Friday, October 30, 2009


Top Ten Captains

10. Cap'n Crunch

9. Captain Kangaroo

8. Captain Stubing

7. Captain Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger

6. Captain & Tennille

5. Captain Caveman

4. Captain of Her Heart

3. Captain Kirk

2. Captain America

And the number one captain...

1. Captain Morgan

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternates...

Captain Ahab
Captain Hawkeye Pierce
Captain Hook
Captain Nemo
Captain Han Solo
Captain Kidd
Captain Jack Sparrow
Captain Obvious
Captain Underpants
Captain Jonas Grumby

Tuesday, October 27, 2009


Top Ten Best Halloween Songs

10. "Welcome to My Nightmare" -Alice Cooper

"We sweat, laugh, and scream here,
'Cause life is just a dream here"

9. "(Don't Fear) the Reaper" -Blue Öyster Cult
"Seasons don't fear The Reaper
Nor do the wind, the sun, and the rain"

8. "Cry Little Sister" -Gerard McMann
"Blind boys don't lie"

7. "Dead Man's Party" -Oingo Boingo
"Everybody's comin', leave your body at the door"

6. "Ghostbusters" -Ray Parker, Jr.
"If there's something weird and it don't look good,
Who ya gonna call? Ghostbusters!"

5. "Monster Mash" -Bobby "Boris" Pickett
"For my monster from his slab began to rise
And suddenly to my surprise, he did the mash"

4. "Time Warp" -Richard O'Brien
"With your hands on your hips, you bring your knees in tight
But it's the pelvic thrust that really drives you insane,
Let's do the Time Warp again!"

3. "Werewolves of London" -Warren Zevon
"I saw a werewolf drinking a piña colada at Trader Vic's
His hair was perfect"

2. "Highway to Hell" -AC/DC
"Going down, party time
My friends are gonna be there, too"

And the number one Halloween song...

1. "Thriller" -Michael Jackson
"You feel the cold hand and wonder if you'll ever see the sun
You close your eyes and hope that this is just imagination, girl!"

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternates...

"Psycho Killer" -Talking Heads
"We are vain and we are blind
I hate people when they're not polite"

"Nightmare on My Street" -DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince
"He comes to me at night after I crawl into bed
He's burnt up like a weenie and his name is Fred"

"The Toccata and Fugue in D minor" -Johann Sebastian Bach
"Da dah dah, Dah da dah dah DAH dah"

Monday, October 26, 2009


Tip o' the blog to Darby Clark over at Muse With Me for writing a Rohrblogger-inspired Top Ten post and linking back to me!

Check out Darby's hilarity for yourself. Ms. Clark if you're nasty.

Thanks for the blog love, Ms. Clark...


Saturday, October 24, 2009


Top Ten Rejected Energy Drink Flavors

10. Shockolate

9. Blue Bulls

8. Carpé Cream

7. Manana

6. Steak & Onion

5. FD&C Yellow No. 5

4. Electric Hammer

3. Ricin

2. Horehound

And the number one rejected energy drink flavor...

1. Gentle Sea Breeze

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternates...

Menthol Ultra Light 100s
Chunky Vinegar & Oil
Key Lime Kidney Failure
X-treme Hollandaise
Corn Squeezins

Thursday, October 22, 2009


Halloween treats to Jack over at Fat Jack's Erratic Rants for linking to my Satan list.

I've been blogging from Hell for years. By the way, Pol Pot says hi!

Thanks for the Devilink, Jack...


Tuesday, October 20, 2009


Top Ten Ways Satan is Cutting Back this Halloween

10. Purgatory closed, all sinners sent to Abu Ghraib

9. Only putting razor blades in every other apple

8. Backmasking on Beatles albums now suggest you drink Pepsi

7. Church of Satan will no longer accept tithe in goats

6. Salem witch rituals outsourced to China

5. Pitchfork downgraded to salad fork

4. Only sponsoring three bands at Ozzfest this year

3. Sell two souls for eternity and the third one is free

2. Fine chicken blood normally sprinkled replaced with Folger's Crystals

And the number one way Satan is cutting back this Halloween...

1. Thinking about moving back in with Yahweh

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternates...

Not going down to Georgia
Hooves 10% less cloven
Road to Hell paved with mediocre intentions
Handbasket will not depart until full

Saturday, October 17, 2009


Contrite shout out to Jack over at Fat Jack's Erratic Rants for linking to my Top Ten Apologies list.

I regret any remorse that my sorrow may have caused. Please forgive my apology.

It's all my fault. Well, me and the government, television, banking laws, politics, and lawyers...


Friday, October 16, 2009


Top Ten Sumo Diet Tips

10. Lettuce is for the weak

9. Avoid portions smaller than a hog

8. Octopus slurry will stretch a milkshake

7. Wrestler who cannot defeat buffet, cannot defeat adversary

6. At Taco Bell thirteen items is a snack, twenty-six items is a meal

5. Kobe Bryant is not a type of beef

4. Preempt hunger with a meal between breakfast and brunch

3. Japanese-accented Fat Bastard impressions are beyond funny

2. The food pyramid makes a great appetizer

And the number one sumo diet tip...

1. After you have vanquished your opponent, it is honorable to finish his sandwich

-Jason Rohrblogger

Tuesday, October 13, 2009


Top Ten Jason Apologies

10. I would like to apologize to all the farm animals I slept with who work for me on this blog

9. I regret taking steroids while I wrote my lists

8. I'm especially contrite over all the lame jokes I've made at the expense of Sarah Palin

7. My behavoir has hurt the real humor writers on the internet, and for that I am remorseful

6. I'm sorry for bringing sexy back

5. I owe Sir Mix-a-lot several apologies

4. I'm sorry my actions have been perceived by others to be egregious. I'm not sorry for my actions, just the perception that they were bad

3. I regret my misplaced unresolved anger towards Belgium

2. I replaced the fine apology normally served with Folger's Crystals to see if anyone notices. I regret the error

And the number one Jason apology...

1. Please forgive my complete lack of humor, originality, or ethics. My behavoir is a result of society, my upbringing, excessive alcohol, poor hygiene, drugs, American culture, the language barrier, and Sarah Palin

-Jason Rohrblogger

Thursday, October 08, 2009


Top Ten Rejected Knitting Videos

10. Baby Got Box Stitch

9. Two Girls One Quilt

8. The Needle and the Knife

7. Extreme Altitude Knitting

6. Twelve-gauge Swatch of Death

5. Knots in Space

4. Deep Penetration Knitting

3. Loops

2. Titan-knit

And the number one rejected kitting video...

1. Joanie Loves Knotsie

-Jason Rohblogger

Monday, October 05, 2009


Jason's Top Ten Kitchen Tips

10. Veggie burgers aren't bad if you put enough bacon on them

9. Red wine goes well with white wine

7. Black Eyed Peas make a great opening for Meatloaf followed by Cake

6. Kiss the cook, or barring that, bring chocolate

5. Conserve water by drinking vodka

4. Frosting helps the rice cake go down

3. It's not every woman will get up and make a man biscuits and gravy

2. Unfortunately, while barbecuing, you have to wear more than just an apron

And Jason's number one kitchen tip...

1. Don't pour hot grits down your pants

-Jason Rohrblogger