Thursday, February 28, 2008


Top Ten Dumbest Celebrity Quotes

10. "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
-Greg Norman, Golfer

9. "You guys, line up alphabetically by height."
-Bill Peterson, Florida State football coach

8. "I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada."
-Britney Spears, in Blender Magazine (April 2004)

7. "Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself."
-Gyrator, Chicago Rotary Club journal

6. "I'm so smart now. Everyone's always like 'take your top off'. Sorry, NO! They always want to get that money shot. I'm not stupid."
-Paris Hilton (December 2003)

5. "We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
-Lee Iacocca, Chairman of the Chrysler corporation

4. "The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
-Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice-President

3. "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
-Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign

2. "Be sure and put some of those neutrons on it."
-Mike Smith, Baseball pitcher, ordering a salad at a restaurant

And the number one dumbest celebrity quote...

1. "I think war is a dangerous place."
-George W. Bush, Washington, D.C. (May 7, 2003)

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternates...

"I'm not anorexic. I'm from Texas. Are there people from Texas that are anorexic? I've never heard of one. And that includes me."
—Jessica Simpson

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
-Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice President

"Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything."
-Ivana Trump, on finishing her first novel

"I'm convinced the Beatles are partly responsible for the fall of Communism."
-Milos Forman, Film director

"When I'm a blonde, I can say the world is purple, and they'll believe me because they weren't listening to me."
-Kylie Bax, Model/Actress, in Stuff magazine

"The internet is a great way to get on the net."
-Bob Dole, former Republican presidential candidate

"It's nice, it gives you a feeling of security so that if something breaks we know we can always call a guy over and he'll bring a drill or something."
-Brooke Shields, Actress, on why it was is good to live in a co-ed dormitory when she was in college

"These people haven't seen the last of my face. If I go down, I'm going down standing up."
-Chuck Person, NBA Basketball player

"I think gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman."
-Arnold Schwarzenegger

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
-Mariah Carey, pop singer

"Predictions are difficult. Especially about the future."
-Yogi Berra, Baseball player

"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."
-Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice

"And now the sequence of events in no particular order."
-Dan Rather, television news anchor

"The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing."
-Dizzy Dean, explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series

"I was in a no-win situation, so I'm glad that I won rather than lost."
-Frank Bruno, Boxer

"I have opinions of my own, strong opinions, but I don't always agree with them."
-George W. Bush

"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
-George Rogers, NFL New Orleans Saint RB, when asked about the upcoming season

"I do not like this word 'bomb.' It is not a bomb. It is a device that is exploding."
-Jacques le Blanc, French ambassador on nuclear weapons

"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
-Joe Theisman, quarterback and sports analyst

"If I sold all my liabilities, I wouldn't own anything. My wife's a liability, my kids are liabilities, and I haven't sold them."
-Ted Turner, media mogul, on selling off his money losing properties

"They misunderestimated me."
-George W Bush, Bentonville, AR, (Nov. 6, 2000)

"Facts are stupid things."
-Ronald Reagan, former U.S. President

"A bachelor's life is no life for a single man."
-Samuel Goldwyn

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
-Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.

"We are not ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
-Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice President

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
-Keppel Enderbery, Former Australian cabinet minister

"Pitching is 80% of the game. The other half is hitting and fielding."
-Mickey Rivers, baseball player

"So Carol, you're a housewife and mother. And have you got any children?"
-Michael Barrymore

"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
-Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer

"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight."
-George Gobels

"So, where's the Cannes Film Festival being held this year?"
-Christina Aguilera

Monday, February 25, 2008


Answer: Ten

10. One to deny that a light bulb is burned out

9. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed

8. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb

7. One to tell other nations that they are either for changing the light bulb or for eternal darkness

6. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for the new light bulb

5. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner "Bulb Accomplished"

4. One administration insider to resign and write a book documenting in detail how Bush was literally in the dark the whole time

3. One to viciously smear #4

2. One to spread talking points about how George Bush has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along

And the number one answer to "how many Bush administration officials does it take to change a light bulb?"...

1. One to go on "Meet the Press" and explain there was never a light bulb that needed changing in the entire history of the glorious Bush administration, and only freedom-hating liberals spreading lies say differently

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternates...

