Wednesday, December 30, 2009

TOP TEN LESSONS I LEARNED IN 2009

Today's premise was stolen from Brandy over at It's like, I'm...mmmagic!

Top Ten Lessons I Learned in 2009

10. Gum will not remove the taste of gasoline

9. A breathalyzer is the second worse thing that can be put in your mouth

8. Flowers will only shut a girl up if the argument is already over

7. Never give a kid a whistle and tell him not to blow it

6. Hypnosis is voluntary

5. I can make my boss cry. At work.

4. The idea of riding a Harley-Davidson is way better than the reality

3. Leather pants are a privilege, not a right

2. Folgers Crystals and tequila don't mix

And the number one lesson I learned in 2009...

1. Never, ever take a laxative and a sleeping pill on the same night

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/30/09)

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

I PREDICT THANKS FOR JACK

Future shout out to Jack over at Fat Jack's Erratic Rants for writing up my Top Ten Predictions for 2010 list and posting a link!

Jack likes the political humor, so I predict a year of federal and state-level hijinks for Jack's giggling pleasure. Palin/Johnston 2012!

-Rohrblogger

Sunday, December 27, 2009

JASON ROHBLOGGER'S TOP TEN PREDICTIONS FOR 2010

Jason Rohrblogger's Top Ten Predictions for 2010

10. Jim Bob Duggar will finally figure out how to use a condom

9. OJ Simpson will successfully break out of jail, and before being apprehended, will manage to star in another Hertz commercial

8. Jesse Jackson's love child will ghostwrite John Edwards' love child's tell-all memoir

7. Lindsey Lohan will once again become America's sweetheart with her youthful charm and childlike innocence

6. One lost weekend in Vegas, Larry King will divorce and remarry again

5. Liz Taylor will retire

4. Elin Woods will start dating Annika Sörenstam

3. Michael Jackson will be spotted alive, with his ex-father-in-law Elvis, in a Tallahassee Stuckey's

2. Sarah Palin will become the first victim of Barack Obama's first death panel

And Jason Rohrblogger's number one prediction for 2010...

1. I will finally have to stoop to writing recycled, hackneyed, pop-culture references

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/27/09)

And the alternates...

Ann Coulter will finally find Mr. Far Right

David Letterman will enter rehab for his addiction to disco biscuits

Dick Cheney will preemptively invade a 4:30 buffet

Octomom, Balloon Boy, Jon and Kate, and Spencer Pratt will entertain us with their endless talent and original material

Jesus will return

George W. Bush-era nostalgia will reign as folks remember the Good Times when you used to could mortgage your house to put gas in your Hummer. Now we are all just living in our cars.

Osama bin Laden will turn up living in a San Francisco free-love commune

Thursday, December 24, 2009

TOP TEN WAYS SANTA CLAUS IS CUTTING BACK IN THIS ECONOMY

Top Ten Ways Santa Claus is Cutting Back in this Economy

10. Purina Reindeer Chow 10% sawdustier

9. Naughty List digitized and posted on Facebook

8. Belly now shakes like a bowlful of ramen

7. Blitzen given up to Madonna for adoption

6. Valuable lump of coal replaced with Enron stock certificate

5. Reindeer/electric hybrid sleigh

4. Off-season condo in Florida timeshared with Hanukkah Harry, Ramadan Rashid, and Kwanzaa Kenny

3. All requests for specific toys outsourced to a call center in India

2. Workshop in northclosure

And the number one way Santa Claus is cutting back in this economy...

1. Only sending 30,000 more troops to Elfghanistan

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/1/09)

And the alternates...

Mrs. Claus trying to extort money from David Letterman
Had to sell his membership in The Hair Club for Men
Half of the deliveries subcontracted out to Balloon Boy
Forced to become Spokesanta for Jenny Craig
Only wrapping every other gift
Completely skipping Billy Roger's house of Colton, Ohio
Octomom only left with seven gifts

Monday, December 21, 2009

TOP TEN WORST CHRISTMAS ALBUM COVERS OF ALL TIME

Top Ten Worst Christmas Album Covers of All Time

10.



9.


8.


7.


6.


5.


4.


3.


2.


And the number one worst Christmas album cover of all time...

1.


-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/21/09)

And the alternates...






















Friday, December 18, 2009

TOP TEN REJECTED BEERS

Top Ten Rejected Beers

10. Hugh Hefeweizen

9. Dr. Bock

8. Fail Ale

7. Birth Control Pilsner

6. Malt Disney

5. Captain's Lager

4. Coal Porter

3. Sour Kraut Stout

2. Margaret Mead

And the number one rejected beer...

1. Beers for Fears

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/18/09)

And the alternates...

Barley-Davidson
Yeast Injection
David Hasselhops

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

TOP TEN TASTELESS TIGER WOODS JOKES

Top Ten Tasteless Tiger Woods Jokes

10. Q: What is Tiger's favorite Christmas Carol?
A: I'm Dreaming of a White Mistress

9. Tiger may be a playboy, but his wife was out clubbing on Thanksgiving

8. Why did Tiger decide to redo Elin's prenuptial agreement? She told him about her new recipe for Swedish meatballs.

8. Did you hear Tiger changed his name to Lion Cheetah?

7. The police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him. "I can't remember," Elin said, "just put me down for a five."

6. What's the difference between a Cadillac and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a golf ball four-hundred yards.

5. What does Tiger Woods have in common with a baby seal? They've both been clubbed by a Swede.

4. Tiger has a new movie coming out. It's called "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant."

3. Did you hear Nike's new motto? Just do me.

2. Tiger's other women aren't mistresses. They're provisionals.

And the number one tasteless Tiger Woods joke...

1. Tiger Woods won't be playing any more tournaments this year. However, I'm sure he will get in some holes here and there.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/14/09)

And the alternates...

What's the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods? Santa always stops after three hos

Tiger drives an Escalade, so couldn't he blame the accident on his Caddy?

Elin asked her marriage counselor why, next time, she should go after Tiger with a nine-iron instead of the three-iron she used the morning after Thanksgiving?
The counselor advised, "Because, now you're closer to the green.

Tiger crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron. Should have used a driver, though.

Gatorade dropped their Tiger Woods sports drink. Because it would be rude to ask, "Is it in you?"

What's the difference between Tiger's pal Rachel Uchitel and Mr. Ed?
Mr. Ed's hair was naturally blond, and he could talk.

Tiger woods drives very well on the fairway but doesn't fare very well on the driveway.

Q: What course gives Tiger the most trouble?
A: Intercourse.

Q. What kind of club did Elin swing at Tiger?
A. Looks like it was a bitching wedge.

Someone should explain to Tiger's wife that hitting a driver meant the club, not the guy in the front seat. Imagine what will happen the next time he asks his wife to do some ironing.

When asked when he would be doing Oprah, Tiger stated, "She's not my type."

Tiger can't seem to control his wood.

Tiger Woods has decided to take a break from golf, to concentrate on his first love: adultery.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

TOP TEN TINKERBELL PET PEEVES

Top Ten Tinkerbell Pet Peeves

10. That bitch, Wendy

9. Captain Hook has a thing for young boys and never notices when you get a new haircut

8. Heiresses who name their Chihuahuas after you

7. Disney lawyers crawl all over you if you even think of doing regional theater in the off-season

6. No decent Thai food in Never Never Land

5. Lost Boys with slingshots

4. Carpal wand

3. Smee's wandering hands

2. Mosquito nets

And the number one Tinkerbell pet peeve...

1. Pixie lung from breathing all of that pixie dust

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/12/09)

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

ADULT MOVIE OR PRINCE SONG?

Adult Movie or Prince Song?

10. "Dirty Mind"

9. "Cream"

8. "Do Me Baby"

7. "Gett Off"

6. "Soft and Wet"

5. "Head"

4. "I Wanna Be Your Lover"

3. "Nasty Girl"

2. "Insatiable"

And the number one adult movie or Prince song...

1. "The Greatest Romance Ever Sold"

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/9/09)

And the alternates...

"Orgasm"
"Sexy M.F."
"I'm Yours"
"Nothing Compares 2 U"
"My Love Is Forever"
"The Most Beautiful Girl In The World"
"I'm Yours"
"In Love"
"Kiss"
"Adore"

*They are all Prince songs...

