Wednesday, September 09, 2009

BIBLE RANT

Dear Preachy Neighbor,

In what has to be the most popular verse of the New Testament, John 3:16, all you have to do to receive salvation is believe in Jesus:


"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life."


That's it. That ALL you have to do: "Believeth in Him." Notice what that verse DOESN'T say. I doesn't say you have to read the Bible, it doesn't say you have to go to church, or tithe, or listen to Amy Grant. Also, you don't have to KNOW anything special: no secret handshake, no language like Aramaic, you don't even have to know the bible verse John 3:16.

In fact, when Jesus is on the cross in Luke 23:39-43 one of the thieves being crucified with Him asks Jesus to remember him in Heaven. Okay, according to the rules (and Jesus), that thief is saved. Notice that the thief has not read the Bible. He has not read the New Testament because it does not even exist yet. The first Gospel won't be written for another 60-90 years. But he is going to Heaven. (Side note for judgmental ignoramuses: If Bernie Madoff, the biggest thief in history, accepts Jesus as his personal Lord and Savior, he gets to go to Heaven. Seriously. Please also note that he does not go to church.)

So, I said all of that to say this: it's one thing to go around telling people they need to believe in Jesus. That's what you are supposed to do for salvation. It's ANOTHER THING to go around telling people they need to "live life by the Bible" and/or go to church.

My general point is this: if you want to go around telling people that they "need" or "should" read the Bible or live their life by the what the Bible says, then YOU NEED TO HAVE READ IT YOURSELF. My specific point is this: you not only need to have read it, you need to have a basic understanding of WHAT YOU HAVE READ.

Do you even know the difference between the Synoptic Gospels and John? Do you know the difference between a Gospel and an epistle? Are you aware that Paul is an apostle, but not a disciple of Jesus? That's right: Paul never met Jesus. Look it up. Paul, who was converted to Christianity AFTER Jesus ascended to Heaven suggests you should go to church, but NOT FOR SALVATION. The Gospel of John, who has actually met Jesus, says you just have to believe in Him. I'm gonna go with the Gospel on this one, 'kay?

Also, contrary to what Mel Gibson told you, the Jews didn't kill Jesus. That's right, I said it. The ROMANS killed Jesus. I'll pause while that sinks through your skinhead...

King Herod was Jewish, go on look it up. But King Herod didn't preside over Jesus' trial. That would be Pontius Pilate who is Roman. The Sanhedrin (look it up) WANTED Jesus dead, so Pontius Pilate "washed his hands" of the whole thing and turned Jesus over to the soldiers who are...CENTURION GUARDS. Note for you non-history majors: Centurions are Roman, not Jewish. And crucifixion is a ROMAN practice. Jews executed people by stoning. Did I just blow your mind? All I did was read the Bible you are thumping.

But here's the thing: even if the Jews had killed Jesus (News flash!) Jesus is also Jewish! Hating all Jews for killing Jesus would be like hating all white people for shooting President Lincoln, or hating all black people for assassinating Malcolm X. Jesus was a product of their own culture, and not living the way they liked. Fortunately, Jesus followed John 3:16 and eventually went directly to Heaven, do not pass Go, do not collect $200.

Speaking of collecting $200, I'll pay you a widow's mite for every Gospel you read correctly, you stillborn child of God.

Okay, I feel better now...

-Jason Rohrblogger
(9/9/09)

5 comments:

Robert Mac said...

Where are the other nine?

Mickmaster said...

You're going to Hell.

Save me a seat, but not near that Dick Cheney (he smells funny).

Christopha! said...

Somebody's 'bout to me smited up in hur. Hard. In the face. Sinner.

Jenn said...

Loves it, loves you!

Larry Litle said...

Jason,

As a person who is deeply spiritual and regularly attends church, I agree with you completely. All of your points are true and valid. People often try to put their requirements on others rather than what the Bible actually says.

And yes I do know the differences in the Synoptic Gospels and the Gospel of John and the differences of a Gospel and an Epistle. :>