Sunday, May 31, 2009

GRACIAS POR EL ACOPLAMIENTO

Gracias grandes a Héctor Fabricio Flores por enlazar a mi Top Ten Victoria's Secret Models la lista encima en Tva ¡Wow! blog. Usted es mi preferencia diez ultima por todas las cosas español...

¡Que rica!

-Rohrblogger

Saturday, May 30, 2009

TOP TEN REJECTED FORMS OF CONTRACEPTION

Top Ten Rejected Forms of Contraception

10. The Patch Adams

9. The IOU

8. Denial

7. Syncopated Rhythm Method

6. Plan C

5. The Breast Implant

4. Morning After Kill

3. Absinthence

2. Nuva Wedding Ring

And the number one rejected form of contraception...

1. Prayer

-Jason Rohrblogger
(04/06/06)

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

TOP TEN REJECTED SUMMER MOVIE SEQUELS

Top Ten Rejected Summer Movie Sequels

10. Cold Mountain Deux

9. Titanic's Revenge of the Titanic: Icebergs in Paradise

8. Debbie Does Fallujah

7. Last Tango in Paris Hilton

6. Like Water for Chocolate Thunder Downunder

5. Snatch'd and Snatch'rer

4. Chasing Amy's Papi

3. The Sound of Music II: Electric Boogaloo

2. Bachelor Ba'ath Party

And the number one rejected summer movie sequel...

1. You Got Smurfed

-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/06/04)

And the alternates...

Gulf War 3-D
Left Behinderer
Shallow Halitosis
The Gas-Electric Hybrid Horseman
Big Trouble in Little Baghdad
American Pie 3.14159265
My Big Fat Greek Divorce
Bad News Angels and Demons
Losin' It II: Finding It Again
Harry Potter and the Endless Merchandising of Doom
Fast & Bi-Furious
Sherlock Homie
The Taking of Pelham 456
The Second to Last Temptation of Christ

Sunday, May 24, 2009

TOP TEN SIGNS IT'S SUMMER IN LOS ANGELES

Top Ten Signs It's Summer in Los Angeles

10. Tanning beds mothballed until Fall

9. Smog layer glistens

8. Buses disgorge fresh batch of teenage runaways from Midwest

7. Four-hour waits at DPSO: Discount Plastic Surgery Outlet

6. New seasonal Coke flavor: SPF 30

5. Roseanne Barr takes down her Christmas decorations

4. Smokers forced to stand outside in sun risking two forms of cancer

3. Characters at Disneyland issued tank tops and cut-offs

2. Marines storm Paris Hilton's beach blanket in effort to stem the tide of herpes

And the number one sign it's summer in Los Angeles...

1. Film critics praise screening of "Angels & Demons" as "...fabulously air-conditioned..."

-Jason Rohrblogger
(05/07/05)

And the alternate...

Richard Simmons' star on Hollywood Walk of Fame bursts into flames

Thursday, May 21, 2009

TOP TEN PROJECTS IN DEVELOPMENT AT GOOGLE

Top Ten Projects in Development at Google

10. Ads based on how early in the morning you are still on Facebook trying to get a date

9. A web browser that doesn't suck

8. Ability to help rocking horse people find marshmallow pies

7. Text ads in braille

6. Page rank system that returns results based on whether or not Simon Cowell likes them

5. Ability to search your feelings, you know it to be true

4. Location of Waldo, Carmen San Diego, and Osama bin Laden

3. G-spot mail

2. 1.2 million results per page

And the number one project in development at Google...

1. A search function to find your lost virginity

-Jason Rohrblogger
(5/21/09)

Monday, May 18, 2009

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU ARE AT A BAD CIRCUS

Top Ten Signs You are at a Bad Circus

10. Some clown won't quit hitting on you

9. Sideshow is Perez Hilton interviewing Lady Gaga

8. Clown car comfortably seats four

7. Britney Spears won't quit singing

6. Sad clown all hopped up on Prozac

5. Cotton candy is 60% real cotton

4. One ring to rule them all, one ring to find them, one ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them

3. Lion tamer spends forty-five minutes taunting Montecore

2. Tent smells like diet meth and Crystal Pepsi

And the number one sign you are at a bad circus...

1. Michael Buffer opens the show with "Let's get ready to rumble!"

-Jason Rohrblogger
(5/18/09)

Friday, May 15, 2009

TOP TEN REPUBLICAN COMEBACK IDEAS

Top Ten Republican Comeback Ideas

10. Shoot ALL lawyers in the face

9. Palin/Prejean 2012

8. Free KFC for everyone!

7. Stop politicizing abortion, global warming, evolution, gay marriage, and cable news networks

6. Get Octomom to register all of her offspring, get off welfare

5. Pass a budget that actually lowers taxes and reduces government

4. Exploding cigar sent to Jon Stewart

3. Cut and run

2. Hire Rielle Hunter to videotape Barack Obama

And the number one Republican comeback idea...

1. They send one of yours to the senate, you send one of theirs to the morgue

-Jason Rohrblogger
(5/15/09)

And the alternates...

Rumsfeld/Limbaugh 2016
Preemptive war with France
Find Osama bin Laden, make him run against Arlen Specter
Nuke Berkeley

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

DOWNSIZED TO MERELY PLUMP JACK

Medium-sized ups to Jack over at Fat Jack's Erratic Rants for linking to my Top Ten Ways I am Downsizing in this Economy list.

