TOP TEN WAYS TO LIVE GREENER

Note: Today's list was stolen wholesale from the last page of this month's Esquire magazine without permission of any kind whatsoever. It will stay up until the cease and desist letter arrives...

The Esquire Guide to Greener Living

10. Try heating your house using the palpable sexual tension between Matt Lauer and Meredith Vieira

9. When hosing down a pile of naked Iraqi prisoners, use a low-flow hose head

8. Lower your carbon-dioxide emissions by exhaling only once per minute

7. When you are reading at home, try replacing your lamp with a strobe light, which uses half as much energy

6. When shredding papers that implicate your company in a stock scandal, do it by hand

5. If you are the god of a monotheistic religion, try writing commandments on BOTH sides of the tablet

4. Remove Steel Magnolias and The Notebook from yourNetflix queue. Tears are a drain on our hydrologic cycle. Try Van Wilder or a Steve Martin/Queen Latifah comedy

3. If you are a prop comedian, make sure you smash organic, shade-grown watermelons

2. If you are in Lebanon, remember to turn off your engine rather than let it idle when firing Katyusha rockets

And the number one way to live greener...

1. Put down that pencil! Solve sudoku puzzles in your mind so others can use them after you

-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/26/06)

And the alternates...

Ladies: stop wasting fresh water in your liquid-filled breast implants. Eco-friendly alternatives include excess water from your sink sponge

If you plan to commit suicide with a hose hooked up to the tailpipe of your car, make sure there are no leaks. Duct tape works well.