Saturday, December 05, 2009

PROUST QUESTIONNAIRE

I originally got this post from Dave over at Blogography who got it from Finn over at A Life Less Ordinary who got it from Vanity Fair. I am going to answer the original Vanity Fair questions because I'm so vain, I probably think this fair is about me...

Proust Questionnaire

What is your most marked characteristic?
My dragon tattoo with the head of Roger Ebert and the body of J-Lo

What is the quality you most like in a man?
The body of J-Lo

What is the quality you most like in a woman?
The head of Roger Ebert

What do you most value in your friends?
Lending money

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Sometimes my sexiness is so extreme, it causes the earth to spin backwards

What is your favorite occupation?
Assistant Ponzi schemer

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
A loaf of bread, a jug of wine, and internet access

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Abu Grhantánamo Bay

In which country would you like to live?
Nigeria. All of their banks need my help.

Who are your favorite writers?
Jenn, Heather, Jack, Bombshell, Carrie, and David

Who are your favorite poets?
Lim Erick. And that guy from Nantucket is talented!

Who is your favorite hero of fiction?
Jay Gatz

Who is your favorite heroine of fiction?
Debbie from Dallas

Who are your favorite composers?
Hendrix, Zeppelin, Crüe

Who are your favorite painters?
Baer, Safecoat, Sherwin-Williams

What are your favorite names?
Jason, Astrid, Aloysius, Rumer, Apple, Spandau

What is it that you most dislike?
Honesty, competence, beauty

Which talent would you most like to have?
Ability to lick my own eyebrows

How would you like to die?
In an alcoholic stupor smothered under Jennifer Aniston's poodle and a thirty-pound bacon double cheeseburger (extra pickles)

What is your current state of mind?
Fuzzy. What's your point?

What is your motto?
No army has ever won a war on two fronts in Asia, so don't even try

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/5/09)

Monday, November 30, 2009

JASON MAKES MCSWEENEY'S AGAIN!

Jason Gets Republished in McSweeney's!

I submitted my Top Ten Topics of Conversation at My Cousin's House on Any Given Holiday list to McSweeney's and they originally published it back in March of 2007.

They just published it again as part of their Cornucopia of Thanksgiving Lists!

All hail McSweeney's and their awesome double publishing of my dysfunctional humor!

-Rohrblogger
(11/30/09)

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

TOP TEN THINGS FOR WHICH I AM THANKFUL

Top Ten Things for Which I am Thankful

10. Exculpatory evidence

9. Quicklime

8. Teh internets

7. Bulletproof underwear

6. The firms of Beam, Daniels, and Cuervo

5. Turkey (the animal, the lunch meat, and the country)

4. Freedom

3. The amazingly good-looking readers of my blog

2. Folger's Crystals

And the number one thing for which I am thankful...

1. Boobs

-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/24/09)

*One of the spell check suggestions for Cuervo is "fervor." Say "fervor for Cuervo" three times fast...

Saturday, November 21, 2009

FOUND PORN




The Twirl This post over at Awful Library Books is full-on X-rated without even trying to be. I'm just saying author Constance Atwater knows what she's doing.

"A backward wrist motion rolls the shaft between the thumb and the first finger. Tip points to the right, ball to the left.... The shaft is released from the thumb and first finger."

I'm talking about baton twirling. I don't know what you were thinking...

-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/21/09)

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

TOP TEN CONTRACT RIDERS FOR JRTT

Top Ten Contract Riders for Jason Rohrblogger's Top Ten

10. A copy of the Mona Lisa must be visible at all times from the window of my dressing room or Jason Rohrblogger will not perform

9. All concert personnel must be vaccinated for rabies, distemper, and heartworm

8. Mr. Rohrblogger is to be picked up at the airport in a 1915 Stutz Bearcat and driven to the nearest Taco Bell

7. Dressing room to be stocked with condoms (extra large), popcorn butter, Zovirax, and Depens

6. One centaur, male

5. A library stocked with Judy Blume novels

4. A personal trainer be available on demand for Mr. Rohrblogger's shellfish

3. Identical twin Swedish blackjack dealers fluent in Mandarin and Portuguese

2. No one is to reference Folger's Crystals or acknowledge its existence in the presence of Mr. Rohrblogger

And the number one contract rider for Jason Rohrblogger's Top Ten...

1. Don't get Mr. Rohrblogger happy. You wouldn't like him when he's happy

-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/18/09)

And the alternates...

Massage-trained goats
Two kegs light beer with red cups
One monkey-themed banana bong
One carton Kool Extra-Heavy
DVD box set of The Brady Bunch
Loaded baked potato-flavored Pop Tarts

Sunday, November 15, 2009

ROCKING MY WORLD(S)

This video came out last week and I cannot get enough of it. Every time I watch it, there is another layered inside joke I missed before. Amazing work, BentTV!

ALL NEW! Star Wars Gangsta Rap: Chronicles


-Rohrblogger

Friday, November 13, 2009

CNN AND THE TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE, NO GOOD, VERY BAD ANCHOR

Lou Dobbs quit CNN! I'm all for free speech. And when your speech is against an entire class of people (i.e. immigrants) then that free speech belongs in only two places: talk radio, and/or the internet with the rest of the crazies.

CNN is for news and editorial opinion that involves policies not people. Love the immigrant, hate the poverty. Love the terrorist, hate the terror. Love the anchor, hate the show.

That's why I'm glad to see it go...

-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/12/09)

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

TOP TEN NEW GOLF TERMS

Today's post was stolen from here and here and here.

Top Ten New Golf Terms

10. A "Rock Hudson" - a putt that looked straight, but wasn't

9. A "Saddam Hussein" - from one bunker into another

8. A "Yasser Arafat" - butt ugly and in the sand

7. A "John Kennedy Jr." - didn't quite make it over the water

6. A "Rodney King" - over-clubbed

5. An "O.J." - got away with one

4. A "Princess Grace" - should have used a driver

3. A "Princess Di" - should not have used the driver

2. A "Ted Kennedy" - goes in the water and jumps out

And the number one new golf term...

1. A "Jason Rohrblogger" - too drunk to play the back nine

-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/10/09)

And the alternates...

A "Condom" - safe, but didn't feel very good
A "Brazilian" - shaved the hole
A "Rush Limbaugh" - a bit too far to the right
A "Nancy Pelosi" - way to the left and out of bounds
A "James Joyce" - a putt that's impossible to read
A "Pee Wee Herman" - too much wrist
A "Sonny Bono" - straight into the trees
A "Paris Hilton" - a very expensive hole
A "RuPaul" - can't find your last two balls

Monday, November 02, 2009

THE MEME ON THE BLOG GOES ROUND AND ROUND

I originally got this meme from Heather over at Yummy Sushi Pajamas.

I posted my original response here.

If you want to play, reply to this meme by yelling Words! in the comments, and I will give you five words that remind me of you. Then post them on your blog and explain what they mean to you.

Atomic Bombshell tagged herself at my original post and I sent her words. Then I tagged myself again at her blog, Tricycle.

My words from Ms. Bombshell...

5. Hilarious - Recycled dick jokes, stolen premises, and lousy puns, is there anything better?

4. Creative - I like to think my creativity is up to the high standards of the internet.

3. Intelligent - Who is smarter: the woman who writes the meme, or the man who tags himself to get memed?

2. Thoughtful - Oh, I'm full of thoughts. Some of them are even appropriate.

And my number one word...

1. Loving - Like Dionne Warwick says, self-love is the greatest love of all...

-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/2/09)

Friday, October 30, 2009

TOP TEN CAPTAINS

Top Ten Captains

10. Cap'n Crunch

9. Captain Kangaroo

8. Captain Stubing

7. Captain Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger

6. Captain & Tennille

5. Captain Caveman

4. Captain of Her Heart

3. Captain Kirk

2. Captain America

And the number one captain...

1. Captain Morgan

-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/30/09)

And the alternates...

