TOP TEN P.J. O'ROURKE QUOTES

Top Ten P.J. O'Rourke Quotes

10. The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it.

9. Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.

8. Staying married may have long-term benefits. You can elicit much more sympathy from friends over a bad marriage than you ever can from a good divorce.

7. Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

6. The Clinton administration launched an attack on people in Texas because those people were religious nuts with guns. Hell, this country was founded by religious nuts with guns. Who does Bill Clinton think stepped ashore on Plymouth Rock?

5. A hat should be taken off when you greet a lady and left off for the rest of your life. Nothing looks more stupid than a hat.

4. You can't get rid of poverty by giving people money.

3. If you say a modern celebrity is an adulterer, a pervert and a drug addict, all it means is that you've read his autobiography.

2. There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences.

And the number one P.J. O'Rourke quote...

1. The mystery of government is not how Washington works but how to make it stop.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(7/10/08)

And the alternates...

The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to.

Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power.

Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.

If you are young and you drink a great deal it will spoil your health, slow your mind, make you fat - in other words, turn you into an adult.

America wasn't founded so that we could all be better. America was founded so we could all be anything we damned well pleased.

Ideology, politics and journalism, which luxuriate in failure, are impotent in the face of hope and joy.

Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife.

In our brief national history we have shot four of our presidents, worried five of them to death, impeached one and hounded another out of office. And when all else fails, we hold an election and assassinate their character.

Every government is a parliament of whores. The trouble is, in a democracy, the whores are us.

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.