TOP TEN ITEMS ON JESUS' "THINGS TO DO" LIST BEFORE HE RETURNS

Top Ten Items on Jesus' "Things To Do" List Before He Returns

10. Pick up shroud at Turin dry cleaners

9. Perfect new miracle: turning water into Diet Snapple

8. Shoot 35mm preview of return announcing, "this time, it's personal"

7. Direct-mail campaign to those set for Pre-Tribulation rapture: rapture bus will arrive mid-to-post Trib

6. Two words: Holy Spice

5. Rent a tux, buy a corsage, wash the Camaro

4. Three-day, five-state book signing junket

3. Stick head out of tomb, if no shadow, three more millenniums of winter

2. Cancel paper, kennel the dog, set timer for the lights

And the number one item on Jesus' "things to do" list before He returns...

1. Pay a little visit to Jim Bakker, Jimmy Swaggart, and Jerry Falwell

-Jason Rohrblogger
(09/10/98)