Captain Ahab
Captain Hawkeye Pierce
Captain Hook
Captain Nemo
Captain Han Solo
Captain Kidd
Captain Jack Sparrow
Captain Obvious
Captain Underpants
Captain Jonas Grumby

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

TOP TEN BEST HALLOWEEN SONGS

Top Ten Best Halloween Songs

10. "Welcome to My Nightmare" -Alice Cooper

"We sweat, laugh, and scream here,
'Cause life is just a dream here"

9. "(Don't Fear) the Reaper" -Blue Öyster Cult
"Seasons don't fear The Reaper
Nor do the wind, the sun, and the rain"

8. "Cry Little Sister" -Gerard McMann
"Blind boys don't lie"

7. "Dead Man's Party" -Oingo Boingo
"Everybody's comin', leave your body at the door"

6. "Ghostbusters" -Ray Parker, Jr.
"If there's something weird and it don't look good,
Who ya gonna call? Ghostbusters!"

5. "Monster Mash" -Bobby "Boris" Pickett
"For my monster from his slab began to rise
And suddenly to my surprise, he did the mash"

4. "Time Warp" -Richard O'Brien
"With your hands on your hips, you bring your knees in tight
But it's the pelvic thrust that really drives you insane,
Let's do the Time Warp again!"

3. "Werewolves of London" -Warren Zevon
"I saw a werewolf drinking a piña colada at Trader Vic's
His hair was perfect"

2. "Highway to Hell" -AC/DC
"Going down, party time
My friends are gonna be there, too"

And the number one Halloween song...

1. "Thriller" -Michael Jackson
"You feel the cold hand and wonder if you'll ever see the sun
You close your eyes and hope that this is just imagination, girl!"

-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/27/09)

And the alternates...

"Psycho Killer" -Talking Heads
"We are vain and we are blind
I hate people when they're not polite"

"Nightmare on My Street" -DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince
"He comes to me at night after I crawl into bed
He's burnt up like a weenie and his name is Fred"

"The Toccata and Fugue in D minor" -Johann Sebastian Bach
"Da dah dah, Dah da dah dah DAH dah"

Monday, October 26, 2009

MUSING WITH MS. CLARK

Tip o' the blog to Darby Clark over at Muse With Me for writing a Rohrblogger-inspired Top Ten post and linking back to me!

Check out Darby's hilarity for yourself. Ms. Clark if you're nasty.

Thanks for the blog love, Ms. Clark...

-Rohrblogger

Saturday, October 24, 2009

TOP TEN REJECTED ENERGY DRINK FLAVORS

Top Ten Rejected Energy Drink Flavors

10. Shockolate

9. Blue Bulls

8. Carpé Cream

7. Manana

6. Steak & Onion

5. FD&C Yellow No. 5

4. Electric Hammer

3. Ricin

2. Horehound

And the number one rejected energy drink flavor...

1. Gentle Sea Breeze

-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/24/09)

And the alternates...

Bladdershock
Eggnog
Menthol Ultra Light 100s
Chunky Vinegar & Oil
Key Lime Kidney Failure
X-treme Hollandaise
Corn Squeezins
Pistachio
Urea

Thursday, October 22, 2009

JACK FINDS THE TENTH CIRCLE

Halloween treats to Jack over at Fat Jack's Erratic Rants for linking to my Satan list.

I've been blogging from Hell for years. By the way, Pol Pot says hi!

Thanks for the Devilink, Jack...

-Rohrblogger

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

TOP TEN WAYS SATAN IS CUTTING BACK THIS HALLOWEEN

Top Ten Ways Satan is Cutting Back this Halloween

10. Purgatory closed, all sinners sent to Abu Ghraib

9. Only putting razor blades in every other apple

8. Backmasking on Beatles albums now suggest you drink Pepsi

7. Church of Satan will no longer accept tithe in goats

6. Salem witch rituals outsourced to China

5. Pitchfork downgraded to salad fork

4. Only sponsoring three bands at Ozzfest this year

3. Sell two souls for eternity and the third one is free

2. Fine chicken blood normally sprinkled replaced with Folger's Crystals

And the number one way Satan is cutting back this Halloween...

1. Thinking about moving back in with Yahweh

-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/20/09)

And the alternates...

Not going down to Georgia
Hooves 10% less cloven
Road to Hell paved with mediocre intentions
Handbasket will not depart until full

Saturday, October 17, 2009

ALL APOLOGIES

Contrite shout out to Jack over at Fat Jack's Erratic Rants for linking to my Top Ten Apologies list.

I regret any remorse that my sorrow may have caused. Please forgive my apology.

It's all my fault. Well, me and the government, television, banking laws, politics, and lawyers...

-Rohrblogger

Friday, October 16, 2009

TOP TEN SUMO DIET TIPS

Top Ten Sumo Diet Tips

10. Lettuce is for the weak

9. Avoid portions smaller than a hog

8. Octopus slurry will stretch a milkshake

7. Wrestler who cannot defeat buffet, cannot defeat adversary

6. At Taco Bell thirteen items is a snack, twenty-six items is a meal

5. Kobe Bryant is not a type of beef

4. Preempt hunger with a meal between breakfast and brunch

3. Japanese-accented Fat Bastard impressions are beyond funny

2. The food pyramid makes a great appetizer

And the number one sumo diet tip...

1. After you have vanquished your opponent, it is honorable to finish his sandwich

-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/16/09)

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

TOP TEN JASON APOLOGIES

Top Ten Jason Apologies

10. I would like to apologize to all the farm animals I slept with who work for me on this blog

9. I regret taking steroids while I wrote my lists

8. I'm especially contrite over all the lame jokes I've made at the expense of Sarah Palin

7. My behavoir has hurt the real humor writers on the internet, and for that I am remorseful

6. I'm sorry for bringing sexy back

5. I owe Sir Mix-a-lot several apologies

4. I'm sorry my actions have been perceived by others to be egregious. I'm not sorry for my actions, just the perception that they were bad

3. I regret my misplaced unresolved anger towards Belgium

2. I replaced the fine apology normally served with Folger's Crystals to see if anyone notices. I regret the error

And the number one Jason apology...

1. Please forgive my complete lack of humor, originality, or ethics. My behavoir is a result of society, my upbringing, excessive alcohol, poor hygiene, drugs, American culture, the language barrier, and Sarah Palin

-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/13/09)

Thursday, October 08, 2009

TOP TEN REJECTED KNITTING VIDEOS

Top Ten Rejected Knitting Videos

10. Baby Got Box Stitch

9. Two Girls One Quilt

8. The Needle and the Knife

7. Extreme Altitude Knitting

6. Twelve-gauge Swatch of Death

5. Knots in Space

4. Deep Penetration Knitting

3. Loops

2. Titan-knit

And the number one rejected kitting video...

1. Joanie Loves Knotsie

-Jason Rohblogger
(10/8/09)

Monday, October 05, 2009

JASON'S TOP TEN KITCHEN TIPS

Jason's Top Ten Kitchen Tips

10. Veggie burgers aren't bad if you put enough bacon on them

9. Red wine goes well with white wine

7. Black Eyed Peas make a great opening for Meatloaf followed by Cake

6. Kiss the cook, or barring that, bring chocolate

5. Conserve water by drinking vodka

4. Frosting helps the rice cake go down

3. It's not every woman will get up and make a man biscuits and gravy

2. Unfortunately, while barbecuing, you have to wear more than just an apron

And Jason's number one kitchen tip...

1. Don't pour hot grits down your pants

-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/5/09)

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

TOP TEN ITEMS IN JASON'S SURVIVAL KIT

Top Ten Items in Jason's Survival Kit

10. A bible

9. A gun

8. A hollowed-out bible with a gun in it

7. Emergency banana

6. Three-days supply of water

5. Year's supply of Viagra

4. Extra SPAM, backup can of Vienna sausages

3. DVD of "The Negotiator"

2. Belgian-to-English dictionary

And the number one item in Jason's survival kit...

1. Midol

-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/20/07)

And the alternates...

Phonetic alphabet
Extra lottery tickets
L.L. Bean catalog
List of nearest relatives not living with him
Hidden cache of 80's porn
Prescription for Proactiv
Surplus semaphore flags
Military-grade tuxedo, corsage, and Camaro
Norse code
Mother's recipe for kicking ass and taking names
Cyanide capsule and bottle of '53 Dom Pérignon

Sunday, September 27, 2009

TOP TEN REJECTED SODA FLAVORS

Top Ten Rejected Soda Flavors

10. Coke Heavy

9. Pepsi Max Headroom

8. Sierra Mr. Mister

7. Dr. Salt

6. Chemical Syrup

5. Goatse with Lime

4. Sour Crush and Onion

3. Gumbo

2. Coca-Cogurt

And the number one rejected soda flavor...

