JASON'S TOP TEN PREDICTIONS FOR 2009

Jason's Top Ten Predictions for 2009

10. Adorable scamp Paris Hilton becomes America's sweetheart with her sunshine playfulness and youthful innocence

9. National Enquirer wins a Peabody Award for Excellence in Tabloid Journalism

8. Michelle Obama poses for The Atlantic Monthly's swimsuit issue

7. Suri Cruise will write a tell-all children's book

6. Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag star in the Broadway revival of Tennessee William's "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof" wherein Heidi uses her time onstage to explore her constant neediness and Spencer grapples with his latent homosexuality

5. Guantánamo Bay closed down and replaced with a Starbucks

4. Eliot Spitzer, John Edwards, Bill Clinton, Larry Craig, and Bristol Palin form the American Scandal Party. Rod Blagojevich still excluded.

3. Guns n' Roses only take six months to release their next stinker, Chinese Anarchy

2. Due to lack of funds, Jason Rohrblogger's Top Ten switches to only eight Folger's Crystals references per list

And Jason's number one prediction for 2009...

1. Incredibly successful Congressional bailout turns economy around on a dime

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/30/08)

And the alternates...

Obama trades Iraq to Iran for three magic beans

Burger King invents a five-pound jalepeño bacon double pepper jack cheeseburger served between the two live defibrillator paddles used to cook it

Finally, a Friday the 13th sequel that answers all the questions raised in the first 21 movies...

American People lay off 10% of cabinet, 20% of Congress, and 12 state governors

Michael Phelps, the most under reported story of 2008, finally gets some media coverage

Snow White's polygamous cabin raided by authorities. All dwarfs placed in foster care.

Late night talk show guest Dr. Lincoln Wolfenstein offends host Jimmy Fallon by primarily concentrating on connecting theoretical physics to experimental observations, because his work on weak interaction has tainted his studies on the presence of electrons in Earth and solar matter and their effect on neutrino propagation. MSW effect or not, for a particle phenomenologist to focus solely on neutrino oscillation in matter...I mean, c'mon bro. You don't show that on television no matter what the hour

Amy Winehouse goes to rehab