Sunday, October 30, 2005


Top Ten Reasons Why Jason Will Be Envious He Wasn't in Vegas

10. Prego Bridgette had to eat every two hours, so WE had to eat every two hours

9. Two desperate housewives who haven't been to Vegas in a while

8. Two singles looking for action and getting free alcohol

7. Four chicks driving topless to and from Sin City

6. Four chicks sleeping in a room for six and no one brought PJ's

5. Went to the Hard Rock for some Pink Taco and Margaritas

4. Buffets, half naked ladies. Buffets, half naked ladies

3. Naughty Nightie contest and Bikini Bullriding at the Frontier

2. Hundreds of thousands of rhinestones covering almost nothing

And the number one reason Jason will be envious he wasn't in Vegas...

1. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, so Jason will never know

-Desiree, Bridgette, Michele, and Carol

Friday, October 28, 2005


Top Ten Rejected Country Bands

10. The Dicks See Chicks


8. Crooks & Dung

7. Clit Black

6. MegaMeth

5. Patty Braless

4. KoRNfEd

3. Billy Ray Virus

2. Manson Family Singers

And the number one rejected country band...

1. Uncle Kracker Touched Me

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternates...

Patsy Decline
Wrongway Tittie
Gram Parsons Reject
Melon Ready
Wailin' Jennings
Koby Teeth
Buns of the Pioneers
Tammy Whynot

Tuesday, October 25, 2005


I love me some e-mail SPAM...

Dear Alcohol,

First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around during the holidays hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions.

While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls:
While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2:00am. Why would you make me call those ex-girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating:
Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE and topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls, and chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness:
Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. And sleep on the sidewalk at Hollywood and Vine. It's completely unnecessary, and the black and blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 minutes to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Pictures:
This can be a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify the last point below, but the following costumes are banned from ever being placed on my head in public again: Indian wigs, sombreros, bows, ties, boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic cones, or bras. Also, what is with you making me take pictures with people I clearly don't like when I'm sober? Yet they suddenly become my best friends when a camera is presented?

5. Beer Goggles:
If I think I may know her from somewhere, I most likely do not. Please do not request that I go over and see if in fact, I do actually know that person. Please stop me from talking to the girl with the crooked teeth, track marks, bad breath, six children, etc. Why they are so appealing to me while I'm with you and why are they so disgusting to me the next morning after you have worn off?

6. Furthermore:
The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3:00pm hangover and immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3:00pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions and hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,

Your biggest fan...

-Jason Rohrblogger



1. Innovative

2. Preliminary

3. Proliferation

4. Cinnamon


1. Specificity

2. British Constitution

3. Passive-aggressive disorder


1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.

2. Nope, no more beer for me.

3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?

5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing. Naked.

Sunday, October 23, 2005


Top Ten Signs You Work For Keebler

10. Recruiters from North Pole keep offering you a 10% raise, HMO, Dental, and 401k to come work for Santa.

9. Your paycheck is written on a graham cracker and covered in rich, creamy fudge.

8. Thugs from Hostess are always driving by late at night bustin' caps at your tree.

7. Your intern's dress is stained with Creme Filling.

6. You donated half your earnings to the new Herve Villechaize wing at the Smithsonian.

5. You swear you'll scream if one more gas station attendant tells you to "follow the yellow brick road" the next time you ask for directions.

4. The Pillsbury Doughboy claims he didn't give you that yeast infection.

3. Your last performance evaluation described your work as "Fudgetastic!" and your error rate as "wafer thin."

2. Your I.D. looks suspiciously like a Nutrition Label.

And the number one sign that you work for Keebler...

1. The Polaroids of your "secret" menage-a-trois with Little Debbie and Dolly Madison at last year's Christmas party have somehow surfaced on the net.

-Jason Rohrblogger

Wednesday, October 19, 2005


Top Ten Rejected California State Mottoes

10. Where liberals grow as high as an elephant's eye.

9. The Disaster State

8. Ghetto-rific!

7. The Show Me (your penis) State

6. Reagan/Nixon/Condit Country!

5. A wholly owned subsidiary of Disney Co.

4. Cripland!

3. United we stand. Divided we fall into the ocean.

2. Home of the six million dollar apartment.

And the number one rejected California State motto...

1. Mexico's largest employer!

-Jason Rohrblogger

Saturday, October 15, 2005


Note: My sister recently had a baby boy. You can check out the pictures at

Top Ten Good Things About Having Jason As Your Uncle

10. Guaranteed a legacy spot in both Skull & Bones AND Riker's Island

9. Your every moment documented and published on the web at

8. There's a really bitchin' 1991 Honda Civic waiting for you with only 1.4 million miles on it

7. Jewish/Christian hybrid religion results in Bristmas

6. "Professionals" hired to "take out" your piñata with a high powered rifle so you won't have to beat it with a stick

5. His Kool-Aid is already laced wth Ritalin

4. When Uncle Jason takes you to watch Bambi, YOU get to put the dollar in her g-string...

3. Snacktime becomes naptime with Goldfish Crackers and Goldschläger shots

2. Won't hit on your girlfriends from pre-school because they are too old for him

And the number one good thing about having Jason as your uncle...

1. Baptism involves a Jacuzzi filled with champagne

-Jason Rohrschläger

Wednesday, October 12, 2005


Top Ten Rejected Starbucks Coffee Flavors

10. Beef-flavored Half Calf

9. Pave Mint

8. Caff-Fiend

7. White Chocolate Supremacist

6. Jitter Mug

5. Java the Hutt Yodaccino Chewmocha Han So-Low Fat Vegan Latte
(Sorry--that is a rejected Star WARS coffee flavor.)

4. Juan Valdez' Donkey Squeezins

3. Beans 'N Water Overload

2. Friars Club Roast

And the number one rejected Starbucks flavor...