1. Welch's Date Grape

-Jason Rohrblogger
(9/27/09)

And the alternates...

7-UP H20
T&A&W Boot Rear
Two Girls One Crush
Coke Zero Point One
Mountain Bleu Cheese

Thursday, September 24, 2009

POSTER PLACEMENT FAIL



Why would ordering breakfast free Mr. Simpson?

-Jason Rohrblogger
(9/24/09)

Monday, September 21, 2009

TOP TEN REJECTED OCD BEHAVIORS

Top Ten Rejected Obsessive Compulsive Disorder Behaviors

10. Eat the whole bag of Oreos. Three times.

9. Beat every yellow light

8. Count your blessings

7. Rent Bad Boys II each time

6. Say four Our Fathers and four Hail Marys

5. Get in the ten-items-or-less line with nine items

4. Watch Oprah

3. Run exactly five minutes late

2. Always double down on eleven

And the number one rejected OCD behavior...

1. Write all of your blog posts with precisely ten items

-Jason Rohrblogger
(9/16/09)

Friday, September 18, 2009

TOP TEN SURPRISES IN THE NEW HEALTH CARE BILL

Top Ten Surprises in the New Health Care Bill

10. Third bypass is free

9. Death Panels will meet on Thursdays at midnight during a full moon

8. Only drugs covered are the pills you can pry from Rush Limbaugh's cold, dead fingers

7. Mammogram sponsored by Victoria's Secret

6. $25,000 hammer? $40,000 toilet seat? Say hello to the $50,000 lolly pop.

5. All second opinions by Dr. Laura

4. Tongue depressors taste suspiciously like Popsicle

3. Before you light a cigarette, Dick Cheney will preemptively invade your lungs

2. Prostate exam is five bucks, same as downtown

And the number one surprise in the new health care bill...

1. Nursing homes now feature all-you-can eat Jell-O

-Jason Rohrblogger
(9/18/09)

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

TOP TEN REJECTED MOVIE PREQUELS

Top Ten Rejected Movie Prequels

10. Ten Leagues Under the Sea

9. The Cook, The Thief, His Girlfriend and her Acquaintance

8. The Mediocre News Bears

7. Apollo 12

6. Getting There

5. Debbie Does Lubbock

4. The Cider House Suggestions

3. The City According to Garp

2. Immigrant Kane

And the number one rejected movie prequel...

1. Two Men and a Zygote

-Jason Rohrblogger
(9/15/09)

And the alternates...

Disagreement Club
11 Angry Men
The Chatter of the Lambs
6ix
American History W
To Threaten a Mockingbird
A Few Things About Eve
Chanting in the Rain
Nobody Likes it Hot
The Okay Escape
The Green Yard
Near the Waterfront
No County for Old Men
Luke Warm Hand Luke
(499) Days of Summer
The Muggle of Oz
Hurt Bill
The Fifth Sense
There May Be Blood
Thousand Dollar Baby
The Mild Bunch
11 Monkeys

Saturday, September 12, 2009

TOP TEN THINGS THAT ARE SUPPOSED TO FEEL GOOD (BUT DON'T)

Top Ten Things that Are Supposed to Feel Good (but Don't)

10. Yoga

9. Thanksgiving dinner

8. Psychotherapy

7. Deep tissue massage

6. Running

5. Hammocks

4. Gambling

3. Fake breasts

2. Meditation

And the number one thing that is supposed to feel good (but doesn't)...

1. Giving money to a homeless person

-Jason Rohrblogger
(9/12/09)

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

BIBLE RANT

Dear Preachy Neighbor,

In what has to be the most popular verse of the New Testament, John 3:16, all you have to do to receive salvation is believe in Jesus:


"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life."


That's it. That ALL you have to do: "Believeth in Him." Notice what that verse DOESN'T say. I doesn't say you have to read the Bible, it doesn't say you have to go to church, or tithe, or listen to Amy Grant. Also, you don't have to KNOW anything special: no secret handshake, no language like Aramaic, you don't even have to know the bible verse John 3:16.

In fact, when Jesus is on the cross in Luke 23:39-43 one of the thieves being crucified with Him asks Jesus to remember him in Heaven. Okay, according to the rules (and Jesus), that thief is saved. Notice that the thief has not read the Bible. He has not read the New Testament because it does not even exist yet. The first Gospel won't be written for another 60-90 years. But he is going to Heaven. (Side note for judgmental ignoramuses: If Bernie Madoff, the biggest thief in history, accepts Jesus as his personal Lord and Savior, he gets to go to Heaven. Seriously. Please also note that he does not go to church.)

So, I said all of that to say this: it's one thing to go around telling people they need to believe in Jesus. That's what you are supposed to do for salvation. It's ANOTHER THING to go around telling people they need to "live life by the Bible" and/or go to church.

My general point is this: if you want to go around telling people that they "need" or "should" read the Bible or live their life by the what the Bible says, then YOU NEED TO HAVE READ IT YOURSELF. My specific point is this: you not only need to have read it, you need to have a basic understanding of WHAT YOU HAVE READ.

Do you even know the difference between the Synoptic Gospels and John? Do you know the difference between a Gospel and an epistle? Are you aware that Paul is an apostle, but not a disciple of Jesus? That's right: Paul never met Jesus. Look it up. Paul, who was converted to Christianity AFTER Jesus ascended to Heaven suggests you should go to church, but NOT FOR SALVATION. The Gospel of John, who has actually met Jesus, says you just have to believe in Him. I'm gonna go with the Gospel on this one, 'kay?

Also, contrary to what Mel Gibson told you, the Jews didn't kill Jesus. That's right, I said it. The ROMANS killed Jesus. I'll pause while that sinks through your skinhead...

King Herod was Jewish, go on look it up. But King Herod didn't preside over Jesus' trial. That would be Pontius Pilate who is Roman. The Sanhedrin (look it up) WANTED Jesus dead, so Pontius Pilate "washed his hands" of the whole thing and turned Jesus over to the soldiers who are...CENTURION GUARDS. Note for you non-history majors: Centurions are Roman, not Jewish. And crucifixion is a ROMAN practice. Jews executed people by stoning. Did I just blow your mind? All I did was read the Bible you are thumping.

But here's the thing: even if the Jews had killed Jesus (News flash!) Jesus is also Jewish! Hating all Jews for killing Jesus would be like hating all white people for shooting President Lincoln, or hating all black people for assassinating Malcolm X. Jesus was a product of their own culture, and not living the way they liked. Fortunately, Jesus followed John 3:16 and eventually went directly to Heaven, do not pass Go, do not collect $200.

Speaking of collecting $200, I'll pay you a widow's mite for every Gospel you read correctly, you stillborn child of God.

Okay, I feel better now...

-Jason Rohrblogger
(9/9/09)

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

ZAP! POW! JACK!

Shout out to Jack over at Fat Jack's Erratic Rants for linking to my Top Ten Changes now that Disney has Purchased Marvel Comics list.

I'm just hoping Disney will buy my "Amazing Adventures of Rohrblogger" which mostly involves timely applications of bourbon in a crisis. I must use my powers only for good.

Thanks for the uncanny link, Jack!

-Rohrblogger

Sunday, September 06, 2009

TOP TEN CHANGES NOW THAT DISNEY HAS PURCHASED MARVEL COMICS

Top Ten Changes now that Disney has Purchased Marvel Comics

10. Peter Pan and Captain Hook join Batman and Robin for NAMBLA's "movie of the year"

9. The Evil Queen poisons Snow White with a radioactive spider

8. Punisher awakens Sleeping Beauty with a thousand-rounds-per-minute of percussion cap awesomeness

7. The Muppets take Dr. Manhattan

6. Captain Jack Sparrow and Captain America team up to rid the Caribbean of its dangerous surplus of rum

5. Don't get Cinderella angry. You wouldn't like her when she's angry...

4. X-Men vs Aristocats to the death

3. Marry Poppins gives Human Torch a good cleaning

2. Alice in Wolverine

And the number one change now that Disney has purchased Marvel Comics...