One to arrange the invasion of a country rumored to have a secret stockpile of light bulbs

One to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country

None. There is nothing wrong with the light bulb; it's conditions are improving every day. Any reports of its lack of incandescence are delusional spin from the liberal media. That light bulb has served honorably, and anything you say undermines the lighting effect. Why do you hate freedom?

Friday, February 22, 2008


Top Ten Signs You are Not Going to Win an Oscar

10. Your best work was in "Big Butt Sluts 14"

9. You are the governor of the state of California or Minnesota

8. Your directorial debut involved Mentos and Diet Coke

7. The world wasn't ready for your "Hômage du Stoogé"

6. "Ebonics the Hedgehog" doesn't count as a foreign language film

5. Your script for "Porky's IV: Porkier" doesn't answer all the questions raised in "Porky's III"

4. There is no Best Supporting Douchebag category

3. Your date to the ceremony is Bubbles the Chimp

2. Your remake of "Cocoon?" - "An Incontinent Truth"

And the number one sign you are not going to win an Oscar...

1. You cast Mel Gibson and Michael Richards in the heartwarming musical, "Suga Tits n' tha Hood"

-Jason Rohrblogger

Tuesday, February 19, 2008


Top Ten Cigarette Brands in Iraq

10. Salem Light-and-get-away-fast

9. Lucky Strikeforce

8. Poison Gas in a Tube

7. Infidel Matchlite 100's

6. Capri Full of Dynamite

5. Moore

4. Kool Bodies

3. Fallujah Slims

2. Camel

And the number one cigarette brand in Iraq...

1. Mosulboro

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternates...

Abu Gauloises
Mild Parliament
American Spirit of Democracy
Tareyton Truck
Viceroy Bremer

Saturday, February 16, 2008


Top Ten Rejected Tom Cruise Movies

10. Xenu: Warrior Princess

9. Dances with Couch

8. Thetan Worship

7. Mission Imp

6. Weird Scien-tology

5. My Dinner with Placenta

4. All the Wrong Moves

3. Katie Holmes Alone

2. Muppet from Space

And the number one rejected Tom Cruise movie...

1. The Last Risky Top Young Guns Losin' It on the Fourth of July

-Jason Rohrblogger

Wednesday, February 13, 2008


Top Ten Country and Western Songs

10. I Hate Every Bone in Her Body but Mine

9. I Ain't Never Gone to Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up with a Few

8. If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know it's Me

7. I've Missed You, but My Aim's Improvin'

6. Wouldn't Take Her to a Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win

5. I'm So Miserable Without You it's Like You're Still Here

4. My Wife Ran Off with My Best Friend and I Miss Him

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger

2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer

And the number one country and western song...

1. It's Hard to Kiss the Lips at Night that Chewed My Ass Out All Day Long

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternates...

Get Your Biscuits in The Oven and Your Buns in Bed
Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
Her Teeth Was Stained, but Her Heart Was Pure
How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?
I Can't Get Over You, So Why Don't You Get Under Me?
I Got in at Two with a Ten and Woke Up at Ten with a Two
I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
I've Got Tears in My Ears from Lying on My Back in My Bed While I Cry Over You
If I Had Shot You When I Wanted to, I'd Be Out by Now
Please Bypass this Heart
She's Acting Single and I'm Drinking Doubles

Sunday, February 10, 2008


Top Ten Rejected Westerns Starring Rappers

10. High Plains Sistah

9. The Outlaw LL Cool Josey Wales

8. Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid n' Play

7. Dr. Dre, Medicine Woman

6. The Notorious Big Jake

5. The Quiet Method Man

4. How Green Was My Eminem

3. Two Mules for Sister Souljah

2. The DJ Quik and the Dead

And the number one rejected western starring a rapper...

1. Kanye Westworld

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternates...

The Yellowman Who Shot Liberty Valance
Westward Ho
The Good, the Slim, and the Shady
Sugar Hill Shane
Billy the Kid Frost
André 3:10 to Yuma
Young Jeezy Guns II

Thursday, February 07, 2008


Top Ten Avertising Slogans for Jason Rohrblogger's Top Ten

10. Tonight, let it be Rohrblogger

9. Crunch all you want, we'll make Rohrblogger

8. Ribbed for her Rohrblogger

7. Tell them about the Rohrblogger, Mommy

6. Half the Rohrblogger, all the taste

5. Don't leave home without Rohrblogger

4. Absolut Rohrblogger

3. Strong and beautiful, just like Rohrblogger

2. We've secretly replaced the fine Rohrblogger normally served with Folger's Crystals. Let's see if anyone notices.

And the number one advertising slogan for Jason Rohrblogger's Top Ten...

