9. Give a lecture series on banditry

10. Sing the entire libretto to Puccini's "Gianni Schicchi" at karaoke

11. Start a bachata band but insist on playing it conjunto-style

12. Join the La Leche League

13. Photograph a leprechaun breaking a wild unicorn in the Tropic of Cancer

14. Play it cool for awhile

15. Take up smoking

16. Learn how to pilot a paper airplane

17. Buy one of Aerosmith's guitar pics on eBay

18. Three-day backcountry bivouac in Beverly Hills

19. Fly, captain, fly on a mystery ship

20. Yell "THEATER!" in a crowded fire

21. Finish translating "The Epic of Gilgamesh" into Valley Girl

22. Quell an uprising

23. Finally lose at Jeopardy

24. Slap a parking enforcement officer

25. Graduate High school

26. Mosey

27. Read the entire ingredient list on a packet of ketchup

28. Road trip

29. Backup Jennifer Aniston's hard drive

30. Fly in a jet

31. Cry over spilled milk

32. Finish writing my manifesto

33. Fish for Great White Plankton

34. Die and come back

35. Pirate a video about pirates

36. Sail in the Baltic Sea

37. Visit the DMV in the Congo

38. Complete the Marlboro Marathon

39. Lead a full-scale land invasion of Kate Winslet

40. Spend more time at the office

41. Be a stunt man for a major film

42. Read the entire collected works of Margaret Mitchell

43. Hang out with a monkey

44. Walk the plank

45. Sell a chicken at an open-air market

46. Sketch Chernobyl at sunset

47. Do fifty crunches in less than a year

48. Fly too close to the sun

49. Eat at Ed's

50. Play H.O.R.S.E with Kobe Bryant

51. Spit fire

52. Be a spokesman for phlebotomy

53. Put a dollar in the Statue of Liberty's g-string

54. Tour with Tito Jackson

55. Spill the beans

56. Set a world record

57. Kill a real live zombie

58. Cry havoc

59. Take a mime class in Mandarin

60. Run amok

61. Introduce a hippie chick to Ayn Rand

62. Locate the Lost City of Detroit

63. Strike anywhere

64. Build a raft using only coconut hulls and a stick of gum

65. Outsource Michael Moore to China

66. Fill a Jacuzzi with whipped cream and Tabasco sauce

67. Mess with those British dudes who don't move

68. Party with Gabe Kaplan

69. Fence a stolen ketchup packet

70. Reconcile proto-Marxist feminist ideology with a milkshake that brings all the boys to the yard

71. Tell Ricky Martin to shut up

72. Eat sushi with Aquaman

73. Sew a split personality back together

74. Represent

75. Filter water using only my own sense of right and wrong

76. Compete in a krumping competition

77. Smoke a boneless rubber chicken

78. Build an Easter basket out of extruded aluminum

79. Have a cool mural painted on my car

80. Act in a school play within a school play about a school play

81. Compete in a hot dog eating competition

82. Neutralize that one Teletubby that looks at me funny

83. Give out free hugs

84. Describe a color that no one has ever seen before

85. Finally look before I leap

86. Point out the obsequious

87. Learn a bunch of stuff

88. Come to love the smell of Napalm in the morning

89. Lens my Donny Osmond biopic

90. Get into a rap battle

91. Swim the Ganges River at high pyre

92. Pledge allegiance to McDonald's, Disneyland, and Budweiser

93. Frankly give a damn

94. Wish upon a starfish

95. Finish third for once

96. Set the voices in my head to music

97. Play jai alai

98. Jump through a glass window

99. Learn to make tacos proven├žale

100. Get a Burma shave

And the 101st thing I want to do before I die is...

101. Date ├╝bermodel Gabourey Sidibe

-Jason Rohrblogger

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