1. With great power comes great responsibility...to co-opt every last franchise of America's emotional youth and bundle it into one revenue stream for the shareholders

-Jason Rohrblogger
(9/5/09)

And the alternates...

Princess Python meets Thumper
Storm McDuck
Pocahontgoblin
Cruella De Vulture
Roger Invisible Rabbit
Silver Simba
Captain Wall-EO
Ariel douses Pyro
Zorro can no longer sue Batman for infringement

Thursday, September 03, 2009

I LOVE ME SOME MEME

Reply to this meme by yelling Words! in the comments, and I will give you five words that remind me of you. Then post them on your blog and explain what they mean to you.

My words from Heather...

5. Ten - I read somewhere that the internet is just "a bunch of stupid videos and top ten lists." I love that internet content is base ten because the binary ones and zeros digital coding consists of would only tolerate a top two list. And how much fun is that?

4. Humor - Dick jokes, stolen premises, and lousy puns, is there anything better?

3. Family - Yes. I am pro-family.

2. Faith - Really? This word reminds you of me?

And my number one word...

1. Chicken - Mmm, whether soup, fricassée, McNugget, or pot pie who doesn't love a paltry poultry? God bless Colonel Sanders and his breaded, deep fried, faux-military rotisserie of avian goodness. If America can't suck on the drumstick of decadence, then the terrorists have won. Pass the gravy...

-Jason Rohrblogger
(9/2/09)

Monday, August 31, 2009

TOP TEN PEOPLE AT THE BAR

Top Ten People at the Bar

10. The underage girl

9. The old drunk

8. The guy who just came from work

7. The harried bartender

6. The flirty waitress

5. The puker

4. The loud storyteller

3. The fighting couple

2. The sports nut

And the number one person at the bar...

1. The napkin list-writer

-Jason Rohrblogger
(8/31/09)

Sunday, August 16, 2009

TOP TEN WORST COLLEGE TEAM NAMES EVER

Top Ten Worst College Team Names Ever

10. UC Santa Cruz Banana Slugs

9. University of Hawaii Rainbow Warriors

8. NYU Violets

7. MIT Engineers

6. Pace University Setters

5. St. Louis College of Pharmacy Eutectics

4. Long Beach State Dirtbags

3. Grays Harbor College Chokers

2. The University of Evansville Purple Aces

And the number one worst college team name ever...

1. Evergreen State College Geoducks

-Jason Rohrblogger
(8/16/09)

Thursday, August 13, 2009

TOP TEN BEST OPENING LYRICS EVER

Top Ten Best Opening Lyrics Ever

10. "Warden threw a party in the county jail"
-Elvis Presley "Jailhouse Rock"

9. "On a dark desert highway, cool wind in my hair"
-Eagles "Hotel California"

8. "Sittin' in the morning sun, I'll be sittin' when the evening comes"
-Otis Redding "(Sittin' on) The Dock of the Bay"

7. "You shake my nerves and you rattle my brain"
-Jerry Lee Lewis "Great Balls of Fire"

6. "Just take those old records off the shelf"
-Bob Seger "Old Time Rock 'n' Roll"

5. "I guess I shoulda known by the way you parked your car sideways that it wouldn't last"
-Prince "Little Red Corvette"

4. "Jeremiah was a bullfrog!"
-Three Dog Night "Joy to the World"

3. "Gold coast slave ship bound for cotton fields, sold in a market down in New Orleans"
-Rolling Stones "Brown Sugar"

2. "Welcome to the jungle, we got fun 'n' games"
-Guns n' Roses "Welcome to the Jungle"

And the number one best opening lyric of all time...

1. "I like big butts and I cannot lie"
-Sir Mix-A-Lot "Baby Got Back"

-Jason Rohrblogger
(08/30/07)

And the alternates...

"Load up on guns, bring your friends"
-Nirvana "Smells Like Teen Spirit"

"One pill makes you larger, and one pill makes you small"
-Jefferson Airplane "White Rabbit"

"There's a lady who's sure all that glitters is gold"
-Led Zeppelin "Stairway to Heaven"

"If I leave here tomorrow, would you still remember me?"
-Lynryd Skynyrd "Free Bird"

"You know the day destroys the night, night divides the day"
-The Doors "Break on Through"

"When the sun comes up on a sleepy little town down around San Antone"
-Doobie Brothers "China Grove"

"I see trees of green, red roses too"
-Louis Armstrong "What a Wonderful World"

"She's a good girl, loves her mama, loves Jesus and America, too"
-Tom Petty "Free Fallin'"

"Busted flat in Baton Rouge, waiting for a train and I was feeling nearly as faded as my jeans"
-Janice Joplin "Me and Bobby McGee"

"Ground control to Major Tom"
-David Bowie "Major Tom"

Monday, August 10, 2009

TOP TEN PORNOGRAPHIC IMAGES FOR WOMEN

Top Ten Pornographic Images for Women

10.


9.

I don't have to have a reason to bring you flowers.

8.

Is that the baby? I'll get her.

7.

Ooh, look, the NFL playoffs are today. I'll bet we'll have no trouble parking at the crafts fair.

6.

I don't want anyone "falling in" in the middle of the night.

5.

I know. Let's take you shoe shopping!

4.

As long as I have legs to walk on, you'll never have to take out the garbage.

3.

I made some Niman Ranch lamb tenderloin with garlic, back pepper, and Indonesian soy sauce for dinner. I hope that sounds OK.

2.

I like to get these things before I have to be asked.

And the number one pornographic image for women...

1.

Hold that thought a second. I want to pull over and ask for directions.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(08/21/07)

Friday, August 07, 2009

TOP TEN TARA REID TURN-ONS

Top Ten Tara Reid Turn-ons

10. Halter tops that don't halt

9. Everclear: the substance and the band

8. The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe Malfunction

7. Sororities that allow adult non-students to rush

6. Paris and Nicoleftovers

5. Keg stands

4. Team at MIT developing theoretical structural formula for the ten-gallon Jell-O shot

3. FBLA: Future Bag Ladies of America

2. All-you-can-snort Buffet

And the number one Tara Reid turn-on...

1. Handcuffs, a baton, and pepper spray

-Jason Rohrblogger
(07/07/06)

Tuesday, August 04, 2009

TOP TEN PILGRIM MYTHS

I read Mayflower by Nathaniel Philbrick and was blown away by how much I didn't know about the Pilgrims. Herewith are my...

Top Ten Pilgrim Myths

10. Myth: The Pilgrims were Puritans
----Nope: The Puritans were a completely different religion than the Pilgrims

Back in Jolly Old England, it was illegal to practice any religion except the Protestant version of Christianity run by the Church of England. The Puritans were a very conservative offshoot of the Church of England. While Puritans weren't well-liked by mainstream Anglicans, they were not illegal because they still belonged to the Church of England. The Pilgrims rejected the Church of England altogether as too corrupt and decadent. (You know your religion is hardcore when you think Puritans are too decadent.) The Pilgrims even went so far as to call their religious group the Separatist Movement. Nothing caused the English government to fire up the stakes faster than a separatist movement. Since the Pilgrim Separatists were land-owning farmers they had a choice: they could stay and suffer persecution, or they could give up their homesteads and get out of Dodge. Half of them stayed in Britain, and half got on a ship and went to...Holland.

9. Myth: The Pilgrims were missionaries
---Nope: The Pilgrims believed in freedom of religion

That's right. They were the opposite of missionaries. During their time in Holland, they learned about the Dutch practice of separation of Church and State. They kept their religion to themselves and believed the Indians should also worship any way they liked. They complained loudly to the Puritans in America who were converting the Indians to Christianity. Mostly because along with Christianity, they were selling guns and alcohol to the Natives as well.

8. Myth: They originally landed on Plymouth Rock
---Nope: They originally landed on Cape Cod

The Pilgrims were aiming for the Hudson River and missed by a few degrees north and landed in Cape Cod. They could have continued north and founded the city of Boston, but it was winter and they wanted to just get off their ship. They sailed around Cape Cod and landed several times until finally unloading at Plymouth. Plymouth was a backwater then, just like it is now. The water supply is brackish and the soil is so poor that the Indians had to fertilize their crops with dead fish to get them to grow. That's why there were no Indians living there when the Pilgrims landed.