1. I liked Rohrblogger so much, I bought the company

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternates...

With a name like Rohrblogger, it has to be good
Rohrblogger, take me away
Rohrblogger tastes good, like a Rohrblogger should
Rohrblogger, works every time
More Americans get their Rohrblogger from JRTT than from any other source
As for me and my house, we will serve the Rohrblogger
Nothing acts faster than Rohrblogger
There's always room for Rohrblogger
Is it live, or is it Rohrblogger?
Time to make the Rohrblogger
Pardon me, do you have any Rohrblogger?
Easy. Breezy. Rohrblogger.
Rohrblogger, it's everywhere you want to be
Because so much is riding on your Rohrblogger
Choosey mothers choose Rohrblogger
Leggo my Rohrblogger!
Does she or doesn't she? Only her Rohrblogger knows for sure.
A Rohrblogger is forever
Come see the softer side of Rohrblogger
Rohrblogger: the other white meat
Hungry? Why wait? Grab a Rohrblogger.
The choice of a new Rohrblogger
Ask your doctor if Rohrblogger is right for you
The un-Rohrblogger
We don't make the Rohrblogger, we make the Rohrblogger better
Let your fingers do the Rohrblogger
I can't believe I ate the whole Rohrblogger
Now 10% more Rohrbloggier!
Rohrblogger is Job 1

Monday, February 04, 2008


As we poll ourselves here in California to cock us, I give you...

Top Ten Dumbest California Laws (...and My Snarky Remarks)

10. Hollywood: It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time. (Or, for that matter, more than two thousand hookers at one time.)

9. Burlingame: It is illegal to spit, except on baseball diamonds; Carmel: Ice cream may not be eaten while standing on the sidewalk. (Repealed when Clint Eastwood was mayor); Women may not wear high heels while in the city limits. (That's funny, I used to pay Hollywood Blvd hookers to wear high heels, spit, and eat ice cream. On the sidewalk.)

8. San Diego: It is illegal to shoot jackrabbits from the back of a streetcar; The owners of houses with Christmas lights on them past February second may be fined up to $250.00.
(-"Cooter! Get mah jackrabbit gun! The streetcar's a-comin'!"
-"Now jest hold on there, I gotta git these Christmas lights down 'fore the second!")

7. In California it is against regulations to let phones ring more than nine times in state offices. (However, you may be put on hold up to nine years.)

6. In Los Angeles courts it is illegal to cry on the witness stand. (You may lie, but you may not cry.)

5. In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit. (But they may have sex with a permit if it's, you know, a really good-looking permit.)

4. Baldwin Park: Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool. (Or bathe in a velodrome.)

3. A regulation in San Francisco makes it unlawful to use used underwear to wipe off cars in a car wash. (But new underwear is just fine. Preferably fishnets or one of those little thongs.)

2. Blythe: You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows. (And you may not wear a wedding ring unless you already own at least two wives.)

And the number one dumbest California law (...and my snarky remark)...

1. In Los Angeles a man is legally entitled to beat his wife with a leather belt or strap, but the belt cannot be wider than two inches, unless he has his wife's consent to beat her with a wider strap. Consent should be given prior to the event, as is carefully stipulated. ("Honey, please sign this consent form so I may beat you with this large novelty strap.")

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternates...

San Francisco bans any "mechanical device that reproduces obscene language." (I guess that includes all computers.)

Lodi: It is illegal to own or sell "Silly String." (Ever since they hung Silly the Kid from the highest string.)

Prunedale: Two bathtubs may not be installed in the same house. (It should be illegal to live in a town called "Prunedale.")

San Jose: It is illegal to have more than two cats or dogs. (But they may have sex without a permit. And you may also use cats and dogs to wipe off cars in a car wash.)

Friday, February 01, 2008


Top Ten Things that Suck

10. Car Alarms

9. Customer Service

8. Traffic

7. Vending Machines

6. Ticketmaster Fees

5. Cell Phone Cameras

4. Credit Cards

3. Commercial Airlines

2. War

And the number one thing that sucks...

1. Working for a Living

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternates...

Nancy Grace
Junk Mail
Slow Internet Connections
Web Video