Sunday, December 31, 2006


Top Ten Signs You Partied Too Hard on New Year's Eve

10. You wake up January 5th. 2008. In bed. In a furniture showroom.

9. You are the lead item over at Celebrity Smack

8. Somehow you got forever banned from Nigeria

7. You wake up the next morning between Bea Arthur and Barbara Bush. And they both want you to run. For president.

6. You snorted more blow than Lindsey Lohan, and puked more than Nicole Richie

5. Your butthole hurts

4. You get hepatitis, your breast implants are missing, and you are married to Kid Rock. (Pamela Anderson only)

3. Your new forehead tattoo proclaims "2007 4 Eva, Bitches!"

2. Your private sex video ends up getting released. By Nickelodeon.

And the number one sign you partied too hard on New Year's Eve...

1. Your ball dropped

-Jason Rohrblogger & Noah Goodbloggie

Thursday, December 28, 2006


Top Ten Rejected Girl Scout Cookies

10. Phat Mints

9. Kinder Whoreos

8. Lemon Blingers

7. Hash Brownies

6. Ring-a-ding-dings

5. eCookies

4. Turds in a Blanket

3. JonBenetBerry

2. Vermouthies

And the number one rejected Girl Scout cookie...

1. Nilla Iced

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternates...

Thandy Newtons
Islamic Fun-a-mint-alist
Short ribs
Ghetto Crunk Surprise
Skirt Lifters
Flour Power
Mormon Bites
Peanut Bitter
Cocoa Freebase
Operating Thetan Sandies
Boutros Boutros-Lollies
Dizzouble Dizzutch

Friday, December 22, 2006


Top Ten Reindeer Pet Peeves

10. Naughty List weighs 2.3 metric tons this year

9. Mrs. Claus' Jerkyworks & Glue Factory

8. Depletion of their natural habitat, the reinforest

7. Rudolph's nose always draws RPG fire during stops in Fallujah

6. Dasher won't break up with that girlfriend nobody can stand

5. Purina Reindeer Chow mostly sawdust and apple cores

4. Easter Bunny always leaves floating clot of hair in the Jacuzzi

3. The way Santa insists on riding an alligator through New Orleans

2. Dancer swears Elton John wrote that song about him

And the number one reindeer pet peeve...

1. Nobody ran over grandma. She tripped and fell with a blood-eggnog level of 1.1. It's all there in the police report

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternates...

Donner won't fly on the Sabbath
Overnight stops at the Mustang Ranch
Sleigh bells that chafe
Blitzen always blitzed
Santa won't do Slim Fast, Atkins, or gastric bypass
Prancer's lisp

Tuesday, December 19, 2006


Top Ten Christmas Rap Songs

10. Violent Night

9. I'm Dreaming of a White Mistress

8. Chestnuts Roasting as I Open Fire

7. What Child is This? He Ain't Mine!

6. Deck the Ho's

5. Frosty the Dopeman

4. Police Navidad

3. Slay, Ride

2. We Three Martin Luther Kings

And the number one Christmas rap song...

1. I Saw Mama Dissing Santa Claus

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternates...

Over the River and Through the Hood
Jingle Bell Crack
It Crunked Upon a Midnight Clear
O Stoli Night
As Frosty as They Wanna Be

Saturday, December 16, 2006


Top Eight Rejected Magic 8 Ball Predictions

8. Shut up, quit asking

7. Ah, Jesus, not this you can't have a pony. Where would we put it?

6. All signs point to Mecca

5. The cease and desist letter will arrive soon

4. Yes, yes, oh YESSS!! Uh, yessss! Mmmmm! Right there! Yes!

3. You can't handle the truth

2. There's e-coli in your taco

And the number one rejected Magic 8 Ball prediction...

1. You are about to get a Magic 8 Ball in your Magic 8 Hole

-Jason Rohrblogger

Wednesday, December 13, 2006


I stole this from Yummy Sushi Pajamas...

1. Is there anybody you just wish would fall off the face of the earth?
-Paris Hilton, Kevin Federline, JonBenet Ramsey (Oh, wait, she's already gone...)