7. Myth: The Pilgrims "founded America"
---Nope: They only founded Plymouth Colony

Jamestown had been established twenty years before, the Dutch Colony of New Amsterdam on Manhattan Island was doing brisk business, and two years later the Puritans founded Boston leading directly to America, the Red Sox, and Tea Parties. Not necessarily in that order.

6. Myth: The Pilgrims were teetotalers
---Nope: They drank copious amounts of alcohol

Booze-soaked fraternities have nothing on the Pilgrims. Waterborne disease was such a problem that the Pilgrims drank beer with every meal. Even breakfast. And they also sucked down a homebrew hooch called aqua vita which was basically raw sour-mash moonshine cooked up in a backwoods still. The Indians had been trading with white men on ships before, so the first thing they asked the Pilgrims for was...guns and alcohol. And there's really nothing more American than that. While revisionist heshers would have you believe that the Pilgrims were a bunch of hemp-growing patriots, the first European crop they planted was wheat and potatoes. Not. It was hops, then barley. Clearly the 17th century was Miller time.

5. Myth: The Pilgrims starved because they had no food
---Nope: They were living on an all-you-can eat seafood buffet

Shortly after they landed, and the Mayflower departed for England, the Pilgrims mostly died during the winter they came to call "the Starving Time." Thing is, they were living a few yards from Cape Cod, one of the richest fisheries in the world (same as it is today). They could have feasted on King Crab, lobsters, Bluefin Tuna, oysters, Atlantic Cod, and Bay Scallops if they only knew how to fish. But they were farmers. (At one point a Pilgrim spots a Baleen Whale and states he would have dinner if he only had a harpoon.) And while the Indians knew how to fish, they considered fishing a summertime activity and preferred to live off of their stores of corn in the winter. It would be a full generation before the Pilgrims figured out how to regularly put calamari on the menu.

4. Myth: Miles Standish was the leader of the Pilgrims
---Nope: He was their Dick Cheney

Miles Standish was not the governor of Plymouth Colony, he was the military commander. The governor was John Carver who promptly died and then passed it to William Bradford. Miles Standish would have killed all the Indians he didn't like if civilian leaders like Governor Bradford hadn't reined him in. Due to William Bradford's political skill, there was peace and much trading between the Pilgrims and the Indians for the first twenty years of Plymouth Colony. Things turned sour later when Miles Standish killed the native proud braggart Wituwamat in a knife attack so fierce and brutal Quentin Tarantino would blush. The Indian war that broke out finally brought the feuding Pilgrims and Puritans together to fight the Indians. And that was the last time an overzealous military leader dragged the peaceful citizens of America into an unnecessary war.

3. Myth: The Pilgrims came to America to found a church
---Nope: The Pilgrims were a for-profit enterprise

While the Pilgrims ostensibly came to America to be free to worship as they liked, they financed it by agreeing to send back goods to England. They originally set out with two ships, but one started leaking so it turned back to England. The captain of the Mayflower made it to America, but then hightailed it back home so fast, the ship was completely empty. That prompted the London financiers to send a nasty letter to Governor John Carver asking why the Mayflower wasn't loaded down with bounty. John Carver had, of course, died of starvation (along with most of the Pilgrims) by the time the letter arrived in Plymouth. The Mayflower Company went bankrupt and the original investors never did recover their losses.

2. Myth: The first Turkey Day was in November
---Nope: The first Thanksgiving was in late September or early October

And it was most likely fish and corn served. Perhaps some geese. No turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce, pumpkin pie, or football. A soccer-like game called football existed, but the Pilgrims didn't play it, unlike their out-of-control, sinful Puritan neighbors who played football on Christmas. I am not making this up.

And the number one Pilgrim myth...

1. Myth: The Pilgrims were anti-slavery
---Nope: Slavery was practiced by both sides

During King Philip's War (started by good ol' Miles Standish), the Pilgrims sold Indian captives to plantations in the Bahamas as slaves. The Indians kept white captives as slaves. They also sold white captives to other tribes and sometimes back to other whites, as slaves. The one difference between the Indians and the whites is: the Indians did not rape their female captives.


-Jason Rohrblogger
(8/4/09)

Saturday, August 01, 2009

TOP TEN TYPES OF WOMEN I ATTRACT

Top Ten Types of Women I Attract

10. Earth-mother

9. Thirsty

8. Shy

7. Phlegmatic

6. Confused

5. Sarcastic

4. Broke

3. Horny

2. Drunk

And the number one type of woman I attract...

1. Married

-Jason Rohrblogger
(8/1/09)

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

TOP TEN PORN OR LIFETIME ORIGINAL MOVIES

Top Ten Porn or Lifetime Original Movies

10. Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life

9. Imaginary Playmate

8. More of Me

7. Flirting with Forty

6. My Stepson, My Lover

5. Taken in Broad Daylight

4. Midnight Bayou

3. Secret Lives of Second Wives

2. Maneater

And the number one porn or Lifetime Original Movie...

1. Sex and Lies in Sin City

-Jason Rohrblogger
(7/28/09)

Answer: they are all Lifetime Original Movies

Saturday, July 25, 2009

TOP TEN PRIZES THAT WOULD TRULY MAKE A HAPPY MEAL

Top Ten Prizes that Would Truly Make a Happy Meal

10. Vibrator

9. Prozac

8. LOL cat

7. Shot of whiskey

6. Bobby McFerrin

5. Ecstasy

4. One million dollars

3. Boobs

2. Happy ending

And the number one prize that would truly make a Happy Meal...

1. Zero-calorie cheeseburger

-Jason Rohrblogger
(7/25/09)

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

TOP TEN REJECTED BUMPER STICKERS

Top Ten Rejected Bumper Stickers

10. Only you can prevent sobriety

9. I don't do portion control

8. Sweaty & Ready

7. How did I get genital Slurpees?

6. What happens in Pompeii stays in Pompeii

5. Who put the extra fiber in your crack this morning?

4. Help stamp out jive ass turkeys

3. What would Scooby Do?

2. Paddle faster, I hear banjos

And the number one rejected bumper sticker...

1. I'll have a venti cafe mocha whiskey heroin latte to go

-Jason Rohrblogger
(7/21/09)

And the alternates...

Hi, I'm going door to door educating people about evolution. Have you heard the good news?

You people are just lucky I'm so terrified of prison

Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers

My kid is student of the month at Leavenworth Federal Penitentiary

Who would Jesus waterboard?

Friends don't let friends decapitate infidels

Saturday, July 18, 2009

TOP TEN HEADLINES FROM THE GMAIL SIDEBAR ADVERTISEMENTS THAT GOOGLE DETERMINED WERE RELEVANT TO MY LIFE BY MATCHING THEM TO KEYWORDS IN MY E-MAILS

Top Ten Headlines from the Gmail Sidebar Advertisements that Google Determined Were Relevant to My Life by Matching Them to Keywords in My E-Mails

10. Chaplain in just 30 days

9. Load your Meat Weapon

8. Meet Pashtun Girls for Free Kashmiri Matrimony

7. Noodles For Diabetes?

6. Teach A Haitian To Farm. She Will Thank You for a Lifetime.

5. Free Guide to Lymphedema

4. Mint Tool Corporation

3. Nature Beauty Takamatsu

2. World's Deepest Lake. World's Deepest Lake Is Even Deeper Watch TV News Online

And the number one headline from the Gmail sidebar advertisements that Google determined were relevant to my life by matching them to keywords in my e-mail...

1. Mature Olives Trees

-Jason Rohrblogger
(07/18/09)

And the alternates...

Ashburn VA Karate BDay
Flame Resistant Apparel
Teen Discipline
How To Kiss A Man
Prancing Unicorn Tee
Am I a Good Mom?
How to Hug a Porcupine
Numerology Not Working?

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

TOP TEN BOARD GAMES INSPIRED BY CONGRESS

Top Ten Board Games Inspired by Congress

10. Hungry, Hungry Demos

9. Monopelosi

8. Repulikub

7. Connect Pork

6. House Trap

5. Kickbackgammon

4. John McCranium

3. Scandaland

2. Budgets and Dragons

And the number one board game inspired by Congress...

