Thursday, May 05, 2005

PAPAL STARTER KIT

Papal Starter Kit
Just had an address change from Munich to the Vatican?
Here are some Papal Points to help you get jiggy with Jesus...

COMMUNION SHOULD BE:
GOOD: Only administered to Catholics
BETTER: Eucharistic transubstantiation
BAD: 2for1 on Thursdays with Dollar Drafts and U-Call-It Shots

THE INQUISITION:
GOOD: Was a shameful mistake
BETTER: Should be formally apologized for
BAD: Clearly didn't finish the job

THE MODERN PAPAL SELECTION PROCESS SHOULD BE:
GOOD: Put to a worldwide church vote
BETTER: Televised internationally
BAD: Hereditary

EVOLUTION IS:
GOOD: Merely a theory at best
BETTER: Proof that God really does exist
BAD: The sickest roller coaster at Busch Gardens, boo yah! Rode it.

CONDOMS SHOULD BE:
GOOD: A last resort
BETTER: Banned from the planet
BAD: Ribbed for her pleasure

MEL GIBSON IS:
GOOD: A devout Catholic disciple
BETTER: Spreading the Gospel through cinema
BAD: Directing "The Passion II: Beyond Thunderdome"

YOUR PRIMARY OBJECTIVE:
GOOD: Consolidate power in Rome
BETTER: Create an orthodoxy for the 21st Century
BAD: Annex the Sudetenland

THE LAY PEOPLE SHOULD:
GOOD: Tithe regularly
BETTER: Unquestioningly accept the word of the Vatican
BAD: Lay, lady, lay. Lay across my big brass bed.

ALL PRIESTS SHOULD BE:
GOOD: Celibate men
BETTER: Virgins
BAD: Exiled to Neverland

ALL NUNS SHOULD BE:
GOOD: Cloistered in an abbey
BETTER: Subordinate to the priesthood
BAD: Working the silver pole for Jesus

THE HOLY SEE SHOULD HELP THE AMERICAN PRESIDENT TALK TO:
GOOD: A spiritual adviser
BETTER: Kim Jong-il
BAD: The hand

VATICAN III SHOULD BE:
GOOD: The clarification of ecumenical values
BETTER: A world-inclusive manifesto
BAD: The Ultimate Sequel with no Equal, a heart-seeking missal epistle

YOUR FAVORITE FORM OF ADDRESS:
GOOD: Blessed Father
BETTER: Most Holy See
BAD: Joey "Eggs" Benedict

THE POPEMOBILE SHOULD BE:
GOOD: Opened up to allow more access
BETTER: Equipped with a public address system
BAD: Tricked out with some really bitchin' exhaust pipes and a Holley carb

FOR WRITING THIS PIECE JASON ROHRBLOGGER WILL:
GOOD: Be writing Top Ten Lists in Hell
BETTER: Be forced to come up with a less hackneyed premise
BAD: Get to play "altar boy" with Cardinal Richelieu in the rectory

-Jason Rohrblogger
(05/05/05)

5 comments:

Jenn said...

I love it! This is one of the funniest things I have ever read!

Jenn said...

Oh no- I just clicked on the title though! Ew!

Jason Rohrblogger said...

Aw shucks! Glad my blasphemy amuses someone. The title link is not as sick as this.

Michelle Daws said...

HEE-sterical! I read it aloud to John just because I wanted to say “The Ultimate Sequel with no Equal, a Heart-Seeking Missile Epistle” in my deep announcer’s “Let’s Get Ready to Rumble” voice. That, and because the nuns working the silver pole for Jesus has to be one of my favorite lines from you, EVER! I forwarded it to several of my friends but generously changed the subject line to read “Michelle and her friends are going to hell” because if you’re going for writing it, I figured I should be going for chortling with heretical laughter...

We are off to a wedding in Niagara Falls this weekend... I’m going to park my fat ass at a slot machine at the casino like all the little old ladies in their souvenir sweatshirts and drop nickels like a pimp.

Oh, one last thing. I googled "Jason Rohrblogger" at work because I wanted to show your site to a coworker and wow! Have you done that lately? You are linked on a TON of websites! Some were a little weird, such as Games Economists Play and The Raw Prawn...how did you get such a large economist fan base? A little freak-y, my friend...

Daws Out!

Jason Rohrblogger said...

Economists dig me because they work in base ten. I like my economists gamey and my prawns raw...