2. How do you flush the toilet in public?
-With my silent Ninja flushing skills

3. Do you wear your seatbelt in the car?

4. Do you have a crush on someone?
-Tinky Winky (He's winky, but he's not very tinky...)

5. Name one thing that you start to get tense about if you are close to running out of it:

6. What famous person do you (or other people) think you resemble?
-Brad Pitt, Leonardo DiCaprio, Danny DeVito

7. What is your favorite pizza topping?
-Cardboard box

8. Do you crack your knuckles?
-I also knuckle some cracks

9. What song do you hate the most when it gets stuck in your head?
-Kanon und Gigue in D-Dur für drei Violinen und Basso Continuo

10. Did just mentioning that song make it get stuck in your head?
-No, but I’m sure it will be later

11. What are your super powers?
-MegaSleep, Awkwardly Hit on Coworkers, Transform any Alcohol into Urine

12. Peppermint or spearmint?

13. Where are your car keys?
-In the Lake of Fire inside Mount Doom

14. Whose answers to this questionnaire do you want to hear?
-Kevin Bacon

15. What's your most annoying habit?
-Picking other people's noses

16. Where did you last go on vacation?

17. If you could punch one person in the nose and get away with it, who would it be?
-Ryan Seacrest

18. What is your best physical feature?
-My left thumbnail

19. What CD is closest to you right now?
-"Learn Latin the Franciscan Way!"

20. What 3 things can always be found in your refrigerator?
-Cold air, moisture, lightbulb

21. What superstition do you believe in/practice?
-Lock the door twice, turn off the stove three times, touch all four corners of the room

22. What color are your bed sheets?

23. Would you rather be a fish or a bird?
-In England I'd rather be a bird. In prison I'd rather be a fish

24. Do you talk on your cell phone when you drive?
-Oh yeah

25. What are your favorite sayings?
-"I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet cold sores that last for three days."

26. What song(s) do you sing most often in the shower?
-White and Nerdy

27. If you could go back or forward in time, would you and where would you go?
-I would jump forward to the day I get out of prison

28. What is your favorite Harrison Ford movie?
-That one where he plays the tough-but-lovable rogue who mentors the kid and falls for the girl

29. What CD is in your stereo?
-"Too Shy" cassingle by Kajagoogoo

30. What CD will be in your stereo in a few minutes?
-"Forget Latin with Ludacris!"

31. How many kids do you plan on having?
-Whatever the DNA tests tell the court

32. If you could kiss anyone who would it be?
-Don Corleone

33. Would you really want to kiss someone you didn't know, even if they are famous?
-Um, where do I have to kiss them?

34. If they made a movie about your life, what actor/actress would be the best for this job?
-Mike Tyson, making his big screen breakout debut performance in "Rohrblogger! The Musical!"

35. Would you rather die in a blaze of glory or peacefully in your sleep?
-In a blaze of peaceful, glorious sleep

36. Ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?
-I've danced with yer mom in the pale moonlight

37. Coffee or tea?
-Precious, life-giving, Diet Coke

38. Favorite musician(s)/bands you've seen in concert?
-Merrill Osmond and Art Garfunkle Live at the Charlie Pride Olde Tyme Theatre in Branson, MO

39. Have you ever been in love?

40. Do you talk to yourself?

41. Have you ever started to fill out a survey and then thought "this is stupid" and stop without finishing it?


Thursday, December 07, 2006


Top Ten Things I Was Thinking

10. Grandma wouldn't notice

9. Britney's gonna start with the phone calls and emails again soon

8. That the Zoning Board wouldn't be a bunch of Fascist Municipal Overlords raining down codified death on personal structural expression

7. The kids will thank me later

6. Bush won't have any trouble proving North Korea has weapons of mass destruction since they showed that to the world already

5. Lemonade is nice

4. Guns n' Roses rocks beyond all bands who have ever rocked in the history of rhythmic sound

3. Whatever happened to that kid from 10th grade church youth group that was really into working out?

2. The wind can't possibly pick that up and start a fire

And the number one thing I was thinking...

1. I know what that Kate Winslet needs

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternates...

No, really, who let the dogs out?
Is that a pistol in your pocket?
Too soon?
Where have all the flowers gone?
Is this funny?

Monday, December 04, 2006


Top Ten New Ways to Sell Jesus

10. As cool lifestyle

9. As fuel for busy executives

8. As lastest blog craze

7. As IT solution

6. As political pundit

5. Bundled with fries and a drink

4. As choice of a new generation

3. As full-flavor with half the tar and nicotine, zero carbs, and fat free

2. As alternative to Windows Vista™

And the number one new way to sell Jesus...

1. As ancient Jewish carpenter with something to say about modern life

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternate...

As 24-hour alternative to Denny's

Friday, December 01, 2006


Top Ten Other Things That Kellis' Milkshake Brings to the Yard According to My Rhyming Dictionary

10. Toys

9. Myrna Loy

8. Hoi Polloi

7. Moishe

6. Freud

5. Joy

4. Goyim

3. Ploys

2. Soy

And the number one thing that Kellis' milkshake brings to the yard according to my rhyming dictionary...

1. Koi

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternates...

St. Croix