1. Sorry Taboo Risk Checkers in Trivial Pursuit of a Clue

-Jason Rohrblogger
(7/15/09)

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

HARRY POTTER AND THE ERRATIC RANT

I'm casting an appreciation spell on Jack over at Fat Jack's Erratic Rants for linking to my Michael Jackson and Harry Potter lists.

I'm sure Michael Jackson thought of the regular Harry Potter movies as porn.

Thanks for sending me more links than a sausage party. Wait, that doesn't sound right...

-Rohrblogger

Sunday, July 12, 2009

TOP TEN HARRY POTTER PORN MOVIE TITLES

Top Ten Harry Potter Porn Movie Titles

10. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Passionate Surrender

9. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Bone

8. Hairy Pot, Her

7. Nearly Headless Dick

6. Muggles n' Snuggles

5. Harry Potter and the Lost Virginity

4. Hermione Does Des Moines

3. Cornelius Fudge Packer

2. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

And the number one Harry Potter porn movie title...

1. Harry Potter II: The Wrath of Cock

-Jason Rohrblogger
(07/09/07)

And the alternates...

Professor McGonad-gall
Erectus Humungous

Thursday, July 09, 2009

TOP TEN SURPRISES AT MICHAEL JACKSON'S FUNERAL

Top Ten Surprises at Michael Jackson's Funeral

10. Bubbles the Chimp throwing himself on the casket screeching "No, take me instead!"

9. Separate mini-coffins for all of Michael's noses

8. Remains thrown in with Elephant Man's bones

7. Billie Jean sues for custody of the kids

6. Pallbearers moonwalk to the grave

5. Sponsored by Pepsi

4. Macaulay Culkin flown at half mast

3. Was embalmed long before he died

2. Elvis' body actually in casket

And the number one surprise at Michael Jackson's funeral...

1. A phalanx of zombies rise from the dead and dance

-Jason Rohrblogger
(7/9/09)

Monday, July 06, 2009

TOP TEN THOUGHTS ON THE DRIVE HOME FROM VEGAS

Top Ten Thoughts on the Drive Home from Vegas

10. Why didn't I leave the craps table while I was on a roll?

9. Why didn't I leave the buffet table with a single dinner roll?

8. Why did I mix my alcohols?

7. How long will my car smell like stale beer and regret?

6. Why am I learning this lesson again?

5. Why did I double down on a pair of twos?

4. Why did the ATM machine keep my card?

3. Why didn't I get any sleep?

2. Where is my dignity?

And the number one thought on the drive home from Vegas...

1. Maybe I can stop in Stateline and win it all back

-Jason Rohrblogger
(07/06/09)

And the alternates...

What was I thinking?
Why does it burn when I pee?
I can't wait to go back
Why does my mouth taste like warm asphalt and rum?
How much would a pawn shop give me for my dead mother's wedding ring?
I'm cool with Siegfried, but Roy is kind of a jerk

Friday, July 03, 2009

TOP TEN THOUGHTS ON THE DRIVE TO VEGAS

Top Ten Thoughts on the Drive to Vegas

10. Vegas, baby, Vegas!

9. Maybe I'll hit a jackpot big enough to pay for the whole trip and some left over to play with

8. I am going to put the big hurt on a buffet

7. I am going to bankrupt the casino with free drinks

6. This is going to be just like "The Hangover!"

5. I'll be sure to use the hotel pool, gym, discount happy hour, and bed

4. I will only spend 10% of my money on strippers

3. Can't wait to deploy my disciplined book-learned foolproof Blackjack system

2. This is going to be the best trip ever.

And the number one thought on the drive to Vegas...

1. It's time for a pro like me to show these amateurs how it's done

-Jason Rohrblogger
(7/3/09)

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

TOP TEN TOTALLY TASTELESS JOKES ABOUT MICHAEL JACKSON

Top Ten Totally Tasteless Jokes about Michael Jackson

10. Q: What are Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, and Michael Jackson expecting for Christmas?
A: Patrick Swayze

9. Michael Jackson hasn't been this stiff since Macaulay Culkin spent the night at Neverland Ranch.

8. McDonald's is making a Michael McJackson sandwich. It's a fifty-year-old piece of white meat between two eight-year-old buns.

7. Michael Jackson's doctor calls 911 and tells the operator that Michael has had a heart attack. The operator asks, "Have you started CPR?" "No," replies the doctor. "Have you started artificial respiration, or a defibrillator?" "No," states the doctor, again. The operator shouts, "Well, you better be startin' somethin'!"

6. They were thinking he may have died from food poisoning because he ate a twelve-year-old wiener.

5. Because Jackson's body was 95% plastic, he will be melted down and turned into Legos, this way kids can play with him for a change.

4. Farrah Fawcett arrived at the Pearly Gates and God asked her what He could do for her having led such an honest life. Farrah asked God to simply make sure the children of the world were safe. Five minutes later, Michael Jackson died.

3. Doctors are looking into claims that Michael Jackson's death could have been caused by an allergic reaction from eating ten-year-old nuts.

2. What was Michael Jackson's last hit? The floor!

And the number one totally tasteless Michael Jackson joke...

1. Rumors that Michael Jackson has died of a heart attack in his home are untrue. He actually died having a stroke in the children's ward.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(6/30/09)

And the alternates...

Madonna sent her condolences to the Jackson family. Then asked how much they wanted for the kids.

Breaking News: Casper the friendly ghost was molested in the early hours of this morning!

In the spirit of recycling, Michael Jackson will be melted down into plastic party cups so kids can still get their lips around his rim.

In accordance with Michael Jackson's will, little boys' pants shall be flown at half-mast today.

Michael Jackson will always be with us, he is not biodegradable.

Michael Jackson's death has now been ruled a suicide. Apparently doctors told him that the only way he could get whiter was if he died.

Only in America can someone be born a good-looking black kid, and die an ugly white woman.

Michael Jackson died of a heart attack. He really should not have looked at the man in the mirror.

When police swarmed all over the Neverland Ranch, they found a lot of items that needed explaining. Like the wedding photo with Lisa Marie Presley.

Legal experts say that Michael Jackson's defense really didn't play the race card because they didn't know which race to play.

It's like they always say, if you're rich and white, you can get away with anything.

O.J. Simpson and Michael Jackson were at Johnny Cochran's funeral. Michael corners O.J. and asks, "How do you get stains off a glove?"

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Dick Cheney? One has pasty white skin, fake body parts and he's creepy, the other one is Michael Jackson.

Did you hear Michael met with a priest? Not for spiritual advice, they went on a double date.

Michael Jackson's current state summed up in three words: dead man moonwalking.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

FAT JACK'S HEAVENLY RANT

Angelic ups to Jack over at Fat Jack's Erratic Rants for linking to my Top Ten Things Overheard in Heaven Last Week list.

Jack is such a frequent linker here, I have added a permanent link to him in my sidebar over there.

May Jack have many more posts here on Earth before joining Ed, Farrah, Michael, and Billy Mays at the Great Blog in the Sky...

-Rohrblogger

Saturday, June 27, 2009

TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD IN HEAVEN LAST WEEK



Top Ten Things Overheard in Heaven Last Week

10. Oh, I'm sorry. You don't appear to be on the list. We were expecting Larry King, Elizabeth Taylor, or Snoop Dogg.

9. We have cherubim, seraphim, and arch. Nothing about Charlie's.

8. Hi-yo! Wheeeeeere's Johnny?

7. Quick, hide all the kids on the carousel!

6. We've got room in the Jimi Hendrix Wing for two drug addicts and an alcoholic

5. There's an ex-Witness here who wants to speak with Jehovah

4. I'll have a scotch and holy water

3. Several popes still have your poster up

2. You may have already won one million dollars

And the number one thing overheard in Heaven last week...

1. Mamma-see mamma-sa ma-ma-koosa, shamon, ee-hee-hee

-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/27/09)

And the alternate...

Who is the old lady in line with Ed and Farrah?

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

MY TOP TEN WEDDING VOWS

Wendy Atterberry over at CNN writes her hilarous 10 Wedding Vows I'm Making to YOU list.

