Monday, February 04, 2008


As we poll ourselves here in California to cock us, I give you...

Top Ten Dumbest California Laws (...and My Snarky Remarks)

10. Hollywood: It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time. (Or, for that matter, more than two thousand hookers at one time.)

9. Burlingame: It is illegal to spit, except on baseball diamonds; Carmel: Ice cream may not be eaten while standing on the sidewalk. (Repealed when Clint Eastwood was mayor); Women may not wear high heels while in the city limits. (That's funny, I used to pay Hollywood Blvd hookers to wear high heels, spit, and eat ice cream. On the sidewalk.)

8. San Diego: It is illegal to shoot jackrabbits from the back of a streetcar; The owners of houses with Christmas lights on them past February second may be fined up to $250.00.
(-"Cooter! Get mah jackrabbit gun! The streetcar's a-comin'!"
-"Now jest hold on there, I gotta git these Christmas lights down 'fore the second!")

7. In California it is against regulations to let phones ring more than nine times in state offices. (However, you may be put on hold up to nine years.)

6. In Los Angeles courts it is illegal to cry on the witness stand. (You may lie, but you may not cry.)

5. In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit. (But they may have sex with a permit if it's, you know, a really good-looking permit.)

4. Baldwin Park: Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool. (Or bathe in a velodrome.)

3. A regulation in San Francisco makes it unlawful to use used underwear to wipe off cars in a car wash. (But new underwear is just fine. Preferably fishnets or one of those little thongs.)

2. Blythe: You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows. (And you may not wear a wedding ring unless you already own at least two wives.)

And the number one dumbest California law (...and my snarky remark)...

1. In Los Angeles a man is legally entitled to beat his wife with a leather belt or strap, but the belt cannot be wider than two inches, unless he has his wife's consent to beat her with a wider strap. Consent should be given prior to the event, as is carefully stipulated. ("Honey, please sign this consent form so I may beat you with this large novelty strap.")

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternates...

San Francisco bans any "mechanical device that reproduces obscene language." (I guess that includes all computers.)

Lodi: It is illegal to own or sell "Silly String." (Ever since they hung Silly the Kid from the highest string.)

Prunedale: Two bathtubs may not be installed in the same house. (It should be illegal to live in a town called "Prunedale.")

San Jose: It is illegal to have more than two cats or dogs. (But they may have sex without a permit. And you may also use cats and dogs to wipe off cars in a car wash.)


Atomic Bombshell said...

You can't say Blythe without following it up with: that God-forsaken town.

Adrian said...

Hicks-ville USA. 'Nuff said!