Wednesday, September 03, 2008

TOP TEN JERRY SEINFELD QUOTES

Top Ten Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

10. I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?

9. A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

8. What is a date really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you'll wind up naked.

7. People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.

6. Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

5. Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?

4. Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

5. Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

4. There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."

3. According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.

2. Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

And the number one Jerry Seinfeld quote...

1. Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(9/3/08)

And the alternates...

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, make strangers laugh, get paid to make strangers laugh, and make people talk like you because it's so much fun.

Why do they call it a "building?" It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built?"

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. "Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here."

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel."

The IRS are like the mafia! They can take anything they want!

Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.

I have a friend who's collecting unemployment insurance. This guy has never worked so hard in his life as he has to keep this thing going. He's down there every week, waiting on the lines and getting interviewed and making up all these lies about looking for jobs. If they had any idea of the effort and energy that he is expending to avoid work, I'm sure they'd give him a raise.

Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.

What would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking, all the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a blind date last? About thirteen seconds, I think. "Oh, sorry, your rear end is too big." "That's ok, your breath stinks anyway. See you later."

Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.

1 comment:

Atomic Bombshell said...

I had forgotten how good his jokes were. This is seriously funny, timeless stuff. Thanks, Jase!

PS: Hope your home is causing you less grief these days. I'm seriously bummed about all the trouble you've had.