Normally I would go on and on about how awesome Jack is, but all I can afford is to offer him some of my filet mignramen.

Thanks for answering the call: "Brother can you spare a link?"

-Rohrblogger

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

INSULT GENERATOR

Sorry about the huge empty space in this post! I write HTML table code the way George W. Bush speaks English.

Insult Generator (Insulterator?)

Sometimes life calls for more than just a token epithet to register your loathing and disgust. Pick one from Column A, one from Column B, and one from Column C. Wars have been started for less. Click here to begin...





















































































-A- -B- -C-
FilthyLawnMonger
Big HairyHoundSpangler
SmellyPorchKisser
UnshavenNerfHerder
IlliterateDrunkFossil
UnsavorySwineLicker
SwarthyHusbandPuncher
SpackledPoliticianFondler
UnfaithfulSewerGambler
RancidCrotchNazi
CheatingBumCleaner
RacistBailoutJockey
LazyElderberrySwallower
Butt HurtTrashHead
Country FriedMudSucker
HornyCheeseAddict
ConvictedDonkeyTickler
EvilHineyPolisher
UneducatedPornSmuggler


-Jason Rohrblogger
(5/12/09)

Saturday, May 09, 2009

TOP TEN WAYS I AM DOWNSIZING IN THIS ECONOMY

Top Ten Ways I am Downsizing in this Economy

10. Caviar and champale

9. No longer wear designer tattoos

8. Generic heroin

7. Moved from 10,000 square-foot mansion into 10,000 square-foot mobile home

6. Stopped wearing Magnum condoms

5. Stewards on my private jet no longer serve bottled water

4. Also buying used men's underwear on eBay

3. Vacationing in Darfur this season

2. Replacing fine coffee normally served with Folger's Crystals

And the number one way I am downsizing in this economy...

1. Each mistress must make do with only one Jaguar. Hybrid.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(5/09/09)

And the alternates...

Limited to dipping every other chicken wing in ranch dressing
Big-screen TV on my yacht gets basic cable
Natty Light
Only requesting songs on two-fer Tuesday
Gold plating on hall toilet merely 5mm thick
No more filters on my cigarettes
Triangular zirconia
Selling one girl-child to the producers of "Slumdog Millionaire"
Traded in framed Jackson Pollock for a bunch of spilled paint
Whenever I buy one, I always ask for one free
Fleet of Hummers fueled with leftover margarita mix
Less bling

Thursday, May 07, 2009

HEADACHE, NAUSEA, BARGER COMING OUT OF MY NOSE

Big thanks to Tracy over at The Barger Blog for reposting my Top Ten Swine Flu Symptoms list and linking to it.

This post appears contagious! We have three confirmed cases...

Thanks for the (sausage) link love, Tracy!

-Rohrblogger

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

TOP TEN WIFE ONE-LINERS

Top Ten Wife One-liners

10. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
-David Bissonette

9. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
-Sacha Guitry

8. By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-Socrates

7. Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
-Alexandre Dumas

6. The great question, which I have not been able to answer is, "What does a woman want?"
-Voltaire

5. I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
-Sigmund Freud

4. Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
-Henny Youngman

3. I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.
-James Holt McGavra

2. Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
A) Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
B) Whenever you're right, shut up.
-Patrick Murra

And the number one wife one-liner...

1. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
-Ogden Nash

-Jason Rohrblogger
(5/6/09)

And the alternates...

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
-Randall Milton Hoff

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-Henny Youngman

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
-Rodney Dangerfield

A man inserted an ad in the classifieds, "Wife wanted." Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing, "You can have mine."
-Sidney Acera

First Guy (proudly): My wife's an angel!
Second Guy: You're lucky, mine's still alive.
-Roger S. Canter

There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.
-Sam Kinison

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

ACHING, FEVER, ERRATIC RANTING...

Porcine props to Jack over at Fat Jack's Erratic Rants for linking to my Top Ten Swine Flu Symptoms post.

Hope you put on a mask before you read the list, Jack. I didn't put a sneeze guard up and I've apparently infected the entire internet.

Hopefully my list will mutate slightly as it spreads so it can never be stopped. Mwah ha -hack- -cough- -choke-. Thanks again for being my patient zero...

-Rohrblogger

Sunday, May 03, 2009

TOP TEN TABLOID STORIES I'D LIKE TO SEE

Top Ten Tabloid Stories I'd Like to See

10. Barrack Obama's love child with Nicole Brown Simpson

9. 98lb Oprah: "I am NOT anorexic!"

8. Lindsey Lohan/Paris Hilton sex tape

7. Perez Hilton dating Miss USA

6. Nostradamus predicts you will have spaghetti for lunch

5. Jennifer Aniston pregnant with Brad Pitt's octuplets

4. Spencer Pratt leaves Heidi Montag for even younger, hotter, needier woman

3. Blind item: what well-known TV personality goes home to her husband and kids every night and makes dinner?

2. Paparazzi catch Amy Winehouse at church and then the library

And the number on tabloid item I'd like to see...

1. Sober Mel Gibson arrested on outstanding warrants. He's completely respectful to everyone, and apologizes to his wife for everything

-Jason Rohrblogger
(5/3/09)