I am totally stealing her premise and writing my own Top Ten Wedding Vows

10. I promise to love, honor, and cherish you, but not your endless daddy issues or that fight you are still having with your mother over that time she wouldn't let you wear eyeliner to the 6th grade dance

9. I will get along with your brother even if he is the Largest Idiot Known to Man

8. I will never give you some lame excuse why I don't have a gift for Valentines Day like "Ah, c'mon baby, EVERYDAY is Valentines Day!"

7. I can do my own laundry, cook my own meals, and buy my own clothes, but thanks for the offer

6. I will never refer to you as "my ball and chain." (I may refer to you as "that poor sucker who agreed to marry me.")

5. I promise not to spend our last penny on a sports car or boat (if you promise not to demand that fourth child)

4. I will always call to check-in unless I am really wasted, in which case I will drunk dial you incessantly with whiskey-soaked gibberish about how much I love you

3. I will not awkwardly hit on your friends (or my friends)

2. I will maintain my own life, involving happy hour and chicken wings, once in awhile to give you a break

And my number one wedding vow...

1. I will rock your world beyond all worlds that have ever been rocked in the history of world rockage

-Jason Rohrblogger
(6/24/09)

Sunday, June 21, 2009

TOP TEN REALITY TELEVISION SHOWS I'D WATCH

Top Ten Reality Television Shows I'd Watch

10. America's Most Anorexic

9. I'm a Celebrity Get Me Rehab

8. The Cellmate

7. Survivor with Dave Bickler, Frankie Sullivan, Jim Peterik, Stephan Ellis, and Marc Droubay

6. America's Funniest Home Invasions

5. The Toxic Bachelor starring O.J. Simpson

4. Howie Blew It

3. The Real Hutwives of Ghana

2. Jon and Kate plus Hate

And the number one reality television show I'd watch...

1. Deadliest COPS

-Jason Rohrblogger
(6/21/09)

And the alternates...

America's Next Bottom Model
So You Think You Can Prance
Ice Road F*ckers
Queer Eye for the Last Comic Standing
Hell's Bedroom

Friday, June 12, 2009

TOP TEN PROJECTS IN DEVELOPMENT AT BUDWEISER

Top Ten Projects in Development at Budweiser

10. Bud Dark Dry Ice Light

9. A Shakespearean talking frog

8. Barnard-educated deeply feminist spokesmodel

7. Michelob Crack

6. Costco 96-pack

5. Near-beer goggles for the far-sighted

4. Kick-start keg tap

3. Morning after pilsner

2. Powdered instant beer

And the number one project in development at Budweiser...

1. Brew skis

-Jason Rohrblogger
06/04/06

And the alternates...

Lager Blogger
Heiferweisen
Lippy model with a pout to tout stout
Beer-Ade (Oh, yeah!)

Tuesday, June 09, 2009

YOU MIGHT BE AL QAEDA IF...

Here at Jason Rohrblogger's Top Ten we only rip off the most tired and shopworn cliché premises to waste your internet time:

You Might be Al Qaeda if...

10. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer

9. You own a $300 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes

8. You have more wives than teeth

7. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared jihad against

5. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry high explosives

4. You ask, "Does this burka make me look fat?"

3. You'd walk a mile for a camel

2. You gush, "I love what you've done with your cave."

And the number one you might be Al Qaeda if...

1. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon unclean

-Jason Rohrblogger
(6/9/09)

And the alternates...

You spend the weekend polishing your goat
You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs

Friday, June 05, 2009

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU DRIVE A POS

Top Ten Signs You Drive a POS

10. You fill the tank and it doubles in value

9. It goes 0-60 in 7.4 minutes

8. You spill your capuccino on the upholstery. The insurance company considers it a total loss

7. It approaches the speed of dark

6. You have to take the whole front end off to get the passenger side window up

5. You're soaking in it

4. It's a Fiat Flintstone powered by your feet poking through the floor

3. Badging contains the spelling mistake "Ford Ficus."

2. Engineering by Eddie Bauer, styling by Ford

And the number one sign you drive a POS...

1. If one more passenger dies from the fumes, you will have to exit the carpool lane

-Jason Rohrblogger
(05/31/05)

Tuesday, June 02, 2009

TOP TEN PROJECTS IN DEVELOPMENT IN NORTH KOREA

Top Ten Projects in Development in North Korea

10. A nucular missile

9. An export car even smaller and cheaper than a Kia

8. A socioeconomic structure and political ideology that promotes the establishment of an egalitarian, classless, stateless society based on common ownership and control of the means of production and property in general by a whacked out dude with bad hair

7. Studio 54th Parallel

6. Kim Jung II: The Wrath of Il

5. An Asian Pope

4. A Marxist-Leninist dialectic that brings all the boys to the yard

3. New game show: Meal of Fortune

2. Bid to get DMX to play the DMZ

And the number one project in development in North Korea...

1. Amusement park: Totalitari-Fun!

-Jason Rohrblogger
(6/2/09)

Sunday, May 31, 2009

GRACIAS POR EL ACOPLAMIENTO

Gracias grandes a Héctor Fabricio Flores por enlazar a mi Top Ten Victoria's Secret Models la lista encima en Tva ¡Wow! blog. Usted es mi preferencia diez ultima por todas las cosas español...

¡Que rica!

-Rohrblogger

Saturday, May 30, 2009

TOP TEN REJECTED FORMS OF CONTRACEPTION

Top Ten Rejected Forms of Contraception

10. The Patch Adams

9. The IOU

8. Denial

7. Syncopated Rhythm Method

6. Plan C

5. The Breast Implant

4. Morning After Kill

3. Absinthence

2. Nuva Wedding Ring

And the number one rejected form of contraception...

1. Prayer

-Jason Rohrblogger
(04/06/06)

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

TOP TEN REJECTED SUMMER MOVIE SEQUELS

Top Ten Rejected Summer Movie Sequels

10. Cold Mountain Deux

9. Titanic's Revenge of the Titanic: Icebergs in Paradise

8. Debbie Does Fallujah

7. Last Tango in Paris Hilton

6. Like Water for Chocolate Thunder Downunder

5. Snatch'd and Snatch'rer

4. Chasing Amy's Papi

3. The Sound of Music II: Electric Boogaloo

2. Bachelor Ba'ath Party

And the number one rejected summer movie sequel...

1. You Got Smurfed

-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/06/04)

And the alternates...

Gulf War 3-D
Left Behinderer
Shallow Halitosis
The Gas-Electric Hybrid Horseman
Big Trouble in Little Baghdad
American Pie 3.14159265
My Big Fat Greek Divorce
Bad News Angels and Demons
Losin' It II: Finding It Again
Harry Potter and the Endless Merchandising of Doom
Fast & Bi-Furious
Sherlock Homie
The Taking of Pelham 456
The Second to Last Temptation of Christ

Sunday, May 24, 2009

TOP TEN SIGNS IT'S SUMMER IN LOS ANGELES

Top Ten Signs It's Summer in Los Angeles

10. Tanning beds mothballed until Fall

9. Smog layer glistens

8. Buses disgorge fresh batch of teenage runaways from Midwest

7. Four-hour waits at DPSO: Discount Plastic Surgery Outlet

6. New seasonal Coke flavor: SPF 30

5. Roseanne Barr takes down her Christmas decorations

4. Smokers forced to stand outside in sun risking two forms of cancer

3. Characters at Disneyland issued tank tops and cut-offs

2. Marines storm Paris Hilton's beach blanket in effort to stem the tide of herpes

And the number one sign it's summer in Los Angeles...

1. Film critics praise screening of "Angels & Demons" as "...fabulously air-conditioned..."

-Jason Rohrblogger
(05/07/05)

And the alternate...

Richard Simmons' star on Hollywood Walk of Fame bursts into flames

Thursday, May 21, 2009

TOP TEN PROJECTS IN DEVELOPMENT AT GOOGLE

Top Ten Projects in Development at Google

10. Ads based on how early in the morning you are still on Facebook trying to get a date

9. A web browser that doesn't suck

8. Ability to help rocking horse people find marshmallow pies

7. Text ads in braille

6. Page rank system that returns results based on whether or not Simon Cowell likes them

5. Ability to search your feelings, you know it to be true

4. Location of Waldo, Carmen San Diego, and Osama bin Laden

3. G-spot mail

2. 1.2 million results per page

And the number one project in development at Google...

1. A search function to find your lost virginity

-Jason Rohrblogger
(5/21/09)