Sunday, October 02, 2005


Top Ten Rejected Super-Powers

10. Ability to inflict your enemy with nagging self-doubt

9. Can recognize artist and song within first three bars

8. Able to leap tall lattes in a single bound

7. Telepathic control of server bandwidth

6. Can withstand Kelly Ripa

5. Pseudokenesis

4. Ability to clap silently

3. Authority to sign for any package

2. Ability to replace anything with Folger's Crystals, anytime, anywhere

And the number one rejected super-power...

1. Dominion over a regiment of intrepid Gummi Bears

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternates...

Ability to get slightly fatter each year
Ability to get your first workout free
Ability to make all country music sound the same
Ability to froth milk with your earlobe
40,000 Lbs of love thrust
Knack for bribing officials
Addiction to love
Ability to rock out
Flaming air guitar
Impervious to guilt after a one-night stand
Ability to drink two liters of Coke in a single swallow
Mental capacity to remember your anniversary...and everyone else's
Perfect pitch
Uncanny ability to pitch a tent in a storm
Willingness to test God
Can control daydreams using only the power of your mind
Infrared heat-seeking gaydar with nightvision
Power to lower the Prime Interest Rate
Radioactive Genes, Nuclear Family
Able to find Jay Leno funny
Touch can cure Rockin' Pneumonia and Boogie Woogie Flu
Ability to write a Saturday Night Live sketch with a beginning, a middle, and an end
Reason to live
Ability to control your appetite for up to 8 hours
Flower Power
Power of Reason
Ability to accessorize
Reputation as a peacemaker
Susceptibility to Jedi mind tricks
Ability to speak pig-Klingon
Capacity to enjoy all-you-can-eat
Uncanny ability to get to the front of the buffet line
Power over the DMV
Ability to defeat Bill Gates
Ability to predict who will lose the lottery
Mighty Hermaphrodite
Ability to always hang a picture level and square without measuring
Dragon breath

1 comment:

Atomic Bombshell said...

Big round o' applause... These are FANTASTIC!