JASON'S NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION QUIZ

Jason's New Year's Resolution Quiz

Answer the following then calculate your score to determine what your New Year's resolution will be...

As of January 2009 you are still:
1. Doubling down
2. Coughing
3. Puking
4. Can't take quiz. Masturbating.
5. Googling Lindsay Lohan

You've lost feeling in your legs because:
1. Your bookie broke them
2. Of the searing pain in your lungs
3. You drank too much
4. It didn't put the lotion on it's skin
5. You refused to get up during TV Land's The Simple Life marathon

You've come out of a drunken stupor in:
1. Las Vegas
2. Flavor Country
3. A Liquor store
4. Leather chaps
5. Nothing but a wife-beater and a Wii paddle

Fill in the blank: You've got to know when to hold 'em, know when to ____ 'em:
1. Fold
2. Smoke
3. Shoot
4. Spank
5. Stalk

Who is your hero?
1. Frank "Lefty" Rosenthal
2. Joe Camel
3. Nick Nolte
4. Paul Rubens
5. Seth MacFarlane

Your fave movie of all time is:
1. Seabiscuit
2. Thank You for Smoking
3. Leaving Las Vegas
4. Behind the Green Door
5. Bad Boys II

You smell like:
1. Flop sweat and green felt
2. Mickey Rourke's ash tray
3. Budweiser and regret
4. K-Y and a used thong
5. Taco Bell

Have you ever traded sex for any of the following?
1. A chit for Pony Boy in the third race
2. A cigarette floating in a can of Natty Light
3. A case of NyQuil
4. More sex
5. Two tickets to the premiere of Wild Hogs

In the past year you've spent approximately twenty hours a week:
1. Waiting on seventeen. Seventeen! C'mon lucky, lucky number seventeen!
2. Looking for somewhere to stick a patch
3. Hauling bags of empty Icehouse cans to the curb
4. Parked outside of Hawaiian Tropic Zone, throwing the vibe out
5. Sewing your Joker-themed professional wrestling uniform

Your most rigorous recent workout was:
1. Shredding Junior's college fund with a slot machine lever
2. Inhaling
3. Lifting twelve ounces at a time
4. A three-way with a tranny and a blow-up doll
5. Sweating out a garlic binge after a long night at Olive Garden

Scoring: For every number one give yourself one point, for every number two give yourself two points, etc.

Your New Year's Resolution is:

5-14 points:
QUIT GAMBLING
Put the double down and step away from the blackjack table. Your rent ain't gonna pay itself.

15-24 points:
STOP SMOKING
You look like a Shar Pei puppy and smell like Amy Winehouse. Give your lungs a break and suck on an oxygen tank for awhile.

25-34 points:
GIVE UP DRINKING
Your liver has left the room voluntarily and your kidney's are Swiss cheese. Take one more slug of that warm Margarita and head directly to AA.

35-44 points:
CURB INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL ACTIVITY
If your resolve ever falters, good thing Dateline is there to keep you on track.

45-50 points:
LEARN MORE ABOUT CULTURE
While admirable, the Porky's trilogy is not man's greatest artistic achievement. Set Maxim Magazine aside and pick up a book.

You're welcome...

-Jason Rohrblogger
(1/1/09)