1. Hot Cocoa Chanel #5

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternates...

Vanilla nut sack
Chocolate Thunder Downunder
Osama bin Latté

Sunday, October 09, 2005


I know, memes are SO five minutes ago...but this is a LIST one. I got tagged by SJ over at Chronic Listaholic...

Seven things I can do:
1. Open a bottle of Viagra with one hand
2. Gain a few pounds here and there
3. Blab
4. Eat half a box of Girl Scout Cookies. Put them away. Immediately go back and get the box and eat the rest of them.
5. Violate everyone's social boundaries with really inappropriate sex stories. At work. And church. And Little League.
6. Smoke a patch
7. Name that Scotch in three gulps

Seven things I cannot do:
1. Call down the wrath of God to smite an evil city
2. Get the DA to like me for who I am
3. Like, work for The Man, man
4. Predict what that wacky Jim J. Bullock will do next!
5. Stop at 7-11 without getting a pickled wiener
6. Count to seven

Seven things that I find really attractive in the opposite sex:
1. Shallowness
2. Dishonesty
3. A nice car
4. Bad credit
5. Forgetfulness
6. Unresolved issues
7. Beautiful eyes

Seven things I say the most:
1. "Dude."
2. "Dude!"
3. "Dude?"
4. "Dude..."
5. "Dude,"
6. "Dood"
7. "S'up?"

Seven books I love:
1. The Five Jerks You Meet in Heaven
2. I'm Okay, Women Are from Venus
3. The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Addicts
4. The Da Vinci Load
5. Sassy, Single and Satisfied
6. Start Late Finish Poor
7. I'm With the Hand

Seven things I plan to do before I die:
1. Shave my back
2. Publish my memoir as a 10-year-old geisha boy in a Turkish bathhouse
3. Finally get off the junk
4. Hike to the top of Death Valley
5. Translate the Koran into Pig-Klingon
6. Break the land sleep record
7. Just up and...

Seven people I would like to see answer these questions:
1. Kirk Cameron
2. W. Axl Rose
3. Peter Pan
4. Jenna Bush
5. Me First and the Gimme Gimmes
6. Dirty Talking Girl

-Jason Rohrblogger

Friday, October 07, 2005


Top Ten Signs You Are Britney Spears' Child

10. You are two hours old and you have a seven-figure deal to write a tell-all book about your experiences in the womb...

9. You attend prehab with Francis Bean, Kal-el, and L. Ron Cruise, Jr.

8. Stretch marks on your lips

7. You are baptized in a secret Kabbalah/Pilates/Skybar ceremony with Xtina Aguilera as your god-Madonna

6. $500-a-day Prada 'R' Us habit

5. All your crying is lip-synched to an enhanced soundtrack by Ashlee Simpson's band

4. Aunt Shar fills your piñata with squibs and fake blood so Uncle Quentin can shoot the finale to your first birthday party in one take

3. Born with a back tattoo

2. Your spokesman denies you are dating Woody Allen

And the number one sign you are Britney Spears' child...

1. Oops, you did it again

-Jason Rohrblogger

Wednesday, October 05, 2005


Top Ten Name Ideas for Jenn's New Dog

10. Atomic Dog

9. Trixiebelle Babykins Sparkle Fincham

8. Snoop Puppy Pupp

7. The Amazing Wonder Pooch

6. L'il Bow Wow

5. Maurice

4. Dirk Digger

3. Prozac

2. Doggie Houser

And the number one name idea for Jenn's new dog...

1. Iggy Pup

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternates...

Truman Capuppy
Lost and Hound
Finch Fetcher
Darth Puppy

Sunday, October 02, 2005


Top Ten Rejected Super-Powers

10. Ability to inflict your enemy with nagging self-doubt

9. Can recognize artist and song within first three bars

8. Able to leap tall lattes in a single bound

7. Telepathic control of server bandwidth

6. Can withstand Kelly Ripa

5. Pseudokenesis

4. Ability to clap silently

3. Authority to sign for any package

2. Ability to replace anything with Folger's Crystals, anytime, anywhere

And the number one rejected super-power...

1. Dominion over a regiment of intrepid Gummi Bears

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternates...

Ability to get slightly fatter each year
Ability to get your first workout free
Ability to make all country music sound the same
Ability to froth milk with your earlobe
40,000 Lbs of love thrust
Knack for bribing officials
Addiction to love
Ability to rock out
Flaming air guitar
Impervious to guilt after a one-night stand
Ability to drink two liters of Coke in a single swallow
Mental capacity to remember your anniversary...and everyone else's
Perfect pitch
Uncanny ability to pitch a tent in a storm
Willingness to test God
Can control daydreams using only the power of your mind
Infrared heat-seeking gaydar with nightvision
Power to lower the Prime Interest Rate
Radioactive Genes, Nuclear Family
Able to find Jay Leno funny
Touch can cure Rockin' Pneumonia and Boogie Woogie Flu
Ability to write a Saturday Night Live sketch with a beginning, a middle, and an end
Reason to live
Ability to control your appetite for up to 8 hours
Flower Power
Power of Reason
Ability to accessorize
Reputation as a peacemaker
Susceptibility to Jedi mind tricks
Ability to speak pig-Klingon
Capacity to enjoy all-you-can-eat
Uncanny ability to get to the front of the buffet line
Power over the DMV
Ability to defeat Bill Gates
Ability to predict who will lose the lottery
Mighty Hermaphrodite
Ability to always hang a picture level and square without measuring
Dragon breath